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This thing between Javi and Steve is a mess, any way you look at it. Making his way into the bedroom – his bedroom, on paper, their bedroom, in reality – Steve’s mouth hot against his own, Steve’s hands working the buttons on his shirt, Javi doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of it.
It’s a mess. It started explosively, rushed handjobs traded in a back alley when the stress of it all - the narcos, the divorce, the tension that’s been brewing between them since their very first interaction - when all of it became too much and Steve had slammed Javi against a wall and Javi had kissed him for it.
It started with a bang and then it settled into a tentative, breakable mess between them.
It started all at once and it evolved so slowly Javi almost missed it. Quick and dirty in the back alley became quick and dirty in Javi’s bedroom became something else entirely.
And now, over the months, they’ve settled into a careful routine where Steve opens him up, nice and slow – because Steve knows him too well, by now, has him figured out in his entirety, and knows that Javi is gentle and patient with everyone but himself – and fucks him until they both forget whatever they were trying to forget that day.
It’s a horribly vulnerable situation they’ve built. It feels a little like walking on a tightrope, but not enough for Javi to actually put a stop to it. Because it’s good, is the thing. It’s so good, and it feels like any wrong step, any wrong suggestion will make it crumble all around him.
There are topics they both tip-toe around, like how Javi never fucks Steve, or how Steve hasn’t been in his own apartment, the one he used to share with Connie, in weeks now. How Javi’s closet is slowly filling with Steve’s clothes, or how Steve always makes sure to keep Javi’s favorite brand of cigarettes on him, because Javi tends to forget his own pack on his desk.
Steve makes a little noise against Javi’s lips, and finally manages to push Javi’s shirt off his shoulders, effectively ripping Javi from his thoughts. This – Steve pulling away just enough for Javi to see his triumphant grin as he runs his hands across Javi’s now naked ribs – is enough to make the tightrope walk worth it any day. His face is a little flushed, his hair a little messy, and he’s worth it.
He’s worth it all. Javi wants to tell him, but doesn’t. Instead, he brings a hand to the back of Steve’s neck and pulls him back in. This time, the kiss is a little slower, the heat gone for the moment, replaced with something warm and sweet. For a second, Javi remembers the first time he kissed Steve, and how he never thought he’d be allowed this.
First, he thought it would stay a one-time thing, and when it didn’t, he thought it would always stay rough and messy, something to take the edge off. When it didn’t, when it became something softer, gentler, mixed with the everyday domesticity of living together- Javi still isn’t used to this being something he can just have.
Steve’s hands settle on his hips, pushing gently to guide him towards the bed, and Javi smiles a little against his lips in return. He moves his hands down to the collar of Steve’s shirt, starts down the buttons as he takes the first step backwards. Steve follows.
They’d both know the way blind by now, have done this often enough, but Steve still pulls away from the kiss to peer over Javi’s shoulder, to make sure he won’t trip over anything. It’s sweet, and it makes Javi want to kiss him again, but he doesn’t. Instead, he focuses on finally getting Steve’s shirt off him as he takes the few steps it takes to cross their bedroom blind, guided by Steve. The piece of fabric falls to the floor just as the back of Javi’s knees meet the edge of the bed, and he lets himself fall into it, sitting down as Steve towers over him.
Steve’s hard, has been since before they ever made it to the bedroom, and now, the bulge in his pants is perfectly in Javi’s line of sight. He grins up at Steve’s flushed face, and puts his hand to it. He keeps his touch light, barely there, but Steve still groans in response to it and settles his own hand in Javi’s hair. Putting a little more pressure on the area, he makes a practiced little movement with his thumb, and above him, Steve’s eyes fall shut.
“Javi,” he groans, and pulls on Javi’s hair, just barely.
Javi chuckles, but moves his hands up a little to start on the fly anyway. Steve’s close enough that Javi can just lean forward to press a kiss to his bare stomach, and that’s exactly what he does as he opens the button of his pants, and then another as he works the fly down. When Javi stays like that, face buried in Steve’s stomach, pressing kisses into his skin, Steve makes a little humming noise, and pulls him away by his hair, terribly gentle.
For a second, they catch each other’s eye, and Steve smiles. Javi, stupidly, thinks he loves him.
Partly to distract himself from the thought, he moves his hands to the waistband of Steve’s pants, and pulls. Finally, finally, Steve’s pants hit the floor, his underwear following close behind, and Steve steps out of them, and then the only piece of clothing between them are Javi’s own terribly tight pants.
This whole moment is sweet, and soft, and Javi loves it, but Javi’s also just as hard as Steve, so he reaches for Steve’s free hand and pulls, the invitation clear.
“C’mon, baby,” he says, as if Steve needs any encouragement.
Steve above him nods his head, and Javi scoots back on the bed so Steve can follow, and he does. He always does. Steve pushes him into the covers, settles over him, and finally their mouths find each other again. Javi’s still painfully hard in his pants, but for the moment, this is enough. Steve’s tongue against his, Steve’s hand moving down his chest, Steve’s hair between his fingers.
His hair is short and eye-catchingly bright, so different from any of Javi’s girls, and Javi loves it. Steve’s not the first man Javi has fucked, but lying there, Steve above him, taking his sweet time as he reaches for Javi’s pants, Javi is starting to think he might be the last.
It’s a terribly sentimental thought. Steve isn’t his boyfriend, Javi knows that. They haven’t talked about this, ever, and they won’t. This isn’t forever. One day, their job in Colombia will be done, and they’ll go home, and that will be it. That’s assuming both of them will make it out of Colombia in one piece.
Steve isn’t his boyfriend, and he sure as hell won’t ever be his husband – for more reason than one – but for now, Javi gets to tangle his fingers in Steve’s hair and kiss him sweet and slow like he is, and so he does. Steve, for his part, kisses back just as sweet. He’s propped over Javi with one arm holding him up, his free hand roaming Javi’s naked stomach, and just kisses back, like for a second he’s forgotten the heat pooling in his stomach.
It's sweet and soft, and then Steve’s hand finally finds the button on Javi’s pants, and as he clumsily fiddles with it with his one free hand, he brushes across Javi’s erection, just barely, and all of a sudden Javi is reminded that they’ve really been taking their time, and should hurry this along.
Steve keeps fumbling with the button, clearly struggling but not quite willing to pull away from Javi’s mouth, until he brushes across the front of Javi’s pants again, and Javi groans against his mouth. Steve pulls away a little to chuckle, and then he looks down to see what he’s doing. Javi’s gaze follows almost instinctively, and his heartbeat picks back up. For a second, he can’t quite believe he got this distracted when Steve was naked above him, cock hard, and trying to get Javi out of his pants.
Steve finally manages to pop the button, and as Javi watches, he pulls down the fly, and then Javi has to close his eyes, because Steve reaches down to pull his cock out of his pants, and Javi is embarrassingly sensitive after all the time it took for them to get to this point. Steve’s hand on his cock is big, and too dry, and good. He runs his thumb across the slit, because he knows it drives Javi insane, and then he keeps doing it until Javi’s eyes fly open again, face flushed and breathing heavy.
Above him, Steve is watching with a small smile, and finally stops to settle into a slower, gentler pace. “There you are,” he says, voice terribly soft, and Javi forgets how to breathe.
(He never thought he’d get to have this. How can this be something he just gets to have?)
“Fuck,” Javi responds, because fuck.
Steve chuckles. His hand leaves Javi’s cock, and Javi makes an embarrassing little noise in response to that, but then Steve brings his hand up to his mouth and licks a long stipe across it, and Javi is effectively distracted from the loss of contact. His hand moves back down, Javi’s eyes following the movement as Steve moves to line up his own cock with Javi’s, and then takes them both in his hand. The slide is easier now, and the picture that they make alone is enough to drive Javi a little insane.
It's good. The friction of Steve moving a little to fuck into his own hand right against Javi is so good, but it’s not quite what Javi was hoping for when they first made their way into their bedroom.
“Steve,” Javi starts, voice more breathless than he cares for.
Steve above him catches his eye without stopping the movement of his hand. “You want more?” he asks, because he knows Javi too well for comfort by now.
Javi nods, and Steve leans down to press a kiss into his cheek, which is terribly sweet, considering he still has his hand on Javi’s cock. “Me too,” he says, right against Javi’s skin.
They’ve done this before, they’ve done every step of this dance so often Javi has lost count, but the way Steve’s voice is just a little rougher than usual still does something to Javi’s insides. It’s ridiculous. Javi doesn’t think it’ll ever stop.
To distract himself from his own beating heart, Javi stretches his arm blindly in the direction of his bedside table. Fumbling with the handle of the drawer is more awkward than it should be, considering Javi knows this place by heart, but Steve’s continuous movement against him is terribly distracting. It takes an embarrassingly long second – Steve’s hand picks up it’s pace a little, and Steve makes a low sound in the back of his throat in response to that and Javi forgets what he was doing for a long second – but finally, his hand closes around what he was looking for.
The little bottle of lube. Javi can see Steve’s eyes focus on it, and then his hand stops between them. Steve’s eyes flit from the bottle to Javi’s face, back to the bottle, and Javi grins in response to his visible interest. He moves to press the little thing into Steve’s free hand, because Steve likes to be the one to prepare him.
(It’s sweet, somehow, and at the same time overwhelming. Steve cares. Steve wants it to be good for Javi, Steve wants to take his time.)
“Javi,” Steve interrupts Javi’s thoughts, and for one horrible second Javi thinks he’s made an error, interpreted this wrong. Then, Steve’s face above him fully registers, the way he avoids his eyes, the way his ears are just a little red.
He’s nervous.
“I wanna try.”
“Try?”
“I want to know what it feels like,” Steve admits. “I want you to-“
He struggles with the words, but Javi understands anyway. “Oh,” he says dumbly, and then, “Are you sure?”
Steve nods, though the look on his face makes it seem like he’s mostly trying to convince himself. “Okay,” Javi says, because he doesn’t know what else to say. The thing is- he wants this. He’s thought about this more times than he can count. He’s wanted this since before the first time he ever kissed Steve.
But only if Steve wants it too.
“Okay?” Steve repeats.
Javi catches his eye. There’s something a little like relief at Javi’s easy agreement on his face, and that’s the only reason Javi keeps going. “Let’s try. Lie down, yeah?”
Steve searches his face for- something. Some hint of doubt, or denial, or maybe even ridicule. As if Javi would ever deny him. Steve must not find what he’s looking for in Javi’s expression, or maybe he does, but ultimately, his gaze softens. “Yeah,” he replies, barely a whisper, and then he does something that will drive Javi insane until the day he dies.
Steve does as he’s told.
He rolls off Javi, lets himself fall into the sheets next to him, and stays there, waiting for Javi’s next move. It’s a horribly tender thing that Javi is being trusted with. It’s more than Javi can bear to think about right now, and so he doesn’t. Steve lies next to him, nervous but pretending otherwise, naked and hard, and Javi focuses on that instead.
This is something he can do.
He can take control. He wants to, he’s always wanted to, and if Steve lets him - asks him to - he will. He sits up a little, runs a hand across Steve’s stomach, and Steve shivers, but doesn’t stop him. The bottle of lube feels like a strange weight in Javi’s hand as Steve doesn’t break eye-contact.
“Tell me if you want me to stop, alright?” Javi asks, trying very hard to sound sure of himself.
Steve smiles, just barely, and nods. Javi doesn’t know who’s trying to encourage who, at this point. It helps, for what it’s worth. As Javi moves to settle between Steve’s now open legs, it helps. Knowing Steve will tell him if he makes a mistake, that Steve will stop him before Javi can break this thing between them- it makes it easier. It makes it less daunting as Javi uncaps the lube, and pours a little in his hand, and spreads it across his fingers under Steve’s gaze.
For a second, Javi is lost. He’s done this before, of course, but never with Steve. He wants to take this slow, is the thing, wants to make it good. Steve’s eyes never stray from his hands, and it’s so clear that he’s nervous that Javi almost calls this entire thing off then and there.
But Steve had asked, and Javi doesn’t want to deny him. So, instead, he leans in to kiss Steve, just to give him something to focus on as Javi’s hand travels lower. Steve gasps against his lips at the first hint of contact, but doesn’t break the kiss as Javi’s wet fingers find his hole. Javi just keeps still there for a few moments, trying to get Steve used to the contact as he presses another kiss against Steve’s lips, slow and sweet and hopefully distracting enough to calm some of Steve’s nerves.
Slowly, tentatively, he pushes against the ring of muscle. It’s just one finger, pushing in barely to the first knuckle, and Steve makes a broken sound against Javi’s mouth in response to it.
For a second, Javi considers pulling back. But- Steve trusts him. He has to trust Steve in return. Steve had promised he’d tell Javi if he wanted him to stop, and he hasn’t said anything. So, he pulls away a little to get a good look at Steve’s face, and keeps pushing until his finger is buried in Steve entirely.
He keeps it still there, nestled inside to get Steve used to the stretch, and leans down to press a kiss into Steve’s cheek. “Talk to me?”
“It’s-“ Steve starts but trails off, like he can’t find the words.
“I know,” Javi promises softly. Steve’s eyes are shut tight, and suddenly, overwhelmingly, Javi needs to see them, needs to know Steve wants this.
“Look at me, baby?”
Steve’s eyes blink open, so blue, and without a hint of doubt in them. It helps. Javi feels more out of his depth than he has in a long time, but Steve wants this. Javi wants it, too. “I know,” he repeats, and presses another kiss into the skin of Steve’s cheek for good measure.
“Yeah?” Steve asks with a smile, eyes searching Javi’s. For a second, Javi feels like a deer in headlights under his gaze, like finally the intimacy of this moment has occurred to him in its’ entirety. Then, Steve reaches out a hand, tangles it in Javi’s hair and pulls him down to kiss him, just for a moment before he pulls away again. “Keep going,” Steve says, voice terribly gentle, like Javi’s the one in need of encouragement.
(He is, for what it’s worth. For the first time in a long time, Javi is nervous about sex. Ridiculously so. And Steve knows, because Steve always knows. Javi is fairly sure he loves him. He just hopes to God Steve doesn’t know that.)
Javi pulls his finger out, pushes back in, and repeats the motion, setting a steady pace as Steve’s eyes fall shut again. He pulls back from where he looms over Steve to settle between his legs so he can get a better angle, and it works, because as he pushes two fingers into him, Steve finally, finally moans, the sound drawn out and desperate.
Javi finds some semblance of his old confidence in that. “Good?” he asks with a grin.
“Fuck you,” Steve shoots back almost instantly, but his voice is wrecked, and that’s really all Javi needs to know.
Javi presses a kiss into the inside of Steve’s thigh as he settles into his old rhythm. Steve takes it well, Steve takes it like a fucking dream, moaning with every crook of Javi’s fingers, every slide in and out, and Javi is strangely proud of him. “You’re doing well, baby,” he murmurs, right against the skin of Steve’s thigh.
Steve makes a choked off sound at that and then: “Hurry up.”
Javi can’t help but chuckle. Steve takes it well enough, and so, he pulls his fingers out for a second, and then pushes three of them back inside.
The sound Steve makes in response to that is like nothing Javi has ever heard from him before. It’s a little choked off keen, accompanied by Steve breathing out, “Fuck.” Javi takes that as a good sign.
It takes a few long moments of getting used to it, but ultimately, Steve takes it beautifully. Steve takes it like he’s fucking made for it. Javi had expected him to chicken out after the first finger, had expected this to become something they never talked about again. He hadn’t expected this.
Steve’s legs are splayed wide to make room for Javi, who has three of his fingers buried in his hole. He keeps making desperate little noises with every push of Javi’s hand, every crook of his fingers, and Javi could listen to him forever. He could watch him forever, too.
Steve’s face is flushed a nice red, his eyes closed tight as he pants. His hair’s a mess and his cock is so hard Javi half expects him to come just like this.
Javi briefly plays with the thought of pushing another finger into Steve, if only to see if he can get him off without even touching his cock.
“Javi,” Steve chokes out before Javi can follow through. His voice is rough, breathless, and Javi crooks his fingers a little just to hear him moan again. “I’ve done this to you before. I know this is enough.”
“Are you sure?” Javi wants to ask, but doesn’t. Steve wouldn’t have asked if he wasn’t sure. Steve would tell him if he wasn’t sure. So, he doesn’t ask, and instead pulls his fingers out. Steve makes a broken sound in response to that, and now that Javi doesn’t have Steve’s pleasure to focus on anymore, he suddenly becomes aware of his own aching cock again.
He’s been hard this entire time, desire forgotten in the overwhelming shadow of everything else, of Steve, and his trust, and the little noises he couldn’t stop himself from making. Now that he doesn’t have that to distract him anymore-
Javi is desperate. He wants this.
He finally kicks off his pants and slicks himself up under Steve’s keen gaze and suddenly, the situation is all too real again. It’s overwhelming. All this trust that is being placed on him for some reason. This thing that he’s wanted for forever is finally within reach, and it feels surreal and daunting. Because this is- This isn’t just a casual fuck. This is Steve, allowing him in. This is-
Javi doesn’t quite know what this is, what it means. He just knows that he wants it with every bone in his body.
Positioning himself above Steve is nerve-wrecking. He feels like he’s about to vibrate out of his own skin, either from desire or nervousness, and surprisingly, it’s Steve who takes the situation well. It’s Steve who tangles his hands in Javi’s hair and pulls him down to kiss him, who gives him something to focus on, who reassures him without words. When Javi lines himself up, Steve makes a little “Oh,” against his lips, and pulls away.
Steve knows him too well, it turns out. Because Steve catches his eye, and nods, giving Javi that last piece of reassurance he needs right now.
Pushing into Steve is- overwhelming. Javi hasn’t done this to anyone in a while, not since this whole mess with Steve started, and it takes everything in Javi’s power to take it slow. Javi had taken his time preparing Steve, and the slide is wet and easy, but Javi also remembers the first time he did this, and the way it had punched all the air from his lungs, had taken him entirely by surprise, and so he takes his time.
Steve below him takes it wonderfully, for his part. He makes a little choked off noise as Javi pushes into him, and his eyes flutter closed, but he keeps his legs open, keeps his hands buried in Javi’s hair.
He’s so good, and Javi doesn’t understand what he’s done to deserve this. He just knows that he has it, and that he wants to make the most of it, so he leans down and kisses Steve’s cheek. “You’re doing good, querido,” he mutters into Steve’s skin, and before he knows it, his hips meet Steve’s and he’s inside entirely.
He stills there, even though every bone in his body is yelling at him to move.
“Steve?” he asks, and his own voice sounds rougher than usual. “How do you feel?”
Steve’s eyes flutter open, so terribly blue, and find Javi’s. For a second, Javi thinks this is it, thinks Steve will put an end to it now, because this whole situation is more than Javi’s ever dreamed of.
“Full,” Steve half-whispers before he catches himself, and Javi knows. Javi knows this won’t stay a one-time thing, and that alone is enough to drive him crazy. Steve likes it, and they’ve barely even started yet.
“It’s good,” Steve manages after a moment, voice rough. “Move.”
Javi doesn’t need to be told twice. Tentatively, he pulls out, and then he pushes back inside, trying to keep the movement as gentle as he can, with what little control he has left. They both moan in unison at the feeling, and that’s all the encouragement Javi needs right now. Steve likes it.
Steve likes it, when Javi repeats the motion, fucks into him again and again until he finds a rhythm that leaves them both panting and flushed. Steve’s so good for Javi, it drives him a little insane. Steve’s tight and hot around him, and he makes all the right noises, and Javi’s embarrassingly close embarrassingly soon.
He’s not the only one. It takes a moment, Javi taking his time getting used to the feel of Steve around him, but soon enough, he finds the center of Steve, that place that makes him see stars, and Steve is gone. He moves his arms to circle Javi’s neck, tries to pull him down to kiss him but doesn’t quite manage anything more coherent than mashing their lips together and moaning right against Javi, and that-
That does something to Javi. He’s never seen Steve like this before.
He keeps fucking into Steve, relentlessly, and tries to ignore the heat pooling low in his stomach. He wants to see more of Steve like this, wants to hear all the noises he can coax out of him. Steve’s too far gone for anything resembling a kiss, and so, Javi leans down to bite at his neck instead.
“Fuck,” Steve murmurs, and then again, louder, “Fuck.”
“I know, baby,” Javi almost coos, and kisses at the bite mark he just left. “You’re taking it so well.”
At that, or maybe at the feeling of Javi’s cock sliding home once again, pressing deep inside, Steve makes a low, drawn-out keening noise. His eyes are shut tight, his cheeks tinted a deep red. Javi loves him. Javi never wants this moment to end.
He fucks into Steve, losing track of his rhythm in his own desperation. Steve takes it like a dream, takes it like he loves it as much as Javi does. He makes little desperate noises with every slide of Javi’s cock, and that only spurs Javi on more.
“Javi,” Steve chokes out beneath him, like it’s the only thought left in his head. “Javi, please.”
Javi reaches between them without thinking about it, and when his hand finds Steve’s cock, Steve almost sobs. “You feel so good, querido,” he mumbles into the skin of Steve’s neck as he feels his own orgasm approaching and then, stupidly, honestly, he adds, “Te amo.”
And just like that, Steve comes across Javi’s fingers and his own stomach.
Javi toys with the thought of stopping it right there, but Steve, as always, is one step ahead of him. He pulls Javi down against him, lips against lips, too far gone to make the kiss much more than breathing against each other. “Keep- keep going,” he mumbles, right against Javi’s lips, and if Javi wasn’t close before, he’s sure this would do it for him. “I want you to-“
Once again, Steve can’t find the words, or maybe he just can’t get himself to say them, but Javi understands. This is how they work, after all. There’s always an unspoken understanding between them, at work and at home and here. Javi understands.
He speeds his thrusts up, desperate to follow Steve over the edge. Steve around him is tight, still dealing with the aftershocks of his own orgasm and Javi can feel it, and that’s what pushes him over. He comes in Steve with a low groan, keeping the movement of his hips up until it becomes too much.
He stills there, buried inside, just trying to catch his breath, until he feels a hand against his cheek. His eyes must have fallen shut at some point without his noticing, and now he opens them. Below him, he sees Steve, face flushed, and eyes so terribly soft Javi almost closes his own again.
(Javi loves him. He shouldn’t, but he does.)
“Hey,” Steve says softly, and the tenderness of this whole moment makes something deep withing Javi ache.
“Hey,” he replies, and leans down to kiss Steve.
The kiss is slow and gentle, nothing of their earlier desperation left. Steve licks at his lips, and Javi allows him inside, and they spend a long moment like that, getting lost in the familiar motions of it. This, they’ve done before. They’ve spent a hundred afterglows kissing, even when they were still pretending this was just sex.
Javi doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to it.
When Javi pulls away, Steve takes a few seconds to open his eyes, like he’s bone tired. It’s sweet, somehow. Javi can’t help but smile, and Steve smiles back, still a little lost in his afterglow.
(It’s sweet. It’s overwhelming. Javi’s so in love it hurts.)
Pulling out of Steve knocks the breath out of Javi, and Steve’s eyes fall shut again as he sighs. As Javi sits back a little, he gets a better look at Steve, and for a second, Javi forgets to breathe. It’s ridiculous. After all, he’s seen Steve after sex before. But never like this. His hair’s a mess, his own cum drying on his stomach, and between his legs-
Javi has to close his eyes for a second to calm down. Neither of them can go again right now, but the sight half makes him wish they could.
There’s a towel hanging over the back of Javi’s desk chair, for this specific purpose. Javi can reach it without having to stand up, because they’ve done at least the fucking part often enough, though usually it’s Steve who cleans up afterwards.
He runs the towel softly across Steve’s stomach, trying to get rid of the mess there as good as possible, and then across the inside of Steve’s thighs. Steve lets him do this, doesn’t even bother to open his eyes, and there’s trust in that as well. Still, Javi’s not quite happy with the final outcome.
“We should take a shower,” he proposes finally.
Steve groans, and still doesn’t open his eyes. “Give me a damn minute, Javi.”
Javi can’t help but chuckle. He leans down to press a kiss into Steve’s cheek and Steve smiles in response. Blindly, he reaches out for Javi’s shoulder and pulls until Javi gives, and lies down next to him.
“Just a minute,” Javi reminds him gently.
Steve cracks one of his eyes open. “Ten.”
Javi leans in to press a kiss to Steve’s lips, closed mouthed and soft. “Five,” he says when he pulls away again. “I’ll wash your hair.”
Steve looks at him for a long second before he groans again, but there’s a smile on his face. “Fine, five,” he allows finally. “You might have to help me up.”
Javi chuckles. He loves Steve. It’s simple, and yet so complicated, and right now, he doesn’t have to think about it. He just has to enjoy the time he is granted. This will end, one day, but not today.
Today, he’s allowed everything he’s ever wanted. Today, he’s allowed to kiss Steve’s cheek and drag him into the shower. Javi decides that’s enough.
“I can do that.”