Chapter Text
What was she doing? Why the hell had she chosen to torture herself like that?
Addison stared at the black lacy underwear in her hands and felt her heart break in two. She watched her hands shake; with pain, with anger, with jealousy, she didn't know which. She only knew what she had found and that was her husband's ex mistress' underwear buried in his pocket. It made her blood boil.
You are gonna ask how she knew whose underwear that was. Well for a while now, Meredith Grey hadn't just been Derek's ex mistress, even though from the looks of it the "ex" was used quite freely.
Addison didn't know how it had started; how it came to that; sleeping with her husband's mistress that is. At first it felt like revenge. Even though her husband had chosen her and their marriage instead of Meredith, he had never actually stopped hunting the intern down. She could see it even from a distance. The way he looked at her. He had never looked at Addison like that. Not once in their twelve years of marriage. So the first time she approached the blonde it appeared to be professional and all but in reality her motives had been anything but. Maybe her revenge was petty. And maybe it was her own curiosity about the blonde that had led her to take these questionable decisions, but after working together, she couldn't ignore the attraction she felt for the young intern.
The woman was polite, brilliantly smart, beautiful, funny, compassionate and caring. Who wouldn't fall for her? And apparently that was exactly what Addison had done. She had fallen in love with her husband's ex mistress. When this thing between her and Meredith had started, she had made it clear to the young blonde that it was purely carnal. Just scratching an itch as she had called it. She didn't even notice how it shifted, how it changed with every minute Addison spent in Meredith's company. Meredith had changed Addison's view of the entire world. That's how special the young woman was.
And now here she was feeling her heart breaking for something that should have never happened in the first place. How bizarre was that? Or was it simply ironic? Come to think of it, she had made a scene in front of everyone about how Derek didn't care for her because she wasn't Meredith Grey. And here she was not caring about Derek because he wasn't Meredith Grey, and breaking apart because Meredith had clearly chosen him instead of her. The irony was killing her.
Her world fell apart. As she held the lacy underwear in her hands, she understood that it was never about Derek. Not anymore anyway.
And yet, despite sleeping with Meredith while she was still married to Derek, she had no right as to whom Meredith slept with. That would be selfish of her. It didn't even surprise her that she didn't care if Derek slept around. It was all about Meredith now. And that lacy underwear of hers and what it represented.
Meredith was in love with Derek just as much as Derek was with her. Just as much as Addison was with her. And it hurt like a bitch. Because once again, she came second. Hell this time she was the third person, the one getting in the way of the happy couple and she had to step away. It was time to leave them be.
She gripped the underwear in her fist tightly and tried to decide what to do with it. She considered hanging it on the notice board just for the hell of it. Just to show Meredith that she knew. Just to show Derek that she wasn't stupid. But she had no right to humiliate her. She couldn't bring herself to hurt her. And she wouldn't give Derek the satisfaction that he had hurt her again.
She could put it back in Derek's pocket, pretending that she didn't know what happened. But he got to keep Meredith. He wouldn't get to keep her underwear too.
No.
Addison was going to keep it. In a way, no matter how filthy and wrong it made her feel, it was the only thing she would have of Meredith. And maybe it was stupid. It was just a stupid underwear after all. But it would serve as a painful reminder not to make the same mistakes again.
She shoved it in her purse, out of sight and out of mind, and headed for her lawyer's office. It was time to end this charade once and for all. And then it would be time to move on.
60 days. That was how long she would have to wait. So she moved out of the trailer, informed Derek that she was filing for a divorce and moved back into the Archfield.
The worst of it all was that she had to pretend that everything was okay while avoiding Meredith at the same time. It wasn't as hard as it sounded. Meredith seemed to be avoiding her as well. She could see the guilt in her eyes every time she caught her staring. And Meredith always saw the sadness in Addison's emerald ones. They were painfully aware that they both knew what had happened. Meredith figured it out the moment Derek told her that Addison was divorcing him right after the prom. But Meredith was too scared to find Addison, to talk to her and explain what had led to that night.
Of course, Addison didn't know that so she assumed that Meredith had made her choice when she slept with her soon-to-be ex husband. And yet, she couldn't be mad at her. It was too complicated. The only one she could be mad at was herself, for placing herself in the middle of it in the first place, when she should have stepped away. It was as simple as that.
But life's a bitch with a dark sense of humor.
So she waited patiently until the papers were finally ready to be signed. She did that as soon as she got her hands on them and then passed them to Derek.
Finally, she was free to move on. But she didn't feel free somehow. No matter how hard she tried to avoid her, she still felt chained to that beautiful and sweet intern.
Her exit had to be quick and abrupt without anyone but Richard knowing. No goodbyes, no hugs, no tears. Callie and Miranda would understand. Callie already knew and Miranda had guessed, so they would understand her need to flee even if they didn't approve the decision.
Coincidentally, her last day in Seattle was the day after Burke's and Yang's wedding which unfortunately she had to attend. Meredith was there, of course. She was Yang's maid of honor and she looked as gorgeous as ever. She had to fight the need to run to her and whisk her away. What good would it do anyway? It would only lead to her own humiliation.
Karev had sat next to her, saying something about finding the most beautiful woman in the room and sitting next to her. She was flattered but even flirting didn't make her feel better. And Addison Montgomery had always been a flirt.
She brought him down gently. And bid him a subtle goodbye through advice.
"Nothing is worse than missing an opportunity that could have changed your life, but sometimes the right way to love someone is to leave them be. Don’t forget that, Karev."
Alex, of course, looked at her confused. Addison just smiled, squeezed his shoulder and stood up, making her way towards the exit.
She glanced back for the last time when she reached the side entrance and watched Meredith walk down the aisle. They locked eyes. Sea green wide with worry met emerald green shining with finality but an immense amount of love.
Addison slipped out without a second glance, completely missing the falling apart of the wedding and the breaking up between Meredith and Derek. Who would expect that anyway?
And that was the last time she saw Meredith Grey.
Two weeks later, when Cristina and Meredith had returned from Cristina's honeymoon, Addison was already gone. And Meredith lost the earth beneath her feet when she found out that Addison had moved to LA for good.
Addison had left and had moved on before Meredith had the chance to tell her how she felt, how much Addison had meant to her and how she had made the biggest mistake of her life that night, which only resulted in hurting the redhead again.
It was truly over this time.