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“It feels as if…as if the last millennia was a waste. I spent so long, abandoned so much, and all I did was aid in Sauron’s return.”
Galadriel hadn’t been able to keep the truth from Elrond for long. Partly because of her own guilt, partly because he had persistently passive-aggressively inquired over Halbrand until she realised she could no longer lie to him, lest it break the already delicate thread their friendship hung on. So she told him. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Elrond took a deep breath, obviously stunned by the revelation. “Our great enemy is returned…'' he shook his head, and cast a sympathetic gaze towards Galadriel, “Do not despair, Galadriel. He fooled all of us. Me, Celebrimbor… he is the master of disguise and defeat. Even you are not immune to that.”
Galadriel let out a hollow laugh, “I let him deceive me. I was so single minded, so focused on my enemy that I could not see him beside me. It was my obsession with Sauron that consumed my mind. That is my failure.”
“Well, if there is one bright side, you know that Sauron is indeed back. So your efforts weren’t in vain.”
“Was it worth it though?” said Galadriel angrily, “Was it worth all the soldiers that died in my service? Was it worth tormenting myself for years with these fears? Was it worth abandoning my own-” she stopped herself. This was a secret she hadn’t even told Elrond, so deep was her shame.
Unfortunately Elrond, ever observant, had caught her meaning. “Your own… what, Galadriel?”
Galadriel couldn’t meet Elrond’s eyes. “Do you… remember when you lived in Sirion?”
Elrond grimaced. He had been so young when Sirion was destroyed, he barely had any memories of that place. “Only a few scattered memories.”
“Do you remember a young Elvish girl you played with?”
Elrond thought hard. There had been many children in Sirion, but most had been of the race of Men. Elves were not known for having children during times of war, and those days were the most desperate of times. But he did remember one Elvish girl, the same age as him. She had bright eyes and long silver hair with hints of gold.
“Your daughter…” Elrond looked at Galadriel in shock. “You have a daughter!” He shook his head in disbelief, “Does… does anyone else know?”
Galadriel looked away in shame “The High King, and Celebrimbor. Some others who were present when she was born.” She closed her eyes, “That was a year after Celeborn went off to war. A year after he… vanished without a trace. I…” Galadriel gulped, realising how useless her excuses sounded now, “After the war, I sent her to live in Lothlórien , under the care of Celeborn’s brother Amroth. I needed to chase after Sauron, and… find Celeborn. Or at least find out what had happened to him.”
There was a long silence. Eventually, Elrond spoke, his eyes dark, “Did you keep in contact with her?”
“I…” Galadriel felt more ashamed than ever, “I sent her letters.. And I tried to visit when I could… but…” she couldn’t lie any more, “It has been several centuries since I had spoken to her.”
Elrond didn’t look at her. Galadriel could see though that he was trembling with suppressed rage.
“You should go see her. Now.”
Galadriel said nothing. She simply turned away, and left Eregion.
-0-
Even though she had been here many times, Lothlórien ’s boughs still amazed Galadriel. It felt both new and eternal, winter and spring, all at the same time.
It was a pity then, that her arrival was met by such hostility.
“Prince Amroth will be surprised at your arrival,” said the guard, “Surprised, and disappointed. It has been a long time since Galadriel of the Noldor has graced us with her presence.”
Galadriel bowed, bristling at the disrespect but batting it down for the sake of courtesy, “Many matters of great importance kept me away from here. But I have returned,” she straightened up, “I wish to speak to Prince Amroth. Is he available?”
The guard met her with a steely look, then nodded, “I will enquire.”
They left her waiting for a long time. Galadriel wondered if he would even see her. She wouldn’t be surprised if he refused her. Their last conversation had been… heated.
Eventually after some time had passed the guard returned. “Follow me.”
She followed through the winding paths up through the tree, trying to avoid the stares of the other wood-elves who were surprised to see her visiting after so long. She wondered how much they all knew about her and Celebrían. Did they judge her? Did they pity Celebrían? Or worse, did they mock her? Galadriel felt a simmering rage rise at the thought of anyone disrespecting her precious daughter, but then stopped herself. What right did she have to take ownership of Celebrían when she had neglected her so thoroughly?
“Your majesty, the Lady Galadriel,”
Galadriel looked up. They had reached the throne room. Standing before her was Prince Amroth.
He looked so much like his brother she could weep.
“Lady Galadriel. I had thought never to see you again here.”
The venom in Amroth’s voice was so strong it stung. Galadriel curtsied. “My task had led me to far away lands and through many trials. But it is over now, and it is time for me to return.” She gulped, “To my family.”
Amroth fixed her with such a look of derision that for a moment she thought he’d have her thrown from his halls. “Your family? What arrogance, to make claim to that which you abandoned. It is you who came here nearly a millennia ago with a young elfling, asking me to look after her for a short while. It was a task I took on gladly, as my brother was unable to do it himself, and I knew he would have delighted in being a father. It is a shame then, that his wife took no delight in being a mother.”
“That’s not true!” said Galadriel in a sudden outburst, “I had a task to complete! I had to find out what had become of Celeborn, and to track down Sauron and avenge my kin and all other elves who had suffered at his hand! It was not a task I delighted in!”
“Do not lie to me in my own halls, Galadriel!” Amroth almost shouted, “Many a time I sent messages to you, from me and from your daughter, asking when you would accept your task was over, and every time you refused!” Suddenly his face twisted in pain, “I wanted Celeborn to be alive as much as you, but it was obvious that he was dead. Sauron too was nowhere to be found. I do not believe you to be such a fool that you did not realise that as well. Yet you persisted, because you found that quest more comforting than facing your responsibilities as a mother. It is obvious that after such long years of war the thought of peace repels you.”
“That’s not… it’s not true.” It was true. Not in the way Amroth spoke it. She did desire to be a mother. She did desire to spend time with her daughter. To teach her dancing, singing, horse riding, swordplay. She desired all of this.
She desired it with Celeborn at her side.
But that had been denied to her. Denied to her by the machinations of Sauron. She had hoped that by finding and destroying Sauron she would have her revenge, and her peace. But that wasn’t all it was. Amroth was right. She had buried herself in her vengeance because she could not bear to look at Celebrían and think of what she couldn’t have.
Galadriel looked down in shame. “I… I am sorry. For my negligence. For allowing myself to be consumed by darkness.”
Amroth snorted, “It’s not I who needs that apology.”
Galadriel looked up, “May… May I see her?”
Amroth shook his head, “Whether you can see her is not the question. It is whether she wants to see you.”
-0-
Galadriel was left waiting for a long time. Many moments she thought of leaving, thinking that Celebrían wanted nothing to do with her. But she stayed resolute. If she was going to earn her daughter’s forgiveness, she needed to show the same resolution she showed when pursuing Sauron. So she waited. And waited. And waited. For days and nights she waited.
On the fifth day, Celebrían came.
Galadriel heard her footsteps first. She looked up. Standing at the edge of the clearing Celebrían stood. She still looked so young despite her thousand years on Middle Earth. Her eyes sparkled with the light of Valinor just as Galadriel’s did, but the rest of her looks were all her father’s, right down to her long silver hair.
Galadriel felt her eyes fill with tears. This is what she’d been missing all these years?
“Celebrían-”
“So where is it?” said Celebrían sharply. She had a look of disdain so similar to Amroth’s. So similar to the way all Elves seemed to look at her now.
“What?” Galadriel said with surprise, “What are you talking about?”
Celebrían rolled her eyes, “Last time we spoke you told me you would not return until you had taken Sauron’s head. So where is it? That must be why you’re here, correct? You’ve found Sauron, killed him, and now Evil is defeated forever and the world is perfect!”
Galadriel was once again lost for words. She remembered their last conversation. It hadn’t been here. It had been far to the South, in some Valar-forsaken ruin built by Morgoth. Galadriel had spent centuries searching every corner of Middle Earth for Sauron, to no avail. Whenever she returned to Eriador she didn’t stay for long, and rarely visited Celebrían. She told herself it was because she was in a hurry, but she knew better. Celebrían certainly knew better as well. That was once, when Galadriel had been gone for a long time, she set out to find her mother herself. And after years of searching, she did.
Galadriel still remembered the tears in her daughter's eyes. Her begging, pleading for her to give up on her quest and come home.
“Is it that painful for you look at me, mother?!”
Galadriel hadn’t been able to answer her then. Instead she had repeated the importance of her quest, of finding Sauron, of avenging Celeborn and Finrod and so many others. But Celebrían wasn’t having it. Not anymore.
“Fine then! If Sauron is more important to you than me, then I don’t want to see you until you’ve killed him!”
Galadriel had assured her that it would be soon that she could fulfil that promise.She would return to Lothlórien with Sauron’s head, and all would be well.
That was five hundred years ago.
Galadriel stood up, towering over her daughter yet meeting her eyes anyway. “I found Sauron. But I could not defeat him.”
For a long moment, Celebrían was shocked, her bright eyes wide and disbelieving. Then she realised her mother was telling the truth.
Then she burst out laughing.
“Of course!” she giggled, “Of course! You never did think of what would happen when you found him, did you? Only Luthien herself could drive him away, and you’re nothing compared to her!”
The old Galadriel would have got angry at this and reprimanded her daughter for her disrespect. But Celebrían was right. Sauron had made a complete fool of her, strung her along at every moment, and defeated her utterly. And it was all thanks to her own arrogance, her own single mindedness. Of course she never stood a chance. No wonder everyone else abandoned her, they saw what she could not.
She was a fool. Had always been a fool.
She heard Celebrían’s laughter die off. Then her speaking quietly, “Mother?” Galadriel looked up. Celebrían looked worried. And ashamed. “Mother I-I’m sorry for laughing. That wasn’t… that wasn’t right of me.”
Galadriel shook her head, “You have nothing to be ashamed of. I am the one who should be ashamed. I ignored the counsel of those wiser than me, and the kindness of those who loved me.” She looked directly at her daughter, “And my greatest sin is ignoring the pain of those who needed me the most. I am sorry, Celebrían. I am sorry I left you.”
Celebrían’s eyes welled up with tears, which she tried to wipe away to no avail. “I won’t accept your apology. You’re only saying this now because you lost. You should have come back a long time ago.”
“I know,” said Galadriel, “I know you have no reason to forgive me. And I won’t ask you to. I only ask you to let me stay here. With you. Let me mend this hurt.”
“Mend…” Celebrían shook her head, “How can you mend the hurt that you created? Father was already gone before I was born! I only had you! And you left! And at least Father has an excuse, he’s dead! You were alive but you couldn’t look at me! Even now you look at me with such pain in your eyes!”
“I know,” said Galadriel, and she realised she was crying too, “I wish I didn’t. But I loved your father, more than anything. When he didn’t return… All I could think about was getting him back. And when I realised that would never happen… I couldn’t accept it. I couldn’t… move on. And since you came from him… you were a living reminder of what I lost. It wasn’t your fault. I wasn’t fair to you.” She went to her knees before her daughter. “I can’t promise you that these feelings will pass quickly. I can’t promise you that I can look upon you without feeling pain. But after so long… I want to try. Do you…” she looked up at Celebrían, “Do you want me to try?”
Celebrían looked at her for a long time. Galadriel could see the thoughts behind her eyes. Hope, but also fear. The kneejerk desire to reject her, a desire Galadriel knew all too well. She wouldn’t blame her if she did.
Finally, Celebrían spoke, “Of course I want you to try. I want to try. But you have to promise me Mother, you won’t go running off after Sauron again. Swear an oath that you’ll stay here as long as I wish you to.”
Galadriel hesitated. Sauron was still out there. He would be putting his plans into motion right now. She needed to move against him.
But…
She looked up at Celebrían’s tearful face. It was the same face she made when she left her as a little child a millennia ago.
She needed to fight Sauron. But her daughter needed her more.
Galadriel smiled, as gently as she could. “I swear.”