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Jeremy Heere was 16 years old the first (and hopefully only) time he almost irreparably fucked up the best friendship he’d had in his life.
He was also 16 years old the first time he realised he was in love with said best friend.
Surprisingly, those things were both more and less interconnected than they'd first seem.
Michael had said it was fine. That he understood why Jeremy had acted the way he did, especially after Jeremy told him how the SQUIP had worked to condition him. He’d even tried to wave off Jeremy’s second, proper attempt at an apology, claiming that the one Jeremy had fought the SQUIP to give was good enough for him. And his willingness to resume their normal friendship (well, mostly normal, given that they very suddenly had friends outside of each other) should indicate that things were good between them.
But… things weren’t normal. Not completely. Michael was a little more guarded now, less quick to laugh and toss a fond insult his way when they bickered over video games.
And Jeremy didn’t know how to fix this.
And he didn't know what he'd do if it turned out he couldn't.
“Me and Christine broke up.”
Michael sat up with a start, dropping his controller as Jeremy slumped into the beanbag across from him.
“Shit, I’m sorry dude! Was she not feeling it? Or was it more of a mutual thing??”
“I’m… actually not that cut up about it,” Jeremy admitted. “I just— I idolised her for so long, and while she’s definitely an awesome person, we’re not actually that compatible romantically?? So we decided to give it a couple of weeks to get through any weird feelings we have then just. Try to be friends.”
“Ah,” Michael nodded seriously. “I see. She broke up with you because you’re a furry.”
“I— Uh— No! Jesus, Michael, someone’s gonna hear you saying that one day and believe it. I know we rank higher on the school social network these days, but we’re not exactly exempt from rumours!”
“Hey, I never said I meant it as an insult! Furries do important work for the online art community. You ever think I might I mean it as a compliment?”
“Micah! I know you don’t mean it as a compliment, I'm not an idiot—“ Jeremy began to protest, before cutting himself off when he saw an odd look on Michael's face. “Are... Are you alright, dude?”
“Yeah! Yeah. It's just... You haven’t called me that in a while.”
"Wh— Micah, you mean?" Jeremy asked, and Michael nodded, still looking at Jeremy with that same odd look.
It was true, he hadn’t, but something about the situation made Jeremy flush.
“I— If you don’t like it, I can stop again,” he eventually stuttered out. “We— We got to an age where I felt it was too childish, I guess?? But after everything, I’m… trying not to worry about all that stuff so much.”
“No, I still like it,” Michael confirmed, glancing away finally, and Jeremy had to stop himself from slumping in relief when he found his brain was able to function normally again. “It just… took me by surprise, I guess.”
A couple of months went by, and things seemed to be slowly improving still. Not anywhere nearly as quickly as Jeremy wished they would, but he’d take what he could get. The fact that Michael was talking to him at all was one that Jeremy would forever be grateful for.
Even still, it took two enlightening conversations for Jeremy to realise part of why he was feeling so weird about everything still.
“Rich asked me out today,” Michael commented idly one afternoon, before ruthlessly aiming a red shell his way when Jeremy's grip slipped on the controller.
“Michael! You can’t just drop something like that on me when you know I’m about to win!”
Michael laughed.
“Your fault for being so surprised! I’m hot shit, you know. Can’t let that fact distract you from winning.”
Jeremy rolled his eyes, and he felt his stomach sink even if he wasn’t sure why.
“What did you— What did you do?”
“Oh! I turned him down,” Michael shrugged. “He’s a good guy now that he’s not being controlled by a megalomaniacal supercomputer, but…. I can’t get past the last two years of high school that easily, you know? Anyway, it doesn’t feel like he’s actually interested in me, if that makes sense. More like… He knows we get along decently well and also that I’m gay, and he wants to get experience in that area. Honestly, I’d put money on him ending up with Jake.”
“Isn’t Jake… straight?”
Michael laughed again, eyes fond as he glanced over.
“See, you’d think so, but…”
“Your gaydar says otherwise?”
“You know it!”
They fell silent again, focusing back on their game, but the sinking feeling wasn’t completely gone.
“You… didn’t want experience in that area? It’s not like there’d have been strings attached, if your suspicions are right.”
“Nah,” he replied, flashing Jeremy a grin. “I’d rather learn shit like that with someone I’m actually into, you know? It’s not like it’s uncommon for queer guys to be late bloomers in that sense.”
Jeremy nodded his understanding, feeling slightly more settled.
Peter Pan: rich asked out Michael
Wendy Darling: Huh, I thought he liked Jake?
Peter Pan: that’s what Micheal said as well, but I don’t see it tbh
Wendy Darling: Did he say yes?
Peter Pan: nah. wasn’t interested
Wendy Darling: That’s fair!
Peter Pan: yeah. I’m relieved but idrk why??????
Wendy Darling: Well, Rich did bully you both for two years. It’s understandable if you were worried about him getting hurt?
Peter Pan: yeah, but this was,,, different worry???????? Idk
Wendy Darling: Oh
Wendy Darling: Ohhhhhhhhhh
Peter Pan: Christine?????? Christine why are you ohhing
Peter Pan: ur freaking me out
Wendy Darling: How would u feel if Michael dated anyone?
Wendy Darling: Like, anyone at all
Peter Pan: I mean I’d be supportive??? but idk it feels weird to think about. I wouldn’t wanna lose time with him, esp since we’re only just starting to work through shit
Wendy Darling: Well, what if Michael just said he had a crush on someone?
Peter Pan: same worries :(
Peter Pan: he’s a good dude so they’d probably end up togetehr
Wendy Darling: What if you both knew he had no chance with them because they weren’t interested in guys. Like, Michael likes them for sure but won’t end up with them no matter what
Peter Pan: I. that feels weird to think about too?????? I don’t want Michael to have to deal with that :((((
Wendy Darling: Oh you absolute oblivious idiot
Peter Pan: christiijjnnneeeeee don’t be mean :(((((((((
Peter Pan: just tell me whats going on!!!!!!!!!
Wendy Darling: Just. Do you like Michael?
Peter Pan: ?????
Peter Pan: ofc I do he’s my best friend????
Wendy Darling: No, I mean! What would you do if Michael kissed you tomorrow? Like, just walked up to you and bam no warning laid one on you
Peter Pan: I’d freeze probably??
Wendy Darling: Yeah, but after that
Peter Pan: I- uh— I’d pull away, I guess?,??
Wendy Darling: Would you though? Like, seriously think about it. Imagine the scene
Peter Pan: I— shit
Peter Pan: I’d kiss back
Peter Pan: Christine
Peter Pan: Christine what do I do
Peter Pan: Christine I’m straight why would I kiss him back
Wendy Darling: Jeremy you know I love you
Wendy Darling: You are the best ex-boyfriend turned best friend I could ask for (don’t tell Jake)
Wendy Darling: But… are you straight?
Wendy Darling: Because that doesn’t sound very straight.
Peter Pan: I MWAN I THOUGHT I WAS
Peter Pan: I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU FOR YEARS
Peter Pan: OR LIKE. THE IDEA OF YOU AT LEAST
Peter Pan: CHRISTINE WHAT DO I DO??? HOW DO I KNOW
Wendy Darling: Well. Okay. I’ve suspected you might like Michael for a while honestly
Peter Pan: WHY?
Wendy Darling: Jeremy, whose your favourite person?
Peter Pan: well. MicHel??? obviously?????? we’ve been best friends for 13 years
Wendy Darling: What about when we were dating?
Peter Pan: I mean. I loved you and still love you (platonically). but,,, probably Michael?
Wendy Darling: Do you think that’s completely normal best friend things?
Peter Pan: ….I mean I DID
Wendy Darling: I mean!
Wendy Darling: I’m not saying I should’ve immediately replaced his status in your mind. And for some people platonic relationships Are the most important relationships in their lives, and that’s valid! I’m literally aro! I’m not offended at all that he ranks and ranked higher than me
Peter Pan: …but?
Wendy Darling: But you thought you’d been in love with me since seventh grade. Most people would’ve struggled more with saying that outright. Or with getting over me when we broke up.
Peter Pan: I. oh.
Wendy Darling: Yeah
Peter Pan: I think I’m in love with Michael
Wendy Darling: Y e a h
Peter Pan: what. What do I do????
Wendy Darling: Tell him
Peter Pan: how about! No.
Wendy Darling: Not necessarily everything! Just that you think you’re mspec
Wendy Darling: Wait are you mspec???
Wendy Darling: I figured because of the whole. Well. Me thing
Wendy Darling: But if you’re gay and were repressing that by forcing a crush on me then that’s fair
Wendy Darling: Same hat
Peter Pan: no I think I defs was interested in u
Peter Pan: ur rly pretty lol
Peter Pan: girls in general,,,, hng
Wendy Darling: So is it boys in general or just one boy?
Wendy Darling: Both are fair!
Peter Pan: I’m.
Peter Pan: hm
Wendy Darling: If you don’t know yet that’s literally completely normal, you’re only just realising this!!!
Peter Pan: I’m realising it’s probably not normal to like. Daydream about male celebrities
Wendy Darling: I mean it’s Normal it’s just not very het
Wendy Darling: So?
Peter Pan: ….boys in general I think
Wendy Darling: Hell yeah!!!
Wendy Darling: Back to the point- TELL HIM
Peter Pan: NO
Wendy Darling: He’s your BEST FRIEND TELL HIM
Peter Pan: THEN ILL HAVE TO TELL HIM HOW I REALISED
Peter Pan: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY
Peter Pan: CHRISTINE MADE ME REALISE THAT DAYDREAMING ABOUT LIKE, WAKING UP NEXT TO YOU EVERY MORNING IS GAY AS HELL?
Wendy Darling: You daydream about that??!
Peter Pan: ,,,,,,
Peter Pan: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Peter Pan: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,maybe
Wendy Darling: That’s so friccin cute holy shit
Wendy Darling: But also. You’re an OBLIVIOUS IDIOT HOW DID YOU NOT REALISE THIS BEFORE
Peter Pan: …….heteronormativity?
Wendy Darling: Fair!
So! Jeremy Heere was gay for one Michael Mell.
Jeremy Heere was also still dealing with some unresolved trust issues with Michael Mell, as a direct result of his horrifically bad choices.
So obviously, the only way forward was absolute repression of his feelings. That way they couldn’t fuck anything up for him!
The only problem was that he and Michael had been best friends for like 14 years, so Michael absolutely knew something was up.
It was obvious in the glances he sent to Jeremy when they were hanging out alone, in the way he flipped between being more cautious than he had been in months now and strangely clingy. And Jeremy tried to pull down the barriers he’d unintentionally erected, but he didn’t know how he could without confessing.
Eventually, things came to a head.
“We need to talk.”
Michael was stony-faced, obviously having decided that it was the safest way to get through this conversation.
“We… We do.”
“Oh, so you’re aware at least,” Michael muttered, before meeting Jeremy’s eyes. “You’re being shady again, Jer.”
Jeremy inhaled.
“I know. And I’m sorry.”
“Can you… tell me why at least?”
“I’ve been working some stuff out,” he admitted. “But… I don’t know how to talk about it yet. Or if I’m even ready to. But I swear, I haven’t been meaning to shut you out. You’re my best friend, even if I’m not always great at showing it.”
Michael sighed, the stern façade breaking completely.
“I just… Sometimes I wonder, you know? If we’d still be friends again if things had gone a little differently. It’s not like I think you’d have kept the SQUIP or anything, more just… If after the dust was settled, the choice had still been between me and popularity, or me and dating Christine, what would you have chosen?”
“Shit, Micah,” Jeremy replied, his guilt doubling.
“And logically I know you would’ve chosen me! I’m your ‘favouwite pewson’ and all that. But…”
“That doesn’t stop the voices in your head from insisting otherwise?”
“Pretty much.”
Jeremy was silent for a few moments, struggling to collect his thoughts.
“I wish I knew how to shut those up for you,” he admitted. “And I’m so sorry that I’ve made them worse again. At least I know how to shut my SQUIP up when I’m worried it’s returned. All I have for you is just… words.”
“I mean. Words can be pretty rad,” Michael said, sending him a fragile smile, and Jeremy laughed.
“Yeah, maybe when you’re actually good at using them! I, unfortunately, am not.”
“Come on, man, you’re better than you think! Channel your acting skills if you need to. You and Christine tried that improv shit, didn’t you?”
“If by ‘tried’ you mean ‘went literally once and had a horrible time’, then yeah, but I don’t think that actually counts.”
“Of course you had a horrible time, Jer, it was improv. But still! Just, do your best. Any communication would be helpful right now.”
Jeremy nodded, fiddling with his shirt as he planned out a vague idea of what he wanted to say.
“I… I can’t imagine my life without you in it,” he eventually admitted. “Well, I can, because I lived it, but… The rest of my life. I don’t see a future that doesn’t include you.”
“Jer—”
“Nope! No talking till I’m done. This is a monologue, okay?”
Michael made an obliging zipper motion over his lips.
“I’ve talked about it a little bit, but the months I had with the SQUIP active were some of the worst in my life. And the conditioning was a part of that, definitely. Knowing that I’d get shocked if I did anything it didn’t like, it was fucking hard. But everything about those months was made infinitely harder because I didn’t have you at my side.
“And honestly, there were so many points during that whole shitshow that made me think I deserved to hate myself, like the SQUIP was saying. Especially after Halloween. Because fuck, who does that to their best friend? And I know, I know the SQUIP was still affecting my decisions even though it was off. The whole conditioning thing was designed to make me think in a certain way even when it wasn’t around. But the thing I will always regret the most about that whole mess will be how I treated you in those months. And I don’t know how I can rebuild that trust again. I don’t even know if I can. But I will spend the rest of my life trying to, if that’s what it takes. Because I don’t think I can live without you again. And I don’t want to either way.”
Michael waited for a moment, obviously assessing whether or not Jeremy was finished talking. When it became clear he was, Michael was up off his beanbag in a flash, arms flung around Jeremy’s neck as he pulled him in for a hug.
“The rest of our lives? Sounds kinda gay, dude,” he mumbled, face buried in Jeremy’s shoulder, and Jeremy blushed as he came to a decision.
“What… What if it was kinda gay?”