Work Text:
Wilbur didn’t know where things had gone wrong. He didn’t really know. Maybe it was the sudden and untimely death of a friend or maybe it was him overdosing the first time in front of him. Wilbur could trace his through process back further than either event but he had been doing so well before that.
Wilbur had been the person to make sure he didn’t die. Wilbur had saved him in the end. Well, the first time.
The second time, he hadn’t even been there but had found out about it through social media. Wilbur remembers bits and pieces of that day. He remembered calling his mom and asking her to go with him to see his friends, knowing he wouldn’t be able to function if it was actually true.
Wilbur remembered going to see his friends, and he remembered Ash pulling him out of the pub and into the side patio where no one else went besides those who would be smoking or doing illicit substances to tell him. He didn’t remember what he had said but he knew that he didn’t get the full story.
Wilbur couldn’t handle the full story.
He remembered going inside and he remembered pushing away his food. He couldn’t stomach the thought of that anymore.
Wilbur couldn’t remember the drive home but he figured it wasn’t eventful. He remembered that he didn’t cry. Wilbur didn’t cry when he had first overdosed. He had texted his siblings, and his grandmother had called him the next morning to check in, but he didn’t cry. Wilbut didn’t even take a break from his day-to-day life.
He went to school, he went to work, he continued with his life like it was normal. It wasn’t the end of the world.
Wilbur also didn’t stop working when his friend died. He went back to work to school the next morning, in fact, he didn’t mention as much to his professors. He went to work the next night, a bright smile on his face, greeting everyone with a smile and continued to play the role of Wilbur Soot.
Wilbur continued with his life and things were gradual. At first, he would notice the content he was consuming. A few common things started to pop up.
- YouTube drama. The whole idea started around staying up to date on what others were talking about. He just wanted to know what was happening, but then a YouTuber ended up becoming the point of speculation for her eating disorder, or one that she wouldn’t confirm or do anything about.
- Euphoria. While he would never admit it, Euphoria became his confort show. Maybe it was seeing character’s he related to in situations that he was used to that drew him to the show, but it certainly was the start of the downfall for him.
- To The Bone. The trailers came out and the YouTube drama sparked. Backlash came out with the negatives but the loyal defenders wouldn’t let it be slandered. Wilbur didn’t watch the movie when it came out, but once he did, he was set in.
The next sign was less of a staple because he already did it. Wilbur knew that the red flag was harder to notice. His friends wouldn’t notice when he pulled out a book about eating disorders and if they did notice that his consistent choices of books changed, he would say that it was something he was reading for college or that someone he was talking to had introduced him to it.
His friends wouldn’t have batted an eye at it which left him feeling more relief than he should have.
Wilbur didn’t notice the trend until his coworker commented on it. Phil hadn’t meant it to do what it did. He knew that Wilbur’s already busy schedule had made time to go to the gym and wanted to praise the boy for the work he was noticing. That was a moment that Wilbur could remember.
“You look good, Wil! You look thinner now!”
Wilbur had stopped momentarily before a smile spread across his face. He thanked the man and shortly after the comment had been made, he found himself on a throw-away account stalking around Tumblr when he bumped into his first picture of thinspo.
Wilbur took notice of the collar bones poking out of the shirt. His eyes stared at it. He sat and looked at the picture. The only thought in his head was how beautiful the bones poking out of the skin looked. It wasn’t a bad thing. He looked effortless and untouched.
He looked delicate but not in the way that he would break if you touched him, delicate in a way that looked expensive and like he would withstand time. He would be forever flawless and perfect.
Wilbur reached his hand up to see how his own collarbone compared. The skin around it matched up with the bones, leaving him able to feel the gap if he inhaled deeply.
Wilbur wasn’t flawless.
He was far from it.
He reblogged the picture so he could go back to it later. He chalked it up to enjoying the art and the aesthetic. It wasn’t that he was comparing his body to that of the one in the photo. No. It would never be that. He reblogged the photo because he wanted that aesthetic that was inside the phone.
With a simple search of the actor’s name, more pictures popped up. It wasn’t long before the night had passed and he had reblogged more and more of the photos. When searching through the photos he found it. The first of many ana accounts that he would stumble on.
The whole account was centered around losing weight. Photos of different actors looking thin was breathtaking. All of the actors looked perfect in every picture that was reblogged and it wasn’t even photoshoots but candids where they looked the same. Wilbur cringed at the thought of the unflattering photos of himself that floated around the internet.
He continued until the next day and then the next until that was all he could think about. While Wilbur was at the gym, he thought about nothing but the photos he had found. He wanted to be that more than he had even realized at the time.
The next thing Wilbur started was writing out his thoughts wherever everything was happening. He would write about how different he looked from the actor or the other people he had found that he wanted to look like.
One day, at university, he opened his Tumblr but the first post was the owner of his favorite account had posted content talking about the massive 2,000 calorie binge they had would make them fast for the next couple of days.
2,000 calories. That’s what Wilbur aimed to eat in a day. Fuck.
From that point forward, Wilbur said he wouldn’t eat more than 1,500 at most. Anything less would be preferable. Wilbur started to record the amount of calories he started each day which only led to less and less calories being eaten each day.
Wilbur also weighed himself for the first time that day and decided that he needed to lose weight. He was already healthy. On the heavier side, sure, but he was healthy.
He set his goal weights 20 pounds apart and his ultimate goal weight to be recorded as the same weight of his idol actor. Perfect. Wilbur knew what he had to do. He knew what he would do.
He had to reach those goals.