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Ben’s bare feet slapped against the tiled floors of the supermarket. His basket bumped his side as he walked, the bottles of liquid sloshing as he made his way through the shelves taller than his eye could see and filled with what looked like identical objects. Kevin was there with him, trailing behind just out of sight, and Ben kept on yelling for him to hurry up, but Ben never saw more than the back of his head, so Ben had given up.. Ben examined an item, then put it back, sighing. He just couldn’t find what he was looking for. He looked down at his arm for his grocery list, scribbled on his arm so he wouldn’t forget it. He examined his hand, the words trailing up his arm and through his sleeve, a spiral of nonsense. He looked down at the palm of his hand and huffed. He’d written the last item he needed square in the middle of his hand, and now it was smudged from the sweat of his palm.
“Kevin?” he called out. “Kevin, do you know what the last thing we needed to get was?”
No answer, just the shitty pop music softly playing from the tinny speakers. Ben called again. “Kevin? If you left, that means my ride home is shot, so come out and help me get this shit done.”
No response again. Ben sighed and picked up his basket.
Ben weaved through the shelves, looking for his friend, as the music on the speakers gradually got quieter and quieter. A strong stench permeated through the air, like someone who hadn’t washed in longer than Ben had been alive, stale, grimy and acidic almost. Ben kept calling for Kevin, but there was never any response. The feeling of dread that always set in when Kevin was out of sight started churning in his stomach. What if he was dead? What if he was hurt? Ben kept going deeper into the grocery store.
The air started smelling of bile, and Ben pinched his thigh to keep from panicking. Kevin was fine, he always was in the end. He’d never ditch Ben just because, though, they weren’t like that. Ben took out his phone to text the other boy, but the machine had the consistency of jello and fell apart in his hands. Ben kept calling for Kevin.
The stench was getting stronger, and as Ben walked through the catacomb-esque shelves, he suddenly felt a presence behind him. “Kevin?” he asked. No response, only a strange gurgling sound. Ben turned around,
As far as the unreachable ceiling, the figure's body warped up into the sky, twisting around new bones and ever expanding flesh, alien parts protruding from the pus-filled folds, undulating sickeningly. Tufts of black hair grew from random parts of its body, wiry and greased with oil. The stench of uncleanliness and bile was stronger than ever, making Ben nauseous from its very potency. He wanted to cover his nose, but didn’t. He knew who this was.
‘Dude, what happened to you?”
Nothing but gurgling in response. Ben’s stomach dropped. Kevin wasn’t even able to talk anymore, and Ben couldn’t find his face in the swirling mass of flesh. Kevin made a sobbing noise. Ben wanted to cry.
“It’s ok, dude, we’ll fix this. We’ll make you better.” Ben said, trying to pat what he thought was Kevin’s ankle, but it swelled too big for him to reach before he was able to. Ben wanted to vomit from the very sight, his closest friend groaning in pain and completely unrecognizable. Every memory and scenario where this ended badly ran though Ben’s head as fast as light, Ben digging his nails into his palm just to keep from throwing up or crying.Large droplets fell on his cheeks, and he couldn’t tell if they were Kevin’s or his. “It’s gonna be ok.” he whispered, getting more tearful by the second. “It’s gonna be ok.”
Ben was suddenly filled with the overwhelming urge to hold Kevin’s hand, to comfort him in any way at all. He pawed around in the ever-swelling mass, searching for anything vaguely hand shaped, anything so he could give his friend respite from what had to be the worst pain he’d ever felt in his life. He kept on whispering that it was going to be ok. He didn’t even know if he believed that himself.
Ben climbed the hulking mass, looking for anything resembling a face, pus greasing his hands as he climbed. Snot was leaking out his nose as hard as he tried to hide it, he was full on sobbing now. He could feel Kevin’s tears wetting his behemoth of a body, and Ben kept on climbing, as fast as he could, desperate for some acknowledgement that Kevin was still there, still a human inside, nausea swelling in his stomach from the heavy stench of puke and bile, until he finally climbed to something resembling a face, and looking into Kevin’s eyes for something, anything close to recognition, all Ben could see was fear.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ben woke up with tears in his eyes.
His dreams were not usually kind to him, but that particular one was one of the worst. He’d had variations of it for years, since he and Kevin first met, but they always hit like it was the first time they’d ever happened. They’d become even worse since the last time Kevin mutated, and Ben was faced with guilt from the way he’d acted. He suspected in a few minutes he’d be further beating himself up. Ben dryly sobbed then wiped his tears on his shirt.
He turned the lights on, seeing enemies in every shadow in his room. He checked the time and sighed. 3:15 wasn't that bad, he thought. 2 hours of sleep in 3 days wasn’t the worst he’d ever dealt with.
Ben padded down to the kitchen and dug around in the fridge for the energy drink he’d been saving for this sort of occasion. He gulped down the acidic contents, gagging at the overly sweet taste. He didn’t know how Gwen drank these things.
Ben stood silently in the kitchen, tears silently streaming down his face as he positioned himself in the most defensible spot possible, hand grazing the Omnitrix. Anxiety usually happened after a particularly bad dream, where he’d see adversaries out of the corner of his eye and worry that his best friends were long dead. He’d usually be able to reassure himself until the sun came up, but tonight was different. His mind was moving a mile a minute. He kept on picturing Kevin’s bloated corpse in his head, reimagining every time he’d had to witness the other boy’s frame warp beyond recognition.. After 20 minutes of standing in the kitchen, Ben's anxieties had not calmed down. Ben sighed. He was going to have to resort to drastic measures.
Whenever Ben used to have a particularly anxiety-inducing dream, he’d call Kevin in the middle of the night (he was always up.), wait until Kevin said hello, then hang up without saying anything. It was his little reminder that his friend was still alive, still safe enough to answer the phone. The next day, Ben would just say he’d left his phone in his pocket while he was sleeping and must have rolled over on it. A text was never enough. Ben needed to hear him speak.
Ben dialed Kevin’s number, holding the phone up to his ear with shaky hands. He was still crying, but it wasn’t noticeable, he didn’t think. The phone beeped a full two times until Kevin picked up.
“Ben. what’s up?”
Ben made a move to hang up, but Kevin stopped him.
“Are you ok, dude? Who’s that crying?”
Ben stopped in his tracks. “Um. my mom. She uh, stubbed her toe.” He sniffled pathetically. He wasn’t being convincing in the slightest, be that from the lack of sleep or the emotional exhaustion.
“Are you serious?”
“Y- yeah. Bye-”
“No, don’t hang up yet. Why’d you call?”
“No reason. Just, um….” Ben was too tired to keep up the act. “Just wanted to hear your voice.”
“What- really?”
“Mm hm.”
“Ben, “ Kevin said in a soft voice he rarely used on anyone other than Gwen, “are you ok? Do you want me to come over?”
“No, no, I’m fine.” Ben said in a trembling voice. “You have work. Bellwood’s like, two hours away.”
“I can call in sick.”
“No, it's ok. Really.”
“I’m coming over. See you in two hours. Scratch that- make it 30 minutes.”
“No, you don't-”
Kevin had already hung up.
Ben sighed, then sobbed again. Kevin was so, so nice sometimes, it hurt Ben in the heart. Kevin’s unrelenting kindness made Ben mad at him, in a way. A part of him wished Kevin wouldn’t do the most for him, because the way it made Ben feel truly horrified him. If Kevin was so wonderful to him, he’d be harder to let go when Ben eventually had to. Ben kind of wished Kevin would be mean to make it easier.
Ben sat on the couch and stared out the window, waiting for a green car to come up the driveway. He didn’t know why he was so intent on it, focusing on nothing else, but the thought that Kevin would be here soon made Ben feel a little better at least. It didn’t stop him from worrying about car crashes or sudden alien attacks though. Ben’s parents weren’t home, at least, so that meant he wouldn’t get patted down for drugs later. Ben kind of wished they were, though. Being alone with Kevin always did something to him, made him let his guard down. Maybe his mom constantly hovering to make sure they weren’t shooting up or whatever was better than the alternative.
Exactly thirty minutes later, a green car rolled up the Tennyson’s driveway. Ben rushed to open the door, propping open the door to run to greet Kevin.
“Hey. Someone’s excited to see me.”
Ben stopped short and stuffed his hands in the pockets of his pajama pants, trying to look nonchalant. “Am not. You were the one who came here uninvited.”
“I don’t know…” Kevin said, scratching the back of his neck. “It seemed like you needed someone, and I know your parents aren’t home.”
“Still. How’d you get here so fast?”
“New thrusters from Kinet, got enough horsepower to get around the planet in 60 picoseconds if you try hard enough. Pretty sick, huh?”
“Yeah. Totally.”
“You don't know what any of that means, huh.”
“Nope.”
Kevin laughed. “Didn’t expect you to.”
“Come on in, it’s cold out.”
Kevin followed Ben into the warmth of the house, and Ben could tell he noticed how puffy Ben’s eyes were in the light by the way his face fell. Ben got mad at him for that. He wished he wouldn’t pity him. He didn’t want to be vulnerable in front of Kevin, it’s why he hadn’t wanted Kevin to come. The look on Kevin’s face when Ben was weak in front of him…. it made Ben nauseous, and slightly something else. He tried as hard as he could not to think about it.
“So…. what’s up?”
“Nothing. Watching tv. Sitting around.”
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“You know, I’ve never heard you cry before.”
Ben was startled. “I wasn’t-”
“No, dude, it’s ok. I’m not judging you. Not at all.”
It felt like he was. It felt like he was looking down on Ben. “It wasn’t me, I told you. It was my mom.”
“Your mom’s not home today, dumbass. It’s ok, I told you. I’ve cried in front of you before, you can do it in front of me.”
Fuck, Kevin cared too much about the details of Ben’s life to be fooled by such a shitty lie, and the thouht of the times Kevin had cried in front of him made the tears at the back of Ben’s eyes start welling up again. “I told you. I wasn’t.”
Kevin looked at Ben, concerned. Ben could tell he was waiting for Ben to give in. Ben would not.
Kevin sighed. “C’mere. I’ll make you breakfast.”
“No, you don’t have to-”
“Nuh-uh, no resisting. Let me guess, you haven’t eaten anything that wasn’t a smoothie in what, a week?”
Ben stayed silent because it was true.
“Do you want two eggs or three?”
“It’s fine, you don’t have to.”
“I want to, though.” Kevin smiled at Ben. “Let me take care of you, you fuckin’ baby.”
Ben’s face was so hot he forgot to continue resisting.
He sat on the kitchen island, watching Kevin cook and occasionally pointing to where they kept a pan or an ingredient. “I can only cook breakfast,” Kevin said, “ so this was the perfect time for you to call me.”
“Well at least that’s something. I can’t cook at all.”
“I’ll teach you, when you’re feeling better.”
“You don-”
“Shut up. I’m putting a ban on ‘you don’t have to’s. You’ve gotta pay me a quarter every time you say it from now on.”
“Unfair.”
“Upping it to a dollar just for that. C’mon, dude, what do you have against bros helping bros?”
Everything. Because Ben was a hero, and heroes were the ones people relied on, not the other way around. Because one day, Kevin would leave Ben and never come back, and if Ben relied on him too much, it would hurt all the more. Because if Ben got any scrap of affection from Kevin, he didn’t know if he’d know how to stop wanting more. Ben stayed silent instead of saying any of this though. None of it would have made sense, anyway.
“Here you go.” Kevin said, sliding an omelet over to Ben. “I fucked up the normal eggs so you get an omelet. Feel free to praise me for my cooking skills.”
Ben was too tired to joke back. He took a bite, and wanted to cry again. Just the fact that Kevin had taken the time to make him something made him feel gross and miserable and so, so happy. “It’s delicious.” he whispered.
Kevin looked surprised. “What, really? Thanks, I guess.”
“It’s really good.” Ben repeated. “Really, really.”
A concerned look passed over Kevin’s face, along with something else. A flush in his cheeks. Ben ignored it and continued eating and trying not to cry.
Ben finished his food and rinsed his plate, Kevin following him around the kitchen. “You’re hovering.” Ben said.
“Oh. Sorry.”
“Want to watch TV?”
“Sure.”
They flopped down on the couch, a sufficient foot away from each other. All that was on TV at this time of night were infomercials or reruns of soap operas, so Ben and Kevin just settled on the black and white movie channel. “They always sound like they’re chewing a bunch of gum.” Kevin said, settling in the cushions.
“Says the guy who sounds like he has a constant stuffy nose.”
“Touche.”
Kevin was visibly nervous, fidgeting with his padlock. He looked around at anything other than Ben, then spoke in that soft voice again. “What happened, dude? I’ve never seen you cry before. You’ve never let yourself, I mean. Not in front of me, at least.”
“I don’t cry. I haven't since I was a kid.” Ben said in an equally soft voice.
“Ben.”
“I haven’t. This time was different.”
“What happened?”
Ben stayed silent.
“Why’d you call me at three in the morning?
“I had a dream about you.”
That made Kevin startle. “About me?”
“I have them a lot. Since I was 10.”
“Oh. So it wasn't a good one.” Kevin said, scratching his neck nervously.
“My brain isn’t nice enough to give me happy dreams. Every time I go to sleep I get a nightmare, it’s just a matter of the intensity. And tonight… well. It made me feel things.”
“What was it about?”
“I don’t want to tell you.”
Kevin fell silent, playing with his padlock. Ben bit his lip. He shouldn’t have told him. Now he was worried, and it was all Ben’s fault.
Ben cleared his throat. “Well, I’m ok now. Perfectly fine. You can leave now if you want.”
“I don’t want to.” Kevin said, looking at Ben intently. “You look like shit, like you’re two seconds from either crying or passing out.”
“I’m fine. I’m gonna go to sleep once you leave, anyway.”
“Yeah right.”
“I’m serious.”
“You scrunch up your nose when you lie, you know.”
Ben’s hand flew to his nose. “Shut up.”
Kevin smiled. “You can’t help it, Tennyson. I know your ugly mug like I know the back of my hand.”
Ben’s face got warm again, and he was glad he’d covered his face so Kevin couldn’t see into him any more than he already had. Kevin seemed to realize what he’d said too, and looked away, his cheeks slightly flushed. They sat in silence for another 10 minutes.
Ben broke the silence. “Kevin.”
“Yeah?”
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure. What’s up?”
“What does it feel like? To be mutated, you know?”
Kevin got a pained look on his face. Against his better judgment, Ben continued.
“For me, it’s like a stretch, or kind of , I don't know, a flex of a muscle. Hold as long as possible, then release. But i…. Does it hurt for you? Because you’re not supposed to?”
Kevin was silent, looking down at his shoes. Ben beat himself up for asking the question, and felt tears forming in his eyes again.
“Sorry. Nevermi-”
“No, it’s ok. Just…. It’s complicated.”
Kevin sighed and faced Ben again, but didn’t look him in the eyes. “It feels like when you’ve washed your face too many times and the skin feels stretched too tight over your face, except it’s your whole body. You can feel your organs shifting inside you, feel them growing and shrinking and fusing, it’s like a bout of stomach flu combined with going on a rollercoaster. I think the part that hurts the most is the bones. The ache of growing two feet taller in 10 seconds is really unmatched.”
He picked at some dirt on his shoe. “It’s not the physical shit that hurts the most though, I can deal with pain.” He flicked the dirt away, and Ben pulled his knees up to his chest so he could hide the way his lip was trembling. Kevin continued. “It's the look. You know, the look people give me, when they see what I’ve become. Gwen’s hands over her mouth, my family looking at me like I’m some hideous beast… I guess I am, so it’s warranted, heh. But the one that’s pained me for years…. I remember your face the first time it happened. Clear as day.” Kevin said, finally looking Ben in the eye. “You looked like your world was ending.”
“You were the first.” Ben whispered, his words muffled by his face in his knees. “The first villain that I knew had good in them. Before, I thought in kind of a saturday morning cartoon type of mindset. You know, good is inherently good, bad is inherently bad…. You changed that. I made mistakes, way too many to count.”
“Yeah.” Kevin said. “You did. I did too.”
“I don’t know why I’m talking about this. Sorry. I’m just really fucking tired. This… this talking about your feelings shit, it’s so lame.”
“No no no. Keep going.” Kevin said, leaning in to hear Ben better. They were now right next to each other. “I want to hear you talk.”
“I mean.. You were the first morally gray person I ever had to fight. I mean, I didn’t know that when I was a kid, at least not consciously. I tried to fit you into the evil category in my head, but it never worked. You were so nice to me, for no reward, not knowing anything about me. Even the bad shit was just you trying to do things for me, I think.”
“I was just trying to impress you.” Kevin said. “Kind of. I wanted you to think I was cool. I… I wanted you to stay. By any means necessary.”
“Even when we hated each other and you wanted me dead, I didn't really want that, you know. Fighting you and getting a leg up on you never gave me any joy like the other villains, it just made me feel like I’d done something wrong.”
“I didn’t want you dead,” Kevin said, “ it was complicated. Nuanced, some may say. Of course, I wanted you to suffer. I wanted you dead. I kept repeating that thought in my head, but it started to lack substance. I couldn’t help but think about you in the Null Void, no matter how much I resented you for putting me in there. I thought of you every day, fantasized about being the one to finally beat you…it turned into something else. You were kind of like an imaginary friend, heh. And as I got older, my thoughts started to drift… other places.”
“Other… places?”
Kevin sighed. “A couple months ago. My second mutation, the one where at least I looked slightly human. I started to think… it would have been better. If you had won. Put me down, as you’d say later.”
“I would never. Not in a million years.” Ben whispered into his knees.
Kevin looked resentful for a second. “Yeah, right. And then you tried to kill me the next time it happened.”
Ben stayed silent.
Kevin continued. “Even when I fully mutated, I still thought about it. You wanted so bad, and… the energy, it doesn’t just amplify your anger, it makes you hate yourself. It makes you want to consume and destroy everything in your path, including your body, your mind. There were points where I thought about just letting you. I wasn’t worthy, anyway. Not of Gwen, not of my family…. This was how most things ended in stories, I guess. I was always kind of your greatest enemy.” Kevin smiled and it looked painful for him. “ I guess I’ve also got a saturday morning cartoon morality going.”
Ben shoved his face into his legs so Kevin couldn't see his eyes filling with tears. He was so, so tired and so, so miserable and all he wanted right now was to wrap Kevin in a hug and tell him that he would never hurt him again, but he knew he couldn’t, and he knew that would be a lie. Instead, he stayed silent.
“Anyway, I'm glad I'm better now. I’m glad we’re friends again, even if it took 5 years. Who else would pay for all my meals?” Kevin said, trying to bring Ben out from his turtle shell. “You know…. I couldn’t get you to kill me, but at least…. at least you make me better. You make me more deserving of life, if that makes sense.”
Ben sniffled.
“Sorry, that was- that was a joke. I didn’t mean it. Fuck, I suck at this…”
Ben stayed silent. People’s emotions were extremely difficult for him to respond to, and he felt as if Kevin had just revealed a very personal part of himself with Ben, one he probably had never shown anyone. Kevin’s words about not deserving love blared in his ears over and over. That wasn't true, Ben thought. Kevin was the person most deserving of love in the entire world. Ben just wished he could give it to him.
He raised his head, tears still streaming down his face, his words barely audible through his sobs. “You deserve it, without me. More than me. You’re better than me, Kevin. I’d never build a car for my best friend, or fight through galvanic mechamorphs, or forgive 3 whole months of ridicule and violence just because I said one shitty sorry. You’re good, more than me.” Ben sobbed. “You're so good, it makes me hate you. That’s how much I suck.”
“You don’t suck, man. You're the greatest hero the universe has ever seen.” Kevin looked uncomfortable with Ben's sudden tears, but the pained look on his face betrayed something else. He reached towards Ben but doubled back, unsure in his movements. Ben had never cried in front of Kevin, or really anyone else, and Kevin looked like he was unsure how to proceed, unable to give Ben the comfort he needed due to the unspoken boundaries of their relationship. Kevin settled for a hand on Ben’s shoulder. “It’s ok, dude. I think you’re good.”
Ben continued sobbing, his urge to jump into Kevin’s arms for any semblance of comfort or safety growing by the moment, but he knew he couldn’t, he could never. No matter how much he wanted it, they could never be capable of that. Ben could never lean his head on Kevin’s shoulder and feel safe enough to sleep there, and he’d never be able to cry into his chest and eel like his trust would never be betrayed. Even if it was Kevin. Ben couldn't find safety in anyone if he wanted to remain safe himself.
Oh, but he was so desperate for anything, any modicum of compassion from the other boy. Ben leaned into the hand on his shoulder, putting his cheek on the back of Kevin’s hand, trying not to think about how close it was to his neck. At least he had the excuse that he was sleep deprived, and in the morning Ben could excuse it as a one time thing, and they’d never talk about it again. But now, Kevin’s hand was warm against his cheek, and Ben sobbed like he was all alone.
The sun peeked through the blinds of the Tennyson’s living room, and Kevin removed his hand from Ben's shoulder. Ben almost reached for it, almost took it into his own and pressed Kevin’s palm to his cheek, but he was too busy wiping his tears off with his shirt.
“I gotta go, dude. Gotta be at work by 7.”
“Oh.”
“I can call in sick if you want.”
“No, no. Go to work, I’ll be fine. I’ll call Gwen. She’ll babysit me.”
Kevin laughed, then became serious again. “You sure? This is what sick days are for, you know.”
Ben smiled, but he didn’t know if it was very convincing. “Go. I’ll be fine. I’m tough, remember?”
Kevin looked tiredly at Ben, then sighed. “Ok. Fine. I’ll call you when I get off, ok? And I'll see you whenever I can get off next.”
“Yeah…. Yeah.” Ben said, looking away. “You want some food for the road?”
“I’ll eat on the way.”
They stood awkwardly next to each other for a second until Ben stood up. “I’ll walk you out.”
Ben trailed behind Kevin, and the usual post-hangout anxiety started to settle in. What if the next time Ben saw Kevin was a month from now, or he was injured, or he hated him again? What if Kevin died in a work accident, or a scuffle with one of his contacts, or from choking on gum or something? What if Kevin and Gwen decided they wanted to move farther away, so far that Ben wouldn’t be able to see them normally? What if this was the last time Ben ever saw Kevin again?
“Well,” Kevin said, “see you la-”
Ben grabbed Kevin by the waist and threw his arms around him. Kevin was warm and soft and smelled so wonderful, and Ben had just broken the rules, but he didn’t care in the slightest.
“Ben? What are you-”
“Let me have this. Please.” Ben said, the last part coming out as more of a sob than a word.
He buried his face in Kevin’s shirt, squeezing him as hard as he could. This was probably the last time he’d get anything like this. It was always the last time in his head. Kevin’s hands shakily hovered Ben’s waist, reluctant to touch him more and further break the rules, and Ben wanted him to so badly, they were more Ben’s rules than Kevin’s, but he didn’t, and let his arms drop to his sides.
Ben knew he was holding Kevin up, but he didn’t care. Everything about Kevin made him want to be selfish, so why stop now? Why ever stop? Maybe he could indulge more, see how far he could go before Kevin finally got sick of him. He listened for Kevin’s heartbeat and found it, and the choked up feeling in the back of his throat returned.
Ben realized this was going on for too long and broke away. “Sorry. Must be the sleep deprivation, huh.”
Kevin looked like someone had just slapped him in the face and ran, hands still hovering as if Ben was still there.“You….you’ve never done that before.”
“Sorry. I won’t do it again, I promise, I just….” Ben couldn’t think of a good excuse. “I just really, really wanted to.”
“No, no, it’s ok. Completely ok. I, um… wouldn’t mind if you did it again.”
“Oh.”
Kevin looked like he really, really didn’t want to leave, but he looked out into the darkness and then back at Ben, digging his car keys out of his pocket. “I’ve gotta go, Ben. Unless you want me to stay.”
Yes. Yes, so so much. “No, it’s ok. I’ll be fine, I told you.”
“Call me. Please.”
“I will. Promise.”
Kevin walked out into the darkness, then doubled back, walking up to Ben a final time.
“What’s up this time?”
“Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I- I love you a lot, dude. I hope you sleep well tonight."
Ben knew his jaw was on the floor. Kevin grabbed his hand and squeezed. "Be safe, ok?"
"Of course. Um- text me when you get into work."
"I will. Ok, bye, finally now."
Ben laughed. "Bye."
Ben stood on the porch, his feet cooled by the concrete, as he watched Kevin get into his car, start it up, and drive away. Ben watched him disappear into the darkness and stood out on the porch until long after Kevin was gone.
