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Kaidan’s hands were gripping the guardrail on the terrace in the Councilor’s office. He looked around; he could hear the sound of the falling waters on the Presidium, interrupted by the noise of shuttles flying around. The artificial sky was bright and blue, unlike the real sky over the colony he’d just left.
“She was there,” he said, looking at the green vegetation below him. It reminded him of the color of her eyes. “She was on Horizon.”
There was silence. Kaidan lifted his hands and turned around, looking at Anderson. “Did you know about this?”
Anderson walked over unhurriedly and joined Kaidan on the balcony. “I knew that she’s around. She was here,” he said.
Kaidan stirred. “What do you mean she was here? Here on the Citadel?”
“Yes.”
“Did you speak with her?”
“Yes, I did.”
Confusion surged in Kaidan, agitation even. Why the hell wasn’t I told about this? Why wasn’t I summoned the very moment she walked through this door? he wanted to ask. But he didn’t.
“Do you know why she was there?” Anderson inquired, his eyes sweeping over the streets below.
Kaidan bit his lip. “She said she’s after the Collectors.”
“With Cerberus?” the Councilor glanced at him, raising an eyebrow.
“That’s what I’d like to know?” Kaidan replied with both question and surprise in his voice. Despite trying to control himself, he sounded exasperated, almost angry.
Anderson only sighed in response and rested his hands behind his back.
Kaidan turned away and put his arms on the bannister again. He looked down at his hands – they’d become rougher, with a few more cuts and blisters earned on Horizon, and before Horizon. The thought of holding her in these arms only a few days ago made a shiver go down his spine.
“Is she coming back?” he asked. His voice was suddenly raspy, so he cleared his throat, feeling as if he got caught red-handed with his emotions outwardly leaking out of him.
“To the Alliance?”
To me, he wanted to say.
“Yeah.”
“Doesn’t look like it,” Anderson replied.
Another moment of silence fell between them.
“Is she going to get court martialed?”
“For what?”
Kaidan sneered. “I don’t know, going AWOL for two years? Joining a fucking extremist group?”
Leaving me here, with a torn out heart, without her, he thought.
“Commander, she got spaced. I’m not sure that quite counts as AWOL,” Anderson replied sternly.
“So you’re not bringing her in?”
“Why would we? No.”
Kaidan exhaled. He looked down to the streets, not sure what was it that he hoped to see there. Did he think he would catch a glimpse of a familiar silhouette? Was he that naive?
“Was that really her?” he asked quietly.
Anderson looked at him. “What do you mean?”
He finally brought himself to say out loud what he was obsessively thinking about since he stepped off Horizon. It felt like betrayal to think these things. He hated himself. It was treason, treachery. But so was letting him suffer through all these years, and letting him suffer now.
“How was she there if she got spaced?”
Anderson hummed, turning his eyes away again, a wrinkle emerging on his forehead. “I don’t know, commander,” he admitted after a moment. “But I’m starting to think that maybe we did not do enough two years ago.”
The Councilor turned away and moved to his desk. He sat down. It was a sign that the meeting was over.
“I want you to take a few days off and then report to Hackett on Arcturus,” he said, fingers already tapping on the screen of his terminal. “Brass has an assignment for you. An Alliance cruise is scheduled for next Monday.”
“I don’t need a few days off,” Kaidan protested.
“I wasn’t asking.”
The room was dark, save for the neon lights pouring in through the high window, illuminating the bed he was sitting on. He glanced at the clock on the night stand and ran his fingers through his hair. Just then a knock echoed on the door and he got up to open.
She was standing in the hallway with a little smile on her lips. He noticed she looked nice, different than the last time he saw her. She had delicate makeup on that helped accentuate her natural beauty. She was pretty. He almost surprised himself with that observation.
“Hi,” she said.
“Hi,” he replied.
He moved to the side to let her in; she seemed to hesitate for a moment, but then she entered. She took a few steps inside and looked around. It was a small, basic hotel room – a bed, a chair and a small table, and his single black travel bag lying in the corner. With so little space, they were standing close together.
“I was surprised to get your message,” she said, brushing hair away from her face, “but I’m glad I did.”
His heart was beating fast and his mouth was dry, so he coughed to clear his throat. He was looking for the right words but couldn’t find them; instead he took a step towards her, finding himself face to face with her. She had lovely eyes and a coy smile on her lips.
Kaidan framed her face in his hands and kissed her. She seemed surprised, but only for a second – she then threw her arms around his neck and gave into the kiss. He kissed her hard and pulled her closer, like a man starved, coaxing her mouth open as he slid his tongue inside. A quiet moan escaped her.
He wanted this, he needed it. He craved release. He was afflicted with a torturous fever.
Hands diving under her shirt, he touched her bare back, giving her time to protest if she wanted to – but she didn’t. With a swift motion he took her blouse off; she then grabbed his shirt and pulled it over his head. He let her undress him.
He was standing in front of her, breathing heavy. She reached out and touched his cheek, then his neck, moved her hand down to his chest and finally rested it above his heart.
He had been alone for so long. He cried, he mourned, he languished. He dreamed of nights long gone. He ached for what he once had and what was taken from him.
But this, her, this wasn’t it.
She did not taste the same. She did not feel the same under his fingertips. She wasn’t leaving scorching marks when she was touching him. His biotics did not react to her with a roar of thunder.
He stopped her, gripping her hand and taking it off his body. He looked at her, and realized… this was not the same. It could never be the same. At that moment he knew: he did not want anything else.
“I’m sorry,” he said, turning his gaze away, “I think you should go.”
She stirred, her eyebrows lifting. “Is it something I did?” she asked quietly.
He could not bear to stand there any longer, with her so close. He felt ashamed.
“No,” he said hoarsely. “It’s something I did. Or rather… something I didn’t do.” He reached to the floor and picked up her blouse. He gave it to her. “I’m sorry,” he repeated. “Please go.”
As he watched her get dressed, he could feel his mouth was dry again, his throat arid, parched.
She went to the door. “Goodbye, Kaidan.”
“Goodbye, doc.”
No doctor on the Citadel was able to help him.
Nothing in this world could quench this never ending thirst. Only Shepard could. But he told her to go to hell.
Now he was in it.