Chapter Text
“What was it that made Jules Vaughn make her, maybe, most impulsive decision yet? It was a collision course of many things just bursting through the atmosphere of her gentle soul, not least of them me spouting venom at her and lying about using again. Not that she would tell anyone but she was cutting again. The weight of everything was just too much and she needed to silence the screaming void inside her. She also realised that maybe not being interested in men doesn’t equal not being attracted to them. I was also so high in the clouds that I wasn’t able to give myself fully to her. And that’s also part of the reason why she slept with fucking Elly the snake. He was there and actually uttered an ounce of truth in the midst of all the lies we told. But none of that mattered when she found herself in the truck of Nate Jacobs. For the second time in a week.”
Jules folded her legs under herself to calm her nerves and the shivers that ran through her body. She wasn’t as scared as she was the last time but Nate still made her uneasy and activated a fight or flight reflex in her. His gesture for forgiveness the last time they met made her less afraid of him but nausea still gripped at her throat periodically.
“I was surprised you answered.” He didn’t look at her, rather he fixed his gaze at the steering wheel. His mouth seemed dry and Jules couldn’t take her eyes from it.
She wouldn’t dare to acknowledge the fact that Nate was a reappearing figure in her dreams. Sometimes they were surprisingly arousing. But most times they were just simply horrifying. One time Nate and Tyler merged and their mangled blob of a body would force themselves on her and she would just scream into the void for help that would never come. She threw up beside her bed and tried to shake herself back to sleep in a pool of sweat and tears.
“Have you lost weight again?” She took a deep breath and turned her head towards the lake.
“I don’t see how that’s any of your business, Nate.” The cold glass gave her some relief but her stomach still remained in knots.
“Are you still seeing that junkie?” He took a beat. “And no, I’m not talking about Rue.”
She fought back tears that seemingly came from nowhere.
“No.” A recent scar burned bright under her clothes, almost like it would just burn through the fabric. To be seen. To be observed. To be understood.
“Good. You deserve better.” His words cut deeper than she herself ever could. Rue deserved better, not her. Rue deserved someone who wouldn’t abandon her. Someone who wouldn’t cheat on her. But she couldn’t take the burden of addiction on herself. She wasn’t strong enough. She felt weak, tiny and undeserving.
“You deserve someone who loves you.” He reached for her hand but she quickly pulled it to her side.
“Someone who protects you.” He kept his hand near her. “Someone who understands you.” A sudden rage caught on fire in her chest and belly.
“And who would that be?” She finally looked at him in disgust. “You?!”
He didn’t answer but rather threw his head back. She expected nothing less from him. He was a traumatised child throwing tantrums inside the body of a grown man.
“I don’t know.” He blurted under his breath.
Jules turned her head back to the lake. The water. Unpredictable, uncaged, strong, vital.
“Would you take me home, please?!” Her breath clouded the glass.
“Are you sure?” He made another attempt to reach her hand but stopped at her forearm. Barely touching, caressing her bare skin. She didn’t pull away this time and just let the experience wash over her body. Desire, disgust and fear rushed through her cells. She closed her eyes as her breathing got faster.
Every hair on her body crept up as his fingers danced around her skin.
“You need this.” Almost whispering under his breath. “You deserve to be loved.”
Jules couldn’t force herself to look at him as her tear ducts filled up. She didn’t deserve to be loved. Everybody abandons her after a while and nobody sees her real self. Or when they do see it, they get bored of her. Or lie to her. Not that she could blame Rue. She is an addict, yearning for help. And the vitriol she screamed at her was true. At least partially. And Jules knew this. She loved to be loved. No matter the cost. It’s a vicious cycle that just doesn’t seem to end. She hated herself for running back into Elliot’s arms but she needed to feel something. Something to take the pain away. When Elliot finally told her that Rue was using again, the first thing she did was to reach for something sharp. Something to cause release.
“You’re so beautiful.” She couldn’t fight the tears anymore. There was no use to it. Nate had already seen her cry before, there was no point to it.
He slowly and carefully reached for her face and turned her towards him. His fingers gently wiped away her tears and slowly caressed her cheeks.
“I’m sorry.” He seemed genuine in his words but she couldn’t stop crying and she didn’t know why. Why was she so broken? It felt like being in a vacuum and the world just wouldn’t stop collapsing around her. Suffocating her.
Nate slowly guided her towards his shoulder and she stopped fighting. She stopped fighting the tears. Nate. The embrace. The pain.
They didn’t speak another word for the remainder of their time together and they didn’t say good bye when he finally took her home.
Nate waited in his car until the lights turned on in her room. And then he lingered there for another moment past his time.