Chapter Text
Yut-Lung wanted this excursion to be discreet. He had asked Sing if Eiji was at his exhibit often and it sounded like he only showed up around opening or closing hours, so Yue decided he’d pop in around noon when he figured Eiji wouldn’t be there. Or, even if he was, it would possibly be crowded enough for him to hide and duck out. He attempted to dress down for the occasion, thankful he could wrap himself in a scarf since it was winter and a medical mask since it was cold and flu season. The sunglasses would have to come off indoors though. That would probably look too weird.
It wasn’t that he wanted to avoid Eiji, more that he didn’t want to bother Eiji by just showing up like “hey bro here to check out my dead enemy’s pics, oh and about my role in that, my bad lmao.” He really wouldn’t mind having a conversation with Eiji, but now didn’t seem like the right time and he didn’t want to offend him by… existing in this space.
Sing hinted he should just reach out to Eiji. He said Eiji would probably appreciate it, really.
Yue had pretended not to hear him.
Really, the biggest reason he didn’t want to face Eiji was his shame.
Getting out of his black Maserati and stepping around puddles and damp cigarette butts onto the sidewalk, he wondered again why he even wanted to come here.
He thought about Eiji often, truthfully. He wondered what his life was like.
And he’d forgotten Ash’s face.
Before he knew it, he was already standing among a moderate crowd in the middle of the exhibit room with tears silently rolling down his cheeks and wetting his mask. The familiar sting of liquid pooling in his nasal cavities. Stupid. He’s probably keep crying off and on for a few days now. Fuck. He didn’t cry often, but when it happened, it just seemed to linger for days, resulting in a rather persistent state of emotional hypersensitivity and swollen eyelids.
He felt something tight deep in his chest as he stared at the photographs of Ash. This beautiful kid, his life snatched away from him only just after finding someone to care for and be cared for by. He tried to keep his thoughts from going to a darker place, the place where he kept his guilt stashed away, but he felt himself slipping. He didn’t want to go there right now. He had been doing so well.
Although Yue honestly did want to check out more of the exhibit, he couldn’t stand being there anymore. He decided this trip had served its purpose. He stepped around blurry strangers in overcoats and scarves and went back outside to stand against the aged brick building. He stared down at his phone without thinking about anything as he waited for his ride to come around the block.
“Awfully interesting to see you here.” A familiar voice with an unexpected tone had snuck up. Yue’s skin prickled and he felt a hot wave of discomfort as he looked up, seeing Eiji leaning against the brick right next to him with some sort of smile (possible a smirk? Yue couldn’t tell) on his face.
Yue gave a nod to his guard across the street, signaling that this was fine. Fine, although he’d rather melt into the sidewalk than have a conversation with this ghost.
“Ohhh, hi,” Yut-Lung attempted to feign composure and pulled down his mask, “you recognized me.”
“Of course. I’m glad you came by to see this.”
Are you? Are you happy to see my quiet trip out to cry over your dead love? He wondered. It was hard for Yue to look him in the eye. He knew his eyes must still be red and hoped his face wasn’t betraying much else. “It’s nice. It’s… really, really good… Sorry, I wish I could say more, but this is…” Yue had begun unwrapping his scarf now and unbuttoning his coat. Why was it so hot all of a sudden!?
“It’s okay. This is kinda weird, right?”
“I’m sorry,” Yue sputtered. “Yeah it is. Would you want to get some coffee, though? And talk about some things?”
“Now?”
“Sure, if you’re free. If you’re not feeling it right now, that’s okay.”
“Yeah, just follow me. I know of a good place.” And Eiji led the way.
Yue wasn’t sure why he had initiated this. He already regretted it.
It was a cozy coffee shop, albeit a bit crowded. They got a place in the back where Yue felt like they could talk about things somewhat privately.
Once they got their orders, Yue finally relaxed a little and allowed himself to get a better look at Eiji. He felt bad for thinking this, but… like he had expected, Eiji… kind of looked like shit. He could be a really good looking guy, truthfully. He was definitely attractive back in the day when they first met. But now… He had a decent physique, but his posture almost curled in upon himself, making him seem smaller. His wide, kind eyes appeared tired behind his glasses. And his hair, jfc, his hair. Long, longer than Yue’s was now that he kept it just past his shoulders, and more on the wavy side than his. It could have looked really nice, but it was dull and a bit frizzy. Eiji clearly wasn’t very aware of how to take care of it. If Yut-Lung was to accomplish anything today, maybe it could be to teach Eiji about conditioner, he thought shallowly.
“Sooo,” Eiji stirred his soy latte, “what ‘things’ did you want to talk about?”
“Uhh.”
“And,” Eiji spoke again before Yue could get anything out. “I know what you’re probably thinking: ‘he looks like shit,’ well, I’ll let you know that I’m an artist, and this,” he waved his hands around his face dramatically, “is a choice.” He smiled.
Yue laughed. While he was kind of mortified that Eiji seemed to have read his mind, he also appreciated the attempt to bring some levity to this awkward meeting.
“Eiji, nooo, I’m not superficial like that-“
“Shut up. You are too,” he smirked. “So what did you want to talk about?”
Yue knew he wanted to talk, but he honestly didn’t really know what he meant when he asked Eiji out for a coffee back there. He wanted to communicate with him, he wanted to hear that he was okay, he wanted to hear that he was happy, but Yue was afraid of the likely truth. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to talk about. Maybe it didn’t matter.
“I know I’ve told you how sorry I am before, when I saw you a year ago shortly after you moved here… but how can you stand to be around me right now?”
“Who said I could stand it?” Eiji paused and cracked a wry smile. “Sorry, I don’t know if I’m joking or not, to be honest. This does feel weird, but I’m curious.”
“About?”
“What kind of person you are now.”
“Ummm. I wouldn’t know where to start. I like to think my moral compass has improved a little, at least.”
Eiji laughed. “You also seem less angry. I hear a lot about you from Sing, actually. I know at least some about your past. What your brothers did to your mom. And to you.”
Yut-Lung gripped his tea a little tighter. It always felt weird to think about other people talking about him. Even Sing, who he truly trusted. “It doesn’t excuse any of my actions and decisions back then, though.”
“Ash wasn’t exactly an angel then either, you know.”
“At least he made people feel loved.”
Eiji’s smile faded.
Shit, Yut-Lung thought. I’ve fucked this up already.
“I can go, Eiji. We don’t need to do this now.”
“It’s okay. I want to be here. There are certain things I can’t approach with Sing on the subject of Ash. He never wants to hear it. Like, I can’t help but wonder, what would Ash’s life had even been like after all that? I have no idea how he would have been able to come to Japan with a criminal record like that, or if he was ‘legally dead’ or whatever was going on with him at the time. He rarely showed it, but the deaths he caused were breaking him down. Dozens and dozens of deaths. How can you go back to a normal life after that? And… the years of abuse… trying to heal from that is something I can’t imagine.
“I’m not saying I’m happy he’s dead because that’s far from true. I’m still a little tormented by his loss every day… and I’m not saying he wasn’t strong and he couldn’t have overcome his past… he really was the strongest person I ever knew… but… at least I know he found some peace.”
Yue felt his tear ducts become hot again, overflowing against his will.
“He told me he didn’t fear death. He didn’t wish for it, either. But I don’t think he was scared when he resigned himself to his fate.”
Didn’t wish for it… didn’t fear it… that was a big, big difference between himself and Ash, Yut-Lung thought.
“A-ah Yut-Lung, are you okay? I didn’t want to make you sad. I’m not even sure I mean all of these words.”
Yue brushed it off, “Eiji, it’s fine, no need to apologize.”
“I guess I forgot that you had some… similarities in what you went through. I never wanted to imply… sorry.”
“No, no it’s not that. I’m just sensitive today.”
“You were crying at the exhibit, too.”
“Yeah… it was heavy… and when something makes me cry I tend to keep crying at everything for a couple days. Silly, right?” He sniffled. He was getting nasally. “So, please, don’t mind me.”
“It’s not silly. You feel things very deeply.”
“I’m not really sure if that’s it.”
They took a few minutes to silently sip their drinks. Yue was feeling like this was getting to be too much about him. That’s not what he had intended.
“So… Sing tells me a bit about you… not a lot, he respects you too much… it’s not gossip… but like… for example he did tell me about your exhibit. Benign things like that.” Yue said. He was stalling, what did he want to accomplish here again? “So, what I mean to ask, is, how… are you… how have you been, Eiji?”
“I’ve been well, in recent years at least. I like my work. Being in New York fits me well, I think. I have a dog. I have a few friends. I think that’s as much as I can ask for, ya know.”
Yue stared into his tea.
“It still hurts sometimes,” Eiji continued. “I don’t think that will ever go away completely. I’m not completely sure I want it to. I don’t know how to really explain that feeling.”
“Have you ever tried getting like, professional help?”
“Yeah, but I never really stuck with it. It’s hard to open up. Just never felt like I knew what I really wanted to get out of it.”
“I know this might sound weird coming from a, um, crim… someone like me… but finally accepting I needed to talk to a professional really helped me. Like, I couldn’t talk about being a murderer and shit, but my therapist was really helpful with trauma and stuff.”
Eiji stayed quiet.
“I don’t think I’d be here if I hadn’t taken that step… I think if I could do it, you could too, right?” Yut-Lung tried to engage him. “It might take a while to find the right person, but…”
Eiji shrugged. “It’s been so long. I just feel like if I haven’t healed yet, after nearly 6 years, how could I ever? I’m okay, I’m going through the motions, I can enjoy things and make friends and do my work and feel happiness… there’s a void, but so what? Sometimes, I still feel broken but I don’t think that can be helped. I’ve accepted it. Don’t pity me, please. I get enough of that from Sing.”
Yue felt like there was something tearing deep in his chest. He had to smile a bit nonetheless. “I get enough of that from him as well,” he said almost at a whisper.
Eiji’s lips curled into a smile at that. “He’s really the best, isn’t he?”
“Yeah,” Yue smiled even more now, “I don’t deserve him.” He said it in a tone that didn’t incite pity, but rather stated it like a fact.
A few minutes passed by in silence. Not an awkward silence, but the type to be shared by two tired people.
Eiji checked his phone and started to clean up like he was ready to go. “I’ll think about trying therapy or whatever again. You’re probably right about it. And I’ll think about getting out more. Meeting new people. Stuff like normal people in their 20s do.”
Yut-Lung felt an uncharacteristic impulse. “Would you want to go to a club? Do you ever do that kind of thing? Do you want to go with me sometime while I’m in town? I know you probably don’t feel great spending time with me, we could split up later, but sometimes when you’re not feeling like getting out, it’s easier to go with someone, you know? I have a few tolerable places. We can go to one sometime. A gay club, I mean.”
“How’d you know I was gay?”
“Wild guess?”
“I guess I would go. If it’s not a weird place. And you don’t try anything funny with me or get the wrong idea.”
“Ew!” Yue responded reactively, “no!”
“I’m not that gross am I?” Eiji made a face.
Yue was cracking up now, embarrassed for sounding like an ass, but knowing Eiji wasn’t really offended. “Oh god, I’m so sorry. It’s not that. I just don’t usually hook up with people I once planned to murder.”
Eiji looked around to see if anyone had heard that.
Yue paused and tapped his chin in thought. “Okay, scratch that actually. That is a thing I’ve done a couple times. But, rest assured, I have good morals and pure intentions here. And I don’t drink, which is a whole ‘nother story, so I’m cool if you want me to look out for you while you do.”
“Yeah, I would like that.”
Yue smiled. It felt genuine, surprisingly. They stood up to leave.
“Eiji,” Yue stopped him. “It is your story, remember. It is your life. It’s not his.”
“Yeah.”