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"Stupid cook," Zoro mutters. He places the last dish into the drying rack with a hand much gentler than his voice and turns around, watching Sanji light up. His one visible eyebrow rises.
"Wow, Zoro," Sanji says after a long drag and exhale. "Tell me how you really feel."
"Shut it," says Zoro, rolling his eye.
"You're breaking my heart, mossball," Sanji shoots back. Zoro scoffs.
"Come on. You know, it's Usopp's day to do the dishes. Figured us dating would mean less chores for me, not more. So what the hell gives?"
"Oh, right," Sanji says, coming around the island that separates the kitchen and the dining room and marching right up to Zoro until he can smell the soap on his hands. He leans in and exhales, and Zoro feels the smoke wash over him. "No possible reason I would want to make an excuse to get some time alone with my boyfriend. Right?"
"Okay, asshole," Zoro says, and he grabs Sanji's tie and pulls until their lips meet, and they tangle together there, standing, at the counter. They breathe into one another, breathe as one, hands grasping to pull themselves into one another, here a moan from Sanji's mouth, there a curse from Zoro's. And the mood is right, so Sanji says something a little dramatic, something that Zoro would normally smirk at.
"Say my name."
He hears Zoro's breath hitch, and for a second apprehension curls in his stomach, and then he hears it: "Sanji." It's a breath, a half-exhale, the sexiest thing Sanji has ever heard.
"Again."
"Sanji..." And Sanji holds tighter on to Zoro, leans in and kisses him, feels Zoro's arms wrap around him and knows they both want the moment to last forever. Finally he manages to pull away, and it's mostly because he wants it, to hear it again from Zoro's mouth, and he knows Zoro is ready to say it.
"Again!"
"Hey, Sanji," Chopper says. "Do we have any fresh cabbage? Usopp got a little burn down in the workshop and we're running low on the proper ointment, so I thought I'd just improvaaaaaaaaaaah!"
For a second, all three of them freeze.
Then Sanji and Zoro break apart and Chopper spins around, hooves over his eyes. Zoro, yanking his pants back up, yells "You didn't lock the door?" as Chopper is screaming over and over "I'm sorry I didn't see anything I'm sorry I didn't see anything I'm sorry I didn't see--" and Sanji, hopping on the spot trying to tug his own pants into place, can only weakly protest "I forgot!"
By the next morning Zoro has forgiven him enough to kiss him. Right after he says "You're going to have to talk to him about it."
"I know," Sanji grumbles. "Just... fine. I will."
He fixes breakfast first. And does the breakfast dishes. And prepares everything he can reasonably prepare for lunch. And reorganizes the fridge. And the pantry. Twice.
Finally, once the entire kitchen is in order and lunch still an hour away, Sanji can put it off no longer, and he walks into the infirmary - making sure to knock first.
"Hey," he says cautiously. Chopper is seated, facing away from the kitchen door. Sanji hovers awkwardly until the little doctor turns and looks up at him.
"Zoro talked to me already," he says. Sanji raises his eyebrow.
"Oh," he says. Then why did the damn mossball tell him to... whatever. At least he's off the hook. "Okay." Sanji nods. "Then, uh... well! Great. I should go, then. Lots to do." Which is really just the worst lie, unless he wants to polish all the spoons a second time.
"Wait," says Chopper, and before Sanji can really react their little doctor has expanded to ceiling-scraping height, grabbed him by the collar, and yanked him into the infirmary before closing the door behind him. Sanji is placed on the infirmary bed, feeling more than a little like a ragdoll, and blinks as Chopper shrinks back down, looking him in the eye as seriously as his little teddy-bear form can.
"Are you using condoms?"
Sanji just stares. His mouth opens, but no sound emerges. Chopper matches his stare, tiny face set in a hilariously serious expression. Finally, Sanji manages a halting syllable.
"Um..."
"I talked to Zoro too," Chopper says. "He told me it was all right to share what we discussed, so I can tell you that he let me know you guys are being safe. But I need to make sure you're on the same page. You're using condoms, right?"
"Yes?" Sanji shakes his head, managing to ground himself. "Yes. Yes, uh, we are. I buy some whenever we're in port. So, uh--"
"Good." Chopper cuts him off and hops down from his little chair. As he crosses over to the cabinets lining the wall, he speaks in a confident, rapid-fire burst. "Of course, there's no worries about pregnancy with you two. But there are sexually transmitted diseases to worry about, and while I've run all of Zoro's tests --"
"What?"
Chopper pushes past Sanji's exclamation. "He's all clear. He asked me to let you know. Anyway, I know you haven't had any tests done with me, so just to be safe, you should be using protection. If you've gotten tested while we've been docked at any of the islands we've visited in the last six months, you still should be clear, so you could safely skip protection, but using it is still safest. Unless you've had any other partners. Have you had any other partners?" Chopper opens one of the cabinets and pulls out a basket full of - to Sanji's horror - familiar little packets. "If you ever run out, by the way..."
"No!" Sanji's face is getting redder, but he finds himself powerless to stop it. "I'm not fu- messing around! No other partners! Just Zoro!"
"No women?" Chopper looks up at Sanji. He bites through the end of his cigarette.
"No," he says, jaw clenched.
"All right," Chopper says. "So, no worries about pregnancy."
"Look" Sanji says. "I was really just going to come in and make sure you weren't confused about anything, so--"
"Confused?"
"About... you know..." Sanji clears his throat. "What... me and Zoro were doing."
"Sex."
"Yes," Sanji says. He contemplates covering his eyes. If he can't see what's happening, perhaps it will all turn out to be a dream.
"Okay." Chopper nods. "No, I understand. Doctorine taught me everything about it. Academically, I mean. Plus I saw it a lot in my old herd."
"Great." Sanji stands up. "And, you know, you understand two men--"
"Of course!" Chopper looks up at Sanji with a perfectly innocent horror. "Sanji, I would never shame you for that! Homosexuality is perfectly natural in humans! And reindeer. But it's normal, and healthy, and as long as you're using protection, there aren't any health concerns that differ too much from heterosexual couples." He pauses. "As long as you're using proper lubrication. Sanji, are you using--"
"Yes!" Sanji explodes, more out of sheer awkward energy than anger. "We are! Zoro and I are having perfectly safe gay sex, and we know it's normal, and we know it's okay, and we're using condoms and lube and everything!"
"Oh," says Luffy.
Sanji resolutely refuses to look at the door to the kitchen.
"Oh, no," Chopper says. "I'm so sorry! Sanji, I forgot to lock the door!"
"I was trying to cut an apple," Luffy says, holding up his hand where, true enough, a small cut is dribbling red. "I can come back later, though."
"No," Sanji says. "We're done. Are we done, Chopper?"
"Yes," Chopper says. "Are you sure you don't want any condoms?"
At that point, Sanji breaks into a sprint.
Later, he and Zoro are sharing a drink on the lawn after dinner. (Usopp and Luffy are doing the dishes.) Everyone else is somewhere about the ship, out of reasonable earshot, so Sanji leans over and, blushing slightly, says "I talked to Chopper."
"Okay," Zoro says. "Good." He takes a swig. "So you got tested?"
"Oh." Sanji blinks. "Right. Um." He clears his throat. "Not yet. Tomorrow."
Zoro nods. "That's fine," he says. "I trust you."
Sanji sighs. "Thank you," he says, and rests his head on Zoro's shoulder. He feels his boyfriend's arm wrap around his waist, and the tension finally drains out of his body. He smiles. "I love you."
Something hits him in the back of the head.
Sanji reaches around. He freezes as his fingers touch the wrapper.
Slowly, very slowly, he turns to see Luffy in the door to the dining room.
"There you go!" He gives a thumbs up and huge grin. "In case you guys are going to have sex! Wait, did you have sex already? Usopp, are they having sex?"
Sanji hears a machine-gun burst of laughter from behind Luffy, accompanied by a crash as Usopp drops the plate he was drying. Luffy cocks his head, clearly very confused. Zoro is looking between captain and cook, lips formed around the first syllable of the first of many questions.
Sanji leans forwards and puts his head in his hands, and decides to just fuck in the crow's nest next time.