Chapter Text
“Let me go.”
Those were the three words that kept echoing through SSA Derek Morgan’s head. The last words that Emily had said to him.
~Probably the last words she said to anyone, ~ Morgan thought bitterly, downing the rest of the dark liquid in the glass. It burned going down but the rest of the pain was being numb by the effects of the alcohol. He just wanted to forget the sight of Emily with a wooden stake driven into her stomach telling him to let her go.
Morgan placed his glass on the lop of the liquor cabinet and reached for the bottle of whiskey. Eventually the alcohol would allow him to forget for a little while at least. Even that respite would be a blessing at that point. As his fingers wrapped around the cold whiskey bottle though another hand came to rest on top of his own.
“I think you’ve had enough for tonight,” a quiet, sympathetic voice said from behind Morgan.
“No, I haven’t,” Morgan replied his words coming out slow. “I can still hear her voice.”
“And in the morning you’ll still hear here voice, only you’ll have a killer hangover to go with it. Alcohol won’t get rid of the pain. It’s only going to mask it.”
“You would know about that wouldn’t you,” Morgan said bitterly. “At least the alcohol is legal.”
“But still just as destructive if you let it take control of your life.”
Morgan whirled around, the man behind him instinctively taking a step backwards. “I’m not letting it control my life. I just want one night of peace. I’m not you. I’m not so weak that I’m going to let it take over my life,” he yelled.
The words hurt just as much as if he had been physically slapped. The second man, took a few more steps backwards. He knew Morgan wasn’t thinking clearly at this point. That it was the grief and the alcohol speaking, and not his friend. However, there was also no mistaking the anger on the older man’s face. Anger, that even without the alcohol, was at times just barely contained. ~If Morgan could throw those words at me in this state, he could also possibly hit me, ~ the man thought as he kept taking steps backwards.
In the fog induced by the alcohol, it took Morgan a few moments to realize what he had just said. As he saw the face of the one person in the world that meant the most to him, he suddenly regretted it. The words of an apology were on the tip of his tongue but he couldn’t form them. Instead, he watched the younger man back away from him. The hurt and fear clear in his eyes.
Then the younger man was falling, having back into the corner of the coffee table without realizing it. Losing his balance, he fell backward, his shoulder catching the hard edge of the coffee table. The impact with the floor forced the air from his lungs. He felt his head bounce off the hardwood floor, the pain from both impacts taking away from the stabbing pain in his temples momentarily. Stunned from the fall, he laid there looking up at the ceiling, trying to will his body to take a breath.
“Spencer!” Morgan called out, moving forward.
It took only a few steps to cover the distance between them. Shoving the coffee table off to the side, Morgan knelt down next to the younger man. Reaching out, he placed his hands on either side of Reid’s face, looking into the unfocused eyes. As, his hands made contact with the younger man’s skin, Reid drew in a deep breath.
“Spencer, talk to me,” Morgan pleaded, his words slightly slurred by the alcohol.
“I’m fine,” Spencer managed to get out, knowing that those words weren’t exactly accurate. His shoulder hurt as did the back of his head and the knee he had ran into the coffee table in the first place with. The same knee he had been shot in over a year ago. Still he didn’t think anything was serious.
“I’m sorry,” Morgan told him, a new kind of grief in his eyes.
Reaching up, wincing a little as his shoulder twinge with the movement, Reid placed his own hands on Morgan’s arms, right above his wrists.
“It’s not your fault that I’m clumsy. I should have watched where I was going.”
“If I hadn’t yelled,” Morgan said, even through the haze of the alcohol recalling the words he had yelled at his boyfriend. Words that he knew he could never take back and which he knew had cut deep. “I’m sorry.”
“I know it wasn’t really you talking,” Reid replied simply.
Morgan stopped himself from protesting. It wouldn’t get him anywhere and it wasn’t really all that important. The words were said and nothing could take them back.
“Are you okay?” Morgan asked instead, his hands still on Reid’s face.
“I think so. Just a few bruises,” Spencer replied, letting go of Morgan’s arms so he could use his arms to help himself sit up.
Letting his hands fall from Reid’s face, Morgan helped the younger man sit up. Instinctively his right hand went to the back of Reid’s head, looking for injuries. As his finger tips brushed a lump already forming, he heard the younger man give a hiss of pain.
“Perhaps we should get you looked at.”
“I’m fine,” Reid told him. “I never loss consciousness. It’s just a bump. It’ll go away in a few days, just like the other bumps and bruises,” he said, his hand unconsciously going to rub his sore left shoulder.
Morgan caught the movement, and was soon unbuttoning the younger man’s shirt, so he could get a look at the shoulder. Slipping the shirt down off the left shoulder, he could see a bruise already forming across the shoulder blade.
“Damn.”
“I’ll be fine,” Reid protested, moving away from Morgan and climbing onto the couch. He leaned back against the cushions.
“I’m going to get some ice packs,” Morgan said, getting to his feet. Short of physically dragging his boyfriend to the hospital, he knew he wasn’t going to get him there.
Retrieving two ice packs from the freezer, Morgan returned to the living room. Reid was still where he had left him. Walking over to the couch, the dark-skinned profiler sat down next to the other man. It wasn’t long before they were both stretched out on the couch, Morgan’s arms protectively around Reid. The older man could feel the coolness of the ice packs, one against his chest, where Reid’s left shoulder rested, the other in the crook of his elbow, as Reid’s head laid cradled in his arm.
“It wasn’t your fault,” Reid said.
“You’re right though, I’d already drunk enough alcohol and in the morning it would have just been worse. I’m sorry I said those things to you. You’re one of the strongest people I know.”
“I accept your apology, but that’s not what I meant,” Reid replied. “Emily’s death wasn’t your fault.”
“If I had only been a few minutes earlier or we had been a little quieter, she might still be with us.”
“And if we had gotten Fahey to talk before they shot him or Garcia had found the photos of Declan just a few minutes sooner, then she might be with us. Face it Morgan, there are a whole bunch of things that if they had only happened a little differently, the two of us wouldn’t be attending a funeral tomorrow but dwelling on them won’t do any good. We did the best that we could. It just wasn’t enough this time.”
“We can’t save everyone, right?” Morgan said bitterly, his voice wavering.
“Sometimes knowing that doesn’t make things any easier,” Reid replied, thinking of Adam, Tobias, and Ryan Phillips. People that he hadn’t been able to save despite his best efforts. Now Emily was a part of that list.
“At least she knew you were there. Emily knew that she wasn’t going to die alone. I’m sure that meant a lot to her in those final moments,” Reid said. “Just like you telling her you were proud of her meant a lot to her. Derek, you got to say good-bye.”
“And you didn’t,” Morgan murmured, resting his chin on the top of Reid’s head.
“It’s okay,” Reid replied calmly. “I know she left to protect us and if she had been able to, she would have said good-bye. I think in her heart, Emily wanted to return to us when everything was over, even if logically she knew there was a good chance that might not happen.”
~He’s too calm, ~ Morgan thought, as he breathed in the smell of Reid’s shampoo. Though he was fighting to hold back tears, Reid’s eyes weren’t even glistening. ~He hasn’t cried since we were at the hospital. He’s been the strong one through all of this. The one trying to put things in perspective. The one trying to comfort me though I know his heart is just as broken as my own, ~ he thought, coming to the realization that the younger man was holding it together for his sake. ~Eventually, he’s going to have to grieve for her himself and I’m going to have to be ready to comfort him.~
Tonight though Morgan knew he couldn’t do that, as he felt the tears start to roll down his cheeks. He held Reid a little tighter, taking comfort from the warm feeling of him in his arms. Reid reached up and placed a hand on the back of Morgan’s head, as he heard the first sobs from the older man.
“Everything is going to be okay, Derek,” he said softly. “We’ve got each other.”
**************************************************************
Sighing in frustration, Derek Morgan pulled apart the haphazard knot he had put in his tie. Though standing in front of the mirror, he was still having trouble with the tasks as unshed tears blurred his vision.
“Here let me,” Reid said calmly, stepping in front of the older man, his own tie already neatly tied and in place.
Morgan let his arms drop to his side, silently letting Reid make short work of the stubborn tie.
“There you go,” Reid said, as he finished the task.
Reid let his hands rest of Morgan’s chest and leaning close, pressed his lips to Morgan’s. Desperate for the comfort of human contact on this dismal day that he would be burying a good friend, Morgan returned the kiss. Reaching up, he let his fingers get lost in the younger man’s brown locks. As his finger tips brushed the lump still present from the night before, he heard a muffled moan of pain come from the younger man.
“I’m sorry,” Morgan said, breaking away. He took a step back and looked into Reid’s eyes. “I never meant . . .”
“Last night wasn’t your fault,” Reid replied, cutting the older man off. “I tripped. Stop blaming yourself.”
Morgan looked down into the brown eyes of his boyfriend and saw only sincerity and grief there. He reached out and placed a hand on either side of the younger man’s face and leaning close, pressed his lips against the younger man’s once again, knowing that once they left this house, this kind of contact between the two wouldn’t be able to happen. Besides JJ, no one knew about their relationship and for now that was how they both wanted it to stay.
If Strauss were to find out, at best one or both of them would be first to leave the unit. At worst, it could cost them both of their jobs. Both men knew that it was worth that risk. That being together meant more than the job. However, neither wanted to put their teammates in an awkward and uncomfortable position nor put their careers in jeopardy. If Strauss found out that someone had known about them, she wouldn’t hesitate to use the information to her advantage. There was no love lost between any of the team and the section chief, and neither Reid nor Morgan wanted to give her any fuel.
After breaking from the kiss, the two men silently headed for the front door. It was time to go lay their friend to rest and try to start the healing process. Both of them knew that they needed to go on. Needed to keep doing the job to the best of their ability. It was what Emily would have wanted.
As he reached for the doorknob of the front door, Morgan paused. He looked over at the younger man beside him. “Spencer, you’ve been my anchor these past couple of days. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”
“I was just returning the favor,” Reid replied softly, looking away as he felt the color rise in his cheeks.
“I always thought this relationship was about me needing to protect and care for you. It’s not. It’s about protecting and caring about one another. I know there is something going on that you’re keeping from me, Spencer, and I don’t know why. Just know, that when you’re ready to open up about it, I’m here. Just like you’ve been here for me these last couple of days.”
Reid looked back at his boyfriend. He saw only love there in the older man’s eyes. He thought about what he told Emily, about not wanting to tell the others because they would make him feel like a baby. Suddenly, he wasn’t so sure about the accuracy of those words. Given the relationship he had with Morgan, though granted heavy make-out sessions were as far as they had gone so far, didn’t he have the right to know that something might be wrong.
“I know,” was all he said though, not wanting to think about that right now. There would be time later to figure out their relationship.
As Morgan turned the doorknob with one hand, he reached out and took Reid’s hand with his other. He gave the hand a slight squeeze, feeling the gesture returned, before letting go and stepping through the front door.