Chapter Text
Stan Marsh added Kyle Broflovski, Kenny McCormick, Eric Cartman and Butters Stotch.
Stan Marsh is online
Kyle Broflovski is online
Stan Marsh: kyle has smth to say to everyone
Kyle Broflovski: Oh my god I don’t shut up
Stan Marsh: kyle did something guys
Kenny McCormick is online
Kenny McCormick: did yall fuck
Kyle Broflovski: NO
Kyle Broflovski: Oh god NO
Kenny McCormick: damn
Kenny McCormick: L stan
Stan Marsh: shut up dude
Kenny McCormick: n e ways
Kenny McCormick: what is the news kyle
Kyle Broflovski: Nothing
Stan Marsh: kyle’s parents found condoms in his room and now he’s grounded and not allowed to go out w us
Kyle Broflovski: DELETE THAT NOW
Stan Marsh deleted a message
Kenny McCormick: who are those for kyle ;)
Kyle Broflovski: Jesus christ
Kenny McCormick: are they for ur time with stan ;)
Kenny Mccormick deleted a message
Kenny McCormick: does this mean u can’t come to my house this sat
Kyle Broflovski: ….Idk man.
Kyle Broflovski: My parents are really mad at me for some reason, like i’m 17 don’t teenagers have sex.
Kenny McCormick: are you telling us that ur sexuality active
Kyle Broflovski: Stop.
Kyle Broflovski: None of your business but, I got them as a JOKE.
Stan Marsh: “joke”
Kyle Broflovski: Dude you were there when I bought them!
Stan Marsh: when was this
Kyle Broflovski: It was like a month ago when u were over my house and u drove my moms car.
Kyle Broflovski: We went to the pharmacy and bought a bunch of soda and bought condoms as a joke.
Stan Marsh: oh dude
Stan Marsh: i didn’t think you’d keep them
Stan Marsh: i gave mine to Clyde
Kyle Broflovski: Im going to kill you.
Kenny Mccormick: why were you two buying condoms together.
Kenny Mccormick: even butters and i don’t do that
Kenny Mccormick: i lied to make u feel better, we do that
Kyle Broflovski: I hate you both so much.
Eric Cartman is online
Eric Cartman: Are Kyle and Stan finally having their gay sex
Kenny McCormick: not yet
Eric Cartman: Goddamnit
Kenny McCormick: does this mean you pay me
Eric Cartman: No dude we said until the end of the year.
Stan Marsh: are you guys really betting on us
Eric Cartman: I mean it’s going to happen eventually.
Kyle Broflovski is offline
Stan Marsh: you guys made kyle go offline
Kenny McCormick: stan priv msg me now.
Eric Cartman: Be safe.
Stan Marsh: shut up cartman
To: Stan Marsh
From: Kenny McCormick
Kenny McCormick: dude be truthful.. are you and kyle doing it
Stan Marsh: NO
Kenny McCormick: do you want to
Stan Marsh: kenny
Kenny McCormick: stanley
Stan Marsh: kennith
Kenny McCormick: shut up
Stan Marsh: idk man
Kenny McCormick: ok we will talk about this soon but i have an idea
Stan Marsh: which is
Kenny McCormick: sneaking kyle out
Stan Marsh: dude no way would we be able to. have u met kyle’s mom?? she’s fking crazy
Kenny McCormick: we can do it
Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Kenny McCormick, Eric Cartman, Butters Stotch
Stan renamed the chat
operation: sneak out kyle
Kyle Broflovski is online
Kyle Broflovski: No way Stan
Stan Marsh: kenny suggested it
Kyle Broflovski: No way Kenny
Stan Marsh: see kenny
Kenny McCormick: listen i’ve sneaked butters out of his house multiple times this will be a walk through the park
Kyle Broflovski: @Butters Stotch
Butters Stotch is online
Butters Stotch: heya guys
Stan Marsh: BUTTERS you turned off auto caps
Butters Stotch: kenny did it for me
Butters Stotch: is it bad
Stan Marsh: no it’s better
Stan Marsh: i’m trying to get kyle to turn off his
Kyle Broflovski: Which isn’t happening
Butters Stotch: kenny said all the gay people turn off auto caps!
Stan Marsh: .
Kenny McCormick: i did say that
Butters Stotch: oh boy all of our names are so boring because we created a new chat
Kenny McCormick: wanna give everyone some nicknames?
Butters Stotch: yes!
Stan Marsh: ok i’m going kenny do not give me any weird names
Stan Marsh is offline
Kyle Broflovski is offline
Kenny McCormick: LOL
Kenny McCormick set Stan Marsh’s nickname:
stan bi-rsh
Butters Stotch: that has no ring to it kenny
Kenny McCormick: ok ok fine
Kenny McCormick set stan bi-rsh’s nickname:
glass closet
Butters Stotch: my gosh kenny
Kenny McCormick set Kyle Broflovski’s nickname:
condom
Kenny McCormick set Eric Cartman’s nickname: fatass
Butters Stotch: condom???
Kenny Mccormick: i’ll tell u in dms babe
Butters Stotch: okay!
Kenny McCormick set Butters Stotch’s nickname:
butters♡
butters♡: aw
butters♡ set Kenny McCormick’s nickname:
kenny♡
kenny♡: this is too cute
kenny♡: i love u
butters♡: i love you too!
operation: sneak out kyle
fatass is online
fatass: This chat name is so gay
fatass: Hey why is my name this
fatass: @kenny♡
kenny♡ is online
kenny♡: heyyy
fatass: I hope you get aids.
kenny♡: fuck u
fatass set kenny♡’s nickname:
Whore
Whore: and proud
fatass: You are so weird..
glass closet is online
glass closet: haha very funny kenny
glass closet: but also half of the school knows so the closet is open
Whore: like half way
condom is online
condom: Kenny.
condom: Also what does the school know Stan?
Whore: WHAT
glass closet: kyle be serious
condom: Im serious, what are you talking about?
butters♡ is online
glass closet: kyle.
glass closet: are u fr fr
condom: I am for real, Stan.
glass closet: message me
To: Stan Marsh
From: Kyle Broflovski
Kyle Broflovski: Dude
Stan Marsh: i’m bi
Kyle Broflovski: Since when?
Stan Marsh: since the first time i saw you playing basketball|
Stan Marsh: since the first time i|
Stan Marsh: since|
Stan Marsh: |
Kyle Broflovski: Why is it taking you so long to type
Stan Marsh: idk dude it just happened one day
Stan Marsh: i woke up and decided that i liked dicks
Stan Marsh: don’t show kenny that message
Kyle Broflovski: Man
Stan Marsh: he’s going to make fun of me
Kyle Broflovski: Im sending it now dude
Kyle Broflovski: But also, that’s cool dude im really happy for you really
Stan Marsh: thanks man, sorry i didn’t tell you earlier
operation: sneak out kyle
condom: @Whore *image attached*
Whore: LMFAO
Whore: dicks
glass closet: KYLE
condom: It was funny.
butters♡: multiple dicks
Whore: yeah why’d u add the s stan
butters♡: it’s ok if you’re into that stan! we don’t judge!
glass closet: INTO WHAT
Whore: yeah it’s okay stan if ur into having multiple men
glass closet: please don’t finish that sentence
condom: Finish it Kenny.
Whore: i’ll finish u kyle
condom: Kenny.
Whore: i have more details to share
condom: About eating ass or Stan
Whore: stan ofc
glass closet: donteven think about it
Whore: LOLOLOL kyle do u want to hear it
condom: Ok Sure
Whore: dms NOW
glass closet: no no NO NO KENNY YOU CARE ABOUT ME RIGHT
Whore: LOLOL BRB STAN
To: Kyle Broflovski
From: Kenny McCormick
Kenny McCormick: hey baby
Kyle Broflovski: ….
Kenny McCormick: how are you
Kyle Broflovski: I’m doing fine.
Kenny McCormick: can i come over??
Kyle Broflovski: Probably, my mom likes you so she’ll probably say yes. Let me ask her first tho
Kyle Broflovski: Hold on
Kenny McCormick: take your time ky
Kyle Broflovski: When have you ever called me “Ky”
Kenny McCormick: just now ;)
Kenny McCormick: do you not like it
Kyle Broflovski: No, it’s fine. It’s just that only Stan calls me that after we argue.. Passive aggressive thing.
Kenny McCormick: speaking of stannnn
Kyle Broflovski: We’ll talk about him when you come over
11:24
operation: sneak out kyle
condom is online
condom: hey bitches
glass closet is online
glass closet: kyle???
condom: it’s kenny
glass closet: why.
condom: i’m at kyle’s house rn
glass closet: why.
condom: why not, ur having an attitude rn stanley
glass closet: fuck you dude
condom set glass closet’s user name to:
Kyle’s bitch
condom: ugh kyle’s auto caps
Kyle’s bitch: this is so not funny
Kyle’s bitch: kyle should be my bitch
condom: kyle is no one’s bitch but mine
Kyle’s bitch: are you just undoing the caps every time you type
condom: basically
Whore is online
Kyle’s bitch: ????
Whore: Kenny is letting me use his phone - Kyle
Whore: Kenny and his samsung.
condom: at least my phone can withstand being dropped five feet off the floor
Whore: LMAO Stan why is your name that
Kyle’s bitch: kenny changed it, i swear
Whore: Ew, I accidentally pressed Butters and Kenny’s priv chat
Kyle’s bitch: did you see dick
Whore: No but I saw ass
condom: good or bad ass
Whore: I don’t know who’s ass i saw but I don’t want to know
condom: do you think it was mine
Whore: I don’t know.
condom: wanna find out
Whore: Im going to kick you out of my house.
Kyle’s bitch: aren’t you guys right next to each other
condom: no
condom: kyle is getting us snacks from the kitchen
condom: oooohh should i look at the kyle and stan private messages
Kyle’s bitch: NO???
To: Stan Marsh
From: Kyle Broflovski
Kyle Broflovski: hi stan, it’s kenny
Stan Marsh: i figured
Stan Marsh: hi kenny…
Kyle Broflovski: stan……
Kyle Broflovski: these messages….
Stan Marsh: dude please don’t look at them
Kyle Broflovski: why did you send kyle a pic of you with just your football jersey on…
Stan Marsh: you’re making it sound a lot worse than it is.
Stan Marsh: FIRST it’s a harmless mirror selfie to show that my jersey is huge
Stan Marsh: SECOND i had boxers on if you look super close. they’re black i swear i had them on
Kyle Broflovski: you guys are so gay i can’t
Kyle Broflovski: kyle really reacted with a heart then “Wow. It looks good Stan”
Kyle Broflovski: dude….
Stan Marsh: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
Kyle Broflovski: kyle is coming back, delete ur messages and i’ll delete mine
Stan Marsh deleted multiple messages
Kyle Broflovski deleted multiple messages
Kyle walked into his room with a bag of chips under his arm and a bowl of mixed gummy candies as well as two water bottles. “Have you been looking through my phone?” He asks, calmly as he places the snacks on his desk.
“Of course. I’ve seen all your nudes, Kyle.” Kenny winked as he put up his hand for the other to throw him a water bottle. “Yeah, because I have so many nudes in my phone.” He rolled his eyes as he under-hand tossed the water to him. Kenny put Kyle’s phone down before Kyle threw Kenny’s phone at him right after.
“Hey! Be careful!”
“Okay, okay. Sorry. Anyways, you said you wanted to talk about Stan.” Kyle says as he makes his way to the bed that Kenny is sitting on, his back is leaning against the wall and his legs are crossed with a blanket on them. “Right, Stan. So, what’s been happening with you two lately?” He asks before sipping on his water.
The red-head sighs, stretching his arms. “Are you going to tell him?”
“Never.”
Kyle pauses, “alright. Stan has been kind of distant lately and I’m not sure why. Like. it seems like he hates everything about me, it’s only really when he gets drunk that he gets super touchy and emotional around me in person anymore. Texting is super normal. It’s really bad though— My mom walked into my room when Stan was drunk and he was full on trying to— I don’t even know and she freaked out!” He exclaims. “And this is all very recent too, he’s only started acting like this since the summer started. It’s just so frustrating but, I don’t want him to blow up on me for calling him out on all of this. I’m not mad at him for all of the stuff he does when he’s drunk because one; I don’t really let him do anything and two. I know he doesn’t mean it.”
Kenny stays silent as he watches Kyle explode over this, word after word and the blonde is sure the other may break down at any moment. “Kyle. I don’t want to be that person but drunk actions are sober thoughts.” He says and Kyle scoffs.
“Right, because Stan is still not over Wendy or Gary. Trust me, he cries over every relationship he’s ever had when he has the attention to.” Kyle says as he crosses his arms, stealing Kenny’s water bottle and drinking out of it. Kenny doesn’t argue because he’s sure he’s dealing with a ticking bomb.
The blonde shrugs, “I don’t know. I mean there has to be an explanation with him doing all of this in the span of a month and a half. He starts being a little distant and weird but when he doesn’t have control of his body he starts flirting with you. Not a coincidence at all.”
Kyle says, “I don’t want Stan to like me. Dude, I’m not gay so I don’t even know how I’d respond if he said anything to me.”
Kenny is silent, “you’re not gay?”
“What? Did you think I was?”
“A little. You dress kind of gay .”
“I don’t dress gay!” Kyle’s fashion can only be described as ‘80s angsty teen’, his usual outfits are a plain crewneck sweater and jeans with those obnoxious high top adidas shoes. His winter outfit getting switched out for a random oversized shirt with his multi colored, patterned shorts that he seems to have multiples of. “Dude, you’re literally wearing half of the colors of the rainbow on your shorts.”
“I’m doing laundry and they’re— Whatever, I’m not arguing with you. Going back on topic, I’m not gay. If Stan somehow likes me and tells me, I don’t know what I’d do.”
“So,” Kenny drags out the word. “You’d think about it? It’s not an automatic no?”
Kyle quickly replies back, “of course I would think about it! Stan is my best friend and— and, I don’t know.”
“Does dating Stan seem not that bad. He’s crazy but, he’s not bad looking.” Kenny says, “dude. You have a cute football player crushing on you. Everyone thinks he’s so cool too.”
“Whatever, dude.”
“Okay, now listen. Football player dating hot basketball player, match made in heaven.” Kenny says in a joking-non joking way that makes Kyle hit him on the arm. “I swear! It would be perfect!”
Kyle sighs, crawling to the edge of his bed and standing up. “Now, if I were to date Stan. Then what? Ive never dated anyone let alone dated a guy.” He says as he grabs the bowl of candy and passes it to Kenny.
“Go on dates, talk about sex and love each other— I don’t know, it’s just like dating a girl.”
“Oh god, dates, sex, love. Way too complicated.” Kyle says as he opens up the bag of potato chips and makes his way back to his bed. He sits on the edge, “what? So I take him out, talk about STDs and then say ‘I love you.’”
Kenny rolls his eyes, chewing on sour patch watermelons. “Gay sex is not all about STDs. Stan might have some though, I don’t trust him.” He says and Kyle quickly shoots him a look. “I’m kidding— kidding. Have you never watched gay porn?”
Kyle shakes his head, “you’re so much straighter than I’d thought you’d be.” Kenny says. “Sorry that I haven’t watched gay sex, Kenny.”
“Do you want to?”
“No!” Kyle yells, “I know what it is. Two guys just— ass fucking each other.”
Kenny shrugs, “yeah basically. So what do you envision yourself as, fucking or fucked?”
“Kenny, you cannot be serious.” Kyle says as he reaches his hand in the bowl to pull out a gummy worm. “I’m serious, Broflovski.” Kenny teases and the other winces.
Kyle thinks for a moment, “I don’t know. I guess— I don’t know!.” He mutters and Kenny smiles. “You haven’t even thought about it once? Every guy has thought about having sex with another guy at least once in their life.”
“I think that’s just a you thing, dude.” Kyle says and Kenny shakes his head. “No, no. Imagine, you and Stan—“ Kyle puts his hand over Kenny’s mouth.
“No, we are not talking about me and Stan having sex.”
“Will you at least record you and Stan’s sex tape?” His voice is muffled.
“No!”
operation: sneak out kyle
Whore: BUTTERS
butters♡: KENNY
Whore: i’m bored can i come over
condom is online
condom: You were just at my house.
Whore: blah blah blah
butters♡: of course silly you don’t have to ask
butters♡: but come through the window, my dad locked the front door and is in the living room
Whore: i’ll be there asap baby
Kyle’s bitch is online
Kyle’s bitch: i’m so bored too but kyle is grounded imma kms
butters♡: you can come over too
Whore: don’t, i was planning something with butters
Kyle’s bitch: like what…
Whore: connect the dots ;)
butters♡: oh wow….!
Whore: i’ll be there
Kyle’s bitch: you guys r so weird
Whore is offline
butters♡: he’s probably driving right now!
condom: My parents are gonna be out tonight but Ike might snitch on me.
fatass is online
butters♡: hey eric!
fatass: Hi Butters
Kyle’s bitch: i can come
Kyle’s bitch: OVER
Kyle’s bitch: oh my gosh i meant come over my message just didn’t send right away kyle i’m so sorry
fatass: Yeah we understood that we didn’t need the explanation gay
condom: Dude
condom: Also yeah come over
Whore is online
Whore: @butters♡ do you wanna go to kyle’s?? i’m outside ur window
butters♡: yes i’ll climb down the ladder
Whore: ok kyle, butters and i are coming over
Kyle’s bitch: cartman u coming??
Kyle’s bitch: bc if you are, you’re only invited if you bring your moms alcohol
fatass: Isn’t your dad an alcoholic, why don’t you have it at your house
Kyle’s bitch: my dad will care if he finds out i took something
Kyle’s bitch: your mom won’t care
fatass: Ugh fine, i’ll bring stuff
fatass: I’ll be there in a few I think my mom wants me to meet her new boyfriend
condom: Is it the third one this week
fatass: Get off my dick
Whore: damn
Kyle’s bitch: i saw your mom and her new boyfriend like three days ago
Kyle’s bitch: i think her boyfriend is friends with my dad dude
condom: What did he look like
Kyle’s bitch: fat
Whore: maybe cartman will get along with him then
Whore: anyways we’re about to leave
condom: K please be mindful
Kyle’s bitch: no one’s going to be
butters♡ is offline
Whore is offline
Kyle’s bitch: i think they’re in the car now
Kyle’s bitch: i’m walking over to your house kyle
fatass: Where r we hanging
condom: My living room? Idk when my parents will be home though
condom: So if we get caught you guys have to say that you’re helping me babysit Ike
fatass: And if we don’t
condom: I’ll fucking break your nose
fatass: Ok jesus Kyle..
Kyle’s bitch: kyle i see u through ike’s window
Kyle’s bitch: what r u doinggggg
condom: Telling Ike that i’m having friends over to watch him
fatass: Right “watch” …….
condom: Do you want to be uninvited or not
fatass: Ugh you are so annoying Kyle
condom: Idc
Kyle’s bitch: do you guys wanna smoke tn
condom: Uhhhh maybe in the backyard not in the house
Kyle’s bitch: nice i’ll bring weed
condom: No, not now. My mom is gonna find out if you bring it now, go back home later
Kyle’s bitch: come on
condom: No dude
condom: I’m already on thin ice with my parents, they will murder me if they know you brought anything
fatass: Who cares.
condom: Shut up, fatass
fatass: Fuck you Kyle!
fatass: Stan is literally offering us free stuff his dad grows.
condom: And?? Sorry but I don’t want to be killed by my parents
fatass: You’re so lame
condom: Am not.
fastass: @Kyle’s bitch Tell your bf to admit he’s lame
condom: Ugh.
Kyle’s bitch: he’s not my boyfriend and no i will not say it
fatass: Stop defending your gay boyfriend and admit it. He’s lame
Kyle’s bitch: well…
condom: Unbelievable.
fatass: @Whore Can you and Butters drive me to Kyles?
condom: What?
condom: You live walking distance fatass!
fatass: Shut up It’s late and I don’t feel like walking!
butters♡ is online
butters♡: kenny said sure, we’re on your street we’ll be there in two
butters♡: wait outside
fatass: Thanks Kenny.
butters♡: he called you a fatass
fatass: I am not FAT.
condom: Maybe only a little.
fatass: Shut up asshole.
Kyle’s bitch is offline
fatass: Whyd you go offline bitch.
Kyle’s bitch is online
Kyle’s bitch: i’m at kyle’s already
fatass: Did you drive?
Kyle’s bitch: ??? no i walked
Kyle’s bitch is offline
butters♡: kenny said “don’t start anything yet, i have the condoms”
butters♡: ewww ignore that
condom: Okay ew.
fatass: You guys are such gay assholes.
condom: You are the gayest one here, don’t make me bring up elementary school.
fatass: I have a girlfriend so fuck you.
condom: Yeah yeah okay.
fatass: At least my super straight best friend doesn’t want to suck my balls 24/7
condom: Dude shut up.
butters♡: eric we’re here!
butters♡ is offline
fatass is offline
condom: Bitch
condom is offline
4:32 PM
operation: sneak out kyle
Whore is online
Whore: did you guys take the fattest nap or what
Kyle’s bitch is online
Kyle’s bitch: the second i got home i fell asleep dude
Kyle’s bitch: how long were we up till
Whore: idk
Whore: kyle’s parents got home at 1 and we smoked until sunrise
Kyle’s bitch: kyle’s parents didn’t even care
Kyle’s bitch: i’m pretty sure they knew we were smoking weed
Whore: of course they did
Whore: five highschool boys sitting in a circle on some lawn chairs.. not smoking pot
butters♡ is online
butters♡: hey fellas
Whore: how are you texting while in the shower
butters♡: i’m waiting for the water to heat up silly
Whore: why can’t you come out here and wait then
butters♡: kenny i have no clothes on
Whore: i don’t mind
Kyle’s bitch: ew guys not here
butters♡: blame kenny!
Kyle’s bitch: kenny plz flirt with butters in the pms or irl
Whore: he’s about to be in the shower how am i supposed to survive
butters♡: you can shower with me if you’d like
Whore is offline
butters♡ is offline
Kyle’s bitch: ok ew.
fatass is online
Kyle’s bitch: hey cartman
fatass: Hey Stan.
Kyle’s bitch: how are you from last night
Kyle’s bitch: lol
fatass: I’m so fucking tired, I can barely keep my eyes open
Kyle’s bitch: dude i literally fell asleep for a few minutes trying to get cereal
fatass: And they call me the sad pathetic one
Kyle’s bitch: shut up
fatass: Where is Kyle
fatass: Do you think his mom murdered him and cut off his ginger balls
Kyle’s bitch: a possibility
Kyle’s bitch: @condom
fatass: @condom
condom is online
condom: hey
Kyle’s bitch: dude when did you turn off auto caps
condom: you turned them off for me
fatass: I remember it happening right in front of my eyes.
fatass: Dude Stan. You grabbed Kyles phone then proceeded to basically grab his dick through his pants.
fatass: Probably didn’t remember since his dick is too small to feel.
condom: dude shut the fuck up. its not.
Kyle’s bitch: WHAT did i actually do that???
condom: i don’t even remember this so you’re lying cartman!
fatass: Saw it with my two eyes.
fatass: Ask Kenny or Butters if you don’t believe me.
fatass: Oh wait, they’re in the shower probably having gay sex.
condom: you’re unbelievable.
fatass: Boohoo cry about it.
Kyle’s bitch: i don’t believe you but i was sooo high i think i smoked like 4 j’s
Kyle’s bitch: i felt soo sick being crossed
condom: i remember you were crying.
Kyle’s bitch: when i got home i threw up
condom: are you ok now?
Kyle’s bitch: yeah
Kyle’s bitch: i took a shower and advil
Whore is online
Whore: y’all wanna go to dennys tn
condom: what.
fatass: Yeah if I get a ride.
condom: seriously?
Kyle’s bitch: i’ll go
condom: guys.
Kyle’s bitch: what happened kyle
condom: i’m grounded still.
Whore: this is a perfect time to sneak you out
condom: and how will you do that exactly?
Whore: jump out your window
condom: no, absolutely not. i am not jumping out of my window.
Kyle’s bitch: then no dennys for you
condom: ugh
Whore: he’s joking
Whore: we’ll figure something out rn
condom: thank you kenny
Whore: do you have a ladder
condom: probably in my garage but i feel like going in my garage would be weird.
Whore: kyle we are running out of options
Kyle’s bitch: okay kyle
Kyle’s bitch: i have something that will sound crazy but bare with me
condom: go on..
Kyle’s bitch: climb onto your roof and slide down onto the tree behind your house
condom: fuck no!
Kyle’s bitch: there’s no other way besides that or jumping out your window
Kyle’s bitch: but at least with my idea you have something to cling onto
condom: ok fine i’ll do it.
fatass: Kyle jumping out of a window??
fatass: I want to see this
condom: i hate you cartman
Whore: everyone meet at kyle’s house at 8 <3
Whore is offline
fatass is offline
Kyle’s bitch is offline
condom is offline
Kenny and Butters are the first to be at Kyle’s house, the messy blonde’s usual orange parka getting retired during the summer for one of Butters’ yellow sweaters. He keeps it, so Butters insists on calling it his own but Kenny loves the idea that he’s wearing something of Butters’ .
Butters hops out of the passengers seat with Kenny following, shutting his door and then walking to the side walk. Shutting Butters’ door for him as he stood and tried to look through Kyle’s bedroom window. Whenever Kenny and Butters are together, Kenny never wants the other to work which means not even shutting his own door.
“You see him?” Kenny asks as his hands reach his sweater pockets. The other shakes his head with a sigh, “no. What if his mom killed him for real?”
The messy blonde bended over to grab a small pebble, smaller than the size of a penny. He chucks it at Kyle’s window, silently praying that he doesn’t break anything. The light turns on though and Kenny smiles.
“Oh, geez Kenny. Did you break something?” Butters asks and the other waves him off. “Of course not, I would never break anything on the Broflovski house.” He says as takes a step back and leans on the side of his old dark grey car that has so many scratches it can be a pattern.
Stan walks towards the house, coming from the left. He has his hands in his jeans pockets and headphones in his ears, the cord running down against his white shirt. “Hey guys.” He smiles as he takes out his headphones and starts running up towards them.
“How funny would it be if he fell right,” that comment earns Kenny a hit from Butters.
As he makes it towards them, Stan smiles and looks the pair up and down. “Nice sweater, Kenny.” He teases as the other rolls his eyes.
“Nice jeans, Stan. Are they Kyle’s?” Kenny says, noticing that they’re rolled up at the bottom. In middle school, Stan was the tallest out of them all but as years went on. He grew to be one of the shortest.
He isn’t short, 5’9 isn’t short (He likes to make an argument that he’s 5’10 but he’s pushing 5’9) but Kyle is tall. Kyle being 6’0 makes Stan look like he’s nothing, Kenny and Butters are almost the same height only Butters being a little taller. It never bugged Kenny like Kyle being tall bugged Stan. Kenny and Butters are around 5’10 and Cartman grew to be around 5’11.
Their styles changed through middle and highschool, Stan never likes to be reminded but he did have an emo phase in 8th grade going into freshman year. After he joined the football team though, his mood towards life and his own style changed. He became somewhat of a jock before settling and finding his own style. Kyle likes to call it “depressed and relatable boy from a coming of age movie.”
Kenny and Butters are almost the same size so Kenny loves stealing clothes from the other but, everyone finds Kenny with all of their clothes on. Kyle’s shirts are Kenny’s favorites, he always has the random baggy graphic tee shirts he gets from volunteering or sports.
Everyone seems to steal Kyle’s clothes though, from the scene in front of their eyes right now. Stan in Kyle’s dark washed jeans, them being folded a little above his ankles right where his red converse land. “Kyle gave them to me a few months ago, he said he didn’t like the style of them anymore.” Stan shrugged and Kenny sighs. “Why doesn’t he give me his jeans?”
“Probably because you take his shirts, you already have a whole closet of Butters’ clothes.”
Kenny rolls his eyes jokingly and then looks back into Kyle’s bedroom window. “Where’s Eric?” Butters asks and they both shrug, “he’ll get here eventually.”
After a few minutes of talking, Kenny throws another pebble at the window and they see a stumbling Kyle walking towards his window. He opens it and makes a face of ‘what are you doing’ to them. Stan mouthes, ‘climb up your roof!’
Kyle shakes his head and walks away from the window but still leaving it open. Cartman suddenly walks up, “hey guys.” He says loudly and the rest of them shush him. “Okay, sorry ladies didn’t realize this was a no talk zone.” He mutters as he puts his hands into the pockets of his beige cargo shorts.
His attention turns to the open window and he picks up a decently sized rock and chucks it through the window, hearing Kyle yell “ow!” after it. As Cartman and Kenny laugh, Butters and Stan sigh.
A few lights turn on and they all panic, they’ve alerted the Broflovski family of their presence. They hear the front door open quickly and see Kyle’s dad, Gerald. Gerald is wearing a plaid robe and blue sweatpants.
He walks out barefoot and squints at the four boys, “hey boys. Sorry, Kyle is grounded. It’s also a bit late, shouldn’t you be at home asleep?” He says and Cartman argues back. “It’s only 8:30. Why is Kyle even grounded?” He pushes.
Gerald sighs, rubbing his forehead. “He’s grounded because me and his mother found condoms in his room. Now, it’s not a laughing matter it’s serious because he’s not telling us who it’s for and that’s dangerous.” He diverts his attention away from Kenny who can’t help but giggle.
Cartman sighs, “listen Mr. Broflovski. If we tell you who Kyle is having sex with, will you let him hang out with us tonight?” He asks and Gerald stays silent for a few seconds. “Yeah, I will.”
Cartman looks around at all of them, “It’s Stan.”
“What?” Almost all of them say in unison.
Stan’s mouth opens and Cartman steps on his foot, making him quiet. “I— Yeah, it’s me. Can Kyle come hang with us?” He says, “we have to discuss some important things. You know, boy stuff.”
As Gerald sighs, still processing what they’re saying. They see Kyle in the back shooting them a questioning thumbs up. Kenny holds up his phone and points to it, signaling that he’ll text the news to the red head.
Two messages from Kenny McCormick
To: Kenny McCormick
From: Kyle Broflovski
Kenny McCormick: ok so listen, we might have lied a little to get you out of current trouble. so i’ll tell you the lie to go along with it because i think ur dad is super convinced
Kenny McCormick: cartman told you dad that you’re sexually involved with stan and that you needed the condoms to keep safe from stds and stuff
Kyle Broflovski: CARTMAN DID WHAT
Kenny McCormick: your dad is super convinced dude, i think he’s going to let you hang with us tonight
Kyle Broflovski: oh god. my dad is going to tell my mom and my mom is going to tell stan’s mom and stan’s mom is going to tell cartman’s mom and cartman’s mom is going to tell the whole town that i’m fucking stan marsh
Kenny McCormick: listen it could be worse, Cartman could have said himself
Kyle Broflovski: ugh ew
Kenny McCormick: ur dad is letting you go, come down big boy
9:53 AM
operation: sneak kyle out
Whore: hey sluts
Kyle’s bitch: hi kenny
condom: Hi
Kyle’s bitch: you turned auto caps on :/
condom: I had to write an essay on my phone for a job.
condom: It was just easier turning it back on.
Whore: i meannnn… your in a fake relationship with stan so you gotta turn off auto caps.
Whore: gay = no auto caps
condom: First, it’s you’re** and secondly we are not actually together.
Whore: according to your dad you are
Kyle’s bitch: Fuck off Kenny
butters♡ is online
butters♡: hi fellas! did your family say anything kyle?
Whore: hi buttercup :)
butters♡: kenny!! hi do you want to come over later
Whore: why later and not now??
butters♡: i thought you’d be busy now..
Whore: not busy, can i come over now?
butters♡: yes, you don’t have to climb through the window. go through the back door
Whore: i’ll be there soon <3
condom: Hi butters…
condom: And no, my mom is just being really weird
Kyle’s bitch: did smth happen
condom: She bought a small pride flag and put it in our flower pot then proceeded to say “I’m so proud of you Kyle! I always knew something was going on” …..
Kyle’s bitch: LMFAO
Kyle’s bitch: even my parents weren’t that supportive when i actually came out
condom: Also Stan, my mom wants you to come over for dinner one night
Whore: ooohhh this is serious
condom: We can fake a breakup before
Whore: boooooo boooooo boooooooooo
condom: Shut up Kenny
Kyle’s bitch: how will we fake a break up
Kyle’s bitch: your parents will hate me
condom: Say that we both thought it was for the better!
condom: Maybe that we talked about our future??? I don’t know dude
Kyle’s bitch: okay……….
condom: I’ve never broken up with anyone before, I don’t know how to break up with people!
Kyle’s bitch: i don’t either, the reason why i got dumped was because wendy decided she liked girls and slept with bebe
condom: That was rough dude
Kyle’s bitch: ik but it’s whatever now
condom: @Whore How do we break up but end on good terms?
Whore: say that you think you’re straight
Whore: but also mention that stan was a really good boyfriend and helped you experiment
condom: I think that would work if Cartman didn’t say that we were having sex four months prior.
Whore: you could change your mind in four months!
condom: Stop lying
Whore: im serious kyle
condom: Okay, okay
condom: @Kyle’s bitch
Kyle’s bitch: hi
condom: meet me in front of my house in a few