Chapter Text
He was back with the team again. It was exactly what he wanted.
Except it wasn’t. It so wasn’t what he wanted.
At some point, Hen, Chim, and Bobby had all given up on their anger towards him. They’d forgiven him, something that became apparent when it circled around to Buck’s birthday and they had thrown him one of Athena and Bobby’s famous barbecues where the food was good, the drinks flowed freely, and May had brought out a cake that she and Harry had shared the load in baking and icing for him, and he’d enjoyed every wonky, delicious slice he’d eaten.
Everyone had forgiven him, and moved on. Except for one person.
Months on from the lawsuit, even after Buck watched the horror of him getting swallowed up by the ground during a well collapse, Eddie was still pointedly refusing to talk to him in anything other than a professional capacity. He’d skipped his birthday party, with not even Christopher coming along for the celebration. He’d ask others to pass him things even if Buck was closer. He’d weave past Buck to get to the showers, continuing on as if he wasn’t there. He’d avoid contacting him over radio wherever possible, sticking purely to the things that were required to get the job done. They still moved in sync, still worked as a team, but the chasm between them kept weighing on him.
He didn’t know if it was worse that Eddie hadn’t spoken to him in months, or that he hadn’t let him near Christopher in almost as long, but he tried to avoid thinking about either wherever possible; both thoughts made him feel sick to his stomach.
The overnight part of the twenty-four hour shift used to be sort of fun.
When it was the forbidden Q-word, they’d play board games, video games, nap between episodes of TV shows and snack on whatever Bobby had made for them. When it was busy, they’d spend the night kicking ass and saving lives before coming back and crashing between cups of coffee and their next call.
Buck hadn’t enjoyed a night shift since he’d been back at the 118.
Even Hen bringing something fun to do couldn’t lift his mood. She passed him a deck of trading cards, rolling her eyes. ‘Denny got into Pokemon, and he’s been pestering me and Karen to play when Harry or Christopher can’t, and someone needs to teach me so I can teach her. You know how to play?’
‘I grew up with the originals, Hen.’ He sighed and pulled the soft hair elastic holding the cards together before giving the deck a flick-through. ‘Water and electric. Classic combination.’
She shrugged. ‘What does that mean?’
‘It means your—‘ he peeked at the cards she was holding— ‘fire and fighting deck may have a few issues against mine in some ways but kick ass in others.’
One prize away from Buck’s victory, Eddie wandered up the stairs, empty coffee cup in hand and hair sticking in all directions from sleep. He avoided eye contact with Buck, instead nodding to the cards . ‘I just got Chris some of the booster packs from one of the new sets. He was raving about this one that comes covered in holographic stuff.’
‘It usually means it’s rarer.’ Buck breathed, eyes fluttering shut. He hadn’t meant to speak. He’d probably just pissed him off again.
Eddie grunted and went over to get more coffee, then disappeared back down the staircase without another word to either of them.
Buck sighed, head tipping back to stare at the ceiling. ‘I can’t take this conversational embargo anymore.’
Chim poked his head up from the book he had been reading, resting his chin on his hand. ‘Eddie really still hasn’t talked to you?’
He shook his head, moving one of the benched Pokemon into play and pulling the other one back. He slapped down an energy card, gripping his remaining hand tight enough to bend the two trainer cards left in it against his palm. ‘I sent him a message every few days asking if I could do anything for him or Christopher, or to see if he was free to talk. For the first month. Then I stopped trying. It’s over, Chim.’ He pursed his lips. ‘Look, don’t tell anyone what I’m about to tell you, not even Maddie. She’ll try and talk me out of it.’
‘Tell her what?’
‘…I’ve been talking to Bobby about…there’s…’ He blinked away the tears that were already gathering. ‘The 126 in Texas may have an opening. Someone’s retiring soon and they’ll hold the position for me until I’m ready.’
Hen sat up slowly, her swallowing audible. ‘After the fight you gave to get back here? You’re gonna leave? Like that?’
‘I can’t take it anymore. I made a stupid decision and screwed everything up and now the person—the people—you guys, and Eddie and Chris mean the world to me. You’re my family. They were my family but I fucked everything up.’ He tried to hold back, but even screwing up his face didn’t stop them falling. The tears flowed down his cheeks, running in lines down until they dripped onto the cards and table below. Chim stood up, rounded the table to shove both arms around his shoulders and draw him into a hug, and he turned his face into the space between his head and shoulder, letting the dark fabric of his uniform soak up the few tears he let fall.
Hen reached across the table, wrapping her fingers over the top of his hand and gave it a strong squeeze. ‘Don’t leave, Buck. Please. Forget Eddie—‘
‘I can’t. We have to work together,’ he sniffed.
‘We still love you. You didn’t screw up everything. Buck, you had the option of taking millions of dollars, and you turned it down because this job meant more to you. You had the opportunity to never work another day in your damn life and you gave it up because this place and your job here saving other people’s lives and looking out for us meant more to you. More than money, or another firehouse.’ She squeezed again. ‘Please don’t leave. It won’t be the same here without you.’
He lifted his head from Chim’s shoulder, palming away his tears and sniffing again, before letting out a little grunt. He shook his head, like it would shake away his troubles, and picked up his hand again. ‘I haven’t signed anything yet. I’m going to try and talk to him one more time, but if I can’t get him to, I’ll be gone by the end of the month. I just can’t deal with the silence anymore.’
They finished the game, and managed to get in half of another before the bell rang. And when Buck slid into one of the seats, Eddie purposely shifted to the opposite end and stared out of the window for the whole journey.
His mind had been fifty-percent made up. Eddie had just bumped it to sixty.
Underground parking lot cave-in. Two fatalities, one of them dead on arrival. Bobby had seemingly forgotten about the situation in the rush to get everyone on the case, and now Buck was stuck with Eddie, crawling into the small spaces between structural debris and crumbling chunks of foundation to try and find any survivors.
And then the second collapse had happened.
Buck gasped, coughing through the clouds of dust, blinking into the darkness as he flicked his headlamp back on. ‘Eddie?’
A cough, a splutter. ‘Here, Buckley.’
That had been another thing. He was no longer Buck. Not even Evan. He was Buckley. Last name only. And every single Buckley hurt like hell.
Buck sighed in relief, letting his head fall back against the rubble behind his head. ‘Okay.’ Except it wasn’t. He had no idea when rescue would reach them, and even then, it would take careful manipulation of everything around them; the rubble was like a boulder choke, holding but trapping them, and even a slight wrong move could bring everything down on their heads.
Eddie let his head fall back too, pressing against a bit of a pillar that had survived the collapse. Even with barely two metres of space to share between them, he refused to look at him, staring past Buck like he was look right through him. Now would be the time, Buck thought, because he’s stuck with me. He has nowhere to go.
‘Bobby, what’s the status on assistance? We’re stuck in a choke.’
Nothing. The radio crackled, nothing but static popping through the speaker.
Buck tried his own. ‘Bobby, ETA on assistance?’
Nothing. Another faint crackle, and then the radio went completely dead.
‘Fuck.’
Hen and Bobby blinked at each other. The message that had come through had been half-words, garbled. They’d got most of the word assistance, and something that had sounded like choke and nothing else but interference and static.
Bobby shook his head. ‘Their radios must have been busted in the collapse.’
‘Where do you want us, Cap?’
‘Keep clearing a path, but be careful. Chim, get wooden blocks from the truck, see if you can support what little stable ground there is.’ He glanced between the accident site and his team. ‘God I hope they can keep away from each other’s throats long enough for us to get to them.’
‘Eddie, I don’t know if we’re both gonna make it out of here—‘
‘Shut. The fuck. Up. If I’m gonna die today, the last thing I want to hear is your damn voice.’
Buck closed his eyes. Don’t let them fall. Don’t cry. Don’t fucking cry, Evan, you’re already exhausting and pathetic enough without turning into a crybaby too.
Seventy-five percent.
And then Eddie spoke again. ‘God, I wish I could just…’
‘Yeah, I know.’
‘You don’t know shit.’
‘You wish it was Hen, or Chim, or Bobby stuck in here with you. Because at least you wouldn’t be stuck with someone whose guts you hate and someone you never want to have around your kid again. At least you could die with a friendly face instead of…’ Buck shrugged, looked down to his dusty, cut-up hands. He wasn’t on the blood-thinners anymore, but the wounds were still taking a while to stop bleeding. ‘I’m sorry it’s me you’re stuck with.’
‘Always about you.’ It wasn’t much more than a whisper, but Buck caught it, and another little sting reverberated through him.
Eighty-five percent.
Ninety.
Ninety-five.
‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the lawsuit. I’m sorry for being a screw-up. I’m sorry I hurt you and Chris, and I’m sorry I—‘ I’m sorry I lived through the attempt. It was nearly a lifetime coming. I’ll press harder with the blade next time. I’ll make the cuts vertical. It’ll be quicker. Maybe I should go for the carotid. That would only take seconds. No coming back when blood’s gushing like a firehose. ‘I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done to hurt you, but if we make it out of here, at least you won’t have to see me anymore.’
‘What, you’re getting put on the other shift?’
‘No. I mean you’ll finally be rid of me. I’m transferring out to the 126 in Texas. I’m signing the papers as soon as we get back to the station.’
He didn’t look over—didn’t want to—but in his peripheral vision, he could see Eddie staring at his profile, could imagine the look of rage on his face.
‘I wanted to be at the 118. I wanted to be home so bad. But there’s no point in being where I’m not wanted, Diaz.’ May as well get used to the surname schtick. ‘Sooner or later, you and I not being friends anymore is going to kill someone. And I’d rather that wasn’t on either of our consciences.’
‘You’re wanted here—‘
‘Yeah, sure. Hen and Chim forgave me. Hell, even Bobby did, and I was suing him. But you…’ Buck shook his head, finally turned to look at him. Eddie was staring at him with a deep frown, mouth downturned and hanging open. He cleared his throat, looked away again. ‘You kept Christopher from me. Of all the things that you wanted to do to hurt me for hurting you, even calling me exhausting in front of everyone we care about didn’t cut as deep as that did. I love him. I love him like he was my own damn kid and you knew that and—‘ He stopped again, lip quivering. He’d been determined not to, but before he could hold them back again, he was already crying, tears catching the dust on his skin and in the air and leaving dark grey lines down his cheeks and jaw. Buck screwed up his hand, balling it into a fist with the fabric of his uniform trousers clutched in the edge of his grip.
Ninety-nine.
Eddie’s hand landing on his forearm sent a jolt through him like an electric shock. Buck looked down at it, tempted to push it away; the warmth burned through his uniform and into his skin, and he could have sworn if he’d rolled up his sleeves the imprint of his hand would be branded there. He swiped the fingers of his free hand at his own face, drawing in a shaky breath. ‘I did a shitty thing with that lawsuit, but I dropped it, and it’s over. The shitty thing you did is something you’re still doing, and I can’t take being the one person you hate the most in the world anymore.’
Eddie licked his lips, breathed deep and let it back out slowly. ‘Buck, I don’t hate you.’
Buck. How long had it been since he’d called him that? He’d stopped counting the weeks after the first four.
Buck sniffed. ‘Alright, you’re indifferent to me then. This here?’ He gestured to Eddie’s hand on his arm. ‘This whole thing is just a caregiver gene thing or the paramedic instinct to comfort someone who needs it. When we get out of here, you’re gonna be back to pretending like I’m invisible.’
‘I don’t hate you, and I couldn’t ever be indifferent to you. I was hurt and clearly I didn’t handle it well. Hell, I think I handled it in the worst way possible.’ Eddie shuffled, sank down onto the ground next to him, sat close enough for the outside of their thighs to brush together. ‘God it hurt to not talk to you but I kept doing it because…it felt like giving up to let you back in.’
‘Giving up?’
‘When my family came for Shannon’s funeral, they said some stuff to me about how Christopher was better in Texas with them, and how I should move back. I said I wasn’t going to uproot him, and they said he’d not had the chance to put down roots yet. It was like they thought I couldn’t take care of my own son. Pepa and Abuela defended me, but…’ he put his head back against the concrete behind them. ‘Buck, I had a lot I was dealing with, and I just kept holding a grudge because it felt like somehow I was getting them back for all of the things they said I’d tried to run from. Like not running from having this grudge somehow meant I wasn’t a quitter. Which now I’m saying it, sounds even more ridiculous than I thought it would.’
In spite of himself, Buck chuckled. He remembered what that felt like. He’d gone so many places, joined and subsequently left the SEALs, bounced from place to place without settling or getting attached to anything. His parents and some of his teachers had called him aimless. Someone who had worked the bar with him in Peru had suggested he had ADHD, and Buck had suspected for a while that they were right. Maddie had just said he hadn’t found his calling yet.
Buck sighed softly, shooting Eddie a sad smile. ‘What I’m getting from this is that you hate me, but maybe less than you should.’
Eddie shook his head, the movement vigorous enough to send a cloud of dust and debris that had been caught in his hair into a little cloud over his shoulders. ‘Never. I physically can’t bring myself to hate you. I was pissed at you, but I couldn’t ever hate you, and you have no idea how much I regret saying what I did. The second we were done with the whole car incident at the store, I wanted Bosko to turn around and hit me in the face just to knock some sense into me.’
‘Why her?’
‘I’ve seen her beat the shit out of a guy before. She definitely wouldn’t hold back.’
Buck snorted. Eddie’s frown was softening, that smile he remembered so well even after so long starting to creep onto his lips. ‘When you guys hung out, did she ever fight you?’
‘No, but I felt her hit the punching bag once. She could flatten me, Buck. I’d be seeing cartoon birds for weeks.’
‘I missed that.’
He raised an eyebrow. ‘Missed what?’
‘You calling me Buck. Evan is okay, I guess. But calling me Buckley felt like a one-way ticket to the end of our friendship and I was an unwilling passenger on that ride.’ In the bright beams of their headlamps, Eddie’s eyes somehow looked even darker than usual. Stormier, as if there was much more going on in his head than normal. Still beautiful, though.
Eddie was beautiful. Buck had thought about that more than once. He’d had vague dreams of people that looked a little bit like Eddie—probably were Eddie—that had him waking up with a moan half-out of his lips as his eyes fluttered open in the morning light. He’d imagined kissing him a few times, unsure of exactly when he’d started looking at him or thinking of him like that, and it wasn’t uncommon anymore to muse about how alluring he found those still, pool-like brown irises, or for his thoughts to wander to what his lips might taste like if he leaned in and caught one between his own.
Eddie cleared his throat and bumped his knee against Buck’s. ‘If we make it out of here alive, I’m picking up Chris and getting pizza. I’m pretty sure he’ll be ecstatic to see his Buck in the passenger seat.’
Ninety. ‘Wait…you mean it?’
‘I’m sick of trying to hold this stupid grudge, Buck. It’s not healthy for me, it’s hurting Chris, and it’s doing even worse things to you.’
Eighty. Sixty. Thirty-five. Twenty.
‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being an ass and taking my anger at the situation out on you. You were doing what was right for you and didn’t realise what dirty shit that lawyer was going to pull, and I should have been supportive of you. I know you were just trying to get back to us.’
Fifteen.
Ten.
Six.
A piece of rubble shifted to their right, and before they could say anything else, Chim popped his head through the gap, grinning. ‘Feels like Die Hard IRL doing this. There’s a clear path through here. Tight squeeze, but you should be able to get out if you’re careful.’
Buck sniffed and smiled. ‘How did you find us?’
Chim shrugged. ‘Followed the light and the sound. You and Eddie have such dulcet tones it’s hard not to notice them even in a crumbling building.’
Eddie laughed and nudged Buck’s arm. ‘You hear that? He thinks our voices are sexy and calming.’
‘Ah, Chim, I always knew you had a thing for both of us Buckley siblings.’
Chim rolled his eyes. ‘You keep telling yourself that. Come on. Out, both of you.’
When they were back out in the open with Hen checking them for injuries, Eddie nudged his upper arm again and shot him a half-smile. ‘Seriously, Buck. You, me, Chris, pizza tonight? And just so you know, I didn’t keep Chris from coming to your birthday. He came down with whatever stomach thing was going around his school, and I caught it the next day. So I believe I owe you cake too.’
Buck whipped around to look at him, almost knocking Hen in the face with his shoulder. ‘You didn’t skip it because you didn’t want to see me?’
‘I think I might have still been pissed at you then, but if I’d made it, it probably wouldn’t have built back up and we probably would have had this done with a lot sooner. Your absence in our lives has been affecting him too, Buck. Come to ours tonight.’ Eddie looked him in the eyes, and if Buck knew Eddie didn’t—couldn’t—feel what he felt, he would have sworn he was looking at him like he was the only other person in the world along with his son.
Five percent.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
Hen gave them both the all-clear, giving Buck a quick peck on one cheek and rubbing it with her thumb like he was a little kid. ‘All good, Buckaroo?’
He nodded. ‘All good.’
On the way back to the station, Eddie shuffled up to his side on the seat, knocking his knee against his again, and he could have sworn he caught Bobby’s knowing grin staring back at him in the mirror.
Eddie elbowed his arm, shot him another calm smile, and the last percent finally ticked down to zero.
When Christopher walked up to him for the first time in months, looking like he’d grown an inch-and-a-half already and even stronger on his crutches than before, Buck had burst into tears before he could even wrap his arms around him.
Chris immediately hugged him tight, kissing him on his cheek, then pulled back with a grimace. ‘I missed you, but your face is a bit rough. Did you forget to shave?’
He laughed, the sound a little hysterical. ‘Yeah, sorry buddy. I was in a huge rush to see you.’
‘I missed you a lot. Dad said you two had an argument over a suit, and he said some stupid things that hurt you. He didn’t think you’d forgive him, even after I told him to just say he’s sorry and that you’d look good in a suit. He agreed, but he still didn’t think you’d forgive him.’
Over Chris’s shoulder, Eddie’s eyes widened, mouth moving but no words coming out. Buck smiled through the last of his tears, gaze locked on his, and he watched a deep pink flush fill his friend’s cheeks. ‘Is that so?’
‘Yeah.’ It was probably meant to be a whisper, but came out a little louder. Chris leaned close, speaking closer to his ear. ‘Dad’s bad at expressing things.’
‘Expressing, huh? Big word.’
‘I got an A on my spelling test this week. Expressing was one of the words.’
‘Nice work, buddy. You should be proud of yourself and how hard you worked to get all those words right. For that, you should definitely pick the movie we watch tonight.’ Buck put Christopher back down on his feet, letting him go over to the living room. He looked back up to Eddie, amused at the floundering that he seemed to be doing over Chris’s revelation.
He stepped closer. ‘So you agree with Christopher that I look good in a suit?’
Eddie rolled his eyes, face still scarlet. ‘That’s your takeaway from this conversation?’
Buck’s smile softened. ‘You really thought I wouldn’t forgive you?’
‘Still not sure I forgive myself. I called you exhausting, but you’re anything but. You give everyone around you energy, and uplift them. And…I stomped all over that and almost drove you out of the one place I could still see you even when we weren’t talking.’ The last few words came out shaky, and Eddie swallowed. ‘I almost drove you away. I can’t believe I did that.’
Buck drew Eddie into a hug, giving him a quick squeeze before holding him at arms length. ‘That’s over now. Now get the plates and some beer. I want to spend tonight with my two favourite guys.’
The pizza was finished, the beer bottles emptied, and Chris’s single can of grape soda was drained dry and crushed and tossed in the recycling. The credits on the movie rolled—Mulan was still in his top ten list of animated movies and Christopher’s tastes seem to run parallel—and Buck carried Christopher to bed, tucking him in and offering to read him something.
Instead of a yes, though, Buck got a little head-shake, and Chris reached over to his nightstand for a book. It was thicker, heavier than the ones he’d read with him before; he’d moved up a reading group, maybe two, in the time he and Eddie hadn’t been speaking, and Buck felt a little twinge of pride. It was just a few months, but it felt like he’d missed a lifetime.
‘Dad said I should read by myself until I fall asleep sometimes. Go spend time with him. He missed you a lot.’
‘You sure?’
‘I’m sure. I can fight the monsters with my crutches.’
Buck laughed, ruffling Chris’s brown curls before planting a kiss on his forehead. ‘You’re growing up way too fast for me, kiddo. Sweet dreams.’
‘Sweet dreams, Buck. Love you.’
He froze in the doorway, heart clenching and tears springing to his eyes again. ‘Love you too, Chris. So much.’
When he rejoined Eddie on the couch, Eddie handed him the remote. ‘Unless you can find something more compelling to watch, I’m putting on Outlander.’
‘Outlander? Seriously?’
‘Blame Abuela. She has a thing for the old guy who plays Murtagh and I had to listen in gruesome detail what she’d like to do to him. But…the woman who plays Claire is pretty good eye candy.’ He paused. ‘The guy who plays Jamie isn’t bad either.’
The mouthful of the beer Buck had just cracked opened and sipped ended up across the coffee table. He coughed and spluttered around the bitter droplets, shaking his head.
Eddie patted him on the shoulder. ‘You okay?’
‘Uh yeah, just, uh…’ He blinked, red-eyed, and tried to suck in another ragged breath without coughing again. ‘You said…guy. As in, male?’
‘Yeah.’ Eddie shifted, sitting up a little. The move was defensive; his shoulders were tense, suddenly stiffer set against the back of the couch. ‘I, um, yeah. A kind of late bisexual awakening thing. Whoever told me it was a good idea to watch Station 19 in my spare time had no idea what they were bringing out of me.’
‘…Which one?’
‘I think from episode one, to be honest—‘
Buck laughed, shaking his head and smacking his forehead with his free palm. ‘No, Eddie, which firefighter?’
‘Oh of—yeah, I’m an idiot. Ben Warren. Bailey’s husband in Grey’s Anatomy. Which I also started watching, but you already know that’s your fault.’
Buck tilted his head from side to side. ‘Good taste, although I’m more of a Matt Casey from Chicago Fire guy myself. Wouldn’t kick Warren out of bed, though. Or Mark Sloan. Or Jackson Avery for that matter. Damn, Grey’s Anatomy has some really hot guys in it…’ He trailed off, staring at the empty patch of wall next to the TV.
Eddie’s shoulders relaxed. ‘You’re bi too?’
Buck scratched the back of his neck, chewing his lip. ‘Uh, yeah. Known for a really long time. Remember the time I mentioned an Erica in my list of Buck 1.0 conquests? Might have actually been an Eric. And the Alexa? Alexei. And his brother Ivan…and yes, before you ask, that was the Ivana I told you about. I played up to the stereotype and made other bi folk look really bad. That part I regret, though.’ He sipped from the bottle again, the gulp going down without a problem this time. He wasn’t even thirsty anymore; he just wanted to hide the shaking that had overtaken his hands. Eddie’s bisexual. Eddie is bi. Eddie. Bi. ‘No Outlander. You wanna watch another movie?’
‘To be honest, I kind of just wanna catch up. I feel like I missed so much being an angry asshole. Tell me about your birthday, what you’ve been doing, anything. I wanna hear all of it.’
Buck relayed the things he’d gotten up to in detail, omitting the reason for buying a new watch and deciding it was time to start wearing the lightweight fabric wristbands he'd taken to. The thin scars they hid were almost completely healed, barely visible now, but that was more due to some careful stitching his wounds after he was done rather than their shallowness of them. Even so, Eddie had seemingly picked up on the addition of the new accessories; halfway through showing him his new watch and the blood pressure and heart rate features, Eddie had reached over and pulled down the band on his left wrist, stroking his thumb down the thin flat line left behind.
The guilt pulled at his forehead, his jaw, his lips as they pressed into a line. ‘When you did this, was it to try and end things?’
Buck pulled his arm back, touching to the line. It was almost invisible, could be mistaken for one of the thin creases in his skin where his wrist met his hand. ‘It was. But I didn’t cut down far enough to get the artery, and by that time, the thought had gone and I regretted it, and all I wanted to do was get it stitched up and forget I tried to do that. It was fleeting, I swear. And I regret it.’
‘Does anyone else know?’ Eddie’s voice came out shaky, tight.
‘Bobby. He caught it when my sleeve moved, and threatened to get me put in a psych hold if I didn’t stop and get therapy.’ He looked up into Eddie’s face, and froze.
He looked broken. He wasn’t crying, but the wet glassiness of his eyes, the swell underneath them told Buck that the slightest provocation could set him off. His lips were parted, shallow breaths slipping from between them, and his brow was drawn together and tense, like the weight of the problems of everyone in the world was resting on his shoulders.
Eddie shook his head, reached for his arm to touch the scar again. ‘I did this to you, didn’t I? I pushed you to this. How the fuck can you stand being in the same room as me?’
‘Eddie…okay, all things considered? The whole thing where we weren’t talking didn’t help things. But I was headed for this road without you. I’ve been working through things in therapy, and all the little things I didn’t act on as a kid and a teenager were apparently suicidal thoughts even if I didn’t do anything or really know they counted. Like…when someone got hurt and I thought it should have been me, or wishing I didn’t exist for a few minutes, or like I could just fall asleep and never wake up. The self-destructiveness and a lot of the daredevil stuff as well. Some of it was thrill-seeking. Some of it was just…trying to feel something. It was coming without you.’ He turned his arm in Eddie’s grip, stroking fingertips against the smooth inside of his wrist in soothing circles.
‘Did you have any of those thoughts when we were trapped before?’
‘…Some. It’s been a rough week.’
‘Fuck.’ Eddie leaned, kissed Buck’s wrist over the scarring. ‘Fuck fuck fuck, I can’t believe you were going through this. I should have been there for you. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me.’
‘Well, I wasn’t there for you when you needed me either. Maybe we can call it even.’
‘Don’t even joke about that.’
‘Eddie, I took out a lawsuit because I wanted my job back. If you hadn’t noticed, I don’t exactly take rejection well, and it kinda causes me to spiral. Like I said, therapy, working on it.’
The kiss really felt like fire. The sensation of his lips spread across his palm and up his forearm, and Buck bit back the little whine that wanted to escape. It had only been his wrist, but Eddie had kissed him. He shouldn’t read too much into it; it couldn’t have been more than a friend kiss. An apology kiss.
He leaned forward, pulling his arms back and wrapping them around Eddie’s shoulders. Immediately Eddie hugged back, one hand creeping up to stroke at the velvety short hair at the base of Buck’s neck, and Buck rubbed at the space between Eddie’s shoulders as warm tears soaked into the thin fabric of his t-shirt. It had been a long time since they’d hugged with so much force; the last time had been just after Shannon’s accident, and even that hadn’t felt like this one.
Eddie sniffed as he pulled back, the tension in his shoulders a little less than before. ‘It’s getting late. You wanna stay and cook Chris breakfast?’
Buck laughed. ‘You just want me to make chocolate chip pancakes.’
‘That too.’ He leaned back. ‘But I kind of want to make sure you’re safe tonight too.’
When Buck fell onto the free side of Eddie’s bed and Eddie patted his shoulder goodnight, he wondered whether Eddie had ever had dreams about him too.