Chapter Text
22/6/15
Hi everyone!
Just a little reminder if someone has put their name on an item in the office fridge, it is for their use only!
Thanks
Simmons
23/6/15
Hi everyone!
I see that I may have to remind you again that if it’s not yours don’t touch it!
Thanks
Simmons
Simmons
No one’s eating your homemade stew. We throw it out because it stinks up the fridge. Please for the love of god stop cooking it.
Thanks
Everyone
24/6/15
Hi everyone!
Could the person who has been tearing down these notices from the notice board please stop! These notices are a vital way for me to keep up with the office!
Thanks
Simmons
25/6/15
Hi everyone!
I’ve noticed that the printer has run out of ink again for the third time this month! Could everyone please remember to print only work related items?
Thanks
Simmons
Does work related items include the “motivational” posters you print off by the dozen? Think of the trees we could save, Simmons.
Grif
26/6/15
Hi everyone!
Just a reminder that the office is a non-smoking area! As Human Resources Manager it is in my best interest if my employees live past 50!
Thanks
Simmons
29/6/15
Hi everyone!
The smoking ban applies to ALL things that smoke, so Grif this means no campfires! It does not boost morale and it only boots paperwork for the OHS manager! Please don’t do it again!
Thanks
Simmons
30/6/15
Hi everyone!
Just a few notes about Casual Tuesday! Casual means fully clothed! Please wear pants everyone! Grif, although dressing up as movie characters is not against the rules of Casual Tuesday, it is frowned upon! Please refrain from dressing as The Gimp it is inappropriate for the workplace!
Thanks
Simmons
1/7/15
Hi everyone!
Could whoever took my stapler please return it?
Thanks
Simmons
2/7/15
Hi everyone!
By return my stapler I did not mean return a piece of it with a ransom note! It is not my place to give you days off! Grif, please return the rest of my stapler!
Thanks
Simmons
3/7/15
Hi everyone!
There never has been, nor ever will be a Bring Your Pet to Work Day! I am moving lunch to now so you can take your pets back home! Also, Caboose seems to have lost his pet tarantula Freckles so if you see it, please let him know!
Thanks
Simmons
6/7/15
Hi everyone!
Just a reminder that Caboose’s tarantula is still missing. Please let us know if you see it!
Thanks
Simmons
7/7/15
Hi everyone!
Caboose’s tarantula has been found! However, the screaming was very much unnecessary, Donut!
Thanks
Simmons
8/7/15
Hi everyone!
Could the owner of the four-month-old yoghurt please remove it out of the office fridge?
Thanks
Simmons
Dude that’s Junior’s science project. He’s studying decomposition, he’s gonna get at least a C for this shit.
Tucker
Hi Tucker!
As much as I care about your son’s education, I value the office morale more! As Human Resources Manager I feel the yoghurt is bringing the morale down! Please remove it from the fridge immediately!
Thanks
Simmons
It smells better than your godawful stew. Get over yourself Simmons.
Grif
9/7/15
Hi everyone!
Toilet paper is to remain inside the bathroom at all times! It does not belong strewn about my office! Grif, please apologize to the cleaners for making such a mess!
Thanks
Simmons
Why is it always my fault?
Grif
Hi Grif!
I am a huge believer in the laws of probability! And the laws of probability state that when something goes wrong in the office it’s you!
Thanks
Simmons
10/7/15
Hi everyone!
Children are not to be brought into the office! Especially random children off the street! They are not cute and we cannot keep them, even if they would make an excellent mascot for the office! You are very lucky Caboose that the police were not called!
Thanks
Simmons
13/7/15
Hi everyone!
Could the person who has been drawing moustaches on everyone’s personal photos please control themselves! You are on your third warning, Grif!
Thanks
Simmons
Just out of curiosity, why haven’t I been fired yet?
Grif
[Note thrown at Grif’s head]
Grif
You’re a fucking idiot but you’re this office’s fucking idiot. If we lost you this whole office may collapse
Simmons
[Note thrown rather forcefully at Simmons’ desk knocking over a pencil mug in the process]
That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me Simmons. But passing notes? What is this, Degrassi?
Grif
[Note pelted at Grif’s pre-after lunch snack so hard he dropped it]
That’s the only nice thing I could say to your fat ass. Are you kidding me? They actually liked each other in Degrassi. Also you wouldn’t have anything to do with Donut’s office being painted pink would you? Because that is legally classed as bullying and as your Human Resource Manager I can’t have that in my office.
Simmons
[Note thrown directly in the middle of Simmons’ forehead resulting in many cheers from the office]
Oh you wound me. No surprisingly, Donut did that all by himself. Calls it personal freedom and has his argument prepared in case you tell him to repaint. And it’s a light-ish red don’t make my mistake.
Grif
[Note thrown by Caboose, after Simmons asked nicely, at Grif causing Grif to be knocked off his feet]
Duly noted. But the men’s bathroom suddenly being covered in pictures of Idris Elba was you right?
Simmons
[Note covered in wet pink paint from Donut’s office thrown at the back of Simmons’ jacket]
Again no. Church said he didn’t find black people attractive to spite Tucker so now Tucker has put Idris Elba on all the urinals so that “the most attractive human being on this earth can judge your tiny unused dick”
Grif
[Note written on the back of a partially wet picture of Idris Elba and thrown at Grif’s face]
Creative. What have you done today then?
Simmons
[Note written on the back of a torn motivational poster]
Distracted you while Donut convinced Caboose that the receptionist is madly in love with him and wants to whisk him away to the Caribbean. Brace yourself for impact in 5…4…3
You’re welcome
Grif
14/7/15
Hi everyone!
Just a reminder that it is inappropriate to run away to elope in work hours! It is also inappropriate to attempt start a fight with Caboose, Lopez! You will lose! Shelia is not a toy to be fought over! Must we have yet another Appropriate Behaviour in the Workplace Seminar? I will do it do not test me!
Thanks
Simmons
Hi everyone!
As Human Resource Manager it is perfectly within my rights to request the need for a seminar! Writing "Fascist Pig" on my office desk is completely inaccurate and furthermore it's vandalism! The cleaners overtime will be coming out of your paychecks!
Thanks
Simmons
15/7/15
Hi everyone!
After careful deliberation I have decided to go ahead with Donut’s suggestion of a Secret Santa! It may be September but I feel that this could have a wonderful effect on office morale! Could everyone meet in the lunchroom at 2:00 so we can sort out who gets who! The presents will be handed out on Friday!
Thanks
Simmons
17/7/15
Hi everyone!
After that disaster I am reminded why we stopped doing Secret Santa in the first place! Edible underwear was not an acceptable gift to give your superior, Grif! A nude portrait is not a work of art but rather an awkward gift for Tucker to receive, Donut! And Church put a bit more effort in, we could all tell that the “meal” you made for Lopez was actually last night’s leftovers! If we could never do this again it would be appreciated by all!
Thanks
Simmons
[Note sneakily passed to Simmons]
Put on the underwear and I’ll meet you in the staff bathroom in 10.
Grif
[Note passed to Grif almost immediately afterwards]
Excuse me?
Simmons
[Note handed to Simmons]
Oh come off it Simmons. You know you want me to fuck you.
[Note passed to Grif with an unimpressed look]
This is the laziest seduction I’ve ever experienced, this must be why you’re still single.
[Note accidently thrown at Simmons’s crotch as he was walking past]
Yeah you’ve just been Grifed.
Grif
[Note thrown at Grif’s coffee mug, that reads “Is it lunchtime yet?”, nearly breaking it]
I can’t believe I’m saying yes to this
20/7/15
Hi Tucker!
If you could please take down the nude portrait Donut painted of you from Reception it would be highly appreciated! It is starting to make everyone uncomfortable and it is not the welcome to the company that we want!
Thanks
Simmons
Aw nah dude you’re just incapable of handling my banging bod.
Tucker
Shut up Tucker we all know you only fucking hanged it there because Wash just started working at Reception.
Woah woah Church, ix-nay on the ash-way
21/7/15
Hi everyone!
Just a reminder that you are not oppressed, and shouting that you are, at the Administrative Director, is inappropriate, Grif! Leading the office in a rendition of “Do you hear the people sing?” was also inappropriate, Tucker! Sarge may have thought it was amusing but, if you could not do it again, that would be wonderful!
Thanks
Simmons
22/7/15
Hi everyone!
Writing erotic fiction about your colleges is extremely inappropriate! Reading it aloud with lewd hand gestures is also not appropriate for the office! Grif and I are not an item and suggesting that we have sexual chemistry is just plain wrong, Tucker! Agreeing with him Grif was not helping things! If we could stop this before we need to get Sarge involved and he suggests a seminar that would be fantastic!
Thanks
Simmons
Hi everyone!
Petitions to ban seminars are not legally recognized here! Please stop starting them Grif!
Thanks
Simmons
23/7/15
Hi everyone!
Well now you’ve done it, Sarge is coming down tomorrow for the Appropriate Behaviour in the Workplace Seminar! Or as Sarge likes to call it, No Touchy! You can give credit to Church for once again bringing his partner into the workplace!
Thanks
Simmons
More like banging his partner into the workplace. Bow chicka bow wow.
Hi Tucker!
Comments like these is why we need a seminar! The language is getting out of hand and is unacceptable for the workplace!
Thanks
Simmons
Hi everyone!
Just reminder that we do have a complaints system! There is no need to write “Complaints Box” on the trash can!
Thanks
Simmons
[Note chucked at Simmons while he was cleaning the “Complaints Box”]
Bit hypocritical for you to be going off at everyone about appropriate behavior in the workplace don’t you think?
Grif
[Note thrown at Grif while he was eating his pre-home time meal]
I don’t know what you’re talking about
Simmons
[Note written on the back of a receipt from the secret santa debacle]
I didn’t know my edible underwear eating skills were that forgettable. I’m hurt Simmons
Grif
[Note quickly thrown at Grif when Simmons thinks no one is looking]
No one is questioning your eating skills fatass, it’s your blowjob technique that could use some work.
Simmons
[Note passed to Simmons as Grif was leaving]
Wanna help me practice then?
Grif
24/7/15
Hi everyone!
Yes there is a test at the end of today’s seminar! Please Donut stick to yes or no answers! Any use of Bow chicka bow wow is an automatic firing Tucker!
Thanks
Simmons
[Note subtlety passed to Simmons at the end of the seminar]
Well that was awful. Wanna go get drunk and forget everything we just learnt?
Grif
[Note thrown at Grif when Sarge had his back turned]
Fuck yes. Meet you out the front in 10.
25/7/15
Hi everyone!
Congratulations! You all passed the seminar test! Please try to retain some of the information you have learnt!
Thanks
Simmons
[Note thrown at Simmons]
You didn’t actually mean what you said last night did you?
Grif
[Note passed to Grif]
I was drunk and stupid I’m sorry
Simmons
[Note handed to Simmons]
Don’t be
Hi everyone!
There is now a ban of painting offices! It is not personal freedom it is time wasting and inappropriate! Tucker it was unnecessary to ask Donut for a sequel to his previous works! Caboose trekked brown paint all over the office and now we have to pay the cleaners overtime which is coming directly out of your paychecks!
Thanks
Simmons
[3rd note passed to Church after the first two were scrunched up and tossed in the trash]
Do you think Simmons and Grif are fucking?
Tucker
[Note thrown at Church]
CHURCH ARE THEY FUCKING YES OR NO?
TUCKER
[Angrily scribbled note pelted at Tucker]
Why the fuck should I know? Why are you fucking passing notes? WHY ARE YOU FUCKING SIGNING THEM WHEN I KNOW IT’S YOU??
[Note passed to Donut because Church is a fucking stick in the mud]
Hey Grif and Simmons? Actually a thing or nah?
Tucker
[Note passed to Tucker, written in almost illegible cursive]
They’re either getting there or they’ve gotten there. Have you noticed during lunch break they both disappear off together?
Donut
[Note written in triplicate and passed around to Donut, Caboose, and Church]
I have a plan. Meet me in the staff room for more info in 15.
Tucker
29/7/15
Hi everyone!
Congratulations! Yesterday was our first day without an incident! Sarge called yesterday asking where the day’s incident reports were, I had the pleasure of saying we had none to give! You have all made me a happy man!
Thank you so much
Simmons
30/7/15
Hi everyone!
Two days in a row! I am so proud! This is everything I could have hoped for as a Human Resource Manager!
Thanks guys
Simmons
You are so sad.
Grif
31/7/15
Hi everyone!
An impromptu seminar has been called in the conference room at 2:00, it is entitled Appropriate Behaviour in the Workplace Take 2 or alternatively I Have a Boner for Paperwork… and Grif; The Life and Times of Simmons! I look forward to seeing you all there!
Thanks!
Tucker!
Nice
Grif