Chapter Text
I let my head fall back, brows pinching together as I tried to let the waves of nausea wash over me. Why does reading and traveling always make me so sick? I sigh heavily, hands sliding over the pages to its hardcover. I packed the tome away in my satchel, sitting straight and reaching my arms above me in a long stretch. The forest glowed in the waning sunlight, as if soaking it all in before moonlight. The sounds of the forest beating in a soft rhythm, daylighters saying goodnight while the night slowly rose with the twilight.
Just up ahead now, the bumpy pebbled dirt road turned into stone. A road, thank The Nine. A stone road and a fresh, full meal would be perfect right about now. I settled against the wooden back of the very uncomfortable bench. The corners of my mouth turned down. Shoulders loose with my head lulled to the side, gaze glued to the trail we were leaving behind. This trip had been miserable, not that traveling back to Cyrodiil from Morrowind was ever great. I pressed and kneaded that damned spot on my back with my fingers, stretching my neck side to side. By Stendarr’s will, that wicked ache from the boat ride would ease soon enough.
I laced my fingers together in my lap, staring down at my ink-stained skin. Nine years. Traveling abroad through all nine provinces. I rolled my eyes to the side. Well, almost nine years. Kvatch cut my plans short. Things felt as if they were moving so quickly. It hadn’t felt too long ago that a colleague had been keeping me updated on the devastating events of the Oblivion Crisis till a letter addressed to me with the official emperor's seal arrived. Not as if I was complaining, after all, the art of restoration was my arcane profession.
Kvatch was my destination; it had been most decimated, every single person who called it home having been displaced or…
I clenched my eyes shut, shaking my head as if to dispel the horrifying thought before it could take a visual form.
“Miss?” A gravelly voice broke through my stupor, reminding me I was indeed traveling with someone. Not sure if I was grateful for the distraction he was providing me or afraid for provoking the next thoughts that followed.
The thoughts that prevented me from ever getting close to anyone. Not even as friends, only few as colleagues.
I gave him a quick, curt nod, looking up at the Brenton man through lashes. I couldn’t help it. Apparently, neither could he, as he smirked at me, his brow quirking. The heat in my cheeks growing more intense. I kept all one-on-one interactions rare and, when they did occur, very short. Here, out in the open wilderness, it was different. Reminding me that I was not alone in just a hallway with a man, nor just a library, but rather a wagon with only the vast forest surrounding us. What if I froze and couldn't protect myself from him? I bit my lip as my thoughts raced. Short scenes of the man pinning me down on the wagon, my stomach flush to the wood, and his hands groping. Maybe he would drag me out by my hair and forcefully take me in the dirt and grass?
The thought spun, webbing itself to the inside of my mind. So thick that if I hadn’t been adept at removing it, I most certainly would be lost in it. I took a deep breath, steadying my eyes to the trees ahead and exhaling with slow, steady concentration. My mantra slashing through the webs. I would not let these sick, demented thoughts get the better of me. They did not rule here; I was the master of my mind. The sooner I got this conversation over, the faster I’d dispel these thoughts.
I turned my attention back over to the man, with my thoughts a little quieter now. His gaze had been fixated on me up until I turned my focus back on him. I pursed my lips, my eyes narrowed. He cleared his throat, shrugging his shoulders. As if tense, as if uncomfortable. Is it because I’m a mage? Please don’t tell me he noticed me… I couldn’t even think it. I smoothed my hair and busied myself with a different kind of overthinking.
“Only letting you know we are nearly at your destination.” A sigh of relief unshackled itself. With a short thank you, I tilted my head back, my eyes meeting a now late morning sky. My heart squeezed quicker, the rush of blood in my ears, as that weightless sensation spread through my core. Was I ready for this? My body sucked in a sharp breath. I didn’t realize I hadn’t been breathing. I’m overthinking it. Of course, I was ready; this life was better spent giving penance. There was no time for doubts creeping in, not when there was work to be done in the name of The Nine. Atonement in servitude and solitude.
My feelings of resolution, however, were accompanied by a strained smile. I took a deep breath and set forth to pack the remaining various tomes and books I had dragged out in an attempt to abate my boredom. I place my heavy satchel beside me. Perhaps I could combine all my journals and write a solid aid book for new restoration mages. Covering the practicals in magick and how to apply them in disaster relief. My attention turned to the destination ahead, my eyes gripping the road. Either way, I just hoped I was more than just another set of hands.
As we ascended the winding road to Kvatch, the scent of wet ash and struggling growth assaulted my senses. Scorch marks as far as out here could be seen, and this wasn’t even the worst of it. The crumbling arch, where those thick wooden doors lay in ruin, led to another world I couldn’t have imagined. I sat a little straighter, my brows drawn together, lips slightly parted as it all came crashing down on my grief-laden shoulders.
That sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach sank to a low I didn’t know was possible. The wreck of Kvtach loomed before me. “By The Nine.” I gaped, my eyes searching for something that wasn’t in almost total ruin.
Only to find nothing.
“You mages are doing their work by being here. May it see you through to a good afterlife.” The man's words seemed so distant. How could my thoughts be about anything close to benefiting from such a tragedy? I knew he didn’t mean it as such, but they still wounded me all the same. Some sad, pathetic martyr I was to refuse them all the same, though.
“T-thank you,” I mumbled, my eyes darting from my wringing hands to the ruins. I felt clammy and pale; something acrid was invading my taste buds, and my stomach churned. It was one thing to hear of it, and something else to see it, bear witness to it. I grasped at my stomach, gritting my teeth. My head filled with a thick haze that left me dizzy.
What a sorrowful sight indeed. The throes of the Oblivion crisis had shredded Xvatch in many ways beyond the physical. With our emperor sacrificed to the greater good, and almost all of Cyrodiil in desperate need. Rebuilding was the next task for Cyrodiil, Xvatch being a daunting one indeed.
“Hurts my heart to think of all the folks that had been senselessly murdered.” He shuffled uncomfortably, keeping his eyes trained on the road. “Can't help but think it could have been avoided,” He murmured this last bit, but I had heard it all the same. What could the empire have done? The truth of the matter was that prophecies were not spent on small cities such as Kvatch. I didn't see the point in saying, giving him a “hmpf” that I hoped sounded like enough of an agreement to move on.
As the carriage slowed, I stood, brushing myself off and slinging my satchel over my shoulder as I did. I handed over a more than well-off tip to the man, almost as an apology. Making sure to meet his eyes with a short, respectful thank you, before turning on a heel. Carefully lowering myself down. I stared at the barren earth, stared at what had been soaked in blood. I swallowed it all down, pushing myself from the carriage.
As soon as my foot touched the barren land of Xvatch, my spirit left my body, and I saw the flashes of blinding crimson so hot it turned white. Licks of yellow paint a starless sky. I doubled over, wrapping my arms around my waist. My face scrunched together a horrible sensation peeling away at my being.
“Oh, gods.” My lips pulled back, teeth grit. I heaved a burning breath into my lungs. Oblivion was here, it still lingered, and it would until every inch of this place had been cleansed.
“Miss- are you alright?” His words felt like a hand grabbing me by the shoulder and dragging my body back. I wiped the sweat from my brow with the back of my hand. Blinking my eyes until I was sure I saw the sunlight on my feet and nothing else.
“I-I, I don’t know…” Slowly standing back up, my foot slid in the earth as I wavered. “I think so?” I didn’t mean for it to come as a question, and the man before me didn’t appear as though he had an answer. There was important work to be done. Standing here, shaking and terrified, was only serving to embarrass me rather than serve a greater good. I didn’t offer an excuse or anything. Opting for staggering away with the heel of my palm planted firmly against my throbbing temple.
There was a profound energy filling this place; its claws threatened to unbind the very seams that kept planes apart. Very important seams. The echoes reverberated through my skull, coming in waves, with every footfall I trudged. I wasn’t unfamiliar with any of it. I forced my eyes to fully open, darting back to the ground that reeked of hollow, decrepit intents. Willing myself to find stability and adhere to it.
I staggered over the decaying dirt. Closing myself off to its pleas and begging. Moving forward, focusing solely on my own intentions. Every breath felt like thorns as I moved deeper into the city, toward the chapel. Yet there was breath, there was my feet moving onward. I wouldn’t cast myself into the bellows of darkness before I had even begun to help.
I walked over the ruined pathway and rubble, pushing open the chapel doors. Light poured through the ceiling; the top of the chapel had been cleaved right off. I stared up through it, staring at the sky, wondering what The Nine thought of it all. I gripped the strap of my satchel a little tighter, turning my attention to what looked like chaos. Everyone was gathered here, and it appeared that I was the last to arrive.
My eyes connected with an open spot against a wall in a dimly lit portion of the chapel. The deeper I moved, the closer the walls came. The cacophony of voices were loud and overbearing to my usual environment but it wasn’t that. There was something lurking here. Something that made the walls of this holy place pulse like a gaping wound unable to clot. With each throb, I could feel the sludge, my feet dragging against the stone. Something was lurking within, something was begging for an audience.
I peered around, trying to discern whatever it was. Strange though, I hadn’t felt the presence until I was in the building. Scanning each mage and the priests that were gathered, looking for anyone else who noticed what I was sensing. Each one looked deep in conversation, leaving me the odd one out. My brow furrowed, brow creasing. You’re overthinking. Or maybe I wasn’t? My skin crawled. Perhaps it's social anxiety… Before I could decide to write it off to that, I noticed a man noticing me. The tall, light, ashen blue Dunmer suddenly started his way toward me.
My heart thumped against my chest. Instinctively, I slid my feet together, my thighs pressing against each other. My lips parted, eyes widening. Say something, or look away mayb-
“You must be the traveling prodigy herself!” A hand outstretched itself alongside this introduction. I locked eyes with the man trying to introduce himself. Feebly extending my hand to meet his. The handshake was warm and brief, yet still that unshakable thought crossed my mind. I knew it would not leave for the remainder of the day. I must have looked shaken as the man tilted his head at me, concern flashing across his features.
“Zirain.” He smiled warmly at me, and I saw it reach his eyes. I knew if I tried to return it, it would not be genuine in kind. He was quite taller than me, with short, graying hair being the only indicator of his age. Clean and well-mannered, as well, nothing about him should have made me feel the way I did. It wasn’t from the imminent conversation or the physical contact I was afraid of. Rather, what it was that I genuinely craved. I squirmed a little, my eyes darting away from his, feeling like the reprieve I needed.
Just introduce yourself and get it over with. But my throat clenched, and suddenly this distance was too close, and I couldn’t breathe. I forced my mouth open only for silence. The man tilted his head, his brow furrowing tighter. He took a step toward me, hand outstretched toward my arm.
The wall vibrated against me, with each beat of my heart, it drummed into me. Filling my head with a dense fog that I couldn’t see through. It felt like a warning, but for what I couldn’t tell.
I heard the man say something. What was his name? I slammed the heel of my palm against my temple. Trying to orient myself, I felt a hand follow my arm, touching lightly at my elbow. Reassuringly. Building that horrible urge within me in its warm wake.
Proximity, body heat, attention, and the persistent urging from this decrepit town were destroying a sense of self-preservation I had fought to uphold. My hands toppled over his warm, firm chest. My palms splayed across it. I let out a quiet, pained moan as my head fell forward. That hand that had been on my elbow slid to hook his arm around my ribcage. I clenched my eyes tighter. A forbidden feeling blossomed then, the cotton at my slit now slick.
“Hey, are you alright?” His words cut through the horrible sound, yet it wasn’t enough to shake me free.
The urge to fall deeper into him, the overbearing need for him to ravage me entirely. Until there was nothing left of me, my cheek slid up his chest, and I inhaled deeply, fragrant musk. He had been on the road as I had. His hands slide up my back, and I wish for them to be lower instead. I wish-
I pushed myself back against the wall again, my eyes wide open. Heaving breath into my constricted lungs. There is no stability here. I pushed past him, my eyes glued to the wavering stone floor. Hoping that no one else had seen. Yet as I pushed past the door and into the center of the ruined town. I no longer cared if they had. There was a gnawing acceptance here.
“Wait!” I kept my head low, walking toward the inn where I would be staying. A hand grabbed my upper arm, halting me in my tracks. I spun around, a cross between terrified and agitated. I glared up at him. He stuttered, eyes scanning my reaction as if caught off guard by it.
“I-I only wanted to-“ I glanced down at the grip he had on my arm. His eyes widened, and he immediately let go like he’d been shocked, stepping back. “I just.” His shoulders slumped in defeat. I softened, this wasn’t me and he had done nothing wrong. I sighed, slinging my satchel back up onto my shoulder before crossing my arms.
“I’m fine, it’s just…” I trailed off. I could just feel someone staring, feel the burn they left on my nape. I peered around, sliding my hand protectively over the back of my neck. He had an eyebrow raised when I met his eyes again. “There is something here, beyond what we came for.” I finished, narrowing my eyes at my sudden admission. Abnormal for me in more ways than one. He nodded absentmindedly as if mulling this over.
“You don’t sense it, do you?” He shook his head, and I sighed once again. Feeling a familiar sense of defeat.
“I believe you, your essays and papers are more renowned than you think.” He quickly added. My brow furrowed, and I turned slowly.
“I see.”
“Come back to the chapel.” He sounded more confident now, taking a step toward me as he said this. I quickly shook my head.
“I’d prefer to clear my head. It would do me no good going back.”
“Then I’ll fill you in.” He added, almost desperate.
“A frivolous endeavor…but I-“ I paused briefly. “Would appreciate it.” I didn’t wait for a response, turning on my heel back toward the inn. Tonight would be better spent alone so I could gather my thoughts.
I no longer believed this would only be a task of aid. Benevolent actions seemed mute here. Something from the depths ached beneath me. To me.
Visceral fear. The kind I had long avoided. I hugged myself tighter. I could only hope it stayed at bay long enough for me to finish my work here.
I had been a fool to think I could avoid this forever.