Chapter Text
“I’m pregnant”. Amanda blurted it out, then smiled softly across the desk at her boss. Silence filled Olivia Benson’s office for a few seconds as Liv’s surprised face stared back at Amanda. Liv actually suspected as much after watching Rollins uncharacteristically devour an entire plate of banana bread in one sitting, but she was shocked her detective admitted it so freely.
“Wow, Rollins…I mean after this summer…..after everything that’s happened…. The storm, what you went through”, Liv paused. Both women locked eyes. It seemed like forever ago, but really it had been less than two months.
“Amanda, you almost died. Well, I guess technically… you did”.
“That wasn’t just me”. Amanda reminded her, and suddenly, with the image of her partner in her head, Amanda’s stomach lurched at the thought of telling him she was pregnant. That was unexpected….Dominick Carisi had been her biggest supporter after Jesse was born….he was her safe space. Why would she immediately be breaking out in a sweat at the mere thought of saying those words to him.
“Believe me, I know” Liv took a deep breath, and stood. “I still can’t believe I almost lost both of you in one day”. She walked around to lean back on her desk right in front of Amanda.
“It’s just….it’s nice to hear some good news, ya know”? Liv gently touched Amanda’s arm, noticing the barest hint of something…. dark come over Amanda’s face.
“It is good news…..isn’t it”? Olivia worried maybe her detective wasn’t so happy about it.
Amanda nodded, but she wasn't so sure. Another unplanned pregnancy, with a man she didn’t love…hell, she wasn’t even sure she liked Al right now. They were basically broken up. And then there was this….unsettling feeling in her gut that she hadn’t been able to shake since she found out she was pregnant. Tears filled her eyes, even though Amanda was still smiling. .
Olivia managed to make her feel better, showing her that video of Jesse….unfair as it was, Amanda knew it in her heart…she was going to have this baby, even with all the….complications surrounding it.. She’d lived with plenty of regret in her life, and for a brief moment she did consider ending the pregnancy, she also knew that she’d considered that with Jesse too, and that girl was the best thing that had ever happened to her.
Later that day, sitting alone at her desk, Amanda was completely lost in thought.. It’s strange, when she realized she was pregnant with Jesse, she’d replayed that night with Declan Murphy a hundred times in her head. The night Jesse’d been conceived. There was no doubt. At the time, Declan was the only man she’d been with for months, and it was just that one quick time. That’s all it took……Back then, Amanda had obsessed over all the ways that night could’ve gone. Ways that wouldn’t have ended with her being pregnant. When he texted he’d be spending the night at the airport, she didn’t have to invite him to wait at her place.….Once he was there, she could’ve given him a pillow and a blanket for the sofa (how many times had she done that with Sonny) and just gone to bed. But, she didn’t. They’d polished off that bottle of whiskey she had hidden in the back of her pantry. If she weren’t so hurt over Amaro’s abrupt departure from her life…maybe it would’ve all played out so differently.
She could’ve easily stopped it when they realized neither one of them had a condom, but she didn’t. They were both completely hammered, and while her memory was a bit fuzzy, she replayed those moments between them over and over. She was amazed at how....quickly the whole thing happened. How they’d gone from laughing on her sofa, to his hand resting on her thigh, less than five minutes later, she was climbing off of him before both of them passed out.. The next morning both of them woke up hung over and full of regret. Or at least she did. They agreed it was a mistake they’d never repeat again.
This time…..this time her memory and the way things all played out… it wasn’t as simple. Amanda knew who it was, she hadn’t been with anyone but Dr. Al for a few months.
Since well before the storm.
She was pretty sure when this must’ve happened too.
Amanda was released from the hospital on a Thursday afternoon. Olivia was keeping Jesse, and Carisi had been discharged the day before…..although Sonny absolutely refused to leave the hospital until he knew for sure Amanda was okay. He’d even spent that Wednesday night in a chair next to her bed, ignoring the hundreds of calls and texts from his family, insisting he come stay in Staten Island with them. Amanda had woken up to his long legs kicked up on her bed. He was still asleep, his toes rubbing slowly against her thigh in a comforting, somewhat familiar way. He’d pulled them away from her quickly when he sensed her watching him, and opened his eyes. That morning when the doc finally gave her the all clear,, they had it all planned. Sonny offered to drive Amanda over to Liv’s to pick up Jesse. He’d take them both home, make some spaghetti for all three of them, and most likely end up with a blanket and pillow on her couch.
That was before Al showed up.
Amanda recalled the pained look on Carisi’s face when Al popped into her hospital room….Sonny was not good at hiding his disdain for the doctor at all ….but….in typical Carisi fashion, he didn’t put up a fight. Even shaking Al’s hand. Amanda knew he’d hated that. Sonny asked Amanda if she was okay with this, with letting Al take her back to his place instead.
Amanda knew Sonny’s family wanted to see him, and she knew she leaned on him way too much. So as much as the idea of going home with Sonny and Jesse appealed to her, she told him to go to Staten Island and let his family shower him with grateful affection after their ordeal. The look he gave her as she watched him back out of her room…..
Al was being so nice, Amanda thought maybe she’d been judging him too harshly lately. Nobody’s perfect. Amanda had made the conscious decision to go out with this man she wasn’t really attracted to, because she was trying to change….trying to go for the ‘nice guy’. Of course Al turned out to be less of a nice guy than he seemed.
Al offered to let her stay with him for a couple days, just to recover before she went back to being a full time detective, mom, and all around badass. He’d promised to pamper her the whole time. Massages, takeout, she wouldn’t need to lift a finger, and he was sure Olivia wouldn’t mind keeping Jesse and Frannie for another day or two (of course she wouldn’t, as a quick text discovered).
That. That right there was one of the biggest differences between a man like Dominick Carisi and one like Al Pollack. Not that Amanda should be comparing the two of them. Carisi was her partner, Al was…..well, boyfriend wasn’t exactly the right word, but close enough.
It seemed like even though Al professed to love kids, he was almost…. putting up with Jesse, because she was part of the package deal…while Carisi on the other hand….he loved Jesse. Adored that girl. It’s why he was her godfather. And Carisi knew Amanda would be missing her baby girl…..Which is why his idea of how to take care of Amanda was so different from Al’s. Sonny was offering her the best of both worlds. Letting her snuggle with Jesse while he took care of absolutely everything else for her.
Why Amanda thought she could settle for someone like Al versus finding herself someone like Sonny would take months….make that years of therapy to figure out.
It turned out Al’s idea of pampering her was basically to have her in his bed all weekend. The first night it did seem like he was just looking out for her. Gave her all her meds, changed the bandages (the wounds from the car’s shattered glass were still red and swollen on her neck and left arm), and even brought her dinner in bed while he let her watch the reality shows he hated.
The next day, however, began his expectation of getting something in return. Rather than asking her outright if she was really ready for this after everything she’d just been through….he woke her by spooning up behind her, no pretense of wanting to just be close. No, his hand grasped at her hip while his erection pressed hard and hot against her back. She’d pretended to stay asleep, but that only lasted for so long. She thought about telling him she really wasn’t in the mood for this, but knew the pleading would last longer than if she just gave in. So she did. He pushed into her, without spending any time really to make sure she was ready….
“Fuck, Amanda…..you feel so good”.....Urging him to finish quickly with faked moans and gasps as he thrusted, slamming into her erratically. His hot breath panted into her ear.
“You like it like this don’t you”. His hands groped at her breasts, and that was the moment she knew for sure. She was going to end it with Al. He was a doctor….did he really think a few nipple twists and his magic cock inside her was going to get the job done? The big question, did he even care if he did? Maybe that’s why he was seeing escorts. He was so down low selfish. On the outside he seemed like the perfect guy, and she was temporarily blinded by the elaborate dinners and gifts he showered her with. Now Amanda was just annoyed with herself for not seeing it sooner. Shit, the escorts. Amanda realized it, too late.
“You feel so fucking good Amanda…..I’m gonna…..I’m”......he trailed off as his body spasmed and he finished. It was just as he spilled into her that she thought, no condom. Selfish bastard. They’d been careful up to that point, especially after she took him back. His risky sexual activity demanded it. But she wasn’t used to taking pain meds, and she wasn’t thinking straight that morning. Surely that was the moment she’d conceived. The rest of the weekend of him “pampering” her, she’d enforced the condom rule.
In fact, she’d cut the weekend short on Saturday morning, telling him she really needed to get home to Jesse. Two nights with Dr. Al was enough. What she really wanted was to be at home on her couch, Jesse in her lap, Frannie curled around her feet, and if she was truly honest with herself…..Carisi sitting right next to her. She wished she’d taken him up on his offer and told Al right then and there that they were done.
So why wasn’t she replaying that scene over and over in her head? The night she knew this baby had to have been conceived. The same way she’d replayed her tryst with Declan Murphy? Granted, maybe it was the fact that she’d gotten some enjoyment out of her liaison with Murphy….This time she didn’t even have that. Maybe that’s why instead of replaying that moment with Al, her brain had been working in overdrive the last few days taking her into some very vivid sexual fantasy daydreams that had no basis in reality at all.
Amanda was staring at her computer screen, but that’s not what she was seeing. She shifted in her seat as she imagined lying in the back seat of a car, she swore she could actually feel the leather against her back, sticking to her bare skin as she rocked her hips over and over….one hand gripped the door handle behind her. The other hand was tangled in his hair. She didn’t have to fake the moans of pleasure, in fact she could barely control them.
“Don’t….. stop…..just…. like….Oh God”....
Amanda felt heat rising to her cheeks, oblivious to the police station around her, she let her mind go.
Pleasure pulsed through her core, like nothing she’d felt before. Her abdomen quivered in anticipation, she fought the urge to crush him between her legs as he edged her closer and closer to what was surely going to be the most mind-blowing orgasm she’d had in a very very long time.
Her cries of ecstasy just seemed to spur him on. This mystery man was relentless in his mission to make her come. He moved position slightly, this angel between her thighs, in order to free one hand from underneath her. His mouth was sheer perfection, his tongue teasing with the exact right amount of pressure that she felt all the way down to her toes. Her whole body was humming . When she thought she couldn’t possibly take any more, had to have him finally let her fall….no, dive over that edge, he sucked her pulsing bundle of nerves into his mouth, and delved two fingers deep into her - but then suddenly, cruelly she was pulled away from it…from him.
“Rollins”!
She finally blinked, her eyes watery, and saw Carisi was standing across their desks calling her name, with a strange look on his face.
Amanda startled, realizing she was seconds away from……what was that? A wet daydream?
“What”?! She snapped back, sounding annoyed. Her face and chest were flushed, and she could feel the heat. She wiped at her brow and lifted the hair off the back of her neck.
“You okay”? He asked, “I was callin your name for like twenty seconds. I brought you a coffee”. He motioned to the cup on her desk and finally sat down, but his eyes still looked worried.
“I’m fine Carisi”. She took a deep breath silently, blew her hair out of her face, then realized how curt she’d been with him.
“Sorry, just…I got a lotta.stuff on my mind”.
That was the first time it felt that real. At work anyway. She was pretty sure she’d dreamed that scenario more than once. She thought for sure it was just this pregnancy brain she’d heard other women talk about. It certainly hadn’t happened with Jesse, daydreaming about sex…sex like that? But they say every pregnancy is different.
That night when Amanda got home and after she put Jesse to bed, she decided she needed some real pampering. She got candles out, drew herself a nice hot bath, something she hardly ever did, turned out the lights in the bathroom and poured herself a glass of wine before she realized she can’t have that for eight more months and poured it out, getting a tall glass of sweet tea instead. Once she settled into the tub and relaxed, she let her mind drift back to the mystery man in the car.
It replayed in her mind nearly the same way it had earlier that day. Starting with him already between her thighs, this time she could picture one thigh over his shoulder, his arm wrapped tightly around it, holding her in place. His other hand was pushed up under her shirt this time, squeezing and kneading her breasts over the bra, then hearing her cries of pleasure, he roughly pulled the lace material out of his way. Palm grazing over her bare skin, thumb circling her hardened peak then lightly pinching enough to make Amanda arch her back, moaning expletives it felt so good. She was so close, her hips moving, shifting, desperate for more, but he held her in place, keeping her teetering right on the edge. Before she could say it, before she could tell him she couldn’t take it anymore, suddenly that hand was out from under her shirt.. Somehow this mystery man knew exactly what she needed. In this fantasy, Amanda gasped when he slipped one finger, then two inside her. Finally with his tongue no longer teasing, he stroked her clit directly, sucking her into his mouth while two fingers curled in her, he sent her flying off the edge.
The water in the tub sloshed, and she bit her lip to keep from crying out as the orgasm finally ripped through her. Amanda imagined she had this mystery man from her fantasy between her thighs instead of something that ran on batteries.
As her body slowly relaxed, she laughed to herself. If only that were actually the memory that went along with this baby’s conception. Now that would be epic…She took a sip of her sweet tea and cradled her still mostly flat belly. She thought about Dr. Al. They hadn’t really been seeing each other that long, but still… he’d never once gone down on her. That was a problem. Maybe explained his penchant for seeing escorts…..because he only wanted to do things to get himself off. And God knows she and Al had never had sex in a car, and if she really was honest with herself, any orgasm she’d had when they were together, was of her own making. So maybe, at least for the time being, she’d focus on this incredible fantasy….it was certainly more enjoyable than the reality.
And now, the plan to get Al Pollack out of her life for good was probably never going to happen since this baby would forever link them.