Chapter Text
Dazai was getting sick of the snow, and the snow's habit of reminding him of things.
Snow brings back stormy blue-gray eyes that pierce his very soul with their brilliance.
Eyes that burned with such a fury, that Dazai is certain even the toughest of diamonds could crack with a single glare. It’s not exactly a bad memory, but it brings back bittersweet feelings of longing and regret that Dazai doesn’t want to feel right now.
Snow brings back memories of disgustingly cold Russian snows spent beside the purple-eyed Russian man with an all-knowing gaze. His voice dropped with saccharine, and he always spoke as if he could understand Dazai and the tempest that was Dazai Osamu’s mind.
Dazai later realized that the Russian man was lying - he couldn’t understand the waves of thoughts that churned within Dazai. No one could understand. Not really.
Odasaku had tried his best - Odasaku had understood more than the normal person could. Odasaku almost made Dazai feel normal. Maybe that is why Dazai stayed with Odasaku. Because Odasaku made Dazai feel normal.
Odasaku made Dazai feel a little less cold.
Cold - the snow reminded Dazai of the cold. The snow was cold.
The cold brought back those hospital rooms that smelled of cheap anesthetic. It brought back the sound of hospital machines that beeped constantly, and that told Dazai that he had yet again failed to end his miserable existence.
The cold brought back Mori - Mori and his piercing red eyes that cut through the little parts of humanity that Dazai clung to, like a child clung to candy. The cold brought back Mori and his sinister laugh as he whispered in Dazai's ears just how worthless and useless Dazai was. Those words rang in Dazai's ears often, no matter how much he wished they wouldn't.
The cold was where Dazai was now, lying in a pile of pristine white snow - stained red by the blood leaking from his slit wrists.
It had been a long time since Dazai had sincerely tried to kill himself. Years - he hadn't tried since leaving the Port Mafia. Since Odasaku’s orchestrated death. What had even triggered him to this extent?
Nothing - nothing had gone wrong. Not really. Dazai couldn’t place a single incident that could possibly have upset him to this degree - nothing really upset him anymore. Not since Odasaku had died. Everything had already been pointless - Odasaku leaving this world had just been the final nail in the coffin
Perhaps he was just getting sick of the mask he wore - the mask of the childlike manic bastard - who pissed everyone off. Sick of the effort and energy that went into pretending that he was fine.
“I’m sorry, Odasaku . . .”
He murmured into the chill air, wondering if Odasaku could hear him from heaven, if heaven even existed.
Sorry - sorry he couldn't be a good man like Odasaku had wanted him to be. Sorry that he had fallen into the darkness once more.
Sorry that he won’t be able to see Odasaku because, if there was an afterlife, Dazai was going to hell while Oda was most certainly in heaven.
No longer human - he had now ceased utterly to be human. Had he ever even been human? There was no difference between right and wrong to Dazai. Unlike a human, he was neither good nor bad. Dazai did not feel guilty or despise his last actions. And strangest of all, he bore no will to live.
He can’t remember a time he genuinely enjoyed being alive.
Maybe when Odasaku had been alive. Just four years ago.
They felt like eons.
The name of his ability suited him well, Dazai thought. No Longer Human. He was no longer human.
There was no point in living. Anything he wanted would be taken from him. There was no reason for living.
He was even willing to take the pain that this process was bringing him, and he hated pain.
There were only two things he truly hated in this world - the cold and pain.
If only he could close his eyes and never wake up again.
Well, at least that's what was happening, as the blood continued to seep from the wounds on his arms - straining the soft white snow below him with a terrifyingly bright red. If only it did not hurt this much . . .
His eyes slowly began to shut and he felt his lips curl into a faint smile as the darkness overtook him.
Finally . . . finally he was free.