Archive of Our Own

Something was going on with Max.

She wasn’t acting like herself. As the months had passed since the battle at Starcourt, she had grown quieter and more withdrawn. She’d also become moody and prone to snapping at people, which was not abnormal for her, but somehow it felt different — it was less angry, and more…sad. And, most notably, she had all but stopped hanging out with the Party outside of school. The only person she spent any time with at all was El, and even that was happening less and less.

It hadn’t taken long for Will to take note of the change and grow concerned. It was subtle, at first, but it became more and more obvious as time went on. Max was normally so loud and full of life, and now it was like she was a shell of herself. Something was clearly going on. He was very worried for his friend, but he didn’t know what to do about it because Max refused to talk about it. Every time they tried to ask her about it, Max either yelled at them or brushed them off like there was nothing wrong.

After trying a few times, Mike and Dustin seemed to realize the futility of continuing to ask, and they’d stopped bothering her about it and were just pretending everything was fine. And Lucas was scared to push her too much and upset her, especially after she’d broken up with him, so his questions had slowed down, too.

But Will and El knew there was something going on that she didn’t want to talk about, and they were very concerned. And they didn’t want to give up yet. El hated seeing her best friend like this. And Will couldn’t help but feel like he’d seen this kind of behavior before, in himself and people close to him, and he wanted to help.

Some days for Max were worse than others. On that particular day, Will had noticed Max looking more tired and acting more hostile than usual at school. He and El were discussing it as they walked across the parking lot to Jonathan’s car at the end of the day.

“I am worried about Max,” El said.

“Me too. She seemed worse than normal today,” Will remarked.

“I agree.”

“The way she snapped at Dustin was really troubling.”

“I think she was upset about something. She was crying earlier today.”

“Oh, wait, is that why you followed her into the bathroom?”

El nodded. “I stood with her and tried to make her feel better.”

“And she let you?”

“Yes. And we talked.”

Will was surprised. “Really?” Then, cautiously, he asked, “Were you able to get anything out of her?”

Over the past week or so, Will and El had been on a mission to dig some information out of Max to figure out what was going on, and eventually try to figure out a way to help her. Most of that responsibility fell to El, since she was the only one Max talked to at all anymore.

“A little,” El said.

A little was more than nothing, and it was more than anything they’d gotten out of her to this point, so Will would take any kind of progress. “What’d she say?”

“Well, do you remember how she had to move to the trailer?”

“Yeah.”

“She told me they had to do that because her step-dad left.”

This was news to Will. “What, he just up and left them?”

El nodded. “She tried to act like it was a good thing because she did not like him, but…she did not seem happy.”

“That sucks.” Will knew what it was like to have a dad that just left. It wasn’t fun, even if you didn’t like him. “Did she say anything else?”

“Mostly she talked about how much she hates the trailer,” El said. “She called it a bunch of bad words. And she says she hates it because it is small and it does not have air conditioning.”

Will had to admit, that did not sound pleasant. But there was no way that was the only thing taking a toll on Max. “Was there anything else she said was bothering her?”

“No. After that she said she didn’t want to talk anymore and she ran out of the bathroom.”

By now, they had reached Jonathan’s car. Will leaned up against the side of it and let out a weary breath. His heart felt particularly heavy. “I really want to help her.”

El leaned on the car next to Will. “Me too.”

“But I don’t know what to do.”

“Me either.”

Neither of them knew what else to say after that, with both of their moods being brought down by their collective worry. So they simply stood there in silence until they saw Jonathan approaching the car.

“Hey, guys, how was your day?”

Will and El looked at each other, and Will answered for them with a terse, “Fine.”

Jonathan noticed the tension, but he chose not to mention it. “Alright then. Come on, let’s go.”

Jonathan got behind the wheel while Will got into the passenger seat and El climbed in the back. They drove for a few minutes before Jonathan broke the silence.

“So what’s going on? You two look like you’re in a bit of a dark mood.”

Will looked up at the rearview mirror and made eye contact with El, and they came to a silent agreement.

“We’re worried about Max,” Will said. “She hasn’t been acting like herself. We think she’s been having…a hard time.”

El nodded in agreement from the backseat.

“We don’t know what exactly is going on. She doesn’t want to talk to any of us,” Will continued.

Jonathan thought for a moment. “Well, her brother died, yeah?”

“Step-brother,” Will corrected. “And she and her mom also had to move to the trailer park.”

“Well…if she’s having a hard time, that’s not very surprising. I mean, her sibling being gone, having to endure a bunch of big, unpleasant life changes…trust me, that can be a lot to deal with,” Jonathan said softly.

Suddenly, Will had a realization.

Maybe Max didn’t want to talk to the Party, but maybe she’d talk to someone else — someone who could better relate to how she was feeling.

And Will knew someone, someone very close to him, who had been through some similar experiences to Max, who would understand what was going on.

And maybe, just maybe, he might be able to help her.

The next day, Will went looking for Max before class started. He didn’t actually know exactly how early she usually got here or where she’d be, because she didn’t spend time with them before class anymore, but he was determined to find her. He’d search the whole school if he had to. He really needed to talk to her.

He eventually found her in the library, sitting on a couch in the back corner reading the book they’d been assigned for English class. This was perfect. Since they were in the library, she was much less likely to yell at him and make a scene, and maybe she’d even listen to him. He had to take advantage of this opportunity now while he had it.

Will went and sat down next to her. “Hey, Max.”

Max immediately whipped her head towards him, her eyes narrowing into slits. “Will, what are you doing here?” she whispered in an accusatory tone.

“I have something to say to you,” Will said firmly but gently. He took a deep breath to build up his strength, looked her in the eyes, and said to her, “Max, I know that something’s wrong.”

Max opened her mouth, probably to protest or tell him to fuck off, but he cut her off before she could get a word out.

“Please, just let me finish. Please.” He waited, and eventually she relented, sitting back in her seat and allowing Will to continue. “I know there’s something going on with you, and you don’t want to tell us about it, because you’re afraid we won’t understand or because you don’t want to burden us. And, I get it. I really do. But we want to help you. And, as your friend, it’s been frustrating that you haven’t let us. But, maybe we’re not what you need.” Max gave him a quizzical look. “What I’m trying to say is, if you’re having a hard time, and you’re looking for someone to talk to…I think you should talk to Jonathan.”

This clearly wasn’t what she’d been expecting him to say. “Jonathan?” she questioned.

He nodded. “I think you’ve got a lot more in common than you might think. He’ll…understand some things that the rest of us won’t. And he’s a really good listener.”

“I’m not just gonna talk to your brother. That’s weird.”

“Just consider it. Please. I trust Jonathan more than anyone, and I really think talking to him might help.”

For just a brief flicker of a moment, Max’s gaze softened, like maybe she was thinking about it; it even looked like she was going to say something to Will about it. But then she must’ve changed her mind, because her face hardened right back up, and she scoffed at him.

“Whatever, Will.”

And before Will could say anything else, the bell rang, and Max quickly gathered up her stuff and made a beeline out of the library, leaving Will in the dust.

Will let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. That was his one shot, and he’d done all he could.

Now all he could do was just pray that she would listen.

Max gripped the edge of the bathroom sink, trying to control her hyperventilating.

She’d had one again. One of those visions, clear in front of her like she was watching a movie. She saw Billy, being killed by that monster, the life leaving him as all she could do was stand to the side and stare.

Seeing that vision had terrified her and made her panic, sending her running out of the hallway and into the thankfully-empty school bathroom, where she stood heaving and gulping for air, hoping her lungs would remember how to work again.

When her heartbeat slowed down and she was able to catch her breath once more, the panic gave way to sadness, and she started to cry, letting out huge, uncontrollable sobs that wracked her whole body. She hated crying at school, and she tried to avoid it, but sometimes it became too much, and she couldn’t stop it.

It had been like this for months. The unending pain and grief and guilt that she could never get away from, no matter where she went or what she did. It hit her in surges, sometimes feeling like a dull ache in her heart, and sometimes feeling like a huge wave that was going to consume her. And it was growing unbearable. She knew she couldn’t keep randomly bursting into tears or having panic attacks in the middle of a school day and expect to keep herself together, even though she was barely managing that anyway. She needed to do something, but she didn’t know what.

She supposed she could go to the guidance counselor again, but those visits always felt useless. She couldn’t tell them everything for obvious reasons, so they didn’t understand what was going on and couldn’t really help her. And she couldn’t go to her friends either, that was a non-option. They didn’t understand what she was going through in her mind and at home, and they would just look at her with pity, which was the last thing she wanted.

This is hopeless, she thought to herself as her tears spattered onto the sink in front of her. She was doomed to forever suffer in silence until her grief won. There was no one out there who would understand everything, no one out there who could help her.

Well, actually, maybe not no one.

She suddenly remembered what Will had said to her the other day about talking to Jonathan. It felt like such a ridiculous suggestion. How could Jonathan of all people help her? How could he possibly know what she was going through? Besides, she wasn’t sure if she’d ever directly spoken a word to him. And he wasn’t the most social of people. What kind of help could he be?

But then she thought about it. Really thought about it. She didn’t know Jonathan all that well, but she considered what she did know about him. She knew he had helped Nancy with an article of some kind exposing the Lab last year, and that apparently he and Nancy had worked together to hunt down and fight the Demogorgon the year before. And she’d seen firsthand the lengths he was willing to go to in order to help the people he cared about: he’d done everything in his power to get the Mind Flayer out of Will last year, and he had helped them with their mission to figure out how to defeat the Flayed army this past summer, even doing some things the rest of them weren’t willing to do; Max remembered very vividly how he hadn’t hesitated to cut open El’s leg to get that piece of the Mind Flayer out of her.

The one thing that she’d really noticed about Jonathan in all her time knowing him was that he always seemed to be helping people, which Will’s stories seemed to back up. Will was always saying that Jonathan was the best big brother ever, and that he was always looking out for him and helping him and listening when he had a problem. Max didn’t have any reason not to believe that.

Jonathan was reserved and quiet, he was always levelheaded and kept his calm during a crisis, and he seemed trustworthy. And, according to Will, they had more in common than she thought. What that was exactly, he didn’t say, but it was apparently enough that he thought that them talking about it would benefit Max.

Max didn’t really want to talk to anyone about what she was feeling, but if she was going to talk to someone, then he might not be a bad choice. What other option was there? With her emotions raw as they were, she was feeling a desperate need for someone to make it better, and she found herself willing to latch onto any option her mind deemed feasible.

She glanced down at her watch. It was the end of the school day; the final bell had rung about five minutes ago. She knew exactly where Jonathan would be: at his car, or on his way to it. If she was going to do this, she was going to do it now. Her desire to reach out to another human was fleeting, and she knew if she didn’t act now, it might never come back again.

So she made her decision, and before she had a chance to change her mind, she went into action.

She barged out of the bathroom, left the school, and marched over to Jonathan’s car at the far side of the parking lot. She didn’t hesitate before yanking open the car door and throwing herself into the passenger seat next to Jonathan, who was currently sitting behind the wheel.

“Hey, guys, how was—” He stopped when he turned and saw who was beside him. “Max?”

“I need to talk to you,” she stated, her voice much shakier than she would’ve liked. She wiped the lingering tears off her face.

Another person might have yelled at her for just getting into their car uninvited, or they might have denied her request and told her to get out. But Jonathan didn’t. He took in the redness of her eyes that gave away how badly she’d just been crying, along with the desperation and misery on her face, and his eyes filled with concern. She kind of expected him to question her, to ask why she wanted to talk to him, but instead, he just nodded. “Okay. We can talk.”

He agreed so quickly and without argument that she suddenly felt the need to further explain herself. She sniffled. “Will said…Will said I should talk to you.”

“Yeah, he mentioned that you might reach out.”

Of course Will predicted what she was going to do before she herself even knew. Sometimes that boy could be so perceptive it was scary.

“Did you want to talk now?” Jonathan asked.

“Yeah, but…can we go somewhere else?” The thought of doing this at school, where anyone could potentially see or overhear, sounded like a nightmare.

“Sure. I…” Jonathan trailed off as he looked out the back window, something behind the car catching his eye. “Hang on. I’ll be right back,” he said as he hurriedly got out of the car, leaving the door open behind him.

Wondering what could’ve caused him to leave so abruptly, Max turned her head and peered out the back window to see Will and El quickly approaching the car. Jonathan strode right up to them, stopping them before they could get any closer.

“Go catch a ride with Nancy today,” Jonathan directed, his tone leaving no room for negotiation.

Will’s eyebrows knit in confusion while El slowly blinked at him. “What do you mean?” she asked.

“Get Nancy to take you home, tell her I sent you. Or call Steve, I don’t care. I can’t take you guys home right now.”

Will seemed very skeptical. “Why?”

“Will.” Jonathan looked at him seriously, like he was trying to communicate something without speaking. “I need you guys to go.”

Will didn’t seem to get it at first, but then his eyes darted over to the car and spotted Max. Then he understood.

He took El’s arm. “Come on, El, let’s go find Nancy.”

Will led El back in the direction of the school. As soon as they were out of sight, Jonathan got back in the car and closed the door behind him. He turned to Max.

“I’ll drive you home. Is there a place we can talk there?”

“There’s a picnic table in the trailer park. On a little platform, with, like, a canopy over it.”

“Sounds good to me.” He turned the key to start the car.

“Can I…can I play my music on the drive over?” she asked hesitantly.

“Sure. Just don’t forget to take your tape out when you leave.”

As Jonathan pulled out of the parking lot, Max opened the tape deck and replaced the mixtape that was previously in there with her own tape. She relaxed as the familiar sound of Kate Bush filled the car, settling in as they got out on the road.

Neither of them said a word the entire drive. Jonathan wasn’t talkative, and he didn’t try to push any kind of conversation or small talk, which Max appreciated. She knew if it were Steve driving her he would’ve chattered the whole ride just to fill the space, which at the very least would’ve given Max a headache. Luckily, Jonathan didn’t appear to share Steve’s need to hear the sound of his own voice and was perfectly comfortable saying nothing, which was a relief to Max. These days, Max didn’t want to do any more talking than she had to, and she knew they were going to be doing plenty of talking real soon, so she’d gladly take the silence for now.

When they arrived at the trailer park, Jonathan pulled up and parked on the side of the dirt road across from the picnic table. Then they got out of the car and took a seat across from each other at the table, neither of them speaking for a few moments.

Jonathan was looking at her patiently but expectantly. She knew he was probably waiting for her to initiate conversation, since she was the one who’d gone to him for help. But now that they were sitting here, she really didn’t want to take the first step. She would have much preferred he start with a lead-in question that she could respond to. That would have made her look far less desperate, and it would’ve been a lot less daunting. She didn’t want to admit it, but she was scared. She was scared that if she put herself out there, he wouldn’t give her the support she was looking for. She didn’t want to be the one to metaphorically reach out her hand and risk him not taking it. Him offering his hand to her as a lifeline to grab would have been much less scary.

But, by the looks of it, he wasn’t going to budge. And she knew he could probably outwait her on the whole “not talking” thing. So it was going to have to be her to break the silence, as much as she didn’t like it.

Max crossed her arms over her chest, automatically taking a defensive approach. “I don’t even know why I’m doing this. This feels stupid.”

“Why, ‘cause of me?”

“No, not you. Talking about it at all feels stupid.”

“Talking about what?”

Max knew what he was doing. He was trying to make her spell it out for him, to say it herself, which she hated. Even though she probably needed to say it herself and voice it aloud for her own sanity. Dammit. She huffed. “Well, I’m sure Will and El have told you that I’ve been a little…moody lately.”

“Yeah, they said something of the sort.”

“And they’ve all been trying to like figure out what’s wrong with me, which is really annoying because there’s nothing wrong with me, and I’m tired of them constantly asking and it makes me want to scream.”

“They’re just worried about you.”

“But I don’t want to be worried over! I want to be left alone!”

Jonathan didn’t respond immediately to her outburst. He just looked at her for a moment; his expression was unreadable, and Max wasn’t sure how to gauge him.

Finally he spoke. “You know, I often think I want to be left alone. I don’t want to tell anybody my problems, because they’re my problems, not anybody else’s. I don’t want to bother anyone with them. I don’t want to be a bother. It’s just so much easier to keep everything to yourself and try to quietly fade into the background and hope nobody sees you. Right?”

Max felt a jolt go through her, because that was exactly what she was trying to do. It was a little eerie, hearing her exact feelings come out of someone else’s mouth. She slowly lowered her arms from her chest. “Right,” she said. “But it’s not just that I don’t want to be a bother. It’s…”

“It’s what?”

She shook her head. “They don’t understand,” she said quietly. “My friends don’t understand. No one understands.”

“So why are you talking to me?”

“Because Will said you would understand. He said we’ve got more in common than I think, but wouldn’t say what.” She exhaled. “I don’t know. No offense, but I can’t really see how you’d relate to me.”

Jonathan leaned in slightly, his gaze gentle and reassuring. “Try me.”

Max bit her lip. She’d decided to do this for a reason. Something in her gut had told her to trust him, even if she wasn’t sure why. Will didn’t give out advice like that unless he really thought you should listen. And his intuitions were usually correct; she just had to trust that he knew what he was talking about. And she really hoped that he did, because she wanted so badly for someone to understand. She was tired of feeling alone.

She took a very, very deep breath, gathering up every ounce of strength that she had.

“My step-dad left us.” She just went out and said it, ripping the bandaid off quickly. She didn’t have the courage to look Jonathan in the eye as she talked about this, so she kept her eyes pointed down. “He and my mom started fighting a lot. And he couldn’t stand to be here anymore, so he just left. And honestly, I’m glad it happened, because he was awful, and I hated him. But…Because he left, we couldn’t afford to stay in our house. He took a lot of the money, and his source of income went away with him. So we had to move to this wonderful neighborhood.” She gestured to the trailer park around them. “And…I fucking hate living here. I hate it so much. The trailer is so small and it’s dirty and stuff breaks all the time and there’s no AC, and when people learn you live in a trailer they look at you like you’re trash. And every minute here is misery. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I fucking hate my step-dad for leaving, because it royally fucked us over, but at the same time, I think I would’ve hated it more if he’d stayed.” She blinked and then shook her head. “Ugh, that probably didn’t make any damn sense.”

Jonathan didn’t say anything right away. In fact, he didn’t say anything for a while, which made Max start to worry. Was he wondering what in the world was wrong with her? Was he going to tell her she had a sorry, miserable life and there was nothing he could do to help her? Or maybe he just didn’t understand her thoughts, which admittedly contradicted themselves. But when she finally looked up at him, she didn’t see confusion on his face like she’d expected. If she wasn’t mistaken, she saw something that resembled recognition.

“How much has Will told you about our dad?” he finally asked.

Max shrugged. “Not a lot. He doesn’t like to talk about it. Just that he was kind of a lousy dad, and he’s not around anymore.”

“Well, that is true, he’s not around anymore. I think I was about your age when he finally left us. Frankly, I wish he’d left sooner. When Will says he was lousy that is a fucking understatement.”

Max was a little surprised to hear such strong language from him; from what she’d seen, he didn’t curse nearly as much as Nancy or Steve or Robin, or even the boys. Which meant that he felt pretty strongly about this. “What do you mean?”

“I mean if I had the opportunity to hit him with my car I wouldn’t hesitate.”

Her eyes went wide. “Geez. Violent much?”

“It’s what he deserves,” Jonathan bit out with a shocking amount of venom. He took a deep breath. “My father used to call Will names. Horrible, awful names. No one should say names like that to anyone, but a father especially shouldn’t say them to his own son. The ridicule was constant. He loved berating us and making fun of us, it was like a game to him. He hated that we weren’t exactly what he envisioned in his dreams, that we weren’t mirror images of him. We weren’t tough enough, or strong enough, or mean enough, or manly enough. Anything he deemed effeminate was unacceptable and subject to torment. I got a lot of heat, too, but he loved picking on Will. Will’s so kind and sensitive, and back then especially he had a hard time standing up for himself, which just made it that much easier for our father to bully him. But his insults and verbal harassment were not nearly the worst part of it.”

Something about the sudden change in Jonathan’s tone made a chill go down Max’s spine. Whatever had happened, it was not good at all. “What did he do?”

“Nothing to Will. Or to Mom.”

“What about you?”

This time it was Jonathan who looked away. “He used to hit me.”

Max had no idea it had been that bad in the Byers household. Either Will had egregiously downplayed how terrible their father was, or he didn’t know the half of it, likely because Jonathan had protected him from it. “He did?”

Jonathan paused, looking uncomfortable. “You know about my fight with Steve?”

“Yeah, everyone says you beat the absolute shit out of him.”

His face twisted into a grim expression. “How do you think I got so good at fighting?”

Max felt sick to her stomach when she realized what that meant. “That’s awful.”

“Had to learn how to fight back against my dad eventually.” He cringed at the memory. “He used to say that hitting me was good for my manhood or whatever the fuck. And he wanted me to fight him back. He got some sort of sick satisfaction out of it. I think in his horrible, twisted mind, that was his version of teaching me to be a man, and if I was successfully able to fight back, it meant that he’d done his job, and that he was a good father. Hate to break it to you, Lonnie, but if you hit your kid that automatically makes you a bad parent, no matter what else you do.” He stopped and took a breath to prevent himself from getting too worked up.

Max had never met Lonnie Byers, but he sounded like a shitstain of a human being. Actually, she realized, he sounded very similar to Neil Hargrove.

Max hadn’t been planning on saying anything beyond her initial statement about her step-dad leaving, but listening to Jonathan share what had happened to him, she felt compelled to share more. “Neil never hit me, or my mom. But I know he hit Billy. And put him down, and called him names,” she said. “And Billy wasn’t kind to me like you are to Will. He took out his frustrations on me. A lot.”

Jonathan nodded in understanding. “I’m sorry that happened to you, and that you didn’t have anyone looking out for you. Living in a home that doesn’t always feel safe can be really fucking stressful.”

Max had never thought about it in those terms before, but yeah, she supposed that’s what it had felt like. A home that didn’t always feel safe. She could certainly recall nights where she had been very afraid that something might happen to her, or to her mom.

“Is that how you felt?” Max asked quietly.

“Sometimes,” Jonathan admitted. “Lonnie was passed out in a drunken stupor about seventy-five percent of the time, which was somehow preferable to when he wasn’t. At least I knew he wasn’t gonna do anything if he was passed out. But when he wasn’t, it was just an endless game of ‘what’s going to set him off today?’ or ‘what is he going to choose to harass us about this time?’ Because it was always something with him. And after well over a decade of enduring it and protecting Will from him, I just grew so fucking tired of his bullshit.” He shook his head. “I remember the day he left very clearly. I almost physically kicked him out the door, I was that eager for him to be gone. Will was upset, though. He was, like, ten, and he saw some good in our dad that wasn’t there, so he didn’t see it as an abusive asshole finally out of our lives, but as a parent abandoning him. It was a very sad time for Will, but I was so fucking glad to see him go. Even though it definitely fucked us over and I hate him for it.”

Max was amazed, because that was exactly how she felt about what was going on in her life right now. It seemed that Jonathan understood precisely the sort of conflicting emotions she was experiencing.

“I think your dad and my step-dad would’ve gotten along.”

Jonathan let out a bitter laugh with no humor behind it. “Let’s thank our lucky stars that meeting never happened.”

Max shifted in her seat. Her brain was stuck on something Jonathan said; he’d used the same words she had: “fucked over.” That could mean a lot of things, but suddenly she felt the need to know what that was referring to; she had to know if they were coming from the same place. “You said your dad leaving fucked you over. What…what do you mean by that?”

“Besides cementing our status as the town outcasts? Mainly money,” Jonathan answered. “Money was already tight, but him leaving just made it worse. Mom was really stressed about everything, she worried constantly about how she was going to make things work. I got a job literally as soon as I was able to so I could help bring in more money for the house. I felt like I had to.”

Yeah, that pretty much sounded like her current situation. “My mom has to work two jobs just to make ends meet,” she said. “And we get by, but she’s barely around. And when she is, she’s so tired. All she wants to do is drink or sleep. And like, I get it, she works really hard, and she only has so much time and energy in the day. But at the same time, I feel like…because she’s never home, I feel…it feels like…”

“It feels like you have to be the adult now?”

Jonathan had hit the fucking nail on the head. Yes, that was exactly how she felt. For the first time in a long time, she felt seen. Understood. Tears pricked at her eyes as she nodded. “I have to make my own meals. I have to clean the house, even though it’s not that big, and do all the chores, and I have to do everything for myself now. She barely pays attention to me anymore. And it sucks.”

“Mom was the same. She had to work all the time too so we could get by. She wasn’t around a lot. I think I made about two-thirds of the meals for Will and myself when I was in grades seven through ten. I had to basically learn how to run the household, and I kind of had to step in and act like a bit of a parent to Will for a while, because Mom was so busy working and there was no one else there for us.” Jonathan gazed off into the distance for a moment, a nostalgic but sad look on his face. “The day our father left, Will and I built Castle Byers in the woods behind our house. Will needed it to distract him from his sadness that day. And it was a lot of fun, but that memory is very bittersweet for me, because that was the last day I ever felt like a kid. Building the fort for Will to enjoy was the final goodbye to my childhood.”

Now Max was starting to understand why Will revered Jonathan the way he did. He was much closer to his brother than any of her other friends were to their siblings, and he’d always spoken incredibly highly of him. She didn’t realize Jonathan had actually had a pretty big hand in raising him. He did so much for him, and he always made sure to look out for him and make his life easier even at the expense of himself. And while Max didn’t have a younger sibling of her own to look after, Jonathan’s words resonated with her. What he’d said about his childhood being over was incredibly sad, but it was something she unfortunately related to all too well.

“None of my friends understand what it’s like for me now. They’ve never had to step up and be responsible in that way,” she said. “Mike and Lucas are fucking rich, and they have both their parents. Dustin’s mom is so caring, and she literally does it all. And Will has you and Joyce, who’s like the best mom ever. They don’t know how hard it is. I feel so exhausted, and hopeless, and I feel so…alone. You know?”

“Yes. I do know,” Jonathan said softly. “It feels like just you against the world. Like every single thing is trying to beat you down. And people don’t get it. They don’t get that you have to think about money and spend your time doing stuff you need to for your family, and you don’t have the freedom to think about some of the regular kid and teen stuff. Even Nancy, who I love with all my heart, doesn’t quite get it sometimes. And it’s frustrating when your friends don’t understand.”

“But you understand,” Max pointed out. “You know that this kind of situation is hard and that it fucking sucks.”

“Yeah. It does suck,” he said, compassion in his voice. “I’m sorry, Max. I wouldn’t wish the kind of thing I’ve had to go through on anyone, and I’m sorry that you have to. And if you’re having a hard time because of that, I get it. It’s not easy.”

She didn’t think it was possible to be seen and understood so clearly, and to not get sympathy but empathy. And because of this, she made the decision to trust him with the other thing, the thing she had kept buried deep that she hadn’t wanted to tell anyone. He might not understand like he had the rest of it, but he’d at least be kind about it.

“Actually, that’s not the only reason I’m having a hard time.” Max took a deep breath. “There is…one other thing. Something that I haven’t told anyone about, that’s just making me feel…like shit.”

Jonathan could tell from her shift in tone that whatever she was about to say was something of great significance. He sat up at attention, still being mindful to keep his demeanor calm and level. “What is it?”

She swallowed hard. “Billy. I can’t stop thinking about Billy.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. “He died. He’s dead, because of that…that thing. And it’s all my fault,” she got out, fighting back against that tight, choking feeling in her throat.

If she had said this to any of her friends, they would have immediately scrambled to insist it wasn’t her fault and tried to make her feel better. She kind of expected Jonathan to do the same, but he didn’t.

“Why is it your fault?”

“Because he died saving El!” she cried, tears welling in her eyes. “And I just…I just stood there and watched it happen. I was frozen and didn’t do anything and he died because of it. And I feel so fucking guilty. I can’t sleep because of it. I keep seeing it over and over again in my mind. It haunts me. And I keep replaying it, trying to do it differently, seeing if I can save him this time. Because if I’d just done anything, then maybe he’d be alive.” She wiped at her eyes. “I don’t expect you to get it. But it’s how I feel.”

Jonathan was quiet again for a moment. “You know I thought I lost Will twice? And both times I was convinced it was my fault.”

“What? No way it was your fault. You’re like, big brother of the year.”

There was a haunted look in his eye. “When Will got taken into the Upside Down, I was supposed to be home. Usually Mom and I would split our shifts so that at least one of us was home for Will. But on that night, I picked up an extra shift because we needed the money. So when Will got home from Mike’s, he was alone. And then the Demogorgon came for him and got him right in the shed in our backyard.”

Max hadn’t known the full details of the initial vanishing; that was definitely something that Will did not talk about. But that sounded awful to go through, for both Will and for Jonathan. If that had been her in Jonathan’s shoes, she would’ve blamed herself, too.

“You can imagine I felt just terrible. And those first couple days after he went missing, I was just destroying myself with guilt. If only I’d been there, then maybe he wouldn’t have gone missing. And when I learned what had actually happened, I thought if only I’d been there, then maybe I could’ve prevented the monster from taking him. And then when the dead body showed up…I don’t think I’ve ever been lower than I was in those few days when I thought Will had actually died. I wasn’t home, and now my brother was dead because of it.”

Lucas had told her about the fake dead body the Lab had tried to pass off as Will. Knowing that Will had ended up being okay, she’d kind of glossed over the fact that Will was officially deemed dead for a few days. She hadn’t really thought in detail what that whole experience would have been like for his friends, and especially for his family. She imagined that Jonathan felt…well, she imagined he felt similarly to how she was feeling now about Billy.

“And then the next year, when the Mind Flayer possessed him, I wasn’t here for any of that,” Jonathan continued. “I had no idea any of that was going on, and then I went off with Nancy to try and expose the Lab. And when I got back, my brother was possessed by a monster. And I wasn’t here to help. I kept thinking if I was here, maybe I could’ve done something, anything. Maybe he’d be alright, maybe this wouldn’t be happening.”

“Jonathan, I saw him. I’m not sure there’s anything more you could’ve done to help him.”

“I know. But that didn’t stop me from getting overwhelmed by guilt. If we had lost Will either of those times, I would have never, ever forgiven myself.”

“Neither of those were your fault,” Max told him.

Jonathan gave her a tiny little grin. “Look who’s talking.”

Max stiffened. Oh, he turned that around on her real good. She felt like she’d been tricked somehow, and she didn’t like it. She steeled her jaw and crossed her arms over her chest, hoping to express her displeasure loud and clear.

Jonathan sighed. “Look, Max. It’s okay to feel guilty. I understand why you do. You might not like me saying this, but it’s not your fault. I was there. Billy chose to do what he did. And I’m not sure there’s anything you could’ve done even if you did decide to swoop in and try and save him. In all likelihood, it might’ve just killed you, too. And I know all of us would’ve been real sad if that had happened. El especially.”

That felt like a punch to Max’s gut. El had already been through so much; she had lost her powers, and she’d lost Hopper. The last thing Max wanted was to make El sad.

“I’m not gonna tell you to stop feeling guilty right away. That would be very hypocritical of me. I still feel guilty about not doing more both of the times Will was in danger,” Jonathan continued. “But what I will say is…just be kind to yourself, okay? I know it can be really easy to lose yourself in that guilt and that grief. Nancy…Nancy was drowning in it. She blamed herself for her friend Barb’s death, and she often did what you said you’re doing now: she played that scenario over and over again in her head, wondering if she could’ve saved her if she’d done something differently. And it broke my heart to see her like that.”

Max hadn’t known Nancy had felt like that. Nancy always seemed so confident and put together and sure of herself. It was really hard to picture her breaking down and crying and blaming herself for something like that, and it felt so unlike the Nancy she knew; or, at least, the Nancy that Nancy allowed people outside of her innermost circle to see.

“Did she ever forgive herself?” Max asked.

“Not completely,” Jonathan said honestly. “I know there’s still some guilt there. But she’s definitely been less harsh on herself. Berating herself less has made things a little easier. And I will also admit to being guilty of blaming myself and being hard on myself, which Nancy constantly tells me to stop doing. But I will tell you, it’s hard. Even now, even with that gate closed, I am constantly afraid that something is going to happen to Will again. And if I’m not vigilant, if I’m not there for him, then it will definitely be my fault this time. And maybe I shouldn’t worry so much, but then I think back to when I thought my brother was gone, and I…” he trailed off, unable to bring himself to finish the thought. He took a shaky breath to try and steady himself. “I know our situations aren’t exactly the same. But, when someone who was that close to you, someone who has shared your home with you, is taken away…when they’re gone…I don’t know about you, but it feels like a part of your heart has been ripped right out of your chest. And god, it hurts like hell.”

Max could feel the stinging sensation in her eyes intensify as her precariously-constructed walls began to fracture. “You’re right,” she said, her voice trembling dangerously. “It does.”

Up until that point, Max had worked desperately to keep herself together while they’d been talking, with only a few tears leaking through the cracks. But then suddenly, all of the emotions from the afternoon caught up to her at once, and despite her best efforts, she couldn’t stop herself from crying. With those last words, the dam had burst open. The tears were coming out at full force, accompanied by some big, ugly sobs. Crying in front of him like this was completely embarrassing, even worse than breaking down in the school bathroom like she’d done right before seeking him out, and she had half a mind to get up and run back to her trailer to avoid embarrassing herself further.

But then Jonathan extended a hand out to her on the table, and she accepted it gratefully, gripping it tight and holding it until her crying subsided into runny sniffles.

“It hurts,” she finally said, her voice cracked and small. “It hurts so much. I don’t even know why it hurts so much, because he was terrible to me and he was awful to Lucas. But he was family. Fucked-up family, but still family, and now he’s gone and it feels like shit.”

“I know,” Jonathan said softly. “And it’s gonna suck. For a while. And I know it feels like I’m fucking lying to you when I say it, but it will get better. It won’t go away, but it’ll get easier.”

He was right, that did feel like a lie. Right now in her mind, it was hard to see how it would ever get better. Sometimes the pain felt like it would consume her, and she would never be able to find her way out.

She looked at him through red, tear-rimmed eyes. “How do you do it?”

“How do I do what?”

“Keep going,” she responded. “How do you keep going when every single part of your life sucks and you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel?”

Jonathan contemplated it for a long time, giving his answer some serious thought. “Well, for starters, you can’t forget about the things that do bring you joy, no matter how small they are,” he eventually said. “It can be really easy to lose interest and just let them fade away, but they can help keep you grounded. For me, those things include photography and compiling music. They helped get me through some dark times.”

Interests. Hobbies. They’d felt so useless over the last few months, so she hadn’t even bothered with them. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d stepped on her skateboard or opened up one of her comic books. They were probably sitting around somewhere gathering dust, which would have appalled the Max of a year ago. Max hated how much her past self would be disappointed by her current self.

Jonathan drummed his fingers on the table, looking like he had something else he wanted to say. “Max, can I just give you one piece of advice?”

Well, Max had already confided in him about her inner turmoil and broken down into tears in front of him, and she figured there was nothing left to lose at this point, so what the hell. “Sure. Why not?”

He took a deep breath. “We’ve said a lot to each other today. And I’m not gonna lie to you. It’s not gonna be easy, dealing with your grief and being forced to act like a parent in your own house when you’re not even fifteen yet. It’s not fun, but if I’ve learned one thing from my experience, it’s that it sucks even more to do it all alone. And I still struggle with that, but you don’t have to. Not as much as I did, anyway. You have something I didn’t when I was first going through all this: friends. A good amount of them. And I know that one of them is Mike Wheeler…”

Max snorted.

“...but they care about you. A lot. They just want to help. So don’t be afraid of them.”

“I’m not afraid of them,” Max objected.

“You know what I mean. Don’t be afraid to trust them. And stop avoiding them.”

“I’m not avoiding them.”

Jonathan shot her a knowing look. “Max. You are talking to the king of avoiding people. Don’t you think I know what that looks like?” Well, he had her there. “Also, Will and El have told me about how you’re avoiding them. And it’s not just hurting you, it’s hurting them, too.”

Max didn’t want to hurt her friends. In fact, that’s exactly why she was pulling away from them. If she kept herself distant, then she couldn’t burden them with her troubles, and she couldn’t hurt them. But now Jonathan was telling her that her attempts to protect them and avoid hurting them was actually what was hurting them most. It felt like no matter what she did, she couldn’t win.

“You don’t have to put every single thing on your shoulders. It will weigh you down eventually,” Jonathan said. “Trust has always been a very big problem for me. I think you can understand why, with my dad and everything. It’s very hard for me to trust people. But, when I found Nancy and started leaning on her, my life became infinitely better. And I can tell you that once you find the people you trust, you don’t want to let them go. I promise you, trusting someone with your problems and your feelings, even if it’s not all of them, is so much better than keeping them all to yourself.” He looked Max in the eye. “You do have people you can trust. They’re not gonna turn their back on you.”

“How do you know?” she challenged.

“Because I’ve known these little shits for most of their lives. And they may be annoying, and they may argue, but when it comes down to it, they are incredibly loyal to each other, they always have been. They’d go to the end of the world for each other, and they have gone to the end of the world for each other. You’re a member of their little Party now, which means they’ll do the same for you, too.”

“I don’t know if I can,” she whispered.

“I’ve got a pretty good feeling that you can. You guys have been through shit together. And a wise man once told me that shared trauma can bring people together.” Jonathan’s lip quirked, like he was sharing an inside joke with himself.

“Yeah, but they don’t get it. Not like you do,” she said. “If I had told this to any of the others, they would have just looked at me with pity, and they would have wondered why in the world I had so many conflicting feelings about Neil leaving when he was clearly the worst, and they would have tried to insist that everything will be okay eventually. You didn’t do that. You didn’t bullshit me and tell me that it’s not gonna suck. You know. You know what it’s like. Which is, frankly, unbelievable. I didn’t think that anyone would…understand. I really thought I was all alone.”

“Well, I’m glad my suffering could help somebody out, at least.”

That got a small smile out of her, even though it quickly dissolved into watery eyes and a nose that suddenly wouldn’t stop running. She sniffled and wiped at her eyes, which did not go unnoticed by Jonathan.

“Listen. Maybe you don’t feel comfortable trusting your friends right now. I get it. But don’t shut them out forever. When the time comes, you’re gonna feel way better talking to your actual friends than you are talking to me.”

“I’m not sure about that,” Max said doubtfully.

“Yes, you will,” he assured with a small smile. “I’m happy to talk to you whenever. But I strongly recommend you lean on your friends, even if it’s hard. They want you to. So just…at least think about it. Okay?”

Right now the thought of actually telling her friends what was going on with her was about as appealing as eating rotten fish. Her instinctual reaction was that she was absolutely never going to actually do that. But, after he had listened to her and talked with her, she did owe it to Jonathan to at least consider it and not reject it completely. Besides, she suspected he wouldn’t let her leave here unless she said she would.

She groaned. “Fine, I’ll think about it or whatever.”

“Good.”

At that, they reached a lull in their conversation, and it felt like they were coming to the end of their talk. After opening herself up like she had, she didn’t have anything more to share. And it seemed like Jonathan was done, too. Max sat back and took a good long look at him, observing him. She wasn’t sure how she’d never noticed before, but the older boy looked rather weary. There were dark circles under his brown eyes, which, though kind, looked like they had seen way too much in his time on this earth.

“Has anyone ever told you that you come across as older than eighteen?” she asked.

He gave her a wry smile. “Almost every day of my life.”

“You are wise beyond your years, Jonathan Byers.”

“It’s the childhood trauma.”

Against all odds, that got her to laugh. It was just a small one, but she couldn’t remember the last time she’d honestly laughed. “At least you’re able to joke about it.”

“Took years of practice.”

“You’ll have to teach me sometime. Will says you’re really good at teaching people stuff.”

“Did he?”

“Yeah. Will absolutely adores you.”

“And I adore him right back.”

Max could tell just from the tender look on his face just how much brotherly love he had for Will. She felt a pang in her chest, like she was getting a glimpse of something she’d missed out on in her own life. Whatever semblance of a smile she had on her face quickly fell.

“Hey.” Jonathan looked her pointedly in the eye. “If you ever need to talk, about anything, I’m always here. Please don’t hesitate to call me. I know I said to trust your friends, but if you don’t feel comfortable talking to them and you want to talk to your friend’s weird older brother instead, I’m here to help you with whatever I can.”

With genuine appreciation, she said, “Thanks.”

Jonathan glanced at his watch and then took a quick look around. “Can you walk home on your own from here?”

“Yeah. I live right over there.” She pointed in the direction of her trailer.

“Okay,” he said. “I’ve gotta go now. I kind of dumped Will and El on Nancy and I owe one or all of them an explanation.”

Max nodded in understanding. “Yeah, no, you should go. I’ve kept you here for far too long.”

“It’s okay.” Somehow, she could tell he wasn’t just saying that because he felt obligated to; he meant it. “It was nice talking to you, Max. And I mean it: if you ever need anything, anything at all, please tell me.”

Max could feel herself getting emotional once more, and she knew if she said anything else right then she might cry again, so she just nodded in response.

“Okay. I’ll see you around, Max.”

With a final nod farewell, Jonathan rose from the picnic table and started to head for his car. But Max suddenly realized she didn’t want him to go just yet. There was something she had to do first.

“Wait!”

Jonathan stopped in his tracks and looked back at her. Without a word, Max sprung out of her seat, ran over to him, and hugged him. She could hear him let out a small wheeze of surprise as she threw her arms around him. If Max had to guess, she’d say he probably didn’t get hugged by a lot of people; he felt incredibly stiff and awkward, like he wasn’t quite sure what to do. But, eventually, he did hug her back. He put his arms around her, almost protectively, hugging her in a way that felt like how a brother was supposed to treat his sister.

Max held him tighter. Her eyes were squeezed shut, desperately holding back tears. She had already cried enough today, and she really didn’t want to cry on him, though admittedly that urge was becoming harder and harder to fight the longer he held her. Right now, she felt like a small child, clinging to the kind and caring older brother that she’d always wanted but never had. And she wanted to savor that comforting feeling while she could.

“Thank you,” she whispered, her voice barely audible.

“Of course,” he whispered right back.

It was difficult to put into words what this meant to her. Jonathan didn’t really know her; she was his little brother’s friend, and he wasn’t obligated to do anything for her. And yet he had. He’d instantly dropped everything to help her when she said she needed him. He’d shown her kindness and compassion when he did not have to. It made her feel like she wasn’t a burden, like this was actually something he was glad to do.

She didn’t understand why Jonathan had such a bad reputation and why so many people didn’t like him. Sure, he was quiet, and perhaps a little offbeat, but he was so incredibly kind. Not everyone would be so willing to listen and help her like this.

She always wondered what it would be like to have a brother who made her feel safe rather than threatened her. It seemed like an absolute dream. Will — and El now, too — was incredibly lucky to have him.

She pressed her face further into his chest, muffling her words. “I wish I had a brother like you.”

Max couldn’t see his face, but he didn’t say anything for a moment, and she could feel his arms tighten around her, in a way that made her think maybe the comment made him get a little emotional, too.

“Mm, don’t let Steve hear you say that, he’ll get horribly jealous.”

She laughed. “He’ll claim that I cheated on him.”

“Hm, on the other hand, I will take literally any opportunity to irritate Steve, so you feel free to say it in front of him, it’ll drive him crazy.”

“Well, Steve likes to think he’s the brother figure, but actually he’s our mom.”

“Oh, I’m sure he loves that.”

“He does, but he’d never admit it.”

Jonathan chuckled and let her go, resting a comforting hand on her shoulder. “It’ll get better. Not quickly, but it will. You’ll get through it.”

She nodded, maybe believing it for the first time in awhile.

“And don’t forget to be kind to yourself,” he reminded her.

“I’ll try.”

“That’s the most important part,” he said with a smile. “You know where to find me. If you need to, don’t be afraid to stop by, and we can commiserate about our shitty deadbeat dads. Deal?”

Those were terms she could agree to. “Deal.”

“Alright. Now I’ve really gotta go. Take care of yourself, Max.”

This time, when he went to get in his car, she let him. He bid her goodbye, and she watched him drive out of the trailer park, not leaving her spot until his car was long out of sight. She slowly trudged back to her trailer, her feet heavy, but her chest much lighter than before. And for the first time in a very long time, she didn’t feel like crying when she got home.