Archive of Our Own

There were names for people who dressed like that, Vimes thought. Only some very pointed dinner table discussions with Sybil kept his from being one of them.

There were also names for people who dressed like that and tried to fool wizards with Headological Paper. Croaky the Frog leapt to mind.

"But how do you get the imps to stay crouched down for so long?" one wizard was asking the fop. If the skinnier wizards dressed in brown and forwent the Hogswatch decorations, they'd look like him. Vimes decided not to suggest this.

"If we could feed this to Hex-" another was saying, as a third interrupted with "Eureka!"

Even the fop ducked.

===

Mickey knocked back another drink, slamming the glass down on the bar. "It's like they don't even think I'm human," he said.

"Ook," replied the figure on one side of him, pressing another drink into his hand with a sympathetic smile.

"No, it's worse." He paused, taking a gulp from his suddenly half-empty glass. "It's like I am human, but that just means I'm boring."

The figure on the other side of him nodded slowly. "TELL ME ABOUT IT."

===

Leonard of Quirm scribbled a note to himself between a quick sketch of a bird in flight and the schematics for a potential source of cheap, limitless energy*. "?tasF dnA raF yreV gnivoM roF eciveD a dellac si ti spahreP. Ecaps ni snoisnemid evitaler dna emit hguorht slevarT"

*Or a toaster. He hadn't quite decided which yet.

===

"Don't you ever feel lonely, Doctor?" Mr Slant asked, peering at the fop over his defunct glasses.

Vimes shot a glance at the man, who was looking considerably worse for the wine Downy and Slant had been pouring into him all evening. If he started crying, Vimes considered himself duty bound to make a mercy killing.

"No." The man shut his mouth with a snap. His lip quivered like Nobby's after a particularly harrowing grandmother's funeral.

Only the memory of Sybil's very firm request that her cousin - she'd hesitated over the word, which Vimes took to mean Vetinari had put her up to this - be treated like family - she'd hesitated over that word, too, but Vimes had met her family - kept him from rolling his eyes.

===

The girl grinned at Cheri, practically bouncing on the spot. "This is so cool!" she said, looking at the icongraph with delight.

"We keep them quite warm, actually," Cheri said, trying to be helpful. If she was really lucky, perhaps the girl would show her how she got her hair like that. She wasn't sure it would work with the beard, but she was always open to new styles. "The imps think faster the warmer they are. Commander Vimes always says if we could crossbreed them with the trolls, we'd-" She paused. Not everyone appreciated what Angua called Commander Vimes' colourful sense of humour.

The girl didn't seem to have noticed. She was beaming at Cheri, eyes wide with glee. "Trolls?"

===

"If you'll excuse us, Commander?" Vetinari said, smiling like the shark all the other sharks avoided.

Vimes saluted the closed door. Then he sat down and waited for the tell-tale snick as seventeen layers of soundproofing (that he knew of) were removed to allow the words "understand", "so alone" and "by my side" to float through to the antechamber.

=End=

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