Work Text:
Yukio pushed the thin brush inside the barrel, swishing it around to coat the inside with the cleaning fluid, making sure to get every nook and cranny before sliding the tool back out, taking a moment to inspect the dust that gathered on its bristles. It had been at least four months since he last took the time to clean his guns, he wasn't quite sure when he cleaned them last before the order confiscated them.
Despite fighting on the side of the true cross, once the war against satan and the Illuminati were over, he knew they weren't going to let his past actions slide. He said it before, but there was no longer a place for him in the order. It took a long time, but with Shura and Mephisto backing him up, the council agreed to a "mutual retirement plan". A plan in which he was banned from teaching at the academy, wouldn't be allowed to resume his work as an exorcist (if he even still wanted to) for twelve months and would have his weapons confiscated for four months. Yesterday being the final day of the four months he had to wait to get his pistols back.
The cram school had just started again after all the dust finally settled about a month ago. From what he heard from Shura, the whole order was in shambles after the war, he was almost surprised they managed to get the schools running again so quickly. Because of it, he spent most of his time home alone. He stopped going to his regular high school classes long ago, turning his extended leave of absence (granted to him by Mephisto to " improve his mental health") into an excuse to justify dropping out of school entirely. His life was so busy and draining for so long, that as soon as he got the chance to rest, he couldn't stop himself. He did miss the constant distraction from his thoughts sometimes, but he couldn't bring himself to go back to it no matter how bad they got.
He checked the clock as he picked up a small microfiber cloth to wipe down the gun's interior, making sure to wipe away every last speck of dust that gathered inside it. Rin would probably be home soon. He didn't know that Yukio had his guns back yet, and he was not looking forward to whatever conversation was sure to ensue when he found out. Ever since they returned to the dorm, their relationship was weirder than it had ever been. Sometimes yukio even preferred their fight on the airship over the way rin somehow managed to simultaneously dote on him and walk on eggshells at the same time. It was degrading. He hated feeling weak, but that was pretty much all he felt lately.
Having his guns back did give him a small sense of control back though, which he was certainly grateful for. He started to piece the weapon back together, finding comfort in the methodical action he hadn't been able to do in so long. Once the final piece was back on, he lifted the weapon with his right hand, relishing in the familiar weight of it as he gently swayed it back and forth. His lips curved upwards slightly. Just as he grabbed the cloth again with his left hand to finish dusting the exterior metal, the silence was interrupted by the sound of an opening door.
"I'm back" rin said, dropping his backpack on the floor with a loud thud, causing Yukio to flinch slightly. He didn't turn his head, focusing on wiping down the gun as he heard his brother's footsteps get closer to him, his heart skipping a beat at their sudden stop by his side. "why do you have those?" Rin asked, his concerned expression evident in his voice as he spoke. " I thought the order took those away…"
"They did" Yukio replied, still trying to act calm as he inspected the now shining weapon one last time before resting it on the desk next to the other one. " for four months. I got them back yesterday"
"Oh…" rin replied, his worried face unchanging as he sat down on his bed directly right of Yukio's work station. "Well… what are you doing with them?"
"Cleaning," he said, finally turning his head to make eye contact with the other boy. "Well, I was but I just finished as you walked in"
"No, I mean…" he took a breath. "What are you going to do with them?"
"What are you talking about?" Yukio responded, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair. "I'm just going to keep them with me like I did before, in my bag"
"Oh" rin looked down for a moment, seemingly debating what he was going to say before looking to his left and opening his mouth again. "are you sure that's ok?" He looked back at Yukio.
"Why?" He responded, uncrossing his arms to pick the gun up again, the weight helping to keep him grounded. "Are you scared?" He tried to hide the small smirk that turned up the corner of his lips. Rin took a deep breath.
"Yes"
The single word was enough to wipe the gin off his face completely, his eyes wide open as his heartbeat increased again. The serious response to his little half-joke caused his entire mood to shift from annoyed and uncomfortable, to sheer panic. He tried not to show it on his face, but rin had been way too perceptive lately. something to do with taking control of his demon form. His brother's face was almost blank, except for the hint of a frown creeping its way onto his lips. There was a brief silence between them, Rin was waiting for him to respond.
“Oh…” It was the only thing he could manage to push past his lips, an invisible presence forcing his vocal cords to be still. Rin’s emotionless expression finally faltered, his frown now in full force as he looked down.
“Sorry…” He said, slightly quieter than before. “It's just that… the last time you had those you kinda…” His voice quivered slightly at the end, lifting his right hand to scratch the back of his neck. Yukio bit the inside of his cheek, hard.
“I shot you in the head”
There was a brief pause, and rin sighed, picking his head up and making direct eye contact with his twin.
“You shot yourself, yukio”
His stomach dropped, leaving behind a dark pit in its wake. His whole body went cold, everything slowing to a halt, almost like he was completely frozen. It took him a few seconds to realize he had stopped breathing, but when he tried to start again, the air caught in the back of his throat, causing him to choke. He rested his elbow on the desk, leaning his head against his palm with the pistol pointed up towards the ceiling, his other hand coming to cover his eyes with an angry grip around his temples.
That was not what he expected to hear.
He tried to control his breathing, but its shallowness was clearly audible through the silent room. Rin gulped. Neither of them spoke for almost a full minute before he got the courage to elaborate on his thoughts.
“I guess what I'm trying to say is…” Rin’s nerves shook his thoughts out of place, worried that whatever he was about to say would set yukio off again, as it often did. His reaction was already not good, and he didn't want to make it any worse, but he had to say it. He wanted yukio to know. “I'm not scared of you… I'm scared for you”
Suddenly yukio shot up out of his chair, the hand over his eyes sliding down to cover his mouth, creating a physical barrier so he wouldn't shout out something he knew he would regret later. The way his hand shook against his lips only made the whirlwind of emotions inside of him spin faster.
“No. No, no, no…” He said, quietly at first, his voice going up a few decibels with each word. Rin stood up as well, his sights attached to the gun in Yukio's right hand that waved around as he spoke.
Yukio hated it. He hated his mind, and himself. He hated so much that he was excited when rin said that he was scared, and he hated even more that he was mad that rin wasn't scared of him. He was scared for him. It was humiliating, he was so weak that the only fear he could create was fear that he was going to try to kill himself again. It infuriated him how Rin could only see him as someone who was too pathetic to have a weapon in case he hurt himself with it. He hated that the first thing that came to his mind was his crimes against others, and the first thing his twin thought of was his pathetic attempts to run away from his problems instead of dealing with them. He wanted rin to be scared of him. He wanted his brother to be afraid of what he could do, and he resented him for not understanding that. He hated rin for calling him weak, and he hated himself because he knew it was true. But most of all, he hated that he was thinking any of this in the first place.
“Hey, yukio… can you just um” Rin reached out his hand with an open palm. He tried to hide the guilt and confusion in his voice since he knew that somehow, something he said had caused yukio to go into another episode. If it wasn't for his quick breaths, he was sure he would be able to hear his heart racing. But there was no time to figure out what happened, he had to try and help. He needed to keep yukio safe, and right now, that meant getting that gun away from him. Knowing yukio though, it would not be an easy task. He swallowed, making sure to keep his voice steady as he spoke. “Can you give me the gun? Please?”
Rin’s request suddenly brought him out of his head, reminding him of the weapon he was carrying. Lucky for him, it did nothing but make the situation worse. The first thing he thought of when he heard rin ask for the gun, was to point it at him again, and the second he realized how terrible that was, he wanted to point it at himself. His hand on the grip tightened, his already turbulent thoughts turning into a hurricane. He took a step closer to the wall, the hand over his mouth gripping harder, digging his nails into his cheek. He held the gun above his head, resting his wrist on the wall as he shoved his forehead into it, trying to steady himself. Rin flinched when he saw yukio move the pistol, the gravity of the situation starting to set in even further. This was really, really bad.
“Yukio, please. Just hand it to me and I won't say anything else” He tried to sound as calm as possible, not bothering to hide his fearful expression as he took a step closer. “I’ll leave you alone, so just… just please give it to me”
Yukio pushed his head further into the wall, the pressure on his forehead causing it to ache with pain. He knew what the right answer was. He knew what he needed to do, but it felt so… weak. He wanted to prove to rin that he was strong, that he was someone to fear. That he was the one in control, and he had the power to do whatever he wanted. He loved the fear, he loved the way it made him feel. It made him feel strong. It made him feel like he wasn't weak. But he was, and the fact that he loved the fear so much proved it. Someone who was really strong wouldn’t rely on fear. Real strong people made other people happy. They gave others hope. Like his brother.
Yukio wanted so bad to destroy his weaknesses, to be like Rin, to be able to make people happy, but he couldn't. He was already too far gone, too bad. He was a terrible person, the type of person the world would be better off without. The type of person people wouldn't care about dying. The type of person that people would want to die. The type of person that deserved to die. His sins were deeply carved into his soul, and he would never be able to repent. He was evil. And yet, Rin was still scared for him. Rin was scared he would try to hurt himself. Rin was scared of his death. RIn wanted him to be alive, and so did the others. Shura, Sheimi, Suguro, Izumo, Konekomaru, even Shima. They all told him that they wanted him to live. They all told him that he still had good in him, that he would be able to repent. That his life… was worth living… and as much as he hated himself, as much as he knew they were wrong, he still wanted to try. He didn't want to hurt people anymore. He wanted to get better.
He took a deep breath, letting the hand over his mouth drop down to his side. Rin watched with bated breath as he slowly pulled his forehead from the wall, the gun lowering from above his head, to his side. He quickly put on his emotionless expression when Yukio's eyes came into view, his heart skipping a beat at the wetness that covered his eyes with a light sheen. He watched closely as he shut his eyes, his right hand slowly inching towards his. He looked down as he suddenly felt something heavy against his palm. It was the gun!
“Thank you”. He couldn't hide the relieved smile on his face as he wrapped his hand around the cold metal, quickly dashing to the desk to grab the other with his left hand.
Yukio let out a shaky breath as he released the weapon, the lack of weight making his hand feel empty. His legs felt like jelly, a mixture of exhaustion and embarrassment causing him to stumble down to his knees. He put a hand over his eyes, another pang of humiliation shooting through his veins at the liquid he felt on his cheeks. He bit his lip, wiping away the tears with his fist as he turned around to lean his back against the wall, planting his feet on the floor to rest his elbows on his thighs and further burry his face into his hands, trying to hide despite knowing his twin had watched the whole incident. He sighed, tilting his head down even further to dig his fingers into his hair. He heard rin take a few steps closer to the door before pausing.
“I'm going to bring these to shura…” He said, tucking one of the guns into his elbow to open the door with a free hand. “ Do you want me to tell her to talk to you?”
He thought for a moment, trying to ignore the embarrassment stewing in his chest. He needed to be better. Slowly, he nodded.
“Ok, We’ll be back soon”
“Yeah…” His voice was weak and scratchy as he responded. Rin nodded, not sure if yukio could see it, but taking comfort in the gesture anyways before finally leaving the room, running downstairs with the guns in his hands to shura’s room.
He knocked on the door with his knuckle, the pistol now in the center of his vision causing his heart to shake slightly before he was suddenly brought out of his thoughts by an annoyed shout.
“What do you want? I'm trying to nap!” His mentor’s distinct grumbling helping him to feel a bit more relaxed after the situation upstairs. The smile that crept onto his lips quickly faded as he remembered what he was here to do.
“Yukio had an episode again…” He said, the air suddenly feeling still as he spoke. “I have his guns…”. As soon as his sentence finished, the door was slammed open.
“What?!” Shura shouted, her short hair even more messy than usual to compliment her off-kilter pajamas and baffled expression.“Why does he have those?” She instantly took the guns from his hands, the release of the weight helping to calm him down even further as she watched her shove them into a drawer by her bed.
“It’s been four months” He replied as she walked back over to lean against the door frame with crossed arms. “ He got them back last night… I saw him cleaning them as I walked in and tried to talk to him about it…”
“And he flipped out?” She asked, her shoulders slumping slightly as she used her serious voice on him. Rin nodded.
“I'm not sure why… maybe because i-” He stopped for a second, still not quite comfortable talking about this particular subject. Shura stared at him, her expression forcing him to continue. “I told him I was scared he might… “
“Kill himself?” She filled in for him, a hint of sadness in her voice. Rin looked down with a sullen expression.
“Yeah…”
“So what did he do?” She asked, trying to get as much information as possible before inspecting the situation herself. He shifted uncomfortably, looking away.
“He just kinda… freaked out” His clearer mind helped to recall the events. “ He seemed mad or upset or something. He just kept saying no over and over and started panicking. I didn't know what to do because he was holding one of the guns. I just tried to get it away from him as fast as possible…”
“Is he still like that now?” She asked, her posture straightening slightly as her back stiffened. Rin looked back at her.
“I think he calmed down. He was sitting on the floor when I left.” His hands relaxed a bit at his sides. “ He said he wanted to talk to you”
“Good” Shura replied, stepping out of the doorway and closing it behind her. She took a second to straighten out her clothes before walking ahead of him. “ You can come with me, but dont say anything. We dont want to set him off again.”
“Yeah, that sounds good” He replied, following behind her as they ran up to their room again.
Yukio was still on the floor, his knees closer together now with his head buried between them. It had been a few minutes since rin had left, leaving him alone with his thoughts and humiliation. He hadn't had a breakdown like that in almost two weeks, It was pathetic, and all over some stupid guns. He thought he was ready to have them back, but his shameful actions made him reconsider. He almost pointed it at rin again… He was no better than he was four months ago… The tears he thought he had wiped away slowly started to blur his vision again, and he squeezed his legs closer to his chest. He just wanted this stupid thing to be over. He wished he was never born in the first place.
Just as the first tear started to drop, the door was slammed open. He flinched, hard, quickly wiping away the wetness with his palm as two sets of footsteps entered the room. He bit his cheek. He felt a presence kneel down in front of him, so he slowly lifted his face, just enough for his eyes to poke out over his knees. It was Shura.
“ There you are…” She mumbled to herself, staring at the hint of teel over the crumpled-up body in front of her. Her stomach twisted at the redness covering his face, and the little remnants of liquid concentrated at the corners of his eyes. She took a deep breath, not allowing the hurt to transfer into her voice as she spoke with a soft voice. “ Do you wanna get up?” He tucked his head back into his knees, staying silent for a few seconds before responding in a broken voice that caused her already damaged heart to shatter.
“I dont wanna move…” It was quiet, barely above a whisper. If his demon blood hadn't increased his senses, Rin probably wouldn't have been able to hear it. He pressed his lips together, attempting to remain neutral as he watched the aftermath of his own brother's mental breakdown.
“I’ll just sit here then” Shura responded, twisting herself around to sit beside him with her back on the wall, the contrast between her more open relaxed posture and his closed-off ball making his heart shake. He followed suit, sitting down crisscrossed a few feet away from them, leaning his back against his bed frame. “Wanna tell me what happened or do I have to take that idiot’s word at face value,” She said, smirking a bit in Rins direction.
It was subtle, but Yukio knew what Shura was doing. She did it every time something like this happened. She was trying to lighten the mood. It sent a spike of anger through him, it was like she wasn't taking him seriously, even if he knew she was. What made him even madder, was that it somehow always seemed to work.
“Hey! I told you exactly what-!”
“Didn't I tell you to stay quiet!” She shot back, instantly shutting him up with a frustrated expression. Her smirk grew wider as Rin realized what she was doing too. “Jeez, your brother is a real pain, you know that?!” Yukio had to stifle a chuckle.
“I'm even worse you know…” He said, still not lifting his head as he was sure he would be admonished for finding humor where no one else did. But instead of a scold, Shura responded with a sigh.
“You got that right…”. Rin’s expression instantly morphed back to one of concern as he turned his attention from his teacher back to his brother. There was another short silence before she spoke up again. “So, was it because of what rin said?” HIs back stiffened, his tail twitching slightly as he paid close attention to whatever Yukio's answer would be. Another pause.
“He was wrong…” Yukio responded, even more, quiet than before, dipping his head further between his legs. Shura leaned her head against the wall with a light thud.
“You're not going to hurt yourself?” Both of them flinched at her blunt words, Rin’s body relaxing after the initial shock wore off, and Yukio’s becoming even tenser than before.
“That's not what I mean…” He replied. Shura frowned at that but chose to stay silent. Yukio lifted his head, his eyes staring straight into his brothers, casing rin to shift uncomfortably as he tried to maintain his calm expression. “He should be scared of me”. Shura’s eyes widened in shock, but she quickly regained her neutrality. Rin looked like he was almost about to cry.
“And why is that?” Shura asked the question as carefully as possible. Yukio’s face returned to his lap.
“Because…”. Because I’m bad. I'm evil. It's too late for me. I'll never get better. Because I hate him. Because I hate myself. Because I'm Stronger than him. Because I'm too weak… “Because I hurt him”
Rin could no longer hide his hurt expression. The tears welling up in his eyes finally began to fall, silently coating his cheeks with their warmth as he instinctively leaned forwards, trying to get closer to his twin.
“Yukio-!” He started, but Shura instantly shot him down with a disapproving look. He looked down, sitting back down as his tail wrapped around his torso. He sniffled, trying to keep the sounds of his crying to a minimum. He didn't want to upset yukio anymore than he already had.
“Are you going to hurt him again?” Shura asked, her calm tone on the edge of breaking as she watched the kids who saved her life, the kids she loved and cared for without even realizing it as soon as she met them, completely break down around her. She was willing to do anything to help, she had to. She needed to stay calm. She was the only person that Yukio was even slightly willing to talk to, and she would die before she ruined that trust.
“I dont know…” His voice was barely above a whisper now, but she had to keep pressing forward. It was the only way.
“Do you want to?”. Rin held his breath as he waited for the answer. He didn't care what Yukio said, he was his brother. His twin. No matter what, he would always be by his side. He was never going to let him slip away again, he promised that. Even if he hated his guts, even if he wanted him dead, he would never leave him alone again. He wouldn't make the same mistake twice.
“I -” Yukio began to answer, but suddenly stopped himself. Shura could practically hear the gears turning in his head, glancing between the two siblings as she waited for him to finish his answer. He looked up at Rin, staring over at him for a few seconds before turning his head to look at her for the first time since she sat next to him. He took a deep breath. “I dont want to hurt anyone… I just dont want to be weak anymore…”. His eyes filled with water, and finally, Shura broke. Her face twisted into one of guilt and sadness, wrapping her arms around the boy and forcing him into a tight hug. His arms stayed wrapped around his knees, but his face instantly dug deep into her shoulder, ad he began to sob.
As soon as rin heard the first whimper fall from his brother's lips, his attempt to hold back his own was completely foiled. He clenched his teeth, sticking his head in his hands as he could do nothing but listen to his twin cry, leaning over his legs so his face was almost on the floor. Tears dripped between his fingertips, decorating the old wood with little dots as they soaked into the floorboards. Shura had to hold back her own tears as Yukio cried into her shoulder.
“It's ok, you're not going to hurt him,” She said, gently rubbing her thumb up and down his back, earning her another choked sob that made her heart twist up in pain.
“But.. I was… I wanted…” he could barely speak through the pain in his throat, his feeble attempts to hold back his cries making it dry and scratchy. “How do you know! What if i-!”
“Because you're not going to” Shura reiterated, holding him impossibly closer. “ Because you're a good kid Yukio. If you wanted to hurt him, you already would have.” Another sob caught in the back of his throat, causing him to cough lightly. “ You are going to get better. You will. I promise”
The three of them sat together, their sobs slowly dying out and their tears beginning to dry up. Rin was the first to sit up, wiping the residual wetness from his red face with the back of his hand, staring intently at his brother as he slowly regained control of himself as well. He gently pushed his back against shura’s arms, signaling to her that he was ready for the mostly one-sided embrace to end. She complied, leaning back in her original position as she gave them time to collect themselves before speaking again.
“I’m going to keep the guns for now. We can talk about giving them back to you whenever you feel ready, not when the order says you are, got it?”. Yukio scrunched up his face in annoyance but figured it was probably best not to argue.
“Fine.”. He said. He turned his head to look back at rin, instantly regretting it when he saw his red features, opting to look at the ground instead. Rin’s heart skipped a beat when their eyes made contact, joining Yukio in staring at the floor the second he looked away. Shura sighed.
“Are you two gonna be ok if I leave you alone?” She asked as she pushed herself up to her feet, standing with her hands on her hips and a stern expression.
“I'm tired” Yukio responded, standing up as well. “I'm gonna go to bed”
“Um... I'll stay here too” Rin replied, standing up as well with a worried expression as he watched yukio flop down onto his bed, pulling the overs over himself completely. “Well be fine…” He didn't sound quite sure of himself, but Shura had faith that he’d be able to handle it from here. She gave him a weak smile.
“Good. Come get me again if you need me, ok?”
“Yeah, I will” Rin replied, sitting down on the edge of the bed, not taking his eyes off the lump of blankets that his brother had become.
“Yukio?” She wanted to make sure she had his confirmation too before she felt comfortable leaving.
“I will…” He practically groaned from beneath the covers, wanting this whole thing to be over with already so he could sleep. Shura nodded her head.
“Then I'll leave you to it”
Rin slumped back a bit as Shura closed the door behind her. It was starting to get late, Yukio had the right idea about going to bed. But before he did, he wanted to stay up a bit longer to make sure nothing happened. He knew Yukio’s guns were safely locked away in Shura’s room, but he still felt a bit uneasy about it. He swung his legs up onto his bed, pulling a thin blanket over them as he leaned back into his pillow, still facing the same direction. He gulped, opening his mouth to speak,
“Goodnight yukio”. There was a short pause…
“Goodnight, nii-san”