Chapter Text
“Can I come in?“
Bette exhaled. Of course Tina was on her fucking doorstep.
Bette had stepped aside and let her ex-wife in somewhat reluctantly. Out of habit, she thought of offering her some tea or a glass of wine, before remembering how shitty Tina had treated her the day before at Dana’s. Her whole body tensed up again. She was so hurt. A few seconds of silence passed before Bette turned towards the blonde.
“What’s going on?“, she asked. “Do you need to see Angie? She’s up in her room if you-“
“I came to talk to you. Can we sit down?“
Bette sighed and rubbed her forehead in frustration.
“Tina, I’m not sure that now is really the right time, I was just-“
“Please“, Tina interrupted her, pursing her lips in the worried way only she did. “Please, Bette.“
After a moment of hesitation, Bette relented, raising both of her hands in compliance. She walked the few steps that separated them from the kitchen table and sat down. Tina followed her slowly, almost carefully, in the strained atmosphere of the living room.
They hadn’t sat here alone together since the dinner when Tina had announced her engagement to Bette, who had made her feel like she was the butt of some kind of cosmic fucking joke. See, Bette had met Carrie before. And she had hated every second of it. Because Carrie felt so wrong for Tina. Bette didn’t know whether it was insulting or relieving that Tina had gotten together with the person most different from her that she could have. She had, sometimes, tried to imagine conversations, exchanges between Carrie and Tina. Even sex. But all she could picture was void of any interest, of any beauty. Hearing that Tina had agreed to marry someone else had put Bette through heartbreak and grief all at the same time. She sighed at the painful memory.
“So, what is it?“
Tina tilted her head to the side, held her hands together on the table. She had a pleading look on her face that Bette was not used to anymore.
“I came to apologize“, she said, softly. “I was horrible to you, I-I can’t believe myself. I’m so sorry, Bette, I really am.“
Bette lowered her eyes, before looking back up at her ex-wife and blinking slowly, brows furrowed. Their conversation at Alice’s goodbye party had been a fucking mess. Bette was trying to do good, talk from her heart, but Tina simply couldn’t listen to what she had to say. The next thing she knew, Carrie was causing a scene and Tina was ordering her to go. The anger on the blonde’s face and the vehemence of her accusations on her way out of Dana’s had been enough to make Bette’s guts churn.
“And I also came to hear you out“, Tina added.
This caused Bette to raise her eyebrows in surprise. She had felt so helpless at the bar, trying to open up to her ex-wife and getting shot down in return. She had not expected Tina to want to listen to her side of the story, especially not after her apparent fight with her fiancée. But where was she supposed to begin, after she had been accused of what, willingly ruining an evening, a relationship?
“Tina, I-“, Bette started, “I don’t know what to tell you.“
“You were talking about what Shane and Alice asked you, and-”
“I-I was trying to give you my blessing, Tina“, said Bette somewhat dryly. “I was trying to tell you that if you came to my doorstep wanting to try again I would tell you to go to Carrie, because she’s who you’ve chosen and, I guess… I guess this is what will make you and Angie happy and your happiness is the only thing that matters. And I wanted to apologize to Carrie, as well. For not being a team player, and for the way I treated her.”
When Bette looked up, Tina’s eyes were shiny with tears and she wore a tender, sort of sad smile.
“So you want me to get married?”
The blonde tone’s was indecipherable. Bette half-wanted her to sound hopeful, but her ex-wife had been a mystery for her in the last year, in the last weeks especially. Bette could feel herself get angry. The image of Tina walking down the aisle, celebrating as a bride, kissing someone else, I now pronounce you wife and wife, Bette wanted to rip her fucking skin off, to cut her stomach open. Abruptly, she stood from her chair and walked to the living room. She thought she was going to be sick.
Tina’s eyes were following her. If Bette had been able to look at her, she might have seen the pain on her face. She cautiously got up, approached ex-wife like she was a small animal she didn’t want to scare. As she stood about a foot behind Bette who was turned away from her, Tina’s hand automatically reached to touch her ex-wife’s arm before she stopped herself.
“Be honest with me, Bette”, Tina almost begged.
The silence grew loud between the two women. Bette could sense Tina’s presence behind her. It made her feel alive, yet it petrified her. Her heart was beating fast all the way down her stomach, a mix of anger, love, anticipation. Bette’s nostrils flared. She felt like the biggest idiot in the entire fucking universe. She had let Shane get to her, give her hope, entertain the possibility of Tina not getting married. But it was too late now. She took a breath before she turned towards her ex-wife.
“Of course I do.”
Bette had a politician’s smile that Tina could see right through.
Admittedly, the signs had been there for a while. Tina had been missing Bette, of course, but that wasn’t really out of the ordinary. There wasn’t a day in her life where she hadn’t missed Bette. But being back in LA had changed everything.
Keeping contact with her ex-wife on the phone while she was shooting in Toronto was fine. It was easy. They had managed to keep an almost professional relationship, compromising for the good of their daughter, discussing what time Angie was meant to come home from Jordi’s, which set of headphones she was allowed to buy. They were good at co-parenting.
Seeing each other again in the midst of Bette’s election drama had been hard on the three of them. Tina was well aware that she wasn’t supposed to feel a tanging pain in her chest when talking about her wedding, or at the sight of Bette leaving the table. She had blamed it on the emotions of the moment, the exhausting campaign, the stress of moving back to LA.
Bette probably didn’t imagine that Tina had read every news article, followed every debate, listened to every interview. She had felt an unlimited pride watching her ex-wife’s impressive campaign, her tenacity. She was locked up in her Toronto bathroom at around 1 in the morning, refreshing the city website every second when Millner had won, and Tina’d had to stop herself from sobbing as to not wake Carrie in the next room. Her call with Bette the next day had been filled with a knowing silence.
Bette was different now, softer. If you’d asked her, she would have called herself worn down. But Tina could see something had changed within, in a deep way. And it kept pulling her back in.
“Bette…” Tina grabbed her ex-wife’s arm, as she was trying to move away. Both women shuddered at the sudden contact. “I’m not marrying Carrie.”
Bette stopped in her tracks, her big brown eyes instantly filled with concern. She locked eyes with Tina, frowning in confusion. The blonde gave her a soft stare. Bette suddenly looked so young and vulnerable. They were facing each other now, about two feet apart and tension was pulling at their spines, reminding them they were well over their thirties. A loud, tired sigh left Bette’s body unwillingly. She didn’t seem to know whether she was relieved, pissed off or troubled. Escaping her ex-wife’s tender grip, she stepped away this time, sitting down on her creamy white couch and covering her head with her hands.
“What do you want from me, Tina?”, Bette asked, her voice on the brink of cracking.
“I want you to tell me what you’re thinking“, the blonde said, just above a whisper. She was standing right behind the other woman, on the flat side of the couch. This time, Tina dared to put her hand on Bette’s shoulder and leave it there. “What you’re feeling.“
Silence settled between them again ; for some reason, it felt promising to Tina. After a few seconds, she felt Bette’s head leaning against her forearm. She knew her ex-wife had her eyes closed. Tina allowed her hand to move up to Bette’s neck, to stroke her jaw. Both women regretted the contact as soon as it broke, but Tina had to stop herself before it slipped out of her control and went any further. Needing to reassure Bette, she took a few steps around the couch and knelt just in front of her, feeling her joints tug in response. Bette looked down at Tina. The closeness, the intimacy of the moment took them both by surprise.
“I’m sorry”, Tina said, softly. She could tell her ex-wife was unable to speak. But she wasn’t sure what she to say, where to begin. “I’ve been so unfair to you, Bette. And coming here now, not saying anything, I-I know I’m still not being fair.”
Tina put both of her hands on Bette’s knees. She was fighting her instinct to take her in her arms, stroke her hair, give her the comfort she looked like she needed. She wanted to tell Bette she loved her, but she knew there had been too many I love you’s that meant you’re my family for this one to mean something different. And Bette looked too fragile, too frail to figure it out.
The signs had really been bugging her, too. Seeing Bette kiss that woman on a date, then seeing her with Pippa at the house – Tina knew she had no business feeling so bothered, so jealous that Bette was moving on, but she couldn’t help it. Her blood had been boiling with envy.
“I miss you every day, Bette.”
“You left me…”, Bette paused. She seemed to contemplate saying the second part of her thought out loud. “You left Angie.”
Tina’s heart took a hit. She knew what this accusation meant from Bette, from the little girl in Bette that had been abandoned by her mother as a child.
“I didn’t leave Angie, Bette. I never left her side. Thanks to you, I didn’t. Because you made sure I stayed.” Bette gave a small, almost shy smile that made Tina feel like she’d said the right thing. It gave her the courage she needed to continue, quietly. “But I left you. That much is true, I did. And I regret it more than anything.”
Bette blinked.
“Oh, Tina…”
This was not how Bette had expected her night to go. Somehow Tina was now down on her knees in front of her, looking up at her with hopeful eyes. It suddenly felt strange, watching the love of her life straight in the eye, almost 50 years old, letting her know that she regretted leaving her. Divorcing her. Bette had never thought her life would look like this. It felt like her whole body was on fire, like her organs were all in the wrong place.
“I kept on waiting for you to come back”, she uttered, trying her best not to cry. “Every time you called. Every time someone rang at the door.”
Bette paused, looked up to stop the tears that had formed in her eyes from dropping onto her cheeks. She took a breath.
“I guess I’m still waiting for you, even now that you’re right in front of me.”
“I’m here now, Bette.”
“Are you, Tina?”
Bette’s tone was neither defiant nor hostile. There was a certain honesty, a vulnerability in her voice that she hadn’t meant to display. Her heart was racing, beating in her chest, her stomach, her throat. It felt difficult to swallow. Tina was so beautiful in front of her. It was as if Bette hadn’t seen her grow older while they were together, like she hadn’t noticed her aging. Her cheekbones had filled up. Her hair… Bette had always loved her hair so much. It was longer these days, and always carefully curled. She had permanent worry lines on her forehead. Bette sighed, out of concern ; maybe out of comfort. Tina’s lips, her chin, those were left unchanged by the marks of time. Ever so cute. Ever so expressive.
Bette couldn’t help but tuck a strand of blonde hair behind her ex-wife’s ear, her thumb grazing Tina’s lobe. The proximity between them felt electric. In the silence of the living room, Bette heard Tina’s breath hitch as she slowly traced her jawline with the back of her index finger. They were gazing at each other now, sharing a look they weren’t used to anymore. A look that wasn’t allowed anymore. Tina bit her lip. It took everything in Bette not to lean forward and kiss her.
“Come on, sit”, she offered lightly after a moment. “You fool. I know your knee is killing you right now.”
Tina chuckled and got up from the floor to sit next to Bette. They were both smiling, inevitably remembering Tina’s cartoony slip and fall in the New York snow that had earned her a short surgery, a long recovery, and a lifetime of mockery from her daughter.
“You’re right. I’m getting old. But don’t tell Angie I said that.”
Bette laughed tenderly, Tina joining in. Their daughter had made a habit of calling them old whenever they acted uncool, which, to her mothers, seemed to be all the fucking time.
“What are we gonna do, T?”, Bette asked rhetorically.
The question had been supposed to be light, a soft comment about Angelica, but now, as their laughter had died down, it felt serious, pointed. Looking at her hands, Bette didn’t see the sparkle passing Tina’s eyes when she heard her nickname. A moment went by. They were avoiding each other’s gaze again.
“I am here, you know“, the blonde spoke up. “I’m here and I want to be here, and I want to be here to stay.“
Bette turned her head towards her ex-wife. The tentative smile that came upon her face looked more strained than she intended. She was hearing everything she had longed for in the last year, yet she had trouble really believing any of it. Bette was half-waiting for her alarm clock to ring and awaken her from what felt like a dream. She disliked the oscillation her whole body was undergoing between comfort and anxiety. Being close to Tina felt like home and a little bit like hell at the same time. She needed a drink. Bette touched Tina’s arm softly, before standing up and heading to the kitchen. Walking always helped her emotions settle.
“Red or white?“
Tina was giving her a knowing smile when Bette turned towards her from afar. Sauvignon blanc, definitely. Old habits die hard.
When Bette sat back down, Tina had turned towards her completely. They raised their glasses to each other with a soft smile, taking a sip before putting them down on the coffee table in sync.
“Do you remember when you called me before flying to Jodi to swipe her off feet?“
Bette raised an eyebrow and nodded, confused as to where Tina was going with this.
“Do you remember what I told you that night?“
“Vaguely, I remember the general direction of the conversation“, Bette replied, her interest piqued. “To be fair, it was like fifteen years ago.“
Tina smiled. She was giving Bette a look that made her feel dizzy. It had been years since Tina had looked at her this way, with the adoration of their early days and the intensity of a volcanic eruption.
“I believe I said“, the blonde took a breath, blinked. “I never should have let you go. I would do anything for another chance. I’m not afraid to make a fool out of myself.“
A shiver ran through Bette’s spine, all the way to her fingertips. The strange mix of nostalgia and fire she was feeling was overwhelming. Now, she remembered asking for those words, sat up on her hotel bed, unable not to call Tina, and receiving them with confused tears in her eyes. Hearing her ex-wife saying them again made her heart swell like it was going to explode.
They were sitting face to face on the couch, their bent legs almost touching at the knee. Bette couldn’t help but reach for Tina’s hand. She broke their gaze and looked down, taking the blonde’s hand in both of hers, before bringing it to her face. With a slow movement, Bette closed her eyes and placed the chastest kiss against Tina’s palm. She had always loved her hands. Allowing her lips to graze just barely on Tina’s skin, she reached for the tip of her index finger. The small kiss she left there was open-mouthed. Almost desperate.
“Bette…“
Tina’s whimper only added gasoline to the fire burning in Bette’s body. She repeated her wet kiss closer to the blonde’s knuckles, then again on her palm, on her wrist. Smelling Tina’s perfume, she unconsciously licked the skin there. Bette heard her ex-wife catch a shaky breath, one she was familiar with. Tina was just as turned on as she was.
“I’m not afraid“, Tina repeated, “to make a fool out of myself.“
Bette locked eyes with Tina again. She kissed the side of her thumb.
“I never should’ve let you go.“
She kissed the back of her hand.
“I would do anything for another chance.“
She kissed her knuckles, at an even slower pace, sucking on the skin there.
Tina hadn’t felt this alive in months. Years, maybe. Her whole body was reacting to Bette’s breath, her lips, her tongue. Finally, it was time for them to find each other again. Tina leant forward, her hand finding Bette’s thigh and lingering there. The slow urgency of lust, of need was stronger than any other consideration. Bette was a different kind of beautiful tonight. Tina had to kiss her, she thought she might die if she didn’t. Her hand escaped Bette’s tender hold and went to rest on her face, softly rubbing her cheek. Their foreheads touched, then their noses. Bette’s breath against her lips made Tina shudder.
“Wait, Tina. Stop.”
Bette had spoken so quietly that Tina had barely heard her, but her plea had been understood immediately. Gently, the blonde retreated, letting her left hand fall down to Bette’s lap.
“I’m sorry“, she apologized immediately. “I didn’t mean to-“
“It-it’s okay“, Bette interrupted. “It’s okay. I just, I can’t right now. I can’t keep on making the same mistake.“
Tina pursed her lips and nodded. She was trying to control her breathing. She looked up. Bette’s eyes were full of something she couldn’t quite figure out.
“I understand.“
“And Angie is upstairs, sh-she might come down anytime and I don’t want her to-“
“Bette, it’s fine“, it was Tina’s turn to cut her ex-wife off. “I understand.“
Tina carefully removed her hands from Bette’s lap and brought them back into her own, softly, as not to seem angry. She reached for her wine glass and took a sip. Her ego was a little bruised by Bette’s sudden pull back, but she really did understand. She had come unannounced, basically begging the brunette to take her back… Not a smart move. It was way too much, way too soon.
“I think I should go“, Bette said suddenly, getting up from the couch. “The opening at the CAC is tonight and I think I should make an appearance.“
“Okay, that’s okay. Do you need a ride or something?“ Tina asked, gesturing to the front door.
“No, I think I’ll drive there, I-I probably won’t drink anyway, so…“
The energy in the room had shifted completely. They were awkwardly standing opposite each other again, Tina well aware that Bette was avoiding her gaze. She had really freaked her out. She squeezed her arm and gave her an encouraging smile anyway.
“Okay. I’ll let you go then. Do you mind if I just go say hi to Angie?“
Bette looked back at her and gave her a moderate smile back.
“No, of course, go. Just have her lock up after you?“
Tina nodded. She hesitated for a second, her heart screaming to ask Bette when they would see each other again, what would be of them, whether she would get another chance. She rubbed the back of her neck. Maybe it was better not to say anything.
As Bette was about to step out, she stopped and turned around. She looked at the blonde almost shyly.
“T?“
“Yeah?“
Tina forbade her heart to flutter with hope.
“Let’s talk tomorrow, okay? Angie’s spending the day at Jordi’s. You can just come by after breakfast.“
A grin found its way onto Tina’s lips. Maybe there was a glimmer of fucking hope after all.