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Jaeyun feels faded, absolutely and completely faded, yet no ounce of alcohol has grazed his lips, no puff of smoke has overheated his mouth and lungs, all that’s cruising through his body is a sensation of numbness and dread.
He’s high on someone, something that isn’t even in his presence right now, a feeling that’s hanging onto him like a useless weight. It was filling his mind with nothing but a sort of daze that kept him zoning in and out as he nursed his can of rose lemonade as music blasted through every speaker in the house. Jaeyun was tucked in a corner, far away from anyone and anything as he spun the sparkling pink liquid in a lazy motion.
He sighed heavily, debating whether or not to get up from his seat and find some of his friends and try to have some fun, but every inch of his body was screaming at him to stay and wait. For what? He doesn’t know either.
Jaeyun checked his phone again, a bunch of untapped notifications welcoming him, yet none of them were the ones he wanted or craved to see.
The music’s bass increased, and a group of cheers followed from the living room where the makeshift dance floor and DJ Booth were located. He wasn’t keen on loud noises, yet he couldn’t find it in himself and move to a different spot - he was comfortable on his makeshift chair that looked like one of those box-type furniture pieces from Ikea, no people around him as he sipped away on his lemonade.
The blonde didn’t want to drink tonight, especially when he knows he’ll be probably walking home because all of his friends are definitely wasted on the second floor, probably participating in a game of beer pong or some other drinking game Jaeyun never seemed to fully grasp.
Taking another sip, the male couldn’t help but sigh. It was nearing 2 AM, meaning he had been here for around two hours just wasting his time away.
One might think “why did you come here if you don’t even want to be here?” Well, the answer was pretty simple and all too complicated at the same time.
Jaeyun knew damn well when he was getting dressed that he only wanted to be there because he knew Sunghoon would be there. Silly, he knows. Why couldn’t he just enjoy his time and not think about his boyfriend who he is supposed to be upset with, he could mingle with his friends and maybe even knock back a few drinks to let loose, even if the cocktails were still too bitter for his taste buds.
But he couldn’t.
Sunghoon was fully aware that Jaeyun would be at this party. He knew the blonde had trouble holding his alcohol and was well informed how Jaeyun gets incredibly clingy and reliant on the people he goes with (more than often times it being Park Sunghoon himself because the raven would burn down the house if someone dared to touch his boyfriend in that state).
And he was not here.
He wasn’t here holding Jaeyun’s hand as the two stayed in a corner observing everyone, he wasn’t here keeping his cup safe as he went to pee, he wasn’t here keeping an eye on him and he definitely wasn’t here dancing with Jaeyun. And that alone was breaking his heart.
They had an argument a couple of days ago which ended with Jaeyun storming out of the male’s apartment with glassy eyes and the muffins he made for his boyfriend laying somewhere on the floor.
It was one of the most serious arguments they’ve had, resulting in both of them tearing up from pure frustration . Something like that happening had never crossed Jaeyun’s mind when he walked into the raven’s apartment with a huge smile.
A week before.
Jaeyun knocked gently at the front door of Sunghoon’s family home, fresh-baked muffins snug in a cute box he had bought out in the city. The lemon aroma could be felt even from outside of the box and the blonde was beyond excited to give them to his boyfriend.
There was no reply, which was a little strange because Jaeyun had texted his boyfriend prior, saying how he will be there in a few minutes. He tilted his head in mild confusion, but decided to let himself in because Sunghoon had allowed him to do so either way - he just wanted to be polite.
“Hoon-ah?” he peeked inside, scanning the house to see if anyone was even home. It would be pretty damn stupid to leave and keep the house unlocked, “Sunghoon-ah, I’m here!”
Still no reply.
Jaeyun's gut filled with dread as he entered the house fully, taking his shoes off at the entry. The blonde shuffled his way upstairs towards the raven’s room, heart easing once he heard some noise coming from the specific room. Yet his pout didn’t leave because of the amount of voices he was hearing. The blonde suddenly felt like an intruder, fully aware of his actions and the situation he was in. Yes, he was Sunghoon’s boyfriend and yes, he had full permission from both the male and his family to come over whenever he wanted to, but suddenly he felt severely embarrassed by his audacity.
The blonde hesitated but continued his walk towards the male’s room either way, his hold tightening around the bag that held the muffins in it.
He heard laughter and some chatter, so he assumed he wasn’t walking in on anything serious, which was his little excuse in the back of his head so he doesn’t feel all too guilty.
Jaeyun held his breath, not knowing why he hesitated so much. This was his /boyfriend/, the male who he trusted the most in the world, there was no reason for him to feel so anxious.
He knocked, immediate regret pooling in the pit of his stomach as everything went silent - the two voices died down as he heard footsteps approach the door.
The blonde automatically smiled up at the raven who had opened the door with confused eyes, his eyebrows furrowed in the way they did when he was on edge.
“Jaeyun?” the male’s smile dropped at the lack of nicknames. That was Sunghoon’s /thing/, he always called Jaeyun by the sweetest, cutest and sometimes corniest nicknames in the book, not boring and ordinary Jaeyun.
“Hoon-ah,” he tried to offer another small smile, stomach churning when Sunghoon proceeded to just stare at him as if he had never seen him before. It made the blonde nervous as he fidgeted with the bag.
“What are you doing here?” Jaeyun looked at him with slight hurt in his eyes because the tone used towards him was borderline cold and unwelcoming as if his boyfriend was not allowed to be there and this was his chance to leave without any problems.
“I, uh, I texted you,” he mumbled, chest tightening as Sunghoon didn’t even open his door or invite him in, only stared at him through the slight crack he had made to peek through, “you didn’t…see?” His voice was slowly losing confidence as Sunghoon just proceeded to stare.
“I’m kind of busy right now,” the raven said in a monotone, making Jaeyun’s heart sink deeper into the ground, his smile not fully gone.
“W-With who?” he asked weakly, suddenly feeling very uneasy and self-conscious as the unknown person was listening in on their conversation. A conversation Sunghoon clearly did not want to have with him.
“Friend,” he said firmly, looking back at something in his room, “Was there something important you needed?”
That question enough was clear enough for Jaeyun to take a hint - Fuck off.
The blonde stared back up at him, eyes saddened and filled with hurt, “What’s wrong?” and the raven had the audacity to look annoyed. Annoyed by how Jaeyun was still here and asking dumb questions.
“Jaeyun,” his tone sent another aching sting through his heart, “please, I am kind of busy.”
“Why are you being such a dick?” Jaeyun broke, the stray tears falling down his cheek as he looked his supposed boyfriend in the eyes, “Why are you treating me like a little burden that you just can’t seem to get rid of?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“You’re clearly trying to get rid of me!“ Jaeyun sniffled, slapping away Sunghoon’s hand that autonomously came up to wipe the tears from his face, “And clearly don’t want the person to know that I’m your boyfriend, so the question is, what are you talking about?”
“Jaeyunnie, you’re being unreasonably dramatic—“
“You fucking asshole ,” Jaeyun nearly growled, shoving the stupid little plastic bag towards Sunghoon, not giving the male even a second to grab it or process what the older was saying.
“Have fun with your friend.”
And without another glance or word, Jaeyun made his way out of the house, not even bothering to put his shoes on properly because he didn’t want to stay there any longer than needed.
The blonde trusted his boyfriend, he had so much faith in him that he didn’t even assume the other was doing anything inappropriate or over the line with the person with him, he just couldn’t believe how Sunghoon had treated him.
Jaeyun wiped the stray tears from his eyes as he made his way home, chest horribly tight as he held back sobs. The look on the male’s face didn’t seem to leave his brain, the sheer annoyance the male held for the blonde at the moment was something Jaeyun had never even seen on the male’s face.
He spent the rest of the day crying and sitting in self-pity as he watched his phone ring constantly with Sunghoon’s caller ID, no hour passing without a text message or call from the raven. Jaeyun didn’t want to answer it, he didn’t want to hear the same monotone voice, he didn't want to hear the raven just say his name and call his emotional outburst ‘dramatic’. He just wanted to be alone.
And it continued like that for three days — Sunghoon calling him day and night, sending endless amounts of text messages just to know if Jaeyun was alright. It had dragged out so much that the blonde felt that he might’ve ignored the male for too long, promising to finally pick up the call and talk it all out with the man the next time he calls.
But the next day came and he…didn’t. He didn’t call in the morning, didn't text in the afternoon or try contacting him in any way shape or form the whole evening.
Now Jaeyun was sitting on his bed at 10 PM, chin on top of his parched up legs, tears streaming down his eyes as he watched his phone stay silent. He doesn’t know how long he’d been like this - blankly staring at his locked phone as tear after tear fell down.
When midnight came and there was still no call, Jaeyun couldn’t help crying harder. He felt like absolute shit because he felt like Sunghoon had fully given up, and here the blonde was, eyes red and cheeks wet as he cried into his knees with one of Sunghoon’s shirts on, the sleeves now fully covered in snot as he wiped away the never-ending tears.
And on the other side of the never-rung call, Sunghoon was staring at his screen with defeated eyes, his brain clogged with nothing but Jaeyun and how much he just wanted to see or hear him. The raven threw his phone to the side, opting to just not bother the raven anymore and let him come to him. He wasn’t going to give up, but he wasn’t going to force the male to talk to him if he wasn’t alright with that, even if the thought alone had Sunghoon crying into the pillow that Jaeyun used tucked under his chin.
Jaeyun exhaled again, crushing the lemonade can in his hands as he got up, wanting to find a trash can and leave. It was obvious Sunghoon didn’t care and didn’t want to see him right now, which he can understand because the raven has every right to be upset as well, it’s just that it stung. It stung thinking how maybe this was really the beginning of the end of their relationship as lovers, thinking that maybe Sunghoon had realized that they weren’t meant to be and that all they needed was just a little fight to showcase that.
He wiped the stray tear from his eyes, heart clenching as he thought about everything that felt wrong. His boyfriend should be here asking him if he needed some water, if he wanted to be carried, if he wanted a kiss and if he wanted a ride home. But the said boyfriend hasn’t even called. Hasn’t even tried to call him for the past 3 days and Jaeyun couldn’t help but let a few tears fall as he thought about getting used to something like this because how could he?
As he exited the crowded kitchen after disposing of his can, Jaeyun took out his phone with shaky hands, a few tears still shimmering in his eyes as he looked through the uber app's selection, just wanting to finally go home and end his pathetic pity party at a stranger’s house.
The music was still blastic as Jaeyun shuffled his way through, apologizing here and there as he bumped into people. He was about to go through the door when a hand grabbed his wrist. Jaeyun internally panicked, scared that the person who had grabbed him was some creep about to make a move, but the panic soon died when a strong arm circled his middle and a familiar scent hit his senses. He suddenly felt so sober as he inhaled the perfume he had missed so much.
“Are you okay?” the voice whispered and Jaeyun nearly cried from the feeling of knowing that he still cares.
It took everything in him to not turn around and cry happy tears into the taller’s shoulder, but he guarded himself, calmly turning his head to double-check if it was actually Sunghoon.
His eyes were still glassy as he looked at the exhausted expression that had taken over his lover’s usually calm and handsome features. Sunghoon’s eyes were tired, the visible black circles decorating the underparts, activating alarm signals in his head.
“Ho—Sunghoon,” Jaeyun corrected himself, not knowing what they currently were and if Sunghoon even wanted to be addressed as anything the blonde used to call him.
The raven’s eyes turned from worried to hurt as he listened to Jaeyun correct himself, the grip around his wrist loosening as he hesitantly interlocked their fingers, watching as the blonde hesitated as well.
“Can we talk?” Sunghoon asked gently, moving the two away from the door so that they weren’t in the way of people who go in and out for a smoke.
Jaeyun nodded as he allowed Sunghoon to lead the way. Funny enough, the raven had led them right back to the place Jaeyun had previously been sitting alone, wallowing in self-pity.
They sat down on the box chairs facing each other as their knees touched, Sunghoon not letting go of the blonde’s hand and Jaeyun couldn’t help but relax because this was exactly what it should be like.
“Do you need water? Have you been drinking?” Jaeyun shook his head, not fully trusting his voice because he is far too afraid to say something he shouldn’t or simply start crying on the spot.
“Okay…” Sunghoon exhaled, clearly not knowing what to say at this point. All he did was hold onto Jaeyun’s hand like it was his lifeline.
“I’m sorry,” Jaeyun started, taking a deep breath as he collected everything he wanted to say, “I-I know it was childish of me to ignore your texts and calls, I…I was just upset.”
“You don’t have to say sorry, Jaeyunnie—“
“But I do,” he didn’t allow the other to finish, “I know it was rude of me to just come over like that and then get upset and leave so stupidly, I probably embarrassed you in front of your friend, didn’t I?” he asked with teary eyes, looking at Sunghoon with all of his worries on display.
The raven was quick to wipe away the tears, keeping his palms on Jaeyun’s cheeks as he reassured him, “Of course not, petal, you could never embarrass me.”
“I was just very exhausted, and I know that is not an excuse for my actions, especially towards my lovely baby who only wanted to surprise me with his delicious muffins.”
Jaeyun sniffled, scooting his box closer as he held onto Sunghoon’s hands that were still on his cheeks, listening carefully to everything the younger had to say.
“The person…wasn’t even really my friend,” The raven’s voice sounded nearly bitter as he talked about the previous event, “he was new to town and the hockey team, so they wanted me to show him around and stuff, but somehow we ended up in my house because he got bored.”
Jaeyun caressed the male’s hands gently with his thumbs, nodding along as he watched Sunghoon get annoyed once again, “He is genuinely a prick, if I’m honest, and then I found out he was fucking homophobic,” the raven bitterly chuckled, finally detaching his arms from Jaeyun’s cheeks to circle them around his waist, letting the older lean on his shoulder as he continued the story.
“A-And when you came over I just panicked,” he explained, voice fragile as he threaded his fingers through Jaeyun’s hair, “I didn’t want for him to do or say anything to upset you, especially after going off on a tangent about some fucking bullshit verse about gay people and their sins,” Jaeyun felt his eyes damped again as he buried himself deeper into Sunghoon, “and I guess I just let my piled up frustration out on you…I just wished I had done it to him and not my angel.”
“Sunghoonie…” Jaeyun mumbled wetly, hearing the cracks in Sunghoon’s voice as he retold the story, the slight sniffles coming from his lover breaking the blonde even more, “I-I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be,” his grip tightened around him, “I’m just relieved you’re here with me again.”
“I only came because I hoped you’d come for me,” Jaeyun admitted, “I thought you wanted nothing to do with me…”
Sunghoon quickly shut him up with a kiss, pulling Jaeyun on his lap so he could hold him even closer, “Don’t ever say that again.”
“I will always want you,” he whispered, tears rolling down his eyes as he held an equally as messy Jaeyun, “I will want you until the world ends, I will want you when you poke my armpits for no reason, I will want you when we’re both struggling to decide what to do with our lives, I will want you when you’re old and all you want to wear is Christmas sweaters and joggers, I will want you in this life, in the next one and all the different versions of it, okay?”
Jaeyun nodded, tears uncontrollably rolling down his cheek again as he looked at Sunghoon with a blinding smile.
“We will always be alright,” he assured the blonde, “and I will always love you, whatever the situation.”
“I love you so much,” Jaeyun whispered, pulling the male in for a sweet kiss as the two cried and laughed into each other.
Jaeyun has a lot of things he is worried about in life, but he thinks that with Sunghoon by his side, he’ll be able to worry about them just a little less because at least he’ll have a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on.