Chapter Text
“I don’t care what the problem is.”, the officer yelled at you, “Fix it, get the equipment ready. Do your job.”
With these harsh words, he slammed the door shut behind him, making you wince with the sheer volume of the blow. It’s not my job, you thought angrily, It’s what you’ve forced upon me, you bastard. But you did not dare say these words, not even utter them under your breath. After all, you had seen firsthand what Hydra did to those who did not abide by their rules: They died.
You still had your will to live, so you made use of the limited means you had. And the “equipment”, as they referred to the torture device you were in charge of, it was one of what little means you could use, so you got to work.
A cold shiver ran down your spine as you looked at the chair that almost looked like an operating table… but you knew it was nothing but an evil device for torture. And you were the one handling it.
Squaring your shoulders, you fought against the fear and cold that always gripped your heart when you approached the damned thing and you reminded yourself that you had a job to do… even though it was not quite the job Hydra wanted you to do.
You walked past thechair and approached the attached computer, typed in a few commands to check its condition. Apart from the fact that you wished that thing had never been invented, everything was as it should be. The device had been used to wipe the Winter Soldiers memory before you had been “assigned” to it, as Hydra called it. You and every judge with half a brain would have called it “blackmail”… but there were no judges here and certainly no justice.
So, about two years ago, you had decided to take matters into your own hands, even it that could cost you your life… and more. But someone had to make a difference and as far as you could see, that someone had to be you because everyone else was intimidated into total submission.
You thoroughly went through the programme again and checked it carefully. To everyone else, it would have appeared to be just a lot of programming gibberish, to the educated eye, it would have looked like an algorithm to erase cell connections – memories – but to you, the person who had been forced to study and enhance the algorithm, the subtle inconsistencies were obvious, even if hard to spot.
Over the last couple of years, ever since you had been in charge of the device, you had tried to leave at last some of the memories in the Winter Soldier’s mind. It was not enough to betray your actions right away, but you thought – hoped – it would one day be enough to allow him to break free of the leash Hydra had on him. When that day came, you knew you would die.
You just hoped that it would not be for nothing.
With a deep breath, you checked the last bits of the algorithm, added a short line to allow retaining of even more information, then closed the programme and reported: “Everything is in order. The device is ready.”
Moments, you waited for an answer, then you heard a voice, crackling in the radio: “Copy. Leave the area.”
You hurried, because that was about the nicest way they had told you to get the hell out of their way. But just as you opened the door, you heard the radio crackle again, then a blood-curdling scream from the control room.
What was happening?
Caught like a rabbit in the headlights, you were just standing there as the screams continued, so loud even over the radio that you thought your eardrums were being pierced.
With a whimper, you retreated, cowered down behind the chair you hated so much and you hid your head between your knees, hoping to the Powers that Be that you would not die within the next minutes.
Still there were screams, audible over the radio… and close enough to be heard without. Whatever was killing the soldiers and personnel of this facility, it was coming closer.
You willed yourself to become invisible, to just disappear, when the door flew open as a limp body was thrown against it. Panicking, you shrieked as you saw the soldier, covered in blood, his eyes open and lifeless. True enough, he had dragged you from your cot to this chair more than once, but you had not wished upon him a death this terrifying. And now, it was awaiting you.
You gulped, searched around for some kind of weapon in the futile hope to defend yourself – fat chance, really – when someone entered the room. There was nothing you could do but stare at him, the Winter Soldier.
It was him. He had attacked the facility, killed everyone in his path presumably. And now, it was your turn.
You closed your eyes, prayed for a quick and painless ending… when you heard his voice: “We have to leave.”
Blinking heavily, you stared at him, but he wordlessly urged you on to flee. With him.
You had no idea what was going on, but you would be damned if you did not take this unique chance you were given. So you stumbled to your feet and followed him out of the room.
You were confused, shocked… and appalled. There were bodies left and right, soldiers of Hydra, handlers, normal personnel who had been working for Hydra for the same reason you had. With a shocking blow of despair you thought of your very own reason.
“We have to find my son.”, you told the Winter Soldier with tears in your eyes. They had kidnapped him a few years ago shortly after his birth, forcing you into their service after they had killed his father because he had refused to work for them. He was the only reason why you had been fighting all those years, your son Josh.
There was no emotion in the Winter Soldier’s face, but he nodded his head onwards. You had no idea what he was trying to tell you, but you hoped, you prayed he knew where your son was. And that Josh was not dead.
As that thought occurred to you, tears welled up in your eyes, but you fought them down. There would be time to cry later, for now, you had to escape.
The Winter Soldier moved quickly amongst the familiar corridors, now littered with dead bodies. You did not even know half of them, but you shivered at the sheer force of destruction that had come down upon them.
Had one man, even the Winter Soldier, done all that? You could barely believe it, even though you had seen what he was capable of. And for the first time, you wondered whether it had not been a mercy to wipe his memory.
You did not really think it was, but you had no idea how a human being could be able to live with himself after… this.
He suddenly took a turn to the left, approaching the small cells that contained nothing more than a cot and a trunk and that were all the room unwilling assets like yourself were given. But he did not go to the cells, instead he stopped short at a supply cabinet and wrenched open the door.
“Mama!”, your little boy, your everything, called out to you and threw himself into your arms.
“Baby…”, you whispered as you hugged him close. There was no one else, not even a trace of life… but none of death, either.
“Go.”, the Winter Soldier ordered and you did not waste time; all the questions in your head could be asked later. So you picked up your son and followed the Winter Soldier out of the complex, into the approaching evening over D.C., out into the cold. He did not stop and so you followed him into the nearby woods where, to your utter astonishment, he approached a vehicle, a sturdy Jeep that would surely get you all out of here.
“Take it and go.”, he ordered you, but this time, you did not stop your questions, “Wait, no. What happened, where will you go, what was that all about? How…”
He stopped you with a harsh gesture, then simply, matter-of-factly he said: “Hydra has fallen, as has SHIELD. You are…free. Go.”
“Thank you.”, you mumbled, closing your embrace around your son even tighter, and the Winter Soldier nodded courtly, but when he turned away, you asked, “Where are you going? You… are free, too.”
He glanced at you, just for a second, but there was so much loneliness, you much woe in those blue eyes, you felt your heart bleed for him.
Without having to hear his answer, you knew that he had nowhere to go, no one to go to. So you said: “Let’s stick together. We are safer with you and maybe… I can help you.”
“You already have.”, he said and you blinked at him in confusion, so he offered by way of an explanation, “Memories.”
You were stunned into silence by those words.
“You… you know?”, you whispered and all he offered was a court nod, then he gestured to the Jeep and asked, “Do you have any place safe?”
“Umm…”, you muttered, surprised by his question, then you nodded, “My grandmother had a cabin near D.C., I inherited it. As far as I know, Hydra has no record of it because it’s not listed in my name.”
All he did was nod, then he got behind the Jeep’s wheel. You took the cue, sat with your son in the back and gave directions to the Winter Soldier.
“By the way.”, you said as he quickly, but securely drove the heavy Jeep through the narrow pathways in the forest, “I am (Name), this is my son Josh.”
“Hi.”, the boy offered weakly, afraid of the man in the driver’s seat. At least, that was what you thought until you looked at him and saw his intent gaze at the blue eyes of the Winter Soldier. Josh just was cautious, but he already began to trust the man. It relieved you, but the fact that you trusted him as well, despite the heaps of bodies he had left in his wake, it unnerved you a bit. Still, he was your best ally, so you would not throw that chance away.
“I…”, he began, gripping the wheel a bit too tightly until he settled for, “You can call me Bucky.”
“Hi, Bucky.”, Josh amended his greeting and you smiled. At least Hydra had not made him fear everyone he met, unlike you.
For more than an hour, you directed Bucky through the dense woods until finally the cabin was in sight. You knew that at least some supplies would be there, but nothing that would last more than three days. Accordingly, you said: “We will need more supplies. We can live here for a few days, maybe three, but that’s it then.”
Bucky merely nodded, then said: “You wait in the cabin, I’ll be back shortly.”
“Don’t go.”, Josh whimpered and Bucky, looking as surprised as you felt, turned around to him, then explained: “I will get more food for us. Anything special you like, bub?”
Josh shook his head, but you whispered with a smile: “He loves pop tarts.”
For the fraction of a second, there was some sort of change in Bucky’s expression and you could have sworn it was a smile. At least sort of. But it was gone as quickly as it had surfaced, so you decided not to waste more of his time and climbed out of the Jeep with Josh in your arms. Then Bucky drove off and as soon as the vehicle was out of sight, your boy looked at you: “Will he come back?”
“Sure.”, you nodded, “He helped us and I think he’ll do it again. After all, we can help him too.”
“How?”, Josh asked you excitedly and then added, “I wanna help.”
“And you can.”, you reassured him, “But first, baby, we have to get everything settled in grandma’s cabin, so come on.”
Together you began dusting off the old cabin. It was not much, but it had a bedroom, a living room with a couch and kitchenette, a larder much more generously filled than you had remembered it and a little bathroom. The gas tank out back was full and the cellar held enough backup to get you through a few weeks in the cabin. Even more, you discovered that your grandma had not thrown out your old, very old toys, so at least there was something for Josh to play with. Some clothes were left as well, back from the day when you had been here with your late husband. But nothing for Josh, so you decided that he would have to be running around in socks too big for him and a single t-shirt as some sort of robe. If you managed to tell him it was some sort of dress-up convincingly, he might even buy it. Hopefully.
The roar of an engine made you look up from the cupboard you were just going through with Josh and he asked quietly: “Is Bucky back?”
“He said he’d be back, didn’t he?”, you smiled, but were not yet sure. So you clandestinely glanced out the window and exhaled in relief when it was truly Bucky out there, carrying groceries. You decided not to ask how he had acquired them, but instead you opened the door for him and began storing the groceries away.
The rest of the evening was quiet; Josh was far too rattled with everything to be doing much else than playing and you were happy to play with him, happy to have your boy back and to be able to play with him, to hug him without the surveillance of a Hydra agent. Bastards.
Bucky was extremely quiet, frequently checking the perimeter, but other than that he was merely sitting there at the table in the small kitchen, staring into space, sometimes watching you and Josh. When he did, you thought you would sometimes catch a glimpse of a fleeting smile on his lips, but it always vanished as quickly as it had come.
“Alright, baby, it’s dinner time.”, you announced to your son and gathered him up in your arms again, ready to take him to the kitchen with you where you asked Bucky, “You must be hungry. Soup and bread alright with you?”
“You don’t…”, he began shaking his head, “I do not mean to be a burden.”
“You aren’t.”, you reassured him with a smile, “You got us out.”
He did not say anything at first, then averted his eyes and quietly said: “Soup would be wonderful. I… can’t remember the last time I ate home-cooked soup.”
“Sorry to disappoint, but today it’ll come from a can.”, you quipped lightly and Bucky almost cracked a smile at that, “Tomorrow I’ll really cook for the two of you. What do you say to that?”
“Can you cook spaghetti?”, Josh requested as expected and you nodded, “You got it, baby.”
Bucky watched you two and, as you realised from the corner of your eye, Josh was watching him. You had an idea what was on your boy’s mind when he lost interest in the bubbling soup and instead sat down next to Bucky at the kitchen table.
“Why is your arm shiny?”
You winced at that and turned around, ready to stop him, but you refrained from it when you saw Bucky’s face. The question obviously pained him, but there was a cautious smile on his lips and he slowly answered Josh’s question: “I guess I was hurt pretty badly some time ago. They had to repair my arm.”
“Is it all good now?”, Josh prodded and you were ready to intervene, but Bucky answered, “It is strong, yes.”
“Can I touch it?”, your son asked and reached out with his tiny hand. Bucky tensed visibly, so you said quietly: “Josh, you wait for an answer to such a question.“
“Sorry.”, he said and looked at Bucky, who then nodded. Josh’s small hand rested on the metal arm, then tentatively ran up and down its surface, Josh even poked him. And Bucky smirked at it.
“Does that hurt?”, he enquired and Bucky shook his head, “Not really.”
“What happened to your arm?”, he wanted to know and this time, you were a bit more stern, “Josh, it’s not very nice to ask people about a time in which they’ve been hurt. Maybe they don’t want to answer.”
“Sorry.”, Josh said sheepishly, but Bucky gently said, “It’s alright, bub. But I’m afraid I can’t tell you much about it. I don’t remember.”
“Why not?”, he asked and you gave up. Bucky would surely stop him if he minded the interrogation, so you left the two boys to it, “That can happen when you’re hurt bad. But those people, the guys we ran away from… they are bad. They made me forget a lot of things.”
“Why?”, Josh asked, so innocently, but it brought tears to your eyes. Why indeed? Just because they could, just because they wanted a tool for their hellish plans… and because they had not in the least cared that Bucky had been a man then, a man with his own dreams and feelings, his own life. You had been sick when you had first seen him as the Winter Soldier, but now, catching a glimpse at the man he had once been, your heart broke for him. How could they have done such a thing?
“I don’t know.”, Bucky said sadly, “Maybe I’ll never find out. But I’ll sure as heck stay away from those guys.”
“Good plan.”, Josh nodded and Bucky smiled with a nod. You, on the other hand, sniffled quietly and to play for time you announced: “Dinner’s ready.”
So you served the soup and the three of you ate in silence. The long day had taken its toll, so when Josh had finished his portion, he was already falling asleep while standing.
“Time for bed.”, you said to him, but he protested, his speech already slurred, “I’m not tired, Mama.”
“Of course you aren’t. But let’s go brush your teeth anyway, alright?”
With a glance at Bucky, you scooped your boy up into your arms again and got him ready for bed without a fight. He really was tired despite opposing claims.
Normally, you would have had to haggle with a Hydra agent to get the time to at least read a short story to Josh, but that night, he fell asleep before you had tucked him in. But you relished the time you had and looked at his sleeping form, the breaths heaving his little chest, his little mouth hanging open and the soft snoring. You smiled to yourself and shed a tear of happiness. You were finally free again.
When you got up and turned to leave the bedroom, you flinched at the tall shadow in the doorway. Then you realised it was Bucky and you sighed in relief.
After you had closed the door behind you, he softly said: “I did not mean to startle you.”
“It’s alright.”, you breathed, “I’ve learnt to be startled by a lot of things. It’s just good to know there’s no reason to be afraid of you.”
“Don’t be so sure.”, he muttered levelly and left or the kitchen, but you followed him, “I have seen what you’ve done to the personnel in the facility. But there is no reason for me or Josh to be afraid of you. Because I’ve also seen you here in the cabin with us. Thank you.”
He shook his head and refused to look at you, but you nevertheless asked, just because you had to get it out: “Why did you rescue us from there? How?”
Bucky glanced at you, then heaved a deep sigh and murmured: “Have you got Scotch somewhere around? Think we’re gonna need it for that story.”
With a crooked smile, you retrieved two tumblers from the cupboard, realising with a smirk that Bucky had done the dishes while you had put Josh to bed, then you filled the glasses from a bottle of whiskey. Well, it was not the really good stuff, but it was high proof and that was enough for you.
You two drank in silence, then Bucky slowly began: “There were…flashes of images, smells, facts I had no idea about, but still somehow knew. And when I was sent to…assassinate him, Steve Rogers, he talked to me, told me he knew me. A lot came back, in a rush. I… didn’t know what to do with that. That was a few hours ago. Hydra fell, SHIELD along with it. I didn’t have much time, but I figured… you would have something to do with it and so that you could have some answers, because… I remembered your face, your voice. I know that you… touched me.”
“I repaired your arm a few times.”, you offered as explanation, tears almost choking you. Bucky nodded: “That could’ve been what I remembered. I’m not sure. But I…I was sure that you were…trustworthy. I remembered your voice, your touch and I knew that… you meant well. I knew I could trust you and… that I had to get you out. Because I figured you liked being in their service about as much as I did.”
You merely nodded and as he had been so open, you explained: “I changed the algorithm with which your memories were erased. I tried to leave at least some things for you hoping you’d piece them together one day.” “Guess Captain Rogers did that for me.”, Bucky mumbled and you shrugged, but then asked: “How did you know about Josh?”
“I didn’t.”, Bucky said and for a moment, your blood was ice. If he had not known and merely stormed the facility unprepared… Hydra could have killed your son anytime.
“When I entered the facility, I heard someone talk about hostages, so… I went there first, let them out. But one boy refused to go, said I had to get his Mama out. I didn’t know he was your kid, but now… the resemblance is uncanny.”
“He looks more like his father.”, you said, but Bucky slowly shook his head, “But he has your heart and soul. The heart and soul of a warrior.”
That really brought a tear out of your eye and you nodded: “Thank you. He is a good kid.”
“He is like his Mama.”, Bucky quietly said, but all you could do is repeat your words, “Thank you.”
You sat there in silence and finished your whiskey, but as you refilled your glasses, you asked, the alcohol already slurring your speech: “What’re we gonna do now?”
“Hide.”, Bucky said quietly, “When it’s clear that Hydra hasn’t just bounced back, you two can get back to your life from before.”
It took you a moment, but then you asked, squinting at him: “What about you?”
Bucky shrugged his broad shoulders and looked away, but did not say anything.
“Maybe…”, you began, but had to pause to really form your sentence – Goddamned alcohol, “Maybe you could ask Steve Rogers again, talk to him.”
“No.”, Bucky outright refused, but in contrast to before, your inner censoring did not work anymore due to the whiskey, so you spoke, “You were his best friend. He’s gonna help you. He’s Captain America, God’s sakes!”
Bucky cocked his head, then asked with an icy voice: “What do you know about me?”
“Just…what every student know who paid attention in history class.”, you said, but then your words cut through the haze of alcohol and you stammered, “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t…”
“What do you know?”, Bucky enquired, his voice barely above a whisper and with the strong undercurrent of a threatening growl. So you answered: “Captain Rogers is a war hero, he was thought dead for 70 years, as was a good portion of the Howling Commando, a group of soldiers deployed in Europe, right in the thick of it. Some of them… died there, amongst them Captain Rogers’ best friend, James Barnes. My grandfather was one of the soldiers Captain Rogers rescued from there and he often spoke about the Howling Commando, about Captain America. And about Sergeant Barnes. He had photos and… Sergeant Barnes, that’s you. James Buchanan Barnes, called Bucky. That’s you.”
Bucky drew a shuddering breath, then he asked you: “What was your grandfather’s name?”
You told him and you instantly saw the sign, he recognised that name.
“I know about him.”, he then told you, “But James Barnes, that name… I don’t know a thing about that man.”
“You will again, probably.”, you said, “Amnesia is a difficult condition; there’s no telling what will come back to you and what won’t. Hydra wanted for you to forget everything, but… I tried to leave you with some information and to maybe restore some other.”
He looked at you and you blushed: “Well, I obviously only managed to leave the memory of my voice with you.”
“And touch.”, Bucky said, making you blush even harder. But your heart nearly stopped when he added: “That memory kept me going.”
You sighed in pain and confusion, but you looked up when Bucky spoke again: “Thank you. You may think that I saved your life today, but the truth it, you saved mine as well.”
You tentatively smiled at him and he then offered his hand to pull you to your feet. You almost stumbled against him because of your intoxication, but he was not affected in the least. Unfair.
“Let’s see where this takes us.”, Bucky suggested, “Wait a few days, see if Hydra resurfaces. And then…I’d appreciate it if you could come with me to see Steve. Or… just come with me.”
You cautiously smiled at him, surprised, and then replied: “I’ll help you if I can. Other than that… let’s see.”
“Yeah.”, he said and then wished you, “Good night.”
When minutes later you lay down next to your son, finally being able to hold him in your arms again without fear of losing him, you finally dared dream of a happy future. And you knew that in some way or another, Bucky would be part of it.
Unbeknownst to you, Bucky was standing in the dark cabin, watching the two of you sleep. He felt the need to guard your sleep, you he did exactly that, he stood guard.
He was confused, insecure, had no idea who – or what – he was, but he knew that you meant a lot to him. A cynical voice in his mind said that this was only the case because you were the only woman he remembered, but he refused to believe that.
There… just was something about you, something that made you important, at least to him. And he would be damned if he allowed anything to happen to you or your boy.