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Multicolored lights flashed around the dimly lit basement, where the party carried on around the dark-haired senior sitting on an old, faded couch. Clutching a plastic cup in his hand, he drank deeply but carefully. Knowing that he would have to leave and walk home eventually and being too drunk would make that far harder than it had to be. The senior’s eyes were traveling around the room, trying to avoid the two bodies talking over to his right. The boy was standing, body turned to the girl, both of them laughing over something or other, it was difficult to tell over the volume of the music playing around them. Sighing, the senior took another pull from his cup trying to avoid the scene in front of him. Even though it was difficult when knowing who the boy was, and the jealousy that was forming due to him talking to someone else.
Castiel Novak couldn’t remember a time in which he didn’t think about Dean Winchester. If only Dean was aware of that fact, then things might be different. But Castiel couldn’t bring himself to admit his feelings out loud, instead letting them become a tether to tie him when things were too much. While he wanted nothing more than to be able to hold Dean’s hand in his, and stare into his too-green eyes. Laughing over some stupid joke or memory, however, it just wasn’t meant to be.
Castiel could only blame himself for the situation he was currently in. Thinking back, his infatuation with Dean could only be that- a teenage crush. No matter how much he wanted to be with Dean in whatever capacity that the boy would allow, Castiel knew that it would never happen.
Being out since middle school, Castiel knew that he wouldn’t have many options. Not only was he gay, but he was weird, quiet, and introverted. He was a loner, long before he made it to high school. And while he was never really bullied at school, that didn’t mean that he could just sail through until he finally graduated. His family made that abundantly clear. His mother’s disdain for his “life choices” was very clear. While at home, Castiel found ways to make himself scarce. He would hide away in his room, his sanctuary away from the way his mother talked to him. His father wasn’t in the picture, and his siblings were able to escape from her mistreatment.
Anna with her art made their mother proud. Michael and his acceptance to law school was another win for his mother. But Castiel and his love of reading and writing did nothing to make up for his misgivings according to her. She didn’t want a gay son to ‘soil’ her image, but a gay son is what she got. So Castiel learned how to be invisible. No one could be upset with him if they didn’t see him. Looking back though, it was too easy for him to fall for Dean.
It was in sophomore year, and Castiel was sitting in his fourth-period English class. He was listening to Mr. Fitzgerald go over the expectations for their latest paper they were to begin. He had a notebook out, taking notes on how to do well when a deep whisper broke through his notetaking.
“Hey,” a small ticking noise followed. “Hey Novak, you got an extra piece of paper I could borrow?” Castiel looked up from his own notes to see Dean Winchester smiling at him from the seat behind and to the left of him.
Castiel almost thought he was speaking to someone else, but then his words registered, and he realized Dean knew his last name. He must have waited too long to react, because Dean just looked away, then shrugged.
“Wait, y-yes. Here.” Castiel ripped a few pages out of his notebook not even trying to only get a single page out. He handed them over to the green-eyed boy. Not trusting himself to say anything else.
Dean smiled at him, “Thanks Cas! You’re a lifesaver!”
Castiel didn’t say anything back but turned around to face the front of the room again. His heart beating wildly in his chest.
He moved through the rest of class and the school day in a haze. Dean Winchester knew his name. Everyone knew Dean Winchester; he was one of the most well-liked students in their grade. He got along with almost everyone and did well in his classes. And Dean knew Castiel’s name. He called him Cas. Every time Castiel thought about the interaction, and he thought about it a lot, he kept going back to the nickname that fell easily from Dean’s lips.
From that moment on, all Castiel could think about was Dean Winchester. At first, it was just the fact that Dean knew his name. Dean saw him. Even if it was for a piece of notebook paper, Castiel took that moment and cradled it deep in his heart to keep him warm when things just were too much. When his mother went too far, all he had to do was think back on Dean’s smile and he was able to comfort himself.
He wasn’t sure when it went from the joy that someone saw him, in the sea of faces where he usually blended in the background, to something more. The more he thought of Dean, the more he saw him around school, and the deeper his feelings grew.
Castiel thought of what it would be like to sit beside Dean at lunch and laugh with him over their meal like he did with his friends. He thought about what it would be like to wrap his arms around Dean, tight around him, and bury himself into Dean’s chest, maybe tuck his face into Dean’s neck. He wondered what it would smell like there where his neck met his shoulder.
At night he thought about what it would be like to be with Dean. Like, be with him. What it would be like to lay back on his bed and have Dean stretched out on top of him looking down at him, arms and legs trapping Castiel in. He thought about Dean leaning down, from where he was looking down at Castiel, and finally kissing those pink, pink lips that haunted him. He thought about what it would be like for their kisses to get deeper, longer. What Dean might taste like against his tongue. Castiel thought about what it would be like to flip them over, so he was on top. Dean's legs on either side of Castiel’s thighs. Castiel spent many nights thinking about what it would be like to have sex with Dean.
He knew that the chances of Dean not being straight were small, and even smaller that he would ever look at Castiel that way. But sometimes their eyes would meet across the room or when Dean walked past when he left the cafeteria, and Dean would send him a bright smile and Castiel would have to remember to try to return it instead of looking back like an idiot.
And these thoughts have been Castiel’s company for the last three years. If it wasn’t for those green eyes and bowlegs, then Castiel would have been far more alone than without.
So here he sat at the end of the year party that his classmate Charlie hosted every June. This time though it was their last. Before they walked for graduation, everyone went on their way, different colleges and jobs taking the same people who’ve been around each other for four years to new lives.
Castiel was excited to be going to Stanford in the fall, it was in California away from the Midwest, and hopefully where he could be more openly himself away from his mother. She wasn’t even helping him go, he got a full-ride scholarship to study at the university and he was so excited to see what he would do once he was there. He didn’t pick a major yet. Castiel was too curious about so much, that he was taking a bunch of gen-eds to see if anything really stood out to him.
He didn’t know where Dean was going, he didn’t hear anything from Dean or overhear anything the few times he was able to hear Dean’s deep voice while he talked with his friends.
Castiel shook his head, shaking away his swirling thoughts. He went to take another drink and realized his cup was empty. He frowned down at the cup and was about to stand up to get one last refill when someone sat down heavily next to him. A red cup was thrust in front of his face, and Castiel had to lean back not to have it bump against his face.
The hand attached to the cup swayed it lightly from side to side. “It’s not gonna bite you, you know. it’s just a drink.”
Castiel looked to who the hand was attached to, already knowing but steading himself. “I know that. Maybe I just don’t take drinks from random people.” Castiel mentally smacked himself, it was Dean, he wasn’t a random person.
“Cas, I’m not a random person. We’ve known each other for years. We’ve shared like almost all our classes this year. Take the drink.” Dean shoved it down into Castiel’s hands.
Castiel grabbed it before it could spill, and Dean smiled widely at him. “Fine, thank you Dean.”
“Any time Cas, it looked like you needed a refill. You looked like you were thinking too hard too. Are you having fun? You haven’t really talked to anyone since you got here.” Dean took a drink from his own bottle.
Castiel didn’t really know what to say. Dean was right, as soon as he got here, he grabbed a drink and found the first place he could find that would allow him to ignore others enough that it wouldn’t seem obvious. He didn’t even know why he was really there. Charlie had invited him to the party herself, asking if he was free and wanted to come. He normally didn’t go, instead staying home and reading on his weekends.
But for some reason, she was really adamant that he come to this party. And it felt nice that someone really wanted him to come, even if it didn’t make sense. So, he said as much.
“Charlie invited me. I don’t know why but she really wanted me here. Which now that I think about it, I hope it’s just to have more people here. Not that she’s not lovely, but I’m gay so I don’t think that would go well. But I said I would come so I did, even though I normally wouldn’t.” Castiel took a deep pull from his cup, why did he say all that oh my god. Dean was going to think he was an idiot, or never talk to him again. He never really came out to anyone before, he never had to.
Dean for some reason blushed as he listened to Castiel. He was rolling his bottle between his palms. It almost looked like he was talking to himself. He closed his eyes and Castiel could see the rise of his shoulders and Dean took a deep breath. He never stopped rolling his bottle.
“Well, it’s now or never,” Dean said, mostly to himself but Castiel heard him with how close Dean really was. Dean opened his eyes and raised them to meet Cas’.
“Cas, I gotta tell you something. I didn’t think I ever would but then it was just so hard to keep it to myself. It’s our last party before graduation and I think if I don’t say this now I never will.”
Castiel was confused, what was he talking about? Dean and him never really talked, so why would he want to now? Why did it sound so serious? He could feel his head tilt to the side, “You want to tell me something?”
Dean nodded. “Yes, uh. Okay so this is way harder than I thought it was going to be. Your eyes are so blue.” Dean’s lips snapped shut. Almost like that wasn’t what he wanted to say and looked away.
“My eyes are blue? That’s what you wanted to tell me?” Castiel wasn’t any less confused, but he could feel his face heat up. Why would Dean want to tell him that? It wasn’t like it was a secret why was he so nervous?
“No! I mean not that you don’t have really blue eyes. But that’s- that’s not it. Actually, what I wanted to say was,” Dean took one more deep breath and then met Castiel’s eyes again. “I like you.”
“You like me?” Castiel was lost, that was the big thing Dean had to tell him that was nothing. Castiel couldn’t understand why Dean was so nervous. Dean nodded. “Oh, that’s nice, I like you too Dean. Everyone does.”
Dean looked about as confused as Castiel felt, but then shook his head. “No Cas, I like, like you. Like a lot. More than just to be friends.”
Castiel’s stomach must have fallen to his feet, there was no other reason for him to feel this way so quickly. “You like-like me. Me?”
Dean reached over and took one of Castiel’s hands in his. He had nice hands, strong and sturdy. Castiel felt like he was floating, Dean was touching him.
“Yes Cas, you. I have for a while now. I wasn’t sure if you felt the same way. And every time I was going to say something I chickened out. That’s why Charlie invited you, she was helping me out. I didn’t want you to hate me or not feel the same way and then have to continue each day sharing classes knowing I let my feelings show. So, I didn’t do anything about it. But we don’t have much longer before we all go our own way. And I wanted to make sure I had no regrets. So, this is me letting you know the truth. I really, really like you and maybe we could go out sometime this summer before school starts. I know we’re both going to college, and I won’t make it awkward, but it could be the start of something awesome even starting school soon.” Dean looked like his thoughts carried away from him and he revealed more than wanted to.
Halfway through Dean’s revelation, Castiel’s heart picked up and if he wasn’t careful, he thought it might just jump out of his chest. “What do you mean you won’t make it awkward?” Castiel couldn’t address the feelings that Dean just revealed he had; it would be too much for him right now. So, he latched onto the one thing that stood out over other details.
Dean grimaced, “Well I know you’re going to Stanford. And well so am I. I didn’t expect to get accepted, but I applied for the mechanical engineering program, and I’ll be going in the fall. I didn’t do this to like stalk you. I applied to a lot of colleges but the program there is the best for what I want to do.”
Castiel was speechless. Not only did Dean reveal that he had feelings for him, but they were going to the same college. It was kind of weird. Not in a bad way, but to think that someone out there noticed him enough to have feelings for him was such a strange concept. And not only that but Dean liked him. Castiel liked Dean and had for so long, and for that whole time, he couldn’t believe those feelings were requited. He never even entertained the idea; he never spoke to Dean. How would he have known?
Dean placed his bottle down on the crowded coffee table in front of them. One hand raised to the back of his neck, nervously rubbing his hand through his hair. “I knew this was going to be embarrassing. I just didn’t want to regret not telling you. I thought maybe you would possibly feel the-“
Castiel couldn’t believe what took hold of him at that moment, maybe he was possessed. But he placed his cup down quickly, then raised his hands to place them on either side of Dean’s neck.
He pulled Dean to him and crashed their lips together. Shutting Dean’s rambling up and finally following through with one of his most popular thoughts. Kissing Dean.
It was like everything and nothing he had ever experienced. It took a second for Dean to get with the program but with a small gasp, he quickly responded. Dean placed his hands on Castiel’s hips and pulled them closer to each other.
He couldn’t get enough of Dean; they could have been there for 30 seconds or 30 hours. Castiel was lost in the feel of Dean’s lips against his. They were softer than he ever imagined, and he tasted so good. Well beneath the beer he could taste something that had to be Dean and Castiel couldn’t get enough. Even though he never kissed anyone like this before, it felt right. Dean felt right. He pulled back to take in a breath, and Dean stayed frozen in place. His tongue snuck out and traced his lips and Cas could feel his pants getting tighter.
“Cas, does that mean you feel the same?” Dean looked more vulnerable than Castiel ever wanted him to feel so he figured he’d keep Dean out of his misery.
“Dean I have felt this way for the last three years. I couldn’t think about anything else other than what it would be like to be with you. Through everything that I have had to go through, you were the anchor that let me know things would be alright. You were some my something to hold onto whenever I needed it. I think about you all the time.” Castiel stopped before he just continued to ramble.
Dean’s face broke into the biggest smile Castiel had ever seen. “Really? So, would you like to go on a date with me then?”
Castiel laughed, he couldn’t believe this was happening but figured he’d go for it. “Yes Dean, of course. I don’t think I’d love anything more than going on a date with you.”
“Good,” Dean laughed with him. “I have a feeling this is the beginning of something great.” Dean stood up quickly and then reached his hand out to Castiel. “Come on Cas, let’s get out of here. I have some wooing to do.”
Castiel placed his hand in Dean’s and felt the strength in Dean’s body as he pulled Castiel up to him. They looked into each other’s eyes for a moment, then Dean started dragging Castiel out of the room.
All Castiel could do is follow. Which was fine with him.