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Percy didn’t notice it at first. It was easy to miss right after Tartarus, to glance over the way Annabeth tensed when he touched her hand or the way she spaced out while he talked to her. He began to see her less and less, but it was a war. Annabeth was busy. It made sense.
It wasn't until after Gaea was defeated that everything came to a head. He found her sitting in front of the lake in the very same spot they had been the day that they’d had their first kiss. Percy could hardly remember the feeling of that day, couldn’t imagine being that carefree and happy. He wanted to curse Hera, suddenly, for taking that from him; had to remind himself quickly that it wasn’t all her, no matter how central she’d been to his disappearance.
Annabeth sat silently beside him for a long while before she spoke up. “I don't know if I can do this anymore.”
And, well, Percy certainly hadn’t been expecting that. He'd never heard Annabeth sound so small before. The way she sounded so broken startled him to the point he almost forgot to respond. “What do you mean?”
“I think… I think we need some time,” Annabeth said slowly, like she thought she might scare him off if she talked too quickly. “I don't know how to be after… after what happened. I have to learn. We have to learn.”
Percy could feel the moment it began to sink in in the way his shoulders went tense and his hands began to shake. “Are you… you’re breaking up with me?”
Annabeth looked at him for the first time since he sat down beside her, and he finally noticed the way her eyes looked so sad, lifeless like Tartarus had sucked all the light completely out of her. With a start, he realized he probably looked the same way. It shook him to his core. “I still want to be close to you, Percy. You’re my best friend; that never changed. I'm here for you no matter what, but Tar- that place changed us. There’s no getting around that. I've...we’ve changed. I have to figure out who I am now.”
“You can’t do that with me?” Percy could barely force the words out through the lump in his throat. He wished so desperately to turn back time, fall back into the water with her, laughing as the campers cheered when they splashed in, and this time when the urge came, he did curse Hera, letting the hatred flow through his body like a salve.
Annabeth smiled at him, but even that looked sad, like she couldn’t muster up the energy to be happy. He wondered if her smiles had been like that since they escaped that place. He wondered why he hadn’t noticed. “Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe tomorrow we’ll both realize it made us stronger, but…Percy, can’t you feel it? We’re not who we used to be.”
Percy should’ve known this would end in tears from the moment he sat down. He thinks that, somewhere in his chest or his bones or soul or something, maybe he did. But he sat down anyway, and now he sat, tears threatening to spill from his eyes as Annabeth ran a hand through his hair soothingly, still smiling that sad, small smile, and Percy can’t look at her too long or he’ll really start to sob. Something about her was raw and vulnerable, and it made him feel like maybe this was for the best. He couldn’t remember ever seeing her look like this before. Annabeth ran her hand through his hair once more and placed her hand on his cheek. “I love you, Percy Jackson. No matter what, I will always love you.”
And even as the dam broke and his tears began to fall, even as she pulled him close and cradled his head to her chest, he believed her. He had always believed her.
The following month was hard. Ever true to her word, Annabeth stayed by his side, just in a different way than before. They talked much more now, sometimes about little things, sometimes about big things that often ended with one or both of them in shambles. She assured him that he could talk to her about anything, and he was sure that extended to the breakup and his conflicting feelings about it, but….but.
Well, Percy just figured it would be a bit weird to talk to the girl who broke his heart about how bad he felt about it.
And he knew she never meant to hurt him, of course he did, but sometimes it was just hard to feel anything but pain when his hand twitched to hold hers or she did something sweet and all he wanted to do is kiss her.
He knew eventually he’d get over it, and they could be friends. Now that it had happened, he could see that Annabeth was right (because of course she was). It made her easier to talk to, and that mattered when she was the only person who knew what he went through. Other people had heard stories, obviously, but it’s different when you actually live it. Annabeth knew that, and honestly it was a little infuriating how she knew exactly what Percy needed at any given time. That's how Percy knew this was for the best. Annabeth knew him, and she knew herself, and she had been so sure about this.
But still. He needed someone to talk to about this. Someone who understood a break up like this and who could listen while he talked through it.
That's how Percy found himself standing outside cabin 1, debating whether knocking was a good idea or not. It wasn’t that far of a walk back to his cabin. He could just walk away with little time wasted. However, if he did that, he knew he would never come back, and he needed this. So he steeled himself and knocked on the door before he could chicken out.
Less than a second later, Jason Grace was opening the door. He must’ve seen the shock on Percy's face because he said, “I saw you walk up. Come in.” He smiled, handsome like he’d just walked out of a painting. Sometimes it pissed Percy off.
Percy entered the cabin, glancing away from the huge statue of Zeus that decorated the room. The thing was terrifying, and frankly, Percy would rather avoid it if he could. “Hey, man.” He didn’t know what to say. How do you tell your sort-of-friend-sort-of-war-buddie that you need his help going through a breakup that happened a month ago? “It's been a while, I feel like. How are you?”
Jason was smiling still, but it looked different. Like pity, but softer—not the way some of the other campers looked at him sometimes, like they were sorry, but glad beyond belief that it was him and not them. No, it was nicer than that, didn’t grate on Percy's nerves so bad. “I'm good. I've been working on getting foundations set for the more minor gods and goddesses to have their place here and at Camp Jupiter. I'm actually glad you came to talk to me now; I'll be on my way to California tomorrow.”
“Oh,” Percy said cleverly. “Are you- I mean, do you need to pack or... I don’t want to get in your way or anything.”
“No, it’s no problem. Like I said, I'm glad you’re here.” Jason smiled again, that masterpiece grin, and it almost made Percy want to believe him. “Was there something you wanted to talk about?”
“Yeah, kind of.” Percy felt kind of… weird, the two of them standing in the middle of the cabin. He wasn’t sure how to tell Jason he would rather sit. “Annabeth and I broke up.”
Jason's smile turned sad. “I know. That sucks, man, I'm sorry.”
“Yeah, well,” Percy shrugged. “It is what it is.”
“Is it?”
Percy paused. He hadn’t been expecting that. “Yeah. Yeah, well… I mean, on one hand, she was right when she said it was for the best. But on the other hand….”
Jason had an expression on his face that made Percy want to spill his guts. It was scary in the same way it was refreshing.
“On the other hand, it sucks. Cause, you know… I really love her, and she’s my best friend and she always has been but I guess- I guess it’s weird to not be with her.”
Jason nodded and sat on one of the beds in the cabin, patting the space across from him. “Come sit, tell me everything.”
And something about him made Percy want to. So he did.
“You and Jason seem to be getting along well.”
Percy startled, not expecting the voice after sitting in silence for so long.
Annabeth grinned at him as she sat on the dock beside him. “Sorry, didn’t mean to sneak up on you. Just wanted to chat.”
Percy smiled at her. “It’s fine.” He supposed it had been a while since they’d sat down and talked, just the two of them. At least a week, since Jason had been back in Camp Half Blood the week before, and in between sparring, and chores, and hanging out with him, Percy didn’t really have time to do much else other than eat and sleep. “And… yeah, I guess we have. I hadn't really noticed.” Percy turned to Annabeth, mischievous glint in his eyes. “Why? Jealous?”
Annabeth snorted, shoving Percy’s shoulder. “You wish. Just glad you’re finally getting some other friends. God knows you need them.”
Percy laughed, loud and uninhibited. “Alright, no need to get personal, wiseass.” It didn't hurt anymore, being around her in this new way. Of course, sometimes he’d reach to grab her hand and brush her hair out of her face out of habit, but talking with Jason had really helped him work through the breakup. And, as much as he hated to admit it, Annabeth was right once again. Having a friend to rely on that wasn’t Annabeth was doing wonders for his mental health. He briefly wondered why he hadn’t done this before.
Annabeth laughed for a moment longer before her face slowly dissolved into something softer. “I'm serious though. I'm really happy for you, Percy.”
Percy remembered, suddenly, something she had said before. ‘No matter what, I will always love you.’ Two months ago, it had felt like a goodbye. Now it felt like a promise. It warmed his heart as he smiled back at his best friend. “Thank you, Beth. That means a lot.” He meant it.
Annabeth kissed his forehead as she stood up. “Alright well. I have to meet Piper to help her clean up the stables. Try not to get too bored out here by yourself.” She wiped her hands on her pants to brush off any dirt. “Of course, you could always try making another friend?”
“Don’t push it,” Percy said, no real venom behind his words.
Annabeth was laughing as she walked away.
Percy was burning, though it was hard to tell whether it was his rage or the fire surrounding him that made his skin glow hot. He couldn’t see, but he knew he was floating—the air heady with power and anger. He could hear his own voice echoing around him, cold and uncaring. Something about the things he was feeling, the things he wanted to do, chilled him to the core, sharply contrasting with the raging fire he felt within his chest. He was going to kill her. He was going to kill her, use her own blood and skin and bones against her, and the worst part was that he felt good. He felt powerful. He was drunk on it, hearing his laughter echo around the room in some sick chorus. He was laughing, but she was clearly in agony–sobbing and pleading for mercy, but he wouldn’t grant it, even as she screamed-
“Hey, hey, you’re alright. Percy, hey, buddy, wake up.”
Percy startled awake at the voice and a cold hand against his arm. His heart wouldn’t stop racing. He could almost feel the power still, the rush and the anger. His hands were shaking. “Wha’s…What’s goin’ on?”
Jason was kneeling beside his bed, smiling up at him kindly with a hand on his arm. “You were having a nightmare.”
Percy frowned. The dam behind his eyes wouldn’t hold very long, he could tell. “I thought you were in California still.” He dropped his hands to the bed in an effort to stop their tremors. He needed to get rid of this feeling before Jason witnessed him have a full on breakdown.
“I just got back. I was on my way to my cabin, but I heard you and I wanted to make sure everything was alright.” Jason’s voice was still so soft, like he didn’t want to scare Percy. Percy’s chest hurt so bad, burning in his lungs and his throat and he briefly thought this was what it would be like to drown. It was terrible.
“You heard me?”
Jason frowned, grazing his hand up Percy’s arm to clasp onto his shoulder. The dam began to creak and groan. “Perce, you were screaming.”
Percy whimpered pathetically, sounding vaguely like a kicked puppy, and Jason exhaled a soft, “Oh…,” before tugging Percy into a tight hug, and that was it—the last straw. His dam exploded with his tears as he buried his face in Jason’s shoulder.
Through Percy’s sobs, Jason simply held on—running a hand up and down Percy’s back and reassuring him in that same soft voice, “It’s okay, Perce. I’m right here; it’s okay.” Slowly, slowly, Percy began to calm down, breath hiccuping with the aftereffects of his outburst. One of Jason’s hands migrated to Percy’s head, gently carding through his hair. It wasn’t possible, but Percy felt it had the same tone as the reassurances had; that softness and genuine kindness that Percy so greatly admired Jason for.
Wait. That was new. Percy had never really thought about it like that before, but he supposed he did admire Jason. Or…something. The word felt strange when used to describe the feeling welling up in his chest; like a shirt that didn’t quite fit. Percy took a moment to examine the feeling and found it somewhat similar to the way his stomach would twist when Annabeth took his hand back in the early days. And that… Well, that was not what Percy had expected to find, and something about that realization made his heart twinge with anxiety.
But all through Percy’s introspection, Jason simply held him and continued his gentle ministrations. It was…good. Percy couldn’t remember a time when he had felt this safe and genuinely cared for by anyone other than his mother and maybe Annabeth.
He exhaled, slow and purposeful and tried to expel all his self-inflicted anxiety with it. “Hey, Jason?”
“Yeah?” Percy could feel Jason’s voice vibrating in his throat. He wanted to scream.
“Thank you.”
Jason smiled with his whole body and it shone through his voice when he said, “Of course, Perce.”
Percy found him sitting alone, very uncommon these days, and approached slowly with a cautious smile. He was holding a book, leaning against the side of the dining hall with his eyebrows furrowed. He was either very concentrated on his reading or didn’t care much about Percy’s approach.
“Hey, Nico. You got a sec?” Percy asked, chest tensing with nerves.
Nico lifted his head from his book and nodded, not quite smiling at Percy, but not looking too upset by his arrival. He gestured beside him. “Percy. To what do I owe the pleasure?”
Percy snorted at the delivery, Nico’s voice absolutely drenched in sarcasm. “Well, I have…a little bit of a problem.” Percy almost felt bad asking Nico about this, but… “You’re kind of the only person I could think of to help.”
“Oh?” That had clearly piqued Nico’s interest, and Percy watched as he closed the book and sat it on the ground beside him.
Percy cleared his throat and let out a nervous little laugh. “Uhm. Yeah. So…I have a question. And I’m really sorry if this is, like, rude; I’m not trying to offend you or anything, I just-”
“Spit it out, Percy,” Nico said, not unkindly. Percy was starting to get the feeling he already knew what he was going to ask.
So he took a deep breath, and in one quick exhale, he asked, “How did you know that you, uhm…”
Nico nodded and finished the question for him: “That I was gay?” When Percy nodded, Nico continued, “Well, the fact that I had a huge, embarrassing crush on you definitely helped speed the process along-” The bluntness of the statement shocked a laugh out of Percy, and the corner of Nico’s lips ticked up in response- “But it’s…a difficult thing to work through. And it’s confusing and sometimes downright upsetting working through your own prejudices and preconceptions about yourself to get down to what you really want and who you really are. So I guess the way I knew is that I didn’t feel like I was playing a part anymore. It felt…right, despite how scary it was. Do you understand?” Nico turned his head to look at Percy straight on.
Percy wanted to ignore the way his hands shook, the same way he wanted to ignore the way Jason made his stomach twist and his heart stutter. He wanted to pretend he didn’t know exactly what Nico meant when he said that because he didn’t want it to be true. He didn’t want to get it so completely. But he couldn’t deny the way he felt so, so happy when Jason laughed at one of his dumb jokes, or how touched he’d been when Jason started sneaking into his cabin at night with a whispered excuse of “It’s too quiet in mine. Do you mind?” Percy’s mind was racing, connecting all the dots and turning them into constellations so bright that Percy couldn’t ignore them, couldn’t pretend he didn’t know what they meant.
“Percy?”
Percy nodded slowly, inhaling deep—1 2 3 4—exhaling. “I…think so. Thanks.” He pushed himself up and brushed the dirt off his pants.
Before Percy could leave, Nico caught his wrist, smiling up at him. “I’m proud of you, Percy.”
Percy’s eyes welled up, and he smiled brightly at the boy below him. His throat was tight when he thanked Nico, and he walked quickly back to his cabin with two thoughts on his mind.
He, Percy Jackson, was in love with Jason Grace.
Jason could never, ever know.
Percy was alone on the beach the next time he saw Jason. It was past curfew and he knew that, but people tended to let him bend the rules a little these days, and the stars were too clear to pass up that night. So he laid there on the sand, silently watching the sky as clouds came and went and the stars remained constant, as always. He was so engrossed, he almost didn’t hear the footsteps as they approached through the sand. He glanced over to see Jason standing beside him, looking mildly concerned.
“Hey. I was looking for you. Is everything alright?”
Percy turned his attention back to the sky in an effort to calm down his thumping heart. He nodded. “Yeah. Just watching the stars.”
He felt a light kick to his arm and peered over at Jason once more. He was smiling, and it made Percy’s mouth curve up a little too. “Can I join you?”
“Sure.” Percy patted the ground next to him and watched silently as Jason gracefully took his spot beside him. He watched him for just a moment longer before turning green eyes back towards the sky. “They’re beautiful tonight.”
“Yeah.”
Percy could feel Jason’s eyes burning into the side of his face. He smiled even as his face began to warm with a flush. He turned his head to the side to look at Jason, and sure enough, he caught sight of two blue eyes staring him down. “Watcha looking at, Grace?”
Percy watched as Jason’s face went bright red and his smile turned nervous, looking away with a giggle— giggle! “Okay, don’t get all cocky, Jackson."
“Jackson? Now that was too far,” Percy teased, turning so he laid on his side facing his friend.
Jason scoffed and raised an eyebrow at Percy. “Seriously?”
Percy just smiled, shrugging his shoulders like it could hide the way his heart raced. He wanted to reach out and push Jason’s hair off his forehead; it had gotten long recently, and he knew it bugged Jason when it fell over his face like that but Percy thought it looked ridiculously attractive. Unfairly so.
As he stared, Percy saw the exact moment that Jason’s face turned contemplative. He knew that face. That was the face of Jason when he was about to do something either really stupid or really kind.
Heart pounding, Percy watched helplessly as Jason turned on his side, a mirror of Percy’s position, so they laid facing each other. The movement had brought him closer to Percy, just a tad too close to be written off as platonic bros—or maybe Percy was just seeing what he wanted to see. But then Jason was reaching out, so slowly Percy thought he was imagining it at first, and pushing Percy’s hair away from his face just like Percy had been thinking about before.
Breath caught in his chest, Percy could barely get out his whisper of, “Jason…”
“What are they about?” Jason’s hand was still so close to him, short-circuiting Percy’s brain so hard that it took a solid ten seconds to process the question.
“What’s what about?” Percy kept his eyes firmly on Jason’s hand, letting the sinking feeling that he’d sorely misinterpreted this situation wash over him.
Jason’s hand tensed, clenched and unclenched quickly like he was nervous. Percy ignored the stinging in his eyes. “The nightmares.”
Percy sat up so fast his head spun. “I can’t– Jason, I don’t…wanna talk about this right now.” He had never felt so fucking stupid. Just so caring, just caring until the bitter fucking end. It wasn’t romantic because of course it wasn’t. It was just Jason.
“Are they prophecies?” Jason was sitting up now too, leaning towards Percy, and Percy could tell that he just wanted to help.
So he shook his head and said, “No. Memories, kind of. Fears.”
Jason frowned and reached for Percy’s arm, and then frowned harder at the way he flinched. He sat there, hand hovering in the air, before he finally said, “Percy, I think you should see someone.”
Percy scoffed. “What, a therapist? You know how quickly I’d be hospitalized talking about the shit I’ve gone through to a therapist? They’d think I was crazy.”
“I’m sure there are demigod therapists, Perce. If you talk to Chiron-”
Percy shook his head, cutting Jason off. “Listen, I know you’re trying to help, and I appreciate that. But I-” He had to take a moment to blink past the tears clouding his eyes. Inhale—1 2 3 4—exhale. “Jason, the things that I’ve done… I think even Luke would be disgusted with me. I can’t- I can’t talk to anyone about this.”
Jason had never known Luke, but he’d heard enough stories to flinch at the name. “Percy, can you look at me? Please?”
Stubbornly, Percy kept his head turned forward, struggling to keep his breathing even and his face dry. But Jason’s hands were on his face, carefully turning Percy’s head to face his, and he was so warm and so safe and Percy felt a tear roll down his cheek to grace the tip of Jason’s finger.
“What are they about?” Jason asked in a whisper.
Percy shook his head, lips pressed together in an effort to keep his tears at bay. “I can’t. I can’t lose you.”
Jason’s resolute expression wavered, and Percy saw his eyes begin to well up. He brought Percy’s face closer to his own. “We’ve all done bad things; I’ve done bad things, but, Percy, you can’t keep these things bottled up like this because eventually you’re going to explode and… and I can’t lose you .” Percy watched the tears fall from Jason’s eyes down his face, and let Jason gently tug him forward and rest his forehead against his. “I want to know you. Talk to me. Let me know you.”
And something about him made Percy want to. So, through sobs and aching hearts, he did.
If Percy and Jason had spent a lot of time together before, they were inseparable after the night on the beach. They spent nearly every waking moment together, and almost always touching in some way—hand in hand, an arm around a waist, a head in a lap. Percy was sure that if he spent much more time constantly blushing, his face would get stuck that way.
The knowing looks Nico kept throwing at him certainly weren’t helping, and neither were the confused glances Will gave, eyes switching furtively between his boyfriend and the pair of boys like he would figure it out if he looked hard enough. At least Percy could be sure Nico would keep his secret, though it might only be because he thought Will’s obliviousness was funny (Or cute. Percy didn’t know which and frankly he didn’t want to).
And, well, Percy did think it was kind of funny at first, but now he was sure Jason was starting to notice that there was something going on that he didn’t know about, and if there was one thing Percy knew about Jason, it’s that he hated not knowing.
The first time Percy noticed Jason’s “detective work,” he had spotted him having a quick, whispered conversation with Will. The expression on the blonds’ faces was almost funny; that is until Jason caught Percy watching them and flushed so hard that Percy was sure he was red all the way down his chest (and that was something Percy should not be thinking about while he was standing in the stables, Jesus Christ). Jason looked at best sheepish and at worst guilty, like he’d been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Percy, at the time not understanding what he could possibly be feeling guilty about, had simply smiled and waved.
Blackjack knocked his muzzle against Percy’s shoulder. He’s a cute one. You like him. It wasn’t a question.
“Hush,” Percy muttered as he turned his attention back to brushing through Blackjack's mane. He frowned. “Is it that obvious?”
Painfully.
Percy cursed his chances of hiding it if even a horse could see it from a mile away.
He didn’t hear it over the sinking feeling in his stomach, the whisper—or, really, more the implication—of ‘Him too.’ The words swaying on the sea breeze: ‘You put the stars in his sky.’
It was only a matter of time.
It happened on the same beach, like most things seem to nowadays, after Annabeth and Piper had wandered back to their respective cabins (but not before enduring some teasing from the two slightly insomniatic boys).
Jason had been looking at Percy—he did that a lot recently, and Percy had simply learned to accept it–before he broke his silence to ask, “Are you and Annabeth getting back together?”
Percy snorted and shook his head. “No. We…We’re better like this. Like friends. And, besides, I’m pretty sure her and Piper have something going on.” But Jason was still looking at him, so he felt the need to clarify. “Like…romantically. You know?”
“Yeah, it…you just- or, well, it seems-” Jason huffed and laid flat on the sand. In the late night lighting, his hair blended in like he was meant to be there, on Percy’s home court. “I’m a little bit frustrated.
Percy had to look away; sandy hair on sandy beaches was making his head spin. “Yeah? And why’s that, Wonder Boy?” He looked at the sky instead.
Jason was looking at Percy again—Percy could feel his gaze burning into the side of his head—and something about it felt like a secret, something soft and just for them, so Percy looked back. “I don’t understand you sometimes.”
“No?”
“And it feels like I’m so close but there’s one piece missing and it’s making the whole thing indecipherable.”
There weren’t any stars that night. Just pure, empty sky barely interrupted by the moon. In the middle of the blank, Percy leaned down and lowered his voice. If Jason wanted a secret, he’d damn well get one. “Have you ever been surrounded by people who knew you were different? Like they saw you and they could just tell right away that something wasn’t the same?”
Jason nodded, less of an agreement and more an encouragement to continue, and Percy loved him more than ever.
“That should’ve tipped me off, I guess, but I think it really just made me more defiant. And maybe…maybe I didn’t want to know. But then there was Annabeth and suddenly it didn’t matter anymore because it was her forever. Until it wasn’t.” Percy smiled, shook his head. “Then there was you, filling the spaces and staring down the monsters and chasing them away, and sometimes you can’t ignore it anymore. Does that make sense?”
Jason shrugged like he didn’t really get it, but Percy knew that he did because he sat up and whispered his own secrets in the space between them. “I think that everyone feels like something. Piper felt like solid ground, and it was good, nice and reliable, but it wasn’t what I needed. It wasn’t…” Somewhere in the words, Jason’s hand landed on Percy’s.
“What do I feel like? Percy whispered.
Jason smiled, his masterpiece grin. “You? Percy Jackson, you feel like flying.”
And nothing and no one and no place could take this moment away from him, not when Jason was pushing forward and writing poems on his skin, saying, “You feel like everything I need.”
There on the beach, in the middle of the empty sky, Percy kissed him, slow and soft and sweet like they had all the time in the world, and when he finally pulled away, he saw it. The twinkle of a star.