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“Why are you up?” Arastoo asked from the hall, making her jump from where she was sitting on their living room floor. “It’s late. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine-” Cam choked out, forcing the words from her throat. In reality, she was anything but- this stress had been building inside of her for months, and she didn’t know what to do with it anymore. She felt like she was a chemical reaction set to explode, and today’s events were the catalyst it’d been waiting for. But she didn’t want to explain it- she didn’t know how . She dealt with things alone . She didn’t need help. “Please just go back to bed. It’s nothing.”
She could feel his watchful gaze over her- she knew she looked like a wreck. She felt like she’d been crying for hours, curled up on the floor with her back against the couch in an attempt to ground herself and remember where she was.
“Cam. Honey. You’re okay, it’s okay. What’s wrong?” Arastoo asked her- his voice was deep and smooth, like honey. It was able to calm her down during even her worst moments, but right now, it just filled her with guilt at the thought of hurting him too. Sobs racked her body further as she tried to pull away, but he sat beside her, and suddenly she just couldn’t take it anymore- her short fuse had been lit, and he, unfortunately, was the only one in the vicinity to take the blow.
“I said go away! Just leave me alone for once, Arastoo! I don’t need you to fix me!” She shouted, venom in her words as she tried to pull away. She saw his face fall, saw him shrink back as the words left her mouth. The guilt pained her immediately, like a bullet ripping through her chest, but it just made her more angry with herself.
“I don’t need you to take care of me. You should just leave me too, it’s fine. Please just go, Arastoo. Please .” She was pleading with him- hot tears blurred her vision and rolled from her cheeks to her neck as she shouted. She knew , from years of therapy, that the anger that was holding her thoughts like a prisoner of war, the anger that was currently setting every cell in her body alight, was shittily veiled fear. She knew Arastoo hadn’t done anything wrong, that she didn’t want him to leave her. She knew that she was terrified he would.
“What do you mean, ‘too’ , Cam? What’s going on?” Warm brown eyes met hers, the smell of soap and her favourite candle hit her nose, and suddenly, the rage began to collapse like a house of card inside of her, leaving nothing but shame sitting like stones in her stomach and the taste of blood in her mouth where she’d chewed the inside of her cheek to shreds.
“I’m sorry.” She whispered, terrified. “I’m sorry, please don’t be mad. I’m sorry,” She curled into his chest and repeated it like a mantra, praying that she hadn’t pushed him away too. She couldn’t bear to lose him now. Not after everyone had left her today. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled.”
Arastoo pulled her tight to his chest, holding her just as tight as he knew she needed when she got like this. Deep pressure, he remembered. “Cam, baby, you haven’t done anything wrong. I’m not mad, you haven’t done anything to make me mad. What do you need right now? What’s going on?”
She sniffled, knowing she was getting his shirt wet with tears. “I’m so overwhelmed,” she choked out, her throat still tight with panic. “Booth and Brennan are quitting. Hodgins and Angela almost left. It feels like nobody cares, like they’re all leaving me again. I don’t wanna be alone again. I can’t.”
“So you were scared?” He asked her, trying to keep things simple because he knew the post-panic crash would be coming soon. “That’s okay. You’re allowed to be scared, Cam, I just wish you’d talked to me about it. But I am not going to leave you, I promise. You haven’t done a single thing wrong.”
More tears rolled down her cheeks, and he wiped them away for her. “Being scared made me feel angry. I thought I could make you leave, because it felt like that’s what I deserved,” she explained, fidgeting with her hands. “I’m sorry for being so mean, I just… it feels like I’m going to explode sometimes. You don’t deserve to deal with that.”
“Cam,” his voice was assuring as he continued to hold her tight to his chest. “I love you. Every part of you, even the parts that you find scary. You are the love of my life, and I want to spend every single day of it with you. If that means helping when you get overwhelmed, I’m here. I’m always here, Cam.”
“Promise?” She pleaded, big brown eyes meeting his. She rarely let herself be emotionally needy like this- she actually avoided it at all costs- but she was tired, and felt fragile. She needed to hear it.
“I promise, my love. Every day of my life, I promise. That’s why I’m here.”
She allowed herself to be soothed as he rocked on the floor with her in his arms. The gentle stimulation calmed her, allowing her to breathe deeply again. After about two minutes of sitting in silence, her stomach growled loudly, and her boyfriend laughed .
“Cam, baby, when was the last time you ate?” He asked, and just as she opened her mouth, he interrupted. “Coffee does not count as a meal. When did you last eat real food?”
She looked away, genuinely struggling to remember, and he chuckled softly. “C’mon. Up. I’m making us some food and tea.”
“Arastoo, it’s past midnight. You don’t need to-” She tried to protest, but he was insistent.
“Cam. No matter how badly you want to be, you are not Wonder Woman. I don’t want you to hurt yourself. Just sit at the kitchen table, okay? I’ll fix something quick, I promise.” He made his famous (to her, and only her) puppy dog eyes, and she couldn’t resist for more than a second. It was a skill she never understood- how could he convince her of anything with just that one look?
“Fine,” she gave in, and he smiled and kissed the top of her head gently. “You’re lucky you’re so cute. It gets me to listen a lot more.”
He laughed again, warm and welcoming. “I really am,” He agreed, pulling the two of them up to their feet. That’s how their night ended, with the smell of spices and jasmine tea filling their apartment as she watched him cook, and she thanked whatever God was out there for somehow allowing her to get so lucky.