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The smell was what she had noticed first.
It was a sterile, chemical scent and it made her feel nauseous.
Then, she noticed a piece of plastic attached to her nose, and the cool sensation it left on her skin.
The awkward position that her head was in.
Beeping, that was probably coming from some sort of machine.
And a general numbness that was spread throughout her body.
I must be at the hospital.
She had absolutely no desire to open her eyes. She tried to move her hand to see if she would be able to.
That was when she heard someone say her name ever so softly. The syllables were calling her back to life and Gwen felt her eyelids flutter open.
Immediately, she wanted to shut them tightly again due to the bright fluorescent lights on the ceiling. She vaguely made out MJ’s silhouette, who was now clutching onto the same hand that Gwen had tried to move.
The same hand that she hadn't been able to move.
"My god, you're awake." MJ's voice was more of a sob rather than a string of words that carried meaning.
Gwen struggled to speak up, she guessed that it was from the drugs that they had given her so she wouldn't feel the pain. The drugs that had completely knocked out the senses in her body. Desperately, she wanted MJ to call a doctor so they could sort out the dosage they were giving her so that she could move again.
"MJ," she managed to whisper and was surprised at how raspy her voice sounded to her own ears.
MJ let out a sob and used her shaky fingers to push back Gwen's hair, "You can speak."
Gwen didn't particularly enjoy the tone of surprise in MJ's voice.
"Do you remember what happened, baby?"
The word ‘baby’ had Gwen spiraling down memories.
The Vulture, yelling and goading for Gwen to follow after him.
She shoots sling after sling of webs, and swings through the air freely.
From the corner of her eye, she sees MJ’s car following her from down below.
The Vulture cackles loudly before he lifts his right arm.
The last thing Gwen sees is a flash of red before she feels herself falling.
Falling.
Falling.
Everything becomes a blur and all she can vaguely make out is someone calling her “baby.”
Over and over.
Gwen’s eyes widened in shock. “I fell.” She started to panic and could see MJ squeezing her hand tighter. She can see but cannot feel. The wave of nausea hit her again.
“You did.” MJ looked a mess and now Gwen could see why. She wanted to console her but her body was unable to move. Again, she blamed it on the heavy narcotics they must have given her. “I’m gonna call the doctor now.”
MJ stood up and she looked at Gwen one last time before she exited the cold hospital room they were in.
“I need you to know that I love you, baby. And this doesn’t change anything.”
Gwen couldn’t understand what she had meant.
But when MJ returned shortly with a middle aged woman in a white lab coat, who was most probably a doctor, Gwen noticed that she was having a hard time focusing on what was being said.
Crushed spinal cord.
MJ looked tiny behind the woman.
Dislocated C4 vertebrae.
So fragile.
…. might not be able to feel….
Gwen wanted to embrace MJ.
…a general numbness…
To tell her that everything would be alright.
You’ll be attending physical therapy.
But Gwen felt her eyes shutting, she couldn’t seem to fight the urge to fall asleep.
To let the darkness embrace her. Darkness promised tranquility. And all the words Gwen was hearing only made her feel overwhelmed.
She let the darkness take over.
-
It had been a tough week. Tough being an understatement. Gwen didn't want to accept the fact that she wouldn’t be able to move or feel her body again. The doctors had said that she was lucky. Lucky that she was able to move her neck. Lucky because sometimes people with the exact same injuries would lose all feeling below their chin.
She didn’t want to accept it.
Didn’t want to accept that she wouldn’t be able to feel her body again. That she wouldn’t be able to be able to feel the wind against her skin, let alone to not be able to walk.
It was all too much.
And she had denied it at first. Claimed that it was the drugs that had numbed her. The drugs that had made her lose control over her bladder, that made her feel so numb she kept searching for her own body that was still connected to her head.
Then she had claimed that she would be alright. Mumbling over and over to MJ that she would get better, because she was Spider-Gwen, she would be able to do anything that she set her mind to.
And MJ, bless her, she had been patient. She had been so patient that Gwen wanted to cry at times, to yell at her and say that this wasn’t normal. That she had every right to leave and not waste her precious time over a broken ex-hero.
Ex-Hero.
Gwen had first realized that she was now an ex-hero when she had been discharged from the hospital. When she had come home with MJ and her parents, they had helped her out of her wheelchair into her bed. After she was under the covers, her parents had excused themselves into the kitchen and that was when it hit her. The time she had spent at the hospital had felt like a dream, almost as if it wasn’t real. But when Gwen was finally back in the place where she felt most comfortable, she had realized that it was all over.
Her life of fighting crime and her search for justice had ended.
And that was when she finally let herself cry.
She hadn’t even felt MJ embracing her, only felt her soft red hair brushing against her cheek, and their tears mixing into one another as MJ placed soft kisses on her skin.
“Everything is going to be alright,” MJ whispered and Gwen wanted to believe her.
But she found that she didn’t have the will to.
-
MJ had been there.
She had been there with her during her first physical therapy appointment. She had given words of praise, cheered her, placed kisses all over her face but what had truly given Gwen the strength she needed was MJ simply being there. All the rest was helpful, yes, but seeing her there had been enough. Seeing that someone was there to be with her as she went through all these new stages in her life gave her the strength to continue.
To wake up to every new day and enjoy the shine of the sun.
-
The first time Gwen actually believed that at least some things would be alright was when MJ rushed in after school one day. She was overly excited.
“What’s the matter?” Gwen asked. Her mouth was dry and she wanted to ask for a glass of water but she just couldn’t bring herself to. She knew her parents or MJ would easily bring her a glass, but it didn’t change the fact that Gwen felt like a burden. She had always been one to do everything by herself and now the thought of needing to ask for a drink of water was terrible. Usually, Gwen would wait until someone offered, or she would wait until the last moment.
“Look!” MJ had her phone out and she held it in front of Gwen so she would be able to see the screen easily.
It was a picture of a wheelchair.
“I’ve already got a wheelchair, M.”
MJ’s eyes were bright, “No, this is one that you control with a straw. So you won’t be dependent on us to move!” Even though Gwen knew that MJ meant no harm with her words, that she was only trying to help, the words still cut straight into her, nonetheless.
“I didn’t know I was causing trouble.” Gwen’s tone was filled with ice despite herself.
“No, no, baby. I didn’t mean it like that. You know I didn’t. You could never cause trouble to me, baby. I just thought you’d appreciate a chance to be able to move around again, I’m sorry.” MJ looked heartbroken and panicked, which made Gwen instantly regret what she had said.
“I’m sorry. I just-” She clenched her teeth, one of the rare movements she was still able to manage. “It’s hard and I don’t know what to do.” Gwen felt the need to break something, and her restrictions further frustrated her.
“I know.” MJ managed a hesitant smile and reached over to stroke Gwen’s cheek. Gwen closed her eyes and relished in the feeling. MJ had noticed how important it was for Gwen to actually be able to feel physical contact.
“I’d love that,” Gwen said with her eyes falling on the phone. “And could you maybe bring me a glass of water?”
MJ nodded and hopped off the bed to go fetch her a glass.
Gwen let out the breath she had been holding.
-
Sometimes, she felt rage.
Rage against the world, against invisible enemies that had no faces.
The sense of unfairness would always have her spiraling down a pool of anger. The need to demolish things would surface but it would only make things worse, reminding her that she was bound to a life with no movement.
In a world where everything was given value depending on speed, where was Gwen supposed to fit in?
MJ would always manage to soothe her if she was over at times like this, but she wasn’t always there.
Those were the hardest days to overcome.
-
It had been ages since she had giggled like this.
No, not a simple giggle, it was genuine laughter, the kind that rumbled through your chest freely. Even though Gwen couldn’t fully feel the sensation, she could recall how it was to laugh. The way her lungs would ache, and she would shake uncontrollably.
It wasn’t the same, but it felt the same.
Her and MJ were in her living room and they were trying to figure out how to use the wheelchair that had just arrived. MJ had moved all the furniture to the side so she would be able to navigate freely.
So far, she had managed to bump into all of the furniture at least twice and they were having the time of their lives.
“Okay, okay. I’m gonna be serious now,” Gwen said, desperately trying to hold a straight face but she wasn’t really managing as she snorted loudly.
MJ was laughing so hard she was holding her stomach. Gwen felt like they were teenagers again. After everything that had transpired, she had forgotten how to simply laugh.
Gwen blew into the straw once again and managed to stop the wheelchair just before she crashed into the armchair.
“You did it, baby!” MJ screamed and punched the air in triumph. She rushed over to kiss Gwen on her temple. Her lips were warm and soothing.
“I love you,” Gwen said. A broad smile appeared on MJ’s lips. She dropped herself on Gwen’s lap, wrapped her arms around Gwen’s neck and this time placed a kiss on her lips.
“Love you too,” she murmured.
Gwen lost herself in the softness of her kiss.
-
“I brought donuts!”
MJ coming over for breakfast had become a routine and Gwen would find herself counting the minutes as she spent time on her voice activated computer.
“Someone’s feeling naughty today,” Gwen chuckled and watched as her girlfriend brought over the tray that would hover over her knees. It was the type of tray that resembled a small table and Gwen was glad that it wasn’t one that would be placed directly on her legs. She wouldn’t be able to bear the sight of an object laying idly on her limbs that she wasn’t even able to feel.
“A little sweetness won’t hurt anyone,” MJ said as she placed the box of donuts on the tray and opened the lid.
“No, I guess it won’t.” There was an assortment of delicacies in the box and Gwen felt her mouth water.
“Which one do you wanna eat?” MJ asked.
“You know which one I want.” There was a taunting smile on Gwen’s lips.
“I do, but I should always ask, it’s not polite you see-”
Gween cut her words with a chuckle, “Fine, you’re right. The strawberry one, of course.”
MJ shrugged but she seemed pleased, “I’m always right.”
As MJ broke the donut into smaller pieces, Gwen felt a sense of gratitude fill her heart.
-
Some days were better than others.
Some days were the worst she had ever experienced.
Gwen was alone in her room, reading from her computer that she had gotten used to. The book she was reading was a typical detective story. ın one scene the detective and his partner had entered a night club to investigate. All was well up into a paragraph that depicted the band on the stage. It mentioned the drummer, who had apparently lost themselves in the music, rocking their body as their hands created magic.
Gwen couldn’t stop the sob that escaped her throat.
She remembered how much she enjoyed playing the drums as she cried with her tears falling onto her pajamas that seemed to be the only thing that she wore these days. Desperately, she tried to move her arms in an attempt to relive the scene in the book but they didn’t twitch, let alone imitate the same movements.
With deep panic settled on her face, Gwen’s mum rushed into the room. She didn’t say a word when she saw her daughter wailing for the past that she wouldn’t have access to again.
She simply held Gwen close and let her mourn.
Because she knew well that there was nothing more she could do.
-
MJ was looking through Gwen’s closet as Gwen watched her from her wheelchair. Heaps and heaps of clothes were piling upon her bed.
It was a lovely evening and MJ had mentioned that she had organized a surprise for her, and Gwen had anxiously waited all day.
Surprises were a whole new territory for her since the accident. She had been sticking to a routine and it helped her feel grounded. Control was a rare thing she had access to in her new life, and a routine was the easiest way to gain it.
“This will look amazing!” MJ was holding out a light blue dress that Gwen had purchased a while back.
“I’m not sure,” Gwen protested silently but MJ was not going to give up easily.
“Oh come on,” MJ said with a slight pout to her lips. Gwen couldn’t help but notice what a luxury it was to simply lean forward and kiss her. It was the little things like that made her notice just how much she had lost. Being a hero? She could live without. But not being able to pick up a cup of coffee and drink it? It was much harder to process.
It felt unreal.
“Baby?” MJ offered tentatively. “What if I tell you that I’m taking you on a date?”
Despite all the doubts she was having, Gwen felt her face light up. She wanted to show how happy she was from her face alone and was hoping that MJ would understand that.
MJ always understood.
She crouched down on a knee, and held Gwen’s hand. Even though Gwen couldn’t feel a thing, the subtext of the gesture alone made her tear up.
“Don’t ever forget how much I love you. You’re beautiful. You’re my everything and I’m gonna take you on this amazing date and I’m gonna spoil you, baby.” MJ was solemn with her words, she apparently did not want Gwen thinking that this was simply a game to her. “Will you allow me to take you on a date?”
Gwen shook her head a few times and that was all MJ needed as a response.
MJ helped her take a bath, then she assisted with some makeup of Gwen’s choice. The blue dress was perfect and when Gwen looked at her reflection in the mirror, she felt beautiful.
“Shall we go then?” MJ asked and Gwen swallowed deeply and nodded. Her mum dropped them off at a diner where MJ and Gwen had had their first date.
When her mum drove off, Gwen was glad that she could navigate the wheelchair by herself.
“Nothing fancy,” MJ said.
“No, no this is amazing. It’s where everything began.”
MJ smiled with a small nod and they made their way to the building. MJ mocked an overly assistive gentleman as she gestured her hands wildly and opened the door for Gwen. A laugh escaped Gwen’s lips.
Even though no one was really looking, Gwen felt as though there were a thousand eyes placed upon them. MJ brushed her thumb against Gwen’s face, and pulled out a chair to the side so she could get her wheelchair closer to the table.
“This is amazing,” Gwen said. MJ was sitting on the chair beside her. Her long red locks looked dazzling under the fluorescent lights.
“Not more amazing than you!”
Gwen chuckled before looking around the diner. It was exactly as she remembered it even though it felt like ages since she had actually come here.
“We should have the same exact things that we had on our first date,” Gwen blurted out.
“I’m sure you don’t even remember what we had.” MJ was grinning widely, clearly teasing her girlfriend.
“Of course I do! I bet you don’t, missy!”
“I do.” MJ grineed rather proudly, taking the plastic menu into her hands and looking over the items.
“Okay, so I had a cheeseburger with a double order of fries and a large slice of apple pie as dessert along with a strawberry milkshake because I’d been on duty that day and I was terribly hungry. I remember being nervous, wondering if you’d think I always ate that much but at that point, I was so hungry that I needed the calories,” a fondness started to fill her senses when Gwen started to reminisce that day, “And then you ordered a double hamburger with fries and you also had pie for desert and then I felt immensely relaxed. I knew that you were the one for me that day.”
MJ chuckled, “That’s awfully old fashioned to say.”
“I don’t care, it’s the truth.” Gwen wanted to kiss her girlfriend desperately, and MJ must have seen it on her face because she leaned over and pressed her lips to Gwen’s ever so gently. It was the waitress clearing her throat that pulled them apart. They both blushed, not being able to make eye contact with the woman as they ordered although she didn’t seem to care in the least. She was probably used to teenagers spending time at the place.
“Will that be all?” The woman asked as she looked up from her notepad.
“That will be all, thank you.” MJ had finally found the courage to look up at her and visibly relaxed when she noticed that the woman was indifferent to their public affection.
The waitress nodded and glanced over towards Gwen before leaving. When she opened her mouth, Gwen felt anxious, thinking that she was probably about to make some comment on her condition.
“Love the dress, honey. It suits you,” she said softly and smiled warmly.
Gwen was baffled and she barely managed to thank her before she left to give their order to the kitchen. She let out a shaky breath.
Maybe going outside wasn’t as big of a deal as she had initially thought. The thought of leaving the safety of her house for anything other than her physical therapy sessions and doctor appointments had become such a big of a deal in these last few months, that Gwen was sure she would have never been able to do it again. She had even come to terms with the idea that she was now an outcast that nobody wanted to see, or hear. As they waited for their burgers to arrive, Gwen started to think.
That wasn’t how it had to be.
If she herself thought that no one wanted her, how would she be able to change things?
And maybe that was what she should be focusing on.
Change.
Because change was inevitable and change hurt. Change wasn’t always this bright and shiny thing that self help books advertised. Change could be dark and twisted. And sometimes change could flip your whole life upside down and make you feel hopeless.
But the concept of change alone couldn’t exist without hope.
And Gwen could feel her mindset changing as their date progressed. Swinging from building to building wasn’t the only way she could help people.
As MJ helped her take a sip from her milkshake, Gwen felt hopeful and found the power in herself to change things once again.
-
It felt like a dream when she had managed to do it.
It wasn’t anything big, if you would ask anyone passing by on the street. It was no journey to the moon, or the cure for cancer. It was small, tiny even compared to what mankind could do.
But what are we as humans if we don’t celebrate the largest steps that we take?
Gwen had managed to shrug her shoulders and the cultural meaning to the movement itself was enough to make her laugh with pride. She could shrug now, and it felt like with each shrug she managed it helped her shrug off the initial self consciousness she had experienced. It may have been small but it was huge. It had her parents popping a bottle of fizzy as MJ and Gwen sang along to their favorite song.
She even attempted to shrug her shoulders to the beat which had them all spiraling into a frenzy of joy.
MJ had slept over that night and had fallen asleep curled up to Gwen.
She still couldn’t feel a thing.
And despite herself she found herself silently crying, trying her best so her girlfriend wouldn’t hear her weeping whilst mourning the life that she had once had.
-
“I think I’m ready.”
MJ was in the middle of reading her a comic when Gwen had decided to speak up.
“Ready for what, baby?”
They were in Gwen’s living room, and the old clock on the wall was ticking silently. It was silent but the sound it made was still persistent in the room.
“I think I’m ready to go back to school. I’ve been talking to mum and she also thinks it’s time.” Gwen’s voice was low but sure of herself.
MJ nodded and a smile started to appear on her face, “That’s great! When?”
Deciding to return to school was one thing but deciding the when was a completely different thing. Gwen found that she didn’t exactly have an answer to that as the clock continued to tick.
“That’s alright, baby. It doesn’t matter, whenever you feel ready. Besides, the only thing you’ve missed out on is how Rachel Cassidy slept with her best friend’s ex. My god, it was complete and utter madness!”
“So, I’m not missing anything from Math or History?” Gwen was amused.
“No,” MJ gestured dismissively, “nothing at all.”
They looked at each other for a moment before they started to chuckle.
When Gwen felt the laughter die down, she became serious again, “Maybe towards the end of the month. I’m not sure though, maybe you could help me figure it out.”
And even though she tried her best to hide it, Gwen could see that MJ was about to cry. It made her notice that this was probably the first time that she had actively seeked out help.
One step at a time.
She chuckled darkly at the irony of the words and thankfully, MJ either didn’t notice, or decided to ignore it.
“I’ll always be there, baby, you know that. You must know that. I love you and nothing changes that. Everything that happens, we’ll go through it together. So please, ask me. Just ask me and let me know what you need, Gwen. I’ll do anything for you. Anything that will make you happy. Cause you mean the world to me.”
Gwen couldn’t find the words and all she could seem to say was “I love you.” Hoping that they would convey everything that she wanted to say.
“Love you too, baby. And I never want you to forget that, okay?”
Gwen found tears streaming down her face.
Change.
Maybe it could be a positive thing at times.
-
The school was filled with sound.
Chattering.
The bell.
Students driving in and out of the parking lot.
A teacher who was warning a student who was skating in the halls.
And the sound of the wheels of her wheelchair scraping across the ground along with MJ’s footsteps right beside her.
A word to describe her feelings was overwhelming. Yes, she had started to leave the house more frequently thanks to MJ’s emotional support, but her senses felt overloaded after spending time in more isolated places for months.
It had been two weeks since their initial conversation with MJ about returning back to school, and they had built up to the idea together. Her parents had dealt with the official arrangements and MJ had started to bring back schoolwork from all the teachers who were willing to help her go through this process as smoothly as possible.
Gwen had felt her confidence return as she went over schoolwork, remembering that she was actually a successful student.
She felt a hand on her cheek, brushing against her flesh and looked up to see MJ smiling compassionately. She leaned down and whispered in her ear, “I’m here, baby. We can always get out of here if you want to.”
“No, no. I’m fine.” And she wanted to be fine. She wanted to be able to enter the class with a high head, to talk to her classmates again to answer the questions her teachers would ask. Gwen was determined and that was one of her best qualities. She was determined to get back to school and she would do just that.
“You ready then?”
They were both in front of the Literature class and students had already started to settle down. Gwen was actually looking forward to the lesson.
“Ayy, Gwen!” A classmate shouted from behind them When he came into their sight, Gwen saw that he was smiling broadly. “Welcome back, G!” And he patted her back without knowing that she wouldn’t feel a thing.
Still, his happiness brushed off on her and she smiled at MJ before they entered the class.
-
It was all going great.
Gwen was happy to be able to say that. She had been attending school for almost two months now, and everything was going great. Groaning about homework had become one of her greatest worries and Gwen had missed the mundane problems of day to day life.
She had started to roam on forums, finding people that were going through the same things as her. It was refreshing to speak about what she had gone through and what she was dealing with.
Sometimes she would spend hours talking to people until MJ would come over and they would either hang out at home or would go out to a nearby coffee shop, or to the park that was down the block to take in some fresh air. Gwen had come across quadriplegic Youtubers talking about their life and it had sparked something in her. On a brilliantly sunny day she had mentioned the idea of opening her own youtube channel to MJ.
To say the least, MJ was ecstatic. She had jumped around Gwen’s wheelchair coming up with various ideas for video concepts and the various name ideas for her channel.
“When should we start?” She had asked with glee.
“So you’ll help me?”
“I’ll ignore the surprised tone you’re using.” MJ had pouted but continued nonetheless, “Of course, I’ll help you, love. Of course, I will.”
“Thank you,” Gwen had whispered.
“Always.”
And they had started the preparations of starting the channel. Turns out, talking to a camera wasn’t as easy as it seemed. They had decided on the first video to be about a short summary of her life (without revealing her previous secret identity) and what she had felt when she was first told about her diagnosis.
They couldn’t go into detail about the accident because it would have directly revealed her identity but Gwen hadn’t wanted to go into detail about the event anyway, so it was no problem. The constant dreams of falling were enough for her to deal with anyway.
The first video had received positive feedback and they had continued their journey together. MJ helped her with filming, editing and managing her channel and was by her side at all times.
It was nice to see that a community was forming and that Gwen was managing to spread awareness about disabilities and how they affected one's life. She had met other quadriplegic Youtubers online and a few ideas for collaborations had emerged. MJ had even come up with an idea to donate a portion of her channel’s revenue to a foundation that helped people purchase wheelchairs.
Gwen was happy. Her ambition to help people had changed and transformed into a whole new area and she was glad that she was able to touch people’s lives in a completely different manner.
She had always known that she was destined to help people and nothing would be able to come in her way. Especially when she had MJ by her side, Gwen knew that everything was possible.
That everything could change.