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The phone rings four times before it clicks on call.
“I think I’m in love with Buck,” Eddie says without waiting for Hen to greet him. He takes two sharp breaths and continues. “Actually, no,” he says shakily, “No, I know I am.” Another sharp breath. “I’m in love with Buck.”
Hen is silent on the other end for a beat. She yells for Karen, her voice tinny and distant. “Well, ‘hello’ to you too, Eddie,” she says clearly into his ear.
Before Eddie can respond he hears Karen’s calm, quiet voice. “What’s up? Is everything okay?”
“Eddie’s in love with Buck,” Hen says simply. Her voice is far away again.
“Denny!” Eddie can’t hear Denny’s response, but there is a pause before Karen continues. “Go ahead and press play without us, honey. We’ve got some important stuff to deal with.”
There’s another moment’s wait before anyone speaks again. “Okay, Eddie, you’re on speaker. Karen’s with me now.”
Eddie tries to keep his breathing even, but it comes out in shallow bursts as he wracks his brain, trying to figure out where to begin.
“I’ve known it for a while, I think,” he says finally.
“Mm-hm,” Hen says patiently when Eddie doesn’t continue.
“A-and I’ve been pretending I didn’t—know it. I guess. There was really no pretending I wasn’t.” He hesitates. “Y’know, in love with him.” He chews his bottom lip. “And I-I don’t know when it happened, but I guess I gave up pretending at some point and just accepted that it was a reality.
“And I’ve just spent so long watching him try to make it work with Taylor when she just wasn’t going to be what he needed, and I knew that’s what he wanted to do, and I just wanted him to be happy, so I supported him through it all. A-and now they’ve broken up and I’m proud of him. I’m so fucking proud of him for taking care of himself like that.
“He deserves the world and I want him to have that. He’s just such…” Eddie trails off, staring wistfully at the rug like it has Buck’s face sewn into its pattern. “He’s just such a beautiful person.”
Eddie ceases rambling if only to refill his burning lungs.
Hen takes advantage of the silence. She chuckles softly. “He really is, isn’t he?” she says. Her voice is soothing, comforting, perhaps motherly. Eddie appreciates her dearly.
Eddie nods, realizes Hen can’t see him. “Yeah, he is,” he says softly.
“I know you care about him, Eddie,” she says cautiously. “And I can’t exactly say I didn’t already know that you thought of him as more than your best friend.” In turn, Eddie isn’t surprised to hear this. “But either way, I’m glad you trust me—us—enough to share it yourself.”
Hen pauses. Karen speaks. “Eddie, what’s got you freaking out about this tonight?” Eddie snorts, grateful for Karen’s ability to drag him back to Earth with simple bluntness. “Buck and Taylor broke up a while ago.”
“Four months, one week, and three days,” Eddie says immediately. He drops his head into his hand, mumbles, “Not that I’m counting.”
Karen laughs. “Eddie, why are you counting ?”
“I don’t know,” he grumbles, running his hand down his face so his lip drags on it. He heaves a sigh and sits back on the couch. “Didn’t even realize I was doing it for a while, but once I did notice it it became a conscious habit.” He blinks at the ceiling. “Keeps me distracted I guess.”
There’s a small silence before Hen says softly, “From thinking about how you’re in love with him?”
Eddie hesitates. “From telling him I am,” he corrects, feeling the truth of it rush over him. Before Hen or Karen can say anything he adds, “I think I’m afraid of losing him if I do. That maybe if I tell him that I love him, and that I mean I’m in love with him, that he’ll…get scared off?” He rubs a hand over his forehead, pinches the bridge of his nose. “I’m not sure. I just…” He lets his hand fall to his side on the couch, but he keeps his eyes closed. “Don’t know what I’d do without him.”
Hen hums. “I understand.” She goes quiet, then, “Do you want to tell him how you feel?”
Eddie opens his eyes, searches desperately for an answer hidden on the ceiling. Frightened though he is to admit it, he knows it’s the truth. “Yes,” he says softly.
“So tell him,” Hen says. “Buck loves you, and whether or not he loves you in the same way you love him—” Eddie’s heart cracks at the thought. “I know he cares too much about you to abandon you for loving him the way you do. It’s not much for advice, but have hope in that, Eddie.” Hen sighs. “Sometimes hope’s all that keeps me going.”
Eddie ponders this. “I hope you’re right,” he says softly.
“I hope so too,” Hen says.
It’s quiet. Eddie’s eyelids grow heavy in the dark. He’s weary.
Karen breaks the silence. “So why did this freak out happen again?”
Eddie laughs heartily. “Yeah, I guess I never did answer that did I.”
“No, you did not,” Karen says. “And I have been waiting quite patiently for that answer might I add.”
“I’m proud of you,” Hen says teasingly.
“Thank you.”
Eddie smiles, then frowns. “Buck is on a date,” he says only a little bitterly.
“Oh,” Hen says.
“Yeah.” Eddie bites his lip in thought. “I don’t remember her name. We ran into her at the grocery store the other day. She recognized him from an emergency a while back for her brother. Asked him to get drinks.” Eddie sighs deeply, an agonized grumble tucked away in his chest. “And he said yes.”
“I’m sorry, Eddie,” Hen says.
“If it’s any consolation,” Karen adds, “ I hope their date goes horribly.” She pauses. “Well, not too horribly, but you know what I mean.”
Eddie laughs softly. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”
A heavy rumbling spreads through the floor and up through Eddie’s body. He tilts his head up to glance at the window and a glare catches his eye. “The fuck,” he mumbles. He rushes up to pull back the curtain and sees a familiar Jeep sitting in his driveway. The headlights blink off and the driver’s door opens.
“Eddie?” Hen says. “Eddie, are you okay?”
“Yeah,” Eddie croaks.
“That didn’t sound okay—”
“He—” Eddie hesitates, moving towards the door. “He’s here, I’ve gotta go.”
“Wait, Buck’s there?” Karen damn chirps in Eddie’s ear as he grasps the doorknob with a sweaty palm. He swears he hears her mumble something like ‘cinematic.’
“Yeah, yeah, he is. Thank y’all so much. I’ve gotta go,” he hurries out. He hangs up the phone without proper goodbye and tosses it at the couch.
Eddie swings the door open, motionless heat suffocates his senses. Buck jumps, a raised hand not quite yet folded into a fist falls to his side. “I-I wasn’t sure if I should knock or…” he says quickly. “I mean, I didn’t know if Chris was asleep and if that would wake him or—” He starts over again. “Or if I should just let myself in, but I know it’s late and—”
Before Buck can continue with any more unnecessary apologetic ramblings, Eddie reaches out, grabs him by the shirt-collar, and drags him inside. He shuts the door with his foot, shivering from the sudden rush of cold from the AC.
Buck breathes heavily under Eddie’s hand. He quickly releases Buck’s collar then thoughtlessly runs his hand along Buck’s chest, smoothing out the crinkles in his tee shirt. Buck watches him curiously, and Eddie realizes what he had done. He jerks his hand away from Buck, his face warming.
“Uh, hey—”
“So, uh—”
“You go,” Buck says encouragingly.
Eddie nods, avoiding Buck’s unwavering, nervous gaze. “How’d it go with uh… with—”
“Monica.”
“Yeah, Monica.” Eddie hates the taste of her name in his mouth. He doesn’t know her at all. She might be a a wonderful person for all he knows, but right now he wishes she didn’t exist, if solely for the fact he wouldn’t be standing here wondering how her date with Buck—whom he is painfully in love with—went.
Buck hesitates, opening his mouth and closing it a few times over. When he finally remembers how to speak, he does so in an endless, nearly incomprehensible stream of ramblings. “Well, twenty minutes after getting our drinks she said things weren’t going to work out.” Eddie inwardly celebrates this note, and doesn’t bother with a sympathetic ‘sorry’ as Buck leaves no room for him to interject. “She said I was somewhere else,” he says, gesturing at his head, “and that I kept bringing up—”
Buck pauses briefly. It’s such a small, imperceptible thing that Eddie only notices because every fiber of his being is concentrated on each syllable that falls from Buck’s lips.
“Uh, someone else ,” Buck finishes, raising an eyebrow implicatively. “A-and that even if I didn’t know it was even happening—which, I assure you I really didn’t—that everything I said could be tied back to that person.” Eddie’s breath hitches.
Buck is a hand talker, and Eddie is grateful for the distraction of watching Buck’s hands move to avoid looking him in the eyes. He fears he will give himself away with the slightest glance.
“She said she was mostly looking for a hookup anyway,” Buck continues, “and that she probably wasn’t, and I quote, ‘going to get any satisfaction out of being with a man who’s in—“ Buck freezes midsentence. Wary breath drips from his lips.
Eddie’s heart skips a beat. He knows what Buck had been about to say. There is no possible way that sentence could have ended differently. He inhales shakily. “In love?” he says quietly. When Buck responds with only a sharp breath he adds, “With someone?” Just to fill the silence. Just to say something. Anything. Just to keep himself from asking— is it me?
Buck laughs softly at the floor. Eddie meets his eyes, holds his stare, and Buck’s laughter wans. As quickly as it came, Buck’s smile vanishes, making way for an intense gaze that makes Eddie’s heart stop .
Buck takes a deep breath, the sting of peppermint and a faint smell of alcohol fans Eddie’s face. He wants to pull Buck down to to his lips and kiss him ‘til he tastes it too.
“Yeah,” Buck says firmly. He watches Eddie’s face carefully. His eyes waver. Small and slight. Slowly. Downward. He most definitely is not looking at Eddie’s eyes, or even at his nose, when he says, “Yes.”
But his brilliant blue eyes burn Eddie’s brain when he adds, “I’m in love with someone.”
Eddie shifts uncomfortably under the weight of Buck’s stare. They’re standing close—too close—and bits of Eddie brushes bits of Buck, an elbow here, a hip there. Eddie jumps back in a panic, but Buck catches his arm, gently, but firm. The touch draws Eddie’s gaze.
He stares at Buck’s fingers, wrapping around his forearm, drifting down toward his wrist, and fuck Eddie wants him to never let go.
He doesn’t look up. He sounds weak. “With who?”
Eddie feels Buck’s other hand grasp his shoulder. He forces himself to look up. Buck’s hand inches its way up to rest on the side of Eddie’s neck. He doesn’t let Eddie look away, holding his gaze with such intensity that Eddie feels like his line of sight is glued to Buck’s. His skin buzzes where Buck’s fingers touch it.
Buck’s voice is small. So small, and so so scared. The weight of the world rests on his words’ seven letter shoulders. “With you,” he says quietly.
The words seem to echo. With you.
Eddie freezes. His eyes won’t stay still on Buck’s agonized face as Eddie processes.
“I’m in love with you, Eddie.” Buck is completely breathless when he speaks. His voice is scratchy and croaky, like he’s trying not to cry.
Eddie’s eyes go wide. He can’t speak. He can barely even think. He can’t speak.
Buck’s hands tighten nervously on Eddie’s arms. “Eddie?” his voice quivers. Eddie feels Buck’s hands shaking on him. He sees Buck’s whole body vibrating with nerves. “Eddie, please say something. I-I can’t take it when you’re just standing there not saying anythi—”
He still can’t speak, but Eddie takes a small step forward. His body is flush with Buck’s. He nervously inches his hands on the edges of Buck’s hips.
Finally. Finally, Eddie takes a breath. “Yeah?” he says quietly. His voice cracks, and the nerves swallow it whole, but finally he manages to get a word out.
Buck scrunches his eyebrows. His confusion is so endearing that Eddie bursts out laughing. The sweet giggles break his nerves and Buck is infected by them, shaking his head when he realizes what Eddie had meant. They’re both laughing softly when Buck slides his hands around to Eddie’s back. Eddie’s laughter slows, but his smile doesn’t budge.
“Yeah,” Buck says, leaning his head in. He doesn’t try to be subtle now, when his eyes drift down to Eddie’s lips, so full of love and longing.
Eddie brushes his nose against Buck’s. “Good,” he says, his breath flowing right back to him. He’s so close to Buck. Too close to focus on anything properly anymore so he lets his eyes drift shut. When Eddie speaks it’s a whisper, so quiet Buck must only know he says it because his lips brush against his. “I was hoping you’d say that.”
Eddie tastes Buck’s smile when they kiss.