Work Text:
All his life Kazutora had only known regret. He regretted every action and decision which got him to this moment.
Kazutora was convinced that he wasn’t supposed to have good things in his life and that it was his fault for allowing himself to have something, rather someone, someone who is actually real. And it was a known fact till today, that Kazutora destroyed absolutely everything that his touch caressed; that was the current fact he was mulling over.
His mother once told him about Hi-no Kagu-tsuchi, the God of Destructive Fire who burned his own mother. In a way, Kazutora felt like that too. In his own selfish beliefs, a twisted perspective he owns to comfort himself of his past, he believes that he was, still is a bad son, which is what he considers as the reason for his father's beatings. That was something which forever left him twisted; to a point where he could not let himself dream of ever owning something, let alone some one beautiful.
He considers for a bit, it was his fault. Always his fault. He messed up everything he touched- Anyone coming close to him was burnt to ashes till the winds swallowed their entire existence and they were nothing except for the blank void where they all started. He thinks, no, feels, that he destroys every single connection he has ever made. And the impulse to destroy even the tender little thread of what's left with others gets too strong, too tangible for him to ignore.
Kazutora considers himself useless, to be frank, useless at everything which is considered normal or mundane according to local civilians. He agrees to that maybe, to a certain degree he knows it's the truth, that he is useless at absolutely everything except for fucking everything up. Fucking everyone up, his mother, his life, the people who accepted him; dare he say, his friends' lives, everything and everyone, he has fucked them all up.
Growing up, there had only been one thing, one common factor in his life- disgust. Disgust for the way he is, for the way he stands right now. Disgust has been one of the most prominent feelings to him. Kazutora couldn’t bear to look at himself. That is how strong he felt that emotion for himself to be. He was repulsed by himself. Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting.
When he looked into the mirror, he saw someone he absolutely despised. When he stepped in the shower, he looked at the same hands which braided his hair every night and gently caressed his scalp. He let himself dream though, dream of everything, of something more. At this point he was confused over everything. He didn’t understand how the same hands that once gave him gentle caresses managed to stab him. Maybe he truly does destroy everything he touches.
“Kazutora.” He winced at the voice calling him. Relentless, it continued in it's pursuit.
“Kazutora. You can’t just stand here forever. He is waiting for you.”
Kazutora felt like he had no strength left in his legs anymore. He felt wobbly on his feet. All strength left him and he just wanted to collapse. His knuckles whitened from where he had been holding the sink with the running tap- tight enough he would fancy himself to be strong enough to break it.
Fear. That was one emotion right now.
Along with guilt, which clouded his senses. He wanted to scream and wreck havoc, he was good at that, but the urge to curl up in a ball and cry and never show up again was strong too.
He heard Draken sigh and turn off the tap as he leaned beside Kazutora. Kazutora didn't look up from where he could see the bleached blond hair peeking out from the corner of his eyes. He couldn’t bear to meet his eyes either.
“Are you going to keep hiding forever, Kazutora?” Draken asked. The urge to just scream yes was very strong. He refrained, and gathered the strength to make sure his voice did not shake before replying. He couldn't feel himself, his legs long turned numb. Anxiety perhaps?
“I can’t face him , Draken-kun, I don’t have it in me after what I did.” Kazutora spoke, his voice betraying him towards the end. Weak. He considered. Even after him trying his voice cracked off at the end. He could hear Draken sigh from where the taller male was standing beside him.
"Kazutora." The tiredness finally bled into Draken's voice. There was some sick pride in him upon seeing Draken frustrated with him. He could deal with the hate, the hits; when he thought it over, he supposed he could deal with everything. Yet he finds it that he can't deal with forgiveness . And he was being forgiven so easily. Oh how Kazutora hated that.
“You know, when Baji woke up, he did not look around and ask where he was, his words, as I quote, were “ Where is Kazutora? ” ” Kazutora winced. He hated himself, absolutely hated himself down to the very core. Loathed himself, infact. Draken continued with that same tired but even tone.
“I’ve been visiting him, everyday, for the past week that he has been admitted. And you know what his first damn question is everytime I come into sight? Whether Kazutora ever graced him with his presence or not.”
Draken’s words stung- But this feeling wasn’t foreign to him. Night after night, he let himself get cut open and exposed to the cold bitter air. And in a way, it felt good.
Because Kazutora wasn’t unfamiliar with what it felt like getting bitten and burnt. After all, he had been going through it his whole life- Sometimes his father’s hits, other times his own incapability and failures and now Draken’s word.
“Kazutora,” Draken started after a pause, placing his hand on Kazutora’s shoulder. “The least you owe him is a visit. If not for yourself, you need to do it for him.”
Kazutora nodded as he wiped his face with his palm, it came away wet. He was crying, oh how he was crying. He fucked up everything again and now he cries because he fucked up everything. “Pathetic.” He thought, but he owed Baji this. He owed him a final goodbye. It was the least he owed him.
Kazutora thought as he stood in front of Baji''s hospital that it was probably the longest fucking walk of his life- One he probably won't ever have to experience again.
He was already here, he had to do this. It was too late to turn back now.
Kazutora didn’t have time for deep breaths and pep talks or anything of that sort. At some point, you have to pull off the band-aid and it hurts, but then the moment is over and you’re relieved. Well, that was what always happened anyways. He doesn't think the pain of ripping off a bandaid from an ugly wound would ever hold a candle to the sheer anxiety he was feeling at this very moment, as he held the doorknob beyond which through the glass panel he could see the ravenette with his mess of a hair.
He pushed open the door to see Baji sitting half-upright on his hospital bed with a pen in his mouth, irritably tapping the piece of paper he was holding.
He looked weak, and his hair looked pretty flat, probably due to the fact that his body was still reeling and recovering from the wounds and internal bleeding he had experienced. The stab apparently hadn't been half as bad as the internal bleeding had been. But to Kazutora, Baji Keisuke, even with his flat malnourished hair in a hospital gown looking clearly a mess and seconds away from actually ripping the IVs out of his arms and running would still be the prettiest scene ever in his life.
The setting sun painted the entire hospital room in hues of oranges and red, and the tinges of yellow and gold which reflected off of the dark strands he had played with all the time. The light illuminated the man on the hospital bed, painting his stature in its unreal hues, reds and oranges danced off of his skin in warm glows. Even with the creases of his frown on his forehead, He still looked divine. Godly, he would dare to say. Even the artificial lights overhead which were beginning to flick on could not change that.
Real life endings were never as beautiful or as divine as the poets and playwrights considered it to be. Kazutora was neither of these though, but looking at the setting sun, he often thought that he too would like to go out like this, maybe make a grand exit- Burning to ashes under the golden hues (about similar to his eyes in the setting sun) and get his ashes devoured by the winds.
Kazutora wanted to leave Baji’s life like a sunset.
“Writing a letter?” Kazutora managed to say as he cautiously moved towards the chair near Baji’s bed.
Baji hummed, not looking towards Kazutora.
“To whom?”
“You.” Baji said as he folded the paper neatly and kept it on the table beside him.
“Huh? What do you mean?” Confusion bled into him along with what he could label as fear.
Baji finally looked at Kazutora. “What took you so long, Kazutora?”
Kazutora looked away, he couldn’t bear to meet Baji’s eyes. At this point, guilt was eating him alive. Guilty for stabbing him, guilty for leaving him alone for so long, guilty for- for everything he supposed.
“At least you’re finally here now,” Baji said as he grinned, showing off his fangs which Kazutora adored.
“I’ve been waiting for so long.”
“I’m sorry.” Kazutora whispered, still looking at the floor. His heart was racing a mile per second, anymore and he might be the next one to get admitted to the hospital for heart failure. But at the same time it felt like his brain had completely shut down. Seven days, that’s how long he hadn’t seen Baji and he could swear that a little bit of him died with every passing second. The ticking of the clock in the room made it hard to ignore that the time was flowing.
Kazutora really tried, but even the thought of leaving Baji’s life scared him. It might be selfish but he couldn’t let go of him. His smile was enough to make him stay.
“Don’t apologise, you’re here with me now right?” Baji said, taking Kazutora’s hand into his and softly stroking it with his thumb. Baji knew that Kazutora wasn’t very keen on physical affection but he still needed to be comforted in some way or the other. Baji always knew what to do. Kazutora could cry right that very second. Baji always knew what to do to comfort him.
“I shouldn’t be.” Kazutora said, his voice soft and quiet, almost a whisper, now crying openly. Baji was an angel, Kazutora couldn't bear to taint him with his own sins any longer.
“You’re here because you were supposed to be. After all, it is fate that we met right?” Baji asked, pulling Kazutora onto his bed and making room for him to lie down.
Baji would never admit it but he liked having Kazutora close to him. Like, right there next to him at all times close.
“I’ve always been hurting everyone Baji, first Shinichiro-kun, now you, even my own family has always been a wreck because of me. I can’t, I, I don’t deserve to be here with you.” Kazutora said frantically, his voice breaking midway.
“We all make mistakes, Kazutora. And it’s okay to feel regret and guilt; but it does not do to never forgive yourself for your mistakes and live your entire life as penance.” Baji said, as he softly stroked Kazutora's hair before huffing a little laugh.
“Those are some big words from you, very rich too in fact.” Kazutora mumbled softly.
“I’m not dumb you know. School is just… not my jam.”
“You are dumb Baji.” Kazutora said as he sat up, untangling himself from the warmth of the other's body. “You are dumb. You are dumb for thinking that someone like me deserves someone like you. You are dumb for wanting to give me a third chance, i don't even know if it is the third chance though, could be one way over a thousand if I am being honest, because I know, I will mess it up.”
Baji sighed as he sat up too. “If I am dumb for wanting a good life for you, then you are dumb too for being so harsh on yourself.”
“Wha-”
“I don’t fucking know why you keep beating yourself over this when I’m not even mad at you. You think running away will solve your problem?! No the fuck it won’t.” Baji said loudly.
Baji had always been like that- the one who would get mad when giving you a pep talk and scream positive things at you. Uncanny to expect Baji of all people to do that, but he just somehow does. It doesn't make sense to outsiders because they see him as just brash, short triggered and plain rude who solves everything with his fists. Very few knew of this rare side of his.
Baji took a deep breath before he started again.
“Why won’t you let me stay, Kazutora?! Why won’t you let me help me help you?! You’re all on about how you fuck up everything and all, but let me tell you, running away won’t solve shit !”
“I know what you’ve gone through and I can always guess what’s going on in that tiny little head housing that 3 centimetre brain of yours because that is exactly the reason why you are behaving like a headless chicken! And if you claim that you are not a bumbling fool then why won’t you let me stay ?! We can make it work Kazutora. If you hate yourself that much, I’ll take you to a psychiatrist but please. Why won’t you see it? Why won’t you see the good in you?!”
“Baji, I-” Kazutora started
“No Kazutora.” Baji said sternly.
“I told you I would stay with you till the end.” He said after a pause. His voice was soft; the grief and tiredness in his voice could be felt, “I don’t know why you won’t let me. What are you so scared of Kazutora?” Baji asked, looking up at Kazutora with watery eyes.
“I’m so scared of messing everything up again.” Kazutora answered, crying. He shuffled closer to Baji and cupped his cheek.
“You said that we’ll be friends without any interest.” Kazutora continued. “You don’t need to pick up on my broken pieces, that’s not fair to you, Baji.”
“If I’m your friend, does that mean I can’t love you, Kazutora?” Baji asked, now crying too.
“You shouldn’t love me. I’m not deserving of your love. You should give it to someone kind, and someone who is good enough to be bestowed with such gifts. Someone like Chifuyu or Haruchiyo, not me.”
“What about us then?” Baji asked
“There’s no-”
“What about me Kazutora? Do you think it’s easy to let you go and find someone else?”
Kazutora didn't know what to say. All he could do was rest his head on Baji’s shoulder and sob.
He wanted to scream and shout and complain about how unfair everything was, but if he was being honest, he didn’t know if he had the right to do that. He was being held in the strong arms of the one who meant more to him than his entire being. Kazutora didn’t understand how he hated himself for letting himself get comforted and hugged but at the same time, he was thankful, so thankful for Baji Keisuke.
There was a lot to see, but Kazutora could only see him.
“You were scared of pigeons before, right?” Baji asked after a long pause, stroking Kazutora’s hair softly.
“That was a long time ago.”
“Well then, let me show you a long time too. I promise you, you won’t be scared anymore. Please just stay.”
“I’m sorry Baji, I really am.”
“The only thing you should be sorry about is wanting to leave me alone.” Baji said, hugging Kazutora tightly.
“I’m sorry, I promise I won’t leave you. Not today, not anymore, not any time.”
“Kazutora, you can’t just stand here forever. Baji is waiting for you.”
Kazutora felt like he had no strength left in his legs anymore. He was gripping the chair tightly, knuckles whitening, staring at the mirror in front of him. It felt comical how nervous he was, considering the situation he had every right to be. He faintly remembers a distant memory of a similar scenario, a long time ago he recognises, where back there in that case guilt crawling up inside him and eating him out like fire ants.
“I’m so nervous, I think I will faint.”
“Alcohol might help.” Mikey said as he entered the room with a bouquet in his hand.
“Mikey, that's horrible advice. He’s going to get married. Liquid courage before his wedding might not be good.” Draken said, fixing Kazutora’s bow.
Kazutora laughed softly. Voice choked with nervousness, his laugh sounded more like a croaking frog.
“If both of you are here then who’s with Baji?” He asked, taking the bouquet from Mikey’s hand.
“Haruchiyo.” Mikey answered and Kazutora nodded. Haruchiyo was probably already on his second bottle of alcohol if Kazutora thought about it.
Haruchiyo could swear that humans were capable of osmosis too because currently, he was way more nervous than the groom himself. He didn’t know how it worked, it was probably just love.
“Have all the guests arrived?”
“They have. Are you coming now or not?” Draken asked.
“Yeah let’s go.”
Kazutora turned around to take one last look at the mirror. He smiled. He had come so far, and Baji was there with him throughout.
He fucked up plenty of times and made lots of mistakes but here he is today, ready to spend the rest of his life with the man he loved. He was glad that he was forgiven, accepted and loved.
“Kazutora.” Mikey said as he swung an arm over his shoulder. “You’ll keep Baji happy right? I hate to see him cry.” Mikey asked.
Kazutora smiled. “That makes the two of us then. Baji is my love, my light and my life. I would rather die than do anything which would make him stop smiling.”
“Good.” Mikey said, as he patted him on the shoulder. “We’re here.”
Kazutora looked around the wedding venue to see all the guests dressed in pristine white. It looked extremely beautiful. At last, he allowed himself to look at the starting of the isle where Baji stood with Haruchiyo, Chifuyu and Mitsuya. Glad no one was drunk and on the carpets (yet, he thought with a chuckle. It would get worse after the alcohol is involved.)
Kazutora would never be able to forget this scene, even in a million years. The suit of white and gold which Mitsuya specially tailored for them looked even more dazzling when worn by Baji. Baji decided to leave his hair open but the girls convinced him to wear a flower crown and Kazutora was glad that they did.
He looked extremely sacred. Like an angel in person.
Haruchiyo noticed him and tapped Baji on the shoulder. Baji and Kazutora hadn’t seen each other in 7 days and this moment felt extremely pure for both of them. It seemed as if time had stopped for both of them and the only thing worth focusing on was each other.
Baji was the first one to make a move. He grinned widely and waved at him.
Kazutora smiled back and started to make his way to his soon-to-be husband.
“Get ready Toman!” Mikey said loudly as he skipped from behind Kazutora to the beginning of the aisle where Baji and all were.
The plan was that all the captains and vice-captains would walk down the aisle in pairs, according to their divisions, followed by the girls and lastly, both the grooms.
As everyone started getting in pairs, Kazutora silently prayed that everything went well. He didn’t trust any of those monkeys he called friends. Maybe real monkeys would have been better.
“You took so long, Kazutora.” Baji said as he took Kazutora’s hand in his.
“Had to make sure I looked extra pretty for you.” Kazutora replied snarkily.
“Oh look, Mikey looks so tiny next to Draken.” Baji said, as Mikey and Draken started the wedding’s procession.
“Oh my God Baji, do you want to get kicked on our wedding day?”
“What? It's the truth!”
Mikey and Draken were followed by Chifuyu and Takemichi, the latter waving shyly to Inui and Koko who were sitting in the audience.
In the audience Kokonoi turned to the blond man beside him and smiled softly.
“One day that will be us.” Koko told Inui as he took Inui’s hand into his and lifted it to his lips to give a soft kiss.
“Are you getting marriage-fever or something?” Inui asked, trying to act indifferent but the tip of his ears were undeniably red.
“Nah.” Koko replied and he leaned back in his chair and checked his pocket. The ring was still there, thankfully.
Mitsuya and Hakkai, Pah-chin and Peh-yan and Smiley and Angry followed the first division.
Haruchiyo didn’t want to walk down the aisle alone, so he didn’t want to take part in it altogether. “I’ll cheer from the audience,” he said. Already having his hands around another bottle.
One thing Kazutora absolutely adored about Baji was how much he cared about everyone. Kazutora’s heart felt full everytime Baji went out of his own way to make sure his friend’s were included and happy. Baji’s friends were his treasure, and he treasured Haruchiyo.
“Haru,” Baji started, as said man turned to face him. He took the bottle from his hand and patted his childhood best friend on the back.
“You’re a star, and this entire world is your ramp.”
Haruchiyo smiled. He looked pretty, his scars made him way prettier.
When Haruchiyo walked, all eyes were on him. And Baji was right, because it felt like looking at a star in its full glory.
“You’re amazing Kei.” Kazutora said as he softly kissed Baji’s knuckles.
Baji grinned. He looked happy.
“You wanna open this bottle right now? For good luck obviously, I’m not nervous or anything of that sort.” Baji said, fumbling over his words a little.
Kazutora chuckled as he took the bottle from Baji’s hand and kept it near his feet.
“No alcohol for you before reception, mister”
Baji pouted and Kazutora laughed at his lover’s childish instincts. Kazutora could swear that they could turn 50 but still act 15 when they’re around each other.
“The music has changed.” He said softly. Baji let out a deep breath as he lightly brushed out Kazutora’s bangs from his face.
“Which means it’s our turn.” Baji said as he squeezed Kazutora’s hand before he let go of it.
“It’s going to be a long walk.” Kazutora said just as softly; he was scared again.
“Don’t be afraid, Kazutora,” He said, offering his arm out for him to hold.
“We’ll walk together, until the end of the line.”