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It starts innocuously.
Marwa is sitting with Nandor, on opposite ends of the couch, as always. Her legs are in the space between them, and Nandor is trying not to make it obvious that he’s scooting as far away as possible.
She turns a page in her magazine and suddenly looks up at him, all bright eyes. “Have you ever noticed that there is one curl that likes to fall onto Guillermo’s forehead?” she asks, a smile edging at her face.
Nandor blinks. Blinks again. She’s still there. “What?”
“He has one curl that doesn’t stay put. Have you noticed?”
It’s such an innocent question, coming from her lips, and he can’t tell if it’s a trap. “I… I have.”
Marwa sighs, leaning her head back against the couch arm, baring her throat. “I just want to run my fingers through it and put it back into place.” She looks down at him. “Oh, I’m sorry. I did not mean to—”
“No, no,” Nandor hurriedly stops her, scooting so close her feet touch his thigh, “I think that, too. His hair is so soft.”
She sets her magazine aside, sitting up straight. “You’ve felt it? I only got a passing touch at our wedding.”
Nandor nods emphatically. “Yes! He fell into the basement and I saved him and helped him dry off! I brushed his hair out!”
Marwa sighs dreamily. “Oh, wow. You are the lucky one. And his cheeks are so soft, aren’t they? With just the barest hint of stubble against your lips?”
Nandor gapes at her. “You’ve kissed his cheeks?”
“You haven’t?”
“I could never be so bold!”
She puts a hand to her chest, eyes closed, remembering. “You should try. He’s so pliable.”
He picks her legs up so he can scoot under them, closer, so they can drop their voices lest anyone hear. “It is very important to me that you answer this question truthfully: are you in love with Guillermo?”
Marwa nods. “Yes. I am. Are you?”
Nandor looks stuck, for a moment, then casts his eyes furtively around the room. “Yes. I am.”
They stare at one another, unsure, before Marwa finally cracks a smile and Nandor does the same. “Should we invite him to our bed?” she asks plainly. “That is, more than he is already there with you mumbling his name every time you—”
“I get it, I get it. Yeesh. I… think that would be too forward to him. After all, we do not know if he likes us back.”
Marwa hums in thought, then reaches out and picks up her magazine again. “There is a quiz in here that says it will tell us if our crush likes us back.”
“Really?”
“Yes, look.” She opens the brightly-colored magazine and flips to a lengthy quiz. “There are many questions. Nandor, darling, you’re squishing me.”
“Eh, deal with it.” Nandor adjusts them both so they’re more comfortable, his head on her shoulder, looking at the questionnaire. “How do we keep score?”
“On our fingers, I think.” They both put their hands up, the magazine propped open against their legs. “Question one: how close are you and your crush?”
Nandor puts one finger up and Marwa puts up none, frowning.
“I should really spend more time with Guillermo,” Marwa mutters, and Nandor nods his agreement.
“Question two: at a bonfire, is your crush chatting with everyone or sitting next to you roasting marshmallows?” Nandor scoffs. “Neither. He’s throwing bodies on the fire. Muscles rippling and all that.”
“I think we both should get a point for knowing that,” Marwa agrees, putting up one finger. “Question three: is your crush in a relationship?”
“I… don’t know.”
“We’ll skip that one. Question four: your crush invites you to a party by texting the entire group chat about it or texting you directly?” Marwa worries at her bottom lip. “What’s texting?”
“I have no idea. We can pretend it says speaking. He is one to speak about big things in private. We can both put up a finger, I think.” Nandor hums appreciatively at their growing success. “Question five: during school, does your crush shoot you a text— oh, another one about texting.” Nandor squints. “Why are so many of them about texting?”
“We can skip down. Question seven: Have you met your crush’s friends?” Marwa leans her head against Nandor’s. “I have met most of them, I believe. Does he have many human friends?”
“Not really, no. Some acquaintances, perhaps, but his friends are here.” Nandor smiles a little dorky smile. “I’m his friend.”
“I hope to gain that title soon,” Marwa sighs longingly.
“You will, my love. Question eight: for your birthday, does your crush give you a cookie they bought from the cafeteria or two tickets to your favorite band?” Nandor huffs. “Neither. For my ascension day, he always dresses up in a cute little Al-Quolanudarian outfit and decorates my entire room.”
“Oh, oh I would die to see that.” Her eyes shine just imagining it. “You get to put up a finger for that one, for sure. I don’t.”
“We should do more things all together, so you can create these experiences with him,” Nandor says matter-of-factly. “Okay, question nine: when it’s just you and your crush, do they ask how you’ve been or tell you how pretty your smile is?”
Marwa beams. “Oh! He always tells me how pretty I look! That’s a point for me!”
“Ugh, lucky, when we’re alone he merely asks to spend immortal life with me.” Nandor, begrudgingly, does not put a finger up. “Question ten: how often do you two chat on the phone?”
“Eh, never?”
“Never. Question eleven— oh, more phone things.”
“Question twelve: has your crush ever asked you to do anything just the two of you?”
They both say yes with surety, putting up another finger.
“Question thirteen: do you and your crush share all your secrets?” Marwa frowns. “I have no secrets to share.”
“I do, and we have shared them all. All but this one, anyway. I’m running out of fingers.”
“I think that means you win.”
Nandor looks at all his raised fingers in surprise. “Oh! Does this mean he likes me back!”
“I think so? I only have to check a few more things off this list for him to like me back, as well.”
“Well— look at this bottom one, does your crush ever compliment you?”
Marwa raises another finger excitedly. “Oh, he likes me back as well!” She turns to smile wide at Nandor, who is matching her expression. Their faces are inches apart.
“Wanna fuck and us both pretend we’re sleeping with Guillermo?” he asks, grinning.
“We don’t already?” she teases, and Nandor laughs against her mouth.
“Marwa,” Nandor whispers urgently, sneaking into the room and closing the door behind him. “Marwa, I have acquired an ancient fortune telling device to help us truly discern the extent of Guillermo’s feelings for us.”
Marwa peeks out from under her covers, hair a mess. “Yeah?”
“Yes! I stole it from a witch child.” He sits at her bedside and turns on the lamp so she can see, too. He’s holding a folded piece of paper with numbers on four quadrants. Marwa sits up straighter.
“How does it work?” she asks.
“It is simple, you pick a number and I perform the coordinating action, and then you pick something from the inside, and then one more time and that is your fortune. It’s easier if I just show you.” He holds it up. “Pick a number.”
“Um, four.”
Nandor moves the paper four times, then lets Marwa peek inside. “Now pick a color.”
“Brown, like his eyes.”
“Smart. B-R-O-W-N. Now, one more time.”
Marwa lifts the covers, allowing Nandor to scoot in beside her so she can read it. “Yellow.”
Nandor lifts the flap. “It says you will find happiness in all that you seek.”
Marwa gasps, one hand going to her smile. “That is good, is it not?”
“It’s fantastic! Okay, now you do me. Did you see how I worked the magic?”
“I believe so, yes.” She holds it out for him. “Pick a number.”
“Two.”
“One, two. Pick a color.”
“Green.”
“G-R-E-E-N. And one more time.”
“Yellow.”
She shoulders him, grinning. “No cheating.”
“Fine. Blue.”
Marwa lifts the flap. “The choices you make today will determine your near future.” She looks to him. “You need to make Guillermo-based choices, my love.”
“Quick, let’s find him some fancy desserts!”
Marwa is already out of bed, throwing on a dress. “We must hurry!”
“Do you think he liked it?” Nandor asks, wringing his hands nervously.
“It was hard to tell, with how quickly you shoved it into his hands and left, but I think boxes of chocolates are generally well-received.” Marwa guides him onto the chaise and massages his shoulders. “Shhh, it will be okay. You did well, my love.”
“He deserves more than well. He deserves immaculate.”
“I agree, but we have done the best we can. Ah, hello, Guide.”
Nandor’s eyes spring open to see the Guide in his room, waving slightly.
“Ah, hello, you two. I was just stopping by to apologize for what may or may not have been said at the wedding. I apologize for interrupting.”
“There is no interrupting,” Marwa assures, smiling softly. “We were simply discussing Guillermo.”
The Guide sighs hornily, one gloved hand going to her head. “He is beyond measure, isn’t he? Just a real catch.”
“Exactly! We have been talking about how handsome and deserving he is.”
The Guide closes the door behind her, nodding vigorously. “Yes, he is indeed all of those things. Have you seen the way he carries dead bodies? I mean, woof, am I right?”
Nandor leans his head back and groans. “Yes. I have seen, many times. It never gets easier to resist. His biceps—”
“Agreed,” the Guide and Marwa both sigh.
The Guide looks around the room, a suddenly thoughtful look on her face. “You know, there are many vampires who admire Guillermo. We could make a fan club, where we could all discuss Guillermo-related things.”
Nandor squints suspiciously. “As long as we are all aware that Marwa and I have first dibs.”
“Of course. He lives in your house, after all.”
Nandor and Marwa exchange a glance.
“It… might be nice, my love,” Marwa says shyly. “Being able to finally free these feelings you have and discuss them at length with others who feel the same.”
“I suppose,” Nandor whispers back, then finally nods at the Guide. “Very well. We shall create a Guillermo Fan Club. The first meeting shall be tomorrow. Is that enough time?”
“Enough time for me to gather the entire vampire population of Staten Island? No, but I’ll see what I can do. Tomorrow it is.” She grins at them both. “This is so much more exciting than the group sex I came over to propose!”
Nandor scoots closer to Marwa. “That is alright; perhaps later. Go on, you have much to do!”
“So much,” the Guide agrees, exiting the room.
Marwa leans her head back against Nandor’s chest, humming. “My love,” she begins, “do you think Laszlo could make us Guillermo coloring sheets?”
“Oh, my darling, you took the thought right from my head.”
The turnout is rather impressive, for how quickly it was thrown together. There are vampires and werewolves and various other creatures milling about, discussing how fucking amazing Guillermo is. Nandor is practically a celebrity, telling everyone how soft his hair is and what those eyes look like when they’re locked on his.
“Is this everyone?” Marwa asks, looking around with wide eyes. “I feel my Guillermo deserves a larger turnout.”
“Oh, there will be at least triple this next week, but these are the beings that are in town.” She flips through a list on a clipboard. “I think we’re just one person short, actually. Some guy named Toronto Perez. He was very interested in the idea of making movies and virgins, for some reason.”
Marwa perks up. “Movies of Guillermo? Oh, he would adore being in a romance, I know it.”
“He seemed mostly enthralled with monster movies, specifically, so maybe a Twilight reboot?” The Guide shrugs. “Anyway, he’s the only one left.”
Marwa takes the Guide’s hand and pulls, casting her a sly smirk. “Come on, let’s go color some Guillermo’s. Laszlo worked very hard on getting all the anatomy correct.”
“Oh, don’t mind if I do,” the Guide responds, setting down her list and letting Marwa pull her to the crayon and coloring sheet table. Nandor is already there, holding out a hand.
“I need a pink,” he grumbles, staring at his page.
Marwa picks one out from the center and hands it to him. “For his lips or his dick, my love?”
“Both.” Nandor finishes coloring and looks up at Marwa proudly. “Do you like it?”
She looks over from her own. “Oh, you got him just perfect!”
“Eh,” someone else says, “his hair is darker.”
Nandor groans dramatically. “Who let you in here?”
Young Colin Robinson grins at him. “Hey, I was invited as a vendor.”
“Vendor?”
“I’ve got some of Uncle Memo’s things right here to auction off so I can buy more legos.” Colin holds up a variety of items, all packed into a duffel. “Here’s the stake he used to kill Terrence the Terrible at the theatre. Starting bid is a thousand dollars.”
Someone yells out a higher number behind him, and someone else counters. Colin’s eyes shine with happiness. “It’s already starting! Later, guys!”
Nandor sighs and glares at the Guide. “No more inviting him.”
“Very well. Riiiight after I place a bid on that, excuse me.”
She wanders off somewhere, and Marwa chuckles to herself. Nandor watches her color. “Aw, I like the bow you put in his hair.”
“Thank you! I thought it made his eyes pop.”
“It really does. You should make him a real one. He’d love it.” Nandor puts his chin on Marwa’s shoulder tiredly. “I am glad Guillermo is widely adored.”
“As am I.” She looks around. “Though, part of me wants to kill everyone here to keep him for myself.”
Nandor laughs, nuzzling her throat. “I was thinking the same thing. Would you like to get out of here and go see our real-life Guillermo?”
“I thought you’d never—”
“Hey, what the fuck?” a very familiar voice says, and every head in the room turns to see Guillermo with a name badge that says Toronto, staring around the room.
“Uh-oh,” Nandor whispers, and Guillermo locks eyes with him.
“What the fuck is this?” Guillermo hisses, pushing forward through thralls of vampires directly for him, and yep, that’s exactly what those eyes look like when locked onto him.
“Your… fan club?” Nandor tries, immediately covering the naked coloring page with his palm when Guillermo notices it. Marwa sneakily puts her crayons away.
“Is that my stuff?” Guillermo demands, going after Colin Robinson, who takes off in a rush. “Come back here!” He scowls and turns back to Nandor, eyes blazing. “This isn’t fucking over. We’re having a talk when I get home. Colin! Colin!” Guillermo runs off after him, and the entire room goes quiet.
“Well, see you all next week!” the Guide chirps cheerily, waving everyone away and secretly pocketing one of the dropped items. The vampires make their exits slowly, meanderingly, most with stars in their eyes from having seen what rage looks like on Guillermo’s face.
Nandor and Marwa, however, just look guilty.
“We are so fucked,” Nandor whispers.
“Agreed.”
Guillermo is pinching the bridge of his nose, breathing stiltedly. Nandor and Marwa sit before him sheepishly, looking anywhere but him.
“So let me get this straight: the two of you set up a fan club for me? And had Laszlo draw me naked?”
“We did not do that,” Marwa says nervously. “He did that on his own. We merely asked for drawings of you.”
“From the most sex-craved lunatic in the house!” He takes a deep breath. “Okay. Okay. Why?”
Marwa looks up at him with big, soft eyes. “Because I love you.”
Whatever Guillermo was expecting, it wasn’t that. He lowers his hand and stares at her, unsure of what to do. “Excuse me?”
“I love you. I have since the night before the wedding.” If Nandor suddenly goes still beside her, she doesn’t notice. “And maybe before that, too, when I was still doubting my union with Nandor. You were always so kind to me, Guillermo. So ready to take care of me, even when it was not your responsibility to bear. Yes, I must have loved you from the moment I saw you. I just had a name for it the evening before.”
“I… I…” Guillermo crosses his arms over his chest, scowling, face red. “Alright, so— so you wanted to start a fan club because you’re in love with me, and Nandor you… what? Thought it would be funny? Wanted to see what would happen? Got bored?”
Nandor mumbles something neither of them catch.
“Speak louder,” Guillermo commands, and Nandor winces.
“I used a wish,” he says, then sighs and fetches the small djinn lamp from his robes. “I’m going to use another one, actually.”
“Oh fuck no you are not—”
“Djinn, I wish for Marwa to be back in her original state, before I changed her so much, and I also want her to still be alive and speak English so she can navigate this new world.”
Marwa suddenly sits ramrod straight, eyes wide. Her appearance morphs just the slightest bit, and then she’s blinking in confusion. “What…”
Nandor takes her hands in his own. “You have been a very good friend to me, and now you are free. As friends should be.”
Marwa stares at him, just stares, then suddenly pulls him in and kisses him hard, then slaps him across the face.
Nandor grimaces. “Yeah, I deserved that.”
Marwa stands and smooths out her dress, looking to Guillermo. “I am sorry; I do not love you as I have just stated. I will be leaving now. But you were very kind, and I thank you for that.” Marwa leans down to hiss in Nandor’s ear, too low for Guillermo to catch, “You better woo him, or else I’m coming back to woo him myself.”
And with that, she stomps out of the room.
Guillermo watches her go in shock. “Okay, what the fuck was—”
“I wished she would like the same things I liked,” Nandor rushes out, wincing at his own voice.
“O…kay?”
“So when I wished that, she started to like… you.” He isn’t meeting his gaze. He’s counting swirls on the rug.
There’s silence a moment, then, “Are you saying—”
“I love you,” Nandor says, then squeezes his eyes shut. “I have for a while. I didn’t mean to, it just sort of happened and I didn’t know what to do.”
“So you figured getting married was the best option.”
Nandor finally scowls up at him. “It was a bluff! And you called it! I thought you’d get jealous and we’d be forced to confront our feelings but nooo! You had to go and be a good person!”
Guillermo laughs, and it is bitter and cold. “You got married just to prove that I care for you?”
“I’m not good at these things! Obviously!”
“Obviously,” Guillermo agrees, then suddenly smirks. “The chocolates were good.”
“Were they? We weren’t sure if you would like them or not. I can get you more.”
“I… am not going to turn down free chocolate. Jesus,” Guillermo laments, finally sitting down in a chair, “what the fuck am I going to do with you, Nandor?”
“You could kiss me,” Nandor offers.
Guillermo chuckles. “And how is that a punishment?”
“I’ll pretend it is one,” he tries.
“God you’re such an idiot,” Guillermo mumbles, then gets up to sit on the couch beside Nandor. “So, that was really an entire room of vampires who want a taste of me?”
“It was. And that wasn’t even all of them. Perhaps a third, if that.”
“So I’m a hot item, then,” Guillermo jokes. “That means it’s going to take more than a box of chocolates and weird nude crayon portraits of me to get in my pants.”
Nandor’s ears perk up. “That’s an option?”
“If you play your cards right.”
“I’ll play them all. I’ll play them all right now. What would you like? Would you like infinite wealth? I have two more wishes left, I could—”
“Nandor,” Guillermo says, laughing softly.
“Guillermo.”
“I just want you to kiss me.”
And if Nandor later sends a thank you to some teen girl magazine, who truly needs to know?