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Jim and Beth Ann Rollins are dead. A car accident on a winding rural Rockland County road left Mason with a concussion, a broken arm and essentially orphaned by his grandparents, with an investigation, autopsies, and arrangements to follow. Right at this moment, Amanda has one thought and one thought only…who’s taking Mason? Kim has ruined everything good in Amanda’s life. Finally, FINALLY, Amanda Rollins has built something wonderful for herself and her daughters. She’s made a life with Dominick Carisi that rivals the greatest literary love stories, the most momentous Hollywood romances, the deepest love lyrics ever sung. Her parents are dead and all she can think about is how Kim’s mistakes will ruin her yet again.
She’s sitting in the hospital waiting room, numb, she thinks, because she doesn’t seem to have any overwhelming emotion. Maybe dread? Dread is her emotion. Dread is what she feels thinking about being linked profoundly to Kim by taking custody of Mason. Mason, an innocent boy who didn’t ask for any of the shit this life has hurled his way, has now lost parent two and parent three in his young life after Kim failed him. Kim. She has to call Kim. She doesn’t want to call Kim. She doesn’t want to speak with Kim at all. The whole idea of Kim in the realm of this life she’s now living – with Sonny and Jesse and Billie – is a cacophonous, disjointed mess. Amanda simply won’t allow it.
It’s cold. It’s harsh. It’s everything she’s been working out in sessions with Dr. Hanover regarding her family dynamic. Bit by bit, the Rollins in her is fading. Amanda was victimized by Kim, Beth Anne and Jim for years by being the rule follower, the do-gooder, the good girl who tried so hard to put things back together when they all went awry. The Rollins family manipulated and abused her, took advantage of her. They asked of her things impossible, dirty, dark. They played her, time and time again, feeding off the guilt she carried for not doing more to fix the family’s broken parts. Fin knows. Fin saw it all firsthand. He’s seen what Kim can do. No. Amanda will not allow it to touch her life again. She knows Fin will have her back in this. Fin and Liv. They may be able to explain Amanda’s position better than she herself can to others for all they’ve witnessed. Perhaps, Cap and Sarge will help her with Carisi if it comes to that.
The dread is leaking into the Carisi-shaped compartment of her heart. She fears he’ll want Mason, that he’ll want to give the boy the stability, security and the family he hasn’t yet experienced. She’s been panicking that he’ll want to do the right thing, and Kim will forever loom over her. He’ll think about the clingy way Mason says good-bye after they visit. Sonny will recall the moments when Mason grew needy for his attention whenever the girls held it, having never experienced a “dad” in the ways Jesse and Billie do. Amanda is dreading the clinginess and the neediness. It’ll be hard work to introduce this 5 year old to a third family setting in his young life and help him navigate the big feelings and emotional scars. It will take their time and attention from the girls, and the perfect 1:1 balance of adults to children they have as they’re learning how to be a fulltime family.
Jesse and Billie are happy. They’ve always been happy kids, but now, with Sonny… Actually, now that their Momma is profoundly happy with Sonny, the girls are thriving in ways Amanda couldn’t have anticipated having never known happy parents. They’re adjusting so well to the addition of Sonny and his cat, Cannoli, to their home, a supportive, easy, loving environment. There may even be a pic or two of the tabby cat curled up with Frannie, both asleep in a patch of sunlight in the corner of the living room. They’re a girl household, including the pets, but he doesn’t tip it in any negative way. Sonny was born into a girl household. He was made to be a girl Dad. He’s so unbelievably kind and soft with the perfect dash of firm when needed. They’re adapting to a new address, a new school for Billie, new routines. They just settled into the new apartment, a perfect find actually, with three bedrooms so they have office space at home. In the back of Amanda’s mind, that third bedroom represents possibility, the “just in case”. They never said never to a child made of them. She pictures that baby sometimes as the boy who changes the family dynamic, the boy who is the exact image of his beautiful Daddy. The boy in this perchance household in her mind is definitely not Kim Rollins’s son taking permanent residence.
Even in death, Beth Anne and Jim are trying to control the narrative of Amanda’s life, abandoning their semi-orphaned grandson, thinking of course Amanda will take care of Kim’s mess again. That’s what Amanda does. Kim just never had it as easy as Amanda has. She’s so selfish and rebellious, they never seemed to steer Amanda fully their way. The consequences of their manipulations and guilt trips for Amanda were devastating. The fictitious “Poor Kim” plot of the Rollins family anthology wants to persevere. Amanda is writing an addendum. For her girls, for her partner, for herself, she is exposing this heroine’s journey. Rape. Gambling. Anonymous sex. The harsh truth is that having survived it all, having come out the other side with her health, perspective, and a love so pure it could break the most hardened hearts, she wouldn’t change a minute of the past. How easily Amanda could be sitting in a cell instead of Detective Second Grade with the NYPD. No. She will not change anything about her euphoric, blissful life with Dominick for Kim Rollins.
The situation is a few hours old. Amanda is waiting for her feelings to kick in. She’s waiting for her empathy and sympathy and sadness and grief, but as of now, nothing. She is sure in the most clear and basic of ways that taking Mason will break her. Year after year, Amanda has shed layers of Georgia and being a Rollins. How can she unquestioningly take in Mason when she contemplated aborting the pregnancy that gave them Billie…when for years she wouldn’t allow herself the love of the best man she’s ever known…all to protect what she cultivated, what she carved out for herself. She’s a cop. Amanda’s job, not the father figure in this story, is the danger in her life scenario.
“Hey. How’s my girl?”
“Better now that you’re back.”
“I want ya ta drink some of this,” Sonny says as he twists off the cap to a bottle of water.
“Thank you. I…uh…Liv and…and Stabler have the girls covered tonight. We’re not to worry about them. Direct order from my Captain. Liv’s got a spare key. I…uh…gave her one…for emergencies. Guess this counts.”
“C’mere.”
Amanda leans into Sonny’s warmth. His arms enfold her, and she’s never been more grateful for him, for his partnership, in her life.
“They…uh…the doctors admitted Mason for observation. He was sedated so they could set and cast his arm. I don’t know what he knows or what he saw. Sonny, I just want to go home.”
“I know, baby, and we will as soon as we can. We have some decisions ta make tomorrow.”
“I have to call Kim.”
“I can do it…if ya want me ta.”
“I love you, and I’m going to need you to do a million things for me, starting with calling your parents about picking up the girls from Liv tomorrow. I got the call to Kim.”
“Yeah. Of course. Are we stayin’ here or headin’ back ta the house? The nurses asked so they can get another chair for Mason’s room.”
“The house, I guess. He’ll be out until morning. I’ll put a call into the prison from the car.”
***
“Well, that couldn’t have gone worse,” Amanda huffs as she pinches the bridge of her nose.
Kim, always with a penchant for the dramatic, amped it up for whomever was in earshot on her side of the call. Amanda didn’t doubt her concern for Mason on some level, but selfishly made it all about her as per their set Rollins family roles…as if Amanda would leave Mason abandoned in the hospital, or in danger.
“We’re a couple minutes away. I’ll draw ya a bath. Make ya some dinna as soon as we get in.”
“Honestly, Sonny, I just need you. I don’t want anything else.”
Sonny pulls into the long driveway and Amanda closes her eyes. For a millisecond, she hopes that when she opens them, this day will have been a dream and her mother will be on the porch holding onto Mason so he doesn’t run. She feels the warmth of Sonny’s hand on hers and the corner of her mouth twitches into a half smile. Without him, she’d be lost. Long before today, long before facing this, Amanda wouldn’t have made it as a single mother of two, fulltime detective, thriving in both her professional and personal lives without this man. He, of course, will argue that Amanda Rollins survives and thrives in all scenarios, but she knows the truth. There were times when she’d been so very close to the edge…he’d be horrified if he knew, really knew, how many times his unplanned spaghetti dinners pulled her off the precipice.
“’Manda, hey, I got ya,” Sonny says softly. “This is…unfathomable. We’re gonna take it one hour, one minute, at a time. Yeah?”
She nods and opens the car door. With a deep breath, she steps out and waits for Sonny to come around to her side of the car. Her eyes must say everything her voice can’t, because Sonny pulls her into his arms and holds her tightly against him. He kisses her hair, her temple her cheek. He brushes his lips over the curvy shell of her ear, whispering how much he loves her and how they’ll do this together.
“Would ya rather get a motel room? Or head back to the city instead?”
“If we head home, Sonny, I’m never coming back. I’m ok. Let’s just go inside.”
***
It takes some convincing, but Sonny gets her to eat half a sandwich. She sits quietly as he moves around the kitchen, cleaning up from the breakfast that was Beth Anne and Jim’s last meal. His movements and chatter about absolutely nothing important soothe her, just another way she loves him for being hers. He hangs the dish towel to dry and turns to her. She is already rising from her seat and moving to him. Her fingers threading through the silky silver strands of his hair giving her better access to nuzzle his neck, to breathe him in. He pulls back slightly to look at her face. Her eyes are clear, sad, but unwavering.
“Take me to bed. I need to feel…something.”
They move through the darkened house, upstairs to the guest bedroom. Before he is even fully in the room with the door closed behind them, she is bare from the waist up and working the button on her pants. Sonny leans in to press his lips to hers. The kiss is so soft, so delicate, a whisper of the devotion and love he feels, causing Amanda’s breath to catch in her throat. He does it again, and again, and it’s threatening to break her.
“Sonny, stop. I’m not fragile. I need more. I need to FEEL you. Fuck me. Make me cum. I need you now. Please.”
His hand slides to her neck. He wraps his fingers firmly applying some pressure, using his long legs, hips and pelvis to walk her backward until she hits the bed. She falls back and Sonny makes quick work of removing her jeans and panties. She is open to him, pinching her nipples with one hand and stroking her clit with the other watching him undress. He is rock hard and removing his boxer briefs causes him to bob straight out in front of him. She moans at the sight. He plants his knees between her legs and falls forward over her, bracing himself on his arms.
“’Manda, I’m gonna take care-a ya, give ya whateva ya need, but ya gotta stay with me, ok? Eyes open, tawk ta me?”
“Yes. Ok. Please,” she whines.
“Please what?”
“Please fuck me.”
He pushes his tongue into her mouth and strokes deeply, sucking on her lips, biting them. His cock is leaking, and he wants her as desperately as she needs him. He slides between her folds, coating himself in her wetness, rubbing his tip against her clit. Sonny sits back on his heels, pulling her to him, lifting her hips to his lap, her legs to rest on his shoulders. Positioning himself at her entrance, he falls over her, just about folding her in half thrusting into her in one deep, long, hard push.
“Again.”
He repeats.
“Again, Sonny, again! Harder! Please…”
Her fingers are frantically manipulating her clit has he fills her so fully his balls slap against her ass. He pulls out and flips her over.
“On your hands and knees, ‘Manda. Now.”
She assumes the position, swaying in anticipation, before sliding forward and resting her chest on the mattress. She reaches back with her hands, squeezing and separating her ass cheeks, exposing herself to him.
“Fuck, baby. That’s…fuck…”
“Sonny, please…”
He enters her again setting a pace that will bring her to the edge quickly, moving in and out of her, hitting all the right spots. Her hand moves between her legs once more stroking the swollen bundle of nerves.
“My God…Sonny…I need…more…”
He fills his mouth with saliva, and spits into the crack of her ass, moistening her tight anal bud. With the pad of his thumb, he massages her there, creating a rhythm matching his primal thrusts. He’s not going to last much longer as the mewling sound she makes fills his ears and send bolts of electricity to his dick. She is driving backward, meeting him push for push. He presses his thumb into her, and she’s gone. Her legs shake, her body pulses, she’s screaming his name as she cums, thrashing and spasming around him. With a few last pumps into her dripping pussy he unloads.
Their bodies are tangled, finally spent, as they return into themselves. Laying face to face, they breathe together, fingers laced, eyes searching. She is seeking signs of pity, waiting for the switch to flip when he no longer sees her as strong and capable. He is watching for signs of anger or grief when she will need him to be her rock.
“Sonny, I need to tell you something.”
“I’m right here wheneva ya ready.”
“I’m afraid that you’ll be disappointed in me.”
“I promise that could neva happen.”
She raises their joined hands to her lips and kisses each of his long fingers.
“Sonny, I don’t want us to be Mason’s guardians. It’s all I’ve thought about from the moment I got the call.”
He keeps their eyes connected, nodding his head, hearing her. A quick squeeze of her hand, Sonny’s reaction is anything but disappointed or alarmed.
“Ok. We’ll figure it out.”
“That’s it? Just like that?”
“Yeah. Just like that.”
Amanda lets go of his hand. She brings her fingers to his cheek and tenderly traces the dimple there.
“’Manda, tawk it out with me when ya ready. I want ya to be sure your reasons are sound and not a knee-jerk reaction to this nightmare of a situation…for YOU…so you know, down the road, you made the right choice, but if that’s how ya feel, I support ya 100%.”
“You aren’t going to make a case for Mason?”
“No, Amanda. I’m not. You are my priority. Our girls are my priority. You tried the custody thing before with Kim and Mason, and she brought Jim inta your home where he OD’d in front-a Jess. She brought Beth Anne up north knowing ya needed distance. She has no boundaries. I don’t know all the details about the Rollins Sisters dynamic, but I know enough that if you don’t want it in your life, it’s enough for me. You and I control what this family of ours looks like…not circumstance, or guilt, or other people’s misfortune. I might know a few lawyers…Langen can help.”
Isn’t it strange how kindness and understanding can make us cry more deeply, more completely, than hurt or fear or defeat? It’s Sonny’s absolute devotion, his loyalty and love for her that breaks through. She cries now. She cries for the childhood she never had, for the ways her parents failed her, for the love and understanding she never got to feel from them. She cries for all the nights she had to be the grown up when she was little more than Jesse’s age. She cries over their judgement and their perceived abandonment because she wanted a better life for herself. She cries for Beth Anne who wasn’t strong enough to break the cycle of abuse to save herself and her daughters. She cries for Mason because his mother is toxic and a trigger for all the things Amanda worked so hard to escape and overcome.
She cries. And Sonny holds her. He doesn’t try to fix anything or excuse away her feelings. He simply holds her, giving himself to her for comfort, support, to just be there. She cries because she knows she is not alone anymore. He knows her heart and her soul, and how long and hard she worked to repair the damage her family did to them. He knows that when she was finally ready to be with him, it meant that she was healed enough to give herself over to their partnership, this union, to their relationship and the infinite joy unspoken between them. He knows how impossibly difficult it is for Amanda to trust, to open herself and her home and her girls’ lives to anyone. The circle is small. Sonny, Liv and Fin, the Carisi family. But isn’t that the way with cops who have seen the worst of humanity?
“Thank you,” she whispers as her sobs subside.
“Nah, baby. This is where we belong, bad times, good times, everything in between. Right here. Like this. We belong to each other. Now and always. I got ya.”
***