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Growing up, Jake's parents did their best to encourage their son to reflect their own morals and good nature. They regarded putting forth one's best effort and honesty as some of the most important habits to maintain in life. When Jake would hold open the door for strangers, his parents would respond with: “We are so proud of your manners, Jakey.”
When Jake shared that he didn’t feel like he was making his parents proud enough after receiving a bad test score in his geography class, they assured him: “We are happy you didn’t hide that you’re struggling from us. It is okay to feel like you don’t meet your own expectations sometimes, that's how we grow to be better people. Just know that our only expectation of you is that you give it a try and always do your best, we will be so proud of you no matter what.”
Jake was always so grateful for his family, and whenever his friends would complain about their overbearing mothers or fathers, he never felt the need to join in.
The phrase they mentioned time and time again, leveled far above everything else: “Always be kind.”
This single phrase was the exact reason why when his best friend in the entire world, Park Sunghoon, began to describe his new crush of the month, Jake could do nothing but give the same nonchalant nod as always. It isn’t directly lying when he pretends to listen attentively, but it is when he responds with, “You’re so lucky Hoon, you find attractive people wherever you go.”
He hated lying more than almost anything else, it made him feel guilty. But at this moment, lying wasn’t near as bad as the thought of being honest. On the inside, Jake wanted nothing more than to react with an expression as sour and bitter as the heavy feeling inside his heart. He wanted to roll his eyes, wanted to completely ignore the words coming out of Sunghoons stupidly handsome stupid face.
But Jake was a better friend than that. He was kinder than that.
Sunghoon didn’t even date, but he somehow managed to crush on nearly any attractive person he laid eyes on. And maybe that is what annoyed Jake the most. In all honesty, even if Jake wasn’t aware of his own crush on the younger, he still would have been at least a little offended that Sunghoon had never said anything about him. For heaven's sake, he even had a crush on their friend Jay for like two whole weeks before that got boring just like the rest of his fleeting interests. Jake wasn’t necessarily a vain person, but he thought that his style was above average, and he didn’t think that he was ugly. He knew Sunghoon didn’t care about someone's gender either, so it wasn’t even like Jake could just brush off the fact Sunghoon had never liked him with: ‘He just isn’t into guys'.
Instead he just knew, ‘He just isn’t into me.’
Sunghoon always explained that he was too busy with school and skating to seriously consider dating anyone, but as he had once (grossly) said: “I can still browse the flowers of a garden without picking any.”
And that made Jake wanna barf. He supposed on some level he understood it, he had been friends with Sunghoon long enough to know that skating really was his first, and probably only, love. He had also been self aware of his own feelings long enough to not let it get to him anymore. In the beginning, when Jake first started to fall for all of Sunghoons charms, it had hurt him to think about it for too long. He ended up feeling like he didn’t check enough boxes. After some self pity and a long talk with his older friend Heeseung, he realized that he might as well make the most of their (honestly, very solid) friendship, and try not to get too caught up with the fact that Sunghoon always crushes on people that are taller than Jake, or more resigned than Jake, more graceful, smarter, the list he has memorized goes on.
Still, every few weeks when Sunghoon would describe how someone new had caught his eye, oversharing details of their encounters, Jake had to try a little too hard not to respond unkindly. This was his best friend, he should be happy for him and supportive, so he really did try, even if he brushed his own feelings aside.
- ☼ -
A bag being set down on the desk beside him helped shake him out of the morning haze that currently clouded his brain. Jake had stayed up last night playing fifa with his younger brother despite it being a Sunday night, mostly since he had complained the entire weekend that he never played with him anymore.
“You only play with Heeseung anymore, am I not good enough to play with? Huh? Am I too boring? I will tell mom that you refused and said I wasn’t good enough to play with you.” Niki whined, and Jake knew that their mom would one hundred percent believe the younger. With a sigh, he shushed him and started to set it up, “You're a menace, only one hour.”
That hour ended up dragging on until a little after midnight, after their shouting (mostly Niki’s) had gotten loud enough to reach their parents' bedroom downstairs.
“Eish Jake, are you even awake yet man?” Sunghoon raised an eyebrow slightly and looked at him with an amused expression. Jake did a small stretch in his seat, reaching his hands above his head with a yawn before looking at Sunghoon with pouty eyes. “Niki forced me to play fifa with him all night.”
Sunghoon settled into his desk chair and pulled out his notes and textbook, “He forced you?”
“He threatened to snitch that I’ve only been playing with Heeseung and not him. You know my parents would coddle him to death if they could, they would make me play with him anyways. Niki says playing with Hee is favoritism, but we both know that he gets away with so much more shit than I ever did.” Jake explained, resting his elbows on the desk and his head in his hands. .
Sunghoon laughed, the way he does when he leans back a little bit, and the sound comes from his chest, and maybe because Jake was tired, he was reminded of the many emotions his best friend could make him feel easily. He didn’t get to bask in the butterflies much longer as their friend Jay joined and the three began to chat as usual, Jake waking up more and allowing his crush on Sunghoon to be compartmentalized for the time being.
- ☼ -
The lack of sleep seemed to have put a curse on Jake that followed him through the entire morning. From waking up too late to eat breakfast and feeling cranky, to forgetting his calculator in math and getting called on. But absolutely nothing could compare to the devastation that shook Jake to his core when Sunghoon began to talk about a new girl that began skating at the arena where he practices. This wasn’t abnormal, and the first few comments went in through one ear and out the other. But even just half-listening to him talk, Jake caught a phrase that couldn’t seem to follow all the others out. Instead it played over a few times, and he apparently couldn’t hide the shock that drained out onto his face in time.
“I think I might actually ask her out.”
Thankfully, Jake wasn’t the only one with such an incredulous reaction. Jay had been drinking from his water bottle and even ended up spitting a bit when he choked in surprise, and Heeseung was staring at Sunghoon with wide eyes, mouth clamped shut.
Sunghoon was a smart guy, but he could be as dense as the ice he skated on sometimes, because he seemed to be as confused with the reactions as much as the reactions themselves. “Why are you guys all looking at me so weird? You don’t think I should?” He looked over all their expressions, but landed on Jake, obviously he would want his best friend's input on asking someone out.
Jake swallowed heavily, despite not having any food in his mouth. Why did his throat feel so tight all of a sudden? He grabbed his napkin and pretended to wipe his mouth, buying himself time to both think of a response and still his spiking nerves enough to sound unaffected.
But nothing could go Jake's way today, and he knew he sounded quieter than a normal friend would sound, “Of course, of course you should.” He couldn’t bring himself to look directly at Sunghoon, so he just glanced around the entire table before looking at his food, using his fork to pick it apart and make his hands look busy, “It’s about time you actually asked out one of your crushes, right?” He let out an awkward laugh, and the silence that followed felt ten times longer than it was.
Thankfully Heeseung was able to fill it eventually, “Why do you suddenly want to actually date?”
And Jake wants the silence back, silence would be infinitely better than having to hear Sunghoons response.
“Well, since she skates as well, it means that I won’t have to take spare time to see her, we can practice together. Plus, she is really beautiful, and I was impressed with her abilities.” Sunghoon speaks with enthusiasm, as if he had been thinking about the reasons beforehand. He probably had been, he didn’t date, he never dated. Jake had found comfort in all of Sunghoons crushes, knowing they would never really be taking Sunghoon away from him.
Jake felt like his heart was trying to punch him from the inside out, but it was almost muscle memory at this point, he put on a smile pleasant and deceiving enough, looking up, truly with nothing but kindness. “That’s really nice, Hoon, I'm glad.”
And as he said it, Jake realized that he meant it.
Because Jake loved Sunghoon, and if this meant that Sunghoon would finally find someone who he felt was worthy of his attention and admiration, it would be wrong of Jake to be anything but happy for him. His line of thinking was only confirmed when Sunghoon smiled a smile that was bright enough to light caverns thousands of feet underwater, “Thanks Jakey, I will do it for sure then.”
Jake wishes he was thousands of feet underwater right now.
- ☼ -
About four weeks later, Jake was seated in the school library waiting for Sunghoon, who had asked him for help studying for his upcoming math exam. They had agreed to meet after their club activities for the day, and Jake knew he would finish a little earlier and have to wait a little bit.
When he checked the time on his phone after doing some of his homework, however, a sinking feeling settled in his gut. It was far past the time they had agreed on, and Sunghoon hadn’t texted him or even read his text from earlier.
Pressing his lips into a tight line he started packing his stuff up, trying his best to stop from feeling too upset. Jake really couldn’t be surprised. When Sunghoon had announced the new relationship between him and the girl from his skating rink, she obviously said yes, because who could reject someone who was as handsome and pleasant as Sunghoon, Jake expected there to be a shift in his availability.
He declined a few group hangouts already, but this was the first time that he had avoided hanging out with Jake. He didn’t even bother to send a courtesy message to inform him of a change of plans. As Jake walked out into the cold Winter air to begin his walk home, it hit him with a force so much more painful than he could have imagined: Sunghoon forgot about you.
He must've started crying at some point on the way home, as he removed his shoes and coat his sniffling must've been loud enough to have his younger brother concerned, as he peeked his head out of the kitchen. Niki set down the cup he had in his hand and met Jake halfway through the living room, not saying anything and just pulling the shorter one into a hug.
Sure they fought and bickered night and day, but they still cared for each other, and understood when the other was struggling. His head on his shoulder, Jake finally let out his frustrations from what felt like the past few years out in loud ugly sobs. He didn’t cry often, but it felt like his heart was being crushed and his world was collapsing.
After everything that they had been through together, all the late night convenience store trips, all the talk about their futures and dreams, after Jake had put all of his own feeling aside for Sunghoon to be able to enjoy his life to its fullest extent, without having the burden of his feelings, he was so easily forgotten as soon as there was someone else who could be Sunghoons friend and could check all the boxes. Someone who could do what Jake has done, but do it better.
After his crying settled from sobs into quietly seeping tears, Niki spoke softly, “Jaeyun, what happened? Should I call anybody?”
He didn’t often share his burdens with his younger brother, he was supposed to be the strong one, a role model. If he couldn’t be a best friend, and he couldn’t be a reliable brother, what was he doing? When had he become consumed by everything so much that he turned into nothing. All this time he was lying in order to let everyone be happy. He figured what people don’t know won’t hurt them. He forgot he was lying to himself as well, and now he was facing the consequence of it, and it hurt him so much.
“I’m in love with Sunghoon.” He had only said it once before aloud, when he told Heeseung. They had talked briefly after the incident a few weeks ago, but Jake had lied then too, saying that he was fine as long as Sunghoon was happy. And the lie had been so convincing he thought it was true.
“I have been in love with him for so long, but he’s never looked at me the way he looks at everyone else in the world.”
Niki paused and pulled away a bit, looking Jake in the eyes, “I know.” Jake could only let out a weak laugh, “Obvious?”
A grim half smile formed as he responded, “Kinda.” Then Niki looked thoughtful, “But you’re right. Sunghoon looks at you differently than anyone. He looks at you like you are actually a person.”
Jake scoffed, “What do you even mean by that?”
“I mean, like when me and my friends went with you guys to lunch and to pick up new games that one day. He was talking about the girl who worked at the tea place.”
Jake remembers that day, Niki had used his youngest child privilege to force him and his friends Jungwon and Sunoo into joining them. It ended up being a lot of fun, and it was before Jake realized he was head over heels into Sunghoon, so the comments about the tea shop cashier were more so just annoying than any sort of gut wrenching. “What about it?”
“Well, you could tell he just appreciated her appearance the same way you appreciate when a restaurant has pretty dishware or fun chairs. I like Sunghoon, and he is really genuine with all of you and your friends, but he is extremely shallow when it comes to strangers. If I didn’t know him through you, I would think he was some sort of vain asshole princely type.”
Jake looked at Niki with an astounded expression, “He is nothing like that though, he is so thoughtful, he always stays late to clean up after hanging out, or brings extra snacks that are our favorites. Sure it can be hard for him to open up, but he gives the most genuine advice, and always listens with and open mind-”
“Jake, that is what I am saying, he finds you guys to be a meaningful part of his life so he cherishes you as valuable relationships. Especially you, sometimes he is super weird about it honestly, I remember once you had them all over and he looked like he was trying to mentally move heesung further away from you using telekinesis.”
Jake shook his head, starting to get annoyed. “He can just be clingy sometimes, we all get like that.”
“Clingy enough to feel jealous of people you're both friends with?”
“He is like that with everyone.”
“Who else does he cling to?”
“His fucking girlfriend, Niki.” Jake stands up, removing himself from the space he was sharing with his brother, suddenly feeling claustrophobic. “The one that he feels is important enough to forget about me.” He shakes his head before adding, “I’m gonna go stay the night at Heeseungs place.” and he doesn’t look at or talk to Niki at all again before he heads out. He doesn’t need more reasons to feel worked up over everything again.
- ☼ -
Heeseung helped a little bit, already being aware of the situation. Jake didn’t have to recount anything, he just showed up, and they shared a silent understanding before deciding to play some fifa to get his mind off of things.
But distractions only last so long.
In between games, Heeseung turned to Jake, “So he didn’t even text you?”
“No.”
“Damn. I mean, he’s been an asshole through this whole thing, but that is seriously not right.”
“I just, I just don’t even know what to do anymore, I don’t want to lose him as a friend but I can’t stand-”
His phone buzzed in his pocket rapidly, indicating a call. He pulled his phone out and the caller I.D was a snowflake and a penguin, and he felt just as frozen as the arctic where they reside. He looked up and met Heeseungs eyes, who just shrugged in response, and Jake just rolled his eyes, sliding to answer the call. Even after having a breakdown because of him, he was still his best friend. (At least, he was supposed to be).
Putting the phone up to his ear he signals Heeseung to mute the game and be quiet.
Jake speaks first, “Sunghoon, why are you calling so late?”
“Why aren’t you home when it’s so late?”
The question is unexpected, and Jakes is taken aback, unsure where this conversation is leading. And despite hearing him clearly, he can only respond with an exasperated “What?”
“I asked why you aren’t home.”
“Hold on.” Jake looked over to Heeseung with a confused expression and shrug of his head to indicate he was gonna go in his bedroom, standing to move into a more private space to talk after Heeseung nodded and shooed him.
After closing the door and sitting on the beanbag that Heeseung had gotten for Christmas, he spoke again, “Why are you asking me that? How did you even know I'm not home?”
“Because I came by and you weren’t home.”
“Yeah, I'm with Heeseung.” He explained like it was obvious, “Did you forget something there the other night? I bring it to school if-”
Sunghoon cut him off, “No, no I didn’t leave anything. I didn't know you had plans to hang out tonight.”
Jake assumed maybe Sunghoon felt left out of plans, so he quickly tried to explain it wasn’t intended, “Oh, it wasn’t really planned, it really is just me and Heeseung, no need to feel excluded, I promise.”
Jake could've sworn he heard a scoff on the other end of the call, Sunghoon seemed almost annoyed when he responded, “It’s still late, we have school. You’re difficult when you're tired.”
Jake felt his insides turn to flame, “What the fuck is your problem, Sunghoon?” He finally snapped.
The silence on the other end of the line was telling enough, but he continued, “Are you seriously trying to act like you care about my health or something right now?” He laughs, bringing his knees up to his chest and resting his head on them as he closes his eyes. He calms his tone down a little before continuing, because he is tired, “I waited for a few hours today at the library, so I didn’t get to go home as early, that is why I'm hanging out with Hee later.”
Jake just waits for Sunghoons response, again, it feels like he is always waiting for him. “If you have nothing to say I'm going to hang up. Goodnight, Sunghoon” His voice comes out a lot smaller than he intended, but he can’t find it in him to care.
Quick enough the other line picks up, “Jake, wait.” A deep breath, “I’m sorry, I forgot.”
“Yeah, I figured.”
“I was occupied with something and it slipped my mind, I will make it up to you I promise.”
“Forget it, it doesn’t matter. Obviously whatever it was, it must've been more important.”
“No, no Jake, nothing is as important as my time with you, and I am sorry I couldn’t realize it sooner. I should have been more thoughtful. You’re my best friend.”
Jake doesn’t know when he started crying but he chokes back a sob, “Right.”
“I broke up with her.”
Jake is silent, filtering the words for a moment, his mouth opens and closes before it opens again, “What? Why?”
“She doesn’t make me laugh like you do. Or smile like you can. I don’t feel warm when I am around her. She doesn’t feel like home.”
“Sunghoon, that isn’t funny.”
“I didn’t say it was, I know I'm dense, but you can’t think I'm so thick skulled that I couldn’t tell you were upset about me dating.”
“Why would it matter what I think, if you’re happy dating then you should.” Jake tried to calm his breathing, because it felt like his heart might break his ribs in half and escape.
“You’re at Heeseungs? Meet me outside in five minutes, I will drive you home so you don’t have to walk in the dark, okay?”
What? The call had ended but he still said out loud, “What?” Jake stood, walking back out and Heeseung looked back up at him with a questioning look.
“Hoonies taking me home.”
Heeseung raised an eyebrow and looked at Jake's overnight bag, “I thought you were sleeping over.”
“Me too.”
Jake felt like he needed to sleep for a hundred years.
- ☼ -
Jake approached with steps that were weighed down by his apprehension. He felt like he was on a carnival ride, and Sunghoon was manning it all with his eyes closed, just choosing whichever button looked most interesting.
Sunghoon exited and came around to open the passenger side door, neither of them speaking even after they were both in the car. Jake sat with his bag in his lap, messing with one of the zippers.
And for what feels like the millionth time in his short life, Sunghoon says something unexpected, “Jake, why didn’t you tell me it upset you earlier?”
“Why would I?”
“Because I care what you think! I care about you. You deserve to be happy too, you know.” Sunghoons grip on the steering wheel is what gives away the fact that he is probably just as anxious as Jake is feeling currently, and something about that is what gives him the push to be honest, even if it means the outcome is the brutal honesty of rejection that he is fully expecting.
“Sunghoon, I am in love with you.”
Sunghoon hits the car breaks way too hard, giving the both of them whiplash, and he looks over at Jake with wide eyes, the car stopped in the middle of the road. Thankfully there's no traffic this late at night, otherwise they might actually have died.
“What the hell?!” Jake half yells, and Sunghoon is just staring at him, like he didn’t almost just cause their demise (well, they might not have died, but still, it was startling!)
“You love me?”
Jake cannot read the younger's face to save his life, and maybe that is what will kill him in the end. He can admit though, telling him feels like he has cleared out a thick fog from his brain, but maybe it was the whiplash that did that. “Yeah. So can you respond in a better way than driving recklessly?”
“But you’ve never mentioned liking anyone!” And honestly, they both just look at each other with the stupidest expressions.
“What? Why would I tell you that I like someone when I like you?” Jake throws his hands over his face and slouches down in the seat.
Sunghoon huffs, “Well, I hit on all those people and you never got jealous.”
Jake's hands drop limp into his lap, “You wanted me to be jealous?!”
“I thought if you liked me you would get jealous but you never did!”
“Why on earth would I think that all your crushes on other people were to intentionally make me jealous? I just thought all these people had something that I didn’t?”
Sunghoon frowns, and opens his mouth to speak, but a car honks from behind them and it causes both of them to jump in their seats. Sunghoon quickly moves and parks the car on the side of the road. It’s silent for a few moments before he begins to speak again, “Sure, a lot of the people were attractive, but they could never match up to you. I just figured you would eventually bring it up, but you were too nice and just let it happen.”
Jake rolled his eyes and stared at Sunghoon, “I think you are an idiot.” and that makes the both of them laugh a little. “So, why did you start dating the girl at the skating rink, why did you forget about studying today?”
Sunghoon physically cringes at the questions, his lips twisting into a guilty smile, “Well, I missed studying because I was ending things with her. I only started to date her because I thought maybe people might start to think im a player if I hit on so many people but never date anyone, and then if I was a player, you might not think my feelings were genuine when I confessed- so I wanted a real relationship under my belt before, so you knew I could do it. And hearing that now sounds stupid and I am never asking Jay for advice again.”
And that made it click, “It was Jay's idea.”
A beat of silence before they break out into laughter. And it 's the kind where Sunghoon throws his body back a bit, it comes from his chest, and Jake missed that so much.
- ☼ -
It is now nearing the middle of spring, Jake is hosting a small study session tonight to prepare for final exams, and Sunghoon is helping him bake cookies for the evening. They argue over how many cups of flour they already put in the mixing bowl, and Sunghoon rolls his eyes at Jake, who has in one hand a cup of flour he swears they need to add, and the other rests on his hip.
“We only have three in there, and it says four, I was counting. I am good at math and you're not.” He reasons.
Sunghoon gasps, offended, “You are seriously bringing math skills into this? This is about attentiveness! I watched you do four cups already, I did!”
Jake pouts at him and he knows that he has enough of an edge, so he pours the cup in without another word, Sunghoon throwing his arms up in defeat, “You can’t blame it on me now.”
“I know, but I am right so it doesn't matter.” Jake smiles, and he can see Sunghoons eyes drop down to look at his lips before he dives in and steals a quick peck away, which shuts Jake up immediately.
“You're always right.” Sunghoon smiles smugly, “Except most of the time, when you’re wrong.”
Jake grabs the nearest ingredient (unfortunately for Sunghoon, it's the butter) and smears it across his forehead. He shrugs “Okay butter-face.”
It takes longer than necessary before the cookies are put in the oven to bake.