Chapter Text
It should have been a warning signal to him, now that he thought about it…
Something was wrong with him. He wasn’t his normal self lately. Levi slid his hands across the smooth wood of Erwin’s desk. It was tidy, empty apart from two books and somehow regal. At least regal to him, the surprisingly talented underground-thug with the dead friends.
It should have been signalling that there was something to worry about, Levi thought, when he had felt the strange reluctance to clean his weapons and gear after that day…
It was very unusual for Levi not to clean filthy things. In fact, it had never happened before. But that day, it had. Levi tucked one thumb beneath the shoulder-straps of his 3DM-gear and slid his finger across the strong leather. He felt hollow. The thought of Isabel and Farlan did not sting, as it should have... actually... Levi had felt nothing. He actively felt nothing even now, as if he had been filled from head to heels with the thought of his friends, and now they were gone, wiped out, cleaned away.
Levi let his hair fall into his eyes as he looked down again. He had not wanted to clean his things the day he lost Farlan and Isabel. He had returned to the barracks they had shared, where Isabel’s open laughter still seemed to keep the silence at distance. And he had been reluctant to remove his blood-stained clothes, reluctant to take a shower, reluctant to clean away the blood and mud, clean away the only thing that connected him to his friends.
‘We planned to do this together. We planned to do everything together, we were a team! We… I believed in you two, Isabel… so why…? You were my family.’ Levi thought, and hot anger flamed up when his mind flashed with the memory about the stupid fucking monsters that had ended his family. It trickled away when another guilty thought attacked his head: Why haven’t I ever told you what you meant to me?
He shook his head sadly. It had not been necessary to voice the obvious. They had been a family. For each and every one of them, for Isabel, for Farlan, and especially for Levi himself, this had been all they had got.
When he had finally cleaned his equipment, late that evening, when all the other soldiers had already gone to bed, he had felt nothing.
He had done it mechanically, methodically, and still his eyes were wet, mourning, grieving for those stains of mud, blood and who-knows-what-else. Sharp and unforgiving, his hands cleaned away the only evidence that Farlan and Isabel had existed, the blood of their death. The taste of their revenge. The smell of rain and mud and grief that stuck with Levi for days and weeks. The memory…
No, he would never die, Levi had promised himself, just that night. If he died, nobody would remember his friends. They would be dead definitely and ultimately, dead forever. They didn’t deserve that!
So he needed a reason to live. Although the thought of Farlan and Isabel was strong, it wasn’t strong enough to keep a man without hope living.
And so he clung to his superior, to Keith Shadis’ trusted officer Erwin Smith. This man had plans, had ideas, had ideals – he had spirit and hope enough for all of them. Erwin was following some dream Levi could not even see – but he would follow Erwin Smith anywhere. He would die for him – somehow he knew that Erwin had not forgotten about Isabel and Farlan. So if Levi died to keep Erwin alive and remembering, that would be a good death… except that after his death there would be nobody to save Erwin’s ass. Hm.
Levi had heard that Erwin was quite capable of surviving, but then again Levi didn't give a damn about the training the recruits received here - in his opinion, each and every one of them lacked instinct above everything, the sad remains of their instincts suffocated by the well-rehearsed moves they were taught, and that was a terrible thing. So he had sworn to himself to keep an eye on Erwin Smith, saving his life if needed. He needed him alive.
Desperate. Levi was desperate, and he knew it. He despised himself, pathetic as he was. Once again he stood in his superior’s room in the middle of the night, quiet as the sheets of dark the night spread above the world.
Levi feared the darkest hours of the night. It was always those dark, silent hours that accused him, drenched him in guilt and made him go crazy over his own, depraved self and how he should have never left his friends to get that stupid job done…
He usually woke up at around midnight, all covered in sweat and guilt, went for a quick shower, dressed and climbed up the walls of the building that accommodated the higher-ranking members of the corps. Breaking into Erwin’s room was easy as shit for someone like him. Then he would just stay here for some hours, quietly wandering around the dark, moon-lit rooms, thinking - breathing, basically. Then, in the early morning hours, he would return to his own bed, catching up on his sleep.
It had took a couple of nights until Levi had gathered enough courage to enter Erwin’s bedroom, but he had needed to… the loneliness in the cool of the night was smothering him. The silence ringed in his ears. Even though he knew Erwin’s presence to be right behind the door between bedroom and antechamber – that was not enough.
Levi craved to see the slow breathing of another human. He craved to hear the blood rushing steadily through a body pulsating with life. He craved to just know of the warmth radiating from someone strong and alive. Someone who wouldn’t die.
And so he came to Erwin Smith’s room every night, for just a few hours, and watched him sleep.
Levi didn’t worry about waking him – he knew for a fact that Erwin only granted himself a few hours of sleep, and once he slept, he slept. As soundly as a baby. Levi could totally understand that – he himself was more than exhausted from a day’s worth of training, cleaning, learning, everything.
Levi walked past the door that was ajar as always, silent like a breath. Erwin's room - and Levi had no idea why Erwin had a room to himself - was divided into a small antechamber containing a desk, some shelves, two doors, one leading into the hallway and one leading into Erwin's bedroom, and the window Levi used to get in. Levi was barefoot – he always was, as he knew his boots would make some noise on the wooden floor, no matter how careful he was. The bedroom was slightly warmer than the small room he came from. Also, the air seemed to be… thicker here. It was well-lit by another big window just across the room, painting the pattern of its bars onto Erwin’s blanket.
Levi smiled a content little smile. He somehow truly enjoyed the peaceful up and down of Erwin’s broad chest heaving with slow, deep breaths. But that wasn’t the only reason he enjoyed this – also, he thought about how creepy he himself was. Silent as undisturbed waters he stood in his superior’s dark rooms in the middle of the night and watched him sleeping. His smile grew wider. Creepy!
Levi stepped closer, but remained careful, keeping some distance. He himself knew that Erwin, even when soundly asleep, would sense his presence if Levi violated his personal space. That much he had learned from watching him closely since Levi had joined the Survey Corps.
So he remained still, a few steps away from touching the frame of Erwin’s bed.
He just stood and watched, breathing slowly, hungrily taking in the feeling of someone’s living presence.
Of Erwin’s presence.
The only one who would still think about Farlan and Isabel.
The only reason Levi felt connected to this hell of a world at all.