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Regulus always knew.
Ever since James had kissed him in the confines of the shadows that fateful night and it had all began. Throughout the kisses, the lingering stares and brief touches Regulus knew. Even if he looked at Regulus with such care. Even though such genuine love pooled in those doe-eyes he knew it would never last.
Because yes, James did love him. Of course he did, James Potter loved harder than anyone Regulus had ever met. But that was the problem, when he fell, he fell hard. And James’ first love was and forever would be Lily Evans. Oh, and Regulus couldn’t blame him. Lily was a sight to marvel at and a force to be reckoned with. Top of her class, effortlessly gorgeous and yet she remained humble and kind. Regulus wanted to hate her for it but he found he couldn’t.
That didn’t stop the hurt that tugged at his heart when James’ eyes followed her unknowingly, how his face lit up when he saw her enter a room, how he loved her more then he could ever love Regulus. He knew James didn’t even know that he still loved Lily, his brain assuming his love for Regulus cancelled it out. It didn’t of course.
In a way Regulus was glad. It was easier this way. If James had loved him with all his heart if he didn’t harbour such emotions for Lily Regulus wouldn’t have been able to leave him. Merlin save him he wouldn’t have had the willpower. Being with James was a liability to his cause. He wouldn’t have been able to undermine the dark lord and betray his bloodline if James had anything to say about it. He could hear him now, telling him it was too risky despite his own track record of recklessness. And Regulus would have listened, would have stayed by his side, probably would’ve fought with the order alongside his brother. What would that accomplish? He’d end up another body among the rubble and take James with him.
No, it was better to leave. To create distance with those who would tempt him away from his path. Cutting ties with his brother completely, abandoning their already fragile relationship and leaving James. He broke it to him in the very same shadows he had first kissed him. He’d been confused, to be fair Regulus hadn’t given him much of an explanation. Better to leave on bad terms so James wouldn’t get any ideas to try and mend their relationship or to form a friendship. When the tears spilled Regulus turned on his heels and walked away. Partly to twist the knife he had stabbed into James but mostly so he wouldn’t see his own heartbreak rolling down his cheeks.
The next year James and Lily had finally gotten together much to the delight of their friends who would holler every time they even touched hands the first few weeks of their relationship. Regulus had been correct; the way James had looked at him was only a fraction of how he gawked at Lily. They were a picture perfect couple and they seemed happier than most secondary school relationships, happier than most marriages actually. Regulus had only been a buffer to their happiness, a roadblock to be moved.
On rare occasions he would finds James’ attention turned to him and each time he’d muster up all his strength to glance at James only to scoff with disinterest. He’d feel part of himself shatter as James would deflate and his stare would turn away. James stopped looking completely eventually.
Regulus resided himself to loneliness like he had planned. He’d spend his last school years isolated keeping everyone at arm's length, observing from afar instead. Watching his brother grow and his first love thrive. Watching their lives, their pranks, their foolish school boy antics, their simple joys, in which Regulus had none.
Now as Regulus felt the steady pressure of the fake locket gripped in his hand, he knew he had made the right call. If he gave into his desire to keep those he loved close he would never have been able to do this. At least now he would die with purpose. He looked down at the house elf staring up at him with big worried eyes and gave a sour chuckle that he had somehow managed to become the closest thing Regulus had to a friend. He swirled the potion in his hand staring down into its bleak complexation. He raised it to his lips slowly stopping just as it brushed against them.
He thought of Sirius. Of how as boys they stuck together through thick and thin. How even through Sirius’s disappointing sorting Regulus hadn’t left his side. How they held hands in the dark listening to the screams coming from downstairs. How Regulus had picked up healing magic so he could sneak into Sirius’ room after dark and help to mend his bruising and fresh cuts. How Sirius had begged him to come with him the night he ran away to live with the Potters. And Regulus’ mind drifted to James. Of the kindness he showed him when he had found him slumped in a hallway dreading the return home for Christmas break. The carefully hidden friendship that had formed from there. Their first shy kiss that James had pressed against his lips before jumping so far back he hit his head on the wall. Their innocent relationship, Regulus loved him more of course but the sting of it was healed when James would kiss him in their secret spot and whisper sweet nothings, the pain temporally forgotten. How James had let out soft cries as Regulus turned his back on him the night he ended things; he hadn’t been at breakfast the next morning. How James’ smile slowly returned and how it grew brighter than ever when Lily had asked him to Hogsmeade. They had been in the paper when they married, their friends all by their side grinning wildly. Sirius gripping James’ shoulder laughing and glancing at Remus the same way James did to Lily. Young, stupid and in love.
Sirius and James had gotten their happy endings.
Regulus smiled and downed the potion in one gulp.