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Uproarious laughter draws Astrid eyes across the dimly lit hall. From her vantage point in the far corner she has a clear view of the large mass of people gathered in the hall; The Gathering of Chiefs had always elicited a large crowd to Berk and an especially rowdy night of festivities. She's never particularly enjoyed these gatherings, mostly because they put a halt to any kind of training or defense, but also because it leaves the entire group of dragon riders hungover and unwilling to return to duty for days after.
Aside from herself and Hiccup of course.
Hiccup.
She looks towards the chiefs table where Stoic had put his son in charge of entertaining the other heirs while they visited. Dagur of the Berserkers had since promoted himself to sitting with "the big boys" as he had so eloquently put it, even though he was only just a few years older than them, but his sister Heather had found herself in the small group of teens at the head of the great hall. Young Camicazi of the Bog Burglars sat among the heirs, the youngest of them at fourteen years old, but she was scrappy and Astrid genuinely enjoyed her competitiveness anytime she came to the island. Thuggory of the meathead tribe was the only other male in their small party sitting to Hiccup's right with a beefy arm thrown around the boys shoulder making him look impossibly smaller.
Astrid chuckles amusedly under her breath.
She sips idly, and carefully, at her sweet honey mead as she takes in the already drunken crowd. The singing has only just started and she knows it will be a long night to come, but despite that she can't help the fond smile that comes to her face at the sight of her own parents dancing to a happy tune.
Some girls from another tribe giggle as they pass her talking quickly among themselves about 'how handsome he's become.' She pays no mind to it other than a curious glance before scanning back over the room.
Her eyes land back on Hiccup's group again and finds Thuggory has since left them and Heather has moved in closer to hear him over the din of the room. It's... an uncharacteristically intimate closeness that causes her a moments pause. She knows that look, though has never seen it on Heather and much less directed at Hiccup. Ruffnut's worn it on similar occasions when she switches between which of the two dragon riders, Fishlegs or Snotlout, she's going to toyingly flirt with that day. Her stomach wrenches uncomfortably as she looks on and sees the timid smile that comes to Hiccup's flushes cheeks. Even Cami shouts something and moves ever closer to his presence eliciting a curious quirk of Astrid's eyebrow.
She decides it doesn't matter and takes an exceptionally long sip from her mug, promising herself she won't worry about it and that she certainly won't find entertainment in staring at the exchange.
... Trying not to worry proves harder than first thought as voices all over the hall become clearer to her.
"Stoic must be so relieved. He's turned out to be a fine lad." One older lady remarks to her friend.
"And a looker too, just like his father was at that age." They both laugh heartily at the apparent memory.
"To think he use to be so... Hiccup. Do you think they'll change his title when he becomes chief?" A woman asks her husband to which he shrugs drunkenly.
"If only he didn't have to marry for title." One of the young girls from before murmurs to her friend just a short distance from Astrid.
"Oh please like you'd have a chance, not even that girl he's close to...?" She ponders obviously trying to recall her name.
"The twin?"
"No the other blonde, the angry one." The one snickers.
"Oh! Astrid. Isn't she a shield maiden?"
"I think you're right, well she took herself out of the running with that one. But like I was saying, it's not like even she has a chance, thankfully to a chief beauty doesn't mean everything."
"A good chief." The other teases back with obnoxious laughter. "Oh no, she's looking this way!" She snaps her trap shut to hiss quietly, but there's only so quiet you can be when having a conversation in a room this loud.
Astrid snaps her eyes away from the pair trying to dismiss the embarrassed flush that's heated her cheeks as she toes a loose stone in the floor with her boot. Taking a masochistic glance back up towards the chiefs table she watches as Heather places a hand on his arm and laughs loudly at something he's said. Cami pouts nearby and Astrid can't tell if it's because she's being left out or if it's out of jealousy.
Jealousy. She decided because who is she kidding; in the few short years since they'd befriended dragons, since Hiccup has proven himself time and time again, his confidence has changed him and allowed him to come into himself as he's matured. He's always been mature, always been rake thin and clumsy, but even she can't deny he's aged well. Delayed; but we'll. And now, much to her shocking dismay, others have started to take notice.
Tearing her eyes away as Heather leans in closer to an interested or perhaps oblivious–her wishful mind supplies–Hiccup, she sets down her mug and exits the great hall into the chilled night. Sitting on the steps of the grand stone staircase of the great hall she hugs her arms around herself, cursing her bangs as the crisp wind pushes them into her eyes.
It's not fair, she decides in her defeat. It's not fair that those girls are right, that she's a shield maiden and she's not suppose to marry, but also that even if she weren't she wouldn't be a suitable betrothed. As the only heir it's Hiccup's duty to marry for the sake of the tribe and even her mind says that Heather would be a great choice when you think about the future of Berk and the unsteady alliance between them and the Berserkers. A marriage between the two would solidify the alliance and as long as Dagur the Deranged didn't go... deranged again, they would be safe from attack.
But that would also mean that every glance, every touch, hug, or kiss would mean absolutely nothing in the scheme of things. Would she loose him as a friend as well, it wasn't like they were a secret by any means, but certainly his marriage wouldn't destroy the friendship they had? She couldn't imagine not being able to come to him as a friend and seek council, who else would she go to? Snotlout? Now there was an incredibly daft thought. She'd have more luck with Fishlegs even though he was terrified of her and would probably just agree to appease her. While Hiccup's sarcasm and brutal honesty got on her nerves at times, it was refreshingly different from how the others treated her.
It also wasn't fair because this wasn't new for her. She'd been on his side before he'd proved himself, when he'd been that small boy with father issues, full of self-demeaning jokes and a knack for finding trouble. Astrid had also grown to care for the boy in that time and often still viewed him as such, shorter than herself, a mess of freckles and scraggly hair, a head too big for his body and nose to match. But as much as her brain denied it he'd gone and grown up. She'd been there through the phase when none of his clothes fit the new length of his limbs and widening of his shoulders, had even helped to sew his new clothes despite her lack of sewing skills. She'd been the one to cut his hair into the shaggy mess he insisted he didn't mind, had been the one to braid the short pieces of hair at the nape of his neck while he mapped a newly discovered forest. He called her Milady and insisted on walking her home at night, held her hand when they took walks out of town and always came to her when he needed to bounce a new invention off someone else.
He'd in-trusted her with some of his deepest and most private emotions; about his mother, his father, becoming chief, his fears and hopes. And more recently, about her.
How could all of that be forgotten when the time came for him to marry? How could she stand idly by and let someone else reap from what she'd cared and nurtured over the years? How could she let him go so easily?
She would just have to.
It's what would be expected of her and she wouldn't be able to argue when it came to her chief's wishes. She'd have to endure silently and focus on devoting herself to her maiden hood. Maybe it's something she should have already started at a near nineteen. Indulging in a young chief's affections was just prolonging the inevitable.
Heartbreak.
"Astrid?"
Her head snaps up from where it's been cradled in her hands at the familiar voice and she looks up to see Hiccup descending the steps towards her.
Not now. She pleads internally rubbing at itchy eyes.
"What are you doing out here?" He asks as he sits beside her in the cold, his heat radiating into her side with his closeness.
"I needed some air." She says casually not looking him in the eye. "Shouldn't you be entertaining your guests?" She asks trying to withhold her annoyance.
He chuckles softly and reaches out to brush her unruly bangs behind her ear. They fall loose immediately but it doesn't stop the heart wrenching smile that graces his lips.
"You sound like my dad." He teases and leans in closer.
She backs away causing him to frown at her admittedly odd behavior.
"You ok?"
"I'm fine." She straightens. "Just fine."
"Ok? Good?" He doesn't try to get closer which she's grateful for. "Do you want to-"
"We're friends right?"
"... O-of course, but... I mean." He tries to catch her gaze but fails. "Astrid where did this come from?"
"If we stopped... stopped all of this." She gestures between them awkwardly. "We would still be friends right?"
"All of this? Astrid you just-"
"Gestured to all of us, yeah." She groans dropping her head to her knees.
"If we're talking about feelings?" Her heart beat accelerates at the mention. "I don't think they could ever stop. And certainly not enough to just be friends with you." He admits and it's brutally honest and she's relieved and annoyed all at once.
"Stop saying things like that." She groans and finally looks at him, instantly wishing she hadn't.
That fond gaze in his forest green eyes and gentle smile gracing his thin lined lips is mesmerizing. Her eyes linger over the slight swell of his bottom lip, tantalizingly close.
"It will stop." She tells him and is shocked by the sadness in her tone.
"No it won't." He contradicts easily leaning back on the step behind them.
"Yes. It will." She bites back on the edge of irritation.
"I seriously doubt it."
"Stop arguing with me!" She lands an unexpected punch to his shoulder and he wilts under her harsh touch.
"Ouch! What was that for?" He complains loudly.
"It will stop. It has to." She turns away, suddenly captivated by the far off sea stacks out on the horizon.
"I don't know what's going on..." He begins after a moment of nursing his abused arm. "... but whatever it is I can assure you, my feelings for you aren't going anywhere." She turns back to face him and shrinks under the intensity of his confession. "Unless yours have?" He asks sadly and her heart aches.
She should say they have, should end it now. While painful and untruthful, it would deflect further question. Against her better judgment she finds herself shaking her head and trying her best to stamp down the joy at his own renewed smile.
"So everything is ok?"
"No!" She snaps out and stands walking the last few steps to stand on solid ground, like that would give her a better grounding over her emotions.
"Astrid, I won't know how to fix it if you don't tell me what's wrong." Hiccup points out once he's come to stand beside her.
Astrid turns to face him and stares straight ahead at the v-cut of his shirt where's the deep grooves of his collarbones are barely visible. She shocks herself again with the distance she has to look up now to meet his eyes.
"You can't fix this." She smiles in exasperation. "This can't last Hiccup, you're going to become chief and you'll marry and- all of this means-" She doesn't want to say nothing, not to him, because in truth he- this means everything to her. She glances up the stairs to check for unwanted listeners before she continues. "I love you." She says firmly, an affirmation to the feelings she'd been loosely hinting at for weeks. "But you and I both know that doesn't mean anything for the tribe and that you're expected to marry someone of significant standing. I'm a shield maiden, and I plan to commit myself to that life, you can't possibly be oblivious enough to not know what that means."
He's still reeling from her words. She loves him? Marriage? Shield maiden? Of course he's not completely oblivious to most of that but to have it said so plainly feels like a sentencing.
"You- I-" He stutters brokenly trying to gather himself quickly, but the sadness in her impossibly blue eyes is suddenly very distracting. "You love me?" He breaths and of course, of course that's what he gathered.
Her face flushed immediately and she ducks her gaze nearly dropping her head into the center of his chest.
"Gods above, yes?" Against all logic and reasoning.
His heart swells happily and he reaches out again to tuck that disobedient fringe back, this time it stays and he tilts her head up to face him by the edge of her jaw.
"Please don't." She begs when his loving gaze dances over her face.
"How could you tell me that and then not let me kiss you?" He asks in a pinched voice thumb grazing the edge of her soft lips.
They tremble with the effort not to cry because of course she wants to kiss him, to be held in his arms, but she doesn't want this to be the last time either. His crestfallen expression wrenches at her heart and threatens to break it into a thousand irreparable pieces. She'll have to sweep them up and try to forget she ever had a heart in the first place.
"If this is because you really do want to devote yourself to becoming a shield maiden I-Ill stop." He promises and her lip quivers. "But if this is for any other reason...?"
And how long has it been since being a shield maiden has been the farthest thing from her mind until tonight? Perhaps when she'd kissed him privately for the first time on that sea stack not too far from the island, how everything she knew had changed in such a wonderful and intimate way, or maybe one of the many other times thereafter. Either way, being a maiden for the rest of her life certainly hadn't been in her thoughts for some years now.
"You have to marry." She stresses gaze falling to his own lips and the light dusting of stubble across his Cupid's bow.
"And I'll marry whoever I damn well please." He curses and her back arches wonderfully at the return of that stern tone he reserves for rare occasions. "I love you." He whispers softly. "And I'll continue to do so for as long as you'll allow me. I haven't come this far as the pride of Berk to let someone else decide my future for me."
The words, while fueled by the allure of romance and passion are not near comforting enough to ensure the certainty of their futures. But the words certainly do sound nice. Even if they are just words.
And as she closes her eyes and welcomes his lips against hers, soft and caring as always, she can't help but think of a future where his love for her is enough and she doesn't have to even toy with the possibility that he could belong to someone else.