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I used to love lemons. I could eat anything with lemons. Like lemon meringue pie, lemon drizzle cake, lemon squares, just plain lemons, lemon curd, lemonade, risotto with too much lemon juice, and anything else with lemons. And it wasn’t just food. Lemon Meringue was my favorite Strawberry Shortcake character. It was safe to say, I was a big lemon fan.
Then, it happened.
It started as a normal day. Barbie had invited everyone to the Dreamhouse for a pool party. I had just been minding my own business, carrying a plate of lemons, wearing my favorite green swimming shorts and sneakers, for some reason, walking under the lemon trees Barbie let me plant in the backyard, when a lemon from one of the trees struck me in the head. I fell face down on the dirt. Then, someone turned off the lights, which was pretty weird.
The next thing I remember was just hearing voices.
“Do you think he’s dead?”
“Theresa, he’s literally moving.”
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s his ghost or something.”
“Ghost?! Where’s the ghost?!”
“Ghosts aren’t real, Midge.”
“Raquelle, Ken just fainted aren’t you worried?”
“Uh no. That would cause wrinkles.”
My entire body ached and I tried to open my eyes but it was too bright outside. My brain was still a little foggy, but I could hear people more clearly.
“Ken? Are you alright?” That was Barbie. I think.
“Bright.”
“What?”
“It’s too bright.”
“We need something to shade his eyes.”
“Ryan, I’m taking this.” That was Nikki.
“Hey!”
I heard some shuffling around, Ryan complaining, a “shut up Ryan,” and Ryan complaining even more.
“Ken, is that better?”
When I opened my eyes, I almost screamed. All I saw was Ryan's face. A quick glance around the scene told me they had used Ryan’s cardboard cutout to block the sun. He was staring deep into my soul. I had literally never been so scared in my entire life.
“Uh, yeah. Please get Ryan out of my face.”
They handed the cardboard cutout back to Ryan, who immediately started complimenting himself again. I sit up with the help of Barbie and slowly massage my temples to make the headache go away.
“I think drinking water might help,” Summer says. “Raquelle, could you get him some?.”
“And ruin my manicure?! Absolutely not.” Nikki just rolled her eyes and went to get me some water.
As I waited for the water, I began to look around, still trying to adjust my eyes to the brightness. And that’s when I saw it. A crushed lemon. I used to get sad when I saw a wasted lemon (“It just had so much potential to be something delicious, but now it’s just gone”), but I don’t feel anything when I see that lemon. I ponder the strangeness of my lack of empathy for the lemon as I drink the water Nikki brought me.
Throughout the following week, I slowly realize that I can no longer bear the sight of lemons, much less the taste. When Chelsea makes guacamole the way I like it, 2 avocados and 6 lemons, I couldn’t eat it without shuddering. The same thing happened when Theresa made lemon butter, when Midge made lemon custard magic cake, and when Barbie made broccolini with chickpeas and charred lemon salad. What is happening to me?!?!?!?!?!?!
The answer came a few days later when I had a nightmare about lemons murdering me. I woke up in a cold sweat, breathing heavily. This nightmare meant something, it had to. Realization struck me like the lemon that started this all. Lemons were trying to kill me. They betrayed me! I have only ever loved lemons and what did I get in return? Lemon assassins! Oh, the travesty! My only hate sprung from my only love. I can’t believe I now loathe a loved friend.
I began avoiding lemons. If someone mentioned a lemon or I saw one I would run away.
When Barbie asked if anyone wanted lemonade, I ran away. When Summer asked if I liked her new dress that was the color of lemons, I ran away. When Theresa asked me if I wanted to watch Strawberry Shortcake with her, I didn’t run away, but then I saw Lemon Meringue, so I ran away.
About a week and a half after the accident, all my I was summoned to the Dreamhouse’s living room. Everyone was all sitting on the couch with grave looking faces, even Ryan’s cardboard cutout looked concerned. Raquelle was the only exception, she was doing her nails, obviously. Barbie spoke first:
“Ken, we have called you here today because we’re all extremely worried about you.”
“Why are you worried?”
“Because you keep running away and yelling all the time. And you refuse to go to the backyard,” Nikki said.
“Not to mention, you haven’t been taking care of the lemon trees,” Theresa adds.
My friends are concerned for me. It’s very sweet and I'm touched, so I decide to tell them the truth.
“Ever since I fainted, I have been terrified of lemons.” There was a collective gasp around the room.
“Ken, do you have acerophobia?” Barbie asked. All of us turned to look at her with extremely confused looks. “What?”
“What in the world is acerophobia?” Midge wondered
“It’s the fear of sourness.”
“Why do you know that?”
“My 123rd job was a psychologist. I’m sure if I asked, Closet would find the outfit I used to wear for me.”
“No!” We all said at once. No one but Barbie ever wanted to deal with Closet.
“Jeez.”
“Anyways,” Theresa said, “why are scared of lemons now?”
“They’re trying to kill me, that’s why.”
Raquelle sets her nail polish down and raises her eyebrow at him. “Ken, you idiot, lemons are inanimate objects, how would they be trying to kill you?”
“A lemon fell on my head and I passed out. It was a really healthy lemon tree. What are the chances it would just fall on my head as I was carrying a plate of lemons?”
“I’m sorry you think lemons are trying to kill you because one fell on your head?”
“Duh, what else would have happened?”
“Uh,” Summer interrupted, “I ran into the tree by accident and jostled the tree causing a lemon to fall on your head.”
“Is that what happened?”
Summer looks guiltily nodded.
“Oh. I guess there’s no reason to be afraid of lemons anymore.”
“Just like that?”
“Yeah, I mean I was scared because I thought they were trying to kill me, but since they’re not I guess I love them again.”
Everyone except Barbie just shrugged and went to the kitchen.
“There’s a spot open in the backyard. Want to plant another lemon tree?”
“Hell yes!”
As I waited for dinner, an easy spinach, feta, and lemon filo pie with a side of roasted brussel sprouts with lemons and a no-bake Lattice lemon cheesecake slice, I planted another lemon tree.