Chapter Text
January 2nd, 2012
Dear Riku,
The memorial stone was put up on your island today, I watched your parents as they placed it. They don't even have a body to bury, so they put up a stone for you.
I hate it.
It's cold and hard and nothing like you were. It's so impersonal, the only thing it said was "In memory of Riku." Nothing else. No, "he was loved" or anything at all. After all, it's not like you're dead. So why is it in memory of?
Kairi and me visited your paopu tree today, after we visited the memorium stone. Kairi cried. I did too, a little. I shouldn't have, I already cried too much for you since you disappeared. We shared a paopu fruit, from your paopu tree, and Kairi said that since we shared it, we'll never part. We'd never be away from each other. She said that if all three of us had eaten one together, that maybe we'd still be together. We'd still be the three musketeers.
We shared a paopu once too, do you remember? I didn't tell Kairi that. She might hate me for it. She's still holding onto that silly little girls mentality where she though she was in love with you. And maybe it's just me clinging on to that old legend, but I can't shake the feeling I'll see you again. One day. Our destinies are supposedly intertwined now, since we shared that paopu.
Later, after Kairi left, when it was dark out, I went to the rock with the plaque that your parents put up. I don't know how long I sat there and cried.
It was strange, seeing that stone with your name. Saying in memory of. It makes it seem like you're dead. You not though, I know you're not dead. But seeing that stone today...it made me realise that maybe you're really never coming back. That maybe I'll never see you again. That maybe I should forget about you. I could never forget you though.
I know I shouldn't after so long, but I still miss you so much.
Your friend,
Sora
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Two years, three months ago
September 29th, 2009
Dear Riku,
I'm only writing to you because the therapist that my parents are making me see told me it would be "beneficial to get my emotions out on paper". I really hate her.
She's one of those head shrink types, and she keeps asking me how this makes me feel. This, you just disappearing like that. I don't want to talk about it, but she doesn't understand that at all. No one does. They think that I need to talk about everything I'm feeling.
I don't need a therapist, I mean, I guess I might have stopped eating, and I didn't leave the house for a month after they said you were missing but it's not like you're dead. You can't be dead. I won't let you be.
When the cops came asking questions I never told them about the address you gave me, the one you wrote on the back of my hand with black ink and told me to never tell anyone. I kept my promise, I never told anyone.
I keep my promises, not like you. You said you'd never leave. You did, though. You left.
The shrink told me to start a journal. This a isn't exactly a journal, but it feels more normal. Why would I tell a piece of paper how I feel when I have you to write to. I hope you get these.
I could send them to your email, but you must have given me this address for a reason. It's old fashioned and completely out of date, but when I went to buy the envelopes and the stamps for them, it felt like when we were little and used to pass notes in school on old mismatched stationary our moms would give us. Just think of these as notes in school, and think of when we were younger, before everything happened. It makes me a little happier to think of then. Maybe it'll make you happy too, where ever you are.
I'd go looking for you if I could, but I don't have any idea where to start looking. And I know it would tear up my mom if I up and vanished again.
I don't know where you are or if you've even going to get these letters, but if you do, know that I miss you and that nothing feels the same without you here. I know that sounds like a bad teen romance novel cliche, but it's true. Nothing seems right anymore without you here.
I miss you.
Your friend,
Sora
**********
January 3rd, 2012
Dear Riku,
I keep hoping that it'll snow during winter, like it did on some of the other worlds I saw, but it never does, because it's always warm here. Christmas was weird without you, just like it was the last two years. Your parents came over to my house for dinner this time, I think that their place felt too empty without you. You never saw snow, did you? You would have loved it. Every single snowflake has a different pattern. They're beautiful and they seem almost magical.
We would have graduated that spring, remember? We were going to spend that summer off world and I was going to introduce you to all the people I had met and take you to all the worlds I visited.
I'm starting college in the fall. I took a year off, hoping that you might come home. I wanted to be here for it. We were going to go to college together, remember? We were going to get a little apartment together. We even had it picked out. Kairi was going to get the one above us, and we'd be together still. Kairi decided to take pre med, she decided she wants to be a nurse, she wants to help people. She seems so naive, even now. So sweet, so nice. Not like I am.
Kairi and me are going to get an apartment together instead. Somehow it feels like she's waiting for me to do something. I think she's waiting for me to ask her out. I don't think she realizes it's not highschool anymore and I don't like her like that. I don't think she realizes she's not a kid anymore, that we grew up a long time ago.
I haven't decided what I want my major to be yet. We were going to choose together, do you remember? We were going to be in the same courses. We wanted to stay together, always.
A long time ago, when we first found Destiny Islands again, you said that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. I laughed at you, because you sounded like a teen romance book and it was such a cliche moment. We were down by the ocean, it was dark out, and we had snuck out to go swimming in the ocean.
I wish I hadn't laughed at you now.
I visited your paopu tree again today. Maybe it's just the realization that college is starting in the fall and I'm growing up and you're gone, but I'm feeling nostalgic. Everything is linked to some sort of memory with you.
I miss you.
Your friend,
Sora
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January 4th, 2012
Dear Riku,
It feels like summer here compared to some of the other worlds I visited. It's only going to get hotter now that winter, or at least what can pass for winter here, is almost over.
Kairi brought over the course catalogue for Destiny Islands University today. She's planning on taking pre med and whatever other courses she needs for nursing. I'm still not sure what I want to take. I can't see myself as a corporate person in a five piece suit, it's such a bizzare mental image. A little like thinking of how you would look in a suit or a tux. I can't really see myself as anything, anymore. I used to want to be a teacher, remember? I wanted to be an elementry school teacher and work with children. I loved children.
So many of the courses sound interesting. Archeology, psychology, the courses about all different kinds of religion, art courses. I want to take everything and at the same time, I don't want to take anything at all. I don't want to start anything without you. We were going to choose our courses together so that we'd stay together.
I may be the Keyblade master, but that doesn't mean I know what I want to be. At least, I don't anymore.
Sometimes it feels like Kairi still wants me to be like I was before we all left Destiny Islands, all those years ago. She doesn't understand that while she might not have changed, we did. We're not the same people that we were, anymore.
You understood that, you understood why I'd wake up screaming from nightmares about the Darkness and the Heartless. Just like I understood why you used to go into these phases where you'd stare at the wall and wouldn't speak and wouldn't move for hours on end.
I don't have nightmares about the Darkness anymore. I have nightmares about you being dead. Or I have nightmares about watching you die. I know you're not though. Dead or dieing that is.
I keep thinking of going looking for you. I know that I can't.
I hate feeling useless like this, not knowing what happened to you, even though it's been so long. I don't know what to do anymore.
I miss you.
Your friend,
Sora
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Two years, three months ago
September 31st, 2009
Dear Riku,
The fruit on your paopu tree is so perfectly ripe now. I'll miss all of it's sweetly smelling blossoms, but the fresh fruit more than makes up for it.
I've been spending all of my time out of school on your island, I'm writing to you from it. It's like my lifeline to you.
School has been... trying, the normality of it sometimes makes me want to just scream. You never got a chance to go back to school, you vanished just before the summer ended. You would have hated it even more than I do. Kairi integrated herself back into everything so easily, but it's not so easy for me. I'm trying but things are so weird. Everyone seems so much younger than me now.
Sometimes...I wish that we'd never left Destiny Islands. That we were more normal and more sane. I don't think I'm all that sane anymore, or all that normal anymore. Things are so confusing now.
This is why I've been spending most if my time on your island. Because to hang out with all of my old friends, Tidus, Wakka, any of them, it feels wrong. Like I'm bad for them or something.
You understood me, Riku, I need you here.
I miss you.
Your friend,
Sora
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Two years, two months ago
October 11th, 2009
Dear Riku,
Remember when we were little, when we were ten or twelve, how we used to make up our own fairytales? We would say that we didn't like how the ones in the books ended. I always said that the villains were misguided, and just needed someone to show them the right way. You always used to say that if anyone could reform the villains that I could be the one.
You knew the right thing to say to wrap anyone around your little finger even back then. So charming, all of the girls loved you. Funny how those little, seemingly meaningless conversations we had back then would be foreshadowing for the rest of our lives.
We'd lay in the grass on that hill by the school, you know the one, the one with that big peach tree that always had the sweetest, juiciest fruit on the very highest branches that I used to climb up and pick for us. We used to lay there and you make up stories for me, while I'd weave a chain of dandylions to put in your hair. You'd tell tales where I was the hero and you were my sidekick, the one who was always there to help. Kairi would always be the princess, the damsel in distress. I thought I was in love with her, remember? I wanted to marry her. Little did I know my prince charming was the one who made up fairy tales for me.
Sometimes, when the dandilions were all fluffy and perfect, we'd blow the seeds into the wind, and make wishes if we got them all in one breath.
We were so innocent and young, we didn't know any better than to only ever think of girls. I know better now though. I know you.
I loved your hair, it was so exotic and unusual, something new and interesting for me. That silver, like nothing else I've ever seen. It was so soft, I loved running my fingers through it. It still is, I suppose, even if you're not here for me to see it.
I never got to tell you about all my adventures when we returned to Destiny Islands, you disappeared too soon. In my next letter, I'll start. It'll be like you were there the whole time, you'll know everything I did while I was away.
I'll tell you real life tales of my journey's, I really was the hero. Kairi was the damsel in distress, a real princess. And you were the villain, at least, one of them, I suppose. I reformed you though, just like you always said I would.
I miss you so much.
Your friend,
Sora
**********
Two years, two months ago
October 13th, 2009
Dear Riku,
That raft we built, do you remember it? We were going to go to other worlds together, all three of us, Kairi and you and me. The three musketeers, forever, always, never to part. It never worked though, we never got to go on our adventures together, we were separated before we could leave together.
I never told you anything about Goofy and Donald, did I? They were some of the first new people I met after I arrived in Traverse Town, after I was alone. They were some of the strangest too, you have no idea how odd it was to meet a talking dog and a talking duck, like something from a childrens story book. I met lots of people in Traverse Town, Leon, and Yuffie and Cid. They were all so nice, I loved meeting all of them. I loved meeting everyone.
When I met them, Goofy and Donald that is, I learned shortly after that they knew how to fight, we killed a Heartless together. Donald was a wizard, he knew magic, and Goofy was a knight of King Mickey.
The Heartless were such strange creatures, if Leon hadn't told me what they were I'd have never known. Leon was someone else I met, he used a gunblade. I always though that was such a fascinating weapon, a warrior's weapon, dangerous looking.
The Heartless... they scared me. Maybe it was an instinctual reaction of fear of the unknown, but it didn't change the fact that they were something frightening and different and strange. They were dark and black, like an oil slick. Like that one time there was an oil spill and we couldn't go into the ocean for months because of the oil floating on the surface. All those birds died, during those months, you'd stumble on a dead bird's body at least once everyday.
If Donald and Goofy hadn't found me, I'm not sure what I would have done. I'd have probably never found you and Kairi again. I was so... lost. I didn't know what to do, or how to find you and Kairi. I needed to find you, because you were as much a part of my life then as you are now.
Sometimes I have dreams about what would have happened had we never left Destiny Islands, and we stayed here, and had normal lives. It's bittersweet to think of.
I missed you so much then, and I do now.
Your friend,
Sora
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Two years, two months ago
October 16th, 2009
Dear Riku,
In all the worlds that Goofy, Donald and I visited, we had to be careful not to "meddle" and change things, since we came from off world. I wanted to try and change things on some of the worlds, make things better. I know that you'd just say that was my hero complex kicking in.
I probably do have some sort of hero complex, I always want to help people, and make everything good for everyone.
You used to call me a dreamer, an idealist. You were always a realist, even when you were little. I know that, now. You always saw through the nice facades people put up, and you had trouble trusting people. I was naive back then, but I don't think you ever were.
You always seemed older than me somehow, I'm only now beginning to realize how much of a child I was when we first left, how little I knew about anything.
Maybe it's seeing all my old friends, and feeling like I don't know them anymore, or feeling like a war veteran around a group of curious children. You're the only one who understood me, you're the only one who went through something like I did. I can't begin to imagine what happened to you while you were with Maleficent, and that's what it feels like when I'm in school, with everyone asking what I did.
I miss you.
Your friend,
Sora
**********
January 9th, 2012
Dear Riku,
Do you remember when we first kissed? We were on your island, sitting in the paopu tree and you had just told me that you loved me.
We'd only been back on Destiny Islands for what, a week, was it? Two weeks? It had been the first moment we had away from everyone since we'd been back, our family and friends didn't want to let us out of their sight, I think they were worried that if they didn't watch us, we'd disappear again. I think they were worried that maybe we weren't real.
We had shared the paopu fruit that evening, remember? We had wanted to stay together forever. You had told me loved me, and then I kissed you. It was the first kiss that really mattered, I don't count Selphie when I was five, anyways, it had been her to kiss me. I don't count any of the other kisses I've ever had. Yours is the only one that meant anything to me.
It was amazing, it tasted sweet and perfect. Like a summer day. Your hands in my hair were cool, a nice contrast from the air that was still hot even though the sun had started to go down. Your lips were warm and a little chapped, it was nothing like kissing a girl, it was just...you. Just you. Always you.
I think subconsciously it was always you, we were always closer than anyone else. Even Kairi, I think that's why I didn't invite her to go with us to your island that day. Why you and her never shared a paopu fruit. Even when I was a little kid and thought I was going to marry Kairi when I grew up, I prefered spending time with you.
You were never as openly affectionate as me, while I always gave hugs away like they were nothing, you were never like that. But you had your own way of letting me know you cared, little touches against my hands, brushes of your arm against mine that always meant more than if you had hugged me.
The way you looked at me. The way you looked at me always seemed even more intimate that just kissing. Your eyes...that bright teal. A person's eyes are the window to their soul, they say, and for you it was true. You eyes said everything, whether your were happy, or sad, or angry, they told it all. I love your eyes, sometimes I'll spend hours just staring at a picture of you I have.
I know it's unhealthy, but it makes me feel closer you. Like you're there with me.
Times like this, right now, basking in the winter sun, laying in the grass that stays green and fresh all year long here, writing to you, and not even know if you're getting these letters, I feel so lost and afraid and confused.
I miss you.
Love,
Sora
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Two years, two months ago
October 19th, 2009
Dear Riku,
Halloween is coming up fast and Kairi wants me to go to a party that Selphie is throwing with Wakka.
I'm not sure about it. She said that Tidus got his hands on a bunch of alcohol, and she wants us to go get shitfaced drunk and pretend we didn't go through more in the past year than most people do in their whole lives. That was her words, by the way.
I think that it's more for me than for her, she just wants me to lighten up and be a normal teenager, go get drunk and maybe hook up with a pretty girl. Or it could just be a really involved plan she and Selphie cooked up to try and get in my pants. It could be either, they're proving to be very adept at scheming together.
No one's realized yet that I don't bat for that team, that I'm flaming, that there is a reason that most of my friends are girls and not guys. It's almost funny watching Kairi and Selphie and all of those girls flirt with me, and dress in brightly colored, attention grabbing clothes, but it mostly just makes me sad, because that was how they used to be with you. You were the teen heartthrob, as it were. It seems like I'm their replacement for you, now.
You never looked twice at any of them, but they never noticed. Girls can be so clueless, even after all my adventures I still don't understand them at all. Yuffie was confusing, she would be almost mothering and protective one moment, and the next she'd be flirting and shoving her chest in my face. Maybe it was because I was the only one remotely close to her age, but what ever the reason it was still bewildering.
Kairi wants me to dress up as a prince, you know the type, that old fashioned clothing and a sword. She got me this wooden sword, it's painted silver but that doesn't disguise the fact that it's just wood at all. It feels so insubstantial and useless when compared to my keyblades. Like a cardboard cut out.
Kairi's dressing up as a princess, in a big poofy gown and a tiara. If she's trying to be subtle she's failing horribly. Her efforts are about as subtle as a heart attack. At least, I think that the saying. It might be as serious as a heart attack, though. I've never had the best memory, and you always made fun of me for that. I know it was all in good fun, you were just teasing me. You always teased me.
It really doesn't feel right to be going out and doing something so lighthearted and fun when you're missing, and everyone thinks you're dead.
I miss you.
Your friend,
Sora