Chapter Text
Soft sunlight spilled into his room through the small window, illuminating the specks of dust floating aimlessly through the air. Nitori sat on a small wooden crate, resting his cheek on the sill. His hand laid limply on the gray, sun-bleached wood, and he watched with mild interest as a brown spider slowly crawled its way over the dirty, chipping flecks of beige paint. It was the about the size of the silver coins his father was always counting, and its thick legs glowed a translucent muddy red in the sunlight. He watched the critter approach his fingers and paused for a second before continuing its journey. Nitori closed his eyes as the spider crawled over his fingers. It was amazingly light, feeling like nothing at all but a feather tickling his skin ever so gently. He sighed. He liked the way it felt; how humbling and comforting it was to feel such a small body, such a small soul to come in contact with him. To share the same space. Such an interesting little creature, it was, really, and Nitori opened his eyes to observe its wonder and felt peace wash over him.
Nitori ran his fingers over the thick green leaves that were growing in the garden, fanning out in leafy umbrellas close to the ground. Lettuce, spinach, kale. He and Rin grew a variety of greens. Miku, his familiar, sat upon the perch he'd built. When he moved in with Rin, Nitori insisted that he needed enough perches around the house and the yard for her, since the crow followed him almost everywhere. He gripped the base of the leaves and twisted, breaking the stems with a crip snap and placed them in his basket.
"Aiichirou, what are you doing?"
His mother stormed in his room and he lifted his head to look at her, confusion flashing in his blue eyes as her fury poured over him.
"Don't you dare raise your devil eyes to me!"
Nitori averted his gaze and looked away, which left him entirely unprepared for the sharp smack his mother gave him, forcing his head to the side. His cheek prickled with the sting and his eyes welled up.
"What are you doing? What are you doing with that! That horrid creature!"
Nitori looked down to the window sill. "The spider?"
"What were you saying to it? What were you planning?"
Nitori opened his mouth but was at a loss for words. Saying? He wasn't saying anything to the spider! "I-I don't k-know what you mean! Spiders can't... Spiders can't talk! I'm not planning anything!"
"I'm sorry." Nitori bent his head in a silent apology over the freshly snapped stems sticking out of the dirt. He knew they would sprout new leaves soon, plants were mighty tough survivors, but he would never take that for granted. He moved on to the tomato plants, plucking the ripe red fruit from the vine. "Thank you."
"Don't lie to me! You're a heathen, a heretic, oh Divinity above protect me." His mother moved her hands, drawing symbols across her chest as she whispered in prayer. Nitori watched her, familiar with the motions. He had been raised to believe in the town's religion, after all. And he did believe it, he did! But his blue eyes and pale hair scared the townspeople. His down to earth, blunt personality was strange to them. He did not fear what they feared, he did not always relate to what they taught. Spiders weren't little devils, disguised and placed in the fields to torment humans. They were just a bug, a part of nature. Nitori saw it for what it was; a tiny soul. How could no one else feel that connection?
His favorite activity was tending to their garden. The smell of wet soil, the insects and spiders building their homes, the plants that glowed translucent green under the sunlight, casting their veins in silhouette. He could feel the garden vibrate with so much life, it was like sitting in the middle of a busy marketplace, but much more peaceful and precious. In the garden, Nitori could see the invisible network of life, could feel the order of things. Everything was as it should be. He faced the east and bowed his head in prayer.
"My son, my only son, a witch, a heretic. Conversing with demons."
The spider had crawled down the side of the house and was long gone out of sight. Nitori slid his hand into his lap and wrung his fingers together, unsure of what to do. He knew he looked different from everyone else in town. He's only ever been surrounded by dark eyes and dark hair, never anything like his own. He didn't know how he ended up looking like he did, but that's just the way he was, and he hated it. He hated being the only different one. No other child had ever wanted to play with him, and if they tried, their parents pulled them away and herded them inside, glaring in his direction and holding their hand up in a gesture. The gesture to ward off evil spirits. His own mother had shunned him in her own way. Always saying that she must've been cursed when she was pregnant with him, or that a snake took her real baby away in the night when she was sleeping, and planted Nitori in its place. His father wouldn't have anything to do with him and ignored him as if he didn't exist. When he was younger, just learning to talk, he'd crawl up to his father and clutch on his pants leg to pull himself to his small feet, wobbling on unsteady, chubby legs as he stared up with his bright blue eyes. He'd reach for him, throwing his tiny hand up in the air, his fingers stretching as he giggled and cooed at the man he loved. Da...da... dadada... da. His father's face would crease, his lips turned down in a sneer, and without a glance at his son he'd shake his leg, as if he were shaking off a bit of loose paper from his shoe. Nitori would fall on his bottom and watch his father walk away. He spent all of his childhood locked away in his room.
"Here, Ai." Rin handed Nitori the clothes he just shed. Nitori took the clothing and watched a naked Rin wade into the pond behind their home. The water rose up over Rin's toned legs and crawled its way higher over the curve of his buttocks and Nitori was mesmerized by the line of the water, bending around Rin's body. Rin untied his hair and let it fall down his back, a splash of red reaching almost to the water. Nitori subconsciously rubbed the back of his own head, where his shaved undercut was starting to grow out. He'd have to ask Rin to help him trim it. As Rin began to wash himself, Nitori turned his attention to foraging. Wildflowers were everywhere, specks of color bursting through the foliage. He put Rin's clothes in the basket holding the vegetables and got to work tying off bundles containing different combinations of specific types of flowers and herbs with twine. He would hang these to dry for later use.
"And what are you doing with these?" His mother cried as she snatched the flowers he had hung in his window. "What are you doing, you witch! Oh, Divinity, Divinity save us."
"I... I thought they were pretty! So I picked them earlier, that's all. I was drying them to save."
His mother whipped around and shook the mangled flowers in his face. "Only witches pick flowers!" She spat on the ground before his feet. "You were going to cast spells with these! Heresy! Only Divinity can help one, only prayer can help one!"
Rin had taught him about the local plants and what they could be used for. The healing properties of lavender, the medicinal and purifying properties of sage, the antioxidants of rosemary. He had taught Nitori about his nature. How Nitori wasn't evil, rather, he had a gift.
Average people aren't like me and you, Ai. They can't feel harmony. They can't feel life. That feeling drumming through your fingertips when you run them over a surface? Only people like me an' you can sense it. They don't know the spells, they don't know what belongs together and what doesn't, they don't know that their very spirits are entwined in the universe. They are totally unaware of their places.
Nitori wrapped another bundle. This one had contained wood violets and cosmos, nestled in the heart of a bunch of purple deadnettle. He would say a prayer over them in Rin's honor and hang them above headboard to Rin's bed.
Nitori bit his lip. He felt a surge of something run through him, climbing up his spine. It was something entirely new, he had never felt such a sensation before, but it felt vaguely familiar, as if he had felt it his entire life but just never noticed. It felt like the smell of rich soil, the feeling of ripping through thin plant roots. He could taste the cool wetness of the earth inside his mouth and he rolled the metallic, gritty taste around his tongue. The urge to spit was great. The urge to run away, to jump through the window and make for the forest was greater. He thought back to the spider and wished with all his might he could be that spider, he could just exist at the mercy of the world, the ancient laws that governed the earth since the beginning of times. Nitori blinked rapidly, trying to clear the feeling, the heavy weight of this new oldness but couldn't shake it. A sudden squawk make him jump, as he turned to the large crow landing on the windowsill, flapping its wings.
"Everything has a purpose. Whether its purpose is to reproduce as fast as it can before it becomes another's meal, it is still a purpose. Every living creature and plant has a soul, no matter how small, and those souls are pure, intertwined with each other, serving their purpose so our universe can continue on."
Nitori recited Rin's lessons to himself under his breath as he wrapped twine around long stems.
"If you are respectful and patient, you will coexist with the universe and your eyes will be opened. You will reach a higher level of understanding and you will be doing as the universe planned for you. Don't try to fight it, don't push others away. You will only blind yourself."
Nitori's voice cracked on the last sentence and looked to the sky. Miku was circling, her dark silhouette cutting in front of the sun every so often.
"What is my purpose, Rin? What if part of my soul was ripped away from me? What then?"
"And get that devil bird out of here! Stop calling these demons to my home! Get out! Get out!"
His mother threw the nearest object, one of Nitori's pillows, at the window, but the crow wasn't deterred. It crowed louder and flew in the room to Nitori's shoulder and crouched, fluffing its feathers up defensively at Nitori's mother. The woman screamed and ran out of the room, calling for her husband.
Nitori looked over to his crow and studied the one beady eye he could see. "Do you feel that?" His voice was soft and scared. "Inside of me. I can feel something different." Miku was still puffed in agitation and staring at the bedroom door where his mother had fled out of. She hopped to the windowsill and cawed then flew around his head, batting him with her wings before settling back on his shoulder, cawing again. She was distressed.
Rin's familiar, a black cat named Sharktooth, rubbed her head against Nitori's knee. Miku cawed and swooped down at the cat, sending her running off with her tail held high.
"Not nice, Miku."
The crow took off to return to the skies and Nitori sighed, placing his last flower bundle in his basket. He got up and walked along the pond's edge leisurely, balancing the basket on his hip and shielding his eye from the sun with his free hand.
"Oi, love, come join me!"
Nitori laughed and shook his head, his tied hair hitting the sides of his face. "I've got to go inside and start cooking, Rin."
Rin ducked under the water and swam closer to land, then stood up in the shallow water, holding out his hand. "Come on, just for a little bit, Ai. It's hot out."
Nitori heard angry cries rise up in town and he looked out his window but couldn't see anything. Miku flapped her wings and flew to the windowsill and back to his shoulder, then back to the windowsill. The feeling in his spine was still there and the taste in his mouth was growing stronger and an overwhelming intuition told him he needed to run, get out now and get out fast. Nitori's eyes scanned his room and he spotted his satchel. He snatched it up and threw in the most important items he thought he would need, and then climbed out his window, Miku fluttering around him. As soon as he was outside, she flew high, soaring across the sky and Nitori ran, following her. He ran as fast as he could, his lungs burning, his mouth feeling like it was too full of his saliva, and he knew he was going to choke, choke on the muddy thick spit. He stopped and bent over, spitting out globs and dry heaving. He coughed and gasped, his sweaty palm losing its grip on his knee and he jerked forward, almost toppling over.
How could he say no to Rin? Nitori huffed and placed the basket down and unwrapped the scarf from around his head and shoulders. "Fine. But only to cool off. Then I have to make us dinner." He stepped out of his sandals and shimmied out of his pants, placing them on top of a nearby rock. Rin grinned triumphantly as Nitori took his first steps into the water. As soon as Nitori's hand touched Rin's outstretched one, Rin pulled him close and wrapped him in his arms, easing them both into the water.
"Dinner can wait, love."
Rin kissed the corner of his mouth and Nitori smiled, reaching up to brush a dark red strand off of Rin's forehead.
"I suppose it can. But now you're going to have to help me, so we can eat before sunset."
Rin swam backwards, propelling them lazily through the water, his long hair enveloping them, floating and twisting around them in an underwater halo.
"I think I can handle that."
"He's over here! He's over here!" Cries got louder and Nitori's heart picked up pace. His eyes darted around looking for an escape route, but nothing was there, he was being closed in on, he was being pulled by his elbows, he was being dragged down the road, his heels leaving two pathetic dirt tracks in his wake.
"He tried to curse me with his eyes! Cut them out! Cut them out!"
"You're so pretty."
Nitori looked away at Rin's declaration, hiding the right side of his face from view. Rin leaned forward and pressed his lips to Nitori's wet skin and held him close.
"You don't believe me."
it wasn't a question. He did not want to lie to Rin, and it was true, Nitori never believed him when Rin told him things like this. Nitori closed his eye and shook his head.
"Well, I suppose I can't change your mind about yourself but," Rin kissed his temple, "I think you're beautiful. And I'll remind you every day. You need to know that someone sees you for who you are and can see the purity and goodness of your soul underneath your scars and toughened exterior. I see who you are, love. And you're beautiful."
Nitori came back to his senses at the sound of his mother's voice and panicked, trying to struggle free, but he was slammed down on a flat surface, the town alter he realized with horror, and held in place. Strong hands grabbed his chin and he tried to shake his head free, turning side to side and biting anything that he could reach, but to no avail. A fist knocked into his temple and he saw a flash of white light that faded into shimmering stars, spotting across his vision. Hands, so many hands, hot flesh, bony fingers, sharp nails. Pressing into his skin, holding him in place. Nitori swallowed, fear bubbling up his throat and he felt his windpipe constrict as his chest heaved. Miku flew in circles above him, way high in the sky and a shadow fell over him, blocking her from view. Before he could register what was happening, a blade sliced through his bottom eyelid and his face was on fire. His face was being crushed, the pressure of a thousand stones being forced into his eye socket as the knife carved. Nitori screamed as red was all he could see, and he thrashed as hard as he could but couldn't get away. He couldn't escape from the hot, searing pain of the blade, couldn't give in to his body's kneejerk reaction to recoil from the threat. He screamed until his lungs felt like they were bleeding, he screamed until it felt like the blade was running down his throat, he screamed until he was coughing up blood and spraying it out of his nose with each exhale. In reality, it took about 10 seconds to cut his right eye out, but it felt like an eternity. Of course, the pain didn't stop once the eye was removed, no, it grew stronger and stronger from the moment the blade cut through flesh.
Nitori looked at Rin, turning his head so their noses bumped. Tears fell down the left side of his face and he shuddered out a breath, looking down at the water in shame. He flinched when he felt Rin's thumb run gently along the twisted scar that slashed across his face where his right eye used to be.
"Rin, don't--"
Rin's hand fell away. "I'm sorry."
Nitori shook his head. "No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Rin. I'm sorry, sorry sorry..."
By some miracle, he got his head free from its prison, his muscles running on autopilot as his head flew side to side, slipping through grappling fingers and clawing fingernails. He heard angry squawks and felt a flurry of feathers and sharp claws, but Nitori could hardly focus as he thrashed and thrashed, his surroundings fading as his thoughts zeroed in on one thought. Get out. He raise his chest against the weight on him, trying to push away the bodies, and kicked his legs as wildly as he could. He rocked his shoulders side to side trying to pull his arms free, clenching his jaw and screaming high in the back of his throat, the coppery taste of blood gurgling and bubbling through the cracks in his gritted teeth. The world was black. Nitori couldn't see through the blinding pain, his remaining eye only offering him flashes of light, glimpses of the sky. Hitting the ground knocked the wind out of his abused body, but he forced himself to his feet and stumbled forward, scrambling away as fast as he could from grasping, violent hands. He took off down the dirt road, never stopping to breathe, never stopping to rest, never stopping to see where he was going. He ran and ran and ran until he knew he was far away and no one would follow him. And then, Nitori allowed himself to collapse.
Rin helped Nitori out of the water and wrapped a his scarf around Nitori's shoulders. He leaned forward, gathering his long hair over one shoulder and wrung it out, flipping it back behind him as he straightened up. Nitori ran his fingers through the long, red locks and separated any tangles he found and made sure none of the braids Rin liked to wear came undone. Nitori then removed his own hair ties, ruffling out the tufts of hair on either side of his face so it could dry properly.
"Let's go, love." Rin had pulled his pants on and helped Nitori into his own pair. Propping the basket on his hip, Nitori followed Rin back to their house, where Miku and Sharktooth waited for them. The crow flew to Nitori, landing on his head. That was her favorite spot when Nitori cooked, because she always got some scraps. Rabbit was her favorite.
"Rin, could you hang these bundles as I wash the vegetables?"
Nitori placed the basket down on their table and started unloading their haul. Sharktooth jumped up and sniffed curiously, shooting Miku a glance when the bird cawed at her. Rin picked up a flower bundle and inspected it.
"Interesting combination... What's on your mind?"
Nitori turned around and saw the bundle Rin was holding.
"I made that one for you. I'm going to bless it and hang it over your bed."
Rin swallowed and turned the bundle around his fingers.
"Faithfulness, order, harmony... Ai."
Nitori was scooped up into an embrace, much to Miku's dismay, and he couldn't help but smile as Rin buried his face into his neck. Rin pulled away when Miku pecked at his hair, pulling out strands.
"Ah, fuck. Knock it off, Miku." The crow tilted it's head at Rin, looking at him with one little eye.
"It's how I feel," Nitori patted his heart, "You've shown me so much, more than I ever thought I'd see. And because of you, I understand so much. I'm still trying to find my place in the universe, but one place I am sure I belong , the one thing I am not blinded to; that I am forever yours."
"Love."
Rin's eyes watered and he pressed his lips to Nitori's, ignoring Miku's pecks and squawks.
"And maybe... Maybe one day I'll be able to believe you when you tell me what you think of me. That I won't think you're lying and I'll believe that my face and defiled soul doesn't deter you--"
"Has it ever? It's not defi--"
"And maybe one day I'll be able to repeat what you say, and tell it to myself in a mirror with pure, genuine honesty and believe myself. Maybe one day I will realize my purpose."