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In spite of Rachel’s less than sympathetic opinion of Grace missing any school time for Doris’s death, Danny and Steve picked Grace up early from school on the way to the funeral home for the visitation. Mr. Holden had called to say he was able to prepare Steve’s mother for an open casket. Steve wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Part of him wanted one more chance to see her, another part of him dreaded it. When they arrived at the funeral home, Steve assumed the packed parking lot must have been for another visitation. Doris hadn’t really had time to make that many new friends since re-establishing herself there so briefly.
When they went inside, he was surprised to see the lobby packed with HPD uniforms, a mix of dress blues and street uniforms, and many familiar faces including their friends and Five-0 teammates. It was a bit more overwhelming than what Steve had expected when he opted for a private service, but he was moved at the same time that word-of-mouth had brought out so many people.
Mr. Holden guided the three of them to the room where their visitation was being held. This was still private time for the family until they began viewing hours at two o’clock that afternoon.
Steve lingered near the back of the room. He could see her lying there, catch a flash of her reddish hair and her profile. He reached over almost instinctively and found Danny’s hand and held onto it.
“I need a minute.” He sat down on a folding chair at the end of one of the rows of chairs.
“Of course,” Mr. Holden said. “If you need anything or have any concerns, I’ll be in my office. We won’t open the doors to your guests until two.”
“Thank you,” Danny said, and the other man walked out, closing the double oak doors behind him. It was a stylish place with plush carpeting and tasteful art on the walls, all the colors peaceful shades of beige and sand. The area around Doris’s casket was packed with flowers. Steve had ordered the spray of roses on the casket itself, but the rest of them had to come from some of the many people gathered in the lobby.
Danny sat next to Steve and Grace next to Danny and none of them spoke for a few minutes. Danny just reached over and held Steve’s hand while they sat there.
“Do you want to have a minute to go up first?” Danny asked quietly. “We can just wait here.”
“I don’t want to go up at all,” Steve confessed in a whisper. A closed casket with some flowers on it wouldn’t have been so bad. It was nothing like confronting the reality of death in its artificial, made up and dressed up form. It didn’t surprise him that Danny put his arm around him and ran his hand back and forth across Steve’s shoulders. “Lots of flowers,” he said. He was killing time and making stupid conversation to avoid going up to the casket.
“A lot of people want to show their support for you, babe. You want to go up and look at the cards, see who they’re from?”
Steve knew what Danny was doing, easing him up toward the casket, treating him like a frightened child who needed a non-threatening way to get close to the dead person. And he loved him for it.
“Yeah, okay.” He stood and Danny and Grace went with him, starting with the flowers farthest away from the casket, reading the cards together. There were all shapes and sizes of flowers and plants from a lot of familiar names of both friends and organizations. There was a large arrangement from Rachel and Stan, which Steve thought was nice, though he wondered why Rachel sent funeral flowers when she didn’t even want Grace to miss any school to be part of the grieving process. There were flowers from all the people he expected would send something - a big arrangement from the rest of the Five-0 team, another from HPD, and a nice arrangement from Governor Denning and his staff. Kamekona’s and Flippa’s names were on another floral piece, and there were a couple from neighbors who had known John and Doris before her first “death.” He was surprised to see a small plant with a couple flowers in it from Odell, and a terrarium from Ellie Clayton. Danny stayed close, holding his hand, and Grace moved into position to take his other hand. They were on either side of him when he found himself by the side of the casket.
Holden and his team had done a nice job. Doris looked pretty and quite natural considering the circumstances. But her face was still and stiff and didn’t hold any of the animation or expression it did in life. The teal dress she wore looked nice. It was an expensive designer label, so even though she’d left it behind when she left Oahu for the last time, Steve had chosen it, figuring she liked it well enough to part with some significant money to own it.
He’d avoided the reality of what he was looking at by thinking about her clothes, who sent flowers, technically appraising the job the funeral home had done. It was his mother and she was dead. She’d never argue with him again, do another magic trick, smile at him, hug him...they’d never have any more of the mother and son moments he treasured that were so few and far between.
He knelt on the kneeler to avoid his knees giving out. Danny knelt with him and Grace stood at his side, keeping her hand on his shoulder.
“She looks really pretty, Uncle Steve,” she said. “The dress is a nice color,” she added. What a smart kid Danny had raised. She’d probably heard him talking to Danny about it, trying to figure out which of the few clothes Doris had left behind in the guest room she used would be appropriate. He reached up and covered her hand, giving it a little squeeze.
“Thanks, Gracie. I think she looks nice, too,” he managed, and then it was all too much and the emotions were coming and he couldn’t hold it in. He hated how awkward and choking and ugly the crying sounded and he muffled it against Danny’s neck, holding onto him like a life line. He tried to focus on how good it felt to hold Danny and know he could do that for the rest of his life, that Danny would always be by his side, that he was going to be his life partner. Grace was hugging him, too, the two of them reminding him that as much as it felt like the last of his family was gone, he wasn't alone, and he had a new family.
"Take your time, babe. It's okay," Danny said soothingly.
"I guess I always thought she'd come back...even if it was just to leave again," he added, smiling, letting Danny wipe his face with a few tissues. Danny covered his nose.
"Blow like a good boy."
Steve laughed out loud at that, both at the notion of Danny holding his tissues and the double entendre that was so inappropriate for the moment and probably the only thing that could have made him laugh.
"I got this," he said, taking over the job of blowing his own nose.
"You okay?" Danny asked.
"Yeah, getting there," Steve replied.
"We love you, Uncle Steve," Grace said, hugging him.
"I love you guys, too, Gracie." When she let go, Steve stood, feeling more solid on his own two feet, and better able to confront Doris, her death, and the crowd of well-meaning people gathered in the lobby.
"Just remember it's your mom, Steve – nobody expects you to not feel anything, okay?" Danny said, watching him with concern. It was so different from his father's pep talk about being strong for Mary and setting his own example of stoicism Steve was expected to follow.
“Hey, I’ve got my family,” he said, putting his arm around Danny and taking Grace’s hand. “I can handle pretty much anything.”
********
Steve was moved by the turnout, surprised that so many people had actually shown up there to express their condolences and offer moral support. His mother’s first visitation and funeral were well-attended, but he mostly remembered finding a seat as close to the closed casket as he could and just sitting there. Foolishly, he’d felt closer to his mother that way, thinking she was actually in the casket. He’d eyed it more than once, not out of morose curiosity, but out of the need for some kind of closure, to see her for himself. That opportunity, of course, never came because she was allegedly not viewable due to the explosion. He almost felt sadder at that memory of his younger self, remembering spending a good part of the day with Mary sitting next to him sniffling and leaning into him, than he did now.
He knew Danny had to be tired and in pain by now. They’d been there about four hours, and in that time, Danny had worked the room like any good spouse would, making the people who weren’t that close to Steve feel like their presence was equally important, taking the pressure off him when his composure was still pretty fragile if he were being honest with himself. He was about to corral Danny and make him take a pain pill and sit down for a while when Joe approached him.
“She looks nice, Steve. They did a good job,” he said. They did a good job spackling that hole in the middle of her forehead. Was that supposed to make him feel better?
“Yeah, they did,” he said, not knowing exactly what the expected response was to a comment like that.
“How are you holding up?”
Not well, and according to Danny, that’s okay. He located Danny again in the crowded room and this time, Danny spotted him looking and once Danny saw Steve didn’t look distressed or like he needed something, a beautiful smile lit up Danny’s face and it was obvious he’d totally forgotten whoever it was he was talking to and had eyes only for Steve. Steve smiled back, ducking his head a little.
“Okay, it seems,” Joe said, and Steve was reminded where he was and who he was with.
“Danny and Grace are giving me a lot of moral support.”
“Did you mention anything to him about the Reyes situation possibly being connected to your mother’s death?”
“No, I didn’t have to. He figured that out on his own. What is your point exactly?”
“It doesn’t seem to bother you that your mother might have paid for his freedom with her life.”
“It obviously is bothering you. What do you want me to do about it? End my relationship with Danny? I can’t bring her back and if she died because of her involvement in getting Danny back, it’s probably because we destroyed the drugs and nobody got a payday out of it.” Steve paused. “I don’t understand this. You contacted Doris for the intel yourself. You were the go-between. Why would you do that if you were going to obviously regret it later?”
“Because I didn’t realize her security was being compromised over it. Believe it or not, there are some things even my security clearance doesn’t cover.”
“Danny was being tortured in that place. He would have died there, and probably within a couple days, if that long. I can’t regret rescuing him from that. He’s not a spy and he hasn’t given up his life and his role as a father to be one.”
“He signed his rights away and voluntarily went to that place. You know I was on your side about trying to stop it in the first place. I just find it a little hard to feel like this is a good thing,” Joe said, gesturing toward the casket.
“So we should have given him up for dead and let him suffer and die like an animal there? He was protecting Grace and me when he did that. He threw himself to the wolves so they wouldn’t come after me, and they wouldn’t make Grace live through a grisly trial with a lot of awful details. He took the consequences so we didn’t have to. You make it sound like he just signed off his rights because he wanted a free trip to Colombia. I don’t understand why you even helped me if that’s how you felt.”
“I knew how much it meant to you and you’re the closest thing to a son I’ve ever had. I made your father a promise to look after you, and I’ve never broken that promise. Apparently I didn’t realize exactly what Danny meant to you. You two are a couple now?” he asked.
“We haven’t announced anything publicly, but yeah, we are.” Steve was getting annoyed now, and he couldn’t resist adding the next statement. “I asked Danny to marry me and he said yes, so we’ll be making it official in the future. If you’d known that, would that have made a difference in whether you helped us or not?”
“Congratulations,” he said, his tone neutral. Danny approached them, touching Steve’s back gently.
“Everything okay?”
“I should be going. There are a lot of people here who’d like to express their condolences and I'm monopolizing your time," he said with a little smile. "Danny, glad to see you’re up and around again.”
“Thanks, it’s good to be up and around again, though I wish it was for a happier reason.”
“Don’t we all,” he concluded, casting a glance at Doris. “I’m going to pay my final respects. Excuse me.” He walked away from them and approached the side of the casket.
“How’re you holding up, babe?”
Steve smiled at Danny and touched his shoulder. It was such a heartfelt and kind question when it came from him.
“I’m okay, but you need to sit down. I brought your pain meds.”
“It’s not gonna look too good if I fall asleep on the couch over there,” Danny replied, smiling. “I’ll be okay. It’s not much longer. You look tired,” he said
“I think I lost count of how many people I’ve talked to. It’s nice they all came...”
“Just a lot to deal with. Funerals are hard work for the family,” Danny said, guiding Steve out of the room to a quiet lounge across the hall with a couch and a couple chairs. “I’ll take a pain pill if you sit with me here where it’s quiet for a few minutes.”
“You should go into hostage negotiations.” Steve sat on the couch and leaned back, the dim lighting and quiet of the small room soothing his nerves. Nothing soothed his nerves like Danny’s warmth next to him.
“I’d rather be the guy who goes in with guns blazing. All that talk and no action? Not for me.”
“I thought you liked psyching out perps.”
“I do, but not for a career. Now give me some drugs.”
“You need water?”
“Water is for sissies,” he joked, taking the pill and swallowing it. “Joe thinks I caused Doris’s death, doesn’t he?”
“Who gives a fuck what he thinks?”
“You do.”
“He was close to my dad...I mean, yeah, I care, but he’s being an asshole.”
“He cared about your parents. He was close to your dad and he seems like he was pretty close to Doris, too. If our relationship had gone a different way and you had a wife...I’d have always cared about your family.”
“I know, because you’re the best thing that ever happened to me and I’m really fucking lucky to have you, in case I never told you that,” Steve said, taking Danny’s hand and holding it tightly in his. “I could have just as easily been here without you, if things went differently.”
“Well, you’re not, so quit thinking about that, okay?” He kissed Steve’s hand and kept a firm hold on it. “We’ll get through this and go home and you’re gonna play me something else nice on your guitar and we’ll forget about everything for a couple hours. Maybe order a pizza. You and me and Gracie.”
“Sounds really good. Where is she?”
“Rachel and Stan are here somewhere. She’s talking with them.”
“Really? I should go say something to them, thank them for coming.”
“They’ll be here a while. They just arrived a few minutes ago. I think Rachel’s talking with Kono and Adam about the wedding. Theirs, not ours,” he clarified, and that made Steve smile. “Just put your head back and close your eyes a few minutes. Your face is starting to pinch up like you’ve got a headache.”
“You know me too well, Danno,” Steve said, resting his head on the back of the couch and closing his eyes.
“And I love you anyway,” he joked, making Steve laugh.
********
Danny unbuttoned his shirt and took it off, glad to be getting out of the suit and tie he'd been in most of the day. Tomorrow would be another long one, with the funeral in the morning and a reception back at Steve's place that Kamekona had offered to cater for free. He undid his belt and got out of his pants, hanging them up with the suit coat. He took another pain pill and then threw down his blood pressure pill, hoping they didn't do anything to each other thrown in together. Steve was still in the living room, talking on the phone with Aunt Deb. Grace was in bed. Danny was tired but he dreaded the night. He had yet to make it all the way through without having to make a return trip to that hell hole. Without having to relive the rape again.
Steve came into the bedroom and laid his phone on the dresser. He was dressed in his t-shirt and his dress pants, having taken off his good shirt when they ordered the pizza. That thought made Danny smile. When it came to eating, Steve was all business, and he didn't want a little thing like being tidy to slow him down.
"That's kind of an evil grin there, Danno," Steve said, walking up behind him so their reflection was in the dresser mirror. He slid his arms around Danny, hooking his chin on Danny's shoulder.
"Really? I was just thinking about you."
"That's promising," Steve said, nuzzling Danny's neck, kissing him there.
"Steve, I can't...my side...and..."
"Hey, I don't need to do that until you feel better and you want to do it, too."
"I want to. I just can't."
"I love you. I just want to be close to you, just want you to know how I feel about you and I'm not always that great with words." Steve kissed Danny's neck, then kissed a trail to his shoulder.
"You do just fine, babe. I'm sorry I'm so messed up."
"Not your fault somebody beat the shit out of you." Steve kissed the bruise on Danny's upper back, the one that was in the shape of a boot print. Danny knew that one bothered Steve a lot. The soft touch of his lips on the bruised area felt better than all the bruise ointment on earth. "I just want to...make it go away. I don't mean so we can have sex. Danny, I can wait forever for that if that's what it takes. I just want to make the pain stop for you."
"You do," Danny said, finding it hard to push the words out.
"Love you so much, Danno," Steve whispered, kissing his neck, his shoulder, easing his undershirt up, gently removing it so Danny barely had to disturb his healing ribs to take it off. He kissed his way across the back of Danny's shoulders, lingering on the bruises. His lips traveled lower, spending time on each angry, discolored area that still caused Danny pain until he urged Danny to turn a bit and ended up kneeling in front of him, kissing the horrible mosaic of changing colors around his ribs.
Danny caressed Steve’s hair, his eyes filling at the tenderness of the attentions Steve was giving his injuries. And hating himself because he couldn’t respond. Even with all this love and attention, even if he knew his ribs wouldn’t take the excitement of getting really aroused and coming, his body didn’t even offer a glimmer of interest. Then Steve stood and took Danny’s face in his hands and kissed him, long and deep, arms going gently and carefully around him. He kissed Danny’s cheek and his chin and his neck and held him close, a hand going to the back of his head, sliding into his hair. Steve held onto him for a long time, and that was okay with Danny. The only time he really felt calm lately was tucked safely in Steve’s arms. Facing another night and another return trip to the jail to relive the rape again, he was in no hurry to move. He wasn’t sure if Steve needed the prolonged embrace or if he read Danny’s mind. He gave up analyzing it and closed his eyes and soaked it up, figuring one or both of them needed it, and they had each other and seemed relatively safe to rely on that for the time being, so why fight it?
Still, something nagged at Danny and he found himself voicing it without really planning to.
“Are you sure you want to commit to marrying a mess like me?” he mumbled against Steve’s shoulder.
“Positive. You’re the only one who’d put up with me for a lifetime,” Steve joked, pulling back and smiling at Danny.
“There could be truth in that,” Danny agreed, snorting.
“And you know some good Italian recipes.”
“That I do.”
Steve kissed him again and pressed his forehead to Danny’s, as if he couldn’t quite look at him to say the next words.
“There’s this dark, empty, cold place inside me when you’re not here... And then I’m with you and it’s gone. That’s how I want to feel for the rest of my life, Danny. Just be here and marry me and live with me always. I don’t need anything else.”
“You know I will, babe. Noplace else I want to be.”
“I’ll get the stuff for your bruises. If you want the TV on, that’s okay.”
“It won’t bother you?”
“Does it help you sleep? Help the nightmares?”
“A little.”
“Then turn it on.” He kissed Danny’s forehead before going into the bathroom to get the supplies. Danny sat on the bed and waited until Steve came and sat next to him. He turned a little so Steve could easily reach his back, and they started what had become their nightly ritual. The bruise remedy Steve had been using on him did help, even if it hurt a bit going on. Danny would have told Steve it helped, even if it didn’t, because it seemed to mean so much to him to do something real and proactive to ease Danny’s pain. After going through something so brutal, being treated with so much love and tenderness was healing Danny more than anything else.
They usually didn’t say much to each other during the ointment part of the process. Danny still found it painful and humiliating but he had to admit it did ease the pain and he actually was feeling better, as if things were healing. Steve went about the job with the kind of intensity and precision worthy of a brain surgeon. Danny found himself smiling at that, wondering if Steve could resist suggesting that’s where Danny’s brains actually were if he shared that observation. The Q-tip no longer felt like a hot poker of agony, so he knew things were on the mend.
Steve went back into the bathroom to put his supplies away and wash his hands, the little routine giving Danny a few seconds to himself to get situated for sleep. When Steve came out of the bathroom, Danny decided to ignore the awkwardness of mentioning it and let Steve know what he was doing was worthwhile.
“I think things are healing...there. I feel better.”
“That’s great,” Steve said, smiling like he’d just won a million dollars instead of finding out Danny’s asshole hurt less. Danny wasn’t sure he’d ever been the object of that much love.
“You know anymore songs?” Danny asked.
“A few.”
“Which one were you gonna do for the talent show?”
“Dust in the Wind. Pretty corny, huh?”
“It’s a classic. Besides, back then, it wasn’t as old as it is now,” Danny said, smiling. Steve smiled back at him.
“I s’pose not.”
“Can you play me something? It doesn’t have to be that one if you don’t want to play it. Anything’s okay.”
“You don’t care?”
“I just want to hear you play again. It’s not that I don’t care. It just doesn’t matter to me which song it is.”
“Okay.” Steve got the guitar and sat cross-legged on the bed with it. Danny turned off the TV. He didn’t recognize the soft melody Steve was playing, but it was beautiful and a little sad and it was all he could do not to fall asleep. He wanted to hear all of it, but it relaxed him like a lullaby. Steve smiled when he saw Danny fighting his droopy eyes. “Don’t fight it, Danno. The pain pill is kicking in,” he said, still playing, then tapering off into silence.
“That was really nice. What is it?”
“It doesn’t have a name.”
“You don’t remember where you learned it?”
“I mean...I never named it. I, uh, it’s mine. It was my first try at writing music, and I quit not too long after I wrote it. Then I went to the Army Navy Academy and they didn’t exactly have a program for aspiring songwriters there.”
“You made that up? It was beautiful.”
“Thanks,” Steve said, smiling, looking endearingly shy about the whole thing. “I wasn’t much good at lyrics, so I never tried to write those.”
“Not everything needs words. It’s not like you sing along with Mozart.”
“I guess not,” Steve replied, laughing. “I’m no Mozart.”
“Sounded really good to me.”
“You’re my number one fan,” he said, and Danny laughed.
“I’m your only fan until you start playing for other people. Then I’ll have to move over and share you with your admirers.”
“I don’t think the groupies will beat down my door.”
“If they do, I’ll shoot ‘em. I’m the jealous type.”
“You’ve got nothing to be jealous of, Danno.” Steve set the guitar by the bed and got under the covers, patiently working with Danny until they were cuddled up in a way that didn’t hurt Danny’s ribs. “Maybe I’ll work on it a little more and see if I think of a good name for it.”
“You should. Just don’t change it much. It’s really pretty like it is.”
“I love you,” Steve said, kissing Danny goodnight.
“Love you, too, babe. I always wanted to sleep with a musician.” The last thing Danny remembered hearing as he dozed off was Steve’s laughter.
********
Danny was surprised to see Melissa walking into the vestibule of the church as he stood with Steve and Grace near the casket, which was open for the final visitation before the funeral.
“I’ll be right back,” he said to Steve, who nodded just before Kono and Adam walked in and joined them.
“Why didn’t you call me?” she asked before he had a chance to greet her. “Steve must think I don’t even care that his mother died.”
“It wasn’t publicized anywhere, Am...I’m sorry. Melissa. Old habits die hard.”
“There are a ton of people here, Danny. Someone got notified.”
“I just told our team, and word spread from there...”
“What happened to your face? And you’re walking like you’re in pain. Danny, what’s going on?”
“This isn’t the time or the place to get into this.”
“Get into it? You don’t call me about this and obviously something’s going on with you.”
“I got roughed up on a case. I’ve got a few broken ribs and...and I’m gonna be okay. Look, I know we need to talk. There’s a reception at Steve’s after the funeral. We’ll talk then.”
“Fine. I know I wasn’t honest with you about my past, but I thought we were over that, and I feel like you’re shutting me out of your life. If you’re angry about that, I understand, but just tell me.”
“Not now. We’ll talk at Steve’s. I’m sure we can get some privacy there.”
“Okay. Are you sure you’re all right?” she asked.
“I’m sure,” he said, forcing a little smile.
“I should go offer Steve my condolences,” she said, and Danny nodded, walking with her back to where Steve was standing.
“Steve, I’m so sorry about your mom,” she said, hugging him.
“Thanks for coming,” he said, smiling at her.
“Was it sudden? She looks so young,” she said.
“Very sudden,” Steve said, and she paused, as if she knew she’d asked an awkward question.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.”
“You didn’t. It was nice that you came,” he added, touching her arm.
“I should go inside. If there’s anything I can do...”
“Thank you, Melissa.”
“I’ll see you later,” she said to Danny.
“Yeah, definitely,” he said, smiling, hoping he didn’t look too uneasy. Just then, Mr. Holden approached Steve.
“It’s almost eleven. We’re going to encourage everyone to move inside the church. Let John know when you’re ready,” he said, gesturing toward his son who was standing a few yards away, waiting to close the casket.
“Thank you,” Steve said solemnly. Kono gave Steve a quick hug before she and Adam headed inside the church.
"This part is always the hardest," Danny said as he stood next to Steve while Steve took his last look at Doris in the vestibule of the church before they closed the casket for the final time.
"I guess this is for real," Steve said, reaching toward Doris and then pulling his hand back. "I don't want to remember her cold and stiff."
"Touch her sleeve," Danny said. Steve looked at him, frowning. His eyes were moist and he looked tired and grief-stricken, but in that moment, Danny knew he had managed to distract him a bit. Ease the horror of the moment just a little.
"That's not really touching her," he countered.
"Sure it is. Look, I come from a big family and I've survived having to 'say goodbye' to a lot of uh, dead relatives over the years. When I was little, I didn't like touching their hands so I'd touch their arms...mostly their sleeves. Fortunately my parents didn't make me kiss them goodbye, so the sleeve thing got me through quite a few funerals."
Steve reached toward Doris again and settled his hand on her wrist, over the sleeve of her dress.
"Mom." That one word was so forlorn and so broken that it broke Danny's heart. "You're right, this is hard," Steve said, wiping at his eyes.
"I'm right here, babe," Danny said, touching Steve's back.
"How do I just let this go, Danny? I want to walk away from it but I don't know how."
"You don't have to decide that now, Steve. Grieve for your mom and when things are clearer, make your decision. I'm with you no matter what, okay?"
"I know," Steve said, nodding. "Soon there's gonna be nobody left. Aunt Deb is getting sicker, Mary and Joanie live on the mainland now...Mom and Dad are gone...I miss 'em, y'know?" he said, stealing a quick look at Danny.
"I know, babe. Gracie and I are gonna be with you. We're not gonna let you be alone. But that doesn’t bring your folks back or replace the people you lost."
"It's just hard," he said.
"Take your time. It's okay," Danny said, running his hand back and forth on Steve's back.
"Mom," he said again, and this time tears came and he leaned over and kissed her cheek. When he stood up, Danny could see some of the McGarrett stoicism sweeping over him. "Let's go inside," he said, referring to the church. He pulled out a handkerchief and wiped his eyes.
“That’s not the same one we blew our noses in the other day, is it?” Danny asked. He was happy to see that, at one of the most awful moments of his life, Steve actually laughed.
“It’s a fresh one,” he said, wiping at his nose with it, still smiling. “What the...” Steve was looking past Danny, fixated on something. Danny turned around and saw Catherine walking toward them, dressed in a plain black sleeveless dress and heels.
“Did you know she was back?”
“No, I haven’t talked to her in months.” Steve’s expression was hard to read; Danny wasn’t sure if he was really glad to see Catherine, or if it was as awkward for him seeing her as it had been for Danny to see Melissa. “Catherine...I didn’t know you were in town,” he said, accepting her hug. Danny moved away a bit, prepared to relinquish his spot next to Steve if that’s what he wanted. The bottom dropped out of his stomach and his heart felt like it was being squeezed by an iron hand. What if Steve wanted her back? What if marrying Danny was the fallback plan?
“I’m so sorry, Steve. Kono called me and told me about Doris. I couldn’t get here until now.”
“You came here from Afghanistan for the funeral?” he asked.
Gonna be hard to top that gesture, Danny thought, running his hand over his face.
“Actually, I wasn’t in Afghanistan. I was in DC.”
“DC? Why?”
“I was offered a position with Homeland Security. I’m not sure yet if I’m taking it, but I was in meetings with them yesterday.”
“Good to see you again,” Danny lied, smiling, hugging her. He knew Steve cared for her, and that was what mattered. He had a hard time forgiving her for not only getting Steve into the mess in Afghanistan, but hurting him the way she had by dumping him and staying over there.
“We’re having a reception at the house after the funeral,” Steve said.
“Of course, I’ll be there.”
“We should go in,” he said, gesturing toward the interior of the church.
“I would have been here sooner but my flight was delayed,” she said, linking her arm through his. “I’m sorry again I’m running so late.”
“You got here, that’s the important thing,” Steve said, shooting a nervous look at Danny. He wasn’t sure how he was expected to react to any of it, but he did know that making Steve suffer more on a day like this wasn’t what he wanted. So he gave him a little smile and nod, so he’d know Danny was okay with Catherine’s presence, even if it was a lie. They walked into the church and up to the front pew. Steve let Catherine in first, where she sat next to Grace, and then filed in himself with Danny next to him. Grace was waiting for them there, and the first few pews were filled with Steve’s ohana: Chin, Kono, Adam, Joe, Grover, Max, Kamekona, Flippa, Duke, and other familiar faces. Melissa was sitting on the end of one those long pews, next to Kono.
“I didn’t know she’d be here,” Steve whispered to Danny.
“I didn’t know about Amber either.”
“Melissa.”
“Whatever,” Danny whispered back.
“I’ll tell her when we get back to the house for the reception.”
“I’m gonna tell Am - Melissa, too, but you don’t have to do that today, babe. It’s a rough enough day without that.”
“You’re my partner, Danny.” Steve took Danny’s hand and held onto it. “Nothing’s changed.”
“Same here. I love you, Steven,” Danny whispered back. “Handle this however you have to. It’s okay.”
“You’re amazing.”
“Glad you’re finally realizing that,” Danny said, squeezing Steve’s hand. He was glad Steve smiled faintly at that. And then he just briefly touched his forehead against Danny’s temple, and in that moment, Danny felt his position in Steve’s life secured.
If Catherine found their exchanged whispers and hand-squeezing odd, she kept her expression neutral, though she did flick her eyes in that direction more than once. Danny tried to think of her showing up there as something kind and meaningful to support Steve rather than a grand entrance that should have been saved for another occasion. This was Doris’s day, not hers, and the way their friends were buzzing and distracted from that by Catherine’s surprise arrival somewhat validated his feelings.
********
Steve sat through his mother’s funeral with the same stoicism he’d tapped into the first time. He couldn’t really look at Danny because the caring way Danny would look back at him or squeeze his hand would shatter what little control he had left. He made it through everything until the sermon, because he had no idea how the priest knew that his mother did magic tricks or that she made fried bologna sandwiches, that for safety reasons, she was forced to be apart from her family for years and only recently reunited with them. That her family should try to focus on the happy memories and knowing that she loved them instead of the time she wasn’t able to be with them.
Steve wanted to escape, to go somewhere he could feel comfortable losing it, because he was so fucking humiliated to break down there, to put his face against Danny’s chest and try to muffle the sound while Danny did his best to shelter him from prying eyes with his arms. He pulled it back in fairly quickly, Danny somehow doing a sort of sleight of hand maneuver with a tissue to wipe at his eyes and his nose while Steve’s face was still hidden that would have made Doris envious, even with her magic skills. Catherine, who had been holding the hand Danny didn’t have in his, now kept her folded hands in her lap, as if she wasn’t going to offer her support now that he’d had his meltdown in Danny’s arms, not hers. Even if they weren’t together as a couple, Steve knew deep in his heart that he’d have sought the familiar warmth of Danny’s arms around him and his love and support when he felt so broken.
The funeral procession was long, and while Steve appreciated the show of support, a part of him wished it all away. He just wanted to be somewhere private with Danny, with Grace, too, when he felt a little better able to hold it together. They needed that weekend away, and he resolved to make that happen. He looked at Danny standing beside him, Grace next to Danny, and thought maybe he could let go of this. Maybe he could bury the past with Doris and not risk his future on another crusade for justice.
When they got back to the house, Danny steered Steve upstairs as the guests gathered out on the lawn and Kamekona set up his equipment to start grilling.
"I have to be out there, Danny."
"It'll take the big guy a while to grill the food, and as long as there's beer and lemonade flowing, they'll be okay for a while. I'm worried about you, babe. You look exhausted."
"I feel like shit." He sat on the foot of the bed. "You shouldn't be going up and down steps."
"I think things are healing up okay there and I'll take it slow."
"I'm sorry about...in the church. I didn't mean to do that."
"It was your mother's funeral, Steve. You're entitled." Danny sat next to him. "Honestly? It gives me the willies just thinking about my mom...losing her."
"I don't understand how the priest knew those things about her."
"That was me."
"You? How?"
"I called him. There's nothing worse at a funeral than a generic sermon they get out of a book of funeral sermons."
"I didn't even think about that."
"You've had a few things on your mind lately. Like me and all my...stuff."
"That's not your fault, either."
"Maybe we just have to figure we're messed up right now, and it'll get better."
"I guess." Steve rested his elbows on his knees and rubbed his face with his hands.
"You should lie down."
"I can't do that. Not til after everybody goes home."
"You don't have to talk to Catherine about us right now if you're not up to it."
"She needs to know where things stand. Are you gonna talk to Melissa?"
"Yeah. I should have done it before now." Danny looked at Steve, and reached over and stroked his hair. "Are you okay, babe?"
"I will be. Maybe we can take Gracie on that little trip we were talking about this weekend. Just someplace quiet."
"Sounds good. So what did Joe tell you about what happened to your mom?” Steve looked at him, a bit surprised, though he shouldn’t have been. It’s not like they hadn’t been reading each other’s minds for a few years now.
“A bunch of fragments. I know he’s not telling me everything. You know, it would have been damn helpful if he’d told me my mother was the source of that intel in the first place. I might have done things differently.”
“Like what?”
“Destroying their coke was a surefire way to piss them off, even if we did have the ammunition we needed to blackmail you out of trouble.”
“So the idea was to trade the coke for me?”
“More or less. To get them to drop the charges. But we found enough incriminating evidence there to blackmail more than just Alexander, so it seemed like keeping all that coke off the streets and striking that kind of blow to their operation was a great idea.”
“It was.”
“Yeah, but we still came out the winners, and that didn’t set well with what’s left of Reyes’ operation and a few crooked agents in the CIA. And now my mom’s dead.”
“Steve, I’m sorry. I hate that I caused this for you.”
“You didn’t. I made the choice to handle the situation that way. If I’d known I was putting my mother at risk, I probably would have just handed over the dope. Of course, once they had it--”
“There’s no guarantee they would have left me alone.”
“Exactly. This is insurance. If anything happens to you or me, I have arrangements for that evidence to make it to the right place, and they know it. Once they had the drugs back, I wouldn’t have had any leverage. It’s just not in my nature to let things go, Danny.”
“I know.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“That’s the hardest thing for you, isn’t it, babe?” Danny said gently, taking Steve’s hand. “You’re a decision-maker, a leader. You’re good at it. You look at a situation and map out how to handle it. You weigh the pros and cons but you don’t get bogged down with them. You don’t waffle. Waffling hurts you and is counter to everything in you.”
“Sometimes you know too much,” Steve said, and Danny laughed, lacing their fingers together.
“The rest of us mere mortals waffle sometimes, Steven. It’s hard and it’s stressful and it’s frustrating, but it’s part of being human. You’re mad at yourself for not having this all decided and being on a plane to London.”
“Yeah, that about covers it.”
“What’s stopping you?”
“You know what’s stopping me. Joe thinks I’ll be putting you and Grace in danger.”
“If you keep on poking a hornet’s nest, eventually you get stung. You had to poke it to save my life and I let you get involved with the whole mess with trying to get Matty back...I have to live with that, and I don’t feel good about it. I should have kept my mouth shut and dealt with it. It was my fight.”
“Danny, that’s bullshit. Reyes would have killed you and how would you have orchestrated the trip there and back, and all the other details I could help you with? You think I would have let you go alone?”
“You would have if you didn’t know about it.”
“You know that for better or for worse thing doesn’t just apply to marriages. Even before anything changed with us, being partners, best friends...it’s about sharing the good and the bad things. You don’t just let somebody you love sink without throwing them a life line. There’s nothing about my involvement in this situation that I regret because if I wasn’t involved at all, and you were alone in this mess, you’d probably be dead now. Grace would be without her dad and I’d be without you. And that’s a completely unacceptable outcome.”
“It is, huh?” Danny asked, kissing the back of Steve’s hand.
“You’re indispensable around here, Danno. Besides, nobody besides you ever kissed my hand before.”
“Never?”
“I think I’d remember it.”
“When my ribs heal up, I want to crawl all over you and kiss every inch of you.”
“It’s a date,” Steve replied, and Danny smiled.
“Why don’t you talk to Joe again? He’s probably outside with everybody else. Maybe you can pin him down about the situation with your mom, get more answers out of him, find out if the Interpol investigation is going to really go after suspects and make them pay. If so, even though I realize you’d rather be in on it first hand, maybe having an investigation at that level is enough, and it will bring someone to justice.”
“Possibly. I’ll talk to Joe again but I doubt he’ll tell me anything.”
“Am I interrupting?” Catherine asked, tapping on the door frame.
“I’m going downstairs to see if Kamekona has what he needs,” Danny said, releasing Steve’s hand and standing with some difficulty.
“Go slow on the steps and then sit in a lawn chair for a while.”
“Yes, Commander,” Danny teased, winking at Steve as he passed Catherine.
“What happened to him?” she asked, sitting on the bed next to Steve.
“It’s a long story. The short version is he ended up in a Colombian jail where they beat the hell out of him until they broke his ribs on one side.”
“Oh, my God. Why?”
“It all has to do with his brother’s death. Matt had some very bad people angry with him.”
“Is he all right?”
“He will be. Danny’s strong. Probably the strongest person I know. If he hadn’t been protecting me and Grace, he could have fought the extradition, gotten a lawyer. But he took it all on himself instead.”
“He loves you, Steve. That’s pretty obvious. More obvious than it was before I left, but even then, competing with Danny was always a challenge.”
“Competing with him? Is that what you were doing?”
“Oh, come on, Steve. Don’t tell me that Danny wasn’t in that game to win it.”
“He was always supportive of our relationship. He cared about you. I’m sure he still does.”
“If we’re being realistic, throughout our relationship, if Danny so much as crooked his little finger at you, you’d follow him anywhere. It’s apparent now he’s crooking more than his little finger at you, and you’re following. I just thought I’d save you the awkwardness of telling me you’re sleeping with him now.”
“It’s more than that, Cath.” Steve took in a deep breath. “I asked him to marry me, and he said yes. We’re not officially living together but I’ve been with him since he got back from Colombia, and I’m gonna talk to him about moving in here, with Grace, permanently.”
“Wow.” She shook her head. “He really did have the magic touch with you, didn’t he? It wasn’t until I was saying goodbye that you even told me you loved me.”
“I said it before that.”
“No, Steve, you didn’t.”
“We were thinking about marriage, Cath. I mean, you had to have a pretty good idea.”
She smiled humorlessly, shaking her head. “It’s kind of nice to hear the words, Steve. And when exactly was it we thought about marriage?”
“You were staying here, I wasn’t seeing anybody else, you got to know my mother... I’m not sure what you thought that meant.”
“That I was convenient. Comfortable, like one of your cut-off t-shirts. It doesn’t really matter now. You’re with Danny, so this is all kind of pointless. I’m sorry about Doris. I really liked her. She was quite a woman. I would have loved to have her for a mother-in-law.”
“She thought a lot of you, Cath. I know you two would have been good friends, regardless of whether you and I ended up together or not.”
“If we had, it wouldn’t have lasted. You’ve been in love with Danny a long time, even if you didn’t realize it, and that was bound to explode at some point. I’m glad I came here. To be honest, I was thinking of turning down the DOD job to come back here, but that would have been a huge mistake.”
“You were always an asset to Five-0.”
“That’s not quite what I had in mind. You, me, and Danny all working together and Danny being the one going home with you at the end of the day. I wish you well, I really do, Steve. I wish we could have found that happiness together, but if not, I’m glad you found it with someone. It’s time for me to move on. I want to be with someone who feels about me the way you two have always felt about each other.”
“I didn’t have anything going with Danny while we were together.”
“I know. But you two always wanted each other and I just didn’t let myself see that because I wanted us to work.”
“Thanks for coming here, making the trip. I know Doris would have appreciated it.”
“I’m sorry for your loss, Steve. I know it meant a lot to you to reconnect with your mom.”
“I just wish we’d had more time...” He let the thought trail off, shrugging. Catherine stood up and moved toward the door.
“I’m going to say hello to some old friends here, and then I’ll head back to my hotel. I have an early flight in the morning.”
Steve didn’t say anything else. He just sat there and watched her leave. It wasn’t that he regretted not being with her, but it was another major exit in his life that just seemed kind of hard to take when he felt so raw inside anyway.