Chapter Text
Chapter One
Beginning of November 1979
Severus was miserable; he did not remember a time when he felt worse than how he was feeling now, not even when he took his Mark. Oh yes, that day was one of the worst of his life, the pain of taking the Mark was still fresh in his mind and it still haunted him in his dreams. He woke up screaming from his night terrors almost every day. Yet today was even worse than those.
Today he had made the biggest mistake in his life, and he did not think he could come back from that. If he had a time turner, he would turn two hours back and strangle himself to death in order to prevent what he had done.
He was terrified. Terrified of the consequences of his stupidity. He dreaded going back home but he knew he did not have any other choice. His heart was drumming in his chest loudly. He was usually able to control his emotions - well, apparently not his almost animalistic desires, as he had demonstrated this weakness today - but he was about to lose his control over his other emotions too.
Severus was aware he had fucked up royally and he was honestly at a loss as to what to do for the first time in his life. If the Dark Lord summoned him at this moment, he would be dead within minutes, considering the state he was in.
He checked the time; upon seeing it was 6 p.m., he decided to go to a pub to delay going home. He was not expected until 8 p.m. He started to walk in the empty and dark streets and found that it was a good way of clearing his mind. He replayed everything that happened that day in his mind.
The morning had started okay, nothing unusual. His training was as usual too, nothing he could not handle. His master was one of the best in the field; he challenged him regularly, but Severus was not struggling too much. Quite frankly, he was enjoying the challenges and difficulties his master had been throwing at him - it was almost fun. Today`s challenge was no more difficult than the previous ones. But then he had a visitor when he was close to finishing, and in a matter of an hour, he had destroyed his whole life. With a sullen look, he turned the corner and spotted the pub he regularly visited.
He ordered a pint and sat down heavily into one of the booths in the corner, next to a window. He tried to come up with a plan regarding how he was going to explain his stupidity. No matter what, he did not intend to lie or omit the truth. He had messed up but he would not cower, he would bear the consequences regardless of how unbearable those consequences might be. He would explain himself, tell everything, beg, and ask for forgiveness. There was very little chance he would be granted forgiveness, but he would do everything in his power to achieve it.
Severus was disgusted by himself, but even more so he was disappointed in himself. He ought to know better, but no, he had to go and give in to one of his most pressing urges. He hated how weak he had been, he had always been weak when it came to this problem, but this had been a new level of foolishness. He wanted to smash his head into the table. With a pained groan, he rose from his seat and proceeded to leave the pub. As much as he wanted to stay longer, he could not prolong the inevitable anymore. He had to go back home and face the consequences of his idiotic actions.
He Apparated to the doorstep of his flat and opened the door after a minute of hesitation. He could hear the voices coming from the kitchen; at the sound of such lovely and homely voices, he almost sobbed. He knew what was coming, he knew his near-perfect home life was about to come to an end. After taking a deep breath he went to the kitchen. The sight that had welcomed him brought tears to his eyes.
The love of his life was cooking dinner while humming to herself and swaying her hips, moving all around the kitchen. She had not seen him yet and Severus would sell his soul to the devil to be able to freeze this moment and live in it forever. He watched her silently, not aware of the tears springing from his eyes. His heart was twisting painfully, and he was not ready. He was not ready to lose her, he never would be.
But he had to talk to her, tell her. With a dreadful determination, he wiped his tears off and brought his Occlumency walls up. He hid his misery and fear behind his wall. Mentally shaking himself, he called to her. “Love, I`m home.” he was surprised his voice did not shake.
She gave a startled yelp and turned around to look at him. A huge beam graced her lovely face upon seeing him. Severus almost lost it again after seeing her looking at him like that. After a second, she threw herself at him crying, “Severus!” and Severus found himself hugging her tightly.
“Oh, I was preparing dinner, I missed you so much, love,” she exclaimed happily.
Severus buried his nose to his wild curls and lost himself in its scent. He took deep breaths to savour her scent. “I missed you too,” he murmured to her curls. They stepped back from each other, and she bestowed a kiss on his cheek. He felt pure bliss but also was perfectly aware that it was not going to last.
“Dinner is almost ready, will you set the table my love?” she asked sweetly. Severus could not find his voice, so he just nodded and started to prepare the table. He wanted to talk to her right away and be done with it, but he also wanted to postpone it so he could enjoy this a little more. He shook his head; no, he could not postpone this, but maybe it could wait until after dinner.
She came from the kitchen, the dinner hovering in front of her. She carefully put the dishes on the dinner table. Severus quickly filled their plates and they settled on their chairs.
During dinner, Severus was strained; he could not bring himself to fully participate in the conversation. He kept getting distracted by the way she spoke, moved, and gestured. It was truly mesmerizing, and he was trying to inscribe every detail of her face into his mind. In the middle of the dinner, she abruptly stopped talking and eyed him carefully.
“You barely touched your food Severus,” she stated, “is it bad? I thought it tasted okay but if you didn’t like it, we can prepare something else.” Severus shook his head.
“No, this is perfect love, it’s the most delicious dish I have ever eaten,” he said without a hint of his usual sarcasm, he was deadly serious. She threw her head back and let out a loud laugh.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Severus, this is a far cry from being perfect, let alone the most delicious you have had,” she said through her laughter. “Thank you for the compliment though.” Severus wanted to lose himself in her laughter and lovely face.
You had to ruin the only good thing in your miserable pathetic life.
After that, they returned to their previous conservation on magical theory and Severus forced himself to take a couple of bites to satisfy her. Even though the dish was heavenly delicious he didn’t have an appetite but tried not to show it. They finished eating quickly, too quickly for his liking. He knew that she was aware that something was amiss with him but carefully waited for him to approach the issue. He loved her more for her understanding nature, and what was coming pained his heart even more. They settled on the sofa together; she normally would snuggle up to him and they would read together, but she did not do it this time, knowing he was acting strangely.
He took a deep breath, and gathered his courage.
“I made a huge mistake.”
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Hermione woke up with a lazy smile on her face, slowly turned on the bed, and scooted closer to Severus. He stirred a little but did not wake up; her smile grew, taking his sleeping face in.
Oh, how she loved this wizard!
They had known each other for five years and had been dating for three. Right after graduating from Hogwarts, they had moved into a tiny flat together in Diagon Alley, near the apothecary where Severus was training for his Mastery. Master Burke was one of the most accomplished Potions Masters in Europe and highly selective when taking apprentices. It was an honour, a privilege, to be his apprentice, and Hermione had been ecstatic when Severus had received his acceptance letter from Master Burke. Severus had not shown much joy and tried to act nonchalant, but Hermione had known he had been overjoyed inside. It had been right after they took N.E.W.Ts, so they had celebrated wildly. Hermione remembered the day fondly. Severus had been relaxed and in a festive mood for the first time she had seen.
When she arrived here in 1974, she had been completely lost. After saving Buckbeak and Sirius, on the way to the hospital wing, she had tripped on the stairs and rolled down all the way back to the bottom. She had been sure she would have a concussion; however, she had not expected her time turner to start working to take her twenty years back.
When she had woken up and understood what had happened, she had completely lost it. She remembered not being able to function properly for a week due to shock. Then, Dumbledore had informed her that there was no way of going forward in time and she had to make herself a life here; she had cried for another week after hearing the Headmaster`s words. She had been inconsolable. Her first friends here, Lily and Remus, had done everything they could in order to cheer her up. Hermione would forever be grateful to them.
After accepting the fact that there was really no way for her to go back to her home, she had started adjusting to her new life here. Remus had introduced her to Sirius, James, and Peter. Hermione`s first reaction upon seeing Peter had been to take a couple of steps back with disgust. The others had been confused about her reaction but hadn’t commented on it. However, she had been excited about meeting young Sirius and Harry’s father, James.
At first, she had found them interesting, adventurous pranksters, much like Weasley twins. Sirius had been especially charming. However, soon she had learned that they were relentless bullies. She still remembered her shock seeing James and Sirius humiliate a Hufflepuff boy in front of a large crowd. She had distanced herself from them after that incident. She knew that Harry would have been extremely disappointed in his father and godfather if he had seen this.
Lily also had introduced her to many of her friends like Marlene, Mary, and Alice. Even though Hermione was not able to make friends easily, she started to warm up to them and they had formed a tentative friendship. Then Severus… At first, Lily had been reluctant to introduce her to Severus. Hermione still did not know why, but it had been impossible to hang out with Lily and not be introduced to Severus.
The first time Hermione had seen the Severus Snape of this time, she had gaped at him for three minutes straight. Her snarky, cruel, unfair Slytherin Potions professor was a slim, miserable-looking, awkward, and shy teenager; though he was still snarky. He had commented on her gaping mouth rather sarcastically. And that had been the beginning of their slowly building relationship.
Hermione had been extremely awkward around him for weeks, and he had relentlessly teased her about it, though there had not been any malice behind his words. By the time Hermione had come to understand that he actually had a witty, dry sense of humour she had realized she quite liked it. His sarcastic remarks were funny when they were not directed at her. She would usually try to suppress her giggles when Severus started to make fun of people without them noticing they had been mocked.
They had improved their friendship through their fourth year. She had found something in Severus that she could not find in Harry and Ron: a study partner. To say that Hermione had been delighted to find someone as studious as she would be an understatement. With great satisfaction, Hermione had learned that Severus was a know-it-all himself; the irony was not lost on her. He was as strict as her about studying; however, he had been reluctant to show his knowledge in classes. He had usually let others answer questions and would not speak unless he had been asked something directly.
She had attached herself to Severus like a limpet trying to survive. He was as intelligent, if not more, as she was and unlike her, he was creative. He didn’t shy away from thinking outside of the box, experimenting, and accepting facts only after critical thinking.
Severus had been really annoyed with her at first and tolerated Hermione only for the sake of Lily. He had ridiculed her many times, saying she did not have a mind of her own and she was only parroting back whatever she had read in books. During one of their arguments, he yelled, “You don’t have any original ideas! You are not as intelligent as they say you are, you just have a good memory, that’s not being smart!” Hermione had cried for days after that argument. She knew she was afraid of contradicting books, but she never thought someone would think her not capable of having original thoughts. It had hurt so much because deep down she knew her fears; fears of not being enough, and Severus had managed to dig those up and bring them to the surface to shove them to her face.
It took them almost three weeks and lots of nagging from Lily to reconcile. Severus had apologized quietly, Hermione had smiled, and they went back to studying together.
Later though, he realized Hermione was not a complete “dunderhead”, in his words. Slowly, he had started “not to be annoyed as much” and accepted Hermione for herself. He taught her how to be a critical thinker, not accepting everything out of books as the final rule and complete truth. He had introduced her to the “scientific” side of magic. Hermione had improved greatly in academics after that.
Their fourth year was also the year Hermione had realized that James and Sirius had been targeting Severus the most. When she had asked them what their problem with Severus was, they had mumbled something about “essentially his existence” and “his extensive knowledge of the Dark Arts”. Hermione had been furious and had yelled at them for long minutes. She had been tempted to hex the lot of them, however, refrained from doing so for the sake of Harry. However, she had managed to scare them a bit and they had cowered a little after that and left Severus alone; well at least when she had been around.
Hermione had become very protective of Severus over time, though Severus had never appreciated her protective manner. He always berated her, saying that he did not need her help or protection. But Hermione could not help herself, it was her nature to be protective over those she had loved and cared for.
During their fourth year, their interaction had been usually limited to studying together; they had had conversations from time to time, especially when they needed a break from studying, however heartfelt conversations had really been rare. They had become really close during their fifth year. Lily and Severus had been drifting apart day by day. Lily had been disturbed by Severus`s housemates but determined to ignore the bullying the Marauders directed towards him.
Hermione knew James had been asking her out since their first year, and Lily had been constantly saying no. Hermione was disgusted by the boy`s lack of capacity to understand that no meant no. Even she had been tired of these constant assaults. However, Hermione had started to realize some changes in Lily`s attitude during their fifth year. She still kept saying no, but she was not as frustrated and annoyed as before. Hermione suspected Lily had been falling victim to James`s “charms” and insistence. Hermione could not understand how such passive-aggressive insistence could be considered as “romantic” and “true love”, but she had wisely chosen not to comment on it. She knew they were going to end up together and leave her a best friend.
Hermione had been annoyed at Lily for not doing anything about the Marauders’ bullying, especially since she was a prefect but had never done anything to stop them from attacking Severus. She had even seen her, once, laughing from afar at Severus being humiliated by James and Sirius. Hermione had been furious at her. She had confronted her about it after she had hexed James and Sirius and released Severus. Lily had seemed embarrassed, though she had seemed concerned more about getting caught than laughing at her best friend’s humiliation.
Severus had not talked to her for days after her intervention; it had seemed that his pride had been wounded but Hermione had not apologized. There was no way she would turn a blind eye to such an attack.
Then, before they could mend their friendship, James and Sirius had attacked again, this time Lily had tried to intervene, but Severus had called her Mudblood. Hermione had been shocked at first, she had never thought Severus would say such a vile thing. She had not been there when the attack had happened, she had been scanning some books in the library to check her answers in O.W.L`s. But Marlene had recounted what had happened and she had been left speechless.
Yes, Severus had said something awful but the humiliation he had been through was almost unbearable. She had felt sorry for him but did not go to see how he was doing. She figured it would add to the humiliating feeling he had been having. Almost immediately, Severus had started to apologize to Lily, he had done everything he could, begged her, and even threatened to sleep outside of the Gryffindor common room. Lily had not been swayed.
While waiting for Lily outside the Gryffindor common room, one day, he had come across Hermione, he had looked at her shyly and said “I'm sorry.” quietly.
Hermione already had been used to hearing Mudblood thrown at her occasionally and told him that as long as he was sorry, and did not believe in such nonsense, she would accept his apology. Severus had been shocked at her easy acceptance of his apology and kept apologizing and reassuring her that he did not believe in blood supremacy.
After that, they had returned to being friends, though Lily and Severus had never mended their friendship. It had been interesting and somewhat painful to watch how Severus had been pining after Lily for years. It had been painful because Hermione could see how much he was suffering but also…
It was hard to watch also because Hermione had developed feelings for Severus over the course of two years and she knew her feelings would never be reciprocated. So basically, she had been pining over Severus, who had been pining over Lily. There were many times she felt pathetic and heartbroken. She was perfectly aware she was no match to Lily. Lily was gorgeous, popular, and very well-loved by everyone while Hermione was average-looking, if not downright ugly, and socially awkward. Marlene and Alice loved her of course but it was nothing compared to their bond and friendship with Lily. So, Hermione had spent almost two years being bitter in secret. Of course, she did not blame Lily for being perfect and her being average. She was, no matter what, grateful to Lily for her friendship.
During their sixth year, Hermione and Severus had grown even closer. There were times Hermione could swear Severus was flirting with her. Hermione brushed those thoughts off, not wanting to grow hopeful. She was sure she would be heartbroken if she dared to hope.
Then, one day, Severus had asked her if she would like to go to Hogsmeade with him. Hermione was confused because they always went together. She had noticed Severus had been twitching nervously and refusing to meet her eyes. She had said, “Severus, we already always go together.” He met her eyes briefly before gulping visibly.
“No-not- l-like that,” he stuttered, “like a d-date.”
Hermione had not been sure she heard right; her jaw dropped.
“Date? Like a date, date?” she asked, bewildered. Severus had forgotten his nervousness for a second and given her a look as if saying, `are you an idiot? `
“Yes,” he had answered simply. Hermione had been shocked but managed to accept his invitation.
Thus, their romantic relationship had begun. They both had been awkward and nervous on their first date but got over it quickly and found their usual rhythm. Nothing changed much after they started to date. They still spent most of their time together, studied together, and shared everything. The obvious change had been the physical intimacy. They started to hold hands, stole small touches here and there though they quickly upgraded to snogging about a week after their first date.
They both had been very nervous and awkward when they first made love. Hermione was afraid of the pain, but it had not been as much as she had feared, only uncomfortable at first. She had adjusted fairly quickly. Their first was not the earth-shattering, mind-blowing sex described in romantic novels, but it was gentle and meaningful. They had improved a lot since then. Hermione could proudly say that they had an amazingly satisfying sex life.
Hermione could never in a million years have guessed what kind of a boyfriend he could be. In the beginning, she was afraid he would be dull and formal. She expected him to act aloof and disinterested in general.
She had observed, over the years, how pureblood boys courted their intended. They were always so formal, so detached, always distant. Even though Severus was not a pureblood, he was under the wing of many pureblood boys in Slytherin. So, Hermione thought she would be subjected to the same treatment.
Could she have been more wrong? Severus had turned out to be very attentive, loving, though he only showed this side in private, and -dare she say - romantic. It was usual for Severus to make small romantic gestures. He would always listen to her attentively and almost always remembered even the smallest thing. If Hermione mentioned wanting to buy a book, for example, she would be gifted that book very shortly after. If she mentioned wanting to eat a specific food, Severus would make sure to go to the kitchens and ask the elves for that food and bring it to Hermione regardless of the time and date. He would always make sure to carry chocolate around her menstrual cycle and tolerate her mood swings with great patience.
When they first started dating, Hermione had already been half in love with Severus. It did not take long for Hermione to completely fall in love with him. She had tried to guard her heart with the fear that Severus might have still have feelings for Lily. When Severus had said “I love you,” for the first time, Hermione had burst into tears and said, “Please, don’t make declarations that you don’t mean.” Severus had been surprised and confused. When he had asked her to explain what she meant by that, she had told him that she knew that Severus had feelings for Lily.
Severus had been initially furious with her for thinking he would say such things without meaning them but after he had seen how distressed and insecure she was, he had assured her that he did not have feelings for Lily anymore, not since the end of their fifth year, and he was completely honest about his feelings for Hermione.
It took Hermione a while before she fully believed him, but she got there eventually, after Severus`s repeated assurances. Hermione had been living the dream since they started dating. He was everything she always wanted and could ever want. She was completely, irrevocably in love with him.
They usually bickered like an old married couple and argued about everything and anything, but they hardly ever fought. Hermione was sure they were soul mates. They fit perfectly together in everything.
Their first and biggest fight was when Severus decided to join the Death Eaters. Hermione, deep down, had known that this day would come. She hoped and prayed that Severus would change his mind, but he was convinced that he would find the acceptance he had been seeking for with Voldemort and his cause. Hermione argued and argued relentlessly that this was a mistake, but he had not been swayed.
After he received his official initiation to join the Death Eaters and he took his mark, Hermione considered parting ways. She knew he didn’t believe in blood supremacy and only wanted acceptance, power, and recognition but Hermione was not sure she could accept the crimes and atrocities he might be compelled to commit.
Carefully thinking, she had realized she could not stand the idea of separation. She loved Severus deeply and did not have the heart to leave him. So, she decided to stay. Severus was aware of her unease, and with an unspoken agreement, they never discussed his Death Eater business. He was usually spared from participating in revels because his Mastery took most of his time, which Hermione was deeply grateful for. In return, Hermione did not bring anything related to the Order and her role in it. She had become a member right after graduating along with Lily, Marlene, Alice, and the Marauders.
When she saw Peter Pettigrew in her first Order meeting, she wanted to warn Dumbledore, but she was not able to. Dumbledore had put a spell on her when she arrived in that time, preventing her from revealing anything about the future. Hermione was painfully aware of the consequences of meddling with time, though she did really wish to save Harry's parents` lives. After trying to warn them a couple of times, to no avail, she had come to accept their eventual fate and tried to have whatever time she had with them.
Upon her graduation, she had received multiple job offers. The Ministry had offered her five different positions, many of her professors in Hogwarts offered her apprenticeships and she had various offers from different private companies. After careful consideration, she decided to accept the offer from the Department of Mysteries. She had been training as an Unspeakable since. She adored her job; it was everything she wanted. It was endless research, experiments, and adventures. She got to study ancient artifacts, experiment with various objects, and have access to ancient and rare tomes.
In the beginning, it was hard to balance training, Order business, and her personal life but in time she got used to it and now, everything was going very smoothly.
All in all, she was satisfied in every aspect of her life.
Her life was perfect. It was heaven.
From the moment Severus had come home, she knew something was wrong. He was off, something was troubling him. Hermione debated whether to approach the subject or not but decided against it. She knew Severus very well by now; he would come to her when, or if, he was ready to talk about whatever was bothering him.
She wanted to envelop him in her arms and try to soothe his worries away, but she was aware he was contemplating. So, she let him be and went off with the evening as usual. They ate their dinner and she sensed he was ready to bring the issue up, so she sat next to him on the sofa instead of snuggling with him like she always did. Then everything went to hell in a matter of two minutes.
“I made a huge mistake.”
Hermione was not sure what to say, Severus was very serious and his voice was slightly shaking. It made Hermione extremely uneasy, and she stirred where she was sitting. She patiently waited for him to continue. She became nervous when he stayed silent. She looked him in the eye and she was startled to see his terrified expression. She had never seen him this terrified before. Anticipation of what was to come was building inside her and became almost unbearable.
“Would you like to elaborate on that, love?” she asked at last. Her voice was calm, though her insides were not.
“I-I did-,” he started but words failed him, he fell quiet again.
“Severus, honey please, you are worrying me,” she started, “What’s wrong?”
Severus gulped down visibly and blurted out.
“Hermione, I love you so much, I`m so sorry, please believe me I love you more than anything.” There were tears in his eyes. Hermione was shocked to see him distressed this much, and she felt tears welling up in her eyes.
“I love you too Severus, but please tell me what happened?”
“I slept with Lily,” he said in one quick breath.
Hermione flinched visibly as if she had been slapped. Her heart started to constrict painfully, and her mouth went dry.
“Excu-” she started but she could not take more out. Her heart was beating so fast, the sound of her heart filled her ears almost painfully.
“What?” she asked at last, very quietly.
Severus was looking at her hopelessly.
“I`m so sorry, I know I`m a bastard, I don’t deserve you. It was a mistake; I love you Hermione please believe me!” he said. Hermione did not remember any other time she felt this much pain, physically and emotionally. She could feel her face going numb, her left arm tingling. She was about to lose it all.
“When?” she asked.
“This afternoon she came to the apothecary to visit,” he said simply but did not elaborate further. That was the last straw, the last knife that twisted in her heart.
“You let me touch you, hug you, kiss you after you fucked another woman?” she yelled, outraged. “I'm going to be sick!” She exclaimed after a second and ran to the loo. She barely reached the toilet when she emptied her stomach rather violently. She was the picture of misery: she was crying and throwing up at the same time. She got down to the floor and started to sob. She did not know how long she sobbed on the toilet floor, but her throat was getting sore.
She saw Severus from the corner of her eye, at the doorstep looking at her desperately. She looked at him with disgust and asked her last question.
“Why?”
He did not seem to know what to say, how to answer. He stayed silent.
“WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING TO ME?!” she yelled.
Severus flinched but stayed in his spot. Tears were falling freely down his face.
“I’m a pathetic excuse of a wizard, Hermione. I`m sorry, it was a mistake. I didn’t mean to, please forgive me, love.”
Love
Forgive me
I`m sorry
Love
His words rang in her ear. Hermione felt like the walls were closing on her. It was too much, the pain was unbearable. She got up suddenly, and at her sudden movement, Severus stepped back. Seizing the opportunity, she left the toilet swiftly. She entered the bedroom and warded the door within an inch of its life. She looked around the room frantically, found her magically extended bag, and started to pack her belongings. She needed to go, she needed to get out of there. After a couple of minutes, everything that belonged to her in the bedroom was packed inside of her bag. She glanced at the room one last time and Apparated out.