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When was the last time my hand wasn't constantly holding this pe n, writing my feelings out? If I hadn’t started writing, and kept on locking my thoughts inside, where would’ve I been today? Would I be in a world without my love? To think that there is somewhere out there, another me living without her warmth and fire, it’s a pity.
It had all started when she saw my silly little note about how I adored this movie: ‘This movie is so gorgeous, despite it being an animation. I feel pity for Jun, for keeping her mouth shut just because a stinky egg told her to. Still, some might find it silly, for anxiety to be portrayed as a Prince Egg, but I realize it symbolizes how fragile such feeling can be. Maybe one day, I will, I can sing out my feelings, break my little shell and have someone listening.’ I will always remember the next thing she said, with her sparkling eyes and her rosy cheeks, “Can you tell me more? I’m so interested.”
I never believed it when old folks, well technically not my own old folks, say ‘LOVE will find YOU”, but I totally get it now. I didn’t find her, somehow the universe managed to push her toward me, knowing well that I was hoping for someone to listen to me talk, an opportunity I could never get. How can I forget the way my mother never had her attention on me whenever I talk about something I like? How can I ignore the feeling… the feeling of wasting my time, even when talking to my own mother? I had given up a long time ago, hence the action of burying my voice inside. Regardless of the way I was treated, the little old me insisted that I will never treat others the same. Another note was written, ‘To my future bestfriend who will also be my soulmate, I will always listen to your interests, even if I know nothing of it. I will have my full attention on you, like how everyone on Earth lays on the ground, paying attention to the eclipse.’
Amber, such fiery energy appearing in my life to lift my spirit back up, she was indeed a miracle sent by the angels. I will forever be grateful. I loved everything about her. The way she gets excited talking about the bunny she saw on the street, the way she squeaks when she sees a flower that resembles my blue hair, and the way her eyes look at me when she has her arms wrapped around my neck. On the day she made the first move when I couldn’t, I asked, “Why was it I, and not someone else?” Such a beautiful star, why did she choose me? She tilted her head to the side with a sweet smile on her face, “I really love you. I adore the way you describe things, ‘cause you know.. I’m not good with words. Like.. like..” even her little fumble and tiny frustration were adorable to look at. Perhaps I knew what she wanted to say, but I kept quiet and waited for her to finish instead.
“Like the way you described the butterflies we saw last week. Like the way you said I am as beautiful as your favorite flower in your garden at home. I adore the way you will always make me feel like the most special girl in the world, and I want you to always stay with me.” There was a quiet shout in the last part of her sentence. I had a short minute of overwhelming feeling, the things she had loved about me were the things I hated. Words couldn’t describe how more in love I was with her. Such short sentences, yet they gave me more emotions than any notes I had written in my life. I love her. I love her so much. I love her. I love her so much.
I kept my promise from the first note I’ve ever written, and added something special just for her. I lived everyday with her, watching the way she flipped our pancakes in the morning as I write as a small income for us. We lived a modest and happy life together, just the two of us. Everyday has been a blessing with her by my side and I couldn’t even gather enough words to say how grateful I was to see her flowy brown hair the first thing in the morning. The special thing I had mentioned, well, I decided to write birthday letters every year and keep them until we grow gray and old. On the 10th of August every year, I write two different birthday letters for my dear, one to keep for her to read when I find the suitable time, another one on the moment she blows out her candles.
21st Birthday, 10th August, 1962: ‘Happy birthday, my love. This is your first birthday that we celebrate together, since the day we became a couple, since the day you made the first move, knowing real well I was a big wuss! I am really glad you did, or else maybe you could’ve been dragged off by someone else better than me. It hadn’t been long since we started dating, so please excuse my anxiousness. By the time you read this… are we still together? I can’t imagine losing your shine in my life, and I doubt I am living well if we aren’t together anymore. You looked really gorgeous today, by the way. You wore the yellow dress I bought you months ago, and these butterflies hairpin on your hair. Lisa did so well styling your hair today. You were shining so much at the birthday party today. Here's hoping every other birthday is like this. I love you, my sunshine. Happy birthday.”
33th Birthday, 10th August, 1973: ‘Happy birthday, my love. You decided to cut your hair short this year, and you still somehow look the same as the first day I saw you. Do you remember reading my note about the Prince Egg? Though your hair is now different, your eyes still sparkle the same way. The older I get, the more in love I am with you. You would always complain upon seeing your first wrinkle, but also get tired of hearing me say that it looks flawless on you. More years to come, and I will always be here, to hold your delicate hand with mine, and kiss your cheeks the same way. You might not know this, but the flowers I recently planted are for you. Notice how the petals have the same color as your eyes? Sounds cliche but I guess I prefer to go to places that will have snippets of your features. My love for you stays the same each year. I love you, my sunshine. Happy birthday.”
71st Birthday, 10th August, 2012: ‘Happy birthday, my love. This marks our 50 years together. I am so grateful for all the time we’ve been through together. Time had passed so fast, it was as though we were still 21 years old yesterday. The portrait we took together was gorgeous, dear. My heart aches a bit seeing how you got home after we got the portrait, and immediately feel your face full of wrinkles with your weak hands. We’re growing older, love, but your wrinkles are not your flaws, you’ve always hated it when I say it. You grew more tired these days, you grew weaker but your smile still shines bright. Do you ever get sick of hearing the phrase ‘I Love You’ from me? Every night I wish to the stars that there will not come one day where you find my words insincere. I truly meant every word I say to you, no matter how often they’re being spoken of. My feelings for you stay the same. I love you, my sunshine. Happy birthday.”
81st Birthday, 10th August, 2022: ‘Happy birthday, my love. The flowers bloom so elegantly today, in celebration of your birthday, and the weather is so nice today too. I made us cups of coffee, your favorite. I’ve plucked some flowers from the garden for you, the colors of your eyes. It’s so quiet in the house. Maybe if we had better technology like the way the youngsters have today, I could record the voice of you singing to Happy Birthday, and listen to it, or just record your voice in general. I miss your laughs. I miss your smiles and I miss you. I’ll live my last few breaths, until I’m able to see you. You’re watching down on me, right? Now you found out my little secrets on these birthday letters for the past 60 years. I hope you like them. I still love you, the same I love you on the first day we dated. I love you, my sunshine. Happy birthday.”
Oh how I wished I had given her these birthday letters a few weeks ago.