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Whenever Life Day came around, the atmosphere seemed to change by itself. There was a bustle to everything, a certain kind of hectic, paired with a strange merry feeling of coziness and warmth. So when Starlight Beacon was facing its first holiday season, naturally, Zeen perceived the slight shift in people’s spirits as though the Force had presented it to her on a silver platter. She knew Life Day was coming up. After all, she’d just run into Ram and Reath and spontaneously joined them on a podracing adventure, bringing home a bounty they had declared Life Day goods as cover. But what she didn’t know was where the sudden surge of emotions she felt along with the holiday cheer came from. And whenever she did not have the answer to something, there was one person she felt comfortable enough to share her feelings with.
“Lula?” the young Mikkian asked her friend, who was busy sifting through Nihil attack reports in the hopes of finding a pattern to their robberies or any sign that pointed to Krix Kamerat. Zeen felt unease at having pulled Lula out of her concentrated work, but the sensation of uncertainty nagged at her – and there was enough uncertainty in her life already. If she could eliminate at least one source of it, maybe the anxiety of not knowing how to handle herself on a Station and among people she technically didn’t belong to would be less overwhelming.
“Hm?” Lula looked up from her datapad. “What’s the matter?”
“I didn’t mean to distract you,” Zeen admitted. “But something’s off. And I’m not sure if it’s me or something else. Is it me?”
The Jedi put down her device and got up from her desk, joining Zeen on the bed, where the pink-skinned Mikkian had mindlessly been tossing a small decorative ball Lula had put up a few days ago into the air and slowing its descent with the Force. “Maybe I wanted to be distracted by you,” Lula teased, nudging her. Her grin betrayed the truth behind her words. The joke didn’t seem to reach Zeen the way it usually did. Lula tried a more serious approach, remembering how her Master Kantam talked to her when she was feeling confused. “Can you explain what you’re feeling?”
“I just-,” Zeen struggled, “I don’t know! I feel what everyone else is feeling, and I also feel what I am feeling, and I don’t know where they start and I begin. And with all this Life Day cheer, it’s become so muddled in my head!” She sighed, both in frustration and at the relief of her emotions finally being out in the open.
Lula smiled at her. Something about the girl’s held back grin made Zeen’s worries wash away. It was why even though she had found many great friends on Starlight, she always returned to her. “Well,” she said. “I can’t tell you what you’re feeling or not feeling, but I can tell you what I’m perceiving through the Force right now. Maybe that would help?”
Zeen only nodded. Lula stirred and shifted into a cross-legged position, closing her eyes and swiftly falling into meditation. They often did this together, just sitting in silence and listening to the Force, its gentle twists and turns tugging at them, binding them together. With Lula, Zeen didn’t mind not knowing where she ended and herself began. With everyone else … well, that just confused her. Patiently waiting for Lula to finish her Force meditation, Zeen’s eyes wandered across the girl, across the room, back across Lula. She didn’t quite know where to look. It didn’t feel right to stare at her, but she also didn’t manage to take her eyes off her. Staring around the room felt just as weird and she didn’t want to be avoidant of her friend. So after a while of intently examining the wall behind Lula, she gave up and let her eyes trail back to her. To her calm, placid face. To her chest, slowly rising and falling as she breathed deeply. To her hands, resting on her knees.
“Zeen?” Lula’s voice made the Mikkian jump.
“What?” she tried to collect herself. Where had her mind been wandering? Why did her voice sound so high-pitched? Had her mouth been hanging open? Had she looked like an absolute fool?
“You know it’s okay if you look at me. I don’t mind.”
Zeen was sure her cheeks were burning red. Maybe the muddle of emotions was her after all. She gaped at Lula for a moment, searching for a reply that would not be completely awkward. All she could come up with was a small “Okay.”
Lula laughed and pulled her braids over her shoulder. “There is nothing strange going on aboard Starlight, at least not as far as I can tell. Everyone’s excited for Life Day, it’s always a big thing on Coruscant, so I suppose they’re making it a big thing here too. Maybe that’s what you felt, people being a little more stressed about gifts or seeing family for the holidays.”
The Mikkian shrugged. “That can’t be it. I’m happy everyone else is busy and excited!”
“But aren’t you maybe also a little bit sad?” Lula offered. “Come on, I can see that you’re not quite yourself lately. Plus, your tendrils give you away.”
Zeen hadn’t even noticed her tendrils had been curling and uncurling, a habit that tended to flare up whenever she was unnerved. Now that Lula mentioned it, Zeen realized she’d been doing it for days. She suppressed a curse.
It wasn’t hard to see how much Zeen was struggling, but when Lula grabbed her hand and understood, it still made her heart burst a little. “What was Life Day like for you so far?” Lula asked.
Zeen thought for a moment. “There wasn’t much of a Life Day for me. I mean, I know about it and I see how joyous everyone gets, but where I’m from, we never stuck to one place, so we never decorated or exchanged gifts. Besides, what family was there for me to celebrate with?” The words were flowing out of her without restraint now. “It’s nice that everyone is looking forward to this, and I want to do that too, but somehow I don’t, and I’m angry at myself for that!”
Lula squeezed her hand. “You can be happy for others and still be sad you didn’t get to experience the same things,” she said. “Both of these feelings can exist at the same time. It’s okay that they do. You don’t have to try to erase one of them.” Lula wasn’t sure if she’d overstepped, if this was even advice Zeen wanted or needed to hear or if she was assuming too much. Still, her and Zeen never left anything between them unspoken – besides the very obvious thing neither girl ever mentioned – so she gave her friend the best comfort she could. Sometimes that meant holding her hand and being upfront about her thoughts at the same time.
Zeen finally truly met Lula’s eyes, and when their gazes locked, she didn’t try to keep the tears from falling. Lula gave her a moment until she gently wiped them off with her free hand, offering Zeen a kind smile. “And just because you didn’t have something all your life, that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have it now.”
The Mikkian sniffed. “Now you’re just starting to sound like Master Kantam.”
Lula couldn’t help but laugh. She did start to sound like them on occasion. “Sorry.”
“No, don’t apologize, I like that side of you. You’ll make a great Master one day, if you want to teach others.”
Lula sighed. “Thank you. I’m sure I’ll think about it. But for now, why don’t we talk about a couple traditions that the Jedi take part in around Life Day. If that’s something you’d like to hear?”
“I would love to,” Zeen said. Maybe this was a new chance at making this holiday a little less gloomy for her. It was good to know that she had people around her who wanted her along, but who would also understand that this day was bittersweet for her and that she did not understand everything that was going on.
“Don’t worry, I’ll explain everything to you,” Lula said, as though she had read Zeen’s thoughts. Maybe Lula hadn’t been meditating about Starlight. Maybe Lula had been trying to read her all along. And she had done a kriffing good job at it. Zeen narrowed her eyes at her.
“What?” Lula mirrored her expression.
“Nothing,” Zeen grinned, pulling Lula into a hug so energetically they toppled over and landed on top of each other on the bed. Both girls laughed, Zeen’s tears already forgotten. They rolled onto their backs, shoulders still touching. Zeen picked up the ornament again, tossing it into the air once more, only now, she was steering it towards Lula with the Force. The girl let the ball float until it almost touched her hand, then sent it flying back to Zeen. They lay like that, tossing the little ornament back and forth, Lula telling Zeen about decorations and gifts and joking about making a mess of the kitchen when they’d attempt to bake cookies, until a knock at the door pulled them out of their Life Day bubble and Master Kantam reminded them that on Lula’s desk, dozens of unread reports were waiting for her. The girls promised to work on them together, that this way they would get twice as much done. Kantam nodded, leaving the room with a knowing look, certain that neither of them would get any work done for the rest of the day.