Work Text:
Every night since TK walked out of the loft, Carlos sat in the same chair and waited, he sat waiting with his phone in his hand, waiting for TK to text him, to tell him he's coming home. Waiting for the loft door to slide open and a tired TK to walk in, for him to dump his work bag just slightly in the way so when Carlos tries to leave early in the morning he trips over it, for TK to toe off his shoes and leave them how they land, one usually upside down under the other. For TK to say “hey baby”. And as the minutes ticked by the list of every single thing he did leading up to TK walking out got longer and longer, a list of reasons why TK would have stopped loving him, and a bitter, angry part of him tried to make a list of reasons he shouldn’t still love TK, he never found a reason. He sat making lists, waiting for hours until the sky turned black and he was surrounded by darkness, by loneliness.
When he would finally force himself into the new bed, with the new sheets and new smell and he hated it, hated that the bedding didn't smell like the almond face cream TK uses or the lavender shampoo that Carlos secretly steals. Hated that there weren't any crumbs from TK eating at 2 am after insisting he wasn't hungry. Carlos wouldn’t sleep, not deeply not anymore after waking up a few too many times expecting TKs arms to be wrapped around him. He would stare at the ceiling wondering if TK was doing the same, with his silly little AirPods in, if TK missed him as much as he did or if TK was off having a new adventure with someone, letting someone new in, after all, Carlos remembers the short amount of time it took him and TK to get familiar with each other. But then Carlos remembers the look in TK eyes right before he turned away, he had seen it before when TK was in the yellow hoodie, how TK looked so guilty, so sorry for running away in some fucked up self-preservation way, and then he feels guilty for pushing TK, for even thinking that TK is doing okay right now.
He wants to let go, he wants to let out all the anger and sadness and pain he is feeling, his body is screaming for him to let go, to let him go. And then he remembers that night when they laid under the sky, when they decided to give what they had a chance, when they talked for hours in Carlos bed, TK playing with his fingers, TK holding him for the first time, when he thought for the first time that TK might love him. So Carlos pushes all the emotions down and forces himself to feel nothing, to remember how for so many years he existed in a state of emptiness, he laughed but never fully, his smile never used to reach his eyes, before he knew what it felt to love TK, to know TK. He remembered what he was taught, that he's a strong man, that he can’t let emotions affect his job, affect him.
So he shuts his eyes and forces himself into a dreamless sleep, so he can wake up again tomorrow, so he can try and let go.