Archive of Our Own

Nina didn’t visit as often as she used to.

Still, she tried to make it a point to meander back to Ketterdam when she could. For Jesper and Wylan’s sake if nothing else. Their letters were always long and sweet enough that she could hardly deny them much of anything. And really, she was very happy to coordinate with Inej so they could all spend some time together.

Besides, Nina loved her little family of criminals so fully and completely that she could occasionally set aside her responsibilities to focus on just them.

Well, them and the voices.

There were voices everywhere but Ketterdam was of course that special type of place. She wasn’t sure if there was just more death here or if the dead were just louder.

She hadn't meant to grow so attached to them. The thing about Ketterdam, though, was if you waded through the voices of bruisers and old barrel bosses, you sometimes got to hear the stories of people who deserved better.

And Nina had grown fond of one particular voice.

She didn’t know his name. He could be a little shy but she could tell he was young and if you caught him in the right mood, he was downright devious. She found herself always taking the time to check on him, seeing how he fared and if she could help him in whatever way a living person could help the dead.

Unfortunately, as her visits progressed, so did her knowledge - of both her powers and the voices.

“Here,” Nina said, placing down some hot chocolate in front of Kaz. He looked away from his conversation with Inej to give her an incredulous look. She had gotten them all hot chocolate but it was more to disguise the fact she had gotten it for Kaz specifically.

“It’s summer,” he said, looking at the cup in subtle confusion. “And I’m not a child.”

They were also in a restaurant where they could order more reasonable drinks but Nina wasn’t going to bring that up.

“Adults can have chocolate, Kaz,” Wylan said, immediately worsening his argument but getting some chocolate on his upper lip after taking a sip of his own. Jesper grinned and decided to resolve the problem by kissing it off of him. Kaz made a face.

“We’re in a public place,” he said flatly. Jesper grinned.

“You can murder someone publicly but I can’t kiss my boyfriend?”

“I don’t think Kaz uses that much tongue when he murders people,” Inej commented. Jesper gasped, proclaiming his shock at Inej turning against him in such a manner. Wylan picked at the food spread out on the table between them and shrugged.

“If anyone would know anything about Kaz’s tongue, it would be you, I guess.”

Inej kicked him under the table, ignoring Jesper’s howling laughter.

“Just drink the hot chocolate,” Nina told them all and pushed the cup closer to Kaz. She sat down, taking a moment to bury her face in her hands.

“Nina?” Jesper asked, nudging her. “What’s wrong, gorgeous?”

It was said so sweetly that Nina might have kissed him herself. Given Wylan’s past reactions to such a scandal, she decided it was best to give him a wry grin in return.

“Just had a long morning at the canal,” she said, rubbing her temples. Inej frowned, reaching out to squeeze her hand. “It’s such a miserable place to be. And it smells like Kaz,” she added, sticking out her tongue.

Kaz ignored her but did give a discrete glance towards Inej - as if trying to gauge whether she agreed with this assessment of Kaz’s smell.

“Why do you spend so much time out there?” Wylan asked, purposely shifting closer to Jesper and giving Inej a sort of ‘just you try and stop me’ grin. She flicked an olive at him.

“My powers are getting stronger,” Nina confessed, thinking over her words carefully. “I can have some pretty lengthy conversations with the dead now.”

It wasn’t always a choice these days. Even if Nina wanted to ignore them, she felt cruel doing so. They just wanted someone to talk to. How could she deny them such a simple pleasure?

“Oh?” Jesper asked, taking a sip of his hot chocolate. “Does the afterlife have some hot gossip? Tell me, how many of them are conspiring to jump Kaz the second he reaches the afterlife?”

A hint of a smile touched Nina’s lips. “You laugh, but Kaz might get jumped by ghosts,” she said and pointed a finger at Jesper’s nose. “You too, Fahey. I was unaware you shot someone who didn’t like your new jacket.”

Jesper’s mouth dropped.

“That- that wasn’t why I killed him!” Jesper spluttered and then made a face. “It was very hurtful, though. That had been a new jacket too-”

“Why did you actually kill him?” Inej asked suspiciously. Jesper pointed his fork at her.

“He got mad I went to the Dregs instead of the Razorgulls….then insulted my jacket.”

“So you killed him?”

“He was trying to kill me!”

“Why didn’t you lead with that?”

“The jacket was the focus of conversation-”

“Jesper Llewellyn-”

“Stop using my middle name. It doesn’t scare me-”

“Totally does.”

“It’s true, you do start listening better.”

“Wylan!”

Nina smiled a little at the chaos as Jesper tried to deny having a built-in ‘oh shit’ reflex at hearing Llewellyn in anyone’s mouth. It disappeared when she looked over to find Kaz’s eyes on her.

They didn’t say anything but Nina knew Kaz’s mind was whirling as it always did. Now wasn’t the time to address this, though. She gave him a subtle nod and went back to their meal. This wasn’t a conversation for all of them. In fact, it might not even be a conversation at all. Just Nina admitting something and leaving.

That didn’t make it any less nerve-racking.

Inej insisted they all go back to the Van Eck estate - for drinks and this and that. They all agreed, but Nina knew Kaz wasn’t thrilled with the forced socializing. Nobody was even surprised when he inevitably brought out some bookkeeping in the middle of the night while Inej and Nina played charades with Wylan and Jesper until eventually, they peeled off one by one.

“I’m going to bed,” Inej said after Wylan and Jesper headed up (presumably not to sleep but to cause more mayhem in a different area of the mansion). She set down her wine, stretching out. Kaz paused in writing to watch her. Inej offered a grin when she met his eyes.

“Leave room for me,” Nina quipped, giving a sly wink. Inej laughed, kissing Nina’s cheek as she got up, clearing away some of the glasses. Kaz rolled his eyes.

“See you later,” she added to him, fingers grazing his shoulder as she walked by. They were doing that more, Nina noticed. Subtle touches. Not too long and never on bare skin, but nevertheless. Nina could tell there was improvement. Kaz even sometimes initiated, leaning in a little closer, or bumping their legs closer together.

Nina had never been Kaz’s biggest fan but there was a part of her that felt proud anyways.

….not that he was allowed to know such fondness existed.

“How are you doing, Brekker?” Nina asked when Inej left, and the door finally shut with a soft click. Kaz didn’t bother to look up from his work, tiredly scratching through some form or another.

“Polite of you to ask,” he muttered. Nina tilted her head, waiting for the sarcasm to come out full force. “You’re sweet to care, Zenik. I’m touched. Truly.”

“I don’t care,” Nina said loftily, though her eyes were fixed on his face. She hesitated, a little unsure if she wanted to leave this untouched or not. It somehow felt dirty to keep it a secret, though. Nina didn’t need the details, but she also wanted Kaz to know she wasn’t trying to hide anything. Taking a long breath, she continued. “But the voice in the canal asked me to make sure you’re okay.”

Kaz stopped writing. He didn’t look up at her - and Nina didn’t say anything more. When a few more minutes of silence passed by, she got up, deciding he probably would be better off alone for the night. This was something he would want to be with Inej to-

“When?”

Nina paused. When? She looked down at where he was sitting, but he didn’t look like he would elaborate on the question.

“Today. I… heard a voice. I said hello. It asked me questions and… favors.”

“Like to give me hot chocolate?” he asked, voice strained. Nina put her arms behind her back but gave a slow nod. Kaz considered this for a moment and then went back to writing. It felt like a dismissal, so she went towards the door Inej had left through, her hand touching the brass knob when Kaz spoke again. “I’m okay.” Nina paused, and Kaz cleared his throat. “Tell him that I’m okay.”

Even though he couldn’t see her, she nodded and left the room for the night.

They didn’t speak of it again.

The problem was, Nina couldn’t always control her powers. There were times when she could keep the voices quiet. When she could easily command them to go back to rest or be still… but there were other times she couldn’t. Spirits varied as much as their live counterparts did. There were the meek and the bold.

And this voice could definitely be bold.

“It’s almost winter,” Nina said, tossing a coat at Kaz a few months later. Kaz caught it without even looking up from the records he was pouring over. She hadn’t told him she was dropping by, but he didn’t seem surprised.

“I already have a coat,” he said. Nina shrugged, leaning against the frame of the door. She had just given out gifts to everyone else. Jesper was currently testing out his new poisoned bullets (hopefully not on a person) and Wylan was probably blowing something up with the Inferni powder she had found for him.

She still had Inej’s gift for when she arrived in a few days so that left Kaz. He looked up - studying the coat warily. It wasn’t his usual style. Kaz tended to wear a plain, black coat that probably did little against the cold. This one was thicker, with a fur lining inside and a leather exterior that matched his gloves.

“You’re hard to shop for. It was either this or lace gloves. Be grateful,” Nina said simply and turned away. Kaz called her back. She looked over her shoulder, waiting. Part of her wanted him to say something - because she could never start this conversation. It wasn’t hers to speak of.

Another part of her wasn’t sure she could hear it. Not yet. There was so little she knew in the grand scheme of things. So many questions she didn’t understand.

Kaz’s jaw tightened and he placed the jacket down.

“Just because you have the power to speak to the dead, doesn’t mean you should take advantage of them.”

Nina felt a flare of irritation. She tempered it quickly. This was a tame reaction, all things considered.

“They can be hard to ignore.”

“When they have information you want?”

“No,” Nina said, noticing a protective note hovering underneath his voice. She sighed, turning to face him completely. “I’m not taking advantage of anyone- anything,” she corrected herself. “It’s hard to ignore when they call out-”

“Why would they call out to you?” Kaz asked sharply. “They don’t know you.”

Nina looked at him for a moment.

“I never said it was my name they called.”

She regretted it. She regretted it so badly. Even if the words were said gently - with an apology in every letter - it did nothing to ease the implication.

On her angriest of days, she often wished for something she could use to hurt Kaz. A bat she could beat him to death with or slicing words to undo that unshakable look of stoicism.

Now that she had it… using it felt like swallowing glass.

She went to leave - so Kaz could have his moment of reflection in peace - but he walked around the desk, slamming the door to his office shut in front of her.

“Look at me,” he said. Nina bristled but met his eyes. “Do not cross this line with me, Nina.”

Not Zenik. Not heartrender. Not a condescending darling or love. Nina.

Honestly, it was a very real sign that there was any sort of friendship between them. He was asking her to back off - as a friend. Nina wished she could fully explain herself but it was a dance she didn’t quite know the steps to.

“I’m not trying to,” she told him evenly. “I don’t actually know anything, Kaz. The first time…” she trailed off. She wouldn’t ask who it was she was speaking with. She would never ask that…but she also couldn’t figure out the right thing to say without knowing. “Nevermind.”

Kaz’s jaw clenched and he jerked open the door again, wordlessly moving back to his desk.

“Get out.”

She did.

It was usually pretty easy to avoid Kaz overall. She stayed with Wylan and Jesper, and Inej tended to slip into the house and visit her when she came by. Nina might only see Kaz if she sought him out, or Wylan insisted they all sat under one roof.

Of course, sometimes, on the rare occasion, they all met up for…. Uh. Other reasons.

“And you expect me to clean up your mess?” Kaz asked sharply. He was perched against the edge of his desk, looking only slightly more livid than usual. Wylan was leaning against the door, scowling back. They were quite a juxtaposition at the moment - Wylan in a pressed white suit, looking more like a merchant than Nina had ever seen him. Kaz remained in his trademarked black, every piece of him screaming criminal. Inej and Jesper were between them, though shifting slightly more toward their respective partner, and Nina sat directly in the middle of it all, watching as she snacked on some cookies Inej had brought for Kaz.

“I’m asking for a favor.”

“A favor,” Kaz repeated softly and shook his head. “No. Deal with this yourself.”

Jesper’s eyes flashed - an automatic wave of defense rising - but Wylan waved him away before he could even open his mouth.

“I think you’re confused about what I’m actually asking you,” Wylan said. Kaz raised a brow. Nina took a bite of her cookie. Kaz tended to only be confused by pretty girls who made him feel normal, human emotions. “I’m not in any danger of being caught. Notts became a problem and I-”

“Murdered him,” Inej said, her voice toeing the line between pride and exasperation. Wylan lifted his chin.

“I took care of it. Something that everyone in this room might thank me for because if he was still alive, we'd be dealing with some very fun laws that would definitely be used to indenture Grisha, and cost Kaz here a good chunk of change.”

Kaz bristled. “I would have figured out a way to-”

“The only way you could have avoided several of your dregs being outed as Grisha and indentured would be indenturing them yourself. Don’t patronize me by pretending like you would have found another solution.”

“Eventually, yes.”

“You’re welcome,” Wylan said, ignoring the obstinance in Kaz’s response. “Look, I was subtle and didn’t leave any evidence behind. Nobody is going to tie it back to me. All I need you to do is send Rotty over-”

“Not Rotty. He’s too well-known around these parts.”

“That’s the point!”

“So you do want me to take the blame for this?”

“No- saints, Kaz,” Wylan said frustrated. “I know you see where I’m going with this!”

Nina didn’t but she also knew it didn’t relate to her. She had her own political problems to worry about. She tried to stay out of Kerch’s. Wylan and Kaz squabbled back and forth. She didn’t really think Kaz cared too much if people thought he killed Notts. In fact, he manicured Wylan’s reputation like he did his own. It made business easier to have a respectable merchant as an ally than a dirty one.

The thing was, Wylan was a respectable merchant for the most part. Whenever he went to Kaz, it was rarely for anything sordid. It was just... questions. About the market, trade, how different laws worked in different ways. Those things.

Still, Nina had noticed Kaz could be harsh about making sure Wylan didn’t rely on him too much. Nina didn’t think that was fair. It wasn’t like Wylan ran to him for every little thing. He was still learning - and it wasn’t like his father had raised him to take over. Who else was Wylan supposed to go to for these questions?

And, well, the occasional murder.

Eventually, Wylan got angry and stormed out. Naturally, Jesper had some frustrated quips and followed. Inej gave Kaz a long look until he admitted he had sent Rotty over to complete Wylan’s plan hours ago, which led to an exasperated Inej slipping out to inform their friends that Kaz was, once again, an insufferable ass.

And so here they were again.

“What is it this time?” Kaz asked when Nina continued standing there. “What am I getting now? A book? A game? Some toy?” Nina hesitated and then sat down in the chair in front of him. “You enjoy this, don’t you?”

“No.”

“Then why are you doing it?” he asked her sharply. Nina sighed, tapping her knees. “If not to torment me-”

“He’s a kid, Kaz,” Nina said, frustrated as she tilted her head back so she could stare at the ceiling. “I don’t know how to tell him no. I try to avoid him sometimes. I made the mistake of saying that I knew you when he first said your name and now he won’t leave me alone.”

When she peered back down, Kaz’s hands were twisted in his hair, looking more distraught than she had admittedly ever seen him. It wasn’t obvious - someone who didn’t know him well would assume he was merely thinking - but there was a twitch there that she knew was grief.

They sat there for several minutes. Kaz seemed to only be focused on breathing, his chest rising and falling slowly.

“A kid,” he repeated suddenly. Nina frowned. “I never thought of that before.”

Kaz admitting he hadn’t thought of something was pretty amazing in itself. Normally, Nina would jump at the opportunity to heckle him, but perhaps not with this.

“What did you think of him as then?”

Kaz tapped the desk in front of him. “....older,” he finally said, voice so quiet that Nina almost didn’t catch it. A sharp twist went through her stomach. She had tried to avoid asking the voice too many questions. She didn’t know how long he’d been dead. It simply hadn’t occurred to her that this wasn’t a recent death but a much, much older one from Kaz’s past.

“Does he know?” Kaz finally asked. Nina tilted her head. “That… that I’m… not a child?”

Oh. Sometimes, spirits realized they were dead. They understood time. Others didn’t. They couldn’t seem to grasp that the world moved on when they didn’t. It was a pattern in younger deaths, she noticed.

“I don’t think he does,” she admitted. “He asked me if…” she trailed off, trying to gauge a little more of Kaz’s reaction before continuing. “He asked me if you were in school.”

Kaz gave a bitter bark of a laugh and reached into the drawer of the desk, bringing out a bottle of whiskey. He popped off the top with a knife, grabbing two glasses and shoving them between them.

Had Nina seen Kaz drink before? She wasn’t sure.

“Him and fucking school,” he muttered and poured himself a large glass. “What did you say?”

“I said yes,” Nina admitted, ignoring Kaz rolling his eyes. “I thought he might have meant university or something- it seemed safer just to lie.”

Kaz poured her a drink but Nina went for the bottle. When Kaz’s glass was done, he took Nina’s, both silently going back and forth until half of it was gone.

“How do you do it?” Kaz asked after a while. He didn’t seem drunk but then again, Nina had never seen him drunk to be sure. She closed her eyes and took the whiskey from him. “In Fjerda - hearing Matthias whenever you’re near.”

Nina let the whiskey burn her throat, trying to keep her face stoic.

“I don’t.”

“What do you mean?”

“Why do you think I practice so much?” Nina asked and took another swig. “I can’t hear him. He won’t answer me. He’s never answered me.”

Kaz said nothing.

Nina wasn’t bitter. Not really. She knew Matthias wouldn’t answer her. There was a difference, she thought, between a thirteen-year-old little boy desperately looking out for someone from the grave and a man trying to help the woman he loves - loved - move on.

But just once she wished he would relent. He had never done so in life. Matthias rarely gave in to her charms when he felt something was important.

It just hurt.

“Where are they?” Kaz asked. He leaned back in his chair, abandoning the papers. “Their… souls.”

“Worried for the fate of yours?”

“Curious.”

“I’m not sure,” Nina admitted. She had asked on occasion. Spirits were such fickle things. Sometimes they were happy. Sometimes they were sad. She got the feeling the content ones were usually the ones out of reach. “Can I ask his name? Your ghost?” she asked. Kaz looked at her, surprised.

“He never told you?”

“I’ve told him you don’t like me talking to him. He said it doesn’t count if we’re strangers, which I guess means… I don’t know. That we’re still strangers if I don’t have his name?” she said, trying to follow along with this small ghost’s flawed logic. Kaz looked almost amused.

“He has a point,” he said, and Nina could feel a subtle wave of fondness flood the room. “Jordan.”

Jordan. Nina stopped sipping her drink.

“Jordan?” she repeated. Kaz glanced at her and she knew she was on thin ice. Perhaps if they weren’t drunk, he wouldn’t have slipped and revealed this. Maybe Nina shouldn’t be asking questions in this state - but her tongue was also loose and the words that followed fell out of her mouth without permission. “You called Jesper that. Or… or Jordie,” she said, wrinkling her nose, trying to remember. “Are they the same? Jordan and Jordie?”

Kaz ran a hand over his face and shrugged. Nina took that as a yes.

“Pick one of the beds to sleep in downstairs. I don’t want Inej yelling at me for letting you stumble back to the Van Eck’s,” he said and got up. It felt sudden, but Nina didn’t stop him. She just watched him slip towards his adjoining room, the door somehow deafening without being slammed shut.

And, as per usual, they didn’t speak of it again for the rest of Nina’s stay.

More time passed and Nina tried to avoid Ketterdam to avoid the situation in general. Inej wouldn’t have it, though, and without knowledge of her silent back-and-forth with Kaz, Nina had no excuse not to jump on the Wraith.

This time, Kaz was waiting at the canal.

“You can see them now,” he greeted without even a hello. Nina fixed him with a long look. “I have sources everywhere,” he added before she could ask how he could possibly know that.

It had been a little over a year since she had last seen him. He somehow looked the same and different. He was a tad taller, with his face sharper and the shadows under his eyes gone. Overall, he actually seemed healthier than the pale little gremlin she was used to seeing.

“Your hair,” she said, noting the biggest change. “It doesn’t look like a two-year-old cut it.”

Kaz narrowed his eyes at her but it was true. It occurred to Nina that his bad haircuts probably came from nobody being able to touch him, thus he just did it himself… and badly. So either he finally learned to do it right or someone (Nina suspected Inej) was allowed to do it for him.

“Is it true?” he asked, ignoring her. “Can you see spirits now?”

“Only if I summon them,” she relented, crossing her arms over her chest. “You have nothing to worry about. I would never-”

“And if I asked you to?”

Nina paused.

“I would ask you why you would want such a thing. You wouldn’t be able to see him,” she said, glancing over her shoulder to make sure nobody was nearby. “Only I would… and I don’t think you want that.”

Based on Kaz’s face, he was having similar thoughts. He stepped out towards the water before glancing over at a bridge a few feet away.

“I… am not sure I can continue this,” Kaz finally said, each word careful. “I need him gone.”

“Kaz-”

“You said Matthias won’t answer you. Is that because he’s ignoring you or found someplace better?”

Nina pursed her lips. It was a bit of both, honestly. Nina had figured out there was a different place spirits could travel to. If Matthias wanted to, he could leave it and speak with her in the interim, but he didn’t.

Jordie, on the other hand, remained in the interim, refusing to leave wherever his body was in this canal. Nina supposed it wasn’t a terrible request that Kaz ask her to steer him in the right direction. And it felt obvious, in hindsight, why Jordie was still here at all.

“Okay,” she said, twisting her hands together. “Do… you want to do this now?”

Kaz shrugged. They had a good hour uninterrupted. The others would assume Nina would want to be alone here and nobody ever bothered to hunt down Kaz if he wanted to be gone. She bit her lip and then moved to the canal. Kaz cleared his throat and pointed toward the bridge he had been looking at earlier. Ah. She moved next to it. Kaz nodded.

“You’re sure?” she asked. Kaz just looked at her. “...alright,” she said, and knelt, pressing her hands into the ground. The voices she had been trying to mute all jumped to life at once - a loud cacophony of cries and laughter and whispers. Some greeted her by name, others asked who she was, and a few cursed loudly at her return.

“You’re back!”

When Nina opened her eyes, a boy stood in front of her.

It was startling to see. Ghosts didn’t look like translucent smoke to her. They looked very much like ordinary people with the exception of touching them. Nina could clearly see the blackness of his hair and eyes that looked identical to Kaz’s.

Nina nodded to herself. Kaz had never said that he and this ghost were related but she had suspected. Now it felt painfully obvious, seeing them both in her line of vision. If she didn’t know any better, she’d imagine a thirteen-year-old Kaz would have looked identical to this little boy.

“I’m back,” she said, waving. “I can see you-”

“You can see me?” the boy balked before beaming at her. “You weren’t able to see me before?” he asked, suddenly bewildered. Nina smiled at him, shaking her head. “Whoa… that’s probably why I won rock, paper, scissors so much,” he whispered.

Nina laughed. He really was her absolute favorite spirit. If he didn’t have this tie to Kaz, she would have spent hours talking to him.

“I brought-” she began but Jordie waved her words away, looking around with a frown.

“Have you seen my brother?” he asked, confirming everything she already suspected. Nina’s mouth snapped shut. Could he see other people outside of her? She was under the impression he could, but maybe not. “Did he get the coat?” he asked, concerned. “It’s cold. He should have one.”

“I- yes, I did,” she said, all too aware that Kaz could hear her side of the conversation. “Look, Jordie-”

“There’s a shop in the Zelver District,” Jordie continued. “It has these cards and I promised Kaz that when we got all of our money I’d get them for him. Could you buy some?” he asked, fixing her with big eyes. Saints, help her. “He’s probably so bored.”

“Bored?” Nina repeated, raising a brow. “Why would he be bored?”

“Because he’s in school,” Jordie said, jutting his hands in his pockets. “Don’t tell him I said this, but Kaz is too smart for school.”

“Oh?”

“I bet he’s smarter than all the teachers,” Jordie continued, a hint of pride underneath. “Kaz might be the smartest person in the world,” he added offhandedly. Nina bit her lip.

“What’s happening?” Kaz asked her. His voice was calm but she could sense some trepidation. Hesitating, she turned to him.

“I…” she began, trying to figure out who to spare right now. Jordie was a child who didn’t realize Kaz was an adult, but Kaz was a living person who knew the circumstances of this visit. She shook her head, deciding there was no point in trying to pull the wool over Kaz’s eyes anyway. “Jordie was saying that Kaz was probably bored in school.”

Kaz frowned, not reacting to the fact Jordie couldn’t see him.

“...why?”

“Apparently,” Nina said, offering a wry smile. “He’s too smart.”

For the first time since knowing him, Kaz looked at her with genuine disbelief.

“He thinks-? He thinks that?”

“The words ‘smartest person in the world’ were used,” Nina said, making quotation marks in the air. Jordie paused, looking at her curiously as she spoke. Kaz seemed stunned by the direction the conversation had taken, hand clasping tightly around his cane.

“Then why did he want m- Kaz in school?”

That was a good question. Before Nina could turn to answer it, Jordie cleared his throat.

“Because we live in Ketterdam, obviously,” he said, exasperated. Nina spun around. He could hear Kaz? Oh, saints. He could hear Kaz. That meant- “Who is this person, Nina?” Jordie asked, walking up to where Kaz was standing. “Is he my uncle?”

His what? Nina wasn't sure if she should laugh or not.

“I- What? Why would you think that?”

“He looks like my ma,” Jordie said, looking at Kaz. “I think so, anyway. She died when Kaz was a baby, but I remember she looked like that. Maybe she had a brother,” he said, and then gasped. “He has a crow cane? That’s so cool!”

“Yeah,” Nina agreed, dusting off her dress. “What did you mean before? About why Kaz needed to be in school?”

Jordie stopped examining Kaz’s cane to give her an incredulous look.

“It’s scary here. I mean, I always tell Kaz we’re going to beat the city, but that’s my job, really,” he said, skipping back over to her. “There are lots of bad people. I’ve seen them.”

“So… Kaz needs to be in school because the rest of the city is too dangerous?” she clarified. Jordie nodded. She looked over at Kaz, who seemed to have withdrawn completely. Right. Nina needed to get them on the right track. “Okay,” she said and knelt so Jordie could look down at her. “I… have some things to tell you,” she said gently. Jordie waited. “I know there’s a place where other spirits go. A different place.”

Jordie paused.

“Where da and ma is,” he said solemnly. Nina nodded. “I can’t go yet.”

“Why not?”

“I have to wait for Kaz.”

Nina closed her eyes.

“He doesn’t want you to wait,” she tried and Jordie’s brows came together. “He isn’t a kid anymore. He’s… grown up now. It’s been a while since… since you….” she tried and cleared her throat. Jordie stared at her.

“Oh.” His voice sounded so small that Nina almost took it all back. “He… but I can still wait. You’re going to help me, right?”

“Help you what?”

“Make sure he’s okay.”

Nina swallowed. She hated this. She hated this.

“I promise. I will, I promise, but you don’t need to be here for me to do that,” she said. Jordie stepped away from her, hurt touching his features. “Jordie- look, listen-” she began when he stepped back again. “He has people, okay? I told you about them, remember? I said he has a friend called Jesper - and Wylan. And he has Inej, remember? I told you about them?”

Jordie hesitated.

“I think he likes Inej,” he said. Nina smiled a little.

“Yeah, I think he does too,” she said. “And Kaz is okay. He just wants you to be okay, too, I think. Would you like it if you were alive and you knew Kaz was waiting here all by himself?” she tried. Jordie hesitated.

“...no.”

“That’s all this is.”

Jordie still didn’t look thrilled by the development. He wrung his hands, nose wrinkling.

“....he’s grown up?” he asked. Nina nodded, and Jordie’s frown deepened. “Is he a merchant?”

“He does… business,” Nina went with. “His friend is a merchant. And Inej is pretty much like this cool, um, sailor who saves people,” she said. Jordie nodded a little. “And he has a lot of money. Enough to buy the city, probably.”

Jordie relaxed a little at that… then gave a sort of bashful smile.

“So… he probably doesn’t need you to buy him coats or cards, right?”

Nina laughed and shook her head.

“I’ll buy them for him anyway.”

“It is cold here…” Jordie murmured. It was at this moment, Nina realized he was dripping water. She didn’t think he had been that way when they started talking but now his hair was plastered to his face, some scarring dotting his skin. He absently scratched at it. “He’s not mad at me, right?”

Nina shook her head, but Jordie didn’t seem convinced.

“Can you ask him? Please?” he asked, turning to look at where Kaz was standing. Nina followed his eyes, realizing he must have already made the connection the second Nina admitted Kaz was an adult. She looked up at where Kaz was still watching.

“Are you mad at him?” she asked quietly. Kaz paled - looking uncomfortable with the fact Jordie had identified him - knowing that his next words would be spoken within his brother’s earshot. Nina wondered if Kaz had thought about this moment - what he might say if he had some final words.

Kaz looked around and Nina stood up, pointing to the spot Jordie was standing so he could face the right direction.

“I was,” he said slowly. “Not anymore.”

Jordie looked Kaz up and down - dark eyes taking him in like he just couldn’t quite believe that this was Kaz.

“Jakob Hertzoon is gone,” Kaz added, the words coming a little quickly. “I got rid of him and everyone else that tricked us.”

“Tricked me,” Jordie corrected quietly.

“His name was Pekka Rollins and he was the barrel boss. He’s gone, though. Everything he owned is mine now. He’s in the Wandering Island somewhere and isn’t going to come back ever,” Kaz continued almost with a desperate note. Like he needed Jordie to understand some sort of justice had taken place. “I beat the city."

Jordie looked thoughtful at that.

“But you’re okay?” he asked again. Nina got the feeling he wouldn’t be content until he heard it from Kaz’s mouth.

Nina relayed the question and Kaz showed the first sign of irritation.

“He heard the other stuff too, right?” he asked. Nina grimaced but gave a slight nod. “And his question is… that after waking up on top of his dead body and forced to use it like a plank of wood to avoid drowning, and after not being able to touch anyone for years after, and joining the Dregs to survive so that I could take down Pekka Rollins, that after killing and torturing people, and eventually doing enough heinous things that I finally took down all of Ketterdam - is if I’m okay?”

“...I thought you said he was a businessman,” Jordie muttered. Nina gave him a stern look. “So you are mad,” he went with.

“Jordie,” Nina tried.

“I’m not leaving,” Jordie decided. “I can stay here.”

Wait. No.

“I- Jordie, he didn’t- Jordie!” she shouted, but Jordie had already gone. Nina raised a hand to summon him but in the waves of other voices and death that swam about the canal, she couldn’t find him again. Not without him reaching out for her. “JORDIE!”

“He left?” Kaz asked. Nina gave a hiss of frustration, throwing a hand in the air.

“He said you were mad at him and he was staying.”

Kaz made a noise of affront, spinning back towards the Slat. Not knowing what else to do, Nina followed. “Kaz-”

“He’s the reason everything turned out to be such a mess,” Kaz spat when they reached the cobbled pathway. “And he wants to ask if I’m okay?”

Nina didn’t answer. As far as she could tell, Jordie just wasn’t interested in Kaz avenging his death. All he wanted was for his brother to be warm and drink hot chocolate with his friends.

But it was too late for Kaz to know that now. Not after he had already conquered the city.

“His mind is still thirteen,” Nina went with instead. “He just…” Just what? Nina didn’t know what to say. Kaz fell against the side of the nearest building, glowering darkly in front of him. “I’m sorry, Kaz-”

“I don’t need your pity,” Kaz practically snarled at her. “Or his. Definitely not his,” he said, voice tightening. Nina didn’t respond. Shaking his head, Kaz pushed himself off the wall, gesturing for her to stay away, and walked down an alleyway.

Pressing her head against the building, she breathed slowly.

She thought of Matthias. Of their words whispers to each on cold nights, tangled in sheets and the only sound being their own breaths.

I was made to protect you, his voice rang in her head. Only in death will I be kept from this oath.

Giving a cry of frustration, she hit the side building.

“Nina?”

Inej. She turned, finding the shadows moving to show a familiar set of dark eyes watching her. She jumped from the side of the building. Nina didn’t say a word, she just opened her arms and Inej came immediately, hugging her tightly.

“I just want to say goodbye to him,” Nina whispered between sobs. A nasty part of her was jealous of Kaz. That Jordie so resiliently stayed until they could end on better terms. “Why won’t he let me say goodbye?”

It was because she already had. She knew that. She knew there was nothing left unsaid between them. Grief didn’t care about the checkboxes, though. As much as she found love in new places and within new people - a new person specifically - there was always a piece of her that would yearn for her first true whirlwind romance.

Was it wrong of her to feel this way? To miss Matthias when she was supposed to have moved on? When she was starting to feel something new blossoming in its place? Was horrible to Matthias? To Hanne?

Another year went by. Nina returned.

Jesper and Wylan had a kid now. She was an aunt. Nobody had quite anticipated a child being thrown into the mix so soon - least of all Jesper and Wylan themselves. Apparently, Inej had brought the baby back from a mission that had gone very, very wrong. She had brought the little girl to Ketterdam while trying to find a somewhat safe place for her as a newly orphaned child, and somehow she had grown attached to Wylan and Jes while staying in the Van Eck mansion.

Based on what Nina had seen, they had fallen in love with her pretty quickly too.

“Are you Uncle Kaz then?” Nina asked, watching Jesper looking downright besotted as he played an endless game of peek-a-boo, who burst into delighted laughter at every moment. Kaz fixed her with an irritated look. “You better spoil that little girl, Brekker,” she warned. “Wylan would gladly burn down the Slat for her.”

“I have no interest in this child.”

“Hm,” Nina said, collapsing onto a couch. “We’ll talk again in a few years. I’m rooting for you to be wrapped around her finger,” she said. Kaz said nothing, sitting down across from her. He wasn’t wearing his gloves, she noticed. He had taken them off when they stepped inside the estate. Nobody had acknowledged it but Inej beamed at him throughout the visit.

“I heard you were in Novyi Zem,” Kaz said. Nina turned, raising an eyebrow. “Colm wrote to me about it.”

Ah, shit.

“You talk with Colm?” she asked, dismayed. Kaz didn’t answer her. “Don’t tell Jesper,” she said, lowering her voice.

Kaz put his leg out, rubbed his knee slightly, and closed his eyes. “You shouldn’t have done that,” he finally said with a hint of warning. “Not without asking him.”

“I didn’t realize,” Nina said defensively. “I know this girl…Leoni. She told me she would like to thank the woman who saved her life. I agreed. It wasn’t until we got to the farm and I saw Colm that I realized who I would be talking with.”

Kaz cracked an eye open, looking her over for a moment.

“…what was she like?”

“Leoni?”

“Jesper’s mother.”

“Oh,” Nina said and smiled. “She’s where he gets his personality from.” Kaz gave a low sort of scoff and nodded. “I should probably tell him-”

“Don’t,” Kaz interrupted. Nina raised a brow. “He doesn’t need to be condemned to the same fate we have.”

Nina picked at the arm of the chair she was in. “And what fate is that?” she asked.

Kaz gave a wry smile.

“To live with one foot in the grave.”

Nina nodded. She wasn’t sure if Jesper simply hadn’t considered the fact that Nina could serve as a way to communicate with Aditi or if he didn’t want to dredge up her memory. Either way, Kaz was right. Living with the dead was no way to live at all.

“How is Jordie?” she asked, knowing it was a useless question to ask. Kaz rubbed his forehead.

“I think he might be ready to leave,” he said carefully. Nina gave a questioning hum. “I go to the canal sometimes. Talk. I don’t know what he says back but maybe I’ve… I’ve satisfied him enough with things.” A long pause followed. “I brought Inej once.”

Nina smiled.

“Yeah?”

“It felt ridiculous,” he muttered. Nina reached out her foot, lightly kicking his pant leg.

“He probably liked that. He seems to think you would like Inej,” she added. Kaz muttered something too Kerch for her to understand and sunk into the chair, leaving the conversation alone.

A few days later, Nina went back to the canal. Kaz was unsurprisingly waiting for her.

Surprisingly, so was Jordie.

“Is Inej coming?” he greeted. Nina threw her head back and laughed before repeating the question to Kaz. “You said she was a sailor,” Jordie continued. “Not a pirate. I can’t believe Kaz’s girlfriend is a pirate,” he added with a little awe. “And a nice pirate, too. You never hear about nice pirates,” he frowned.

“He likes your girlfriend,” Nina relayed.

“I never said she was my girlfriend.”

“That’s stupid,” Jordie said. Nina nodded.

“That is stupid,” Nina agreed. “I’ve seen them holding hands.”

“Nina,” Kaz said, but Jordie looked delighted by the information. She wasn’t sure what had happened in the year she had been gone, but Kaz’s monologues apparently had eased Jordie quite a bit. He seemed far less concerned with Kaz’s life, at least.

“I can go now,” he said when Nina finished heckling Kaz. “But you have to tell him I’m sorry first,” he said. Nina nodded. “And that you can bring me back if he needs me,” he added. Nina nodded again. There was a long pause. “And… I miss him,” Jordie said a little slowly. “I’m really, really sorry,” he tacked on quietly.

“I’ll tell him all of that,” Nina promised. Jordie rocked back and forth on his heels, biting his lip.

“I didn’t mean to make everything such a mess for us. He’s a good brother.”

“He is a good brother,” Nina agreed, loud enough so that Kaz could hear. Then gave Kaz a sly smile. “He’s going to be a good uncle too.” Jordie’s mouth dropped. “Wylan and Jesper have a baby now.”

“...you guys are so old,” Jordie said, aghast. Nina very much disagreed but sure. “Tell Kaz he should show the baby magic tricks. He’s good at those,” he said with a nod. Right. Of course.

“Anything else?” she asked. Jordie stepped back into the canal behind him. He looked at Kaz, and then behind him.

“I don’t know. I’ll see him again,” he said. “Just… take care of him,” he said, stepping back into the water. Nina gestured to Kaz, making sure he knew this was goodbye in case there was anything else to say. She didn’t think there was any more. Kaz’s talks seemed to have been successful. “Oh!” Jordie said, turning suddenly towards her. “He says he likes Hanne.”

Nina almost jerked back - the name being the last thing she expected to hear in Jordie’s mouth.

“What?” she said, voice shaking a little. “What did you just say?”

“I almost went to the other place once,” Jordie said. “After I got mad at Kaz. He told me not to go in there mad, and to say goodbye properly. Then he told me to tell you he likes Hanne,” Jordie explained. A hard lump formed in Nina’s throat. “He has very pretty hair,” he added offhandedly. Nina felt tears prick at her eyes, giving a small nod.

“He does, doesn’t he?” she asked and sniffed a little. “Thank you for telling me that, Jordie.”

Jordie smiled at her sweetly before turning once more to look at Kaz.

“....thank you,” he said, and the water of the canal turned white for a moment. Then he was gone. Nina took a few shuddering breaths, trying to control her emotions when she felt pressure on her arm.

“Inej says she has waffles for you,” Kaz said. Nina looked down, surprised to find it was Kaz gently pulling her away from the water. He wasn’t wearing gloves - their skin only separated by the sleeve of Nina’s coat.

“Thank you,” she mumbled. Kaz let go of her, shrugging. They started to walk back. “....I’m going to bring someone next time I visit,” she decided. Kaz looked at her. “Hanne. I’m going to bring Hanne next time.”

“The Fjerdan you like?” Kaz asked, and gave a muttered swear. “If you insist. I have no interest in socializing.”

“It’s for Inej and Wylan and Jesper-”

“Good. I’m not part of this.”

“You are-”

“Why?”

“Because I said so, and you owe me for the millions of times I’ve saved your ass over the years,” Nina began. Kaz gave her a doubtful look.

“I have things to do, Zenik.”

“I haven’t even told you when we’re coming!”

“I had no idea you valued my presence so much.”

“By the saints - I’m telling Inej you’re being like this,” Nina snapped back, and for the first time in years, the voices of the dead felt like they just might leave her to live.