Chapter Text
I am a man torn, if man I can be called.
The danger was already present. I was fully aware of the treacherous ground upon which I walked, ever since she first kissed me in the Fade.
I should not have returned her passion. In fact, I did worse - I allowed my flesh and blood to override my mind. I allowed my heart to be bewitched by the light in her veridian eyes, and the obvious compassion of her nature. I reached for her, pulled her back to me, and the bliss of that moment is forever and indelibly etched into my very being.
But it is far too late to reverse what I have done. I cannot erase the memory of her taste. It is nothing like I have experienced before, in the Fade or out. And yet, that is not the worst. The worst is the grace and wisdom she exhibits with every action, each glance, and the words that emerge from those perfect lips. Even her faults enchant me, like the nervous way she tugs at strands of her hair, or the rustic way she sometimes eats with her fingers when she thinks no one is watching.
The kiss on the Balcony was… exquisite. It took all of my will to leave her standing there.
And yet, as is her wont, she did not pressure me or call me back. She simply smiled in that relaxed way that is hers alone.
I am a man torn.
To pursue Ellana is worse than unfair to her. To myself. The damage I may cause can hardly be measured. I risk everything if I claim her love as my own. Especially my integrity of purpose.
I told her I required time to think, to consider, when I should have relayed in no uncertain terms that it could never be. A brief respite is not worth the long sorrow of regret, this I well know. An impossible choice is before me, disappoint her now, or cause a much greater, lasting hurt that may never be healed. Not for her, nor for myself.
No, I will not go to her chambers this night. I will sleep alone, as I have done for so long, and find my comfort and solace in the Fade.