Archive of Our Own

Kim Dokja opened his eyes with a pained groan. The bright ceiling lights blinded him, his eyes blurring with tears at the direct attack. It felt as if he hadn’t seen the light in years, constantly living in a harrowing darkness, swallowed fully by it. He struggled to pry his eyes further open, wincing the more he tried. In the end, he kept them closed. His body wasn’t cooperating with him the way it should, like it had been lying dormant for far too long to even know what it had to do.

Mustering all his will, Kim Dokja attempted to move his fingers. That alone was a challenge to him in his current state and he failed. He had no recollection as to how and why he ended up like this - the only thing he really remembered was… the subway. He remembered being alone. Being cold. Tired.

But this couldn’t be the subway. He spent what felt like an eternity there, and never had he experienced something so strange. So, what was this? 

He didn’t have the pleasure of thinking any more about his predicament when the loud bang of doors slamming against a wall sounded through the room, the loud noise adding onto the killer migraine splitting his head apart. 

With the slam came the sound of shuffling and voices - familiar voices, ones which caused Kim Dokja’s heart to ache and the tears welling behind his eyes to freely spill out. At that point he couldn't see anything anymore with his vision blurred, but he didn’t need to see. He recognised the voices calling for him. He recognised the ahjussi from Shin Yoosung and Lee Jihye, the hyung from Lee Gilyoung and the Kim Dokja slipping past his comrades - his friends and family.

He was dreaming. He had to be dreaming.

The warmth of arms wrapping around him, the weight of bodies dipping the bed he laid on, the concerned comments from Lee Seolhwa warning that “he’s in a fragile state, please be careful,” felt so real. But it couldn’t be real. Kim Dokja was to spend eternity away from the people he loved so dearly, if only to ensure that they could live on in the world he left for them.

“Can this bastard hear us?” It was hard to not recognise that voice. “Is he awake? Is he okay?” Han Sooyoung asked.

“His vitals have improved significantly,” Lee Seolhwa replied. There was a pause filled only by the cries of the kids clinging onto Kim Dokja’s weak frame. “It worked.”

“Of course it did! It was my plan, so of course it worked,” Han Sooyoung exclaimed with pride, but even in his state, Kim Dokja could hear the crack in her voice. There was relief, sadness and so much fear behind her words. Even she didn’t fully believe she could have achieved this great feat.

“Is everything okay with him, though?” Lee Hyunsung asked warily. “He’s not moving.”

“He needs time,” Lee Seolhwa explained. “After all, he’s been in a coma for years. He might not even hear us yet.”

“He can! Ahjussi can hear us!” Shin Yoosung cried out, tightly holding onto the man’s arm. “He knows we’re here,” she continued, looking down at Kim Dokja’s face, the tears which had spilled past his eyes staining his cheeks. “Ahjussi knows,” she muttered, clinging onto the man for dear life.

At that, Kim Dokja forced his finger to move again. He directed all his energy into that one small act. He tried and tried, until he finally did it. The index finger on his right hand curled, dragging the bed sheets up along with it. It wasn’t much, but it was more than enough for Shin Yoosung to notice.

“Ahjussi,” the girl wept, reaching out for his hand, holding it tight. It wasn’t as small as he remembered. Shin Yoosung grew up healthy and Kim Dokja was happy. He wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Kim Dokja wondered what the expressions of everyone in the room were like. He couldn’t hear them speaking anymore. Instead, there were sniffles. They were crying, and that alone pained him. Why did they cry? And why was he here? Just what did his comrades do for him to be back here with them?

The sound of heavy boots echoed through the room. Heads turned towards the man stomping in, eyes widening in horror.

“Yoo Joonghyuk, what on earth are you trying to do?” Han Sooyoung asked, panic rising in her voice.

“Hey! Be careful!” Yoo Sangah called out. “Don’t do anything stupid!”

“Don’t look like you’re going to kill him!” Jung Heewon said, commenting on his murderous glare.

But Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t listen to any of their words. “Is he awake?” 

“Yes,” Lee Seolhwa replied. “But he’s in no state to- careful!”

Yoo Joonghyuk grabbed onto the fabric of Kim Dokja’s hospital gown, yanking his body forward closer to him. The abrupt motion caused Kim Dokja to wince. His back cracked and all the muscles in his body cried out. The pain forced his eyes to twitch and in turn open just enough to see the face of the man directly in front of him. In all honesty, it wasn’t that bad of a view to see the first thing after opening his eyes. After all, Yoo Joonghyuk had always been easy on the eyes.

“You bastard,” Yoo Joonghyuk practically growled through clenched teeth.

“Stop doing that you crazy son of a-” Han Sooyoung’s words were cut off by Yoo Sangah’s hand covering her mouth, sparing the kids from hearing any profanities spilling out from Han Sooyoung’s potty mouth. Still, she finished off her utterance by muttering from behind the hand.

“Don’t hurt ahjussi!” Shin Yoosung pleaded, tightening her hold on Kim Dokja’s arm.

Still, Yoo Joonghyuk ignored everyone in the room. “Look at me you bastard,” he ordered.

Kim Dokja managed to open his eyes wide enough for everyone to notice.

Yoo Sangah and Lee Heewon gasped in shock.

“Good,” Yoo Joonghyuk continued. “Now listen to me because I won't repeat myself,” he said, adding more force to the hold on Kim Dokja’s clothes. “Don’t you dare to ever do something so stupid and reckless again. Don’t you dare make decisions for everyone. And don’t you dare leave again, or I’ll find you and kill you myself,” he warned, lip quivering as he spoke. 

Kim Dokja felt attacked, but more than anything, his heart ached. All he could think of in the moment was why? Why was Yoo Joonghyuk like this? Why did it sadden him this much? Didn’t that sunfish bastard hate Kim Dokja? So why? Why were his eyes red and glossy with tears? Why did his cold facade begin to crumble down like a brick wall losing its support little by little? Why did he let hot tears streak down his face, aged and tired? Why did a man hardened by a never ending life filled with loss and pain cry for him? Why-

“Don’t you dare leave me,” Yoo Joonghyuk said, akin to a prayer, pulling Kim Dokja closer. He buried his face in the crook of Kim Dokja’s neck, holding him tight, afraid that if he let go, the man in his arms would vanish forever. “Not when I finally found you.”

“Ah…” a knowing sigh from Lee Seolhwa rang loudly in Kim Dokja’s ears. He couldn’t comprehend it, but she understood, and so did apparently everyone else because the warning words directed at Yoo Joonghyuk were replaced with airy laughs and exhales.

Even Shin Yoosung understood, offering Kim Dokja’s hand a squeeze.

Kim Dokja stayed like that, surrounded by his comrades, wrapped up withly in Yoo Joonghyuk’s embrace, until he lost his strength and fell asleep once more.

***

Over the course of days, Kim Dokja began regaining his strength bit by bit. It was an arduous process, slow and seemingly never ending, but by the end of the week he was at the very least able to open his eyes and somewhat move his arms - though they did feel like soggy noodles, completely unable to do anything other than wave around a bit. 

It was during the following week that he learned just how long he ended up sleeping for from his mother. She stopped by often, bringing different books to read to her son, still too weak to hold one and flip the pages. She read to him, feeling like the man lying in bed was her little boy from so many years ago.

Kim Dokja had many visitors, all coming in to recount all the things they have done over the span of those years. He heard of their group regression, feeling a stab to his heart when he learned just what everyone did to bring him back because 49% of Kim Dokja is not enough and that even 1% of Kim Dokja is worth saving . Hearing all that caused him to cry once he was left alone for as little as a minute. They did all of that for him? For him . They risked their lives over and over for him, Kim Dokja, of all people.

Han Sooyoung stopped by most often, filling Kim Dokja in on the things nobody else wanted to say. She even revealed that she was in fact tls123, to which Kim Dokja said a very hoarse “I knew it,” earning himself a laugh from Han Sooyoung. The Han Sooyoung who wrote a story which only Kim Dokja would read, all so that she could save him.

If he was stronger, he would have hugged the woman and thanked her eloquently. But the words he wanted to say simply didn’t come to him. He didn’t know how to fully express how thankful he was - he was a reader, not a writer in the end - but that was okay. Han Sooyoung could tell without Kim Dokja ever saying anything.

Out of all his visitors at the hospital, there was one that only came when Kim Dokja was asleep.

Yoo Joonghyuk came in when everyone had paid Kim Dokja a visit. He came in after everyone shared their days with Kim Dokja, spending hours speaking to the man, making him smile and laugh.

Yoo Joonghyuk always came in last. He would sit by the bed and speak his mind, believing that Kim Dokja was too tired to listen, that he was fast asleep whenever he came in at night.

And that was the case at first. However, after realising that the only person he didn’t see during the day came in for the graveyard shift, Kim Dokja forced himself to stay awake, even if he sometimes just wanted to sleep, his body exhausted from being up so long. 

However, being in a coma for so long had left him with a very useful skill, and that was the ability to look like he was fast asleep despite being awake. His breathing was steady and his facial muscles were calm and relaxed, just as if he was sleeping. It came natural to him now.

Perfecting this skill allowed him to hear all the things Yoo Joonhyuk would never say to his face.

And there was so much.

“When I was drifting in space, I realised that the only reason I never gave up was you.”

“The manuscript felt wrong at times, but Han Sooyoung would have killed me if I changed it.”

“Those years without you felt empty, which is odd, because when we were beating scenarios, we were rarely together anyway.”

“I thought that if I lost you, all of this would have been for nothing.”

“Dealing with authors is an absolute pain. Dealing with one Han Sooyoung is enough for me.”

“Seems like you’ve become a character too. Looks like we’re even now.”

“Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you hitting me on the head. I’ll get my payback, just you wait.”

“You made me stop regressing, but in the end, I would regress a million more times to save you.”

The longer Yoo Joonghyuk spoke, the more he revealed. At times, Kim Dokja felt bad for listening, but at the same time, he couldn’t stop. In the end, Yoo Joonghyuk was an absolute mystery to him despite spending his life following the man and his story.

So he listened.

Yoo Joonghyuk had been speaking for maybe an hour already on that one, particularly cold night. He once more recounted his time in the dark abyss of space, the hundreds upon hundreds of days he spent drifting an endless plane on his goal to spread Han Sooyoung’s manuscript in order to save Kim Dokja.

Kim Dokja had grown accustomed to this story, but each time Yoo Joonghyuk recounted it, he added something new. Kim Dokja felt like he was reading a book over and over, finding a new piece of information or a different interpretation with each read through. He could probably listen to it forever, even if the story pained him.

“There was a moment when I admitted that my story would never have its end,” Yoo Joonghyuk explained. “That was my curse. However, despite all that, I felt a sense of relief. I didn’t have an end to my story, so I could choose my own one. I could pick my own conclusion - one that I would reach no matter the cost,” the man said, slowly reaching out for Kim Dokja’s hand, touching it carefully so as to not alert the sleeping man. 

However, he didn’t know that Kim Dokja was fully awake, and that that touch sent his mind spiralling, heart pounding in his chest like a drum. Kim Dokja wasn’t expecting that in the slightest. Of course, at this point it was clear that Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t hate him, but him reaching out for Kim Dokja felt so out of place, so sudden and so out of character.

But Yoo Joonghyuk wasn’t a character.

“I decided what the conclusion to my story would be,” the man stated, voice softening. 

Kim Dokja never heard him speak like this, but he recounted reading Ways of Survival where Yoo Joonghyuk would become sombre and gentle when speaking to his loved ones - mainly Lee Seolhwa. Kim Dokja never imagined it to sound like this. And he never imagined that he would be the one hearing Yoo Joonghyuk speak in such a manner.

“It’s you,” Yoo Joonghyuk continued.

Kim Dokja’s act came to an abrupt end when he couldn’t contain his surprised gasp. He regretted making the sound as soon as he made it, but there was nothing he could do now because Yoo Joonghyuk was staring at him with sharp, knowing eyes.

“I figured you weren’t sleeping.”

Really? Kim Dokja thought that he was quite convincing.

“You can stop pretending now.”

With his cover blown, Kim Dokja opened his eyes, looking over at Yoo Joonghyuk who was already staring at him. To his surprise, the man didn’t look mad - or even annoyed. His expression was calm and composed, maybe even a bit relieved, though a hint of worry glimmered behind his eyes.

“Oops,” Kim Dokja muttered. “Busted.”

Unimpressed, Yoo Joonghyuk said nothing.

“Was I at least a bit convincing?”

“Not in the slightest.”

Kim Dokja sighed. “Brutal and straightforward as always, huh? You couldn’t even lie to make me feel a bit better? I’ve been through a lot.”

“No,” Yoo Joonghyuk replied.

Of course he wouldn’t. He was Yoo Joonghyuk after all.

“Wait,” Kim Dokja said, turning his head on the pillow to look directly at Yoo Joonghyuk. “If you knew I wasn’t asleep, why did you say all those things?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Yoo Joonghyuk questioned, body leaned slightly forward towards Kim Dokja, his hand still touching Kim Dokja’s. It didn’t seem he was planning on letting go, even when Kim Dokja glanced down at it.

“Because… well… because you- the things you said they- ugh,” Kim Dokja groaned. 

Everything felt so off. All those things Yoo Joonghyuk told him were so personal - things which he would never say to his face, but he clearly would because he knew Kim Dokja was listening. Was it a joke? No, that wasn’t possible. Sure, Yoo Joonghyuk had the occasional mean streak, but he wasn’t the type to joke about his feelings. He wouldn’t joke about being… 

“It sounds like you’re in love with me!” Kim Dokja burst out, his brain feeling fried from all the thoughts jumbling around in his barely functioning and very tired head. “If- if anyone else heard the things you’ve said, they’d think you love me,” he continued. The hold which Yoo Joonghyuk had on his hand felt scorching now.

Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t react in the way Kim Dokja expected him to. There was no disgust, no ridicule nor bafflement, but a tired look of disbelief in his eyes.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“You’re unbelievable,” Yoo Joonghyuk declared.

“What? Why?”

“You really can’t read people like a book, can’t you?”

“Huh? I-”

“Have you considered that the reason it sounds like I love you, is because I do?”

Kim Dokja froze. The world felt like it came to an abrupt halt, time stopping around him. Yoo Joonghyuk’s words hit him like a freight train, followed by a tsunami, followed by a meteor falling right down on him. Did he really hear that right?

Yoo Joonghyuk loved him?

“Why?”

“I’ve been asking myself that question almost every day,” Yoo Joonghyuk admitted.

“And? What’s the reason?”

Yoo Joonghyuk smiled - it was faint, but enough to make Kim Dokja’s heart leap out of his ribcage. “I don’t know,” he replied. “I’ve stopped trying to find an answer. It just is. I can’t do anything about it.”

Those words completely rocked Kim Dokja’s world.

This… he didn’t expect this. Yoo Joonghyuk loved him. He loved him . He loved Kim Dokja. Yoo Joonghyuk - the Yoo Joonghyuk - loved Kim Dokja . He just did. There was no reason behind his feelings, other than Kim Dokja being Kim Dokja.

It felt surreal.

“I must be dreaming,” Kim Dokja muttered.

Yoo Joonghyuk squeezed Kim Dokja’s hand before intertwining their fingers together. Kim dokja let him, stunned by the man. “You’re not,” Yoo Joonghyuk assured. “I made sure of that. This is real.”

“I…” Kim Dokja was absolutely speechless. What on earth was he supposed to say to that? “You… that’s not possible.”

Unimpressed, Yoo Joonghyuk scowled at Kim Dokja. “And why do you say that, you bastard?” Only Yoo Joonghyuk would call Kim Dokja a bastard when confessing his love for him. 

“Because… you’re you and I’m… me .”

“I’m aware.” Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t budge. He remained adamant that he loved Kim Dokja, as ridiculous as that sounded. 

He was Yoo Joonghyuk; he was handsome, clever, charming, dedicated, strong, loved by everyone. He was the main character of Kim Dokja’s world, yet he decided that he loved Kim Dokja when he could do so much better - Lee Seolhwa was literally there. So why him? Why would anyone possibly love Kim Dokja? 

It was something that made no sense to Kim Dokja. Ever since he woke up, he couldn’t comprehend just why everyone cared so much about him. A person like him didn’t deserve all this. This wasn’t something Kim Dokja was used to; he was alone his whole life, an outcast with only a novel to keep him company.

Kim Dokja was never anyone’s first choice - let alone anyone’s love.

Yet Yoo Joonghyuk loved him.

Kim Dokja’s lip quivered. He bit down on the inside of his cheeks, vision blurring with hot tears.

It hurt.

Everything hurt.

Yoo Joonghyuk’s grasp on his hand burned. The weight of it was crushing him, but even then, he wished that Yoo Joonghyuk wouldn’t let go. He wished that he would stay; he wished that this wasn’t a dream or a cruel prank; he wished that the tears streaming down his face would free him of the loneliness filling his heart to the brim.

“Kim Dokja, you fool,” Yoo Joonghyuk uttered softly, bringing Kim Dokja’s hand up to his lips, placing a soft kiss against his knuckles.

And Kim Dokja sobbed, feeling lighter the more he cried.

If he cried the whole night, then Yoo Joonghyuk would stay. And he did. He stayed long after Kim Dokja’s eyes dried and closed with fatigue. He stayed the whole day, his presence telling every other guest to leave them alone for just a bit longer, even if that bit longer was the rest of the day.

Nobody complained, leaving the two men in their own little world.

It was what Kim Dokja deserved.

***

By the end of the month, Kim Dokja was given the green light. He was able to leave his hospital bed - albeit on shaky legs at first - and go to live his life somewhere less depressing. Of course, that brought about the question of where he would return to. In his absence, things had changed. Seoul wasn’t the same city it used to before the world of Ways of Survival became the truth. His shitty apartment no longer existed, and to add onto that, Kim Dokja wasn’t entirely in the state to live alone just yet.

That revelation caused his comrades to offer him a place to sleep. Shin Yoosung was the most enthusiastic, tugging on Kim Dokja’s sleeve and begging him to live with her.

It was then when Kim Dokja found out that the promise they all made never came into fruition. A large mansion for all of them never became real. It made sense that that was the case, though Kim Dokja couldn’t deny that he felt a slight pang in his heart.

He ruffled Shin Yoosung’s hair and pointed out that the home in which she lived in wouldn’t fit in another person. Dejected, the girl frowned but in the end she understood Kim Dokja was right.

“What’s this commotion about anyway,” Han Sooyoung, sucking on a lollipop. “Isn’t it obvious he’s gonna go live with his matcho, saviour, emotionally constipated boyfriend?”

Kim Dokja choked on his own spit.

“Don’t make that stupid face,” Han Sooyoung said, pointing her lollipop at Kim Dokja. “You know it’s true. Speaking of, where is that bastard anyway?”

Her answer arrived on cue. Yoo Joonghyuk stepped inside the hospital room, dressed in all black because apparently he didn’t own any single piece of clothing that wasn’t black. Though, it was somewhat impressive how he managed to find clothes that were in the exact same shade of black.

“Speak of the devil and he shall arrive,” Han Sooyoung muttered. “You here to collect our beloved disaster?”

Yoo Joonghyuk looked at Kim Dokja, now dressed in clothes other than a hospital gown. He studied him carefully before nodding.

It still felt odd to Kim Dokja. It had been less than two weeks since Yoo Joonghyuk announced his love for Kim Dokja, and within that time, everything and nothing at all had changed. The way Yoo Joonghyuk treated Kim Dokja didn’t change much, other than the fact that he would reach out for Kim Dokja’s hand, hold it, rub his thumb across it and kiss it. He would call Kim Dokja an idiot, but it lacked all bite. He was tender, and once he told Kim Dokja how he felt, he didn’t pressure Kim Dokja to do the same.

Of course, Kim Dokja struggled to fully accept the confession. However, he also had to admit that a part of him wanted this; he wanted Yoo Joonghyuk’s love and affection more than anything. He wanted the touch of his hand, his lips. He wanted to fully understand why Yoo Joonghyuk loved him, because Kim Dokja had loved Yoo Joonghyuk all these years.

He was the brother, friend, parental figure, lover that Kim Dokja never had. And now he was saying that he loved him.

Kim Dokja feared that he would suddenly wake up and find that all this was a dream.

But Yoo Joonghyuk promised it wasn’t, and Kim Dokja took his word for it.

“Ready when you are,” Yoo Joonghyuk said.

And so, Kim Dokja was about to start fresh with the man who loved him.

***

There were two beds.

Yoo Joonghyuk did have a spare bedroom, which he did end up giving to Kim Dokja without any questions asked. Sure, Kim Dokja appreciated that, but he was also left confused. He stared at the bed as Yoo Joonghyuk placed the box of plushies and letters and flowers Kim Dokja received whilst he was in hospital down on the bedside table.

There were clothes in the wardrobe. A few books were lined up on one of the shelves. There were even flower pots scattered around the place to liven the room a little.

The room was prepared for Kim Dokja in advance, and as sweet as that was, it didn’t lessen Kim Dokja’s puzzlement.

“Why are you staring like that?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked.

“Oh I-” Kim Dokja stuttered. What was he supposed to say? He didn’t even know what he and Yoo Joonghyuk were. Sure, Yoo Joonghyuk did say he was in love with him, and Kim Dokja couldn’t deny he had feelings for Yoo Joonghyuk too, but they hadn’t actually talked about this any further. “I thought we were sharing a room,” he finally said, feeling bashful. This was absolutely ridiculous.

Yoo Joonghyuk was silent for a second, his brow furrowed. “Ah,” he said. 

“Ah,” Kim Dokja mimicked.

“I don’t mind,” Yoo Joonghyuk stated. “I thought you would though.”

Kim Dokja wanted to laugh. “How considerate. So you assumed ?”

“Was I wrong?”

Was he? Well… maybe he wasn’t all that wrong for assuming Kim Dokja would be uncomfortable with sharing the same room, the same bed to be exact. It definitely was a lot.

Kim Dokja glanced down at the floor, holding onto his own wrist. “I have to admit, this does all feel weird. You, me, us . I’m still trying to process the things you said to me last week.”

“That I love you?”

Kim Dokja hummed in response. The absurdity of those words weren’t lost on him.

“You don’t believe me?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked, looking up at Kim Dokja. It was funny, he looked saddened and determined all at once.

“It’s not that I don’t believe you,” Kim Dokja admitted. “It’s the fact that… that…”

“You feel that you don’t deserve it?”

It was like Yoo Joonghyuk stole the words right out of him.

Kim Dokja nodded, biting down on his lip. He kept his eyes fixed on the floor, finding great interest in the pattern of the wood panels he was standing on. He wanted to avoid Yoo Joonghyuk’s gaze so badly. And though he tried, he couldn’t.

Yoo Joonghyuk walked over to Kim Dokja, standing right in front of him. His calloused hand reached out for Kim Dokja, cupping his jaw and tilting his head up so that their eyes could meet. He didn’t say anything, and despite that, Kim Dokja felt like he was falling apart. That heavy gaze weighed him down - grounded him. Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t have to say anything for Kim Dokja to understand his intentions.

Kim Dokja wondered if this was how Lee Seolhwa felt when she was Yoo Joonghyuk’s lover. Could she feel all his affection, his dedication and comfort? Was this what it meant to be loved?

Tenderly, Yoo Joonghyuk stroked his thumb across Kim Dokja’s cheek as if to wipe away a tear. Maybe he did, but Kim Dokja couldn’t tell if he was crying any more. He felt like he had cried all the tears he possibly could create back at the hospital.

“You deserve it,” Yoo Joonghyuk assured. At any other time, Kim Dokja would have thought this was extremely out of character for Yoo Joonghyuk. Yoo Joonghyuk from back then would never say such things to Kim Dokja, right? Or would he?

But that didn’t matter. Time had passed, and Yoo Joonghyuk had decided upon his own fate. 

That fate being Kim Dokja.

“And I’ll make sure you believe me,” Yoo Joonghyuk added.

“Good luck with that,” Kim Dokja said in an attempt to lighten the mood. But of course, that didn’t work. It probably made things worse.

“I don’t need luck.”

Well, that wasn’t a lie. Yoo Joonghyuk never relied on luck.

Yoo Joonghyuk looked deeply into Kim Dokja’s eyes. Even though he wanted to look away, Kim Doka couldn’t. He was overwhelmed with emotion, one which felt so foreign to him. Despite it feeling strange, he wanted more. Subconsciously, Kim Dokja leaned forward. He was close enough to Yoo Joonghyuk to feel his chest against his own, If he ever dared to stand this close to Yoo Joonghyuk when they were still clearing scenarios, he would have probably ended up a dead man. But now, the proximity was welcomed.

It was warm - pleasant.

“Can I kiss you?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked.

Kim Dokja felt his face flush. “I… I mean, you can, but you’ll be disappointed.”

“I doubt that.”

Nothing Kim Dokja said could get through that thick skull of his. But whatever. At this point it was pretty much obvious Kim Dokja had never kissed anyone. What’s the worst that could happen? Ridicule? Kim Dokja survived worse - though he would probably never mentally recover.

Stopping Kim Dokja’s thoughts from running wild, Yoo Joonghyuk leaned forward to close the distance between them both. Kim Dokja’s heart stopped at the faintest brush of lips against lips. He clutched onto the fabric of Yoo Joonghyuk’s shirt, gripping it tightly the more pressure was applied.

Kim Dokja didn’t even know what a good kiss felt like, but he assumed it felt like this. Yoo Joonghyuk definitely knew what to do - how could he not? He was mister perfect after all, kissing wasn’t as alien a concept to him as it was to Kim Dokja. He was accommodating to Kim Dokja’s needs - gentle and slow as to not overwhelm him from the get go. 

Yoo Joonghyuk tilted Kim Dokja’s head further back, adding a bit more force to his kiss. His other hand then found its way onto Kim Dokja’s waist, holding on through the fabric of his thick, weather appropriate sweatshirt. Even then, he could easily grip onto it, pulling Kim Dokja in even closer as he licked his tongue over Kim Dokja’s bottom lip. That earned him a shocked gasp from Kim Dokja.

That was completely unexpected, but Kim Dokja went along with it. He parted his lips and allowed Yoo Joonghyuk to kiss him deeper.

The kiss felt like a kick to the gut, leaving him winded and gasping for air. Yet he didn’t want to stop. He wanted Yoo Joonghyuk to keep going - to steal all the air in his lungs and leave him utterly breathless. And it felt like that was going to happen until Yoo Joonghyuk slowly pulled away, a pleased grin spread across his face.

Kim Dokja looked like a mess.

“Not bad,” Yoo Joonghyuk mused. “But you could always do with some more practice.”

Kim Dokja scoffed. “You just had to add that last part, didn't you?”

Yoo Joonghyuk smirked.

Cocky bastard.

“Are you rejecting the offer?”

Kim Dokja frowned, shifting his eyes away. “No,” he mumbled. That earned him a kiss on the cheek, still flushed pink.

“Make yourself comfortable,” Yoo Joonghyuk said. “I’m making dinner.”

Yoo Joonghyuk’s cooking? Kim Dokja was able to have it all to himself from now on? Oh that definitely sounded like a blessing.

“My room is next door,” Yoo Joonghyuk continued. “In case you want to make yourself comfortable there.”

“That depends.”

“On?”

“On what this is,” Kim Dokja replied, motioning between their closely pressed bodies. “What we are.”

“Here I was thinking you weren’t the type to like labels,” Yoo Joonghyuk said. “Make your pick. Either way, I’m sure Uriel will have a field day.”

Kim Dokja chuckled. Nobody had mentioned this to Uriel yet, so Kim Dokja was counting down the minutes until she finally found out. He just feared she’d end up bursting into uncontrollable tears once she knew.

“How about-” Kim Dokja tried to say boyfriends , but he couldn’t force it out. It didn’t sound right to him, no matter how many times he repeated it to himself. The term boyfriend and Yoo Joonghyuk just didn’t fit - not when he was also involved. Kim Dokja just couldn't make himself believe that that was what they were. Besides, Yoo Joonghyuk would suit something else, something less ordinary, something such as-

“Life and death companions?” Yoo Joonghyuk suggested.

There it was.

That was perfect.

“Life and death companions,” Kim Dokja repeated.

***

In the end, Kim Dokja slid under the covers with Yoo Joonghyuk. He contemplated spending the night alone in the room Yoo Joonghyuk prepared for him. However, the longer he stared at the large bed, grey, clean sheets ironed to perfection, Kim Dokja felt a pang of loneliness in his heart. After spending the day with Yoo Joonghyuk, receiving numerous forms of affection from the otherwise broody man, it felt wrong to be alone again.

Hadn’t he spent enough of his life alone? Did he have to isolate himself more, especially now, after all that his comrades had done for him?

A part of him still wanted to lay alone, believing that that was what he should do. He stayed in the doorframe for far longer than what was normal, just staring at the bed. He was so used to this, but after getting a taste of what it meant to be truly wanted, it felt wrong. 

Maybe he could give it a go, at least this once.

And so, Kim Dokja shuffled over to the room next door, standing in the doorway of Yoo Joonghyuk’s room, waiting to be acknowledged.

Yoo Joonghyuk lifted the covers for Kim Dokja, allowing the man to lay down beside him. Once Kim Dokja was huddled in the warmth of the sheets, Yoo Joonghyuk wrapped his arm around Kim Dokja’s waist, pulling him in close. The hold was secure, keeping Kim Dokja safe where he was. It was the reassurance he needed.

“Clingy,” Kim Dokja teased, fluffing his pillow. This had to be the first time in his life where the bed he laid in didn’t poke him with janky springs, popping up from age and wear. A mattress like this was to die for. Though Kim Dokja didn’t plan on dying any time soon.

“Got a problem with that?” Yoo Joonghyuk muttered, tightening his hold to make a point.

“No,” Kim Dokja replied. “Just don’t crush my ribs and organs, please. I need them.”

Yoo Joonghyuk huffed, sliding his rough hand beneath Kim Dokja’s loose sleeping shirt. The touch startled Kim Dokja, especially since Yoo Joonghyuk’s hand was freezing.

“Warm,” Yoo Joonghyuk muttered.

“I am not your personal furnace,” Kim Dokja pointed out. “You’re cold like a brick of ice,” he added. Despite his outward annoyance, he reached down for Yoo Joonghyuk’s hand and placed it over his stomach, placing his own - slightly warmer - hand on top. That elicited a pleased hum from Yoo Joonghyuk who then proceeded to snuggle up closer. “Big baby,” Kim Dokja muttered, finding the behaviour somewhat (read: very) endearing.

“Stay,” Yoo Joonghyuk uttered in a hushed but stern voice.

“If you keep squeezing me like that I think my bladder’s gonna give out,” Kim Dokja joked. “So no promises.”

Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t laugh. As if he’d laugh at that in the first place.

“Fine, I’ll stay,” Kim Dokja said. “Happy?”

“You swear?”

Kim Dokja didn’t understand what got Yoo Joonghyuk to act so clingy. What, did he think Kim Dokja would evaporate into thin air? That he’d die again?

Oh…

Well, Kim Dokja did do that far too many times in the course of his quite eventful life. Even when he promised, he still managed to find a way to disappear. Yoo Joonghyuk knew that, and he didn’t want it.

It made sense now.

Kim Dokja turned his head, trying to take a look over his shoulder at the man lying behind him. He couldn’t see his face, but he could feel his strong gaze, searching for any hint of a typical Kim Dokja plan - one which would end up with him gone again. Yoo Joonghyuk needed to be sure.

“I promise,” Kim Dokja assured. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Yoo Joonghyuk was now more convinced, lightly trailing his fingers across the soft flesh beneath them. “Lie to me and I’ll-”

“Kill me yourself,” Kim Dokja completed the sentence. “Yeah, yeah, I know. Now go to sleep. Those eyebags look horrendous on you.”

“Well aren’t you sweet?”

“The sweetest,” Kim Dokja replied with a smile.

With no more words exchanged between them, Kim Dokja shut his eyes. 

This was setting out to be the best sleep he ever had. He was safe and sound in Yoo Joonghyuk’s bed - their bed. The cold winds outside couldn’t reach him where he was, warm under the covers, protected by a firm hold - the sturdiest in the world.

Kim Dokja wasn’t expecting the soft feeling of lips pressing against his nape, but he couldn’t deny that it caused his heart to swell. Yoo Joonghyuk left another gentle kiss on Kim Dokja’s exposed shoulder, bringing a smile to his lips.

Maybe he could get used to this.

***

And he did.

Falling into a new routine with Yoo Joonghyuk was surprisingly easier than he expected it to be. Kim Dokja thought that it would take months, maybe even years, for them to find a way to work around each other. However, that wasn’t the case.

The two men just understood each other. Granted, Kim Dokja had the unfair advantage of knowing what ticked Yoo Joonghyuk off thanks to reading Ways of Survival. He knew his habits, such as the order in which he cleaned the house, or how he folded the clothes, or how he organised the pantry in what he deemed to be the most logical way. He knew Yoo Joonghyuk was picky about leaving clothes strewn around the floor or chairs. Kim Dokja knew enough to say that he knew what not to do.

He also knew Yoo Joonghyuk was a control freak in the kitchen, rarely letting anyone help him lest they fuck up somehow. That was the reason as to why Kim Dokja had only stepped into the kitchen to cook a meal for them a total of three times (though it was most likely due to his inability to cook anything that wasn’t instant ramen or the fact that he joked about Yoo Joonghyuk’s dorito body whilst Yoo Joonghyuk was holding a very sharp knife). Yoo Joonghyuk cared for everyone’s health and safety, which is why Kim Dokja was banned from cooking.

And Kim Dokja was fine with that. Why did he even need to cook when he could make a comment about how he remembered a dish he had years ago, only for Yoo Joonghyuk to serve it to him for dinner. Kim Dokja could probably comment on how it was the season for a certain fruit or seasonal treat and Yoo Joonghyuk would come home with a bag full of said things (and he did do that numerous times).

Yoo Joonghyuk had a true talent at cooking, so Kim Dokja left him to it. Besides, Kim Dokja had plenty of other things to do.

Now that he didn’t have to worry about work, his ability to put a meal on the table, or even dying, Kim Dokja had plenty of time to do all the things he never had the chance to do. His favourite pastime was by far spending time with the kids; he finally took Lee Gilyoung to a PC bang where he was beaten in every game by the boy (much to Yoo Joonghyuk’s amusement). He also took Shin Yoosung wherever she wanted to go, even if it was freezing outside. 

Han Sooyoung shared her new manuscript with Kim Dokja, asking for his opinion since she was his absolute favourite author in the whole wide universe . It was good, though he didn’t miss how one of the characters closely resembled him.

“Are you obsessed with me?” Kim Dokja teased.

“The only thing I’m obsessed with is you shutting the fuck up,” Han Sooyoung retorted.

“You can just say you love me.”

“Never,” Han Sooyoung replied bluntly. “Besides, I don’t have a death wish,” she added, glancing at Yoo Joonghyuk sitting at the opposite side of the room. 

Kim Dokja looked at Yoo Joonghyuk who was already looking at him. He definitely looked like the overly possessive type to everyone else - even Kim Dokja agreed with that sentiment - but in truth, Yoo Joonghyuk feared that Kim Dokja would vanish right in front of him if he looked away for a second. But still, Yoo Joonghyuk was definitely possessive.

Good thing that Kim Dokja was the same. 

Yoo Joonghyuk was still quite popular (despite the fact he had been deemed a terrorist at one point), which was a given with a face and body like that. And since he was so popular, he would catch the attention of everyone that passed him by. Of course, Yoo Joonghyuk was either too dense to notice or he ignored everyone . As much as he joked about Yoo Joonghyuk being as dense as a brick, the truth was sweeter; Yoo Joonghyuk was very dedicated to Kim Dokja.

Still, that didn’t stop Kim Dokja from shamelessly locking eyes with strangers when he grabbed Yoo Joonghyuk’s hand and guided it to his waist.

He never expected himself to act like this, but then again, he never had any experience with relationships, so he couldn’t exactly tell what type of person he was in them.

It seemed he was the perfect match for Yoo Joonghyuk.

They fit together perfectly, like all this time they were meant to be. They could understand each other without words which was something Kim Dokja had never experienced with anyone else. 

Yoo Joonghyuk knew what Kim Dokja needed with a mere glance; he could tell Kim Dokja was letting his thoughts run wild in all the wrong directions when the man stared out into space; he knew that at times like those, Kim Dokja needed to be brought back to reality, be it with a kiss, a sarcastic quip, or just a question that snapped him out of it. And in return, Kim Dokja could tell when to stop with self-deprecating comments that made Yoo Joonghyuk’s face twitch. He understood there was a line he shouldn’t cross for Yoo Joonghyuk’s sake. He knew that at times he had to remind Yoo Joonghyuk he was in fact there with him.

Even if he began to doubt himself.

The thing about falling into routines was that they weren’t always good.

Kim Dokja fell into new habits with ease. He woke up, washed up, had breakfast with his life and death companion , read, maybe met with his friends, and did whatever he wanted. That part was all fine - no issues whatsoever.

However, it was the things which happened at night that were far from good.

The nightmares started over a month after he started living with Yoo Joonghyuk.

It was the same dream every night. At first, Kim Dokja didn’t really remember it when he woke up. He even questioned if he had the dream in the first place. But as more nights passed, it became harder to deny that he had the same recurring dream every single night without fail.

Kim Dokja would open his eyes and find that he was alone, a vast void spread out from the other side of the subway windows. There were books scattered around the metal tube, all of them the same story. They shuffled around every night, another volume on the seat next to him, as if he was constantly reading through them all.

The dim lights of the subway illuminated the insides, allowing Kim Dokja to look at his reflection in the windowpane. He looked the same - not like the young boy he encountered beyond the final wall. There was no sign of him becoming younger, or older for that matter. He simply remained the way he was when he made the sacrifice to stay onboard the speeding train.

Usually, Kim Dokja would sleep the rest of the night normally, the dream fainting out into nothingness after some point. However, after being plagued by the dream for weeks, it became much harder to ignore.

Especially when he woke up abruptly whenever the Kim Dokja in his dreams fell asleep.

The first time that occurred, Kim Dokja’s eyes shot wide open with a jolt. It felt so jarring and surreal that he wasn’t exactly sure what had happened to him. He wrote it off as a coincidence, but he couldn’t force himself to fall back to sleep. He glanced at Yoo Joonghyuk, his eyebrows scrunched as if something was troubling him. Kim Dokja waited, worried that he would wake the man up if he moved. Luckily, Yoo Joonghyuk’s tense expression relaxed. And so, he slithered out of Yoo Joonghyuk’s embrace - strong even when he was fast asleep - and headed to the living room, waiting out the rest of the night with a book or a t.v show with the volume extremely low.

This kept happening every night thereafter. He would fall asleep, dream of himself trapped away in the worst place he could possibly imagine, and then he would wake up.

Each time the nightmare woke him up, he found himself in a worse state.

At first it was shock, but that soon transformed into panic and fear which left him covered in a sheen of sweat. It didn’t take long for him to wake up with tear streaks covering his face.

He would rush out of bed, careful not to wake Yoo Joonghyuk up, and hide. If Yoo Joonghyuk saw him like this… Kim Dokja didn’t know what would happen, which is why he couldn’t let Yoo joonghyuk see him in that state. Kim Dokja got washed up earlier and acted like he was merely making a change in his lifestyle whenever Yoo Joonghyuk asked why he was up before sunrise.

“Haven’t I wasted enough of my life, Joonghyuk-ah?” Kim Dokja asked, his voice lighthearted, the endearing term leaving him with ease. 

The first time he referred to Yoo Joonghyuk as Joonghyuk-ah was awkward and filled with dread as Kim Dokja feared he may have crossed a line - that maybe he was imagining all the affection and closeness between them. He expected to get punched by Yoo Joonghyuk for that, but that never happened. Instead, he got to see Yoo Joonghyuk smile and return the favour.

But now, it came out easily, even more so when he lied.

“Why waste more time with sleep? Besides, watching the sunrise is quite calming. I never appreciated it when I woke up early for work.”

Yoo Joonghyuk looked wary. Kim Dokja wasn’t an idiot, he knew when Yoo Joonghyuk found something suspicious and unbelievable. Still, he didn’t press any further questions, though he did make a more extravagant breakfast, refusing to let Kim Dokja go if he didn’t finish everything on his plate.

Kim Dokja was able to avoid bringing his nightmares up for quite a while.

Nevertheless, he could avoid it only for so long.

The night after everyone got together to celebrate the new year, the truth finally caught up with Kim Dokja.

Everything was the same as always; Kim Dokja woke up in the same subway car surrounded by books; the sky outside painted with stars light years away and colour of distant galaxies splayed across the black canvas. The volumes of the books around him had shifted once more as he had progressed with his reading.

Kim Dokja did what he always did; he picked up the next book to read and flipped it open, scanning the words written upon the pages. Every sentence was vivid - not like the text you would read in your dreams that made sense in the moment but it clearly wasn’t coherent in the slightest. He recognised it to be Yoo Joonghyuk’s 999th turn, a story he was fond of. 

As he read the chapters, Kim Dokja felt strange - like there was something he was forgetting. The Yoo Joonghyuk in the novel continued with his journey, and the more sentences passed by, the hollowness in Kim Dokja’s stomach grew. Like a black hole at the pit of his stomach, Kim Dokja felt himself be consumed.

What was this feeling?

Why did he feel so bad for reading the story? Yoo Joonghyuk was just a character- No. No, that wasn’t right. Why did he think that? Why all of a sudden?

[Ki m Do kja, y ou foo l]

Kim Dokja felt sick. He slammed the book shut, looking around as if he could find the 4th wall if he tried enough. “What?” He asked, his voice thick with a sense of heavy dread.

[Yo u’ve bee n hav i ng str ange dr eam s]

“No- no I- I haven’t,” Kim Dokja replied, not sounding too sure of himself. “Wait, no, I have. This. This is a strange dream- a nightmare.”

[Kim Dok ja is a fo ol]

“I’m not!”

The 4th wall didn’t respond for what felt like an eternity, leaving Kim Dokja to stare out the window, his knee jumping up and down. 

This isn’t real , he told himself. This is a nightmare. I’m not here .

Kim Dokja kept repeating those words to himself, holding onto them like they were his lifeline.

I’m not here.

He was home with Yoo Joonghyuk. He was alive, far away from here. Kim Dokja had left the subway car a long time ago. All this was nothing but a nightmare - a cruel, realistic, horrifying nightmare. But this wasn’t real. Kim Dokja was not there.

I’m home. I’m not here.

[K im Dokj a is ti red]

“I’m not,” Kim Dokja argued.

[Li ar]

Slowly, Kim Dokja’s eyes began to droop.

[Sle ep]

“No,” he muttered, fighting against the urge to close his eyes. “I’m- I’m not a...awake.”

[G ood ni ght, Ki m Dok ja]

Kim Dokja woke up sobbing. His entire frame was trembling from the sheer force of the cries leaving him. The anxiety caused by his nightmare rose to his chest, clogging his airways and making it so much harder to breathe. He sat up right, clawing at his neck, praying for the tightness restricting his airways to dissipate, all whilst heavy tears rushed down his flushed, sweat sheened face. His hiccuping sobs and pained cries echoed through the bedroom shrouded in darkness apart from the lone sliver of silver moonlight casting a bright path across the wooden floor.

Yoo Joonghyuk was wide awake now, sitting up as soon as he realised something was wrong. “Kim Dokja,” he said, all sense of tiredness tossed aside and replaced with dread. “What’s wrong?” The arm he had wrapped around Kim Dokja tightened, securing him in place.

The touch felt so reassuring, so safe, so… surreal.

Kim Dokja turned to look at Yoo Joonghyuk, his breathing uneasy and broken. Hot tears muddied his vision, but even still he could make out the worry behind Yoo Joonghyuk’s eyes - the fear that one wrong move or word could take Kim Dokja away from him again.

Seeing Yoo Joonghyuk like that only made Kim Dokja feel significantly worse.

He stared at the man in front of him for what felt like hours but couldn’t have been more than a few seconds. Was this all a dream? Was this the comfort he yearned for? Was all of this a lie ?

“Kim Dok-”

Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t have a chance to finish before Kim Dokja made a run for it. He pried off the arm holding him steady and stumbled out of the bed, struggling to get up as the duvet wrapped around his limbs. But he ran and made a beeline for the en suite, locking the door the moment he stepped foot inside.

Kim Dokja leaned against the wooden door and wept, his body sliding down across the smooth surface until he was huddled on the floor, his tears falling onto the centre of his palms.

Yoo Joonghyuk pounded on the door, calling out for Kim Dokja. His voice was a mixture of panic and anger, but Kim Dokja ignored him.

After all, none of this was real.

All this was a cruel trick of the mind - nothing more than a vivid and oh so wonderful dream. That should have been obvious right from the start and Kim Dokja was an idiot for not realising it sooner. He could never possibly be this happy outside of his dreams; there was no happy ever after for the likes of him, lonely and broken from the get go.

Kim Dokja knew it was ridiculous that Yoo Joonghyuk - the Yoo Joonghyuk - could love him. Even if Kim Dokja spent all his life admiring the man, wishing to be him and later on to be with him, it was implausible that Yoo Joonghyuk would ever even consider Kim Dokja as anything other than an annoying companion, let alone a lover.

This was all just wish fulfilment conjured up by his brain to cope with the horror of spending eternal loneliness, far, far away from the people he treasured with all his heart. The companions in his dreams weren’t the ones he left at the end of their journey together; they were all merely figures of his imagination.

In the end, Kim Dokja was still alone.

He remained on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor, crying and shutting off the world to keep himself safe, wishing for everything to stop. The relentless pounding on the door didn’t cease, and neither did Yoo Joonghyuk’s orders to open the door, but Kim Dokja knew that they would soon. All he had to do was close his eyes and he’d wake up where he was destined to be.

All good dreams had to come to an end.

“You bastard!” Yoo Joonghyuk cried out. The loud yell was paired with a violent pound of the door, followed by the metallic sound of the door lock breaking.

The door Kim Dokja was leaning on swung open in a hurry, causing him to tumble backwards. He barely managed to stop himself from falling onto his back since the arm which he used to catch himself with was shaking so much.

Kim Dokja tried to shuffle away and run away from Yoo Joonghyuk again, but he couldn’t find the strength in him. The intensity of his cries left him weak and spent, unable to do as much as get up on his feet.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked, voice raised and filled with far too much worry. Kim Dokja could practically hear his heart beating rapidly in his chest. “You can’t run away like that,” he continued, kneeling on the floor next to Kim Dokja. “You can’t,” he repeated. He sounded broken as we threw his arms over Kim Dokja, pulling the trembling man into a warm embrace. “You can’t,” he muttered against Kim Dokja’s shoulder. “I won’t let you.”

Kim Dokja looked down at the man holding him so tightly, like he was the most precious thing in the entire universe and simultaneously the most fragile and volatile.

It only brought more tears to his eyes.

“I don’t want this dream to end,” Kim Dokja uttered under his breath, nuzzling his face into Yoo Joonghyuk’s soft hair. “Please, I don’t want to wake up.”

***

It took at least ten minutes for Yoo Joonghyuk to regain his senses. He stood up and picked up Kim Dokja from the floor, bridal carrying him to the bed, only for Kim Dokja to react violently at the act. Kim Dokja refused to get back in bed, acting like a wild animal, more tears streaming down his face, voice rising in pitch with every refusal.

In the end, Yoo Joonghyuk realised that whatever was wrong couldn’t be fixed by trapping Kim Dokja under a pile of blankets and his embrace. And so, Yoo Joonghyuk handed a sweater to Kim Dokja and led him out of the bedroom and into the living room.

“I’ll make you a drink,” Yoo Joonghyuk said, forcing Kim Dokja to sit down on the couch. “Stay here. I’m serious.”

“I know,” Kim Dokja replied. It was more of a croak with how hoarse his voice had become from all the crying. “I’m not going anywhere.”

And he didn’t. He sat diligently until Yoo Joonghyuk returned from the kitchen, two mugs of steaming tea in his hands.

Yoo Joonghyuk handed one of the mugs to Kim Dokja - the one Shin Yoosung gave him, the one that had WORLD’S #1 DAD printed on it. Kim Dokja doubted the statement, but that didn’t stop him from shedding tears when Shin Yoosung handed it to him soon after his release from the hospital.

“Thanks.”

With that, Yoo Joonghyuk sat down next to Kim Dokja. He turned his body towards the smaller man, eyeing him carefully for any signs of anything wrong. Of course, there were none. There wasn’t anything wrong with Kim Dokja that could be seen with the naked eye. Yoo Joonghyuk probably knew that, but he was as thorough as ever.

When Kim Dokja still didn’t say anything after five minutes had ticked by, Yoo Joonghyuk reached out for his hand. He held onto it with both of his.

“I know you don’t like to talk about your feelings, but you really should.”

An airy chuckle left Kim Dokja. “You’re saying that to me?” He joked.

“Kim Dokja…”

“Right, not the time to be mister smarty pants,” Kim Dokja said, looking down at the trails of steam rising from his mug on the coffee table. “Not after that whole stunt, huh.” He exhaled deeply, shoulders slouching.

But still, he didn’t say anything else.

Yoo Joonghyuk was right: he hated speaking about his feelings.

“You’re having nightmares, aren’t you?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked, breaking the tense silence.

“You could say that,” Kim Dokja replied. He glanced at Yoo Joonghyuk from the corner of his eyes, looking away when he met the man’s strong gaze. “A nightmare,” he uttered, clasping his hands together and rubbing his thumb over the other for comfort.

Yoo Joonghyuk inched closer.

But of course, Kim Dokja didn’t say more. That was always the case when talking about his feelings.

“I have nightmares too,” Yoo Joonghyuk confessed, finally breaking the thick silence. This wasn’t too shocking of a revelation to Kim Dokja. No matter what, Yoo Joonghyuk lived a long and tedious life and he saw too much death and suffered enough pain and grief for him to be able to fully avoid nightmares. Kim Dokja guessed that Yoo Joonghyuk was plagued by nightmares, but he never mentioned it - he didn’t think he had the right to do that.

However, Kim Dokja wasn’t expecting what Yoo Joonghyuk said next.

“They’re mostly about you,” the man stated.

“Me?” Kim Dokja questioned, looking over at Yoo Joonghyuk.

“Yes, you,” Yoo Joonghyuk confirmed.

“Am I that terrifying?” Kim Dokja attempted to laugh, but he couldn’t find the strength for it.

Yoo Joonghyuk sighed. “In those dreams I… I’m always unable to save you,” he explained. “You never woke up after you died the first, second, or third time. Each dream is a new timeline devoid of you. And sometimes,” Yoo Joonghyuk continued, reaching for Kim Dokja’s hands. He held onto them, bringing the man’s attention to him. 

When Kim Dokja looked in his eyes, he saw that they were shaking. Yoo Joonghyuk hated being vulnerable, he hated showing his moments of weakness, so for him to be willing to do so now must have meant something.

“You just disappear,” Yoo Joonghyuk said. The hint of gold behind his eyes flickered with a twinge of pain, allowing Kim Dokja to understand that that was Yoo Joonghyuk’s greatest fear. “You disappear right in front of my eyes, and no matter how hard I try to hold onto you, it’s always futile. I'm never able to save you.”

Kim Dokja swallowed the lump forming in his throat. Never in a million years could he have guessed that he’d be the cause of Yoo Joonghyuk’s nightmares. He knew that all of his deaths and sacrifices left a sour taste in the mouths of his companions, but he didn’t expect the same to apply to Yoo Joonghyuk - not to this extent at least.

“I want to save you,” Yoo Joonghyuk added. “And that means helping you get over whatever you’re struggling with. If I can’t help, how can I be sure that you won’t leave?” The implication behind those words caused Kim Dokja’s heart to clench. Leave . It wasn’t difficult to understand what he meant by that. “So let me help.”

“I… I’m not sure that’s possible,” Kim Dokja stated. He looked down at Yoo Joonghyuk’s hands holding his. The tough, calloused skin was oddly soothing to the touch. He could feel all of the tenderness amidst everything, and it felt so real.

And that was the issue, wasn’t it?

“It all feels too real,” Kim Dokja uttered.

“The dream?”

Kim Dokja nodded. “I don’t even know if it is a dream,” he said. “It feels like it’s real and that this is the actual dream.”

“This as in us right now, here? This whole life?”

“Everything after waking up in the hospital feels like a dream,” Kim Dokja explained. “Like it’s all a figment of my imagination, keeping me sane as I spend the rest of time locked away in that subway as you- as you’re all living your lives happily with my avatar, happy and free and- and without me,” he said, more hot, salty tears welling up behind his eyes. 

He didn’t think it was possible to cry anymore than he already had, but apparently he was gravely wrong.

“I fall asleep here and wake up in the subway,” Kim Dokja continued, the words spilling out of him uncontrollably. “I read and stay up the whole time, and when I finally go to sleep I wake up here. I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t anymore, and I’m terrified of the truth! None of this makes sense, none of it! The fact that all of you saved me doesn’t make sense; you should have just left me because there was no reason to save me in the end. There was no reason for you to risk everything to get me back. But more specifically, there was no reason for you to do all of it for me, nor is there a reason for you to love me. I feel crazy any time I think about everything that’s happened. So tell me, am I wrong for not believing any of this is real?” Kim Dokja was full on crying at that point, the question coming out broken - almost a plea to be freed from the constant mental turmoil he was in.

All Yoo Joonghyuk had to do was admit that this was a dream and set Kim Dokja free.

But that never happened.

“Yes,” Yoo Joonghyuk replied sternly. “You’re wrong. You’re wrong about everything.” He let go of Kim Dokja’s hands and instead grabbed his face, squishing his cheeks together and keeping the man in place, ensuring Kim Dokja stared him right in the eyes. “We saved you because we all love you, you stupid, self-sacrificing bastard! You fought with us - for us - and we did the same for you because you’re family and you would have done the same for every single one of us.” 

Yoo Joonghyuk’s grip on Kim Dokja’s face grew stronger, matching with the intensity of his words and gaze. Kim Dokja wanted to whimper and fight and run, but he simultaneously wanted to hear everything that left Yoo Joonghyuk’s mouth.

“You’re infuriating, annoying, self-sacrificing, self-deprecating, dense and my god do you know how to get on my nerves,” Yoo Joonghyuk continued. “But you’re also caring, considerate, and loveable in your own, infuriating way. You are worthy of love, and you are loved - by our companions and by me. So yes , you’re wrong, because all of us have felt the same way for the longest time. You were just too blind to realise by yourself. So I’ll make sure you get that through that thick skull of yours,” Yoo Joonghyuk declared, forcing their foreheads together. “You’ll learn just how loved you are and then you’ll stop having that dream, because that’s all it is: a dream . It preys on your insecurities and fears and I’ll make sure you get rid of it, because I love you, you fool!”

The room fell into silence, quiet enough to hear a pin drop from the street outside.

Yoo Joonghyuk kept holding onto Kim Dokja’s face, maintaining eye contact with him.

Kim Dokja had stopped crying at last, completely stunned by Yoo Joonghyuk’s words. Even if he understood everything that was said, it was still a lot to process. For someone who spent his entire life thinking being loved was something impossible, it really was hard to get used to the fact that he was wrong. It would take him a long time to truly accept it, especially considering the fact that all his companions have been telling him the very same thing for so long.

Finally, Kim Dokja closed his eyes.

That was enough for Yoo Joonghyuk to let go.

“My cheeks hurt now, so thanks for that,” Kim Dokja muttered.

“Kim Dokja-”

“And for everything,” Kim Dokja continued. “Thanks. Means a lot coming from you.”

At that, a faint smile appeared on Yoo Joonghyuk’s face. It was a rather rare sight, but it was always appreciated. He once more reached up to Kim Dokja’s face, this time gently wiping some of the wetness away from his cheeks. Once most of the tear streaks were taken care of, he leaned in to place a soft kiss on Kim Dokja’s lips.

“Let’s go back to bed,” Yoo Joonghyuk suggested. “You’re losing out on vital beauty sleep.”

Kim Dokja scoffed. “Wanna say that again, asshole?”

Yoo Joonghyuk smirked but he said nothing. He stood up and made his way over to the bedroom, knowing full well Kim Dokja would follow after him.

He was right.

By the time the men woke up, their mugs of tea were long cold, but at least Kim Dokja was well rested for the first time in weeks.

***

Getting over the nightmares wasn’t easy, per say, but it was possible. By the time Kim Dokja’s birthday came around, they were limited to once a week as opposed to everyday which was impressive progress all things considered. Finally, he was able to get a full night’s rest more often than not, and the fact that he wasn’t waking up in the middle of the night and getting up also seemed to improve Yoo Joonghyuk’s sleep too. 

Granted, decreasing the frequency of his nightmares was one thing, but getting rid of the insecurities that haunted him was something completely different; that was something that he couldn’t work through that easily, but he was trying.

“You sure look better,” Jung Heewon commented from across the table. "It’s rare to see you without eyebags,” she added.

“With the trophy husband role it’s a given,” Han Sooyoung mused. “He can’t even cook, for crying out loud!” To make her point, Han Sooyoung pointed over at Yoo Joonghyuk sat next to Kim Dokja. The man was currently in charge of grilling the meat, and any time Kim Dokja tried to help he was shooed away like a pesky cat getting in the way. “What, you’re probably a pillow princess too, huh?”

Kim Dokja choked on the water he was drinking. It shot up his nose and resulted in a coughing fit which garnered the attention of the kids bickering at the other side of the table. Everyone else paid him no mind, and after a slap on the back from Yoo Joonghyuk, Kim Dokja pulled himself together.

Han Sooyoung smirked, eyeing the way blood rushed to Kim Dokja’s face and painted the tips of his ears red. She was thoroughly amused, and Kim Dokja wasn’t sure if denying what she said was a good idea. What was he supposed to say? Oh we haven’t slept together yet! That would have only made Han Sooyoung laugh and call him a loser.

Yoo Sangah who was sitting next to Han Sooyoung looked away, not interested in hearing anything else that came out her mouth.

“You…” 

“All I’m saying is that you’re spoiled rotten,” Han Sooyoung stated, drinking more of her beer nonchalantly. “It’s good. At least you don’t look like the embodiment of death everywhere you go.”

“I never looked like-” Kim Dokja stopped in his tracks when he met Jung Heewon’s eyes. They made it very clear that what Han Sooyoung was saying was indeed true. “It was never that bad.”

“I think I've only ever seen you sleep properly once,” Jung Heewon said. “Always such a hypocrite.”

Kim Dokja bit his tongue. Sure, they were both right but why was he being dogpilled all of a sudden - on his birthday nonetheless!

Feeling cornered, Kim Dokja looked to Yoo Joonghyuk who was busy tending the grill. “Hey, Joonghyuk-ah, I’m being bullied,” he said, nudging Yoo Joonghyuk’s arm. “Offer me some support.”

Yoo Joonghyuk paused and took a look at Kim Dokja, offended that he had been interrupted. He looked at the man and then turned to glance at Han Sooyoung who playfully waved at him, a shit-eating grin on her face. Jung Heewon’s expression remained neutral.

After a few seconds of consideration, Yoo Joonghyuk spoke up. “Maybe you deserve it,” he said and brought his attention back to the grill, flipping the different cuts of meat so that they were cooked to perfection.

“Bastard,” Kim Dokja grumbled. He reached for his chopsticks and flipped a piece of meat over before Yoo Joonghyuk could do it, just to annoy him. Yoo Joonghyuk scowled in return.

“The patience of that man,” Han Sooyoung muttered. “Putting up with a child. I would have knocked you out ages ago.”

Yoo Sangah snorted.

“I haven’t even done anything!”

“Your presence is mildly irritating as it is,” Han Sooyoung explained.

“In the most endearing way,” Yoo Sangah added. “We’re glad you’re here.” Saying that, she kicked Han Sooyoung under the table.

“I never said we weren’t,” Han Sooyoung grumbled. “Jeez.”

It felt like his friends were walking on eggshells around him at times. Maybe that was to be expected when Kim Dokja did the very adult thing of talking about his feelings in detail with his friends. Once they learned about what had been eating Kim Dokja alive, they must have been more weary about how they acted around him. 

Of course, Han Sooyoung being Han Sooyoung showed her love and appreciation in the form of teasing. Kim Dokja truly did like that she hadn’t changed - she wouldn’t have been the same Han Sooyoung if she suddenly decided to act all nice and cordial around him. 

But Yoo Sangah was slightly different; to be fair, she and Han Sooyoung had been bickering for quite some time, so it made sense for Yoo Sangah to try and put Han Sooyoung in her place, but it felt odd at times. To Kim Dokja, Yoo Sangah was being too cautious when it came to Kim Dokja.

He’d have to tell her some time that he was okay and that she didn’t have to act like that around him.

“Here,” Yoo Joonghyuk said, placing a pile of grilled meat on Kim Dokja’s plate. “Eat.”

Yoo Joonghyuk plated the rest of the meat for everyone to share amongst themselves, having one plate for the kids and one for the adults at the table. In the end, he ensured that Kim Dokja had plenty for himself. So, as Han Sooyoung fought over a single piece of perfectly cooked meat with Lee Jihye (stealing from the kid’s pile because she deemed it an easier target), Kim Dokja happily ate his share.

Yoo Joonghyuk continued to grill, so Kim Dokja grabbed a leaf of lettuce and placed a piece of grilled pork belly and garnish he knew Yoo Joonghyuk liked on it. He wrapped it all up and pressed it to Yoo Joonghyuk’s lips, smiling to himself when the man opened his mouth and accepted the food with a hum. Yoo Joonghyuk told Kim Dokja to eat but he himself wasn’t, and Kim Dokja couldn’t have that.

Kim Dokja ate one, then two portions of meat and then made another for Yoo Joonghyuk, repeating this cycle until there was nothing left to feed either of them.

After a while, Lee Hyunsung managed to pry the meat tongs from Yoo Joonghyuk, taking over grilling duty so that Yoo Joonghyuk could actually spend the evening doing something other than feeding a hoard of people. Yoo Joonghyuk was reluctant and grumbled, but in the end caved in. Besides, he thought Kim Dokja might end up complaining about his zoned out state once they returned home.

When Yoo Joonghyuk joined in, Han Sooyoung was talking about her newest project, boasting about all the raving reviews she received as of now. Kim Dokja nodded away as if he wasn’t all that interested, but it was clear from the faint curve of his lips and a glimmer in his eyes that he was listening intently. 

Jung Heewon had already given up trying to talk with them, instead chatting away with Lee Hyunsung on the other side of the table. Then there was Yoo Sangah, butting in when she deemed whatever Han Sooyoung said as rubbish.

Either way, Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t particularly care what they were talking about as long as Kim Dokja was happy - and he was. This was the first time he spent his birthday with people he cherished. Kim Dokja had mentioned briefly to Yoo Joonghyuk how his birthdays were always spent alone, even as a child.

Knowing this, Yoo Joonghyuk scrapped his initial plan at the last minute and - quite literally in Han Sooyoung’s case - dragged everyone together. It was probably his fault for why everything was slightly disorganised and rushed since he had assumed that he would do something special for Kim Dokja’s birthday (as always a true romantic). In the end, he figured spending the day with his family would be better than whatever else Yoo Joonghyuk could have planned.

It was all worth it though; being able to see Kim Dokja smile, hear him laugh and talk with everyone, free from the pressure of scenarios and the exhaustion and heavy dread which came with them, was worth it.

There would be other days for whatever Yoo Joonghyuk had in store.

As Yoo Sangah and Han Sooyoung began bickering, losing track of any proper conversation they were having that could have possibly involved Kim Dokja, Yoo Joonghyuk stepped in to pay attention to the man.

“Wanna bet on the winner?” Kim Dokja whispered, leaning over towards Yoo Joonghyuk.

“It’s pointless,” Yoo Joonghyuk stated.

“Yeah,” Kim Dokja laughed. “It’s clearly Yoo Sangah.”

Yoo Joonghyuk hummed in agreement. Han Sooyoung had begun to stutter as Yoo Sangah raised her voice, leaving Han Sooyoung speechless and clearly winning the argument.

“Thanks by the way,” Kim Dokja said, glancing over at Yoo Joonghyuk before looking back at his glass of water. “I heard this was your idea. Though apparently it was very last minute.”

“I thought you’d prefer this to my other plan,” Yoo Joonghyuk admitted, earning a raised eyebrow from Kim Dokja.

“Oh? Were you envisioning a romantic getaway? One that also includes a life and death battle atop an active volcano?”

“Why would we do that?”

Kim Dokja shrugged. “Seems in character. Can’t have us getting too cosy.” Though, considering just how clingy Yoo Joonghyuk was, it also wouldn’t be too surprising if he decided to go all out and plan the most perfect romantic holiday imaginable. It was always fifty-fifty with that man.

“Well, there weren’t any active volcanoes involved.”

“What a relief.”

“Nor was there a battle to the death,” Yoo Joonghyuk added.

“But that’s the best part,” Kim Dokja said, looking back at Yoo Joonghyuk with a humoured smile. “I think it would be fun. I could totally take you in a fight.”

The sceptical look Yoo Joonghyuk gave Kim Dokja was enough to understand what his thoughts on that statement were.

“Still,” Kim Dokja resumed, playing with his glass of water. “Thanks - for even considering a plan. I can’t say anyone’s ever done anything like that for me. So yeah…”

Yoo Joonghyuk stared at Kim Dokja, his expression unreadable. That wasn’t anything new though; it had always been difficult to figure what the man was thinking or feeling at any given moment. Kim Dokja was used to that expression - or lack thereof.

“What would you want to do?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked after a brief silence.

“Are you asking for future reference?”

Yoo Joonghyuk nodded. At least he was honest.

“Well…” Kim Dokja sighed and slouched his shoulders, staring out in front of him. “I can’t exactly say I’ve ever thought about that. I never had the luxury of thinking about holidays back before the scenarios began,” he explained, looking back at Yoo Joonghyuk. The man clearly wanted a concrete answer from him. “But if I had to choose… I’d like to go to the beach. Somewhere warm with nice, clear water. A typical summer vacation.”

“That can be arranged.”

Kim Dokja chuckled. “I’m sure it can,” he agreed. “But what about you? Where does the great Yoo Joonghyuk want to go.”

Without missing a beat, Yoo Joonghyuk replied with flat but genuine “anywhere as long as you’re there.”

Kim Dokja felt his face flush, and unlike the rest of his friends, he couldn’t blame it on the alcohol. He could never fool himself into thinking Yoo Joonghyuk’s overly cheesy and romantic remarks didn’t affect him - because they did . But who could blame him? Yoo Joonghyuk was quite literally the man of his dreams, so he was definitely affected. But more than anything, having him acting like this towards Kim Dokja just ended up short circuiting his poor brain.

Embarrassed, Kim Dokja directed his attention to his drink, feeling the intense and sincere gaze from Yoo Joonghyuk linger on him. “Sunfish bastard,” he mumbled, bringing his glass up to his lips, taking a big drink of the cold water. “Can’t survive without me, can you?”

Yoo Joonghyuk didn't deny it.

Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

“Then let’s go to the beach,” Kim Dokja suggested. “Maybe the kids would like it too.” He peeked over at the kids sitting at the other end of the table. He could imagine them helping him bury Yoo Joonghyuk under a pile of sand, laughing as Yoo Joonghyuk kept grumbling but not doing anything about it.

“Maybe,” Yoo Joonghyuk muttered.

“Or were you picturing this as solely us two?”

The brief silence was enough of an answer. However, Yoo Joonghyuk did also reply. “Whatever you want.”

“Did that hurt you to say?”

No reply.

“Skiing seems fun too,” Kim Dokja continued. "Though I’d probably end up buried face first in a pile of snow if I tried.”

“It’s not difficult,” Yoo Joonghyuk pointed out.

“Yeah, for you . Not all of us are perfect at everything. And, quite frankly, I’d rather not have myself humiliate myself further in front of you.”

“You do that on a daily basis.”

“Wow, well there goes the rest of my dignity,” Kim Dokja sighed.

“You didn’t have much to start off with.”

“Bullying me on my own birthday? That’s a new low, even for you.”

Yoo Joonghyuk rolled his eyes, the corner of his lips tilted upwards. He was definitely enjoying himself. Well, he had a lot of catching up to do when it came to teasing and bickering with Kim Dokja. After all, they did spend quite some time separated from one another. At least this felt normal.

“Take some responsibility, Joonghyuk-ah, or my therapist will hear about this! You wouldn’t want that, right? What if they say you’re bad for me? I’d of course have to listen to their judgements-”

Yoo Joonghyuk leaned down to press a crude kiss to Kim Dokja’s lips, stopping him from his nonsensical ramblings. Kim Dokja’s eyes widened in shock, body tensing for a second before relaxing and thawing out. Yoo Joonghyuk was a brute but his kisses were enough to placate Kim Dokja.

“Don’t you ever shut up,” Yoo Joonghyuk muttered under his breath as he pulled away.

“I know you secretly love listening to me.”

“In your dreams.”

Kim Dokja smiled, leaning against Yoo Joonghyuk’s shoulder, ignoring the way Han Sooyoung kept gagging as she looked at them.

***

By the time Kim Dokja and Yoo Joonghyuk got back home it was already close to midnight. They probably could have stayed longer, but they were the only ones apart from the kids who didn’t drink. 

Han Sooyoung kept stopping her conversations every few minutes, looking like she was close to spilling her guts out any second. Yoo Sangah was a bit better, but she was on the verge of passing out, having drank nearly as much as Han Sooyoung. Lee Hyunsung and Jung Heewon were a bit better, but only incrementally so.

In the end, the night was called off and everyone parted ways. Kim Dokja waved everyone off, thanking them for coming before he himself made his way home in the passenger seat of Yoo Joonghyuk’s car. He read through the handmade cards the kids gave him earlier during the day. 

Shin Yoosung and Lee Gilyoung argued about whose card Kim Dokja liked better and there was really no way to get those two to stop once they were at it. Even Kim Dokja’s response of “I love them both equally” was met with a “liar” coming simultaneously from the two. In the end, Kim Dokja just left them to their own devices; they stopped their fight as soon as food was put on the table, so he didn’t have to worry about that anymore.

Each card contained a sweet message and a drawing. Lee Gilyoung drew himself and Kim Dokja atop Titano, both posing like superheroes with the Seoul landscape behind them. It brought a smile to Kim Dokja’s face. 

On the other hand, Shin Yoosung alos drew herself with Kim Dokja, but the rest of their companions were around them. Kim Dokja scanned the details the girl added, such as Yoo Joonghyuk’s accurately grumpy scowl. It was a spitting image of Yoo Joonghyuk. He had to put the picture on the fridge solely because of that.

“Do we have any magnets?” Kim Dokja asked once they were both inside. “For the fridge,” he added, lifting up the two cards in his hands.

Yoo Joonghyuk paused, his eyes flickering in thought.

Just like that, he walked off without a single word.

That probably meant he did have some.

Kim Dokja shrugged and walked towards the kitchen. He didn’t spend much time here, being shooed most of the time by Yoo Joonghyuk when he tried to cook something. It was probably for the best.

He placed the cards down on the kitchen counter and grabbed a glass, pouring himself some water. As he took a few sips of his drink, Kim Dokja glanced up at the clock hanging on the wall opposite him. 

There were still two minutes left until the end of the day. If this was any other birthday, he would be depressed; he would hate the end of his birthday, only because it meant the only day people would ever really pay any attention to him that wasn’t inherently hostile was coming to an end. But this time he was happy. At least this year, he was able to spend this day with the people he loved, and it wouldn’t be the last time that would happen for over a year.

Yoo Joonghyuk promptly returned to the kitchen. He brought with him two magnets which Kim Dokja recognised instantly.

“Han Sooyoung is gonna get an ego boost when she sees that,” Kim Dokja stated, watching as Yoo Joonghyuk pinned the two cards to the fridge with the two magnets gifted to them by Han Sooyoung. They were part of the merchandising for one of her novels.

“We’ll get new ones before she ever visits,” Yoo Joonghyuk assured.

“Good idea,” Kim Dokja agreed, a light laugh leaving him. He observed Yoo Joonghyuk struggle with deciding on the perfect alignment for the cards, finding it greatly amusing. Maybe there was something he was bad at. “Don’t put them right next to each other and at the same height, it looks odd.”

Yoo Joonghyuk took the advice. He could be obedient at times.

Kim Dokja grinned to himself, turning back around to place his empty glass down in the sink. He was just about to give it a rinse when he felt two muscular arms wrap around him, hands joined over his stomach. 

Yoo Joonghyuk leaned down to place a gentle kiss to Km Dokja’s exposed nape before resting his chin on the man’s shoulder. “Happy birthday,” he said, just as the clock was about to strike midnight.

“You had to wait to the very last second,” Kim Dokja mused. “People usually want to be the first to wish someone a happy birthday, you know? It makes them think they love the other person the most. In this case it was Han Sooyoung if you can believe it.”

“Well whose are you going to remember the most?”

“Probably Lee Hyunsung’s,” Kim Dokja replied truthfully. “Probably because he started crying.”

Yoo Joonghyuk tightened his hold around Kim Dokja at that answer. It was truly too easy to get him acting like a jealous, grumpy baby. He pressed his lips against Kim Dokja’s shoulder, placing a kiss through the fabric of his shirt. If Kim Dokja was to guess, he’d say that Yoo Joonghyuk’s expression consisted of a scowl.

“You’re a close second though,” Kim Dokja said, reaching up to ruffle Yoo Joonghyuk’s hair. “I admire the dramatic flare.”

Pleased, Yoo Joonghyuk cuddled up to Kim Dokja. He really was stuck to him, and in truth, Kim Dokja didn’t want to move. Kim Dokja could stay like this for the rest of the night, kept warm in Yoo Joonghyuk’s embrace, small kisses being peppered across his neck.

It felt nice being treasured like this - because that was what Yoo Joonghyuk did: he treasured Kim Dokja. It was most obvious when they were close like this; Yoo Joonghyuk clinged onto Kim Dokja with all his might, holding him like he never intended to let go. 

Every kiss - even the smallest ones - felt like Yoo Joonghyuk was gasping for air, fully dependent on Kim Dokja to keep him alive. The hands which trailed Kim Dokja’s body were worshipping, two pilgrims exploring all that there was, taking note of every dip and curve, engraving the image to memory.

Kim Dokja melted against Yoo Joonghyuk, allowing him to lay more kisses on his skin and drag his hands over Kim Dokja’s chest. Yoo Joonghyuk was relentless with his kisses, leaving no inch of Kim Dokja’s neck untouched. For easier access, Kim Dokja threw his head back, exposing the rest of his neck. In an instant, Yoo Joonghyuk pounced at the invitation, kissing down the man’s throat.

When Yoo Joonghyuk grazed his teeth across the hot skin, Kim Dokja shivered, the hands laying flat on the countertop curling into fists. Yoo Joonghyuk continued exploring any slither of skin laid bare to him, all whilst his hands teased the bottom of Kim Dokja’s untucked shirt.

Kim Dokja felt himself becoming weaker with every passing second, and when Yoo Joonghyuk finally dipped his hands beneath his shirt, dragging his large hands across Kim Dokja’s lean abdomen, he felt his heart pounding rapidly in his ribcage.

It was only when Yoo Joonghyuk nipped at the patch of skin just below his ear that Kim Dokja lost his restraint. An airy moan escaped through his lips, causing him to go rigid the exact moment he realised what just happened. When he froze, Yoo Joonghyuk stopped too, looking at Kim Dokja as if he was waiting for what he’d say.

Kim Dokja wanted to bury himself alive. No way he just moaned. That was embarrassing; Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t even do anything that revolutionary!

As if he could see the turmoil going on in Kim Dokja’s head, Yoo Joonghyuk smirked. He planted his chin on Kim Dokja’s shoulder once more. “That was pretty,” he stated, sounding smug. “You should do that again. I could help you,” he stated. “If you want that.”

It took Kim Dokja a second to process what Yoo Joonghyuk just said. “Are you… suggesting we…”

Yoo Joonghyuk raised his eyebrows, encouraging Kim Dokja to finish the sentence.

He couldn’t. Kim Dokja was beyond inexperienced in this department, and even saying the word sex around Yoo Joonghyuk made him want to curl up somewhere in a corner and hide from the world.

Give it up for the thirty year old virgin!

Realising this wasn’t going anywhere, Yoo Joonghyuk did the honours of finishing where Kim Dokja left off. “That we have sex?”

Kim Dokja scrunched his nose. No matter who said it, it didn’t sound right.

“Only if you want to,” Yoo Joonghyuk added. “We don’t have to. This is fine with me too.” To make his point, he took his hands out from under Kim Dokja’s shirt, simply joining them at his front in an innocent hug. He meant what he said, and Kim Dokja knew that full well. “I don’t want to force you into anything.”

Of course he’d say that. Of course he had to be the perfect man!

“I want to,” Kim Dokja admitted. He wanted to for a while now, and it was clear Yoo Joonghyuk was in the same boat, yet here they were, having done nothing about it for months. 

Kim Dokja had his reasons for not making a move though; first and foremost, his recovery didn’t magically conclude overnight. For the first few weeks after his discharge, he was tired and lacked the strength to do anything other than walk around a bit and maybe read a book. 

Secondly, Kim Dokja was too embarrassed. He knew there was no shame in still being a virgin, but bringing that small factor up to Yoo Joonghyuk was something he just didn’t want to do - he’d rather gnaw off his own hand than do that.

“I really want to,” Kim Dokja reiterated. 

“Good. I want to as well.”

“But I’m…” Kim Dokja waved his hands vaguely.

“A virgin?” The way Yoo Joonghyuk said those words felt like a direct hit to Kim Dokja’s pride, but he let it slide.

Kim Dokja sighed. “Yes.”

“I’m very much aware,” Yoo Joonghyuk stated. “I doubt someone who has never kissed anyone would have had sex.”

Well, that was true.

“Were you worried about that?”

“To an extent, yeah,” Kim Dokja admitted. He yelped in surprise when Yoo Joonghyuk spun him around so that his back was pressed against the counter and they were both facing each other. 

Yoo Joonghyuk’s lips were curved in an amused grin.

“Besides, it’s not like you made any moves,” Kim Dokja mused, feeling himself get backed further against the counter by Yoo Joonghyuk. The taller man took a small step closer, his hands firmly planted on Kim Dokja’s hips.

“It was hard to hold back.”

“Oh I bet, what, with how irresistible I am,” Kim Dokja laughed. “Loser salaryman becomes the face of sex appeal. You must have struggled.”

Yoo Joonghyuk pressed himself against Kim Dokja, fierce eyes staring directly at him. The intensity of that gaze caused Kim Dokja to gulp. “You’d be surprised,” Yoo Joonghyuk said, his voice low and husky.

“Y-yeah?” Kim Dokja cursed at himself for stuttering, but it became harder to keep himself composed when Yoo Joonghyuk in all of his protagonist glory stared at him like he wasn’t planning on letting Kim Dokja escape. It caused his heart to pound, hearing the erratic rhythm in his ears.

Yoo Joonghyuk snaked one hand behind Kim Dokja, dragging it down to the man’s ass. Kim Dokja gasped, feeling the firm hand squeeze the clothed fat, drawing Kim Dokja in closer until their crotches were joined together.

Kim Dokja attempted to escape Yoo Joonghyuk’s eyes, but before he could hide his face, Yoo Joonghyuk took his chin hostage between his thumb and index finger. The dark hunger behind Yoo Joonghyuk’s eyes made Kim Dokja weak in the knees, but it was the overwhelming sense of adoration from Yoo Joonghyuk that had him crooning. The noise slipped out without his permission, body acting on pure instinct.

That seemed to amuse Yoo Joonghyuk though. Kim Dokja had a feeling he wouldn’t be able to walk properly after this.

“Looks like you can use your mouth for things other than spewing nonsense,” Yoo Joonghyuk teased.

“Wow, insult me, why don’t you,” Kim Dokja said, exasperated. “No better way to get me in bed. You know-”

“See? Nonsense,” Yoo Joonghyuk interrupted. “I’d prefer if you went back to moaning.”

“First of all, I didn’t moan,” Kim Dokja argued. “And secondly, out of spite, I won’t- ahh !” His words faded out into a sound of pleasure when Yoo Joonghyuk rolled his hips against Kim Dokja, rubbing their fronts together. A jolt of electricity rushed through his body, now hyper-aware of the fact Yoo Joonghyuk was half hard already. “Bastard,” Kim Dokja managed to utter, hiding his face against Yoo Joonghyuk’s shoulder.

Smug, Yoo Joonghyuk smirked. “What was it that you were saying?” 

“You’re a- hnn ..” Kim Dokja bit down the moan caused by Yoo Joonghyuk rolling his hips once more, this time harsher, rubbing up against the bulge in Kim Dokja’s pants.

“You want to try again?”

“Bast- aah !”

Yoo Joonghyuk was getting off on this. “I didn’t get that. Again?”

Kim Dokja clenched his jaw and gripped on tightly to the fabric of Yoo Joonghyuk’s top. This was a form of torture he was willingly participating in for some deranged reason. “I said that you-”

This time, Yoo Joonghyuk squeezed Kim Dokja’s ass and pushed him closer. The abrupt movement caused Kim Dokja to grind against Yoo Joonghyuk’s erection harder than before, leaving him throwing his head back, a loud and clear moan spilling past his lips.

“Better,” Yoo Joonghyuk uttered, satisfied with the man in front of him. He didn’t hesitate for a second before he lunged forward to attack Kim Dokja’s exposed neck. Lips trailed hot skin, teeth scathed the flesh and bit, marking Kim Dokja all over. His tongue lapped over the red markings, tasting Kim Dokja’s sweetness. 

With his eyes rolling back in pleasure, Kim Dokja gripped on desperately to Yoo Joonghyuk. His hands wandered everywhere, tugging and holding onto anything he could. He dug his nails into the taller man’s shoulders before he realised it wasn’t enough to keep himself steady. So he continued until he found himself with one of his hands tangled in Yoo Joonghyuk’s hair, pulling on the black strands and forcing him to stay where he was.

Kim Dokja felt the smirk against his skin, sending a rush of arousal down to his crotch. His hips began rolling out of pure instinct, desperate to feel even more friction between him and Yoo Joonghyuk now that he got a taste of it. Months of pent up frustration were coming up to the surface, and now that he got this far, Kim Dokja wasn’t sure if he could stop.

Yoo Joonghyuk dipped his hands under the fabric of Kim Dokja’s shirt, running his hands up the bumps of Kim Dokja’s spine. The touch caused a shiver to course through Kim Dokja’s body, his hips stilling for a split second. Yoo Joonghyuk thought about how beautiful the man in front of him was - how the sounds he made were the most symphonies, and how desperately he needed to see and hear more.

Kim Dokja had already lost the composure he tried to hold onto, letting it crack and collapse with a few kisses and touches. It only made Yoo Joonghyuk more curious as to how good he could make the man feel once he stripped him and did all the things he had been holding himself from doing for so long for Kim Dokja’s sake. 

He wondered if any doubt Kim Dokja had about this being real - about the sincerity of Yoo Joonghyuk’s affection - could be dissipated by Yoo Joonghyuk. Could he prove his undying love like this?

In the end, Yoo Joonghyuk wasn’t the type to give up. He would try and try until he finally succeeded.

“Joonghyuk-ah,” Kim Dokja whined, his voice airy and needy. “I- please.”

“Please what?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked, whispering in Kim Dokja’s ear.

Kim Dokja bit down on his bottom lip, face flushed in embarrassment. He looked absolutely stunning, and only Yoo Joonghyuk had the honour of witnessing him like this.

“What do you want?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked. “I’ll give it to you. Whatever you want.”

But he still couldn’t pry the words out of Kim Dokja. Yoo Joonghyuk had to admit that it was endearing, even if Kim Dokja felt like his entire body was set aflame in shame.

Kim Dokja couldn’t get the words out of him. He knew what he wanted - god he needed it - but no matter how he tried, every time he saw Yoo Joonghyuk’s face, he felt like this was some sort of dream. Even now, he couldn’t force himself to believe this was real. 

He loved Yoo Joonghyuk and he knew that much. He also knew Yoo Joonghyuk loved him back, but at that moment every single insecurity of his began to bear its teeth.

Yoo Joonghyuk began to catch onto what was going on in Kim Dokja’s head. “This isn’t a dream,” he assured.

“Sounds like something a dream would say,” Kim Dokja argued.

Yoo Joonghyuk sighed, gently stroking Kim Dokja’s sides. The smaller man stopped his movements, looking rather guilty.

“I’m sorry,” Kim Dokja apologised meekly.

“Don’t. You don’t have to,” Yoo Joonghyuk said. “It’s okay. I shouldn’t have pushed you if you’re not ready.”

Kim Dokja’s lips quivered. He struggled to say the things he wanted when he himself didn’t believe he even fully deserved them. His head was a mess. “I…”

“It’s fine,” Yoo Joonghyuk reassured, placing a soft kiss on Kim Dokja’s forehead. “I’m happy to wait for as long as you need,” he added, driving the fact home.

Kim Dokja clenched his fists in Yoo Joonghyuk’s top, eyes pointed down at the little space in between their chests. He could feel Yoo Joonghyuk in front of him; he felt the heat of his body, the faint warmth of his breath brushing his skin; he could make out the man’s heartbeat, the blood flowing through his veins. 

The Yoo Joonghyuk stood so close to him was real, and he fought for Kim Dokja to know that. And now he stood there, looking at him with utmost care and love, all whilst Kim Dokja tried desperately to resist the thought that his existence was nothing more than a dream.

Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t budge, waiting for Kim Dokja to say whatever it was that he wanted to say. It made Kim Dokja think of a loyal - and quite overgrown - dog. Kim Dokja could also think of a few more similarities (the possessiveness, his occasional snarl, and so on), but the loyalty was the stand out point.

He was so desperate to feel more.

If there was one way to once and for all prove to Kim Dokja that he had long ago woken up from the tortuous nightmare he was stuck in, it would be to have him experience love he could never comprehend was possible in his life. And how lucky was he to have Yoo Joonghyuk so willing to do just that? There was no way he could just push away this opportunity (though he could, he was an idiot afterall).

With a shaky exhale, Kim Dokja looked up at Yoo Joonghyuk. The intensity of Yoo Joonghyuk’s gaze would have otherwise made him feel like shrivelling away, but now it felt encouraging.

Kim Dokja’s tongue peeked across his lips, wetting them, though that didn’t help with the dryness in his throat.

“I really want you to…” Kim Dokja began, avoiding Yoo Joonghyuk’s eyes briefly to utter the next part. “To have sex with me.”

“Are you sure? You-”

“Listen here you bastard!” Kim Dokja interrupted, pushing aside any embarrassment he just felt to yell. “I want you to fuck me, okay? You’re- you’re gonna haul me to the bedroom and make me know how much you love me so that I can finally stop thinking this is a dream because in no universe would I ever believe someone could love me to a meaningful degree!” 

Yoo Joonghyuk was shell shocked. In all honesty, Kim Dokja also didn’t know where that came from. Maybe it was a moment of weakness, or strength, that allowed him to break through the wall he had built around himself. Whatever it was though, Kim Dokja doubted his ability to recreate this moment.

But Yoo Joonghyuk still wasn’t moving.

“Now will you do something before I take back everything I said and cry in the shower?”

Snapped out of his daze, Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t waste a single second. He picked Kim Dokja up, earning a surprised yelp from the smaller man as he struggled to quickly wrap his limbs around Yoo Joonghyuk.

“Yoo Joonghyuk! What the hell are you doing?” Kim Dokja exclaimed as he scrambled to secure himself around the taller man.

“I’m hauling you to the bedroom,” Yoo Joonghyuk replied, his amusement overshadowed by a sense of urgency that wasn’t there before. He really was taking this quite seriously.

“A warning would have been nice,” Kim Dokja grumbled, nestling his face in the crook of Yoo Joonghyuk’s neck. He knew Yoo Joonghyuk was strong, but he didn’t expect to be picked up so easily as if he weighed no more than a couple of grapes. If Yoo Joonghyuk wanted to, he could probably fling Kim Dokja quite far - but that wasn’t something Kim Dokja wanted to try out.

Yoo Joonghyuk carefully navigated towards the bedroom, pushing the slightly ajar door with his foot to open it. He took large steps to the bed and finally gently laid down Kim Dokja on the firm mattress. Only when he also climbed on the bed, large frame hovering over Kim Dokja, did the situation fully hit Kim Dokja.

This was actually happening.

“Are you okay?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked, his hands on either side of Kim Dokja’s head.

Kim Dokja nodded.

Yoo Joonghyuk waited a second, then two, but when Kim Dokja didn’t say anything he gave up. He would have to deal with a nod. “Okay,” he said, looking down at Kim Dokja with a bright, warm flame behind his golden eyes before adding on a “tell me if you want to stop at any point.”

Before Kim Dokja had a chance to say anything (though it wasn’t as if he was going to do that in the first place) Yoo Joonghyuk leaned down to press their lips together. It was tender, lacking the hunger which consumed Yoo Joonghyuk back in the kitchen. This was something less animalistic and more resolute.

Kim Dokja sighed against Yoo Joonghyuk, his lips parting slightly at the soft touch. Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t instantly jump at the opportunity to slip his tongue in Kim Dokja’s mouth, instead lingering for a bit with the simple kiss. It sent a strange rush of warmth through Kim Dokja’s body, his heart expanding the longer Yoo Joonghyuk stayed where he was.

Finally, Yoo Joonghyuk licked into Kim Dokja’s mouth, smiling at the soft mewl coming from the man below him. With that, Kim Dokja knew he was gone. Yoo Joonghyuk knew exactly what to do to make him lose all control, becoming a pliant mess on their large bed. 

His hands knew exactly where to touch to undo the tension and reservation riddling Kim Dokja’s lithe frame. Each touch felt deliberate, engraving every detail into memory, the way Kim Dokja felt under his hands, how he reacted to a touch here and a touch there; Yoo Joonghyuk was determined to learn everything there was to know.

Yoo Joonghyuk sucked on Kim Dokja’s tongue, relishing in the debased moan rising out of the man. He grinned into the kiss, dragging his hand up Kim Dokja’s torso under his shirt until he reached what he was searching for. The nub was perked up, hard against Yoo Joonghyuk’s calloused fingertips. He pressed down on the nipple, rolling it around between his fingers.

Kim Dokja struggled to breathe in between everything that was happening. His kissing became sloppy until he gave up completely, his body completely preoccupied with the new sensation provided by Yoo Joonghyuk’s hand. He gasped when Yoo Joonghyuk pulled away, his lips glossy with their saliva. 

Yoo Joonghyuk seemed more than pleased with the state Kim Dokja was in, his attentive eyes admiring all that was put on display. Despite being fully dressed, Kim Dokja felt utterly exposed under that strong gaze and he shifted, though that really didn’t do more than make his erection more noticeable with how it rubbed against his pants.

Amused, Yoo Joonghyuk leaned down to leave heated kisses along Kim Dokja’s flushed neck. “No need to be shy,” he muttered, the hand which played with Kim Dokja’s nipple slowly leaving his chest.

Kim Dokja whimpered. He wasn’t entirely sure if he was relieved that his nipple was left alone or if he wanted more, even if it began to hurt the longer Yoo Joonghyuk teased it. The latter was by far more embarrassing to admit, but it also seemed to be the case.

“You like that, don’t you?” Yoo Joonghyuk said, sounding less like a question and more like a statement. Kim Dokja wanted to wipe that smug look off his face, but no matter what he could do would only entertain Yoo Joonghyuk more, in turn leaving him more embarrassed than he already was. “Noted,” he added, swiftly undoing the buttons to Kim Dokja’s shirt.

“Wait!” Kim Dokja cried out, face bright red. Yoo Joonghyuk stopped and leaned back just enough to look at Kim Dokja. He seemed worried at first, but the longer he stared at Kim Dokja, eyes wide in horror, the less concerned he got. Instead, Yoo Joonghyuk ended up continuing to undo all the buttons, internally cursing at how finicky they were. “Wa-wait I-”

“It’s nothing I haven’t seen before,” Yoo Joonghyuk interrupted.

“But- I- ah… umm…”

Unimpressed, Yoo Joonghyuk raised his eyebrow.

Kim Dokja would much rather be buried alive. “Th-then turn off the lights!”

Yoo Joonghyuk wasn’t having any of Kim Dokja’s words, no matter how hard Kim Dokja tried to hide away, Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t stop until he finally undid the last of the small buttons and pulled the shirt open, revealing Kim Dokja’s pale chest.

Kim Dokja had quite frankly never felt this naked - and it would only get worse.

It was clear that he couldn’t cover himself up, so to avoid any more feelings of humiliation, Kim Dokja hid behind his hands. Yoo Joonghyuk had seen him plenty of times before; they got dressed in the same room, they shared a bathroom and on a few occasions Kim Dokja ended up going to bed without putting on a t-shirt, so the sight of his bare chest wasn’t something new to Yoo Joonghyuk. 

However, it was different now. Yoo Joonghyuk never saw him like this, and now more than ever did Kim Dokja feel exposed.

Kim Dokja didn’t have refined muscles like Yoo Joonghyuk; most of what little muscles he had were long gone after being bedridden in a comma for so long, and even with the exercise he did do he couldn’t compare to his old self - the one pushing through scenario to scenario - let alone Yoo Joonghyuk.

He didn’t hate his body and appearance, deeming himself to be moderately average. However, he did feel inadequate. Was he really the type of person worthy of standing by Yoo Joonghyuk? Was he really the type of person Yoo Joonghyuk would find attractive?

“I-” Whatever Kim Dokja wanted to say died out at the touch of Yoo Joonghyuk’s lips against his stomach.

It was gentle, almost unnoticeable if not for the fact that Kim Dokja was hyper aware of everything happening to him in his current state.

One kiss became two then became three. Yoo Joonghyuk said nothing as he peppered soft kisses along the milky skin, his eyes admiring all that there was for him to explore.

The silence, whilst heavy, calmed Kim Dokja’s unsteady heart. Other than the airy breaths and faint rustling of clothes and the bedsheet underneath, the room was quiet enough to hear the wind howling on the other side of the window. He focused on his breathing, slowly relaxing into the mattress as more kisses adorned his torso.

Yoo Joonghyuk added some pressure into his kisses, filling each one with more and more of his affection until Kim Dokja realised what he was doing. It took longer than expected for Kim Dokja to catch on as to where his lips were heading, but Yoo Joonghyuk thought it was worth the wait when Kim Dokja reached for his hair and pulled on it, forcing his swollen lips away from the delicate skin he wished to explore fully and mark until there was no patch untouched.

“Th-that’s enough,” Kim Dokja stated, voice wavering, feeling overwhelmed and embarrassed by the bombardment of affection from Yoo Joonghyuk.

“I don’t think so,” Yoo Joonghyuk disagreed. He didn’t have to fight against Kim Dokja since the man’s grip on his hair loosened a mere second after.

Kim Dokja once more wanted to hide his face. Yoo Joonghyuk’s lips traversed his body, worshipping it with the dedication of the most loyal believer. 

Yoo Joonghyuk wanted Kim Dokja to feel his dedication, his undying devotion towards him. He needed Kim Dokja to know exactly how much he cherished every inch of him - even the parts Kim Dokja didn’t want him to see. Yoo Joonghyuk needed Kim Dokja to know just how loved he was, because he himself would never realise it on his own.

The realisation that that was what it was - worship, admiration, complete devotion - left Kim Dokja struggling to breathe. Even in his wildest dreams, he never imagined something like this happening to him. Yet here he was, laid out beneath Yoo Joonghyuk who was showering him with his affection.

It felt too good to be true. But it was real. Kim Dokja was sure of it.

Slowly, Yoo Joonghyuk’s kisses trailed lower and lower until he was met with a wall in the form of Kim Dokja’s pants. He looked up at Kim Dokja, waiting for a sign.

Kim Dokja exhaled, a fair mix of terrified, excited and baffled. He wanted to laugh and cry and run away all at once. This was something that he was not prepared for in the slightest, and now that Yoo Joonghyuk was hovering above his crotch, it finally hit him like a freight train.

“Are you gonna suck my dick?”

“Depends, are you going to let me?”

Kim Dokja covered his face, tilting his head up to avoid having to look at the other man. His entire face was bright red, embarrassed beyond comprehension. “This isn’t happening,” he muttered to himself.

“If you don’t want-”

“Shh!” Kim Dokja interrupted. “Stay where you are but just- just give me a moment,” he said, dragging his palm across his face. “This is a lot to take in.”

Yoo Joonghyuk’s lips twitched upwards, clearly finding Kim Dokja’s response amusing. Still, he said nothing and allowed the other man to come to grips with reality - that being that his sexy boyfriend who he may or may not have fantasised about a few times in his life was actually about to have sex with him. Something like that isn’t all that easy to comprehend.

In the end, Kim Dokja managed to pull himself together. His face wasn’t as red as a traffic light at the very least.

With a shaky exhale, Kim Dokja uttered a meek “okay.”

That was all that Yoo Joonghyuk needed to hear before he undid the zip and buttons of Kim Dokja’s pants. He pulled them off - though with a bit of struggle since Kim Dokja failed to realise he had to lift his ass up for a few solid seconds - and tossed them aside, the fabric falling onto the bedroom floor.

And there Kim Dokja lay, practically naked on their shared bed, all whilst Yoo Joonghyuk remained fully dressed. 

“I don’t think this is entirely fair,” the older man stated, pointing his finger at his and Yoo Joonghyuk’s different states of undress.

Yoo Joonghyuk glanced down and shrugged. Wordlessly, he took off his own shirt, leaving his muscular chest exposed.

Kim Dokja gulped. “You know, that’s also so unfair.” Of course, he had seen Yoo Joonghyuk without a shirt many times and he took time to appreciate (read: ogle) the man’s physique when he had the chance, but now that they were in this position, Kim Dokja wanted to hide his own frame. “How am I supposed to compete with that?”

“You’re not,” Yoo Joonghyuk replied.

The older man sucked in his bottom lip, fighting the strongest urge to cover himself up. “At least turn off the lights.”

“No. I want to see you.”

“But-”

Now it was Yoo Joonghyuk’s turn to shut him up. The younger man leaned down and pressed their lips together, forcing Kim Dokja’s words to die as soon as he spoke them. His calloused hand cupped Kim Dokja’s jaw, holding him in place so that he couldn’t escape.

Knowing it was futile, Kim Dokja gave in. It was for the better considering how he began to relax from the kiss. His lips parted and allowed for Yoo Joonghyuk to slip in, setting a slow tempo to steady Kim Dokja’s rapidly beating heart.

Kim Dokja began to get himself lost in the pleasant feeling, wrapping his arms around Yoo Joonghyuk, needing more and more kisses from the man. Despite their relationship, Kim Dokja was still too scared - or awkward, or both - to one: initiate kisses, and two: demand more kisses. However, as he was now, the reservations that were usually in place faded away and Kim Dokja started getting greedy. Even Yoo Joonghyuk seemed shocked by the fact, but he did nothing to stop the other, instead indulging him in what he clearly craved.

After more kisses than he’s had in his entire life until that point, Kim Dokja gasped when Yoo Joonghyuk’s hand sneakily found itself at his crotch, palm pressing into the man’s erection.

He had no time to say anything before Yoo Joonghyuk pressed down harder and then lifted off, repeating the motion a few times, drawing out a noise out of Kim Dokja with each movement. If he hadn’t had all his senses kissed out of him, and if it didn’t feel so good, he would have most likely been mortality ashamed of the sounds leaving him, but now he couldn’t find it in himself to care as much.

Seeing how he was enjoying this, Yoo Joonghyuk decided to finally slip his finger under the band of Kim Dokja’s boxers, tugging at the thin fabric to lower it. There was a moment in which Kim Dokja stilled, realising what was happening. However, as Yoo Joonghyuk resumed kissing him, he let it happen.

Learning from before, Kim Dokja slightly lifted himself up from the mattress, allowing the other man to discard the last article of clothing on him. 

Now fully naked - and not so afraid - Kim Dokja shuddered. He felt himself pulling away from Yoo Joonghyuk’s lips, looking up at him through his lashes. He wasn’t expecting to be met with such a powerful, dark gaze, yet there it was. It made his stomach do a flip and his dick twitch in arousal.

“What now?” Kim Dokja asked, averting his gaze to look in between their closely pressed bodies. This was not a sight he was expecting, truth be told.

Yoo Joonghyuk smiled; it was quite a new expression on him (not the smiling, just the whole look of it all), seemingly a mixture of arousal, cockiness and a large amount of affection that somehow didn’t feel out of place. “Just sit back and relax.”

“Easier said than done,” Kim Dokja uttered as Yoo Joonghyuk pulled away and started to move down faster than Kim Dokja could realise.

The man trailed Kim Dokja’s body with more kisses whilst his hands dragged along the fair skin. He rubbed the faint scars scattered here and there - a reminder of his fights and struggles. Each ministration was filled with utmost adoration, leaving Kim Dokja breathless and burning. And the lower he went, the harder it became to stop the thrumming in his ears, heart pounding rhythmically like a drum.

Yoo Joonghyuk reached Kim Dokja’s lower half, and much to the man’s relief, he didn’t go for his erection straight away. How very considerate of him. He instead peppered the soft skin of Kim Dokja’s inner thigh with delicate kisses, the brush of his lips sending shivers up the man’s spine. With a firm hold on his thigh, Yoo Joonghyuk liften Kim Dokja’s leg up, granting him better access.

The kisses never ceased and Kim Dokja comfortably rested his leg on Yoo Joonghyuk’s shoulder, getting used to the position he found himself in. Kim Dokja found himself getting lost in the pleasure which came with Yoo Joonghyuk’s unrelenting attention; he revelled in the way Yoo Joonghyuk would scrape his teeth across his skin, sensitive from being ravished by the man’s mouth. He’d gasp and whine at all the touches, his fingers tangling in the bed sheets when Yoo Joonghyuk sucked a mark into his flesh.

He became fully immersed in the bliss of it all, so when Yoo Joonghyuk finally gave attention to his weeping cock, Kim Dokja felt no shame at the moan which left him. His head felt like it was filled with cotton as Yoo Joonghyuk easily took him in his mouth, surrounding the man with soft, wet warmth that had him tugging at the sheets.

Kim Dokja wasn’t sure if he was just so inexperienced or if Yoo Joonghyuk was just so amazing at giving head, but he felt like he could die from his brain short-circuiting. The way Yoo Joonghyuk took him in, his tongue rubbing against his cock, made his toes curl. Scorching heat pooled in his groin, threatening to erupt any minute now - especially when Yoo Joonghyuk ended up making eye contact with him, eyes dark and filled with determination.

Kim Dokja moaned, throwing his head back when the man between his legs dragged the lips around him up, the sensation maddening. “Fuck,” he muttered, throwing his arm over his face, fist clenched tight. “I don’t- I’m- oh god !”

Yoo Joonghyuk sunk back down, swallowing around the base of Kim Dokja’s cock before pulling himself back up and repeating the process until the man was twitching and tensing without any control over his own body. More and more precum kept leaking out of his swollen cock head, the salty liquid collected on Yoo Joonghyuk’s tongue. It wouldn’t take him much longer before he couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“I’m- I’m gonna- Stop,” Kim Dokja uttered, his words broken by ragged breaths. He reached for Yoo Joonghyuk, burying his slender fingers in the man’s black hair, tugging at it to get him off. 

Though met with some resistance on Yoo Joonghyuk’s part, Kim Dokja managed to pull the man away from his aching cock. As much as he was enjoying himself, the thought of finishing in Yoo Joonghyuk’s mouth was mortifying.

Yoo Joonghyuk grinned, leaving the spot in between Kim Dokja’s legs that he had gotten intimately familiar with, heading instead to press hot kisses into his jaw, his neck and shoulder.

Only when Yoo Joonghyuk’s clothed cock rubbed against Kim Dokja did he realise that the man had been completely neglected. But before that realisation came, Kim Dokja moaned - almost cried - at the friction. He was about to burst at the seams and Yoo Joonghyuk was the culprit.

“What do you want?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked, voice deep and low, hot breath fanning against Kim Dokja’s burning skin. “Anything you want.” The kisses never stopped, his lips exploring every sliver of skin available to him, committing every detail to memory as if Kim Dokja was the world and he a cartographer. “Anything,” he repeated.

Kim Dokja swallowed the lump in his throat, twirling Yoo Joonghyuk’s dark locks in between his fingers. 

“You,” he uttered. “I want you.” He meant it in every sense of the word. And judging by the way Yoo Joonghyuk raised himself, gazing at Kim Dokja with a softened look in his eyes, the sentiment was reciprocated.

“That can be done,” Yoo Joonghyuk stated, kissing the corner of Kim Dokja’s mouth. He then sat up, leaving Kim Dokja feeling uncomfortably cold.

Yoo Joonghyuk undid the zip of his trousers before pulling them and his underwear down in one go.

Kim Dokja just stared, mouth agape.

The other man didn’t seem to notice since he promptly turned to rummage through his bedside table, pulling out a small bottle of lube and a foil packet. He glanced down at Kim Dokja once he had the items, offering him a reassuring smile, but that didn’t do much to stop the violent pounding against Kim Dokja’s chest. 

Now that he was coming to terms with just what exactly would happen next, Kim Dokja wondered how he would actually handle it. But surely, it was doable. Surely he wouldn’t end up being split apart. Right?

Noticing the internal turmoil, Yoo Joonghyuk stroked Kim Dokja’s sides. “You okay?”

“Peachy.”

Yoo Joonghyuk shook his head, amused. “It’ll be fine, trust me. But we can stop anytime. Okay?”

Kim Dokja nodded.

Slowly, Yoo Joonghyuk spread Kim Dokja’s legs open and he kneeled in between them. He grabbed the bottle of lubricant and uncapped it, pouring some of the substance onto his palm, rubbing it to warm it up.

Kim Dokja watched intently, feeling his throat tighten. He was simultaneously more than ready and terrified of what was to come next.

Yoo Joonghyuk urged Kim Dokja to wrap his legs around him so that it would be easier for the both of them. The man obliged and repositioned himself, feeling even more exposed than before. Still, the kiss to his thigh did a pretty decent job at making him feel a bit more comfortable.

“Tell me whenever you want to stop.”

Kim Dokja gasped when Yoo Joonghyuk’s finger rubbed against his rim, teasing the ring of muscle until he felt like the initial shock of the touch wore off. He leaned himself forward, hovering above Kim Dokja, their lips brushing.

Just as he pushed one digit through the tight entrance, he captured Kim Dokja’s lips for a kiss. The older man mewled into the exchange, struggling to kiss Yoo Joonghyuk back as his attention was solely drawn to the foreign sensation below his waist. This was completely uncharted territory for him, so it took him a bit longer than expected to get used to having Yoo Joonghyuk’s finger nestled within him.

After what felt like an eternity, Kim Dokja felt strong enough to kiss Yoo Joonghyuk back, signalling for the man to move.

Carefully, Yoo Joonghyuk began to spread Kim Dokja with his finger, and when one was easy enough for the man to take, he slipped in another. That was met with more resistance and Kim Dokja dug his nails into Yoo Joonghyuk’s back, hissing at the unusual spread. Still, even that was manageable after a while.

Kim Dokja’s eyes nearly rolled to the back of his head when Yoo Joonghyuk introduced a third. Now that was a challenge. The wind got knocked right out of his lungs and his jaw was clenched, eyes tightly shut.

Yoo Joonghyuk littered him with kisses and hushed words that could have been absolutely anything because, quite frankly, Kim Dokja was fighting for his life to not get torn apart to listen to what his partner was saying. Thankfully though, Kim Dokja willed his body to relax, and in the end he loosened up enough to start thoroughly enjoying the presence of Yoo Joonghyuk’s fingers in him.

At first his thrusts were slow, just spreading out the snug walls. However, the more comfortable Kim Dokja got, the faster the movements grew until soon enough Kim Dokja was writhing in pleasure from getting fucked open. His moans and cries of bliss also became louder, losing himself fully to the exhilarating sensation. 

He could get used to this.

When Yoo Joonghyuk shifted Kim Dokja a little, he ended up thrusting his fingers against the bundle of nerves that left Kim Dokja a blabbering, whining, twitching mess. His grasp on Yoo Joonghyuk tightened and the coil in his abdomen was about to snap. If Yoo Joonghyuk continued like that, Kim Dokja would come in seconds and it was safe to assume he would not be able to do anything afterwards.

Still, Kim Dokja begged and pleaded for more. He wrapped his slender limbs around Yoo Joonghyuk like a python. 

Yoo Joonghyuk managed a laugh against Kim Dokja’s mouth as lewd sounds kept pouring out of the man. He swallowed every single one of them, basking in the fact that he was the one doing this to Kim Dokja. Only he could see and make him like this.

“I’m gonna- Please ju-just fuck me,” Kim Dokja whined, struggling to catch his breath with how Yoo Joonghyuk kept knocking it out of him.

“My pleasure.”

Yoo Joonghyuk retracted his fingers, causing Kim Dokja to whimper at the hollowness he felt. The older man refused to unwrap himself from Yoo Joonghyuk though, making him raise an eyebrow.

“Oops. My bad.”

Now free from Kim Dokja’s death grip, Yoo Joonghyuk reached for the condom he left on the bedside table. He ripped the packet with his teeth, rolling it onto his neglected cock. How he lasted so long without as much as being touched baffled Kim Dokja, but he didn’t question it.

Yoo Joonghyuk closed his eyes, a guttural moan slipping past his lips at the tightness of his hand around himself. The sound went straight to Kim Dokja’s own weeping dick, staining his abdomen in more of his precum.

Kim Dokja bit down on his lip, staring Yoo Joonghyuk down, the air around him thick with anticipation. He watched the flex of the man’s muscles as he positioned himself by Kim Dokja’s puckered rim. His legs spread further on their own accord, clearly amusing Yoo Joonghyuk.

“Are you gonna put it in or not?”

Yoo Joonghyuk rolled his eyes, the corners of his mouth tilted upwards. “Patience,” he said, lining himself up, the tip of his cock rubbing against Kim Dokja’s ready hole. 

Kim Dokja took a deep breath in, wrapping his legs around Yoo Joonghyuk to keep himself grounded. 

Their eyes met, and after a few more seconds, Kim Dokja gave Yoo Joonghyuk a slight nod. With that, Yoo Joonghyuk pushed in. And oh was this not like three fingers.

Kim Dokja pulled Yoo Joonghyuk down just so he could claw at the man’s bare back. The stretch stung far more than when Yoo Joonghyuk spread him open with his fingers. Tears welled in his eyes and breathing became difficult, his body more preoccupied on fighting against Yoo Joonghyuk’s cock than on supplying oxygen to him.

“You’ve got this,” Yoo Joonghyuk assured, burying his face in the crook of Kim Dokja’s neck. His own breaths were ragged, completely overwhelmed with how hot and tight Kim Dokja was around his length. The hand he had by Kim Dokja’s head to keep himself propped up clenched on the sheets, fighting the urge to start ploughing into Kim Dokja like there was no tomorrow.

Kim Dokja wondered if he really had this as Yoo Joonghyuk said. The strain felt like it would rip him open, and nobody wanted that to happen. He worried that his nails on Yoo Joonghyuk’s back would leave marks or draw blood even, but truth be told, he probably deserved that for ripping him open.

Despite the initial pain, Kim Dokja had to admit that there was something thrilling about it. Once the shock wore off and his body wasn’t screaming at him to kick Yoo Joonghyuk away, Kim Dokja wanted more. Even when the other man was buried fully inside, his instincts kicked in and he pushed himself back.

Yoo Joonghyuk groaned, his cock throbbing inside. “You’re so fucking tight.”

“Thanks, I guess,” Kim Dokja replied, attempting to push himself even further down on Yoo Joonghyuk’s dick. “Now can you move? Or are you too stunned to- ah! ”

Not needing to be told twice, Yoo Joonghyuk pulled back and then rolled into Kim Dokja, cutting off anything else the man had to say.

He repeated the movement, gradually picking up the pace until he found the perfect rhythm to drive Kim Dokja crazy. His hips snapped forward with a sharp thrust, his cock just about reaching Kim Dokja’s prostate from the desperate, bawdy noises coming out of the man.

Yoo Joonghyuk’s name was like a prayer on Kim Dokja’s lips, repeating louder and louder the more the man gave him. He became consumed by the euphoric sensation of Yoo Joonghyuk fucking him open just right, kissing him all over, leaving his mark to claim everywhere he could. There was nothing more that Kim Dokja wanted in this moment than to stay like this forever.

He pulled Yoo Joonghyuk down for a messy, heated kiss. Teeth clashed and there was barely any cohesion to it, but Kim Dokja wouldn’t have had it any other way.

With a slight nudge from Yoo Joonghyuk, Kim Dokja raised his ass up. As soon as Yoo Joonghyuk thrust back in with all his might, Kim Dokja cried out in utter delight. Yoo Joonghyuk found just the right position to hit against his sweet spot, and now that it was made known, he abused it. He fucked into it relentlessly, making it his goal to make Kim Dokja forget his own name.

And he wasn’t that far from it.

“I-I’m-” Kim Dokja was unable to form a single coherent sentence with how Yoo Joonghyuk kept pounding into him. Though his efforts didn’t mean much when Yoo Joonghyuk shut him up with a mind-boggling kiss. 

“Me too,” Yoo Joonghyuk said after briefly pulling away from the kiss. “Cum for me,” he ushered before going back in for yet another kiss.

It didn’t take much more for him to reach his orgasm, so when Yoo Joonghyuk reached down in between their bodies to stroke his heavy cock, Kim Dokja came with an obscene moan. His back arched up from the bed, toes curling and body going rigid as he came in white ropes over his chest and Yoo Joonghyuk’s hand.

Yoo Joonghyuk pumped him dry, and he too came soon after. With Kim Dokja clenching around his cock, it only took a few more thrusts before he was spilling out into the condom. His movements became desperate as he rode out his own high, milking it for all it was worth, moaning Kim Dokja’s name as he came.

Bodies heavy, both men collapsed on the bed, sweaty skin against skin.

Kim Dokja felt completely wrung out, his brain frazzled as if he was struck with electricity. There was a ringing noise behind his ears and his heart seemed to be ready to jump out of his ribcage.

All in all, he felt amazing.

Sticky, tired, but still amazing.

Yoo Joonghyuk laid half on top of Kim Dokja, leaving lazy kisses against his shoulder as he regained the strength to get up.

They stayed like that for maybe a minute before Yoo Joonghyuk finally moved. He sat up, pulling his softened cock out of Kim Dokja, grinning when the man made a displeased noise at the emptiness, ass clenching around a whole lot of nothing.

He discarded the used condom in the small trash can in the bathroom. It took him a bit longer to leave the bathroom, but when he did, he returned with a hand towel dampened with warm water. He used it to wipe off the mess covering Kim Dokja’s body, precise and careful.

“What am I, a baby that can’t wash themselves?” Kim Dokja huffed.

“You wanna get up and take a shower then be my guest.”

Kim Dokja wanted to say that he was going to do that, however as soon as he tried to sit up, the words died out in his chest. He folded his arms and grumbled a quiet “bastard” under his breath.

Yoo Joonghyuk chuckled, shaking his head.

“There you go. All clean,” he declared, pressing a quick kiss to Kim Dokja’s cheek. “Now do I need to tuck you in as well?”

“You-”

Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t give Kim Dokja the chance to respond before he forced the duvet out from under him, promptly covering Kim Dokja with it before he himself joined under the cover after tossing the towel on the floor with the rest of their clothes. That was a mess he would just have to clean up in the morning.

“Bastard.”

Yoo Joonghyuk hummed, wrapping his arms around Kim Dokja, his chest pressed against the older man’s back. “I love you too.”

Kim Dokja blushed, placing his hand on top of Yoo Joonghyuk’s. “Yeah… I love you.”

Satisfied, Yoo Joonghyuk pressed his lips to Kim Dokja’s nape, smiling against him.

***

Kim Dokja’s eyes slowly opened. He felt simultaneously exhausted and well rested, body both sore and relaxed. Relaxed because he hasn’t had sleep this good since… well, ever. Sore because of everything else.

The culprit was not in bed with him currently, but that was expected with how much of an early riser Yoo Joonghyuk is. If he really wanted to, he could have cleaned the house, done the laundry, cooked and showered before ten in the morning. It was impressive and quite horrifying. Kim Dokja could absolutely never do any of that. It took him pretty much the whole day to clean, so there was no way he could ever beat Yoo Joonghyuk.

Still, the spot behind him still felt warm when Kim Dokja placed his hand down on it. Yoo Joonghyuk must have gotten up recently which was unusual since it was definitely far beyond his normal waking hours.

Slowly, Kim Dokja sat up in the bed. He wiped the remaining sleep from his eyes, dragging his hand across his face afterwards. There was no way he didn’t look terrible right now - not after getting his world rocked last night.

After sitting around and doing nothing more than staring at the bedsheets, Kim Dokja dragged himself out of bed and slipped on some clothes. Walking did not feel as easy as usual, and the dull ache in his lower back was a new addition, but he scooted along out of the bedroom anyway.

Outside, Yoo Joonghyuk was making himself busy in the kitchen.

The smell of fresh coffee and whatever delicious food Yoo Joonghyuk was cooking filled the room, urging Kim Dokja to move towards it.

When he reached the kitchen, Kim Dokja pressed himself against Yoo Joonghyuk’s back and wrapped his arms around the man’s front. “Mornin’,” he greeted, words muffled from having his face against the taller man’s back.

“Morning,” Yoo Joonghyuk reciprocated. “Sleep well?”

“Like a baby,” Kim Dokja replied, leaning back slightly.

“Good. Breakfast’s nearly done.”

As if on cue, Kim Dokja’s stomach rumbled. Yoo Joonghyuk laughed.

“How about you pour us coffee and I’ll finish this up?”

“Don’t wanna,” Kim Dokja grumbled but moved nonetheless. He grabbed two mugs for them and poured out the freshly brewed coffee. He then grabbed the mugs and carried them over to the breakfast table where he sat himself down.

Yoo Joonghyuk joined him soon after, placing down a few plates on the table. He kissed Kim Dokja good morning and sat down opposite him.

It all felt like the most wonderful dream, but Kim Dokja knew that this was no such thing. This was just his life.