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Grian knows it’s incredibly stupid. He’s killed the ender dragon five times, and that’s just today. It’s not his fault, he tells himself as he once again opens the folded poem that appeared in his pocket.
His eyes scan to the bottom of the page and his heart squeezes as he reads the words.
and the universe said I love you
and the universe said everything you need is within you
and the universe said you are stronger than you know
and the universe said you are the daylight
and the universe said you are the night
and the universe said the darkness you fight is within you
and the universe said the light you seek is within you
and the universe said you are not alone
and the universe said you are not separate from every other thing
and the universe said you are the universe tasting itself, talking to itself, reading its own code
and the universe said I love you because you are love.
If Grian told himself these things, he wouldn’t believe them. But he has to! It’s the universe speaking to him, so it has to be true. The horrid voice in his head whispers that every player gets the same note. The voice tells him that he’s not special. That his friends don’t care about him. That the universe doesn’t care about him, doesn’t know he exists.
He squeezes his eyes shut and when his eyes open again the paper is gone without a trace. That’s why he kills the dragon so many times, the paper always disappears.
It’s a flaw in the system if you ask Grian. If it’s supposed to make the people in this world feel good and loved then why does it always disappear? That’s when his communicator buzzes. He sighs and sits on the ground as he opens it.
> Xisuma: Grian, my stats say you’ve killed the ender dragon a lot today. Are
you alright?
He sighs. Yeah, his friends don’t know why he’s always in the End. What’s the problem? They’d think it’s stupid to care about words this much. They’d think he was an idiot. That he was just fishing for compliments. It’s not his fault that every word makes his heart squeeze, right?
> Grian: Yeah
Grian rubs his face and resigns to his fate. If he kills the dragon again then Xisuma will get suspicious and come check on him. If that happened, how would he play it off?
Grian shakes his head and walks back to the portal.
The voice tells him he should turn back, he should fight until his hands are bloody. The voice tells him he should fight until he feels he fought harder than he did for his friends on Evo. The voice laughs and says that wouldn’t be hard since he let them all die. The voice tells him if his friends found out about this then they’d think of him differently. The voice tells him that his friends would be dead soon since Grian is involved.
Grian swallows and enters the end portal. The experience is always jarring, your stomach lurches, and your vision spins. It’s always so dark too. He suddenly returns to the overworld and immediately sits down. That’s the thing about going to the End all the time, it makes you sick.
Even going every few months doesn’t feel great. Going every other day is torture.
The voice tells him he’s weak. The voice tells him that he’s the only one who gets sick. The voice tells him he’s faking. The voice tells him he’s doing this for attention.
Even though Grian’s head is still spinning, he gets up. He almost immediately needs to sit down again as the room seems to flip upside down. He blinks and it’s back to normal.
He blinks again and Xisuma is in front of him. When did Grian get on the floor? Grian tries to sit up but Xisuma lightly holds him down until Grian lays down again.
The voice tells him he should get up. The voice tells him that this is childish.
“X, What are you doing here?” Grian asks. His voice cracks in a manner that makes the voice laugh at him.
“You’ve been in the End too long, too frequently. I knew you’d be sick, so I came.” Xisuma says softly. He takes the cap off of a healing potion and hands it to Grian. Grian nods reluctantly and drinks the potion.
The voice tells him he wasted Xisuma’s time. The voice tells him it was foolish to waste a healing potion like this.
“Sorry for making you come all this way.” Grian apologizes sheepishly. Xisuma looks at him with an expression Grian can’t name.
“It’s fine, Grian. Everyone on this server, including me, is always happy to help you.” Grian’s heart soared at the words.
“Oh.” He says. Xisuma smiles at him and turns back to his communicator.
They sit in silence for a while. Finally, Xisuma’s communicator buzzes and he breaks the silence.
“Mumbo is coming,” Xisuma says. “He’s worried about you.”
Grian scuffs and pretends he doesn’t care about those words.
He can’t tell if he likes words that tell him he’s wanted because they make him feel loved or because they make the voice stop.
In record speed, a flying Mumbo Jumbo comes through the metal entrance.
“Oh my goodness. Grian! Are you okay?” Mumbo fusses.
Grian winces at the noise, “I’m fine, Mumbo.” Mumbo looks at Xisuma for confirmation and Xisuma shakes his head.
“Did you just lie to me, Grian?!” His voice hits a high pitch in accusation. Grian struggles not to laugh.
“You laugh now but I have Doc at your mansion and he’s not going to be pleased with you.” Grian immediately stops laughing. Even the voice in his head can’t intervene. Grian loves his friends.
Grian admittedly passes out as soon as he even attempts to fly. He doesn’t know how he got home, to be honest. But he did.
When he wakes up he’s in his bed surrounded by his friends on all sides. All whispering to each other intensely.
“Should we wake him up?” “No, Iskall, that’s a bad idea.” “Is it?” “Doc, is it?” “Yes.” “Oh.”
Grian realizes from the voices that Xisuma is no longer there. Grian is slightly happy, he doesn’t want to waste any more of the admin's time. They seem to realize that Grian is awake and immediately start talking again.
“Grian!” Iskall says cheerfully. “Finally, you left us waiting, you know.”
Grian smiles, his head only hurts slightly. “Didn’t mean to.” His voice is dry and hoarse.
“Here.” Scar rushes up to get him water. Doc sighs.
“Scar, you better not trip. I don’t want to take care of both of you.” Iskall and Mumbo giggle in unison. Doc flashes them a lighthearted glare.
Scar returns and gives Grian the water. Grian thanks him. The voice in his head decides to make its return.
The voice tells him that he’s a burden. The voice tells him he interrupted his friends’ schedules. The voice tells him he’s not that special.
“I’m sorry to interrupt your guys’ schedules.” They all share a look.
“I didn’t have any plans today.” Doc starts. The others tune in with various forms of ‘me neither.’
“And even if we did, you’re worth breaking a schedule.” Scar smiles.
Doc clears his throat and sits down. “Grian, we do need to ask you something.”
Grian recognizes the sudden tense energy in the room and looks between everyone. “Okay? What is it?” He asks nervously.
“We need to know why you’ve been in the End so much,” Mumbo asks, surprisingly serious.
Grian laughs uncomfortably, “Uh…”
“We wouldn’t ask but Xisuma needs to know.” Doc says, “It’s for your safety and we believe you’re putting yourself in danger purposefully.”
“It’s not like it’s a hardcore world.” He counters.
“Grian, why won’t you just tell us?” Iskall asks softly.
The voice in his head says they’re going to know. The voice in his head says that he’s screwed up. The voice in his head says they’ll all leave him. The voice in his head is thriving on Grian’s panic.
“Um. It’s nothing really, uh, just XP grinding.” When the words leave his mouth he realizes how utterly ridiculous they sound and how they make no sense.
“You could have used my gold farm, Grian.” Iskall says in a voice that makes Grian’s skin crawl because what did he do to earn that kind of pity?
“Look, it’s nothing. I’ll be fine, I won’t do it again, and we can forget all about this.” Grian pleads.
Scar shakes his head, “Grian, you can trust us. We won’t leave you. We just want to make sure you’re okay, we want you to be safe.” The others nod in agreement.
Grian swallows. The voice tells him he should stay silent. The voice tells him they’re liars. “I… Uh. It sounds stupid.” He chuckles.
“It’s okay, Grian. We won’t judge you.” Doc says genuinely. Grian closes his eyes.
“I have this voice in my head.” He can feel the looks on their faces even with his eyes closed. “Not like that. It just tells me that everything will go wrong or I don’t deserve love. Things like that. The only way I can counter it is with positive words, so…”
“The End poem,” Doc says and Grian nods. He opens his eyes and he can see looks of acknowledgment on their faces.
“Grian,” Mumbo sighs, “Why didn’t you just ask us?”
Grian curls in on himself. “I thought you’d think it was stupid.”
“Oh, Grian,” Mumbo says softly.
“We’d never think that was stupid. We care about you, Grian. We care.” Iskall says.
Grian sits up.
“Group hug!” Scar shouts cheerfully and he wraps his arms tightly around Grian. Mumbo and Iskall join in, Iskall only making fun of them slightly.
Doc stands off to the side laughing at them. Iskall stops hugging for a moment to beckon Doc over.
“No. I’m not joining that mess.” Doc says.
“Oh, get over here.” Iskall pulls Doc into the pile.
The voice in Grian’s head tells him this won’t last forever.
Grian tells it to shut up.
And quietly the universe whispers,
I love you because you are loved.