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Amanda had been seeing Dr. Hanover twice a week since she drew her weapon in the girls room. She knew she was struggling, but could no longer ignore it after that incident. She setup the appointment the next day and finally got serious about getting the help she needed.
A few weeks later, at the end of her session, Dr. Hanover said, “Amanda, I just want to say that I’m really impressed with your progress and the commitment you’ve made to healing yourself.” Amanda smiled as she collected her things and replied, “Thank you, I’m starting to feel more like myself again.”
As she walked toward the door, Dr. Hanover stopped her with a question. “Is Dominick still driving you to your appointments?” Amanda laughed, “Yes, he’s out there waiting for me.”
“That’s really nice, it must feel good to know someone cares about you that much.”
“It does, he’s pretty amazing. I’m lucky to have him.”
Dr. Hanover asked, “How do you think he would feel about joining us for the next session, at least part of it?”
“I’m sure he’d be fine with it, but why?”
“As he’s been your primary caregiver since the shooting, I’m just curious to hear his perspective on your recovery. Plus, it might be helpful to hear how he is handling everything. You know, he experienced a trauma too.” Amanda hadn’t really considered that, until now. She left the session and confirmed that he would be with her for the next visit.
Dominick was waiting outside when he saw Amanda come out. He walked to her side and guided her to the passenger side. Once in the car, he leaned across for a kiss and to reach for her hand. “How was your appointment,” he asked as he started out onto the street. “It was good,” she responded, “She thinks I’m making a lot of progress.” Dominick smiled and looked at her, “That’s great, I’m really proud of you.” Amanda squeezed his hand tighter, knowing that he was a big part of her recovery.
After a moment, Amanda said, “There is one thing that came up.” She paused as he looked her way, “She asked if you would be willing to join is for my next session.” Without hesitation, Dominick replied, “Of course, anything you need. As long as you’re ok with it.” Amanda just smiled, “Thank you Dominick, for everything. I love you.” Dominick brought her hand up to his lips, giving a soft kiss, “I love you too.”
A few days later it was time for their appointment. Dominick drove her, like always, and accompanied her to the door. Before they could ring the bell, Dr. Hanover opened the door. “Amanda, nice to see you, this must be Dominick.” She extended her hand and guided them into the room. They got settled on the couch as the doctor grabbed her notebook. Dominick was a little nervous, looking around the room, but quickly settled when Amanda put her hand on his knee.
Dr. Hanover started by welcoming them both and thanking Dominick for his willingness to attend. He responded by thanking her for everything she’s done to help Amanda. “To begin,” the doctor started, “I’ve asked you here today to get your feelings and perspective on Amanda’s recovery. You have been her main caregiver and have seen it all, good and bad. How do you feel she’s progressing?”
Thoughtfully, Dominick responded, “Now, she’s amazing. The first couple of months were rough…she was still healing physically, so processing what happened actually came later. I knew she was having a hard time, but she also wasn’t telling me everything. I did my best to be there and help her, however she needed, but I also didn’t want to push. Once she went back to work, it was very clear that she wasn’t doing as well as she let on.”
“How so?” Dr. Hanover questioned.
“She wasn’t as focused or patient as before. She also wasn’t attending her mandated therapy. Then there was the incident with the girls…”
“Yes, I heard about that.”
“Right, so after that I decided to take a more active role in helping her, whether she wanted me to or not.”
“And why was that?” She asked.
“It felt like I could see her slipping away from us,” he said. “I realized that she needed help to bring her back. It felt like a turning point and I wasn’t willing to lose her.”
Dominick looked at Amanda, who was quietly listening. She gave him a look that showed him how grateful she was for him and that she knew why he stepped in when he did. Dr. Hanover agreed that his intervention, when it happened, was likely the best thing that could’ve happened for her. That in her state, at that time, Amanda needed his strength and encouragement to get her through the worst time in her life. The doctor explained that without him, Amanda would likely be in a much worse situation today.
Dominick became emotional and nodded in appreciation for her kind words. Amanda placed her hand on his back to calm him and show thanks for everything he’d done. Dr. Hanover turned her attention to Amanda and asked, “How do you feel about everything we’ve discussed so far?”
Amanda responded, “Before the closet incident, I thought I was getting better. I didn’t feel I needed the mandated therapy, but I was clearly wrong. I’ve never been one to ask for help, but when Dominick stepped in, honestly, I was relieved. I was exhausted, spiraling. I knew I needed help, but I wouldn’t have accepted it from anyone but him.” Amanda looked at Dominick and shifted to face him directly, “Dominick, I know it wasn’t easy for you to do, but I’m so glad you did. I have come to rely on you, so much, and you’re the only one I trust to care for me the way you did. Like you do, everyday.” Dominick put his arm around Amanda and pulled her into his embrace. He finally felt like she was starting to come back to herself, an even stronger version, if that was possible.
Dr. Hanover was ready to move to the next topic she wanted to discuss with Dominick. She sat back and asked him a question he wasn’t prepared for, something he hadn’t discussed with anyone, including Amanda. “So, Dominick,” she started, “We’ve talked about Amanda’s trauma and recovery process, but I’m also curious about your experience. Could you tell me what you went through that day?” Dominick hadn’t expected that. He had been so focused on Amanda and getting her well, that he hadn’t even considered that he had experienced a trauma as well. It felt selfish, considering what she had been through. He looked toward Amanda, as if he were asking if it was ok to answer. She nodded and gave him a look encouraging him to respond. It was a day he never wanted to think about again, but if it could help her, of course he would do it. He took a deep breath, sat forward and started to recount the worst day of his life.
“I was at work,” he started, “And Liv called. We talk all the time, so I didn’t assume anything was wrong. There was a tremble in her voice when I answered and I knew immediately that it was bad. She didn’t know Amanda’s condition because she was still on her way to the scene. She gave me the address and I just ran out of my office. When I finally got to my car, I froze. It was like I forgot how to move. My head was spinning and I just sat there staring at the wheel, not knowing what to do. I was panicking. I finally reached the scene, but I have no idea how. I don’t remember the drive, traffic or any of it. I only remember running to Liv and asking her where Amanda was. She could only tell me that she was on her way to the hospital.” He took a moment to breathe and Dr. Hanover encouraged him to continue.
Dominick leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. He continued, “When I got to the hospital and found out she was in surgery, I just collapsed. It was hours before I got any update on her condition. I’ve never been that scared.” Amanda moved closer to his side and wrapped her arms around his waist. She laid her head on his arm and tried to comfort him as he continued. He looked her way and said, “There was almost an hour where I thought I had lost you.” Suddenly, the weight of the situation hit him and he began sobbing into his hands. Until now, he had tried to keep his pain private, to be strong for her. He didn’t realize that knowing what he went through and how he felt that day were a part of healing that she needed to experience. To see how the possibility of losing her affected the people she loved the most.
Amanda turned to Dominick and held him as tight as she could. It was painful to see him like that, but now she realized that he needed the same care and support that he had been giving to her. Amanda looked into his eyes and it broke her heart. She wiped his tears as he calmed and said, “I’m so sorry that I didn’t realize the pain you were in. You have been so strong for our family and I love you so much. We’re going to get through this together.” Dominick nodded his head and held her closer.
Dr. Hanover gave them a moment and thanked them for their honesty. She was still curious about one thing, so she asked Dominick, “Do you find that you still feel worried or panicked now that Amanda is back at work?” He replied quickly, “Honestly, I’m terrified. Every morning when we say goodbye, each time my phone rings, I have a split second where my heart stops and I can’t breathe.” Turning to Amanda, “I am so scared of losing you, eventually I hope I’ll worry less, but it’s just too fresh right now. You are still in danger everyday. I just wish there was a way I could protect you. I can’t live without you, I don’t want to. I love our little family, that’s all that matters.”
Amanda was very moved by what he said. Dr. Hanover asked her, “How do you feel about what Dominick just said?” Steadying herself, Amanda responded, “I feel… like maybe its time to move on from SVU. This was a really close call. How can I keep doing this job knowing how much it’s hurting the person I love the most? It’s not worth the risk, there is too much for us to lose.” Dominick interjected, “I can’t ask you to do that.” Amanda grabbed his hands and said, “But you’re not asking, this is my choice. I know you would never do that. Dominick, you are the best man I’ve ever known. There was a time when my job was my life, but everything is different now. All I want is to come home safe to you and the girls each night.”
Dominick smiled and felt a sense of relief, knowing at some point, possibly very soon, this nightmare would finally end. He would always worry about his girls, but in this new reality, he hoped it would be in a less consuming manner. He was so proud of Amanda and excited to start this new chapter of their lives together.
Dr. Hanover ended the session feeling optimistic about Amanda’s well-being. In her profession, she didn’t see many couples as loving and supportive as Amanda and Dominick. For the first time, she was very confident that her once troubled patient would be just fine.