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Whenever Edward tried to remember the face of his mother, the most prominent memory was the face of that thing that he and Al had created only three years prior. Sure, he hadn’t forgotten what his mother looked like, thanks to all of the photos that were pinned to a corkboard in the Rockbell household, but it was getting harder and harder to remember what she looked like when she was moving around, harder to remember her peals of laughter.
Every time the fourteen year old dreamt of his mother, he would struggle to remember the finer details, and it would always end the exact same: staring into the horrifying face of what they created.
On a mission one day, in which he had to pretend to be Riza’s son, he fell asleep on the bed next to hers, and his mind scrambled for a happy memory of his mother.
He could remember transmuting flowers for her. He didn’t remember why she wanted them, but she did. So he happily managed to transmute a beautiful bouquet of red lilies. They were mom’s favorite. He ran back inside, his little five year old voice gleefully calling out, “mom! Mom! I made the flowers!”
But there was no response. He frowned and walked down the hall, to the room she was in. He froze.
His baby brother and friends surrounded mom’s bed. He ran forward, flowers clutched in his hand.
“Mom!” He cried out, pushing Al out of the way.
But instead of seeing her tired, pale, and dying face, he saw that monster, jaw snapped open and the whites of her eyes boring holes into his.
At once, everything around him went pitch black, leaving him with the decayed, rotting corpse of that thing.
“Why did you do this to me, Edward? You were supposed to just bring your mommy flowers.”
“M-mom…I…” Ed stammered, taking a few steps back.
“You killed me again…”
“No! I didn’t want to!”
“You made me die a painful death again…”
Ed squeezed his eyes shut and he screamed.
Hands gripped his shoulders, and he tried to push them away.
“Ed!”
His eyes snapped open and he gasped, struggling to take in his surroundings. He could swear he saw the face of his mother in his sluggish state. His golden eyes widened, and he threw himself at her.
“Mom!”
The figure of his mother froze for a solid five seconds, before hesitantly hugging him back. She didn’t say anything, but Ed didn’t care. He missed his mother so much, and she was here, she was right here, hugging him firmly, her toned arms gently squeezing him reassuringly, her soft blonde hair falling into his face-
Wait. Blonde hair..?
No, mom’s hair was a light chestnut color…not blonde…
That was what made Ed slowly pull back, looking into the concerned brown- not green, pair of eyes.
The face of his mother was gone, and in her place was the worried gaze of First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye. Horror slowly coursed through Ed’s veins as he realized what just happened. He opened his mouth to apologize, but his voice died in his throat. He was left feeling mortified. He slowly started to shift away from her. He couldn’t bear to see Riza’s face right now. Not after that.
Even though she wasn’t in her military uniform- instead donning a pale pink pair of silk pajamas with her soft hair down and spilling over her shoulders, this was still…well, not his boss, technically he did outrank her, but this was someone who he really looked up to…like…like…
Like a mom?
“I…I’m sor…” Ed started to choke out.
At once, those toned arms- mom’s arms were never toned, they were only ever thin and delicate, wrapped around him again. His eyes widened and he tensed up in the lieutenant’s hold.
“You don’t need to apologize, Ed,” Riza said softly, “I may not be your mother, but you can always rely on me.”
He blinked, his eyes wavering with unshed tears. Slowly, he relaxed and wrapped his mismatched arms around her too, burying his face in her shoulder.
Her hold was different from his mother’s. But at the same time, there was an air of familiarity to it. Both of their hugs were warm and comforting, and even if Trisha Elric was gone from this world, he knew that he still had someone else who could give him similar reassurances.
Now, whenever he thought of the face of his mother, rather than the soft, pale look that he saw in pictures, or that decayed thing from that awful night, he saw Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye’s face.
_____
When Ed thought of his brother, he didn’t think of the seven foot tall suit of armor that he’d trapped his brother’s soul in. He thought of short blonde hair and golden eyes, both the same color as his own. It wasn’t as hard to remember his baby brother’s face, but he still missed it terribly.
However, even as the days went on, the fourteen year old felt more and more like the world’s worst brother. He wanted to see his baby brother in the flesh again. He wanted to see his smiling face again.
But he couldn’t. Because he was the one who forced his brother to participate with him in bringing their mother back. Because even though their teacher had taught them One is All, and All is One, he still never learned his lesson. He practically killed his brother, and only managed to save his soul.
It made the guilt eat him alive, and it made him want to cry. He absolutely hated himself for being so weak.
His little brother was the most precious person to him- he was supposed to protect him, and he sentenced him to a life of hell.
When Ed walked into the Eastern Command center, report gripped tightly in his hand, he couldn’t even be bothered to kick the door open. Which, in hindsight, may have been a good thing, because the outer office was empty, save for Jean Havoc.
“Heya chief,” Havoc grinned at him.
“Oh. Hi Lieutenant Havoc,” Ed blinked, “where’s everyone else?”
“Lunch break. The Colonel said you’d be here, so he told me to wait for you so you don’t just run off after dropping off your report. The Colonel should be back soon, though. Where’s Alphonse?”
“He’s at the library. We…” Ed’s words died in his throat, and he swallowed the heavy lump that was forming. “The…lead that Mustang gave us was a false one. We were so close that I could almost taste it…we really thought that this was going to be it. It was promising, and yet…”
“Ah, shit, beansprout,” Havoc said sympathetically, “I’m sure a lead will turn up.”
“But when?!” Ed cried out, feeling frustrated, “Al’s been stuck in that body for three years now! And it’s all my fault! If I was a better brother, then none of this would have happened! I wouldn’t even be here as the military’s lap dog!”
“Hey, chief,” Havoc stood up, his brows furrowing, “you may not realize it, but you’re a great brother. I mean, yeah, you made a mistake, but a bad brother would have just keeled over and given up. But you’re workin’ on fixing it, right? Al doesn’t blame you either. Why else would he worry about you so much?”
“Because he needs me to get his body back,” Ed muttered pathetically, all but collapsing on the black couch in the office.
Havoc sighed and plopped down next to him. “He worries because he loves you, beansprout. We all do.” Seeing Ed go silent, Havoc sighed and leaned back. “You know, I got several brothers and sisters too. The Havoc family reunions are always real big. I’m the oldest too.”
Ed peeked at him, but didn’t say anything.
“Sometimes, I wonder if I do enough for my little brothers and sisters. But you know what? I never let that fear take hold of me, because I know that I’m doing all I can for them, and as long as I can lead them down a good path, then I know it’ll all turn out fine.”
“That’s all well and good, but you’re not the one who has to search for a way to get your sibling’s body back,” Ed muttered. “It’s not the same.”
“No, it’s not,” Havoc agreed, “I doubt anyone in this world can understand what you two are going through. But just know, chief, you aren’t alone in this. You may be an older brother who’s working hard to fix your mistakes and trying to shoulder everything on your own, but you got an older brother too. One who’ll lift that burden right off of ya and make sure you don’t get crushed.”
“...What are you talking about? I don’t have an older brother,” Ed said, confused.
“You do,” Havoc ruffled his hair, causing Ed to glare at him. “And he’s right here.”
“...You?” Ed blinked.
“Course. You’re like family to me. To all of us- the whole team. You and Al are like the babies.”
“Who the hell are you callin’ a baby?” Ed grumbled.
Havoc only grinned at him. “You and Al, of course. My point is, chief, family helps each other, and even if we can’t really be a big help for you on your search, we’ll at least be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on.”
“I don’t cry. If anything, you should be offering this to Al, not me. He’s suffering more than I am.”
Havoc rolled his eyes. “I one hundred percent plan on talking to Al too, but right now, you’re the one who’s here and you’re the one who looks like a kicked puppy.”
“Kicked pup-?!”
Havoc ruffled his hair again, cutting him off and causing the smaller to growl in annoyance. Grinning a little, Havoc threw his arm around Ed’s shoulders. “So rely on us a little bit, kay, chief?”
Ed looked away from him, scooting a bit so he was slightly closer to the taller blonde man.
“...Yeah, whatever…” He muttered, but in truth? He felt…happier. He was so used to being the older brother that…it kind of…felt nice to be watched out for. But just a little bit.
He really did like Havoc, too.
He may think of his baby brother when he thinks about having brotherly bonds, but now he could think of Havoc too, even if it was on a lesser scale. He and Al weren’t alone in this.
And besides, this way, Al had two older brothers looking out for him.
_____
The one person that Ed downright refused to think about was his bastard of a father, especially since his clearest memory was of Hohenheim glaring down at him before turning his back on him and Al, and walking out the front door of their home.
In an annoying sense, though, it gave Ed a subconscious fear. It never bothered him watching someone leave a room per se. In fact, he never even correlated seeing someone walk out of a room with that bastard. Not when Al did it, not when Havoc did or Riza or any of the other members of the team.
But it was different now.
Laying in a hospital after his latest mission, Ed was a little high off of painkillers. He could only vaguely remember what had happened.
He, Mustang, and Al were all sitting with each other on a train, having run into each other while on their way to Central. It was a simple coincidence. However, there had been…a bit of an issue. Some terrorists had snuck on board and were setting off explosives. Of course, the three dealt with them accordingly, with Ed running off to find the ringleader. He did, and he ended the fight swiftly, albeit not entirely painlessly.
He’d just finished tying the leader up when he chuckled and told Ed that he was going down with him.
And then…he didn’t really remember much. He could faintly remember pain, heat, and a loud noise that made him feel like he was going deaf.
Ah…an explosive. He’d been right near it.
The train car he was in- the engine room, had exploded. The heat of the fire and the hot coals flew everywhere along with it, and the entire train derailed. The last thing he could remember seeing was the rubble pinning him down, his vision dark, and the feeling of hot coal surrounding him, with some even pinning him down.
The last thing he heard was Al’s shrill cry of “brother!” and a familiar, barking tone of “Fullmetal!”.
And now, here he was, injured and stuck in a hospital.
Al sat beside him in worry, and Mustang, who’d just given him the lecture of a goddamn lifetime (not that Ed really comprehended it), only sighed.
“Honestly, Fullmetal. What am I going to do with you? You can’t go one day without causing destruction, even when we’re on our way to Central.”
“Not my fault…” Ed mumbled.
“Not your fault, just your luck,” Mustang sighed heavily. “You’re lucky that Alphonse and I were around to get all that rubble off of you, and that those pieces of coal only left you with second degree burns.”
Al made a small noise from beside him, clearly distressed that his brother sustained any burns at all. And that his brother had gotten crushed from the rubble of the engine room of the train.
“Anyway, I have a meeting to get to. I’ll be back when all of my work is caught up. Of course, thanks to a certain somebody’s luck, it’ll take even longer, now that I have to report on the incident…” Mustang grumbled, “and now, I won’t be able to get much rest tonight.”
Ed rolled his eyes.
How’d this whiny idiot make Colonel anyway…
“I’ll see you in a while, Fullmetal,” Mustang clapped a hand on Ed’s automail shoulder, before walking to the door. He paused. “Oh, and Fullmetal.”
“Hm?”
“Don’t cause trouble for the nurses,” Mustang turned his head slightly to look at him, before opening the door.
Ed’s eyes widened and, he would swear on his life it was thanks to the pain medication he was practically high off of, he whispered out, “don’t go, dad…”
Mustang froze.
Al froze.
Ed froze. Ah shit, they heard him.
There was a silence that seemed to outstretch forever, and with each passing second that honestly felt like hours, Ed’s heart sank to his stomach, bile rising up in his throat.
“...I’m not your father, kid,” Mustang finally said. His tone was even, but underneath that even tone, Ed could hear something else. Something…tighter. Though he really couldn’t place the emotion it was. “I’m your commanding officer, and that’s all.”
He left.
Ed didn’t break.
Al only sat with him in silence, until Ed fell asleep.
Though, when he woke up, it was dark in the room. He didn’t see Al, but he heard the sound of a book page turning and knew he was nearby.
On top of that, he felt a hand running through his hair. His golden eyes opened blearily, and his eyes met surprised black ones.
“Mus..?”
“Shh,” Mustang muttered, causing armor to rattle to look over.
“Thought…y’wanted t’sleep…”
It was silent in the darkened hospital room, and Mustang spoke again, though his voice was quieter.
“...A commanding officer has to make sure both of his kids are fine too, doesn’t he?”
Ed blinked, and Al gasped softly. They both understood his silent message.
Mustang could claim he wasn’t their father all he wanted. Say that he was just their commanding officer, but there was clearly something more to it.
He wasn’t their father, but the bonds would be similar enough.
Ed and Al may both not really remember what it was like to have a father, and maybe it was unconventional, but Mustang made them feel like it was close enough. Maybe things weren’t always exactly the ideal or picture perfect way of how someone would view a “family”, but neither brother really seemed to care. Now, whenever they tried to think of their father, the face of Colonel Roy Mustang would be the first thing to come to mind.
They had their own family that they had found. That they gained after losing so much. Maybe that was equivalent exchange.
Or maybe that was just the meaning of family.