Chapter Text
AFTER THE 3RD ANGEL ATTACKS UNIT 01, SHINJI IS RENDERED UNCONSCIOUS AS A RESULT. UNIT 01 GOES BERSERK SHORTLY AFTERWARDS, SUCCESSFULLY DESTROYING THE ANGEL AFTER ABSORBING THE PILOT’S BODY AND SOUL INTO ITSELF.
Shinji woke up on the subway, alone in the orange light of dusk. He looked out the window and noticed that the orange sunset was, in fact, the only thing there. There was no Tokyo-3 in sight. No NERV. Only the train and the sun.
The last thing he remembered was the angel grabbing him and… pain. Throbbing pain in his head.
“I don’t want to pilot the EVA.” He said to nobody in particular.
“Father doesn’t really care about me, he just wants me to pilot that thing, right?”
“Are you going to live your life running away from pain?” The visage of Ayanami Rei appeared before him.
“You… Rei? I thought you were injured.”
“Are you going to run away from pain?” She repeated.
“What’s wrong with running away from things that hurt? I’m not even old enough to drink and they expect me to pilot a giant robot the first time I get into it!”
“Nobody said it would be easy.”
“So it’s hard, and painful, but I’m not supposed to run? But I got hurt doing it! I didn’t run away, but I still got hurt!” Shinji cried.
“It’s not just being a pilot, Shinji. You run away from yourself.” Rei said flatly.
“What are you, my mom?” He spat. “You might know about being a pilot, but you don’t know anything about me.”
“Correct. Ayanami Rei does not yet know Shinji Ikari very well. But I am not the Real Ayanami.”
“Then what are you?”
“The Ayanami Rei inside of you. Shinji Ikari’s perception of Ayanami Rei, however brief. Why do you run?” Rei pressed.
“Because it hurts!”
“But it hurts to run?” Rei asked.
“It all hurts! It hurts to be alive! It hurts to see yourself in the mirror! It hurts to hear your own stupid voice! Everyone is like that!” Shinji cried.
“That is not true.” Rei replied. “I do not feel anything seeing myself in the mirror. Nor does living feel one way or the other.”
“Then why does it hurt for me then?” Shinji asked.
“You are running away from yourself.” Rei said plainly.
“But I’m right here! I don’t have a choice!”
The train’s intercom blared. “I am Shinji Ikari.”
“No, I am!”
“I am the Shinji Ikari that only Shinji Ikari knows of.”
“No…”
“I am the Shinji Ikari that Shinji Ikari hides from others.” the voice murmured over the intercom.
“Shut up! They would all hate me if they knew me.”
“Why do you hide yourself from things you want?” It asked. “Why do you run away from them?”
“You’re me, right?” Shinji cried. “Then you should know. I hate this body.”
“I am The Son of Gendo Ikari”
“Shut up.”
“The Unwanted Son of Gendo Ikari.”
“SHUT UP!”
“The Son Which Was Never a Son.”
“SHUT UP! JUST STOP IT! WAKE ME UP!”
“The Unknown Daughter of Gendo Ikari.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Because I am you.”
“But it hurts.”
“It hurts more to keep running from yourself.”
“I know, but - can someone like me really be…”
“A girl.” The intercom finished.
Shinji sat in silence. The dull rumbling of the train was the only sound. The silence was so loud. What should he say? He… He? Was he even a he? Or a she? She… Ah, she thought, “she” feels better, somehow. Words were strange. The relief of this was underpinned by a wave of anxiety and fear.
“But it’s… scary.” She whimpered.
“It is scarier to die without ever really being alive.” The intercom buzzed.
In that moment, The LCL from Unit 01 containing the body and Soul of Shinji Ikari sweltered. It churned, reconstituted, and regurgitated the unconscious body of Shinji, though the visage in which the soul sat was different.
Shinji opened her eyes.
The room was white and empty like a hospital, but definitely still within NERV HQ. Even though light flooded in through the windows, it felt cold somehow.
“I don’t recognize this ceiling.” She said. Shinji looked down, noticing herself.
“Or this body.”